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Title  Jane Eyre
       an Autobiography


Author  Charlotte Bronte



Release Date  April 29  2007   eBook  1260 

Language  English

Character set encoding  ISO 646 US  US ASCII 


   START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JANE EYRE   





Transcribed from the 1897 Service   Paton edition by David Price  email
ccx074 pglaf org





JANE EYRE
AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY


BY
CHARLOTTE BRONTE

 ILLUSTRATED BY F  H  TOWNSEND 

London
SERVICE   PATON
5 HENRIETTA STREET
1897

 The Illustrations 
 in this Volume are the copyright of 
SERVICE   PATON   London 

TO
W  M  THACKERAY  ESQ  

This Work
IS RESPECTFULLY INSCRIBED

BY
THE AUTHOR




PREFACE


A preface to the first edition of  Jane Eyre  being unnecessary  I gave
none  this second edition demands a few words both of acknowledgment and
miscellaneous remark 

My thanks are due in three quarters 

To the Public  for the indulgent ear it has inclined to a plain tale with
few pretensions 

To the Press  for the fair field its honest suffrage has opened to an
obscure aspirant 

To my Publishers  for the aid their tact  their energy  their practical
sense and frank liberality have afforded an unknown and unrecommended
Author 

The Press and the Public are but vague personifications for me  and I
must thank them in vague terms  but my Publishers are definite  so are
certain generous critics who have encouraged me as only large hearted and
high minded men know how to encourage a struggling stranger  to them 
 i e    to my Publishers and the select Reviewers  I say cordially 
Gentlemen  I thank you from my heart 

Having thus acknowledged what I owe those who have aided and approved me 
I turn to another class  a small one  so far as I know  but not 
therefore  to be overlooked   I mean the timorous or carping few who
doubt the tendency of such books as  Jane Eyre   in whose eyes whatever
is unusual is wrong  whose ears detect in each protest against
bigotry  that parent of crime  an insult to piety  that regent of God on
earth   I would suggest to such doubters certain obvious distinctions  I
would remind them of certain simple truths 

Conventionality is not morality   Self righteousness is not religion   To
attack the first is not to assail the last   To pluck the mask from the
face of the Pharisee  is not to lift an impious hand to the Crown of
Thorns 

These things and deeds are diametrically opposed  they are as distinct as
is vice from virtue   Men too often confound them  they should not be
confounded  appearance should not be mistaken for truth  narrow human
doctrines  that only tend to elate and magnify a few  should not be
substituted for the world redeeming creed of Christ   There is  I repeat
it  a difference  and it is a good  and not a bad action to mark broadly
and clearly the line of separation between them 

The world may not like to see these ideas dissevered  for it has been
accustomed to blend them  finding it convenient to make external show
pass for sterling worth  to let white washed walls vouch for clean
shrines   It may hate him who dares to scrutinise and expose  to rase the
gilding  and show base metal under it  to penetrate the sepulchre  and
reveal charnel relics  but hate as it will  it is indebted to him 

Ahab did not like Micaiah  because he never prophesied good concerning
him  but evil  probably he liked the sycophant son of Chenaannah better 
yet might Ahab have escaped a bloody death  had he but stopped his ears
to flattery  and opened them to faithful counsel 

There is a man in our own days whose words are not framed to tickle
delicate ears  who  to my thinking  comes before the great ones of
society  much as the son of Imlah came before the throned Kings of Judah
and Israel  and who speaks truth as deep  with a power as prophet like
and as vital  a mien as dauntless and as daring   Is the satirist of
 Vanity Fair  admired in high places   I cannot tell  but I think if some
of those amongst whom he hurls the Greek fire of his sarcasm  and over
whom he flashes the levin brand of his denunciation  were to take his
warnings in time  they or their seed might yet escape a fatal
Rimoth Gilead 

Why have I alluded to this man   I have alluded to him  Reader  because I
think I see in him an intellect profounder and more unique than his
contemporaries have yet recognised  because I regard him as the first
social regenerator of the day  as the very master of that working corps
who would restore to rectitude the warped system of things  because I
think no commentator on his writings has yet found the comparison that
suits him  the terms which rightly characterise his talent   They say he
is like Fielding  they talk of his wit  humour  comic powers   He
resembles Fielding as an eagle does a vulture  Fielding could stoop on
carrion  but Thackeray never does   His wit is bright  his humour
attractive  but both bear the same relation to his serious genius that
the mere lambent sheet lightning playing under the edge of the summer 
cloud does to the electric death spark hid in its womb   Finally  I have
alluded to Mr  Thackeray  because to him  if he will accept the tribute
of a total stranger  I have dedicated this second edition of  JANE EYRE  

CURRER BELL 

 December  21 st   1847 




NOTE TO THE THIRD EDITION


I avail myself of the opportunity which a third edition of  Jane Eyre 
affords me  of again addressing a word to the Public  to explain that my
claim to the title of novelist rests on this one work alone   If 
therefore  the authorship of other works of fiction has been attributed
to me  an honour is awarded where it is not merited  and consequently 
denied where it is justly due 

This explanation will serve to rectify mistakes which may already have
been made  and to prevent future errors 

CURRER BELL 

 April  13 th   1848 




CHAPTER I


There was no possibility of taking a walk that day   We had been
wandering  indeed  in the leafless shrubbery an hour in the morning  but
since dinner  Mrs  Reed  when there was no company  dined early  the cold
winter wind had brought with it clouds so sombre  and a rain so
penetrating  that further out door exercise was now out of the question 

I was glad of it  I never liked long walks  especially on chilly
afternoons  dreadful to me was the coming home in the raw twilight  with
nipped fingers and toes  and a heart saddened by the chidings of Bessie 
the nurse  and humbled by the consciousness of my physical inferiority to
Eliza  John  and Georgiana Reed 

The said Eliza  John  and Georgiana were now clustered round their mama
in the drawing room  she lay reclined on a sofa by the fireside  and with
her darlings about her  for the time neither quarrelling nor crying 
looked perfectly happy   Me  she had dispensed from joining the group 
saying   She regretted to be under the necessity of keeping me at a
distance  but that until she heard from Bessie  and could discover by her
own observation  that I was endeavouring in good earnest to acquire a
more sociable and childlike disposition  a more attractive and sprightly
manner  something lighter  franker  more natural  as it were  she really
must exclude me from privileges intended only for contented  happy 
little children  

 What does Bessie say I have done   I asked 

 Jane  I don t like cavillers or questioners  besides  there is something
truly forbidding in a child taking up her elders in that manner   Be
seated somewhere  and until you can speak pleasantly  remain silent  

A breakfast room adjoined the drawing room  I slipped in there   It
contained a bookcase  I soon possessed myself of a volume  taking care
that it should be one stored with pictures   I mounted into the window 
seat  gathering up my feet  I sat cross legged  like a Turk  and  having
drawn the red moreen curtain nearly close  I was shrined in double
retirement 

Folds of scarlet drapery shut in my view to the right hand  to the left
were the clear panes of glass  protecting  but not separating me from the
drear November day   At intervals  while turning over the leaves of my
book  I studied the aspect of that winter afternoon   Afar  it offered a
pale blank of mist and cloud  near a scene of wet lawn and storm beat
shrub  with ceaseless rain sweeping away wildly before a long and
lamentable blast 

I returned to my book  Bewick s History of British Birds  the letterpress
thereof I cared little for  generally speaking  and yet there were
certain introductory pages that  child as I was  I could not pass quite
as a blank   They were those which treat of the haunts of sea fowl  of
 the solitary rocks and promontories  by them only inhabited  of the
coast of Norway  studded with isles from its southern extremity  the
Lindeness  or Naze  to the North Cape  

    Where the Northern Ocean  in vast whirls 
   Boils round the naked  melancholy isles
   Of farthest Thule  and the Atlantic surge
   Pours in among the stormy Hebrides  

Nor could I pass unnoticed the suggestion of the bleak shores of Lapland 
Siberia  Spitzbergen  Nova Zembla  Iceland  Greenland  with  the vast
sweep of the Arctic Zone  and those forlorn regions of dreary space   that
reservoir of frost and snow  where firm fields of ice  the accumulation
of centuries of winters  glazed in Alpine heights above heights  surround
the pole  and concentre the multiplied rigours of extreme cold    Of
these death white realms I formed an idea of my own  shadowy  like all
the half comprehended notions that float dim through children s brains 
but strangely impressive   The words in these introductory pages
connected themselves with the succeeding vignettes  and gave significance
to the rock standing up alone in a sea of billow and spray  to the broken
boat stranded on a desolate coast  to the cold and ghastly moon glancing
through bars of cloud at a wreck just sinking 

I cannot tell what sentiment haunted the quite solitary churchyard  with
its inscribed headstone  its gate  its two trees  its low horizon 
girdled by a broken wall  and its newly risen crescent  attesting the
hour of eventide 

The two ships becalmed on a torpid sea  I believed to be marine phantoms 

The fiend pinning down the thief s pack behind him  I passed over
quickly  it was an object of terror 

So was the black horned thing seated aloof on a rock  surveying a distant
crowd surrounding a gallows 

Each picture told a story  mysterious often to my undeveloped
understanding and imperfect feelings  yet ever profoundly interesting  as
interesting as the tales Bessie sometimes narrated on winter evenings 
when she chanced to be in good humour  and when  having brought her
ironing table to the nursery hearth  she allowed us to sit about it  and
while she got up Mrs  Reed s lace frills  and crimped her nightcap
borders  fed our eager attention with passages of love and adventure
taken from old fairy tales and other ballads  or  as at a later period I
discovered  from the pages of Pamela  and Henry  Earl of Moreland 

With Bewick on my knee  I was then happy  happy at least in my way   I
feared nothing but interruption  and that came too soon   The breakfast 
room door opened 

 Boh   Madam Mope   cried the voice of John Reed  then he paused  he
found the room apparently empty 

 Where the dickens is she   he continued    Lizzy   Georgy   calling to
his sisters  Joan is not here  tell mama she is run out into the rain  bad
animal  

 It is well I drew the curtain   thought I  and I wished fervently he
might not discover my hiding place  nor would John Reed have found it out
himself  he was not quick either of vision or conception  but Eliza just
put her head in at the door  and said at once  

 She is in the window seat  to be sure  Jack  

And I came out immediately  for I trembled at the idea of being dragged
forth by the said Jack 

 What do you want   I asked  with awkward diffidence 

 Say   What do you want  Master Reed    was the answer    I want you to
come here   and seating himself in an arm chair  he intimated by a
gesture that I was to approach and stand before him 

John Reed was a schoolboy of fourteen years old  four years older than I 
for I was but ten  large and stout for his age  with a dingy and
unwholesome skin  thick lineaments in a spacious visage  heavy limbs and
large extremities   He gorged himself habitually at table  which made him
bilious  and gave him a dim and bleared eye and flabby cheeks   He ought
now to have been at school  but his mama had taken him home for a month
or two   on account of his delicate health    Mr  Miles  the master 
affirmed that he would do very well if he had fewer cakes and sweetmeats
sent him from home  but the mother s heart turned from an opinion so
harsh  and inclined rather to the more refined idea that John s
sallowness was owing to over application and  perhaps  to pining after
home 

John had not much affection for his mother and sisters  and an antipathy
to me   He bullied and punished me  not two or three times in the week 
nor once or twice in the day  but continually  every nerve I had feared
him  and every morsel of flesh in my bones shrank when he came near 
There were moments when I was bewildered by the terror he inspired 
because I had no appeal whatever against either his menaces or his
inflictions  the servants did not like to offend their young master by
taking my part against him  and Mrs  Reed was blind and deaf on the
subject  she never saw him strike or heard him abuse me  though he did
both now and then in her very presence  more frequently  however  behind
her back 

Habitually obedient to John  I came up to his chair  he spent some three
minutes in thrusting out his tongue at me as far as he could without
damaging the roots  I knew he would soon strike  and while dreading the
blow  I mused on the disgusting and ugly appearance of him who would
presently deal it   I wonder if he read that notion in my face  for  all
at once  without speaking  he struck suddenly and strongly   I tottered 
and on regaining my equilibrium retired back a step or two from his
chair 

 That is for your impudence in answering mama awhile since   said he 
 and for your sneaking way of getting behind curtains  and for the look
you had in your eyes two minutes since  you rat  

Accustomed to John Reed s abuse  I never had an idea of replying to it 
my care was how to endure the blow which would certainly follow the
insult 

 What were you doing behind the curtain   he asked 

 I was reading  

 Show the book  

I returned to the window and fetched it thence 

 You have no business to take our books  you are a dependent  mama says 
you have no money  your father left you none  you ought to beg  and not
to live here with gentlemen s children like us  and eat the same meals we
do  and wear clothes at our mama s expense   Now  I ll teach you to
rummage my bookshelves  for they  are  mine  all the house belongs to me 
or will do in a few years   Go and stand by the door  out of the way of
the mirror and the windows  

I did so  not at first aware what was his intention  but when I saw him
lift and poise the book and stand in act to hurl it  I instinctively
started aside with a cry of alarm  not soon enough  however  the volume
was flung  it hit me  and I fell  striking my head against the door and
cutting it   The cut bled  the pain was sharp  my terror had passed its
climax  other feelings succeeded 

 Wicked and cruel boy   I said    You are like a murderer  you are like a
slave driver  you are like the Roman emperors  

I had read Goldsmith s History of Rome  and had formed my opinion of
Nero  Caligula   c   Also I had drawn parallels in silence  which I never
thought thus to have declared aloud 

 What  what   he cried    Did she say that to me   Did you hear her 
Eliza and Georgiana   Won t I tell mama  but first   

He ran headlong at me  I felt him grasp my hair and my shoulder  he had
closed with a desperate thing   I really saw in him a tyrant  a murderer 
I felt a drop or two of blood from my head trickle down my neck  and was
sensible of somewhat pungent suffering  these sensations for the time
predominated over fear  and I received him in frantic sort   I don t very
well know what I did with my hands  but he called me  Rat   Rat   and
bellowed out aloud   Aid was near him  Eliza and Georgiana had run for
Mrs  Reed  who was gone upstairs  she now came upon the scene  followed
by Bessie and her maid Abbot   We were parted  I heard the words  

 Dear  dear   What a fury to fly at Master John  

 Did ever anybody see such a picture of passion  

Then Mrs  Reed subjoined  

 Take her away to the red room  and lock her in there    Four hands were
immediately laid upon me  and I was borne upstairs 




CHAPTER II


I resisted all the way  a new thing for me  and a circumstance which
greatly strengthened the bad opinion Bessie and Miss Abbot were disposed
to entertain of me   The fact is  I was a trifle beside myself  or rather
 out  of myself  as the French would say  I was conscious that a moment s
mutiny had already rendered me liable to strange penalties  and  like any
other rebel slave  I felt resolved  in my desperation  to go all lengths 

 Hold her arms  Miss Abbot  she s like a mad cat  

 For shame  for shame   cried the lady s maid    What shocking conduct 
Miss Eyre  to strike a young gentleman  your benefactress s son   Your
young master  

 Master   How is he my master   Am I a servant  

 No  you are less than a servant  for you do nothing for your keep 
There  sit down  and think over your wickedness  

They had got me by this time into the apartment indicated by Mrs  Reed 
and had thrust me upon a stool  my impulse was to rise from it like a
spring  their two pair of hands arrested me instantly 

 If you don t sit still  you must be tied down   said Bessie    Miss
Abbot  lend me your garters  she would break mine directly  

Miss Abbot turned to divest a stout leg of the necessary ligature   This
preparation for bonds  and the additional ignominy it inferred  took a
little of the excitement out of me 

 Don t take them off   I cried   I will not stir  

In guarantee whereof  I attached myself to my seat by my hands 

 Mind you don t   said Bessie  and when she had ascertained that I was
really subsiding  she loosened her hold of me  then she and Miss Abbot
stood with folded arms  looking darkly and doubtfully on my face  as
incredulous of my sanity 

 She never did so before   at last said Bessie  turning to the Abigail 

 But it was always in her   was the reply    I ve told Missis often my
opinion about the child  and Missis agreed with me   She s an underhand
little thing  I never saw a girl of her age with so much cover  

Bessie answered not  but ere long  addressing me  she said   You ought to
be aware  Miss  that you are under obligations to Mrs  Reed  she keeps
you  if she were to turn you off  you would have to go to the poorhouse  

I had nothing to say to these words  they were not new to me  my very
first recollections of existence included hints of the same kind   This
reproach of my dependence had become a vague sing song in my ear  very
painful and crushing  but only half intelligible   Miss Abbot joined in  

 And you ought not to think yourself on an equality with the Misses Reed
and Master Reed  because Missis kindly allows you to be brought up with
them   They will have a great deal of money  and you will have none  it
is your place to be humble  and to try to make yourself agreeable to
them  

 What we tell you is for your good   added Bessie  in no harsh voice 
 you should try to be useful and pleasant  then  perhaps  you would have
a home here  but if you become passionate and rude  Missis will send you
away  I am sure  

 Besides   said Miss Abbot   God will punish her  He might strike her
dead in the midst of her tantrums  and then where would she go   Come 
Bessie  we will leave her  I wouldn t have her heart for anything   Say
your prayers  Miss Eyre  when you are by yourself  for if you don t
repent  something bad might be permitted to come down the chimney and
fetch you away  

They went  shutting the door  and locking it behind them 

The red room was a square chamber  very seldom slept in  I might say
never  indeed  unless when a chance influx of visitors at Gateshead Hall
rendered it necessary to turn to account all the accommodation it
contained  yet it was one of the largest and stateliest chambers in the
mansion   A bed supported on massive pillars of mahogany  hung with
curtains of deep red damask  stood out like a tabernacle in the centre 
the two large windows  with their blinds always drawn down  were half
shrouded in festoons and falls of similar drapery  the carpet was red 
the table at the foot of the bed was covered with a crimson cloth  the
walls were a soft fawn colour with a blush of pink in it  the wardrobe 
the toilet table  the chairs were of darkly polished old mahogany   Out
of these deep surrounding shades rose high  and glared white  the piled 
up mattresses and pillows of the bed  spread with a snowy Marseilles
counterpane   Scarcely less prominent was an ample cushioned easy chair
near the head of the bed  also white  with a footstool before it  and
looking  as I thought  like a pale throne 

This room was chill  because it seldom had a fire  it was silent  because
remote from the nursery and kitchen  solemn  because it was known to be
so seldom entered   The house maid alone came here on Saturdays  to wipe
from the mirrors and the furniture a week s quiet dust  and Mrs  Reed
herself  at far intervals  visited it to review the contents of a certain
secret drawer in the wardrobe  where were stored divers parchments  her
jewel casket  and a miniature of her deceased husband  and in those last
words lies the secret of the red room  the spell which kept it so lonely
in spite of its grandeur 

Mr  Reed had been dead nine years  it was in this chamber he breathed his
last  here he lay in state  hence his coffin was borne by the
undertaker s men  and  since that day  a sense of dreary consecration had
guarded it from frequent intrusion 

My seat  to which Bessie and the bitter Miss Abbot had left me riveted 
was a low ottoman near the marble chimney piece  the bed rose before me 
to my right hand there was the high  dark wardrobe  with subdued  broken
reflections varying the gloss of its panels  to my left were the muffled
windows  a great looking glass between them repeated the vacant majesty
of the bed and room   I was not quite sure whether they had locked the
door  and when I dared move  I got up and went to see   Alas  yes  no
jail was ever more secure   Returning  I had to cross before the looking 
glass  my fascinated glance involuntarily explored the depth it revealed 
All looked colder and darker in that visionary hollow than in reality 
and the strange little figure there gazing at me  with a white face and
arms specking the gloom  and glittering eyes of fear moving where all
else was still  had the effect of a real spirit  I thought it like one of
the tiny phantoms  half fairy  half imp  Bessie s evening stories
represented as coming out of lone  ferny dells in moors  and appearing
before the eyes of belated travellers   I returned to my stool 

Superstition was with me at that moment  but it was not yet her hour for
complete victory  my blood was still warm  the mood of the revolted slave
was still bracing me with its bitter vigour  I had to stem a rapid rush
of retrospective thought before I quailed to the dismal present 

All John Reed s violent tyrannies  all his sisters  proud indifference 
all his mother s aversion  all the servants  partiality  turned up in my
disturbed mind like a dark deposit in a turbid well   Why was I always
suffering  always browbeaten  always accused  for ever condemned   Why
could I never please   Why was it useless to try to win any one s favour 
Eliza  who was headstrong and selfish  was respected   Georgiana  who had
a spoiled temper  a very acrid spite  a captious and insolent carriage 
was universally indulged   Her beauty  her pink cheeks and golden curls 
seemed to give delight to all who looked at her  and to purchase
indemnity for every fault   John no one thwarted  much less punished 
though he twisted the necks of the pigeons  killed the little pea chicks 
set the dogs at the sheep  stripped the hothouse vines of their fruit 
and broke the buds off the choicest plants in the conservatory  he called
his mother  old girl   too  sometimes reviled her for her dark skin 
similar to his own  bluntly disregarded her wishes  not unfrequently tore
and spoiled her silk attire  and he was still  her own darling    I dared
commit no fault  I strove to fulfil every duty  and I was termed naughty
and tiresome  sullen and sneaking  from morning to noon  and from noon to
night 

My head still ached and bled with the blow and fall I had received  no
one had reproved John for wantonly striking me  and because I had turned
against him to avert farther irrational violence  I was loaded with
general opprobrium 

 Unjust   unjust   said my reason  forced by the agonising stimulus into
precocious though transitory power  and Resolve  equally wrought up 
instigated some strange expedient to achieve escape from insupportable
oppression  as running away  or  if that could not be effected  never
eating or drinking more  and letting myself die 

What a consternation of soul was mine that dreary afternoon   How all my
brain was in tumult  and all my heart in insurrection   Yet in what
darkness  what dense ignorance  was the mental battle fought   I could
not answer the ceaseless inward question   why  I thus suffered  now  at
the distance of  I will not say how many years  I see it clearly 

I was a discord in Gateshead Hall  I was like nobody there  I had nothing
in harmony with Mrs  Reed or her children  or her chosen vassalage   If
they did not love me  in fact  as little did I love them   They were not
bound to regard with affection a thing that could not sympathise with one
amongst them  a heterogeneous thing  opposed to them in temperament  in
capacity  in propensities  a useless thing  incapable of serving their
interest  or adding to their pleasure  a noxious thing  cherishing the
germs of indignation at their treatment  of contempt of their judgment   I
know that had I been a sanguine  brilliant  careless  exacting  handsome 
romping child  though equally dependent and friendless  Mrs  Reed would
have endured my presence more complacently  her children would have
entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow feeling  the servants
would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of the nursery 

Daylight began to forsake the red room  it was past four o clock  and the
beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight   I heard the rain
still beating continuously on the staircase window  and the wind howling
in the grove behind the hall  I grew by degrees cold as a stone  and then
my courage sank   My habitual mood of humiliation  self doubt  forlorn
depression  fell damp on the embers of my decaying ire   All said I was
wicked  and perhaps I might be so  what thought had I been but just
conceiving of starving myself to death   That certainly was a crime  and
was I fit to die   Or was the vault under the chancel of Gateshead Church
an inviting bourne   In such vault I had been told did Mr  Reed lie
buried  and led by this thought to recall his idea  I dwelt on it with
gathering dread   I could not remember him  but I knew that he was my own
uncle  my mother s brother  that he had taken me when a parentless infant
to his house  and that in his last moments he had required a promise of
Mrs  Reed that she would rear and maintain me as one of her own children 
Mrs  Reed probably considered she had kept this promise  and so she had 
I dare say  as well as her nature would permit her  but how could she
really like an interloper not of her race  and unconnected with her 
after her husband s death  by any tie   It must have been most irksome to
find herself bound by a hard wrung pledge to stand in the stead of a
parent to a strange child she could not love  and to see an uncongenial
alien permanently intruded on her own family group 

A singular notion dawned upon me   I doubted not  never doubted  that if
Mr  Reed had been alive he would have treated me kindly  and now  as I
sat looking at the white bed and overshadowed walls  occasionally also
turning a fascinated eye towards the dimly gleaning mirror  I began to
recall what I had heard of dead men  troubled in their graves by the
violation of their last wishes  revisiting the earth to punish the
perjured and avenge the oppressed  and I thought Mr  Reed s spirit 
harassed by the wrongs of his sister s child  might quit its
abode  whether in the church vault or in the unknown world of the
departed  and rise before me in this chamber   I wiped my tears and
hushed my sobs  fearful lest any sign of violent grief might waken a
preternatural voice to comfort me  or elicit from the gloom some haloed
face  bending over me with strange pity   This idea  consolatory in
theory  I felt would be terrible if realised  with all my might I
endeavoured to stifle it  I endeavoured to be firm   Shaking my hair from
my eyes  I lifted my head and tried to look boldly round the dark room 
at this moment a light gleamed on the wall   Was it  I asked myself  a
ray from the moon penetrating some aperture in the blind   No  moonlight
was still  and this stirred  while I gazed  it glided up to the ceiling
and quivered over my head   I can now conjecture readily that this streak
of light was  in all likelihood  a gleam from a lantern carried by some
one across the lawn  but then  prepared as my mind was for horror  shaken
as my nerves were by agitation  I thought the swift darting beam was a
herald of some coming vision from another world   My heart beat thick  my
head grew hot  a sound filled my ears  which I deemed the rushing of
wings  something seemed near me  I was oppressed  suffocated  endurance
broke down  I rushed to the door and shook the lock in desperate effort 
Steps came running along the outer passage  the key turned  Bessie and
Abbot entered 

 Miss Eyre  are you ill   said Bessie 

 What a dreadful noise  it went quite through me   exclaimed Abbot 

 Take me out   Let me go into the nursery   was my cry 

 What for   Are you hurt   Have you seen something   again demanded
Bessie 

 Oh   I saw a light  and I thought a ghost would come    I had now got
hold of Bessie s hand  and she did not snatch it from me 

 She has screamed out on purpose   declared Abbot  in some disgust    And
what a scream   If she had been in great pain one would have excused it 
but she only wanted to bring us all here  I know her naughty tricks  

 What is all this   demanded another voice peremptorily  and Mrs  Reed
came along the corridor  her cap flying wide  her gown rustling stormily 
 Abbot and Bessie  I believe I gave orders that Jane Eyre should be left
in the red room till I came to her myself  

 Miss Jane screamed so loud  ma am   pleaded Bessie 

 Let her go   was the only answer    Loose Bessie s hand  child  you
cannot succeed in getting out by these means  be assured   I abhor
artifice  particularly in children  it is my duty to show you that tricks
will not answer  you will now stay here an hour longer  and it is only on
condition of perfect submission and stillness that I shall liberate you
then  

 O aunt  have pity   Forgive me   I cannot endure it  let me be punished
some other way   I shall be killed if   

 Silence   This violence is all most repulsive   and so  no doubt  she
felt it   I was a precocious actress in her eyes  she sincerely looked on
me as a compound of virulent passions  mean spirit  and dangerous
duplicity 

Bessie and Abbot having retreated  Mrs  Reed  impatient of my now frantic
anguish and wild sobs  abruptly thrust me back and locked me in  without
farther parley   I heard her sweeping away  and soon after she was gone 
I suppose I had a species of fit  unconsciousness closed the scene 




CHAPTER III


The next thing I remember is  waking up with a feeling as if I had had a
frightful nightmare  and seeing before me a terrible red glare  crossed
with thick black bars   I heard voices  too  speaking with a hollow
sound  and as if muffled by a rush of wind or water  agitation 
uncertainty  and an all predominating sense of terror confused my
faculties   Ere long  I became aware that some one was handling me 
lifting me up and supporting me in a sitting posture  and that more
tenderly than I had ever been raised or upheld before   I rested my head
against a pillow or an arm  and felt easy 

In five minutes more the cloud of bewilderment dissolved  I knew quite
well that I was in my own bed  and that the red glare was the nursery
fire   It was night  a candle burnt on the table  Bessie stood at the bed 
foot with a basin in her hand  and a gentleman sat in a chair near my
pillow  leaning over me 

I felt an inexpressible relief  a soothing conviction of protection and
security  when I knew that there was a stranger in the room  an
individual not belonging to Gateshead  and not related to Mrs  Reed 
Turning from Bessie  though her presence was far less obnoxious to me
than that of Abbot  for instance  would have been   I scrutinised the
face of the gentleman  I knew him  it was Mr  Lloyd  an apothecary 
sometimes called in by Mrs  Reed when the servants were ailing  for
herself and the children she employed a physician 

 Well  who am I   he asked 

I pronounced his name  offering him at the same time my hand  he took it 
smiling and saying   We shall do very well by and by    Then he laid me
down  and addressing Bessie  charged her to be very careful that I was
not disturbed during the night   Having given some further directions 
and intimates that he should call again the next day  he departed  to my
grief  I felt so sheltered and befriended while he sat in the chair near
my pillow  and as he closed the door after him  all the room darkened and
my heart again sank  inexpressible sadness weighed it down 

 Do you feel as if you should sleep  Miss   asked Bessie  rather softly 

Scarcely dared I answer her  for I feared the next sentence might be
rough    I will try  

 Would you like to drink  or could you eat anything  

 No  thank you  Bessie  

 Then I think I shall go to bed  for it is past twelve o clock  but you
may call me if you want anything in the night  

Wonderful civility this   It emboldened me to ask a question 

 Bessie  what is the matter with me   Am I ill  

 You fell sick  I suppose  in the red room with crying  you ll be better
soon  no doubt  

Bessie went into the housemaid s apartment  which was near   I heard her
say  

 Sarah  come and sleep with me in the nursery  I daren t for my life be
alone with that poor child to night  she might die  it s such a strange
thing she should have that fit  I wonder if she saw anything   Missis was
rather too hard  

Sarah came back with her  they both went to bed  they were whispering
together for half an hour before they fell asleep   I caught scraps of
their conversation  from which I was able only too distinctly to infer
the main subject discussed 

 Something passed her  all dressed in white  and vanished    A great
black dog behind him    Three loud raps on the chamber door    A light in
the churchyard just over his grave    c   c 

At last both slept  the fire and the candle went out   For me  the
watches of that long night passed in ghastly wakefulness  strained by
dread  such dread as children only can feel 

No severe or prolonged bodily illness followed this incident of the red 
room  it only gave my nerves a shock of which I feel the reverberation to
this day   Yes  Mrs  Reed  to you I owe some fearful pangs of mental
suffering  but I ought to forgive you  for you knew not what you did 
while rending my heart strings  you thought you were only uprooting my
bad propensities 

Next day  by noon  I was up and dressed  and sat wrapped in a shawl by
the nursery hearth   I felt physically weak and broken down  but my worse
ailment was an unutterable wretchedness of mind  a wretchedness which
kept drawing from me silent tears  no sooner had I wiped one salt drop
from my cheek than another followed   Yet  I thought  I ought to have
been happy  for none of the Reeds were there  they were all gone out in
the carriage with their mama   Abbot  too  was sewing in another room 
and Bessie  as she moved hither and thither  putting away toys and
arranging drawers  addressed to me every now and then a word of unwonted
kindness   This state of things should have been to me a paradise of
peace  accustomed as I was to a life of ceaseless reprimand and thankless
fagging  but  in fact  my racked nerves were now in such a state that no
calm could soothe  and no pleasure excite them agreeably 

Bessie had been down into the kitchen  and she brought up with her a tart
on a certain brightly painted china plate  whose bird of paradise 
nestling in a wreath of convolvuli and rosebuds  had been wont to stir in
me a most enthusiastic sense of admiration  and which plate I had often
petitioned to be allowed to take in my hand in order to examine it more
closely  but had always hitherto been deemed unworthy of such a
privilege   This precious vessel was now placed on my knee  and I was
cordially invited to eat the circlet of delicate pastry upon it   Vain
favour  coming  like most other favours long deferred and often wished
for  too late   I could not eat the tart  and the plumage of the bird 
the tints of the flowers  seemed strangely faded  I put both plate and
tart away   Bessie asked if I would have a book  the word  book  acted as
a transient stimulus  and I begged her to fetch Gulliver s Travels from
the library   This book I had again and again perused with delight   I
considered it a narrative of facts  and discovered in it a vein of
interest deeper than what I found in fairy tales  for as to the elves 
having sought them in vain among foxglove leaves and bells  under
mushrooms and beneath the ground ivy mantling old wall nooks  I had at
length made up my mind to the sad truth  that they were all gone out of
England to some savage country where the woods were wilder and thicker 
and the population more scant  whereas  Lilliput and Brobdignag being  in
my creed  solid parts of the earth s surface  I doubted not that I might
one day  by taking a long voyage  see with my own eyes the little fields 
houses  and trees  the diminutive people  the tiny cows  sheep  and birds
of the one realm  and the corn fields forest high  the mighty mastiffs 
the monster cats  the tower like men and women  of the other   Yet  when
this cherished volume was now placed in my hand  when I turned over its
leaves  and sought in its marvellous pictures the charm I had  till now 
never failed to find  all was eerie and dreary  the giants were gaunt
goblins  the pigmies malevolent and fearful imps  Gulliver a most
desolate wanderer in most dread and dangerous regions   I closed the
book  which I dared no longer peruse  and put it on the table  beside the
untasted tart 

Bessie had now finished dusting and tidying the room  and having washed
her hands  she opened a certain little drawer  full of splendid shreds of
silk and satin  and began making a new bonnet for Georgiana s doll 
Meantime she sang  her song was  

    In the days when we went gipsying 
      A long time ago  

I had often heard the song before  and always with lively delight  for
Bessie had a sweet voice   at least  I thought so   But now  though her
voice was still sweet  I found in its melody an indescribable sadness 
Sometimes  preoccupied with her work  she sang the refrain very low  very
lingeringly   A long time ago  came out like the saddest cadence of a
funeral hymn   She passed into another ballad  this time a really doleful
one 

    My feet they are sore  and my limbs they are weary 
      Long is the way  and the mountains are wild 
   Soon will the twilight close moonless and dreary
      Over the path of the poor orphan child 

   Why did they send me so far and so lonely 
      Up where the moors spread and grey rocks are piled 
   Men are hard hearted  and kind angels only
      Watch o er the steps of a poor orphan child 

   Yet distant and soft the night breeze is blowing 
      Clouds there are none  and clear stars beam mild 
   God  in His mercy  protection is showing 
      Comfort and hope to the poor orphan child 

   Ev n should I fall o er the broken bridge passing 
      Or stray in the marshes  by false lights beguiled 
   Still will my Father  with promise and blessing 
      Take to His bosom the poor orphan child 

   There is a thought that for strength should avail me 
      Though both of shelter and kindred despoiled 
   Heaven is a home  and a rest will not fail me 
      God is a friend to the poor orphan child  

 Come  Miss Jane  don t cry   said Bessie as she finished   She might as
well have said to the fire   don t burn   but how could she divine the
morbid suffering to which I was a prey   In the course of the morning Mr 
Lloyd came again 

 What  already up   said he  as he entered the nursery    Well  nurse 
how is she  

Bessie answered that I was doing very well 

 Then she ought to look more cheerful   Come here  Miss Jane  your name
is Jane  is it not  

 Yes  sir  Jane Eyre  

 Well  you have been crying  Miss Jane Eyre  can you tell me what about 
Have you any pain  

 No  sir  

 Oh   I daresay she is crying because she could not go out with Missis in
the carriage   interposed Bessie 

 Surely not  why  she is too old for such pettishness  

I thought so too  and my self esteem being wounded by the false charge  I
answered promptly   I never cried for such a thing in my life  I hate
going out in the carriage   I cry because I am miserable  

 Oh fie  Miss   said Bessie 

The good apothecary appeared a little puzzled   I was standing before
him  he fixed his eyes on me very steadily  his eyes were small and grey 
not very bright  but I dare say I should think them shrewd now  he had a
hard featured yet good natured looking face   Having considered me at
leisure  he said  

 What made you ill yesterday  

 She had a fall   said Bessie  again putting in her word 

 Fall  why  that is like a baby again   Can t she manage to walk at her
age   She must be eight or nine years old  

 I was knocked down   was the blunt explanation  jerked out of me by
another pang of mortified pride   but that did not make me ill   I added 
while Mr  Lloyd helped himself to a pinch of snuff 

As he was returning the box to his waistcoat pocket  a loud bell rang for
the servants  dinner  he knew what it was    That s for you  nurse   said
he   you can go down  I ll give Miss Jane a lecture till you come back  

Bessie would rather have stayed  but she was obliged to go  because
punctuality at meals was rigidly enforced at Gateshead Hall 

 The fall did not make you ill  what did  then   pursued Mr  Lloyd when
Bessie was gone 

 I was shut up in a room where there is a ghost till after dark  

I saw Mr  Lloyd smile and frown at the same time 

 Ghost   What  you are a baby after all   You are afraid of ghosts  

 Of Mr  Reed s ghost I am  he died in that room  and was laid out there 
Neither Bessie nor any one else will go into it at night  if they can
help it  and it was cruel to shut me up alone without a candle   so cruel
that I think I shall never forget it  

 Nonsense   And is it that makes you so miserable   Are you afraid now in
daylight  

 No  but night will come again before long  and besides   I am
unhappy   very unhappy  for other things  

 What other things   Can you tell me some of them  

How much I wished to reply fully to this question   How difficult it was
to frame any answer   Children can feel  but they cannot analyse their
feelings  and if the analysis is partially effected in thought  they know
not how to express the result of the process in words   Fearful  however 
of losing this first and only opportunity of relieving my grief by
imparting it  I  after a disturbed pause  contrived to frame a meagre 
though  as far as it went  true response 

 For one thing  I have no father or mother  brothers or sisters  

 You have a kind aunt and cousins  

Again I paused  then bunglingly enounced  

 But John Reed knocked me down  and my aunt shut me up in the red room  

Mr  Lloyd a second time produced his snuff box 

 Don t you think Gateshead Hall a very beautiful house   asked he    Are
you not very thankful to have such a fine place to live at  

 It is not my house  sir  and Abbot says I have less right to be here
than a servant  

 Pooh  you can t be silly enough to wish to leave such a splendid place  

 If I had anywhere else to go  I should be glad to leave it  but I can
never get away from Gateshead till I am a woman  

 Perhaps you may  who knows   Have you any relations besides Mrs  Reed  

 I think not  sir  

 None belonging to your father  

 I don t know   I asked Aunt Reed once  and she said possibly I might
have some poor  low relations called Eyre  but she knew nothing about
them  

 If you had such  would you like to go to them  

I reflected   Poverty looks grim to grown people  still more so to
children  they have not much idea of industrious  working  respectable
poverty  they think of the word only as connected with ragged clothes 
scanty food  fireless grates  rude manners  and debasing vices  poverty
for me was synonymous with degradation 

 No  I should not like to belong to poor people   was my reply 

 Not even if they were kind to you  

I shook my head  I could not see how poor people had the means of being
kind  and then to learn to speak like them  to adopt their manners  to be
uneducated  to grow up like one of the poor women I saw sometimes nursing
their children or washing their clothes at the cottage doors of the
village of Gateshead  no  I was not heroic enough to purchase liberty at
the price of caste 

 But are your relatives so very poor   Are they working people  

 I cannot tell  Aunt Reed says if I have any  they must be a beggarly
set  I should not like to go a begging  

 Would you like to go to school  

Again I reflected  I scarcely knew what school was  Bessie sometimes
spoke of it as a place where young ladies sat in the stocks  wore
backboards  and were expected to be exceedingly genteel and precise  John
Reed hated his school  and abused his master  but John Reed s tastes were
no rule for mine  and if Bessie s accounts of school discipline  gathered
from the young ladies of a family where she had lived before coming to
Gateshead  were somewhat appalling  her details of certain
accomplishments attained by these same young ladies were  I thought 
equally attractive   She boasted of beautiful paintings of landscapes and
flowers by them executed  of songs they could sing and pieces they could
play  of purses they could net  of French books they could translate 
till my spirit was moved to emulation as I listened   Besides  school
would be a complete change  it implied a long journey  an entire
separation from Gateshead  an entrance into a new life 

 I should indeed like to go to school   was the audible conclusion of my
musings 

 Well  well  who knows what may happen   said Mr  Lloyd  as he got up 
 The child ought to have change of air and scene   he added  speaking to
himself   nerves not in a good state  

Bessie now returned  at the same moment the carriage was heard rolling up
the gravel walk 

 Is that your mistress  nurse   asked Mr  Lloyd    I should like to speak
to her before I go  

Bessie invited him to walk into the breakfast room  and led the way out 
In the interview which followed between him and Mrs  Reed  I presume 
from after occurrences  that the apothecary ventured to recommend my
being sent to school  and the recommendation was no doubt readily enough
adopted  for as Abbot said  in discussing the subject with Bessie when
both sat sewing in the nursery one night  after I was in bed  and  as
they thought  asleep   Missis was  she dared say  glad enough to get rid
of such a tiresome  ill conditioned child  who always looked as if she
were watching everybody  and scheming plots underhand    Abbot  I think 
gave me credit for being a sort of infantine Guy Fawkes 

On that same occasion I learned  for the first time  from Miss Abbot s
communications to Bessie  that my father had been a poor clergyman  that
my mother had married him against the wishes of her friends  who
considered the match beneath her  that my grandfather Reed was so
irritated at her disobedience  he cut her off without a shilling  that
after my mother and father had been married a year  the latter caught the
typhus fever while visiting among the poor of a large manufacturing town
where his curacy was situated  and where that disease was then prevalent 
that my mother took the infection from him  and both died within a month
of each other 

Bessie  when she heard this narrative  sighed and said   Poor Miss Jane
is to be pitied  too  Abbot  

 Yes   responded Abbot   if she were a nice  pretty child  one might
compassionate her forlornness  but one really cannot care for such a
little toad as that  

 Not a great deal  to be sure   agreed Bessie   at any rate  a beauty
like Miss Georgiana would be more moving in the same condition  

 Yes  I doat on Miss Georgiana   cried the fervent Abbot    Little
darling   with her long curls and her blue eyes  and such a sweet colour
as she has  just as if she were painted   Bessie  I could fancy a Welsh
rabbit for supper  

 So could I  with a roast onion   Come  we ll go down    They went 




CHAPTER IV


From my discourse with Mr  Lloyd  and from the above reported conference
between Bessie and Abbot  I gathered enough of hope to suffice as a
motive for wishing to get well  a change seemed near   I desired and
waited it in silence   It tarried  however  days and weeks passed  I had
regained my normal state of health  but no new allusion was made to the
subject over which I brooded   Mrs  Reed surveyed me at times with a
severe eye  but seldom addressed me  since my illness  she had drawn a
more marked line of separation than ever between me and her own children 
appointing me a small closet to sleep in by myself  condemning me to take
my meals alone  and pass all my time in the nursery  while my cousins
were constantly in the drawing room   Not a hint  however  did she drop
about sending me to school  still I felt an instinctive certainty that
she would not long endure me under the same roof with her  for her
glance  now more than ever  when turned on me  expressed an insuperable
and rooted aversion 

Eliza and Georgiana  evidently acting according to orders  spoke to me as
little as possible  John thrust his tongue in his cheek whenever he saw
me  and once attempted chastisement  but as I instantly turned against
him  roused by the same sentiment of deep ire and desperate revolt which
had stirred my corruption before  he thought it better to desist  and ran
from me tittering execrations  and vowing I had burst his nose   I had
indeed levelled at that prominent feature as hard a blow as my knuckles
could inflict  and when I saw that either that or my look daunted him  I
had the greatest inclination to follow up my advantage to purpose  but he
was already with his mama   I heard him in a blubbering tone commence the
tale of how  that nasty Jane Eyre  had flown at him like a mad cat  he
was stopped rather harshly  

 Don t talk to me about her  John  I told you not to go near her  she is
not worthy of notice  I do not choose that either you or your sisters
should associate with her  

Here  leaning over the banister  I cried out suddenly  and without at all
deliberating on my words  

 They are not fit to associate with me  

Mrs  Reed was rather a stout woman  but  on hearing this strange and
audacious declaration  she ran nimbly up the stair  swept me like a
whirlwind into the nursery  and crushing me down on the edge of my crib 
dared me in an emphatic voice to rise from that place  or utter one
syllable during the remainder of the day 

 What would Uncle Reed say to you  if he were alive   was my scarcely
voluntary demand   I say scarcely voluntary  for it seemed as if my
tongue pronounced words without my will consenting to their utterance 
something spoke out of me over which I had no control 

 What   said Mrs  Reed under her breath  her usually cold composed grey
eye became troubled with a look like fear  she took her hand from my arm 
and gazed at me as if she really did not know whether I were child or
fiend   I was now in for it 

 My Uncle Reed is in heaven  and can see all you do and think  and so can
papa and mama  they know how you shut me up all day long  and how you
wish me dead  

Mrs  Reed soon rallied her spirits  she shook me most soundly  she boxed
both my ears  and then left me without a word   Bessie supplied the
hiatus by a homily of an hour s length  in which she proved beyond a
doubt that I was the most wicked and abandoned child ever reared under a
roof   I half believed her  for I felt indeed only bad feelings surging
in my breast 

November  December  and half of January passed away   Christmas and the
New Year had been celebrated at Gateshead with the usual festive cheer 
presents had been interchanged  dinners and evening parties given   From
every enjoyment I was  of course  excluded  my share of the gaiety
consisted in witnessing the daily apparelling of Eliza and Georgiana  and
seeing them descend to the drawing room  dressed out in thin muslin
frocks and scarlet sashes  with hair elaborately ringletted  and
afterwards  in listening to the sound of the piano or the harp played
below  to the passing to and fro of the butler and footman  to the
jingling of glass and china as refreshments were handed  to the broken
hum of conversation as the drawing room door opened and closed   When
tired of this occupation  I would retire from the stairhead to the
solitary and silent nursery  there  though somewhat sad  I was not
miserable   To speak truth  I had not the least wish to go into company 
for in company I was very rarely noticed  and if Bessie had but been kind
and companionable  I should have deemed it a treat to spend the evenings
quietly with her  instead of passing them under the formidable eye of
Mrs  Reed  in a room full of ladies and gentlemen   But Bessie  as soon
as she had dressed her young ladies  used to take herself off to the
lively regions of the kitchen and housekeeper s room  generally bearing
the candle along with her   I then sat with my doll on my knee till the
fire got low  glancing round occasionally to make sure that nothing worse
than myself haunted the shadowy room  and when the embers sank to a dull
red  I undressed hastily  tugging at knots and strings as I best might 
and sought shelter from cold and darkness in my crib   To this crib I
always took my doll  human beings must love something  and  in the dearth
of worthier objects of affection  I contrived to find a pleasure in
loving and cherishing a faded graven image  shabby as a miniature
scarecrow   It puzzles me now to remember with what absurd sincerity I
doated on this little toy  half fancying it alive and capable of
sensation   I could not sleep unless it was folded in my night gown  and
when it lay there safe and warm  I was comparatively happy  believing it
to be happy likewise 

Long did the hours seem while I waited the departure of the company  and
listened for the sound of Bessie s step on the stairs  sometimes she
would come up in the interval to seek her thimble or her scissors  or
perhaps to bring me something by way of supper  a bun or a
cheese cake  then she would sit on the bed while I ate it  and when I had
finished  she would tuck the clothes round me  and twice she kissed me 
and said   Good night  Miss Jane    When thus gentle  Bessie seemed to me
the best  prettiest  kindest being in the world  and I wished most
intensely that she would always be so pleasant and amiable  and never
push me about  or scold  or task me unreasonably  as she was too often
wont to do   Bessie Lee must  I think  have been a girl of good natural
capacity  for she was smart in all she did  and had a remarkable knack of
narrative  so  at least  I judge from the impression made on me by her
nursery tales   She was pretty too  if my recollections of her face and
person are correct   I remember her as a slim young woman  with black
hair  dark eyes  very nice features  and good  clear complexion  but she
had a capricious and hasty temper  and indifferent ideas of principle or
justice  still  such as she was  I preferred her to any one else at
Gateshead Hall 

It was the fifteenth of January  about nine o clock in the morning 
Bessie was gone down to breakfast  my cousins had not yet been summoned
to their mama  Eliza was putting on her bonnet and warm garden coat to go
and feed her poultry  an occupation of which she was fond  and not less
so of selling the eggs to the housekeeper and hoarding up the money she
thus obtained   She had a turn for traffic  and a marked propensity for
saving  shown not only in the vending of eggs and chickens  but also in
driving hard bargains with the gardener about flower roots  seeds  and
slips of plants  that functionary having orders from Mrs  Reed to buy of
his young lady all the products of her parterre she wished to sell  and
Eliza would have sold the hair off her head if she could have made a
handsome profit thereby   As to her money  she first secreted it in odd
corners  wrapped in a rag or an old curl paper  but some of these hoards
having been discovered by the housemaid  Eliza  fearful of one day losing
her valued treasure  consented to intrust it to her mother  at a usurious
rate of interest  fifty or sixty per cent   which interest she exacted
every quarter  keeping her accounts in a little book with anxious
accuracy 

Georgiana sat on a high stool  dressing her hair at the glass  and
interweaving her curls with artificial flowers and faded feathers  of
which she had found a store in a drawer in the attic   I was making my
bed  having received strict orders from Bessie to get it arranged before
she returned  for Bessie now frequently employed me as a sort of under 
nurserymaid  to tidy the room  dust the chairs   c     Having spread the
quilt and folded my night dress  I went to the window seat to put in
order some picture books and doll s house furniture scattered there  an
abrupt command from Georgiana to let her playthings alone  for the tiny
chairs and mirrors  the fairy plates and cups  were her property  stopped
my proceedings  and then  for lack of other occupation  I fell to
breathing on the frost flowers with which the window was fretted  and
thus clearing a space in the glass through which I might look out on the
grounds  where all was still and petrified under the influence of a hard
frost 

From this window were visible the porter s lodge and the carriage road 
and just as I had dissolved so much of the silver white foliage veiling
the panes as left room to look out  I saw the gates thrown open and a
carriage roll through   I watched it ascending the drive with
indifference  carriages often came to Gateshead  but none ever brought
visitors in whom I was interested  it stopped in front of the house  the
door bell rang loudly  the new comer was admitted   All this being
nothing to me  my vacant attention soon found livelier attraction in the
spectacle of a little hungry robin  which came and chirruped on the twigs
of the leafless cherry tree nailed against the wall near the casement 
The remains of my breakfast of bread and milk stood on the table  and
having crumbled a morsel of roll  I was tugging at the sash to put out
the crumbs on the window sill  when Bessie came running upstairs into the
nursery 

 Miss Jane  take off your pinafore  what are you doing there   Have you
washed your hands and face this morning    I gave another tug before I
answered  for I wanted the bird to be secure of its bread  the sash
yielded  I scattered the crumbs  some on the stone sill  some on the
cherry tree bough  then  closing the window  I replied  

 No  Bessie  I have only just finished dusting  

 Troublesome  careless child  and what are you doing now   You look quite
red  as if you had been about some mischief  what were you opening the
window for  

I was spared the trouble of answering  for Bessie seemed in too great a
hurry to listen to explanations  she hauled me to the washstand 
inflicted a merciless  but happily brief scrub on my face and hands with
soap  water  and a coarse towel  disciplined my head with a bristly
brush  denuded me of my pinafore  and then hurrying me to the top of the
stairs  bid me go down directly  as I was wanted in the breakfast room 

I would have asked who wanted me  I would have demanded if Mrs  Reed was
there  but Bessie was already gone  and had closed the nursery door upon
me   I slowly descended   For nearly three months  I had never been
called to Mrs  Reed s presence  restricted so long to the nursery  the
breakfast  dining  and drawing rooms were become for me awful regions  on
which it dismayed me to intrude 

I now stood in the empty hall  before me was the breakfast room door  and
I stopped  intimidated and trembling   What a miserable little poltroon
had fear  engendered of unjust punishment  made of me in those days   I
feared to return to the nursery  and feared to go forward to the parlour 
ten minutes I stood in agitated hesitation  the vehement ringing of the
breakfast room bell decided me  I  must  enter 

 Who could want me   I asked inwardly  as with both hands I turned the
stiff door handle  which  for a second or two  resisted my efforts    What
should I see besides Aunt Reed in the apartment   a man or a woman    The
handle turned  the door unclosed  and passing through and curtseying low 
I looked up at  a black pillar   such  at least  appeared to me  at first
sight  the straight  narrow  sable clad shape standing erect on the rug 
the grim face at the top was like a carved mask  placed above the shaft
by way of capital 

Mrs  Reed occupied her usual seat by the fireside  she made a signal to
me to approach  I did so  and she introduced me to the stony stranger
with the words   This is the little girl respecting whom I applied to
you  

 He   for it was a man  turned his head slowly towards where I stood  and
having examined me with the two inquisitive looking grey eyes which
twinkled under a pair of bushy brows  said solemnly  and in a bass voice 
 Her size is small  what is her age  

 Ten years  

 So much   was the doubtful answer  and he prolonged his scrutiny for
some minutes   Presently he addressed me   Your name  little girl  

 Jane Eyre  sir  

In uttering these words I looked up  he seemed to me a tall gentleman 
but then I was very little  his features were large  and they and all the
lines of his frame were equally harsh and prim 

 Well  Jane Eyre  and are you a good child  

Impossible to reply to this in the affirmative  my little world held a
contrary opinion  I was silent   Mrs  Reed answered for me by an
expressive shake of the head  adding soon   Perhaps the less said on that
subject the better  Mr  Brocklehurst  

 Sorry indeed to hear it  she and I must have some talk   and bending
from the perpendicular  he installed his person in the arm chair opposite
Mrs  Reed s    Come here   he said 

I stepped across the rug  he placed me square and straight before him 
What a face he had  now that it was almost on a level with mine  what a
great nose  and what a mouth  and what large prominent teeth 

 No sight so sad as that of a naughty child   he began   especially a
naughty little girl   Do you know where the wicked go after death  

 They go to hell   was my ready and orthodox answer 

 And what is hell   Can you tell me that  

 A pit full of fire  

 And should you like to fall into that pit  and to be burning there for
ever  

 No  sir  

 What must you do to avoid it  

I deliberated a moment  my answer  when it did come  was objectionable 
 I must keep in good health  and not die  

 How can you keep in good health   Children younger than you die daily   I
buried a little child of five years old only a day or two since   a good
little child  whose soul is now in heaven   It is to be feared the same
could not be said of you were you to be called hence  

Not being in a condition to remove his doubt  I only cast my eyes down on
the two large feet planted on the rug  and sighed  wishing myself far
enough away 

 I hope that sigh is from the heart  and that you repent of ever having
been the occasion of discomfort to your excellent benefactress  

 Benefactress  benefactress   said I inwardly   they all call Mrs  Reed
my benefactress  if so  a benefactress is a disagreeable thing  

 Do you say your prayers night and morning   continued my interrogator 

 Yes  sir  

 Do you read your Bible  

 Sometimes  

 With pleasure   Are you fond of it  

 I like Revelations  and the book of Daniel  and Genesis and Samuel  and
a little bit of Exodus  and some parts of Kings and Chronicles  and Job
and Jonah  

 And the Psalms   I hope you like them  

 No  sir  

 No  oh  shocking   I have a little boy  younger than you  who knows six
Psalms by heart  and when you ask him which he would rather have  a
gingerbread nut to eat or a verse of a Psalm to learn  he says   Oh  the
verse of a Psalm  angels sing Psalms   says he   I wish to be a little
angel here below   he then gets two nuts in recompense for his infant
piety  

 Psalms are not interesting   I remarked 

 That proves you have a wicked heart  and you must pray to God to change
it  to give you a new and clean one  to take away your heart of stone and
give you a heart of flesh  

I was about to propound a question  touching the manner in which that
operation of changing my heart was to be performed  when Mrs  Reed
interposed  telling me to sit down  she then proceeded to carry on the
conversation herself 

 Mr  Brocklehurst  I believe I intimated in the letter which I wrote to
you three weeks ago  that this little girl has not quite the character
and disposition I could wish  should you admit her into Lowood school  I
should be glad if the superintendent and teachers were requested to keep
a strict eye on her  and  above all  to guard against her worst fault  a
tendency to deceit   I mention this in your hearing  Jane  that you may
not attempt to impose on Mr  Brocklehurst  

Well might I dread  well might I dislike Mrs  Reed  for it was her nature
to wound me cruelly  never was I happy in her presence  however carefully
I obeyed  however strenuously I strove to please her  my efforts were
still repulsed and repaid by such sentences as the above   Now  uttered
before a stranger  the accusation cut me to the heart  I dimly perceived
that she was already obliterating hope from the new phase of existence
which she destined me to enter  I felt  though I could not have expressed
the feeling  that she was sowing aversion and unkindness along my future
path  I saw myself transformed under Mr  Brocklehurst s eye into an
artful  noxious child  and what could I do to remedy the injury 

 Nothing  indeed   thought I  as I struggled to repress a sob  and
hastily wiped away some tears  the impotent evidences of my anguish 

 Deceit is  indeed  a sad fault in a child   said Mr  Brocklehurst   it
is akin to falsehood  and all liars will have their portion in the lake
burning with fire and brimstone  she shall  however  be watched  Mrs 
Reed   I will speak to Miss Temple and the teachers  

 I should wish her to be brought up in a manner suiting her prospects  
continued my benefactress   to be made useful  to be kept humble  as for
the vacations  she will  with your permission  spend them always at
Lowood  

 Your decisions are perfectly judicious  madam   returned Mr 
Brocklehurst    Humility is a Christian grace  and one peculiarly
appropriate to the pupils of Lowood  I  therefore  direct that especial
care shall be bestowed on its cultivation amongst them   I have studied
how best to mortify in them the worldly sentiment of pride  and  only the
other day  I had a pleasing proof of my success   My second daughter 
Augusta  went with her mama to visit the school  and on her return she
exclaimed   Oh  dear papa  how quiet and plain all the girls at Lowood
look  with their hair combed behind their ears  and their long pinafores 
and those little holland pockets outside their frocks  they are almost
like poor people s children  and   said she   they looked at my dress and
mama s  as if they had never seen a silk gown before   

 This is the state of things I quite approve   returned Mrs  Reed   had I
sought all England over  I could scarcely have found a system more
exactly fitting a child like Jane Eyre   Consistency  my dear Mr 
Brocklehurst  I advocate consistency in all things  

 Consistency  madam  is the first of Christian duties  and it has been
observed in every arrangement connected with the establishment of Lowood 
plain fare  simple attire  unsophisticated accommodations  hardy and
active habits  such is the order of the day in the house and its
inhabitants  

 Quite right  sir   I may then depend upon this child being received as a
pupil at Lowood  and there being trained in conformity to her position
and prospects  

 Madam  you may  she shall be placed in that nursery of chosen plants 
and I trust she will show herself grateful for the inestimable privilege
of her election  

 I will send her  then  as soon as possible  Mr  Brocklehurst  for  I
assure you  I feel anxious to be relieved of a responsibility that was
becoming too irksome  

 No doubt  no doubt  madam  and now I wish you good morning   I shall
return to Brocklehurst Hall in the course of a week or two  my good
friend  the Archdeacon  will not permit me to leave him sooner   I shall
send Miss Temple notice that she is to expect a new girl  so that there
will be no difficulty about receiving her   Good bye  

 Good bye  Mr  Brocklehurst  remember me to Mrs  and Miss Brocklehurst 
and to Augusta and Theodore  and Master Broughton Brocklehurst  

 I will  madam   Little girl  here is a book entitled the  Child s
Guide   read it with prayer  especially that part containing  An account
of the awfully sudden death of Martha G     a naughty child addicted to
falsehood and deceit   

With these words Mr  Brocklehurst put into my hand a thin pamphlet sewn
in a cover  and having rung for his carriage  he departed 

Mrs  Reed and I were left alone  some minutes passed in silence  she was
sewing  I was watching her   Mrs  Reed might be at that time some six or
seven and thirty  she was a woman of robust frame  square shouldered and
strong limbed  not tall  and  though stout  not obese  she had a somewhat
large face  the under jaw being much developed and very solid  her brow
was low  her chin large and prominent  mouth and nose sufficiently
regular  under her light eyebrows glimmered an eye devoid of ruth  her
skin was dark and opaque  her hair nearly flaxen  her constitution was
sound as a bell  illness never came near her  she was an exact  clever
manager  her household and tenantry were thoroughly under her control 
her children only at times defied her authority and laughed it to scorn 
she dressed well  and had a presence and port calculated to set off
handsome attire 

Sitting on a low stool  a few yards from her arm chair  I examined her
figure  I perused her features   In my hand I held the tract containing
the sudden death of the Liar  to which narrative my attention had been
pointed as to an appropriate warning   What had just passed  what Mrs 
Reed had said concerning me to Mr  Brocklehurst  the whole tenor of their
conversation  was recent  raw  and stinging in my mind  I had felt every
word as acutely as I had heard it plainly  and a passion of resentment
fomented now within me 

Mrs  Reed looked up from her work  her eye settled on mine  her fingers
at the same time suspended their nimble movements 

 Go out of the room  return to the nursery   was her mandate   My look or
something else must have struck her as offensive  for she spoke with
extreme though suppressed irritation   I got up  I went to the door  I
came back again  I walked to the window  across the room  then close up
to her 

 Speak  I must  I had been trodden on severely  and  must  turn  but how 
What strength had I to dart retaliation at my antagonist   I gathered my
energies and launched them in this blunt sentence  

 I am not deceitful  if I were  I should say I loved you  but I declare I
do not love you  I dislike you the worst of anybody in the world except
John Reed  and this book about the liar  you may give to your girl 
Georgiana  for it is she who tells lies  and not I  

Mrs  Reed s hands still lay on her work inactive  her eye of ice
continued to dwell freezingly on mine 

 What more have you to say   she asked  rather in the tone in which a
person might address an opponent of adult age than such as is ordinarily
used to a child 

That eye of hers  that voice stirred every antipathy I had   Shaking from
head to foot  thrilled with ungovernable excitement  I continued  

 I am glad you are no relation of mine  I will never call you aunt again
as long as I live   I will never come to see you when I am grown up  and
if any one asks me how I liked you  and how you treated me  I will say
the very thought of you makes me sick  and that you treated me with
miserable cruelty  

 How dare you affirm that  Jane Eyre  

 How dare I  Mrs  Reed   How dare I   Because it is the  truth    You
think I have no feelings  and that I can do without one bit of love or
kindness  but I cannot live so  and you have no pity   I shall remember
how you thrust me back  roughly and violently thrust me back  into the
red room  and locked me up there  to my dying day  though I was in agony 
though I cried out  while suffocating with distress   Have mercy   Have
mercy  Aunt Reed    And that punishment you made me suffer because your
wicked boy struck me  knocked me down for nothing   I will tell anybody
who asks me questions  this exact tale   People think you a good woman 
but you are bad  hard hearted    You  are deceitful  

 How dare I  Mrs  Ried   How dare I   Because it is the truth  p30 jpg 

Ere I had finished this reply  my soul began to expand  to exult  with
the strangest sense of freedom  of triumph  I ever felt   It seemed as if
an invisible bond had burst  and that I had struggled out into unhoped 
for liberty   Not without cause was this sentiment  Mrs  Reed looked
frightened  her work had slipped from her knee  she was lifting up her
hands  rocking herself to and fro  and even twisting her face as if she
would cry 

 Jane  you are under a mistake  what is the matter with you   Why do you
tremble so violently   Would you like to drink some water  

 No  Mrs  Reed  

 Is there anything else you wish for  Jane   I assure you  I desire to be
your friend  

 Not you   You told Mr  Brocklehurst I had a bad character  a deceitful
disposition  and I ll let everybody at Lowood know what you are  and what
you have done  

 Jane  you don t understand these things  children must be corrected for
their faults  

 Deceit is not my fault   I cried out in a savage  high voice 

 But you are passionate  Jane  that you must allow  and now return to the
nursery  there s a dear  and lie down a little  

 I am not your dear  I cannot lie down  send me to school soon  Mrs 
Reed  for I hate to live here  

 I will indeed send her to school soon   murmured Mrs  Reed  sotto voce  
and gathering up her work  she abruptly quitted the apartment 

I was left there alone  winner of the field   It was the hardest battle I
had fought  and the first victory I had gained  I stood awhile on the
rug  where Mr  Brocklehurst had stood  and I enjoyed my conqueror s
solitude   First  I smiled to myself and felt elate  but this fierce
pleasure subsided in me as fast as did the accelerated throb of my
pulses   A child cannot quarrel with its elders  as I had done  cannot
give its furious feelings uncontrolled play  as I had given mine  without
experiencing afterwards the pang of remorse and the chill of reaction   A
ridge of lighted heath  alive  glancing  devouring  would have been a
meet emblem of my mind when I accused and menaced Mrs  Reed  the same
ridge  black and blasted after the flames are dead  would have
represented as meetly my subsequent condition  when half an hour s
silence and reflection had shown me the madness of my conduct  and the
dreariness of my hated and hating position 

Something of vengeance I had tasted for the first time  as aromatic wine
it seemed  on swallowing  warm and racy  its after flavour  metallic and
corroding  gave me a sensation as if I had been poisoned   Willingly
would I now have gone and asked Mrs  Reed s pardon  but I knew  partly
from experience and partly from instinct  that was the way to make her
repulse me with double scorn  thereby re exciting every turbulent impulse
of my nature 

I would fain exercise some better faculty than that of fierce speaking 
fain find nourishment for some less fiendish feeling than that of sombre
indignation   I took a book  some Arabian tales  I sat down and
endeavoured to read   I could make no sense of the subject  my own
thoughts swam always between me and the page I had usually found
fascinating   I opened the glass door in the breakfast room  the
shrubbery was quite still  the black frost reigned  unbroken by sun or
breeze  through the grounds   I covered my head and arms with the skirt
of my frock  and went out to walk in a part of the plantation which was
quite sequestrated  but I found no pleasure in the silent trees  the
falling fir cones  the congealed relics of autumn  russet leaves  swept
by past winds in heaps  and now stiffened together   I leaned against a
gate  and looked into an empty field where no sheep were feeding  where
the short grass was nipped and blanched   It was a very grey day  a most
opaque sky   onding on snaw   canopied all  thence flakes felt it
intervals  which settled on the hard path and on the hoary lea without
melting   I stood  a wretched child enough  whispering to myself over and
over again   What shall I do   what shall I do  

All at once I heard a clear voice call   Miss Jane  where are you   Come
to lunch  

It was Bessie  I knew well enough  but I did not stir  her light step
came tripping down the path 

 You naughty little thing   she said    Why don t you come when you are
called  

Bessie s presence  compared with the thoughts over which I had been
brooding  seemed cheerful  even though  as usual  she was somewhat cross 
The fact is  after my conflict with and victory over Mrs  Reed  I was not
disposed to care much for the nursemaid s transitory anger  and I  was 
disposed to bask in her youthful lightness of heart   I just put my two
arms round her and said   Come  Bessie  don t scold  

The action was more frank and fearless than any I was habituated to
indulge in  somehow it pleased her 

 You are a strange child  Miss Jane   she said  as she looked down at me 
 a little roving  solitary thing  and you are going to school  I
suppose  

I nodded 

 And won t you be sorry to leave poor Bessie  

 What does Bessie care for me   She is always scolding me  

 Because you re such a queer  frightened  shy little thing   You should
be bolder  

 What  to get more knocks  

 Nonsense   But you are rather put upon  that s certain   My mother said 
when she came to see me last week  that she would not like a little one
of her own to be in your place   Now  come in  and I ve some good news
for you  

 I don t think you have  Bessie  

 Child  what do you mean   What sorrowful eyes you fix on me   Well  but
Missis and the young ladies and Master John are going out to tea this
afternoon  and you shall have tea with me   I ll ask cook to bake you a
little cake  and then you shall help me to look over your drawers  for I
am soon to pack your trunk   Missis intends you to leave Gateshead in a
day or two  and you shall choose what toys you like to take with you  

 Bessie  you must promise not to scold me any more till I go  

 Well  I will  but mind you are a very good girl  and don t be afraid of
me   Don t start when I chance to speak rather sharply  it s so
provoking  

 I don t think I shall ever be afraid of you again  Bessie  because I
have got used to you  and I shall soon have another set of people to
dread  

 If you dread them they ll dislike you  

 As you do  Bessie  

 I don t dislike you  Miss  I believe I am fonder of you than of all the
others  

 You don t show it  

 You little sharp thing  you ve got quite a new way of talking   What
makes you so venturesome and hardy  

 Why  I shall soon be away from you  and besides   I was going to say
something about what had passed between me and Mrs  Reed  but on second
thoughts I considered it better to remain silent on that head 

 And so you re glad to leave me  

 Not at all  Bessie  indeed  just now I m rather sorry  

 Just now  and rather   How coolly my little lady says it   I dare say
now if I were to ask you for a kiss you wouldn t give it me  you d say
you d  rather  not  

 I ll kiss you and welcome  bend your head down    Bessie stooped  we
mutually embraced  and I followed her into the house quite comforted 
That afternoon lapsed in peace and harmony  and in the evening Bessie
told me some of her most enchanting stories  and sang me some of her
sweetest songs   Even for me life had its gleams of sunshine 




CHAPTER V


Five o clock had hardly struck on the morning of the 19th of January 
when Bessie brought a candle into my closet and found me already up and
nearly dressed   I had risen half an hour before her entrance  and had
washed my face  and put on my clothes by the light of a half moon just
setting  whose rays streamed through the narrow window near my crib   I
was to leave Gateshead that day by a coach which passed the lodge gates
at six a m   Bessie was the only person yet risen  she had lit a fire in
the nursery  where she now proceeded to make my breakfast   Few children
can eat when excited with the thoughts of a journey  nor could I   Bessie 
having pressed me in vain to take a few spoonfuls of the boiled milk and
bread she had prepared for me  wrapped up some biscuits in a paper and
put them into my bag  then she helped me on with my pelisse and bonnet 
and wrapping herself in a shawl  she and I left the nursery   As we
passed Mrs  Reed s bedroom  she said   Will you go in and bid Missis good 
bye  

 No  Bessie  she came to my crib last night when you were gone down to
supper  and said I need not disturb her in the morning  or my cousins
either  and she told me to remember that she had always been my best
friend  and to speak of her and be grateful to her accordingly  

 What did you say  Miss  

 Nothing  I covered my face with the bedclothes  and turned from her to
the wall  

 That was wrong  Miss Jane  

 It was quite right  Bessie   Your Missis has not been my friend  she has
been my foe  

 O Miss Jane  don t say so  

 Good bye to Gateshead   cried I  as we passed through the hall and went
out at the front door 

The moon was set  and it was very dark  Bessie carried a lantern  whose
light glanced on wet steps and gravel road sodden by a recent thaw   Raw
and chill was the winter morning  my teeth chattered as I hastened down
the drive   There was a light in the porter s lodge  when we reached it 
we found the porter s wife just kindling her fire  my trunk  which had
been carried down the evening before  stood corded at the door   It
wanted but a few minutes of six  and shortly after that hour had struck 
the distant roll of wheels announced the coming coach  I went to the door
and watched its lamps approach rapidly through the gloom 

 Is she going by herself   asked the porter s wife 

 Yes  

 And how far is it  

 Fifty miles  

 What a long way   I wonder Mrs  Reed is not afraid to trust her so far
alone  

The coach drew up  there it was at the gates with its four horses and its
top laden with passengers  the guard and coachman loudly urged haste  my
trunk was hoisted up  I was taken from Bessie s neck  to which I clung
with kisses 

 Be sure and take good care of her   cried she to the guard  as he lifted
me into the inside 

 Ay  ay   was the answer  the door was slapped to  a voice exclaimed  All
right   and on we drove   Thus was I severed from Bessie and Gateshead 
thus whirled away to unknown  and  as I then deemed  remote and
mysterious regions 

I remember but little of the journey  I only know that the day seemed to
me of a preternatural length  and that we appeared to travel over
hundreds of miles of road   We passed through several towns  and in one 
a very large one  the coach stopped  the horses were taken out  and the
passengers alighted to dine   I was carried into an inn  where the guard
wanted me to have some dinner  but  as I had no appetite  he left me in
an immense room with a fireplace at each end  a chandelier pendent from
the ceiling  and a little red gallery high up against the wall filled
with musical instruments   Here I walked about for a long time  feeling
very strange  and mortally apprehensive of some one coming in and
kidnapping me  for I believed in kidnappers  their exploits having
frequently figured in Bessie s fireside chronicles   At last the guard
returned  once more I was stowed away in the coach  my protector mounted
his own seat  sounded his hollow horn  and away we rattled over the
 stony street  of L  

The afternoon came on wet and somewhat misty  as it waned into dusk  I
began to feel that we were getting very far indeed from Gateshead  we
ceased to pass through towns  the country changed  great grey hills
heaved up round the horizon  as twilight deepened  we descended a valley 
dark with wood  and long after night had overclouded the prospect  I
heard a wild wind rushing amongst trees 

Lulled by the sound  I at last dropped asleep  I had not long slumbered
when the sudden cessation of motion awoke me  the coach door was open 
and a person like a servant was standing at it  I saw her face and dress
by the light of the lamps 

 Is there a little girl called Jane Eyre here   she asked   I answered
 Yes   and was then lifted out  my trunk was handed down  and the coach
instantly drove away 

I was stiff with long sitting  and bewildered with the noise and motion
of the coach  Gathering my faculties  I looked about me   Rain  wind  and
darkness filled the air  nevertheless  I dimly discerned a wall before me
and a door open in it  through this door I passed with my new guide  she
shut and locked it behind her   There was now visible a house or
houses  for the building spread far  with many windows  and lights
burning in some  we went up a broad pebbly path  splashing wet  and were
admitted at a door  then the servant led me through a passage into a room
with a fire  where she left me alone 

I stood and warmed my numbed fingers over the blaze  then I looked round 
there was no candle  but the uncertain light from the hearth showed  by
intervals  papered walls  carpet  curtains  shining mahogany furniture 
it was a parlour  not so spacious or splendid as the drawing room at
Gateshead  but comfortable enough   I was puzzling to make out the
subject of a picture on the wall  when the door opened  and an individual
carrying a light entered  another followed close behind 

The first was a tall lady with dark hair  dark eyes  and a pale and large
forehead  her figure was partly enveloped in a shawl  her countenance was
grave  her bearing erect 

 The child is very young to be sent alone   said she  putting her candle
down on the table   She considered me attentively for a minute or two 
then further added  

 She had better be put to bed soon  she looks tired  are you tired   she
asked  placing her hand on my shoulder 

 A little  ma am  

 And hungry too  no doubt  let her have some supper before she goes to
bed  Miss Miller   Is this the first time you have left your parents to
come to school  my little girl  

I explained to her that I had no parents   She inquired how long they had
been dead  then how old I was  what was my name  whether I could read 
write  and sew a little  then she touched my cheek gently with her
forefinger  and saying   She hoped I should be a good child   dismissed
me along with Miss Miller 

The lady I had left might be about twenty nine  the one who went with me
appeared some years younger  the first impressed me by her voice  look 
and air   Miss Miller was more ordinary  ruddy in complexion  though of a
careworn countenance  hurried in gait and action  like one who had always
a multiplicity of tasks on hand  she looked  indeed  what I afterwards
found she really was  an under teacher   Led by her  I passed from
compartment to compartment  from passage to passage  of a large and
irregular building  till  emerging from the total and somewhat dreary
silence pervading that portion of the house we had traversed  we came
upon the hum of many voices  and presently entered a wide  long room 
with great deal tables  two at each end  on each of which burnt a pair of
candles  and seated all round on benches  a congregation of girls of
every age  from nine or ten to twenty   Seen by the dim light of the
dips  their number to me appeared countless  though not in reality
exceeding eighty  they were uniformly dressed in brown stuff frocks of
quaint fashion  and long holland pinafores   It was the hour of study 
they were engaged in conning over their to morrow s task  and the hum I
had heard was the combined result of their whispered repetitions 

Miss Miller signed to me to sit on a bench near the door  then walking up
to the top of the long room she cried out  

 Monitors  collect the lesson books and put them away  

Four tall girls arose from different tables  and going round  gathered
the books and removed them   Miss Miller again gave the word of command  

 Monitors  fetch the supper trays  

The tall girls went out and returned presently  each bearing a tray  with
portions of something  I knew not what  arranged thereon  and a pitcher
of water and mug in the middle of each tray   The portions were handed
round  those who liked took a draught of the water  the mug being common
to all   When it came to my turn  I drank  for I was thirsty  but did not
touch the food  excitement and fatigue rendering me incapable of eating 
I now saw  however  that it was a thin oaten cake shared into fragments 

The meal over  prayers were read by Miss Miller  and the classes filed
off  two and two  upstairs   Overpowered by this time with weariness  I
scarcely noticed what sort of a place the bedroom was  except that  like
the schoolroom  I saw it was very long   To night I was to be Miss
Miller s bed fellow  she helped me to undress  when laid down I glanced
at the long rows of beds  each of which was quickly filled with two
occupants  in ten minutes the single light was extinguished  and amidst
silence and complete darkness I fell asleep 

The night passed rapidly   I was too tired even to dream  I only once
awoke to hear the wind rave in furious gusts  and the rain fall in
torrents  and to be sensible that Miss Miller had taken her place by my
side   When I again unclosed my eyes  a loud bell was ringing  the girls
were up and dressing  day had not yet begun to dawn  and a rushlight or
two burned in the room   I too rose reluctantly  it was bitter cold  and
I dressed as well as I could for shivering  and washed when there was a
basin at liberty  which did not occur soon  as there was but one basin to
six girls  on the stands down the middle of the room   Again the bell
rang  all formed in file  two and two  and in that order descended the
stairs and entered the cold and dimly lit schoolroom  here prayers were
read by Miss Miller  afterwards she called out  

 Form classes  

A great tumult succeeded for some minutes  during which Miss Miller
repeatedly exclaimed   Silence   and  Order    When it subsided  I saw
them all drawn up in four semicircles  before four chairs  placed at the
four tables  all held books in their hands  and a great book  like a
Bible  lay on each table  before the vacant seat   A pause of some
seconds succeeded  filled up by the low  vague hum of numbers  Miss
Miller walked from class to class  hushing this indefinite sound 

A distant bell tinkled  immediately three ladies entered the room  each
walked to a table and took her seat   Miss Miller assumed the fourth
vacant chair  which was that nearest the door  and around which the
smallest of the children were assembled  to this inferior class I was
called  and placed at the bottom of it 

Business now began  the day s Collect was repeated  then certain texts of
Scripture were said  and to these succeeded a protracted reading of
chapters in the Bible  which lasted an hour   By the time that exercise
was terminated  day had fully dawned   The indefatigable bell now sounded
for the fourth time  the classes were marshalled and marched into another
room to breakfast  how glad I was to behold a prospect of getting
something to eat   I was now nearly sick from inanition  having taken so
little the day before 

The refectory was a great  low ceiled  gloomy room  on two long tables
smoked basins of something hot  which  however  to my dismay  sent forth
an odour far from inviting   I saw a universal manifestation of
discontent when the fumes of the repast met the nostrils of those
destined to swallow it  from the van of the procession  the tall girls of
the first class  rose the whispered words  

 Disgusting   The porridge is burnt again  

 Silence   ejaculated a voice  not that of Miss Miller  but one of the
upper teachers  a little and dark personage  smartly dressed  but of
somewhat morose aspect  who installed herself at the top of one table 
while a more buxom lady presided at the other   I looked in vain for her
I had first seen the night before  she was not visible  Miss Miller
occupied the foot of the table where I sat  and a strange 
foreign looking  elderly lady  the French teacher  as I afterwards found 
took the corresponding seat at the other board   A long grace was said
and a hymn sung  then a servant brought in some tea for the teachers  and
the meal began 

Ravenous  and now very faint  I devoured a spoonful or two of my portion
without thinking of its taste  but the first edge of hunger blunted  I
perceived I had got in hand a nauseous mess  burnt porridge is almost as
bad as rotten potatoes  famine itself soon sickens over it   The spoons
were moved slowly  I saw each girl taste her food and try to swallow it 
but in most cases the effort was soon relinquished   Breakfast was over 
and none had breakfasted   Thanks being returned for what we had not got 
and a second hymn chanted  the refectory was evacuated for the
schoolroom   I was one of the last to go out  and in passing the tables 
I saw one teacher take a basin of the porridge and taste it  she looked
at the others  all their countenances expressed displeasure  and one of
them  the stout one  whispered  

 Abominable stuff   How shameful  

A quarter of an hour passed before lessons again began  during which the
schoolroom was in a glorious tumult  for that space of time it seemed to
be permitted to talk loud and more freely  and they used their privilege 
The whole conversation ran on the breakfast  which one and all abused
roundly   Poor things  it was the sole consolation they had   Miss Miller
was now the only teacher in the room  a group of great girls standing
about her spoke with serious and sullen gestures   I heard the name of
Mr  Brocklehurst pronounced by some lips  at which Miss Miller shook her
head disapprovingly  but she made no great effort to check the general
wrath  doubtless she shared in it 

A clock in the schoolroom struck nine  Miss Miller left her circle  and
standing in the middle of the room  cried  

 Silence   To your seats  

Discipline prevailed  in five minutes the confused throng was resolved
into order  and comparative silence quelled the Babel clamour of tongues 
The upper teachers now punctually resumed their posts  but still  all
seemed to wait   Ranged on benches down the sides of the room  the eighty
girls sat motionless and erect  a quaint assemblage they appeared  all
with plain locks combed from their faces  not a curl visible  in brown
dresses  made high and surrounded by a narrow tucker about the throat 
with little pockets of holland  shaped something like a Highlander s
purse  tied in front of their frocks  and destined to serve the purpose
of a work bag  all  too  wearing woollen stockings and country made
shoes  fastened with brass buckles   Above twenty of those clad in this
costume were full grown girls  or rather young women  it suited them ill 
and gave an air of oddity even to the prettiest 

I was still looking at them  and also at intervals examining the
teachers  none of whom precisely pleased me  for the stout one was a
little coarse  the dark one not a little fierce  the foreigner harsh and
grotesque  and Miss Miller  poor thing  looked purple  weather beaten 
and over worked  when  as my eye wandered from face to face  the whole
school rose simultaneously  as if moved by a common spring 

What was the matter   I had heard no order given  I was puzzled   Ere I
had gathered my wits  the classes were again seated  but as all eyes were
now turned to one point  mine followed the general direction  and
encountered the personage who had received me last night   She stood at
the bottom of the long room  on the hearth  for there was a fire at each
end  she surveyed the two rows of girls silently and gravely   Miss
Miller approaching  seemed to ask her a question  and having received her
answer  went back to her place  and said aloud  

 Monitor of the first class  fetch the globes  

While the direction was being executed  the lady consulted moved slowly
up the room   I suppose I have a considerable organ of veneration  for I
retain yet the sense of admiring awe with which my eyes traced her steps 
Seen now  in broad daylight  she looked tall  fair  and shapely  brown
eyes with a benignant light in their irids  and a fine pencilling of long
lashes round  relieved the whiteness of her large front  on each of her
temples her hair  of a very dark brown  was clustered in round curls 
according to the fashion of those times  when neither smooth bands nor
long ringlets were in vogue  her dress  also in the mode of the day  was
of purple cloth  relieved by a sort of Spanish trimming of black velvet 
a gold watch  watches were not so common then as now  shone at her
girdle   Let the reader add  to complete the picture  refined features  a
complexion  if pale  clear  and a stately air and carriage  and he will
have  at least  as clearly as words can give it  a correct idea of the
exterior of Miss Temple  Maria Temple  as I afterwards saw the name
written in a prayer book intrusted to me to carry to church 

The superintendent of Lowood  for such was this lady  having taken her
seat before a pair of globes placed on one of the tables  summoned the
first class round her  and commenced giving a lesson on geography  the
lower classes were called by the teachers  repetitions in history 
grammar   c   went on for an hour  writing and arithmetic succeeded  and
music lessons were given by Miss Temple to some of the elder girls   The
duration of each lesson was measured by the clock  which at last struck
twelve   The superintendent rose  

 I have a word to address to the pupils   said she 

The tumult of cessation from lessons was already breaking forth  but it
sank at her voice   She went on  

 You had this morning a breakfast which you could not eat  you must be
hungry   I have ordered that a lunch of bread and cheese shall be served
to all  

The teachers looked at her with a sort of surprise 

 It is to be done on my responsibility   she added  in an explanatory
tone to them  and immediately afterwards left the room 

The bread and cheese was presently brought in and distributed  to the
high delight and refreshment of the whole school   The order was now
given  To the garden    Each put on a coarse straw bonnet  with strings
of coloured calico  and a cloak of grey frieze   I was similarly
equipped  and  following the stream  I made my way into the open air 

The garden was a wide inclosure  surrounded with walls so high as to
exclude every glimpse of prospect  a covered verandah ran down one side 
and broad walks bordered a middle space divided into scores of little
beds  these beds were assigned as gardens for the pupils to cultivate 
and each bed had an owner   When full of flowers they would doubtless
look pretty  but now  at the latter end of January  all was wintry blight
and brown decay   I shuddered as I stood and looked round me  it was an
inclement day for outdoor exercise  not positively rainy  but darkened by
a drizzling yellow fog  all under foot was still soaking wet with the
floods of yesterday   The stronger among the girls ran about and engaged
in active games  but sundry pale and thin ones herded together for
shelter and warmth in the verandah  and amongst these  as the dense mist
penetrated to their shivering frames  I heard frequently the sound of a
hollow cough 

As yet I had spoken to no one  nor did anybody seem to take notice of me 
I stood lonely enough  but to that feeling of isolation I was accustomed 
it did not oppress me much   I leant against a pillar of the verandah 
drew my grey mantle close about me  and  trying to forget the cold which
nipped me without  and the unsatisfied hunger which gnawed me within 
delivered myself up to the employment of watching and thinking   My
reflections were too undefined and fragmentary to merit record  I hardly
yet knew where I was  Gateshead and my past life seemed floated away to
an immeasurable distance  the present was vague and strange  and of the
future I could form no conjecture   I looked round the convent like
garden  and then up at the house  a large building  half of which seemed
grey and old  the other half quite new   The new part  containing the
schoolroom and dormitory  was lit by mullioned and latticed windows 
which gave it a church like aspect  a stone tablet over the door bore
this inscription   

 Lowood Institution   This portion was rebuilt A D       by Naomi
Brocklehurst  of Brocklehurst Hall  in this county     Let your light so
shine before men  that they may see your good works  and glorify your
Father which is in heaven    St  Matt  v  16 

I read these words over and over again  I felt that an explanation
belonged to them  and was unable fully to penetrate their import   I was
still pondering the signification of  Institution   and endeavouring to
make out a connection between the first words and the verse of Scripture 
when the sound of a cough close behind me made me turn my head   I saw a
girl sitting on a stone bench near  she was bent over a book  on the
perusal of which she seemed intent  from where I stood I could see the
title  it was  Rasselas   a name that struck me as strange  and
consequently attractive   In turning a leaf she happened to look up  and
I said to her directly  

 Is your book interesting    I had already formed the intention of asking
her to lend it to me some day 

 I like it   she answered  after a pause of a second or two  during which
she examined me 

 What is it about   I continued   I hardly know where I found the
hardihood thus to open a conversation with a stranger  the step was
contrary to my nature and habits  but I think her occupation touched a
chord of sympathy somewhere  for I too liked reading  though of a
frivolous and childish kind  I could not digest or comprehend the serious
or substantial 

 You may look at it   replied the girl  offering me the book 

I did so  a brief examination convinced me that the contents were less
taking than the title   Rasselas  looked dull to my trifling taste  I saw
nothing about fairies  nothing about genii  no bright variety seemed
spread over the closely printed pages   I returned it to her  she
received it quietly  and without saying anything she was about to relapse
into her former studious mood  again I ventured to disturb her  

 Can you tell me what the writing on that stone over the door means   What
is Lowood Institution  

 This house where you are come to live  

 And why do they call it Institution   Is it in any way different from
other schools  

 It is partly a charity school  you and I  and all the rest of us  are
charity children   I suppose you are an orphan  are not either your
father or your mother dead  

 Both died before I can remember  

 Well  all the girls here have lost either one or both parents  and this
is called an institution for educating orphans  

 Do we pay no money   Do they keep us for nothing  

 We pay  or our friends pay  fifteen pounds a year for each  

 Then why do they call us charity children  

 Because fifteen pounds is not enough for board and teaching  and the
deficiency is supplied by subscription  

 Who subscribes  

 Different benevolent minded ladies and gentlemen in this neighbourhood
and in London  

 Who was Naomi Brocklehurst  

 The lady who built the new part of this house as that tablet records 
and whose son overlooks and directs everything here  

 Why  

 Because he is treasurer and manager of the establishment  

 Then this house does not belong to that tall lady who wears a watch  and
who said we were to have some bread and cheese  

 To Miss Temple   Oh  no   I wish it did  she has to answer to Mr 
Brocklehurst for all she does   Mr  Brocklehurst buys all our food and
all our clothes  

 Does he live here  

 No  two miles off  at a large hall  

 Is he a good man  

 He is a clergyman  and is said to do a great deal of good  

 Did you say that tall lady was called Miss Temple  

 Yes  

 And what are the other teachers called  

 The one with red cheeks is called Miss Smith  she attends to the work 
and cuts out  for we make our own clothes  our frocks  and pelisses  and
everything  the little one with black hair is Miss Scatcherd  she teaches
history and grammar  and hears the second class repetitions  and the one
who wears a shawl  and has a pocket handkerchief tied to her side with a
yellow ribband  is Madame Pierrot  she comes from Lisle  in France  and
teaches French  

 Do you like the teachers  

 Well enough  

 Do you like the little black one  and the Madame       I cannot
pronounce her name as you do  

 Miss Scatcherd is hasty  you must take care not to offend her  Madame
Pierrot is not a bad sort of person  

 But Miss Temple is the best  isn t she  

 Miss Temple is very good and very clever  she is above the rest  because
she knows far more than they do  

 Have you been long here  

 Two years  

 Are you an orphan  

 My mother is dead  

 Are you happy here  

 You ask rather too many questions   I have given you answers enough for
the present  now I want to read  

But at that moment the summons sounded for dinner  all re entered the
house   The odour which now filled the refectory was scarcely more
appetising than that which had regaled our nostrils at breakfast  the
dinner was served in two huge tin plated vessels  whence rose a strong
steam redolent of rancid fat   I found the mess to consist of indifferent
potatoes and strange shreds of rusty meat  mixed and cooked together   Of
this preparation a tolerably abundant plateful was apportioned to each
pupil   I ate what I could  and wondered within myself whether every
day s fare would be like this 

After dinner  we immediately adjourned to the schoolroom  lessons
recommenced  and were continued till five o clock 

The only marked event of the afternoon was  that I saw the girl with whom
I had conversed in the verandah dismissed in disgrace by Miss Scatcherd
from a history class  and sent to stand in the middle of the large
schoolroom   The punishment seemed to me in a high degree ignominious 
especially for so great a girl  she looked thirteen or upwards   I
expected she would show signs of great distress and shame  but to my
surprise she neither wept nor blushed  composed  though grave  she stood 
the central mark of all eyes    How can she bear it so quietly  so
firmly   I asked of myself    Were I in her place  it seems to me I
should wish the earth to open and swallow me up   She looks as if she
were thinking of something beyond her punishment  beyond her situation 
of something not round her nor before her   I have heard of day dreams  is
she in a day dream now   Her eyes are fixed on the floor  but I am sure
they do not see it  her sight seems turned in  gone down into her heart 
she is looking at what she can remember  I believe  not at what is really
present   I wonder what sort of a girl she is  whether good or naughty  

Soon after five p m  we had another meal  consisting of a small mug of
coffee  and half a slice of brown bread   I devoured my bread and drank
my coffee with relish  but I should have been glad of as much more  I was
still hungry   Half an hour s recreation succeeded  then study  then the
glass of water and the piece of oat cake  prayers  and bed   Such was my
first day at Lowood 




CHAPTER VI


The next day commenced as before  getting up and dressing by rushlight 
but this morning we were obliged to dispense with the ceremony of
washing  the water in the pitchers was frozen   A change had taken place
in the weather the preceding evening  and a keen north east wind 
whistling through the crevices of our bedroom windows all night long  had
made us shiver in our beds  and turned the contents of the ewers to ice 

Before the long hour and a half of prayers and Bible reading was over  I
felt ready to perish with cold   Breakfast time came at last  and this
morning the porridge was not burnt  the quality was eatable  the quantity
small   How small my portion seemed   I wished it had been doubled 

In the course of the day I was enrolled a member of the fourth class  and
regular tasks and occupations were assigned me  hitherto  I had only been
a spectator of the proceedings at Lowood  I was now to become an actor
therein   At first  being little accustomed to learn by heart  the
lessons appeared to me both long and difficult  the frequent change from
task to task  too  bewildered me  and I was glad when  about three
o clock in the afternoon  Miss Smith put into my hands a border of muslin
two yards long  together with needle  thimble   c   and sent me to sit in
a quiet corner of the schoolroom  with directions to hem the same   At
that hour most of the others were sewing likewise  but one class still
stood round Miss Scatcherd s chair reading  and as all was quiet  the
subject of their lessons could be heard  together with the manner in
which each girl acquitted herself  and the animadversions or
commendations of Miss Scatcherd on the performance   It was English
history  among the readers I observed my acquaintance of the verandah  at
the commencement of the lesson  her place had been at the top of the
class  but for some error of pronunciation  or some inattention to stops 
she was suddenly sent to the very bottom   Even in that obscure position 
Miss Scatcherd continued to make her an object of constant notice  she
was continually addressing to her such phrases as the following   

 Burns   such it seems was her name  the girls here were all called by
their surnames  as boys are elsewhere    Burns  you are standing on the
side of your shoe  turn your toes out immediately     Burns  you poke
your chin most unpleasantly  draw it in     Burns  I insist on your
holding your head up  I will not have you before me in that attitude  
 c   c 

A chapter having been read through twice  the books were closed and the
girls examined   The lesson had comprised part of the reign of Charles
I   and there were sundry questions about tonnage and poundage and ship 
money  which most of them appeared unable to answer  still  every little
difficulty was solved instantly when it reached Burns  her memory seemed
to have retained the substance of the whole lesson  and she was ready
with answers on every point   I kept expecting that Miss Scatcherd would
praise her attention  but  instead of that  she suddenly cried out  

 You dirty  disagreeable girl  you have never cleaned your nails this
morning  

Burns made no answer  I wondered at her silence    Why   thought I   does
she not explain that she could neither clean her nails nor wash her face 
as the water was frozen  

My attention was now called off by Miss Smith desiring me to hold a skein
of thread  while she was winding it  she talked to me from time to time 
asking whether I had ever been at school before  whether I could mark 
stitch  knit   c   till she dismissed me  I could not pursue my
observations on Miss Scatcherd s movements   When I returned to my seat 
that lady was just delivering an order of which I did not catch the
import  but Burns immediately left the class  and going into the small
inner room where the books were kept  returned in half a minute  carrying
in her hand a bundle of twigs tied together at one end   This ominous
tool she presented to Miss Scatcherd with a respectful curtesy  then she
quietly  and without being told  unloosed her pinafore  and the teacher
instantly and sharply inflicted on her neck a dozen strokes with the
bunch of twigs   Not a tear rose to Burns  eye  and  while I paused from
my sewing  because my fingers quivered at this spectacle with a sentiment
of unavailing and impotent anger  not a feature of her pensive face
altered its ordinary expression 

 Hardened girl   exclaimed Miss Scatcherd   nothing can correct you of
your slatternly habits  carry the rod away  

Burns obeyed  I looked at her narrowly as she emerged from the
book closet  she was just putting back her handkerchief into her pocket 
and the trace of a tear glistened on her thin cheek 

The play hour in the evening I thought the pleasantest fraction of the
day at Lowood  the bit of bread  the draught of coffee swallowed at five
o clock had revived vitality  if it had not satisfied hunger  the long
restraint of the day was slackened  the schoolroom felt warmer than in
the morning  its fires being allowed to burn a little more brightly  to
supply  in some measure  the place of candles  not yet introduced  the
ruddy gloaming  the licensed uproar  the confusion of many voices gave
one a welcome sense of liberty 

On the evening of the day on which I had seen Miss Scatcherd flog her
pupil  Burns  I wandered as usual among the forms and tables and laughing
groups without a companion  yet not feeling lonely  when I passed the
windows  I now and then lifted a blind  and looked out  it snowed fast  a
drift was already forming against the lower panes  putting my ear close
to the window  I could distinguish from the gleeful tumult within  the
disconsolate moan of the wind outside 

Probably  if I had lately left a good home and kind parents  this would
have been the hour when I should most keenly have regretted the
separation  that wind would then have saddened my heart  this obscure
chaos would have disturbed my peace  as it was  I derived from both a
strange excitement  and reckless and feverish  I wished the wind to howl
more wildly  the gloom to deepen to darkness  and the confusion to rise
to clamour 

Jumping over forms  and creeping under tables  I made my way to one of
the fire places  there  kneeling by the high wire fender  I found Burns 
absorbed  silent  abstracted from all round her by the companionship of a
book  which she read by the dim glare of the embers 

 Is it still  Rasselas    I asked  coming behind her 

 Yes   she said   and I have just finished it  

And in five minutes more she shut it up   I was glad of this    Now  
thought I   I can perhaps get her to talk    I sat down by her on the
floor 

 What is your name besides Burns  

 Helen  

 Do you come a long way from here  

 I come from a place farther north  quite on the borders of Scotland  

 Will you ever go back  

 I hope so  but nobody can be sure of the future  

 You must wish to leave Lowood  

 No  why should I   I was sent to Lowood to get an education  and it
would be of no use going away until I have attained that object  

 But that teacher  Miss Scatcherd  is so cruel to you  

 Cruel   Not at all   She is severe  she dislikes my faults  

 And if I were in your place I should dislike her  I should resist her 
If she struck me with that rod  I should get it from her hand  I should
break it under her nose  

 Probably you would do nothing of the sort  but if you did  Mr 
Brocklehurst would expel you from the school  that would be a great grief
to your relations   It is far better to endure patiently a smart which
nobody feels but yourself  than to commit a hasty action whose evil
consequences will extend to all connected with you  and besides  the
Bible bids us return good for evil  

 But then it seems disgraceful to be flogged  and to be sent to stand in
the middle of a room full of people  and you are such a great girl  I am
far younger than you  and I could not bear it  

 Yet it would be your duty to bear it  if you could not avoid it  it is
weak and silly to say you  cannot bear  what it is your fate to be
required to bear  

I heard her with wonder  I could not comprehend this doctrine of
endurance  and still less could I understand or sympathise with the
forbearance she expressed for her chastiser   Still I felt that Helen
Burns considered things by a light invisible to my eyes   I suspected she
might be right and I wrong  but I would not ponder the matter deeply 
like Felix  I put it off to a more convenient season 

 You say you have faults  Helen  what are they   To me you seem very
good  

 Then learn from me  not to judge by appearances  I am  as Miss Scatcherd
said  slatternly  I seldom put  and never keep  things  in order  I am
careless  I forget rules  I read when I should learn my lessons  I have
no method  and sometimes I say  like you  I cannot  bear  to be subjected
to systematic arrangements   This is all very provoking to Miss
Scatcherd  who is naturally neat  punctual  and particular  

 And cross and cruel   I added  but Helen Burns would not admit my
addition  she kept silence 

 Is Miss Temple as severe to you as Miss Scatcherd  

At the utterance of Miss Temple s name  a soft smile flitted over her
grave face 

 Miss Temple is full of goodness  it pains her to be severe to any one 
even the worst in the school  she sees my errors  and tells me of them
gently  and  if I do anything worthy of praise  she gives me my meed
liberally   One strong proof of my wretchedly defective nature is  that
even her expostulations  so mild  so rational  have not influence to cure
me of my faults  and even her praise  though I value it most highly 
cannot stimulate me to continued care and foresight  

 That is curious   said I   it is so easy to be careful  

 For  you  I have no doubt it is   I observed you in your class this
morning  and saw you were closely attentive  your thoughts never seemed
to wander while Miss Miller explained the lesson and questioned you   Now 
mine continually rove away  when I should be listening to Miss Scatcherd 
and collecting all she says with assiduity  often I lose the very sound
of her voice  I fall into a sort of dream   Sometimes I think I am in
Northumberland  and that the noises I hear round me are the bubbling of a
little brook which runs through Deepden  near our house   then  when it
comes to my turn to reply  I have to be awakened  and having heard
nothing of what was read for listening to the visionary brook  I have no
answer ready  

 Yet how well you replied this afternoon  

 It was mere chance  the subject on which we had been reading had
interested me   This afternoon  instead of dreaming of Deepden  I was
wondering how a man who wished to do right could act so unjustly and
unwisely as Charles the First sometimes did  and I thought what a pity it
was that  with his integrity and conscientiousness  he could see no
farther than the prerogatives of the crown   If he had but been able to
look to a distance  and see how what they call the spirit of the age was
tending   Still  I like Charles  I respect him  I pity him  poor murdered
king   Yes  his enemies were the worst  they shed blood they had no right
to shed   How dared they kill him  

Helen was talking to herself now  she had forgotten I could not very well
understand her  that I was ignorant  or nearly so  of the subject she
discussed   I recalled her to my level 

 And when Miss Temple teaches you  do your thoughts wander then  

 No  certainly  not often  because Miss Temple has generally something to
say which is newer than my own reflections  her language is singularly
agreeable to me  and the information she communicates is often just what
I wished to gain  

 Well  then  with Miss Temple you are good  

 Yes  in a passive way  I make no effort  I follow as inclination guides
me   There is no merit in such goodness  

 A great deal  you are good to those who are good to you   It is all I
ever desire to be   If people were always kind and obedient to those who
are cruel and unjust  the wicked people would have it all their own way 
they would never feel afraid  and so they would never alter  but would
grow worse and worse   When we are struck at without a reason  we should
strike back again very hard  I am sure we should  so hard as to teach the
person who struck us never to do it again  

 You will change your mind  I hope  when you grow older  as yet you are
but a little untaught girl  

 But I feel this  Helen  I must dislike those who  whatever I do to
please them  persist in disliking me  I must resist those who punish me
unjustly   It is as natural as that I should love those who show me
affection  or submit to punishment when I feel it is deserved  

 Heathens and savage tribes hold that doctrine  but Christians and
civilised nations disown it  

 How   I don t understand  

 It is not violence that best overcomes hate  nor vengeance that most
certainly heals injury  

 What then  

 Read the New Testament  and observe what Christ says  and how He acts 
make His word your rule  and His conduct your example  

 What does He say  

 Love your enemies  bless them that curse you  do good to them that hate
you and despitefully use you  

 Then I should love Mrs  Reed  which I cannot do  I should bless her son
John  which is impossible  

In her turn  Helen Burns asked me to explain  and I proceeded forthwith
to pour out  in my own way  the tale of my sufferings and resentments 
Bitter and truculent when excited  I spoke as I felt  without reserve or
softening 

Helen heard me patiently to the end  I expected she would then make a
remark  but she said nothing 

 Well   I asked impatiently   is not Mrs  Reed a hard hearted  bad
woman  

 She has been unkind to you  no doubt  because you see  she dislikes your
cast of character  as Miss Scatcherd does mine  but how minutely you
remember all she has done and said to you   What a singularly deep
impression her injustice seems to have made on your heart   No ill usage
so brands its record on my feelings   Would you not be happier if you
tried to forget her severity  together with the passionate emotions it
excited   Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity
or registering wrongs   We are  and must be  one and all  burdened with
faults in this world  but the time will soon come when  I trust  we shall
put them off in putting off our corruptible bodies  when debasement and
sin will fall from us with this cumbrous frame of flesh  and only the
spark of the spirit will remain   the impalpable principle of light and
thought  pure as when it left the Creator to inspire the creature  whence
it came it will return  perhaps again to be communicated to some being
higher than man  perhaps to pass through gradations of glory  from the
pale human soul to brighten to the seraph   Surely it will never  on the
contrary  be suffered to degenerate from man to fiend   No  I cannot
believe that  I hold another creed  which no one ever taught me  and
which I seldom mention  but in which I delight  and to which I cling  for
it extends hope to all  it makes Eternity a rest  a mighty home  not a
terror and an abyss   Besides  with this creed  I can so clearly
distinguish between the criminal and his crime  I can so sincerely
forgive the first while I abhor the last  with this creed revenge never
worries my heart  degradation never too deeply disgusts me  injustice
never crushes me too low  I live in calm  looking to the end  

Helen s head  always drooping  sank a little lower as she finished this
sentence   I saw by her look she wished no longer to talk to me  but
rather to converse with her own thoughts   She was not allowed much time
for meditation  a monitor  a great rough girl  presently came up 
exclaiming in a strong Cumberland accent  

 Helen Burns  if you don t go and put your drawer in order  and fold up
your work this minute  I ll tell Miss Scatcherd to come and look at it  

Helen sighed as her reverie fled  and getting up  obeyed the monitor
without reply as without delay 




CHAPTER VII


My first quarter at Lowood seemed an age  and not the golden age either 
it comprised an irksome struggle with difficulties in habituating myself
to new rules and unwonted tasks   The fear of failure in these points
harassed me worse than the physical hardships of my lot  though these
were no trifles 

During January  February  and part of March  the deep snows  and  after
their melting  the almost impassable roads  prevented our stirring beyond
the garden walls  except to go to church  but within these limits we had
to pass an hour every day in the open air   Our clothing was insufficient
to protect us from the severe cold  we had no boots  the snow got into
our shoes and melted there  our ungloved hands became numbed and covered
with chilblains  as were our feet  I remember well the distracting
irritation I endured from this cause every evening  when my feet
inflamed  and the torture of thrusting the swelled  raw  and stiff toes
into my shoes in the morning   Then the scanty supply of food was
distressing  with the keen appetites of growing children  we had scarcely
sufficient to keep alive a delicate invalid   From this deficiency of
nourishment resulted an abuse  which pressed hardly on the younger
pupils  whenever the famished great girls had an opportunity  they would
coax or menace the little ones out of their portion   Many a time I have
shared between two claimants the precious morsel of brown bread
distributed at tea time  and after relinquishing to a third half the
contents of my mug of coffee  I have swallowed the remainder with an
accompaniment of secret tears  forced from me by the exigency of hunger 

Sundays were dreary days in that wintry season   We had to walk two miles
to Brocklebridge Church  where our patron officiated   We set out cold 
we arrived at church colder  during the morning service we became almost
paralysed   It was too far to return to dinner  and an allowance of cold
meat and bread  in the same penurious proportion observed in our ordinary
meals  was served round between the services 

At the close of the afternoon service we returned by an exposed and hilly
road  where the bitter winter wind  blowing over a range of snowy summits
to the north  almost flayed the skin from our faces 

I can remember Miss Temple walking lightly and rapidly along our drooping
line  her plaid cloak  which the frosty wind fluttered  gathered close
about her  and encouraging us  by precept and example  to keep up our
spirits  and march forward  as she said   like stalwart soldiers    The
other teachers  poor things  were generally themselves too much dejected
to attempt the task of cheering others 

How we longed for the light and heat of a blazing fire when we got back 
But  to the little ones at least  this was denied  each hearth in the
schoolroom was immediately surrounded by a double row of great girls  and
behind them the younger children crouched in groups  wrapping their
starved arms in their pinafores 

A little solace came at tea time  in the shape of a double ration of
bread  a whole  instead of a half  slice  with the delicious addition of
a thin scrape of butter  it was the hebdomadal treat to which we all
looked forward from Sabbath to Sabbath   I generally contrived to reserve
a moiety of this bounteous repast for myself  but the remainder I was
invariably obliged to part with 

The Sunday evening was spent in repeating  by heart  the Church
Catechism  and the fifth  sixth  and seventh chapters of St  Matthew  and
in listening to a long sermon  read by Miss Miller  whose irrepressible
yawns attested her weariness   A frequent interlude of these performances
was the enactment of the part of Eutychus by some half dozen of little
girls  who  overpowered with sleep  would fall down  if not out of the
third loft  yet off the fourth form  and be taken up half dead   The
remedy was  to thrust them forward into the centre of the schoolroom  and
oblige them to stand there till the sermon was finished   Sometimes their
feet failed them  and they sank together in a heap  they were then
propped up with the monitors  high stools 

I have not yet alluded to the visits of Mr  Brocklehurst  and indeed that
gentleman was from home during the greater part of the first month after
my arrival  perhaps prolonging his stay with his friend the archdeacon 
his absence was a relief to me   I need not say that I had my own reasons
for dreading his coming  but come he did at last 

One afternoon  I had then been three weeks at Lowood   as I was sitting
with a slate in my hand  puzzling over a sum in long division  my eyes 
raised in abstraction to the window  caught sight of a figure just
passing  I recognised almost instinctively that gaunt outline  and when 
two minutes after  all the school  teachers included  rose  en masse   it
was not necessary for me to look up in order to ascertain whose entrance
they thus greeted   A long stride measured the schoolroom  and presently
beside Miss Temple  who herself had risen  stood the same black column
which had frowned on me so ominously from the hearthrug of Gateshead   I
now glanced sideways at this piece of architecture   Yes  I was right  it
was Mr  Brocklehurst  buttoned up in a surtout  and looking longer 
narrower  and more rigid than ever 

I had my own reasons for being dismayed at this apparition  too well I
remembered the perfidious hints given by Mrs  Reed about my disposition 
 c   the promise pledged by Mr  Brocklehurst to apprise Miss Temple and
the teachers of my vicious nature   All along I had been dreading the
fulfilment of this promise   I had been looking out daily for the  Coming
Man   whose information respecting my past life and conversation was to
brand me as a bad child for ever  now there he was 

He stood at Miss Temple s side  he was speaking low in her ear  I did not
doubt he was making disclosures of my villainy  and I watched her eye
with painful anxiety  expecting every moment to see its dark orb turn on
me a glance of repugnance and contempt   I listened too  and as I
happened to be seated quite at the top of the room  I caught most of what
he said  its import relieved me from immediate apprehension 

 I suppose  Miss Temple  the thread I bought at Lowton will do  it struck
me that it would be just of the quality for the calico chemises  and I
sorted the needles to match   You may tell Miss Smith that I forgot to
make a memorandum of the darning needles  but she shall have some papers
sent in next week  and she is not  on any account  to give out more than
one at a time to each pupil  if they have more  they are apt to be
careless and lose them   And  O ma am   I wish the woollen stockings were
better looked to   when I was here last  I went into the kitchen garden
and examined the clothes drying on the line  there was a quantity of
black hose in a very bad state of repair  from the size of the holes in
them I was sure they had not been well mended from time to time  

He paused 

 Your directions shall be attended to  sir   said Miss Temple 

 And  ma am   he continued   the laundress tells me some of the girls
have two clean tuckers in the week  it is too much  the rules limit them
to one  

 I think I can explain that circumstance  sir   Agnes and Catherine
Johnstone were invited to take tea with some friends at Lowton last
Thursday  and I gave them leave to put on clean tuckers for the
occasion  

Mr  Brocklehurst nodded 

 Well  for once it may pass  but please not to let the circumstance occur
too often   And there is another thing which surprised me  I find  in
settling accounts with the housekeeper  that a lunch  consisting of bread
and cheese  has twice been served out to the girls during the past
fortnight   How is this   I looked over the regulations  and I find no
such meal as lunch mentioned   Who introduced this innovation  and by
what authority  

 I must be responsible for the circumstance  sir   replied Miss Temple 
 the breakfast was so ill prepared that the pupils could not possibly eat
it  and I dared not allow them to remain fasting till dinner time  

 Madam  allow me an instant   You are aware that my plan in bringing up
these girls is  not to accustom them to habits of luxury and indulgence 
but to render them hardy  patient  self denying   Should any little
accidental disappointment of the appetite occur  such as the spoiling of
a meal  the under or the over dressing of a dish  the incident ought not
to be neutralised by replacing with something more delicate the comfort
lost  thus pampering the body and obviating the aim of this institution 
it ought to be improved to the spiritual edification of the pupils  by
encouraging them to evince fortitude under temporary privation   A brief
address on those occasions would not be mistimed  wherein a judicious
instructor would take the opportunity of referring to the sufferings of
the primitive Christians  to the torments of martyrs  to the exhortations
of our blessed Lord Himself  calling upon His disciples to take up their
cross and follow Him  to His warnings that man shall not live by bread
alone  but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God  to His
divine consolations   If ye suffer hunger or thirst for My sake  happy
are ye    Oh  madam  when you put bread and cheese  instead of burnt
porridge  into these children s mouths  you may indeed feed their vile
bodies  but you little think how you starve their immortal souls  

Mr  Brocklehurst again paused  perhaps overcome by his feelings   Miss
Temple had looked down when he first began to speak to her  but she now
gazed straight before her  and her face  naturally pale as marble 
appeared to be assuming also the coldness and fixity of that material 
especially her mouth  closed as if it would have required a sculptor s
chisel to open it  and her brow settled gradually into petrified
severity 

Meantime  Mr  Brocklehurst  standing on the hearth with his hands behind
his back  majestically surveyed the whole school   Suddenly his eye gave
a blink  as if it had met something that either dazzled or shocked its
pupil  turning  he said in more rapid accents than he had hitherto used  

 Miss Temple  Miss Temple  what   what  is that girl with curled hair 
Red hair  ma am  curled  curled all over    And extending his cane he
pointed to the awful object  his hand shaking as he did so 

 It is Julia Severn   replied Miss Temple  very quietly 

 Julia Severn  ma am   And why has she  or any other  curled hair   Why 
in defiance of every precept and principle of this house  does she
conform to the world so openly  here in an evangelical  charitable
establishment  as to wear her hair one mass of curls  

 Julia s hair curls naturally   returned Miss Temple  still more quietly 

 Naturally   Yes  but we are not to conform to nature  I wish these girls
to be the children of Grace  and why that abundance   I have again and
again intimated that I desire the hair to be arranged closely  modestly 
plainly   Miss Temple  that girl s hair must be cut off entirely  I will
send a barber to morrow  and I see others who have far too much of the
excrescence  that tall girl  tell her to turn round   Tell all the first
form to rise up and direct their faces to the wall  

Miss Temple passed her handkerchief over her lips  as if to smooth away
the involuntary smile that curled them  she gave the order  however  and
when the first class could take in what was required of them  they
obeyed   Leaning a little back on my bench  I could see the looks and
grimaces with which they commented on this manoeuvre  it was a pity Mr 
Brocklehurst could not see them too  he would perhaps have felt that 
whatever he might do with the outside of the cup and platter  the inside
was further beyond his interference than he imagined 

He scrutinised the reverse of these living medals some five minutes  then
pronounced sentence   These words fell like the knell of doom  

 All those top knots must be cut off  

Miss Temple seemed to remonstrate 

 Madam   he pursued   I have a Master to serve whose kingdom is not of
this world  my mission is to mortify in these girls the lusts of the
flesh  to teach them to clothe themselves with shame facedness and
sobriety  not with braided hair and costly apparel  and each of the young
persons before us has a string of hair twisted in plaits which vanity
itself might have woven  these  I repeat  must be cut off  think of the
time wasted  of   

Mr  Brocklehurst was here interrupted  three other visitors  ladies  now
entered the room   They ought to have come a little sooner to have heard
his lecture on dress  for they were splendidly attired in velvet  silk 
and furs   The two younger of the trio  fine girls of sixteen and
seventeen  had grey beaver hats  then in fashion  shaded with ostrich
plumes  and from under the brim of this graceful head dress fell a
profusion of light tresses  elaborately curled  the elder lady was
enveloped in a costly velvet shawl  trimmed with ermine  and she wore a
false front of French curls 

These ladies were deferentially received by Miss Temple  as Mrs  and the
Misses Brocklehurst  and conducted to seats of honour at the top of the
room   It seems they had come in the carriage with their reverend
relative  and had been conducting a rummaging scrutiny of the room
upstairs  while he transacted business with the housekeeper  questioned
the laundress  and lectured the superintendent   They now proceeded to
address divers remarks and reproofs to Miss Smith  who was charged with
the care of the linen and the inspection of the dormitories  but I had no
time to listen to what they said  other matters called off and enchanted
my attention 

Hitherto  while gathering up the discourse of Mr  Brocklehurst and Miss
Temple  I had not  at the same time  neglected precautions to secure my
personal safety  which I thought would be effected  if I could only elude
observation   To this end  I had sat well back on the form  and while
seeming to be busy with my sum  had held my slate in such a manner as to
conceal my face  I might have escaped notice  had not my treacherous
slate somehow happened to slip from my hand  and falling with an
obtrusive crash  directly drawn every eye upon me  I knew it was all over
now  and  as I stooped to pick up the two fragments of slate  I rallied
my forces for the worst   It came 

 A careless girl   said Mr  Brocklehurst  and immediately after   It is
the new pupil  I perceive    And before I could draw breath   I must not
forget I have a word to say respecting her    Then aloud  how loud it
seemed to me    Let the child who broke her slate come forward  

Of my own accord I could not have stirred  I was paralysed  but the two
great girls who sit on each side of me  set me on my legs and pushed me
towards the dread judge  and then Miss Temple gently assisted me to his
very feet  and I caught her whispered counsel  

 Don t be afraid  Jane  I saw it was an accident  you shall not be
punished  

The kind whisper went to my heart like a dagger 

 Another minute  and she will despise me for a hypocrite   thought I  and
an impulse of fury against Reed  Brocklehurst  and Co  bounded in my
pulses at the conviction   I was no Helen Burns 

 Fetch that stool   said Mr  Brocklehurst  pointing to a very high one
from which a monitor had just risen  it was brought 

 Place the child upon it  

And I was placed there  by whom I don t know  I was in no condition to
note particulars  I was only aware that they had hoisted me up to the
height of Mr  Brocklehurst s nose  that he was within a yard of me  and
that a spread of shot orange and purple silk pelisses and a cloud of
silvery plumage extended and waved below me 

Mr  Brocklehurst hemmed 

 Ladies   said he  turning to his family   Miss Temple  teachers  and
children  you all see this girl  

Of course they did  for I felt their eyes directed like burning glasses
against my scorched skin 

 You see she is yet young  you observe she possesses the ordinary form of
childhood  God has graciously given her the shape that He has given to
all of us  no signal deformity points her out as a marked character   Who
would think that the Evil One had already found a servant and agent in
her   Yet such  I grieve to say  is the case  

A pause  in which I began to steady the palsy of my nerves  and to feel
that the Rubicon was passed  and that the trial  no longer to be shirked 
must be firmly sustained 

 My dear children   pursued the black marble clergyman  with pathos 
 this is a sad  a melancholy occasion  for it becomes my duty to warn
you  that this girl  who might be one of God s own lambs  is a little
castaway  not a member of the true flock  but evidently an interloper and
an alien   You must be on your guard against her  you must shun her
example  if necessary  avoid her company  exclude her from your sports 
and shut her out from your converse   Teachers  you must watch her  keep
your eyes on her movements  weigh well her words  scrutinise her actions 
punish her body to save her soul  if  indeed  such salvation be possible 
for  my tongue falters while I tell it  this girl  this child  the native
of a Christian land  worse than many a little heathen who says its
prayers to Brahma and kneels before Juggernaut  this girl is  a liar  

Now came a pause of ten minutes  during which I  by this time in perfect
possession of my wits  observed all the female Brocklehursts produce
their pocket handkerchiefs and apply them to their optics  while the
elderly lady swayed herself to and fro  and the two younger ones
whispered   How shocking    Mr  Brocklehurst resumed 

 This I learned from her benefactress  from the pious and charitable lady
who adopted her in her orphan state  reared her as her own daughter  and
whose kindness  whose generosity the unhappy girl repaid by an
ingratitude so bad  so dreadful  that at last her excellent patroness was
obliged to separate her from her own young ones  fearful lest her vicious
example should contaminate their purity  she has sent her here to be
healed  even as the Jews of old sent their diseased to the troubled pool
of Bethesda  and  teachers  superintendent  I beg of you not to allow the
waters to stagnate round her  

With this sublime conclusion  Mr  Brocklehurst adjusted the top button of
his surtout  muttered something to his family  who rose  bowed to Miss
Temple  and then all the great people sailed in state from the room 
Turning at the door  my judge said  

 Let her stand half an hour longer on that stool  and let no one speak to
her during the remainder of the day  

There was I  then  mounted aloft  I  who had said I could not bear the
shame of standing on my natural feet in the middle of the room  was now
exposed to general view on a pedestal of infamy   What my sensations were
no language can describe  but just as they all rose  stifling my breath
and constricting my throat  a girl came up and passed me  in passing  she
lifted her eyes   What a strange light inspired them   What an
extraordinary sensation that ray sent through me   How the new feeling
bore me up   It was as if a martyr  a hero  had passed a slave or victim 
and imparted strength in the transit   I mastered the rising hysteria 
lifted up my head  and took a firm stand on the stool   Helen Burns asked
some slight question about her work of Miss Smith  was chidden for the
triviality of the inquiry  returned to her place  and smiled at me as she
again went by   What a smile   I remember it now  and I know that it was
the effluence of fine intellect  of true courage  it lit up her marked
lineaments  her thin face  her sunken grey eye  like a reflection from
the aspect of an angel   Yet at that moment Helen Burns wore on her arm
 the untidy badge   scarcely an hour ago I had heard her condemned by
Miss Scatcherd to a dinner of bread and water on the morrow because she
had blotted an exercise in copying it out   Such is the imperfect nature
of man  such spots are there on the disc of the clearest planet  and eyes
like Miss Scatcherd s can only see those minute defects  and are blind to
the full brightness of the orb 




CHAPTER VIII


Ere the half hour ended  five o clock struck  school was dismissed  and
all were gone into the refectory to tea   I now ventured to descend  it
was deep dusk  I retired into a corner and sat down on the floor   The
spell by which I had been so far supported began to dissolve  reaction
took place  and soon  so overwhelming was the grief that seized me  I
sank prostrate with my face to the ground   Now I wept  Helen Burns was
not here  nothing sustained me  left to myself I abandoned myself  and my
tears watered the boards   I had meant to be so good  and to do so much
at Lowood  to make so many friends  to earn respect and win affection 
Already I had made visible progress  that very morning I had reached the
head of my class  Miss Miller had praised me warmly  Miss Temple had
smiled approbation  she had promised to teach me drawing  and to let me
learn French  if I continued to make similar improvement two months
longer  and then I was well received by my fellow pupils  treated as an
equal by those of my own age  and not molested by any  now  here I lay
again crushed and trodden on  and could I ever rise more 

 Never   I thought  and ardently I wished to die   While sobbing out this
wish in broken accents  some one approached  I started up  again Helen
Burns was near me  the fading fires just showed her coming up the long 
vacant room  she brought my coffee and bread 

 Come  eat something   she said  but I put both away from me  feeling as
if a drop or a crumb would have choked me in my present condition   Helen
regarded me  probably with surprise  I could not now abate my agitation 
though I tried hard  I continued to weep aloud   She sat down on the
ground near me  embraced her knees with her arms  and rested her head
upon them  in that attitude she remained silent as an Indian   I was the
first who spoke  

 Helen  why do you stay with a girl whom everybody believes to be a
liar  

 Everybody  Jane   Why  there are only eighty people who have heard you
called so  and the world contains hundreds of millions  

 But what have I to do with millions   The eighty  I know  despise me  

 Jane  you are mistaken  probably not one in the school either despises
or dislikes you  many  I am sure  pity you much  

 How can they pity me after what Mr  Brocklehurst has said  

 Mr  Brocklehurst is not a god  nor is he even a great and admired man 
he is little liked here  he never took steps to make himself liked   Had
he treated you as an especial favourite  you would have found enemies 
declared or covert  all around you  as it is  the greater number would
offer you sympathy if they dared   Teachers and pupils may look coldly on
you for a day or two  but friendly feelings are concealed in their
hearts  and if you persevere in doing well  these feelings will ere long
appear so much the more evidently for their temporary suppression 
Besides  Jane   she paused 

 Well  Helen   said I  putting my hand into hers  she chafed my fingers
gently to warm them  and went on  

 If all the world hated you  and believed you wicked  while your own
conscience approved you  and absolved you from guilt  you would not be
without friends  

 No  I know I should think well of myself  but that is not enough  if
others don t love me I would rather die than live  I cannot bear to be
solitary and hated  Helen   Look here  to gain some real affection from
you  or Miss Temple  or any other whom I truly love  I would willingly
submit to have the bone of my arm broken  or to let a bull toss me  or to
stand behind a kicking horse  and let it dash its hoof at my chest   

 Hush  Jane  you think too much of the love of human beings  you are too
impulsive  too vehement  the sovereign hand that created your frame  and
put life into it  has provided you with other resources than your feeble
self  or than creatures feeble as you   Besides this earth  and besides
the race of men  there is an invisible world and a kingdom of spirits 
that world is round us  for it is everywhere  and those spirits watch us 
for they are commissioned to guard us  and if we were dying in pain and
shame  if scorn smote us on all sides  and hatred crushed us  angels see
our tortures  recognise our innocence  if innocent we be  as I know you
are of this charge which Mr  Brocklehurst has weakly and pompously
repeated at second hand from Mrs  Reed  for I read a sincere nature in
your ardent eyes and on your clear front   and God waits only the
separation of spirit from flesh to crown us with a full reward   Why 
then  should we ever sink overwhelmed with distress  when life is so soon
over  and death is so certain an entrance to happiness  to glory  

I was silent  Helen had calmed me  but in the tranquillity she imparted
there was an alloy of inexpressible sadness   I felt the impression of
woe as she spoke  but I could not tell whence it came  and when  having
done speaking  she breathed a little fast and coughed a short cough  I
momentarily forgot my own sorrows to yield to a vague concern for her 

Resting my head on Helen s shoulder  I put my arms round her waist  she
drew me to her  and we reposed in silence   We had not sat long thus 
when another person came in   Some heavy clouds  swept from the sky by a
rising wind  had left the moon bare  and her light  streaming in through
a window near  shone full both on us and on the approaching figure  which
we at once recognised as Miss Temple 

 I came on purpose to find you  Jane Eyre   said she   I want you in my
room  and as Helen Burns is with you  she may come too  

We went  following the superintendent s guidance  we had to thread some
intricate passages  and mount a staircase before we reached her
apartment  it contained a good fire  and looked cheerful   Miss Temple
told Helen Burns to be seated in a low arm chair on one side of the
hearth  and herself taking another  she called me to her side 

 Is it all over   she asked  looking down at my face    Have you cried
your grief away  

 I am afraid I never shall do that  

 Why  

 Because I have been wrongly accused  and you  ma am  and everybody else 
will now think me wicked  

 We shall think you what you prove yourself to be  my child   Continue to
act as a good girl  and you will satisfy us  

 Shall I  Miss Temple  

 You will   said she  passing her arm round me    And now tell me who is
the lady whom Mr  Brocklehurst called your benefactress  

 Mrs  Reed  my uncle s wife   My uncle is dead  and he left me to her
care  

 Did she not  then  adopt you of her own accord  

 No  ma am  she was sorry to have to do it  but my uncle  as I have often
heard the servants say  got her to promise before he died that she would
always keep me  

 Well now  Jane  you know  or at least I will tell you  that when a
criminal is accused  he is always allowed to speak in his own defence 
You have been charged with falsehood  defend yourself to me as well as
you can   Say whatever your memory suggests is true  but add nothing and
exaggerate nothing  

I resolved  in the depth of my heart  that I would be most moderate  most
correct  and  having reflected a few minutes in order to arrange
coherently what I had to say  I told her all the story of my sad
childhood   Exhausted by emotion  my language was more subdued than it
generally was when it developed that sad theme  and mindful of Helen s
warnings against the indulgence of resentment  I infused into the
narrative far less of gall and wormwood than ordinary   Thus restrained
and simplified  it sounded more credible  I felt as I went on that Miss
Temple fully believed me 

In the course of the tale I had mentioned Mr  Lloyd as having come to see
me after the fit  for I never forgot the  to me  frightful episode of the
red room  in detailing which  my excitement was sure  in some degree  to
break bounds  for nothing could soften in my recollection the spasm of
agony which clutched my heart when Mrs  Reed spurned my wild supplication
for pardon  and locked me a second time in the dark and haunted chamber 

I had finished  Miss Temple regarded me a few minutes in silence  she
then said  

 I know something of Mr  Lloyd  I shall write to him  if his reply agrees
with your statement  you shall be publicly cleared from every imputation 
to me  Jane  you are clear now  

She kissed me  and still keeping me at her side  where I was well
contented to stand  for I derived a child s pleasure from the
contemplation of her face  her dress  her one or two ornaments  her white
forehead  her clustered and shining curls  and beaming dark eyes   she
proceeded to address Helen Burns 

 How are you to night  Helen   Have you coughed much to day  

 Not quite so much  I think  ma am  

 And the pain in your chest  

 It is a little better  

Miss Temple got up  took her hand and examined her pulse  then she
returned to her own seat  as she resumed it  I heard her sigh low   She
was pensive a few minutes  then rousing herself  she said cheerfully  

 But you two are my visitors to night  I must treat you as such    She
rang her bell 

 Barbara   she said to the servant who answered it   I have not yet had
tea  bring the tray and place cups for these two young ladies  

And a tray was soon brought   How pretty  to my eyes  did the china cups
and bright teapot look  placed on the little round table near the fire 
How fragrant was the steam of the beverage  and the scent of the toast 
of which  however  I  to my dismay  for I was beginning to be hungry 
discerned only a very small portion  Miss Temple discerned it too 

 Barbara   said she   can you not bring a little more bread and butter 
There is not enough for three  

Barbara went out  she returned soon  

 Madam  Mrs  Harden says she has sent up the usual quantity  

Mrs  Harden  be it observed  was the housekeeper  a woman after Mr 
Brocklehurst s own heart  made up of equal parts of whalebone and iron 

 Oh  very well   returned Miss Temple   we must make it do  Barbara  I
suppose    And as the girl withdrew she added  smiling   Fortunately  I
have it in my power to supply deficiencies for this once  

Having invited Helen and me to approach the table  and placed before each
of us a cup of tea with one delicious but thin morsel of toast  she got
up  unlocked a drawer  and taking from it a parcel wrapped in paper 
disclosed presently to our eyes a good sized seed cake 

 I meant to give each of you some of this to take with you   said she 
 but as there is so little toast  you must have it now   and she
proceeded to cut slices with a generous hand 

We feasted that evening as on nectar and ambrosia  and not the least
delight of the entertainment was the smile of gratification with which
our hostess regarded us  as we satisfied our famished appetites on the
delicate fare she liberally supplied 

Tea over and the tray removed  she again summoned us to the fire  we sat
one on each side of her  and now a conversation followed between her and
Helen  which it was indeed a privilege to be admitted to hear 

Miss Temple had always something of serenity in her air  of state in her
mien  of refined propriety in her language  which precluded deviation
into the ardent  the excited  the eager  something which chastened the
pleasure of those who looked on her and listened to her  by a controlling
sense of awe  and such was my feeling now  but as to Helen Burns  I was
struck with wonder 

The refreshing meal  the brilliant fire  the presence and kindness of her
beloved instructress  or  perhaps  more than all these  something in her
own unique mind  had roused her powers within her   They woke  they
kindled  first  they glowed in the bright tint of her cheek  which till
this hour I had never seen but pale and bloodless  then they shone in the
liquid lustre of her eyes  which had suddenly acquired a beauty more
singular than that of Miss Temple s  a beauty neither of fine colour nor
long eyelash  nor pencilled brow  but of meaning  of movement  of
radiance   Then her soul sat on her lips  and language flowed  from what
source I cannot tell   Has a girl of fourteen a heart large enough 
vigorous enough  to hold the swelling spring of pure  full  fervid
eloquence   Such was the characteristic of Helen s discourse on that  to
me  memorable evening  her spirit seemed hastening to live within a very
brief span as much as many live during a protracted existence 

They conversed of things I had never heard of  of nations and times past 
of countries far away  of secrets of nature discovered or guessed at 
they spoke of books  how many they had read   What stores of knowledge
they possessed   Then they seemed so familiar with French names and
French authors  but my amazement reached its climax when Miss Temple
asked Helen if she sometimes snatched a moment to recall the Latin her
father had taught her  and taking a book from a shelf  bade her read and
construe a page of Virgil  and Helen obeyed  my organ of veneration
expanding at every sounding line   She had scarcely finished ere the bell
announced bedtime  no delay could be admitted  Miss Temple embraced us
both  saying  as she drew us to her heart  

 God bless you  my children  

Helen she held a little longer than me  she let her go more reluctantly 
it was Helen her eye followed to the door  it was for her she a second
time breathed a sad sigh  for her she wiped a tear from her cheek 

On reaching the bedroom  we heard the voice of Miss Scatcherd  she was
examining drawers  she had just pulled out Helen Burns s  and when we
entered Helen was greeted with a sharp reprimand  and told that to morrow
she should have half a dozen of untidily folded articles pinned to her
shoulder 

 My things were indeed in shameful disorder   murmured Helen to me  in a
low voice   I intended to have arranged them  but I forgot  

Next morning  Miss Scatcherd wrote in conspicuous characters on a piece
of pasteboard the word  Slattern   and bound it like a phylactery round
Helen s large  mild  intelligent  and benign looking forehead   She wore
it till evening  patient  unresentful  regarding it as a deserved
punishment   The moment Miss Scatcherd withdrew after afternoon school  I
ran to Helen  tore it off  and thrust it into the fire  the fury of which
she was incapable had been burning in my soul all day  and tears  hot and
large  had continually been scalding my cheek  for the spectacle of her
sad resignation gave me an intolerable pain at the heart 

About a week subsequently to the incidents above narrated  Miss Temple 
who had written to Mr  Lloyd  received his answer  it appeared that what
he said went to corroborate my account   Miss Temple  having assembled
the whole school  announced that inquiry had been made into the charges
alleged against Jane Eyre  and that she was most happy to be able to
pronounce her completely cleared from every imputation   The teachers
then shook hands with me and kissed me  and a murmur of pleasure ran
through the ranks of my companions 

Thus relieved of a grievous load  I from that hour set to work afresh 
resolved to pioneer my way through every difficulty  I toiled hard  and
my success was proportionate to my efforts  my memory  not naturally
tenacious  improved with practice  exercise sharpened my wits  in a few
weeks I was promoted to a higher class  in less than two months I was
allowed to commence French and drawing   I learned the first two tenses
of the verb  Etre   and sketched my first cottage  whose walls  by the 
bye  outrivalled in slope those of the leaning tower of Pisa   on the
same day   That night  on going to bed  I forgot to prepare in
imagination the Barmecide supper of hot roast potatoes  or white bread
and new milk  with which I was wont to amuse my inward cravings  I
feasted instead on the spectacle of ideal drawings  which I saw in the
dark  all the work of my own hands  freely pencilled houses and trees 
picturesque rocks and ruins  Cuyp like groups of cattle  sweet paintings
of butterflies hovering over unblown roses  of birds picking at ripe
cherries  of wren s nests enclosing pearl like eggs  wreathed about with
young ivy sprays   I examined  too  in thought  the possibility of my
ever being able to translate currently a certain little French story
which Madame Pierrot had that day shown me  nor was that problem solved
to my satisfaction ere I fell sweetly asleep 

Well has Solomon said   Better is a dinner of herbs where love is  than a
stalled ox and hatred therewith  

I would not now have exchanged Lowood with all its privations for
Gateshead and its daily luxuries 




CHAPTER IX


But the privations  or rather the hardships  of Lowood lessened   Spring
drew on  she was indeed already come  the frosts of winter had ceased 
its snows were melted  its cutting winds ameliorated   My wretched feet 
flayed and swollen to lameness by the sharp air of January  began to heal
and subside under the gentler breathings of April  the nights and
mornings no longer by their Canadian temperature froze the very blood in
our veins  we could now endure the play hour passed in the garden 
sometimes on a sunny day it began even to be pleasant and genial  and a
greenness grew over those brown beds  which  freshening daily  suggested
the thought that Hope traversed them at night  and left each morning
brighter traces of her steps   Flowers peeped out amongst the leaves 
snow drops  crocuses  purple auriculas  and golden eyed pansies   On
Thursday afternoons  half holidays  we now took walks  and found still
sweeter flowers opening by the wayside  under the hedges 

I discovered  too  that a great pleasure  an enjoyment which the horizon
only bounded  lay all outside the high and spike guarded walls of our
garden  this pleasure consisted in prospect of noble summits girdling a
great hill hollow  rich in verdure and shadow  in a bright beck  full of
dark stones and sparkling eddies   How different had this scene looked
when I viewed it laid out beneath the iron sky of winter  stiffened in
frost  shrouded with snow   when mists as chill as death wandered to the
impulse of east winds along those purple peaks  and rolled down  ing  and
holm till they blended with the frozen fog of the beck   That beck itself
was then a torrent  turbid and curbless  it tore asunder the wood  and
sent a raving sound through the air  often thickened with wild rain or
whirling sleet  and for the forest on its banks   that  showed only ranks
of skeletons 

April advanced to May  a bright serene May it was  days of blue sky 
placid sunshine  and soft western or southern gales filled up its
duration   And now vegetation matured with vigour  Lowood shook loose its
tresses  it became all green  all flowery  its great elm  ash  and oak
skeletons were restored to majestic life  woodland plants sprang up
profusely in its recesses  unnumbered varieties of moss filled its
hollows  and it made a strange ground sunshine out of the wealth of its
wild primrose plants  I have seen their pale gold gleam in overshadowed
spots like scatterings of the sweetest lustre   All this I enjoyed often
and fully  free  unwatched  and almost alone  for this unwonted liberty
and pleasure there was a cause  to which it now becomes my task to
advert 

Have I not described a pleasant site for a dwelling  when I speak of it
as bosomed in hill and wood  and rising from the verge of a stream 
Assuredly  pleasant enough  but whether healthy or not is another
question 

That forest dell  where Lowood lay  was the cradle of fog and fog bred
pestilence  which  quickening with the quickening spring  crept into the
Orphan Asylum  breathed typhus through its crowded schoolroom and
dormitory  and  ere May arrived  transformed the seminary into an
hospital 

Semi starvation and neglected colds had predisposed most of the pupils to
receive infection  forty five out of the eighty girls lay ill at one
time   Classes were broken up  rules relaxed   The few who continued well
were allowed almost unlimited license  because the medical attendant
insisted on the necessity of frequent exercise to keep them in health 
and had it been otherwise  no one had leisure to watch or restrain them 
Miss Temple s whole attention was absorbed by the patients  she lived in
the sick room  never quitting it except to snatch a few hours  rest at
night   The teachers were fully occupied with packing up and making other
necessary preparations for the departure of those girls who were
fortunate enough to have friends and relations able and willing to remove
them from the seat of contagion   Many  already smitten  went home only
to die  some died at the school  and were buried quietly and quickly  the
nature of the malady forbidding delay 

While disease had thus become an inhabitant of Lowood  and death its
frequent visitor  while there was gloom and fear within its walls  while
its rooms and passages steamed with hospital smells  the drug and the
pastille striving vainly to overcome the effluvia of mortality  that
bright May shone unclouded over the bold hills and beautiful woodland out
of doors   Its garden  too  glowed with flowers  hollyhocks had sprung up
tall as trees  lilies had opened  tulips and roses were in bloom  the
borders of the little beds were gay with pink thrift and crimson double
daisies  the sweetbriars gave out  morning and evening  their scent of
spice and apples  and these fragrant treasures were all useless for most
of the inmates of Lowood  except to furnish now and then a handful of
herbs and blossoms to put in a coffin 

But I  and the rest who continued well  enjoyed fully the beauties of the
scene and season  they let us ramble in the wood  like gipsies  from
morning till night  we did what we liked  went where we liked  we lived
better too   Mr  Brocklehurst and his family never came near Lowood now 
household matters were not scrutinised into  the cross housekeeper was
gone  driven away by the fear of infection  her successor  who had been
matron at the Lowton Dispensary  unused to the ways of her new abode 
provided with comparative liberality   Besides  there were fewer to feed 
the sick could eat little  our breakfast basins were better filled  when
there was no time to prepare a regular dinner  which often happened  she
would give us a large piece of cold pie  or a thick slice of bread and
cheese  and this we carried away with us to the wood  where we each chose
the spot we liked best  and dined sumptuously 

My favourite seat was a smooth and broad stone  rising white and dry from
the very middle of the beck  and only to be got at by wading through the
water  a feat I accomplished barefoot   The stone was just broad enough
to accommodate  comfortably  another girl and me  at that time my chosen
comrade  one Mary Ann Wilson  a shrewd  observant personage  whose
society I took pleasure in  partly because she was witty and original 
and partly because she had a manner which set me at my ease   Some years
older than I  she knew more of the world  and could tell me many things I
liked to hear  with her my curiosity found gratification  to my faults
also she gave ample indulgence  never imposing curb or rein on anything I
said   She had a turn for narrative  I for analysis  she liked to inform 
I to question  so we got on swimmingly together  deriving much
entertainment  if not much improvement  from our mutual intercourse 

And where  meantime  was Helen Burns   Why did I not spend these sweet
days of liberty with her   Had I forgotten her  or was I so worthless as
to have grown tired of her pure society   Surely the Mary Ann Wilson I
have mentioned was inferior to my first acquaintance  she could only tell
me amusing stories  and reciprocate any racy and pungent gossip I chose
to indulge in  while  if I have spoken truth of Helen  she was qualified
to give those who enjoyed the privilege of her converse a taste of far
higher things 

True  reader  and I knew and felt this  and though I am a defective
being  with many faults and few redeeming points  yet I never tired of
Helen Burns  nor ever ceased to cherish for her a sentiment of
attachment  as strong  tender  and respectful as any that ever animated
my heart   How could it be otherwise  when Helen  at all times and under
all circumstances  evinced for me a quiet and faithful friendship  which
ill humour never soured  nor irritation never troubled   But Helen was
ill at present  for some weeks she had been removed from my sight to I
knew not what room upstairs   She was not  I was told  in the hospital
portion of the house with the fever patients  for her complaint was
consumption  not typhus  and by consumption I  in my ignorance 
understood something mild  which time and care would be sure to
alleviate 

I was confirmed in this idea by the fact of her once or twice coming
downstairs on very warm sunny afternoons  and being taken by Miss Temple
into the garden  but  on these occasions  I was not allowed to go and
speak to her  I only saw her from the schoolroom window  and then not
distinctly  for she was much wrapped up  and sat at a distance under the
verandah 

One evening  in the beginning of June  I had stayed out very late with
Mary Ann in the wood  we had  as usual  separated ourselves from the
others  and had wandered far  so far that we lost our way  and had to ask
it at a lonely cottage  where a man and woman lived  who looked after a
herd of half wild swine that fed on the mast in the wood   When we got
back  it was after moonrise  a pony  which we knew to be the surgeon s 
was standing at the garden door   Mary Ann remarked that she supposed
some one must be very ill  as Mr  Bates had been sent for at that time of
the evening   She went into the house  I stayed behind a few minutes to
plant in my garden a handful of roots I had dug up in the forest  and
which I feared would wither if I left them till the morning   This done 
I lingered yet a little longer  the flowers smelt so sweet as the dew
fell  it was such a pleasant evening  so serene  so warm  the still
glowing west promised so fairly another fine day on the morrow  the moon
rose with such majesty in the grave east   I was noting these things and
enjoying them as a child might  when it entered my mind as it had never
done before   

 How sad to be lying now on a sick bed  and to be in danger of dying 
This world is pleasant  it would be dreary to be called from it  and to
have to go who knows where  

And then my mind made its first earnest effort to comprehend what had
been infused into it concerning heaven and hell  and for the first time
it recoiled  baffled  and for the first time glancing behind  on each
side  and before it  it saw all round an unfathomed gulf  it felt the one
point where it stood  the present  all the rest was formless cloud and
vacant depth  and it shuddered at the thought of tottering  and plunging
amid that chaos   While pondering this new idea  I heard the front door
open  Mr  Bates came out  and with him was a nurse   After she had seen
him mount his horse and depart  she was about to close the door  but I
ran up to her 

 How is Helen Burns  

 Very poorly   was the answer 

 Is it her Mr  Bates has been to see  

 Yes  

 And what does he say about her  

 He says she ll not be here long  

This phrase  uttered in my hearing yesterday  would have only conveyed
the notion that she was about to be removed to Northumberland  to her own
home   I should not have suspected that it meant she was dying  but I
knew instantly now   It opened clear on my comprehension that Helen Burns
was numbering her last days in this world  and that she was going to be
taken to the region of spirits  if such region there were   I experienced
a shock of horror  then a strong thrill of grief  then a desire  a
necessity to see her  and I asked in what room she lay 

 She is in Miss Temple s room   said the nurse 

 May I go up and speak to her  

 Oh no  child   It is not likely  and now it is time for you to come in 
you ll catch the fever if you stop out when the dew is falling  

The nurse closed the front door  I went in by the side entrance which led
to the schoolroom  I was just in time  it was nine o clock  and Miss
Miller was calling the pupils to go to bed 

It might be two hours later  probably near eleven  when I  not having
been able to fall asleep  and deeming  from the perfect silence of the
dormitory  that my companions were all wrapt in profound repose  rose
softly  put on my frock over my night dress  and  without shoes  crept
from the apartment  and set off in quest of Miss Temple s room   It was
quite at the other end of the house  but I knew my way  and the light of
the unclouded summer moon  entering here and there at passage windows 
enabled me to find it without difficulty   An odour of camphor and burnt
vinegar warned me when I came near the fever room  and I passed its door
quickly  fearful lest the nurse who sat up all night should hear me   I
dreaded being discovered and sent back  for I  must  see Helen   I must
embrace her before she died   I must give her one last kiss  exchange
with her one last word 

Having descended a staircase  traversed a portion of the house below  and
succeeded in opening and shutting  without noise  two doors  I reached
another flight of steps  these I mounted  and then just opposite to me
was Miss Temple s room   A light shone through the keyhole and from under
the door  a profound stillness pervaded the vicinity   Coming near  I
found the door slightly ajar  probably to admit some fresh air into the
close abode of sickness   Indisposed to hesitate  and full of impatient
impulses  soul and senses quivering with keen throes  I put it back and
looked in   My eye sought Helen  and feared to find death 

Close by Miss Temple s bed  and half covered with its white curtains 
there stood a little crib   I saw the outline of a form under the
clothes  but the face was hid by the hangings  the nurse I had spoken to
in the garden sat in an easy chair asleep  an unsnuffed candle burnt
dimly on the table   Miss Temple was not to be seen  I knew afterwards
that she had been called to a delirious patient in the fever room   I
advanced  then paused by the crib side  my hand was on the curtain  but I
preferred speaking before I withdrew it   I still recoiled at the dread
of seeing a corpse 

 Helen   I whispered softly   are you awake  

She stirred herself  put back the curtain  and I saw her face  pale 
wasted  but quite composed  she looked so little changed that my fear was
instantly dissipated 

 Can it be you  Jane   she asked  in her own gentle voice 

 Oh   I thought   she is not going to die  they are mistaken  she could
not speak and look so calmly if she were  

I got on to her crib and kissed her  her forehead was cold  and her cheek
both cold and thin  and so were her hand and wrist  but she smiled as of
old 

 Why are you come here  Jane   It is past eleven o clock  I heard it
strike some minutes since  

 I came to see you  Helen  I heard you were very ill  and I could not
sleep till I had spoken to you  

 You came to bid me good bye  then  you are just in time probably  

 Are you going somewhere  Helen   Are you going home  

 Yes  to my long home  my last home  

 No  no  Helen    I stopped  distressed   While I tried to devour my
tears  a fit of coughing seized Helen  it did not  however  wake the
nurse  when it was over  she lay some minutes exhausted  then she
whispered  

 Jane  your little feet are bare  lie down and cover yourself with my
quilt  

I did so  she put her arm over me  and I nestled close to her   After a
long silence  she resumed  still whispering  

 I am very happy  Jane  and when you hear that I am dead  you must be
sure and not grieve  there is nothing to grieve about   We all must die
one day  and the illness which is removing me is not painful  it is
gentle and gradual  my mind is at rest   I leave no one to regret me
much  I have only a father  and he is lately married  and will not miss
me   By dying young  I shall escape great sufferings   I had not
qualities or talents to make my way very well in the world  I should have
been continually at fault  

 But where are you going to  Helen   Can you see   Do you know  

 I believe  I have faith  I am going to God  

 Where is God   What is God  

 My Maker and yours  who will never destroy what He created   I rely
implicitly on His power  and confide wholly in His goodness  I count the
hours till that eventful one arrives which shall restore me to Him 
reveal Him to me  

 You are sure  then  Helen  that there is such a place as heaven  and
that our souls can get to it when we die  

 I am sure there is a future state  I believe God is good  I can resign
my immortal part to Him without any misgiving   God is my father  God is
my friend  I love Him  I believe He loves me  

 And shall I see you again  Helen  when I die  

 You will come to the same region of happiness  be received by the same
mighty  universal Parent  no doubt  dear Jane  

Again I questioned  but this time only in thought    Where is that
region   Does it exist    And I clasped my arms closer round Helen  she
seemed dearer to me than ever  I felt as if I could not let her go  I lay
with my face hidden on her neck   Presently she said  in the sweetest
tone  

 How comfortable I am   That last fit of coughing has tired me a little 
I feel as if I could sleep  but don t leave me  Jane  I like to have you
near me  

 I ll stay with you   dear  Helen  no one shall take me away  

 Are you warm  darling  

 Yes  

 Good night  Jane  

 Good night  Helen  

She kissed me  and I her  and we both soon slumbered 

When I awoke it was day  an unusual movement roused me  I looked up  I
was in somebody s arms  the nurse held me  she was carrying me through
the passage back to the dormitory   I was not reprimanded for leaving my
bed  people had something else to think about  no explanation was
afforded then to my many questions  but a day or two afterwards I learned
that Miss Temple  on returning to her own room at dawn  had found me laid
in the little crib  my face against Helen Burns s shoulder  my arms round
her neck   I was asleep  and Helen was  dead 

Her grave is in Brocklebridge churchyard  for fifteen years after her
death it was only covered by a grassy mound  but now a grey marble tablet
marks the spot  inscribed with her name  and the word  Resurgam  




CHAPTER X


Hitherto I have recorded in detail the events of my insignificant
existence  to the first ten years of my life I have given almost as many
chapters   But this is not to be a regular autobiography   I am only
bound to invoke Memory where I know her responses will possess some
degree of interest  therefore I now pass a space of eight years almost in
silence  a few lines only are necessary to keep up the links of
connection 

When the typhus fever had fulfilled its mission of devastation at Lowood 
it gradually disappeared from thence  but not till its virulence and the
number of its victims had drawn public attention on the school   Inquiry
was made into the origin of the scourge  and by degrees various facts
came out which excited public indignation in a high degree   The
unhealthy nature of the site  the quantity and quality of the children s
food  the brackish  fetid water used in its preparation  the pupils 
wretched clothing and accommodations  all these things were discovered 
and the discovery produced a result mortifying to Mr  Brocklehurst  but
beneficial to the institution 

Several wealthy and benevolent individuals in the county subscribed
largely for the erection of a more convenient building in a better
situation  new regulations were made  improvements in diet and clothing
introduced  the funds of the school were intrusted to the management of a
committee   Mr  Brocklehurst  who  from his wealth and family
connections  could not be overlooked  still retained the post of
treasurer  but he was aided in the discharge of his duties by gentlemen
of rather more enlarged and sympathising minds  his office of inspector 
too  was shared by those who knew how to combine reason with strictness 
comfort with economy  compassion with uprightness   The school  thus
improved  became in time a truly useful and noble institution   I
remained an inmate of its walls  after its regeneration  for eight years 
six as pupil  and two as teacher  and in both capacities I bear my
testimony to its value and importance 

During these eight years my life was uniform  but not unhappy  because it
was not inactive   I had the means of an excellent education placed
within my reach  a fondness for some of my studies  and a desire to excel
in all  together with a great delight in pleasing my teachers  especially
such as I loved  urged me on  I availed myself fully of the advantages
offered me   In time I rose to be the first girl of the first class  then
I was invested with the office of teacher  which I discharged with zeal
for two years  but at the end of that time I altered 

Miss Temple  through all changes  had thus far continued superintendent
of the seminary  to her instruction I owed the best part of my
acquirements  her friendship and society had been my continual solace 
she had stood me in the stead of mother  governess  and  latterly 
companion   At this period she married  removed with her husband  a
clergyman  an excellent man  almost worthy of such a wife  to a distant
county  and consequently was lost to me 

From the day she left I was no longer the same  with her was gone every
settled feeling  every association that had made Lowood in some degree a
home to me   I had imbibed from her something of her nature and much of
her habits  more harmonious thoughts  what seemed better regulated
feelings had become the inmates of my mind   I had given in allegiance to
duty and order  I was quiet  I believed I was content  to the eyes of
others  usually even to my own  I appeared a disciplined and subdued
character 

But destiny  in the shape of the Rev  Mr  Nasmyth  came between me and
Miss Temple  I saw her in her travelling dress step into a post chaise 
shortly after the marriage ceremony  I watched the chaise mount the hill
and disappear beyond its brow  and then retired to my own room  and there
spent in solitude the greatest part of the half holiday granted in honour
of the occasion 

I walked about the chamber most of the time   I imagined myself only to
be regretting my loss  and thinking how to repair it  but when my
reflections were concluded  and I looked up and found that the afternoon
was gone  and evening far advanced  another discovery dawned on me 
namely  that in the interval I had undergone a transforming process  that
my mind had put off all it had borrowed of Miss Temple  or rather that
she had taken with her the serene atmosphere I had been breathing in her
vicinity  and that now I was left in my natural element  and beginning to
feel the stirring of old emotions   It did not seem as if a prop were
withdrawn  but rather as if a motive were gone  it was not the power to
be tranquil which had failed me  but the reason for tranquillity was no
more   My world had for some years been in Lowood  my experience had been
of its rules and systems  now I remembered that the real world was wide 
and that a varied field of hopes and fears  of sensations and
excitements  awaited those who had courage to go forth into its expanse 
to seek real knowledge of life amidst its perils 

I went to my window  opened it  and looked out   There were the two wings
of the building  there was the garden  there were the skirts of Lowood 
there was the hilly horizon   My eye passed all other objects to rest on
those most remote  the blue peaks  it was those I longed to surmount  all
within their boundary of rock and heath seemed prison ground  exile
limits   I traced the white road winding round the base of one mountain 
and vanishing in a gorge between two  how I longed to follow it farther 
I recalled the time when I had travelled that very road in a coach  I
remembered descending that hill at twilight  an age seemed to have
elapsed since the day which brought me first to Lowood  and I had never
quitted it since   My vacations had all been spent at school  Mrs  Reed
had never sent for me to Gateshead  neither she nor any of her family had
ever been to visit me   I had had no communication by letter or message
with the outer world  school rules  school duties  school habits and
notions  and voices  and faces  and phrases  and costumes  and
preferences  and antipathies  such was what I knew of existence   And now
I felt that it was not enough  I tired of the routine of eight years in
one afternoon   I desired liberty  for liberty I gasped  for liberty I
uttered a prayer  it seemed scattered on the wind then faintly blowing   I
abandoned it and framed a humbler supplication  for change  stimulus 
that petition  too  seemed swept off into vague space   Then   I cried 
half desperate   grant me at least a new servitude  

Here a bell  ringing the hour of supper  called me downstairs 

I was not free to resume the interrupted chain of my reflections till
bedtime  even then a teacher who occupied the same room with me kept me
from the subject to which I longed to recur  by a prolonged effusion of
small talk   How I wished sleep would silence her   It seemed as if 
could I but go back to the idea which had last entered my mind as I stood
at the window  some inventive suggestion would rise for my relief 

Miss Gryce snored at last  she was a heavy Welshwoman  and till now her
habitual nasal strains had never been regarded by me in any other light
than as a nuisance  to night I hailed the first deep notes with
satisfaction  I was debarrassed of interruption  my half effaced thought
instantly revived 

 A new servitude   There is something in that   I soliloquised  mentally 
be it understood  I did not talk aloud    I know there is  because it
does not sound too sweet  it is not like such words as Liberty 
Excitement  Enjoyment  delightful sounds truly  but no more than sounds
for me  and so hollow and fleeting that it is mere waste of time to
listen to them   But Servitude   That must be matter of fact   Any one
may serve  I have served here eight years  now all I want is to serve
elsewhere   Can I not get so much of my own will   Is not the thing
feasible   Yes  yes  the end is not so difficult  if I had only a brain
active enough to ferret out the means of attaining it  

I sat up in bed by way of arousing this said brain  it was a chilly
night  I covered my shoulders with a shawl  and then I proceeded  to
think  again with all my might 

 What do I want   A new place  in a new house  amongst new faces  under
new circumstances  I want this because it is of no use wanting anything
better   How do people do to get a new place   They apply to friends  I
suppose  I have no friends   There are many others who have no friends 
who must look about for themselves and be their own helpers  and what is
their resource  

I could not tell  nothing answered me  I then ordered my brain to find a
response  and quickly   It worked and worked faster  I felt the pulses
throb in my head and temples  but for nearly an hour it worked in chaos 
and no result came of its efforts   Feverish with vain labour  I got up
and took a turn in the room  undrew the curtain  noted a star or two 
shivered with cold  and again crept to bed 

A kind fairy  in my absence  had surely dropped the required suggestion
on my pillow  for as I lay down  it came quietly and naturally to my
mind    Those who want situations advertise  you must advertise in the
    shire Herald   

 How   I know nothing about advertising  

Replies rose smooth and prompt now   

 You must enclose the advertisement and the money to pay for it under a
cover directed to the editor of the  Herald   you must put it  the first
opportunity you have  into the post at Lowton  answers must be addressed
to J E   at the post office there  you can go and inquire in about a week
after you send your letter  if any are come  and act accordingly  

This scheme I went over twice  thrice  it was then digested in my mind  I
had it in a clear practical form  I felt satisfied  and fell asleep 

With earliest day  I was up  I had my advertisement written  enclosed 
and directed before the bell rang to rouse the school  it ran thus   

 A young lady accustomed to tuition   had I not been a teacher two
years    is desirous of meeting with a situation in a private family
where the children are under fourteen  I thought that as I was barely
eighteen  it would not do to undertake the guidance of pupils nearer my
own age    She is qualified to teach the usual branches of a good English
education  together with French  Drawing  and Music   in those days 
reader  this now narrow catalogue of accomplishments  would have been
held tolerably comprehensive     Address  J E   Post office  Lowton     
shire  

This document remained locked in my drawer all day  after tea  I asked
leave of the new superintendent to go to Lowton  in order to perform some
small commissions for myself and one or two of my fellow teachers 
permission was readily granted  I went   It was a walk of two miles  and
the evening was wet  but the days were still long  I visited a shop or
two  slipped the letter into the post office  and came back through heavy
rain  with streaming garments  but with a relieved heart 

The succeeding week seemed long  it came to an end at last  however  like
all sublunary things  and once more  towards the close of a pleasant
autumn day  I found myself afoot on the road to Lowton   A picturesque
track it was  by the way  lying along the side of the beck and through
the sweetest curves of the dale  but that day I thought more of the
letters  that might or might not be awaiting me at the little burgh
whither I was bound  than of the charms of lea and water 

My ostensible errand on this occasion was to get measured for a pair of
shoes  so I discharged that business first  and when it was done  I
stepped across the clean and quiet little street from the shoemaker s to
the post office  it was kept by an old dame  who wore horn spectacles on
her nose  and black mittens on her hands 

 Are there any letters for J E    I asked 

She peered at me over her spectacles  and then she opened a drawer and
fumbled among its contents for a long time  so long that my hopes began
to falter   At last  having held a document before her glasses for nearly
five minutes  she presented it across the counter  accompanying the act
by another inquisitive and mistrustful glance  it was for J E 

 Is there only one   I demanded 

 There are no more   said she  and I put it in my pocket and turned my
face homeward  I could not open it then  rules obliged me to be back by
eight  and it was already half past seven 

Various duties awaited me on my arrival   I had to sit with the girls
during their hour of study  then it was my turn to read prayers  to see
them to bed  afterwards I supped with the other teachers   Even when we
finally retired for the night  the inevitable Miss Gryce was still my
companion  we had only a short end of candle in our candlestick  and I
dreaded lest she should talk till it was all burnt out  fortunately 
however  the heavy supper she had eaten produced a soporific effect  she
was already snoring before I had finished undressing   There still
remained an inch of candle  I now took out my letter  the seal was an
initial F   I broke it  the contents were brief 

 If J E   who advertised in the     shire Herald  of last Thursday 
possesses the acquirements mentioned  and if she is in a position to give
satisfactory references as to character and competency  a situation can
be offered her where there is but one pupil  a little girl  under ten
years of age  and where the salary is thirty pounds per annum   J E  is
requested to send references  name  address  and all particulars to the
direction   

 Mrs  Fairfax  Thornfield  near Millcote     shire  

I examined the document long  the writing was old fashioned and rather
uncertain  like that of an elderly lady   This circumstance was
satisfactory  a private fear had haunted me  that in thus acting for
myself  and by my own guidance  I ran the risk of getting into some
scrape  and  above all things  I wished the result of my endeavours to be
respectable  proper   en regle    I now felt that an elderly lady was no
bad ingredient in the business I had on hand   Mrs  Fairfax   I saw her
in a black gown and widow s cap  frigid  perhaps  but not uncivil  a
model of elderly English respectability   Thornfield  that  doubtless 
was the name of her house  a neat orderly spot  I was sure  though I
failed in my efforts to conceive a correct plan of the premises 
Millcote     shire  I brushed up my recollections of the map of England 
yes  I saw it  both the shire and the town      shire was seventy miles
nearer London than the remote county where I now resided  that was a
recommendation to me   I longed to go where there was life and movement 
Millcote was a large manufacturing town on the banks of the A   a busy
place enough  doubtless  so much the better  it would be a complete
change at least   Not that my fancy was much captivated by the idea of
long chimneys and clouds of smoke   but   I argued   Thornfield will 
probably  be a good way from the town  

Here the socket of the candle dropped  and the wick went out 

Next day new steps were to be taken  my plans could no longer be confined
to my own breast  I must impart them in order to achieve their success 
Having sought and obtained an audience of the superintendent during the
noontide recreation  I told her I had a prospect of getting a new
situation where the salary would be double what I now received  for at
Lowood I only got 15 pounds per annum   and requested she would break the
matter for me to Mr  Brocklehurst  or some of the committee  and
ascertain whether they would permit me to mention them as references   She
obligingly consented to act as mediatrix in the matter   The next day she
laid the affair before Mr  Brocklehurst  who said that Mrs  Reed must be
written to  as she was my natural guardian   A note was accordingly
addressed to that lady  who returned for answer  that  I might do as I
pleased  she had long relinquished all interference in my affairs    This
note went the round of the committee  and at last  after what appeared to
me most tedious delay  formal leave was given me to better my condition
if I could  and an assurance added  that as I had always conducted myself
well  both as teacher and pupil  at Lowood  a testimonial of character
and capacity  signed by the inspectors of that institution  should
forthwith be furnished me 

This testimonial I accordingly received in about a month  forwarded a
copy of it to Mrs  Fairfax  and got that lady s reply  stating that she
was satisfied  and fixing that day fortnight as the period for my
assuming the post of governess in her house 

I now busied myself in preparations  the fortnight passed rapidly   I had
not a very large wardrobe  though it was adequate to my wants  and the
last day sufficed to pack my trunk   the same I had brought with me eight
years ago from Gateshead 

The box was corded  the card nailed on   In half an hour the carrier was
to call for it to take it to Lowton  whither I myself was to repair at an
early hour the next morning to meet the coach   I had brushed my black
stuff travelling dress  prepared my bonnet  gloves  and muff  sought in
all my drawers to see that no article was left behind  and now having
nothing more to do  I sat down and tried to rest   I could not  though I
had been on foot all day  I could not now repose an instant  I was too
much excited   A phase of my life was closing to night  a new one opening
to morrow  impossible to slumber in the interval  I must watch feverishly
while the change was being accomplished 

 Miss   said a servant who met me in the lobby  where I was wandering
like a troubled spirit   a person below wishes to see you  

 The carrier  no doubt   I thought  and ran downstairs without inquiry   I
was passing the back parlour or teachers  sitting room  the door of which
was half open  to go to the kitchen  when some one ran out  

 It s her  I am sure   I could have told her anywhere   cried the
individual who stopped my progress and took my hand 

I looked  I saw a woman attired like a well dressed servant  matronly 
yet still young  very good looking  with black hair and eyes  and lively
complexion 

 Well  who is it   she asked  in a voice and with a smile I half
recognised   you ve not quite forgotten me  I think  Miss Jane  

In another second I was embracing and kissing her rapturously   Bessie 
Bessie   Bessie   that was all I said  whereat she half laughed  half
cried  and we both went into the parlour   By the fire stood a little
fellow of three years old  in plaid frock and trousers 

 That is my little boy   said Bessie directly 

 Then you are married  Bessie  

 Yes  nearly five years since to Robert Leaven  the coachman  and I ve a
little girl besides Bobby there  that I ve christened Jane  

 And you don t live at Gateshead  

 I live at the lodge  the old porter has left  

 Well  and how do they all get on   Tell me everything about them 
Bessie  but sit down first  and  Bobby  come and sit on my knee  will
you   but Bobby preferred sidling over to his mother 

 You re not grown so very tall  Miss Jane  nor so very stout   continued
Mrs  Leaven    I dare say they ve not kept you too well at school  Miss
Reed is the head and shoulders taller than you are  and Miss Georgiana
would make two of you in breadth  

 Georgiana is handsome  I suppose  Bessie  

 Very   She went up to London last winter with her mama  and there
everybody admired her  and a young lord fell in love with her  but his
relations were against the match  and  what do you think   he and Miss
Georgiana made it up to run away  but they were found out and stopped   It
was Miss Reed that found them out  I believe she was envious  and now she
and her sister lead a cat and dog life together  they are always
quarrelling   

 Well  and what of John Reed  

 Oh  he is not doing so well as his mama could wish   He went to college 
and he got  plucked  I think they call it  and then his uncles wanted him
to be a barrister  and study the law  but he is such a dissipated young
man  they will never make much of him  I think  

 What does he look like  

 He is very tall  some people call him a fine looking young man  but he
has such thick lips  

 And Mrs  Reed  

 Missis looks stout and well enough in the face  but I think she s not
quite easy in her mind  Mr  John s conduct does not please her  he spends
a deal of money  

 Did she send you here  Bessie  

 No  indeed  but I have long wanted to see you  and when I heard that
there had been a letter from you  and that you were going to another part
of the country  I thought I d just set off  and get a look at you before
you were quite out of my reach  

 I am afraid you are disappointed in me  Bessie    I said this laughing 
I perceived that Bessie s glance  though it expressed regard  did in no
shape denote admiration 

 No  Miss Jane  not exactly  you are genteel enough  you look like a
lady  and it is as much as ever I expected of you  you were no beauty as
a child  

I smiled at Bessie s frank answer  I felt that it was correct  but I
confess I was not quite indifferent to its import  at eighteen most
people wish to please  and the conviction that they have not an exterior
likely to second that desire brings anything but gratification 

 I dare say you are clever  though   continued Bessie  by way of solace 
 What can you do   Can you play on the piano  

 A little  

There was one in the room  Bessie went and opened it  and then asked me
to sit down and give her a tune  I played a waltz or two  and she was
charmed 

 The Miss Reeds could not play as well   said she exultingly    I always
said you would surpass them in learning  and can you draw  

 That is one of my paintings over the chimney piece    It was a landscape
in water colours  of which I had made a present to the superintendent  in
acknowledgment of her obliging mediation with the committee on my behalf 
and which she had framed and glazed 

 Well  that is beautiful  Miss Jane   It is as fine a picture as any Miss
Reed s drawing master could paint  let alone the young ladies themselves 
who could not come near it  and have you learnt French  

 Yes  Bessie  I can both read it and speak it  

 And you can work on muslin and canvas  

 I can  

 Oh  you are quite a lady  Miss Jane   I knew you would be  you will get
on whether your relations notice you or not   There was something I
wanted to ask you   Have you ever heard anything from your father s
kinsfolk  the Eyres  

 Never in my life  

 Well  you know Missis always said they were poor and quite despicable 
and they may be poor  but I believe they are as much gentry as the Reeds
are  for one day  nearly seven years ago  a Mr  Eyre came to Gateshead
and wanted to see you  Missis said you were at school fifty miles off  he
seemed so much disappointed  for he could not stay  he was going on a
voyage to a foreign country  and the ship was to sail from London in a
day or two   He looked quite a gentleman  and I believe he was your
father s brother  

 What foreign country was he going to  Bessie  

 An island thousands of miles off  where they make wine  the butler did
tell me   

 Madeira   I suggested 

 Yes  that is it  that is the very word  

 So he went  

 Yes  he did not stay many minutes in the house  Missis was very high
with him  she called him afterwards a  sneaking tradesman    My Robert
believes he was a wine merchant  

 Very likely   I returned   or perhaps clerk or agent to a
wine merchant  

Bessie and I conversed about old times an hour longer  and then she was
obliged to leave me  I saw her again for a few minutes the next morning
at Lowton  while I was waiting for the coach   We parted finally at the
door of the Brocklehurst Arms there  each went her separate way  she set
off for the brow of Lowood Fell to meet the conveyance which was to take
her back to Gateshead  I mounted the vehicle which was to bear me to new
duties and a new life in the unknown environs of Millcote 




CHAPTER XI


A new chapter in a novel is something like a new scene in a play  and
when I draw up the curtain this time  reader  you must fancy you see a
room in the George Inn at Millcote  with such large figured papering on
the walls as inn rooms have  such a carpet  such furniture  such
ornaments on the mantelpiece  such prints  including a portrait of George
the Third  and another of the Prince of Wales  and a representation of
the death of Wolfe   All this is visible to you by the light of an oil
lamp hanging from the ceiling  and by that of an excellent fire  near
which I sit in my cloak and bonnet  my muff and umbrella lie on the
table  and I am warming away the numbness and chill contracted by sixteen
hours  exposure to the rawness of an October day  I left Lowton at four
o clock a m   and the Millcote town clock is now just striking eight 

Reader  though I look comfortably accommodated  I am not very tranquil in
my mind   I thought when the coach stopped here there would be some one
to meet me  I looked anxiously round as I descended the wooden steps the
 boots  placed for my convenience  expecting to hear my name pronounced 
and to see some description of carriage waiting to convey me to
Thornfield   Nothing of the sort was visible  and when I asked a waiter
if any one had been to inquire after a Miss Eyre  I was answered in the
negative  so I had no resource but to request to be shown into a private
room  and here I am waiting  while all sorts of doubts and fears are
troubling my thoughts 

It is a very strange sensation to inexperienced youth to feel itself
quite alone in the world  cut adrift from every connection  uncertain
whether the port to which it is bound can be reached  and prevented by
many impediments from returning to that it has quitted   The charm of
adventure sweetens that sensation  the glow of pride warms it  but then
the throb of fear disturbs it  and fear with me became predominant when
half an hour elapsed and still I was alone   I bethought myself to ring
the bell 

 Is there a place in this neighbourhood called Thornfield   I asked of
the waiter who answered the summons 

 Thornfield   I don t know  ma am  I ll inquire at the bar    He
vanished  but reappeared instantly  

 Is your name Eyre  Miss  

 Yes  

 Person here waiting for you  

I jumped up  took my muff and umbrella  and hastened into the
inn passage  a man was standing by the open door  and in the lamp lit
street I dimly saw a one horse conveyance 

 This will be your luggage  I suppose   said the man rather abruptly when
he saw me  pointing to my trunk in the passage 

 Yes    He hoisted it on to the vehicle  which was a sort of car  and
then I got in  before he shut me up  I asked him how far it was to
Thornfield 

 A matter of six miles  

 How long shall we be before we get there  

 Happen an hour and a half  

He fastened the car door  climbed to his own seat outside  and we set
off   Our progress was leisurely  and gave me ample time to reflect  I
was content to be at length so near the end of my journey  and as I
leaned back in the comfortable though not elegant conveyance  I meditated
much at my ease 

 I suppose   thought I   judging from the plainness of the servant and
carriage  Mrs  Fairfax is not a very dashing person  so much the better 
I never lived amongst fine people but once  and I was very miserable with
them   I wonder if she lives alone except this little girl  if so  and if
she is in any degree amiable  I shall surely be able to get on with her 
I will do my best  it is a pity that doing one s best does not always
answer   At Lowood  indeed  I took that resolution  kept it  and
succeeded in pleasing  but with Mrs  Reed  I remember my best was always
spurned with scorn   I pray God Mrs  Fairfax may not turn out a second
Mrs  Reed  but if she does  I am not bound to stay with her  let the
worst come to the worst  I can advertise again   How far are we on our
road now  I wonder  

I let down the window and looked out  Millcote was behind us  judging by
the number of its lights  it seemed a place of considerable magnitude 
much larger than Lowton   We were now  as far as I could see  on a sort
of common  but there were houses scattered all over the district  I felt
we were in a different region to Lowood  more populous  less picturesque 
more stirring  less romantic 

The roads were heavy  the night misty  my conductor let his horse walk
all the way  and the hour and a half extended  I verily believe  to two
hours  at last he turned in his seat and said  

 You re noan so far fro  Thornfield now  

Again I looked out  we were passing a church  I saw its low broad tower
against the sky  and its bell was tolling a quarter  I saw a narrow
galaxy of lights too  on a hillside  marking a village or hamlet   About
ten minutes after  the driver got down and opened a pair of gates  we
passed through  and they clashed to behind us   We now slowly ascended a
drive  and came upon the long front of a house  candlelight gleamed from
one curtained bow window  all the rest were dark   The car stopped at the
front door  it was opened by a maid servant  I alighted and went in 

 Will you walk this way  ma am   said the girl  and I followed her across
a square hall with high doors all round  she ushered me into a room whose
double illumination of fire and candle at first dazzled me  contrasting
as it did with the darkness to which my eyes had been for two hours
inured  when I could see  however  a cosy and agreeable picture presented
itself to my view 

A snug small room  a round table by a cheerful fire  an arm chair high 
backed and old fashioned  wherein sat the neatest imaginable little
elderly lady  in widow s cap  black silk gown  and snowy muslin apron 
exactly like what I had fancied Mrs  Fairfax  only less stately and
milder looking   She was occupied in knitting  a large cat sat demurely
at her feet  nothing in short was wanting to complete the beau ideal of
domestic comfort   A more reassuring introduction for a new governess
could scarcely be conceived  there was no grandeur to overwhelm  no
stateliness to embarrass  and then  as I entered  the old lady got up and
promptly and kindly came forward to meet me 

 How do you do  my dear   I am afraid you have had a tedious ride  John
drives so slowly  you must be cold  come to the fire  

 Mrs  Fairfax  I suppose   said I 

 Yes  you are right  do sit down  

She conducted me to her own chair  and then began to remove my shawl and
untie my bonnet strings  I begged she would not give herself so much
trouble 

 Oh  it is no trouble  I dare say your own hands are almost numbed with
cold   Leah  make a little hot negus and cut a sandwich or two  here are
the keys of the storeroom  

And she produced from her pocket a most housewifely bunch of keys  and
delivered them to the servant 

 Now  then  draw nearer to the fire   she continued    You ve brought
your luggage with you  haven t you  my dear  

 Yes  ma am  

 I ll see it carried into your room   she said  and bustled out 

 She treats me like a visitor   thought I    I little expected such a
reception  I anticipated only coldness and stiffness  this is not like
what I have heard of the treatment of governesses  but I must not exult
too soon  

She returned  with her own hands cleared her knitting apparatus and a
book or two from the table  to make room for the tray which Leah now
brought  and then herself handed me the refreshments   I felt rather
confused at being the object of more attention than I had ever before
received  and  that too  shown by my employer and superior  but as she
did not herself seem to consider she was doing anything out of her place 
I thought it better to take her civilities quietly 

 Shall I have the pleasure of seeing Miss Fairfax to night   I asked 
when I had partaken of what she offered me 

 What did you say  my dear   I am a little deaf   returned the good lady 
approaching her ear to my mouth 

I repeated the question more distinctly 

 Miss Fairfax   Oh  you mean Miss Varens   Varens is the name of your
future pupil  

 Indeed   Then she is not your daughter  

 No   I have no family  

I should have followed up my first inquiry  by asking in what way Miss
Varens was connected with her  but I recollected it was not polite to ask
too many questions  besides  I was sure to hear in time 

 I am so glad   she continued  as she sat down opposite to me  and took
the cat on her knee   I am so glad you are come  it will be quite
pleasant living here now with a companion   To be sure it is pleasant at
any time  for Thornfield is a fine old hall  rather neglected of late
years perhaps  but still it is a respectable place  yet you know in
winter time one feels dreary quite alone in the best quarters   I say
alone  Leah is a nice girl to be sure  and John and his wife are very
decent people  but then you see they are only servants  and one can t
converse with them on terms of equality  one must keep them at due
distance  for fear of losing one s authority   I m sure last winter  it
was a very severe one  if you recollect  and when it did not snow  it
rained and blew   not a creature but the butcher and postman came to the
house  from November till February  and I really got quite melancholy
with sitting night after night alone  I had Leah in to read to me
sometimes  but I don t think the poor girl liked the task much  she felt
it confining   In spring and summer one got on better  sunshine and long
days make such a difference  and then  just at the commencement of this
autumn  little Adela Varens came and her nurse  a child makes a house
alive all at once  and now you are here I shall be quite gay  

My heart really warmed to the worthy lady as I heard her talk  and I drew
my chair a little nearer to her  and expressed my sincere wish that she
might find my company as agreeable as she anticipated 

 But I ll not keep you sitting up late to night   said she   it is on the
stroke of twelve now  and you have been travelling all day  you must feel
tired   If you have got your feet well warmed  I ll show you your
bedroom   I ve had the room next to mine prepared for you  it is only a
small apartment  but I thought you would like it better than one of the
large front chambers  to be sure they have finer furniture  but they are
so dreary and solitary  I never sleep in them myself  

I thanked her for her considerate choice  and as I really felt fatigued
with my long journey  expressed my readiness to retire   She took her
candle  and I followed her from the room   First she went to see if the
hall door was fastened  having taken the key from the lock  she led the
way upstairs   The steps and banisters were of oak  the staircase window
was high and latticed  both it and the long gallery into which the
bedroom doors opened looked as if they belonged to a church rather than a
house   A very chill and vault like air pervaded the stairs and gallery 
suggesting cheerless ideas of space and solitude  and I was glad  when
finally ushered into my chamber  to find it of small dimensions  and
furnished in ordinary  modern style 

When Mrs  Fairfax had bidden me a kind good night  and I had fastened my
door  gazed leisurely round  and in some measure effaced the eerie
impression made by that wide hall  that dark and spacious staircase  and
that long  cold gallery  by the livelier aspect of my little room  I
remembered that  after a day of bodily fatigue and mental anxiety  I was
now at last in safe haven   The impulse of gratitude swelled my heart 
and I knelt down at the bedside  and offered up thanks where thanks were
due  not forgetting  ere I rose  to implore aid on my further path  and
the power of meriting the kindness which seemed so frankly offered me
before it was earned   My couch had no thorns in it that night  my
solitary room no fears   At once weary and content  I slept soon and
soundly  when I awoke it was broad day 

The chamber looked such a bright little place to me as the sun shone in
between the gay blue chintz window curtains  showing papered walls and a
carpeted floor  so unlike the bare planks and stained plaster of Lowood 
that my spirits rose at the view   Externals have a great effect on the
young  I thought that a fairer era of life was beginning for me  one that
was to have its flowers and pleasures  as well as its thorns and toils 
My faculties  roused by the change of scene  the new field offered to
hope  seemed all astir   I cannot precisely define what they expected 
but it was something pleasant  not perhaps that day or that month  but at
an indefinite future period 

I rose  I dressed myself with care  obliged to be plain  for I had no
article of attire that was not made with extreme simplicity  I was still
by nature solicitous to be neat   It was not my habit to be disregardful
of appearance or careless of the impression I made  on the contrary  I
ever wished to look as well as I could  and to please as much as my want
of beauty would permit   I sometimes regretted that I was not handsomer 
I sometimes wished to have rosy cheeks  a straight nose  and small cherry
mouth  I desired to be tall  stately  and finely developed in figure  I
felt it a misfortune that I was so little  so pale  and had features so
irregular and so marked   And why had I these aspirations and these
regrets   It would be difficult to say  I could not then distinctly say
it to myself  yet I had a reason  and a logical  natural reason too 
However  when I had brushed my hair very smooth  and put on my black
frock  which  Quakerlike as it was  at least had the merit of fitting to
a nicety  and adjusted my clean white tucker  I thought I should do
respectably enough to appear before Mrs  Fairfax  and that my new pupil
would not at least recoil from me with antipathy   Having opened my
chamber window  and seen that I left all things straight and neat on the
toilet table  I ventured forth 

Traversing the long and matted gallery  I descended the slippery steps of
oak  then I gained the hall  I halted there a minute  I looked at some
pictures on the walls  one  I remember  represented a grim man in a
cuirass  and one a lady with powdered hair and a pearl necklace   at a
bronze lamp pendent from the ceiling  at a great clock whose case was of
oak curiously carved  and ebon black with time and rubbing   Everything
appeared very stately and imposing to me  but then I was so little
accustomed to grandeur   The hall door  which was half of glass  stood
open  I stepped over the threshold   It was a fine autumn morning  the
early sun shone serenely on embrowned groves and still green fields 
advancing on to the lawn  I looked up and surveyed the front of the
mansion   It was three storeys high  of proportions not vast  though
considerable  a gentleman s manor house  not a nobleman s seat 
battlements round the top gave it a picturesque look   Its grey front
stood out well from the background of a rookery  whose cawing tenants
were now on the wing  they flew over the lawn and grounds to alight in a
great meadow  from which these were separated by a sunk fence  and where
an array of mighty old thorn trees  strong  knotty  and broad as oaks  at
once explained the etymology of the mansion s designation   Farther off
were hills  not so lofty as those round Lowood  nor so craggy  nor so
like barriers of separation from the living world  but yet quiet and
lonely hills enough  and seeming to embrace Thornfield with a seclusion I
had not expected to find existent so near the stirring locality of
Millcote   A little hamlet  whose roofs were blent with trees  straggled
up the side of one of these hills  the church of the district stood
nearer Thornfield  its old tower top looked over a knoll between the
house and gates 

I was yet enjoying the calm prospect and pleasant fresh air  yet
listening with delight to the cawing of the rooks  yet surveying the
wide  hoary front of the hall  and thinking what a great place it was for
one lonely little dame like Mrs  Fairfax to inhabit  when that lady
appeared at the door 

 What  out already   said she    I see you are an early riser    I went
up to her  and was received with an affable kiss and shake of the hand 

 How do you like Thornfield   she asked   I told her I liked it very
much 

 Yes   she said   it is a pretty place  but I fear it will be getting out
of order  unless Mr  Rochester should take it into his head to come and
reside here permanently  or  at least  visit it rather oftener  great
houses and fine grounds require the presence of the proprietor  

 Mr  Rochester   I exclaimed    Who is he  

 The owner of Thornfield   she responded quietly    Did you not know he
was called Rochester  

Of course I did not  I had never heard of him before  but the old lady
seemed to regard his existence as a universally understood fact  with
which everybody must be acquainted by instinct 

 I thought   I continued   Thornfield belonged to you  

 To me   Bless you  child  what an idea   To me   I am only the
housekeeper  the manager   To be sure I am distantly related to the
Rochesters by the mother s side  or at least my husband was  he was a
clergyman  incumbent of Hay  that little village yonder on the hill  and
that church near the gates was his   The present Mr  Rochester s mother
was a Fairfax  and second cousin to my husband  but I never presume on
the connection  in fact  it is nothing to me  I consider myself quite in
the light of an ordinary housekeeper  my employer is always civil  and I
expect nothing more  

 And the little girl  my pupil  

 She is Mr  Rochester s ward  he commissioned me to find a governess for
her   He intended to have her brought up in    shire  I believe   Here
she comes  with her  bonne   as she calls her nurse    The enigma then
was explained  this affable and kind little widow was no great dame  but
a dependant like myself   I did not like her the worse for that  on the
contrary  I felt better pleased than ever   The equality between her and
me was real  not the mere result of condescension on her part  so much
the better  my position was all the freer 

As I was meditating on this discovery  a little girl  followed by her
attendant  came running up the lawn   I looked at my pupil  who did not
at first appear to notice me  she was quite a child  perhaps seven or
eight years old  slightly built  with a pale  small featured face  and a
redundancy of hair falling in curls to her waist 

 Good morning  Miss Adela   said Mrs  Fairfax    Come and speak to the
lady who is to teach you  and to make you a clever woman some day    She
approached 

 C est la ma gouverante   said she  pointing to me  and addressing her
nurse  who answered  

 Mais oui  certainement  

 Are they foreigners   I inquired  amazed at hearing the French language 

 The nurse is a foreigner  and Adela was born on the Continent  and  I
believe  never left it till within six months ago   When she first came
here she could speak no English  now she can make shift to talk it a
little  I don t understand her  she mixes it so with French  but you will
make out her meaning very well  I dare say  

Fortunately I had had the advantage of being taught French by a French
lady  and as I had always made a point of conversing with Madame Pierrot
as often as I could  and had besides  during the last seven years  learnt
a portion of French by heart daily  applying myself to take pains with my
accent  and imitating as closely as possible the pronunciation of my
teacher  I had acquired a certain degree of readiness and correctness in
the language  and was not likely to be much at a loss with Mademoiselle
Adela   She came and shook hand with me when she heard that I was her
governess  and as I led her in to breakfast  I addressed some phrases to
her in her own tongue  she replied briefly at first  but after we were
seated at the table  and she had examined me some ten minutes with her
large hazel eyes  she suddenly commenced chattering fluently 

 Ah   cried she  in French   you speak my language as well as Mr 
Rochester does  I can talk to you as I can to him  and so can Sophie   She
will be glad  nobody here understands her  Madame Fairfax is all English 
Sophie is my nurse  she came with me over the sea in a great ship with a
chimney that smoked  how it did smoke   and I was sick  and so was
Sophie  and so was Mr  Rochester   Mr  Rochester lay down on a sofa in a
pretty room called the salon  and Sophie and I had little beds in another
place   I nearly fell out of mine  it was like a shelf   And
Mademoiselle  what is your name  

 Eyre  Jane Eyre  

 Aire   Bah   I cannot say it   Well  our ship stopped in the morning 
before it was quite daylight  at a great city  a huge city  with very
dark houses and all smoky  not at all like the pretty clean town I came
from  and Mr  Rochester carried me in his arms over a plank to the land 
and Sophie came after  and we all got into a coach  which took us to a
beautiful large house  larger than this and finer  called an hotel   We
stayed there nearly a week  I and Sophie used to walk every day in a
great green place full of trees  called the Park  and there were many
children there besides me  and a pond with beautiful birds in it  that I
fed with crumbs  

 Can you understand her when she runs on so fast   asked Mrs  Fairfax 

I understood her very well  for I had been accustomed to the fluent
tongue of Madame Pierrot 

 I wish   continued the good lady   you would ask her a question or two
about her parents  I wonder if she remembers them  

 Adele   I inquired   with whom did you live when you were in that pretty
clean town you spoke of  

 I lived long ago with mama  but she is gone to the Holy Virgin   Mama
used to teach me to dance and sing  and to say verses   A great many
gentlemen and ladies came to see mama  and I used to dance before them 
or to sit on their knees and sing to them  I liked it   Shall I let you
hear me sing now  

She had finished her breakfast  so I permitted her to give a specimen of
her accomplishments   Descending from her chair  she came and placed
herself on my knee  then  folding her little hands demurely before her 
shaking back her curls and lifting her eyes to the ceiling  she commenced
singing a song from some opera   It was the strain of a forsaken lady 
who  after bewailing the perfidy of her lover  calls pride to her aid 
desires her attendant to deck her in her brightest jewels and richest
robes  and resolves to meet the false one that night at a ball  and prove
to him  by the gaiety of her demeanour  how little his desertion has
affected her 

The subject seemed strangely chosen for an infant singer  but I suppose
the point of the exhibition lay in hearing the notes of love and jealousy
warbled with the lisp of childhood  and in very bad taste that point was 
at least I thought so 

Adele sang the canzonette tunefully enough  and with the  naivete  of her
age   This achieved  she jumped from my knee and said   Now 
Mademoiselle  I will repeat you some poetry  

Assuming an attitude  she began   La Ligue des Rats  fable de La
Fontaine    She then declaimed the little piece with an attention to
punctuation and emphasis  a flexibility of voice and an appropriateness
of gesture  very unusual indeed at her age  and which proved she had been
carefully trained 

 Was it your mama who taught you that piece   I asked 

 Yes  and she just used to say it in this way   Qu  avez vous donc  lui
dit un de ces rats  parlez    She made me lift my hand  so  to remind me
to raise my voice at the question   Now shall I dance for you  

 No  that will do  but after your mama went to the Holy Virgin  as you
say  with whom did you live then  

 With Madame Frederic and her husband  she took care of me  but she is
nothing related to me   I think she is poor  for she had not so fine a
house as mama   I was not long there   Mr  Rochester asked me if I would
like to go and live with him in England  and I said yes  for I knew Mr 
Rochester before I knew Madame Frederic  and he was always kind to me and
gave me pretty dresses and toys  but you see he has not kept his word 
for he has brought me to England  and now he is gone back again himself 
and I never see him  

After breakfast  Adele and I withdrew to the library  which room  it
appears  Mr  Rochester had directed should be used as the schoolroom 
Most of the books were locked up behind glass doors  but there was one
bookcase left open containing everything that could be needed in the way
of elementary works  and several volumes of light literature  poetry 
biography  travels  a few romances   c   I suppose he had considered that
these were all the governess would require for her private perusal  and 
indeed  they contented me amply for the present  compared with the scanty
pickings I had now and then been able to glean at Lowood  they seemed to
offer an abundant harvest of entertainment and information   In this
room  too  there was a cabinet piano  quite new and of superior tone 
also an easel for painting and a pair of globes 

I found my pupil sufficiently docile  though disinclined to apply  she
had not been used to regular occupation of any kind   I felt it would be
injudicious to confine her too much at first  so  when I had talked to
her a great deal  and got her to learn a little  and when the morning had
advanced to noon  I allowed her to return to her nurse   I then proposed
to occupy myself till dinner time in drawing some little sketches for her
use 

As I was going upstairs to fetch my portfolio and pencils  Mrs  Fairfax
called to me   Your morning school hours are over now  I suppose   said
she   She was in a room the folding doors of which stood open  I went in
when she addressed me   It was a large  stately apartment  with purple
chairs and curtains  a Turkey carpet  walnut panelled walls  one vast
window rich in slanted glass  and a lofty ceiling  nobly moulded   Mrs 
Fairfax was dusting some vases of fine purple spar  which stood on a
sideboard 

 What a beautiful room   I exclaimed  as I looked round  for I had never
before seen any half so imposing 

 Yes  this is the dining room   I have just opened the window  to let in
a little air and sunshine  for everything gets so damp in apartments that
are seldom inhabited  the drawing room yonder feels like a vault  

She pointed to a wide arch corresponding to the window  and hung like it
with a Tyrian dyed curtain  now looped up   Mounting to it by two broad
steps  and looking through  I thought I caught a glimpse of a fairy
place  so bright to my novice eyes appeared the view beyond   Yet it was
merely a very pretty drawing room  and within it a boudoir  both spread
with white carpets  on which seemed laid brilliant garlands of flowers 
both ceiled with snowy mouldings of white grapes and vine leaves  beneath
which glowed in rich contrast crimson couches and ottomans  while the
ornaments on the pale Parian mantelpiece were of sparkling Bohemian
glass  ruby red  and between the windows large mirrors repeated the
general blending of snow and fire 

 In what order you keep these rooms  Mrs  Fairfax   said I    No dust  no
canvas coverings  except that the air feels chilly  one would think they
were inhabited daily  

 Why  Miss Eyre  though Mr  Rochester s visits here are rare  they are
always sudden and unexpected  and as I observed that it put him out to
find everything swathed up  and to have a bustle of arrangement on his
arrival  I thought it best to keep the rooms in readiness  

 Is Mr  Rochester an exacting  fastidious sort of man  

 Not particularly so  but he has a gentleman s tastes and habits  and he
expects to have things managed in conformity to them  

 Do you like him   Is he generally liked  

 Oh  yes  the family have always been respected here   Almost all the
land in this neighbourhood  as far as you can see  has belonged to the
Rochesters time out of mind  

 Well  but  leaving his land out of the question  do you like him   Is he
liked for himself  

 I have no cause to do otherwise than like him  and I believe he is
considered a just and liberal landlord by his tenants  but he has never
lived much amongst them  

 But has he no peculiarities   What  in short  is his character  

 Oh  his character is unimpeachable  I suppose   He is rather peculiar 
perhaps  he has travelled a great deal  and seen a great deal of the
world  I should think   I dare say he is clever  but I never had much
conversation with him  

 In what way is he peculiar  

 I don t know  it is not easy to describe  nothing striking  but you feel
it when he speaks to you  you cannot be always sure whether he is in jest
or earnest  whether he is pleased or the contrary  you don t thoroughly
understand him  in short  at least  I don t  but it is of no consequence 
he is a very good master  

This was all the account I got from Mrs  Fairfax of her employer and
mine   There are people who seem to have no notion of sketching a
character  or observing and describing salient points  either in persons
or things  the good lady evidently belonged to this class  my queries
puzzled  but did not draw her out   Mr  Rochester was Mr  Rochester in
her eyes  a gentleman  a landed proprietor  nothing more  she inquired
and searched no further  and evidently wondered at my wish to gain a more
definite notion of his identity 

When we left the dining room  she proposed to show me over the rest of
the house  and I followed her upstairs and downstairs  admiring as I
went  for all was well arranged and handsome   The large front chambers I
thought especially grand  and some of the third storey rooms  though dark
and low  were interesting from their air of antiquity   The furniture
once appropriated to the lower apartments had from time to time been
removed here  as fashions changed  and the imperfect light entering by
their narrow casement showed bedsteads of a hundred years old  chests in
oak or walnut  looking  with their strange carvings of palm branches and
cherubs  heads  like types of the Hebrew ark  rows of venerable chairs 
high backed and narrow  stools still more antiquated  on whose cushioned
tops were yet apparent traces of half effaced embroideries  wrought by
fingers that for two generations had been coffin dust   All these relics
gave to the third storey of Thornfield Hall the aspect of a home of the
past  a shrine of memory   I liked the hush  the gloom  the quaintness of
these retreats in the day  but I by no means coveted a night s repose on
one of those wide and heavy beds  shut in  some of them  with doors of
oak  shaded  others  with wrought old English hangings crusted with thick
work  portraying effigies of strange flowers  and stranger birds  and
strangest human beings   all which would have looked strange  indeed  by
the pallid gleam of moonlight 

 Do the servants sleep in these rooms   I asked 

 No  they occupy a range of smaller apartments to the back  no one ever
sleeps here  one would almost say that  if there were a ghost at
Thornfield Hall  this would be its haunt  

 So I think  you have no ghost  then  

 None that I ever heard of   returned Mrs  Fairfax  smiling 

 Nor any traditions of one  no legends or ghost stories  

 I believe not   And yet it is said the Rochesters have been rather a
violent than a quiet race in their time  perhaps  though  that is the
reason they rest tranquilly in their graves now  

 Yes   after life s fitful fever they sleep well    I muttered    Where
are you going now  Mrs  Fairfax   for she was moving away 

 On to the leads  will you come and see the view from thence    I
followed still  up a very narrow staircase to the attics  and thence by a
ladder and through a trap door to the roof of the hall   I was now on a
level with the crow colony  and could see into their nests   Leaning over
the battlements and looking far down  I surveyed the grounds laid out
like a map  the bright and velvet lawn closely girdling the grey base of
the mansion  the field  wide as a park  dotted with its ancient timber 
the wood  dun and sere  divided by a path visibly overgrown  greener with
moss than the trees were with foliage  the church at the gates  the road 
the tranquil hills  all reposing in the autumn day s sun  the horizon
bounded by a propitious sky  azure  marbled with pearly white   No
feature in the scene was extraordinary  but all was pleasing   When I
turned from it and repassed the trap door  I could scarcely see my way
down the ladder  the attic seemed black as a vault compared with that
arch of blue air to which I had been looking up  and to that sunlit scene
of grove  pasture  and green hill  of which the hall was the centre  and
over which I had been gazing with delight 

Mrs  Fairfax stayed behind a moment to fasten the trap door  I  by drift
of groping  found the outlet from the attic  and proceeded to descend the
narrow garret staircase   I lingered in the long passage to which this
led  separating the front and back rooms of the third storey  narrow 
low  and dim  with only one little window at the far end  and looking 
with its two rows of small black doors all shut  like a corridor in some
Bluebeard s castle 

While I paced softly on  the last sound I expected to hear in so still a
region  a laugh  struck my ear   It was a curious laugh  distinct 
formal  mirthless   I stopped  the sound ceased  only for an instant  it
began again  louder  for at first  though distinct  it was very low   It
passed off in a clamorous peal that seemed to wake an echo in every
lonely chamber  though it originated but in one  and I could have pointed
out the door whence the accents issued 

 Mrs  Fairfax   I called out  for I now heard her descending the great
stairs    Did you hear that loud laugh   Who is it  

 Some of the servants  very likely   she answered   perhaps Grace Poole  

 Did you hear it   I again inquired 

 Yes  plainly  I often hear her  she sews in one of these rooms 
Sometimes Leah is with her  they are frequently noisy together  

The laugh was repeated in its low  syllabic tone  and terminated in an
odd murmur 

 Grace   exclaimed Mrs  Fairfax 

I really did not expect any Grace to answer  for the laugh was as tragic 
as preternatural a laugh as any I ever heard  and  but that it was high
noon  and that no circumstance of ghostliness accompanied the curious
cachinnation  but that neither scene nor season favoured fear  I should
have been superstitiously afraid   However  the event showed me I was a
fool for entertaining a sense even of surprise 

The door nearest me opened  and a servant came out   a woman of between
thirty and forty  a set  square made figure  red haired  and with a hard 
plain face  any apparition less romantic or less ghostly could scarcely
be conceived 

 Too much noise  Grace   said Mrs  Fairfax    Remember directions    Grace
curtseyed silently and went in 

 She is a person we have to sew and assist Leah in her housemaid s work  
continued the widow   not altogether unobjectionable in some points  but
she does well enough   By the bye  how have you got on with your new
pupil this morning  

The conversation  thus turned on Adele  continued till we reached the
light and cheerful region below   Adele came running to meet us in the
hall  exclaiming  

 Mesdames  vous etes servies   adding   J ai bien faim  moi  

We found dinner ready  and waiting for us in Mrs  Fairfax s room 




CHAPTER XII


The promise of a smooth career  which my first calm introduction to
Thornfield Hall seemed to pledge  was not belied on a longer acquaintance
with the place and its inmates   Mrs  Fairfax turned out to be what she
appeared  a placid tempered  kind natured woman  of competent education
and average intelligence   My pupil was a lively child  who had been
spoilt and indulged  and therefore was sometimes wayward  but as she was
committed entirely to my care  and no injudicious interference from any
quarter ever thwarted my plans for her improvement  she soon forgot her
little freaks  and became obedient and teachable   She had no great
talents  no marked traits of character  no peculiar development of
feeling or taste which raised her one inch above the ordinary level of
childhood  but neither had she any deficiency or vice which sunk her
below it   She made reasonable progress  entertained for me a vivacious 
though perhaps not very profound  affection  and by her simplicity  gay
prattle  and efforts to please  inspired me  in return  with a degree of
attachment sufficient to make us both content in each other s society 

This   par parenthese   will be thought cool language by persons who
entertain solemn doctrines about the angelic nature of children  and the
duty of those charged with their education to conceive for them an
idolatrous devotion  but I am not writing to flatter parental egotism  to
echo cant  or prop up humbug  I am merely telling the truth   I felt a
conscientious solicitude for Adele s welfare and progress  and a quiet
liking for her little self  just as I cherished towards Mrs  Fairfax a
thankfulness for her kindness  and a pleasure in her society
proportionate to the tranquil regard she had for me  and the moderation
of her mind and character 

Anybody may blame me who likes  when I add further  that  now and then 
when I took a walk by myself in the grounds  when I went down to the
gates and looked through them along the road  or when  while Adele played
with her nurse  and Mrs  Fairfax made jellies in the storeroom  I climbed
the three staircases  raised the trap door of the attic  and having
reached the leads  looked out afar over sequestered field and hill  and
along dim sky line  that then I longed for a power of vision which might
overpass that limit  which might reach the busy world  towns  regions
full of life I had heard of but never seen  that then I desired more of
practical experience than I possessed  more of intercourse with my kind 
of acquaintance with variety of character  than was here within my reach 
I valued what was good in Mrs  Fairfax  and what was good in Adele  but I
believed in the existence of other and more vivid kinds of goodness  and
what I believed in I wished to behold 

Who blames me   Many  no doubt  and I shall be called discontented   I
could not help it  the restlessness was in my nature  it agitated me to
pain sometimes   Then my sole relief was to walk along the corridor of
the third storey  backwards and forwards  safe in the silence and
solitude of the spot  and allow my mind s eye to dwell on whatever bright
visions rose before it  and  certainly  they were many and glowing  to
let my heart be heaved by the exultant movement  which  while it swelled
it in trouble  expanded it with life  and  best of all  to open my inward
ear to a tale that was never ended  a tale my imagination created  and
narrated continuously  quickened with all of incident  life  fire 
feeling  that I desired and had not in my actual existence 

It is in vain to say human beings ought to be satisfied with
tranquillity  they must have action  and they will make it if they cannot
find it   Millions are condemned to a stiller doom than mine  and
millions are in silent revolt against their lot   Nobody knows how many
rebellions besides political rebellions ferment in the masses of life
which people earth   Women are supposed to be very calm generally  but
women feel just as men feel  they need exercise for their faculties  and
a field for their efforts  as much as their brothers do  they suffer from
too rigid a restraint  too absolute a stagnation  precisely as men would
suffer  and it is narrow minded in their more privileged fellow creatures
to say that they ought to confine themselves to making puddings and
knitting stockings  to playing on the piano and embroidering bags   It is
thoughtless to condemn them  or laugh at them  if they seek to do more or
learn more than custom has pronounced necessary for their sex 

When thus alone  I not unfrequently heard Grace Poole s laugh  the same
peal  the same low  slow ha  ha  which  when first heard  had thrilled
me  I heard  too  her eccentric murmurs  stranger than her laugh   There
were days when she was quite silent  but there were others when I could
not account for the sounds she made   Sometimes I saw her  she would come
out of her room with a basin  or a plate  or a tray in her hand  go down
to the kitchen and shortly return  generally  oh  romantic reader 
forgive me for telling the plain truth   bearing a pot of porter   Her
appearance always acted as a damper to the curiosity raised by her oral
oddities  hard featured and staid  she had no point to which interest
could attach   I made some attempts to draw her into conversation  but
she seemed a person of few words  a monosyllabic reply usually cut short
every effort of that sort 

The other members of the household  viz   John and his wife  Leah the
housemaid  and Sophie the French nurse  were decent people  but in no
respect remarkable  with Sophie I used to talk French  and sometimes I
asked her questions about her native country  but she was not of a
descriptive or narrative turn  and generally gave such vapid and confused
answers as were calculated rather to check than encourage inquiry 

October  November  December passed away   One afternoon in January  Mrs 
Fairfax had begged a holiday for Adele  because she had a cold  and  as
Adele seconded the request with an ardour that reminded me how precious
occasional holidays had been to me in my own childhood  I accorded it 
deeming that I did well in showing pliability on the point   It was a
fine  calm day  though very cold  I was tired of sitting still in the
library through a whole long morning  Mrs  Fairfax had just written a
letter which was waiting to be posted  so I put on my bonnet and cloak
and volunteered to carry it to Hay  the distance  two miles  would be a
pleasant winter afternoon walk   Having seen Adele comfortably seated in
her little chair by Mrs  Fairfax s parlour fireside  and given her her
best wax doll  which I usually kept enveloped in silver paper in a
drawer  to play with  and a story book for change of amusement  and
having replied to her  Revenez bientot  ma bonne amie  ma chere Mdlle 
Jeannette   with a kiss I set out 

The ground was hard  the air was still  my road was lonely  I walked fast
till I got warm  and then I walked slowly to enjoy and analyse the
species of pleasure brooding for me in the hour and situation   It was
three o clock  the church bell tolled as I passed under the belfry  the
charm of the hour lay in its approaching dimness  in the low gliding and
pale beaming sun   I was a mile from Thornfield  in a lane noted for wild
roses in summer  for nuts and blackberries in autumn  and even now
possessing a few coral treasures in hips and haws  but whose best winter
delight lay in its utter solitude and leafless repose   If a breath of
air stirred  it made no sound here  for there was not a holly  not an
evergreen to rustle  and the stripped hawthorn and hazel bushes were as
still as the white  worn stones which causewayed the middle of the path 
Far and wide  on each side  there were only fields  where no cattle now
browsed  and the little brown birds  which stirred occasionally in the
hedge  looked like single russet leaves that had forgotten to drop 

This lane inclined up hill all the way to Hay  having reached the middle 
I sat down on a stile which led thence into a field   Gathering my mantle
about me  and sheltering my hands in my muff  I did not feel the cold 
though it froze keenly  as was attested by a sheet of ice covering the
causeway  where a little brooklet  now congealed  had overflowed after a
rapid thaw some days since   From my seat I could look down on
Thornfield  the grey and battlemented hall was the principal object in
the vale below me  its woods and dark rookery rose against the west   I
lingered till the sun went down amongst the trees  and sank crimson and
clear behind them   I then turned eastward 

On the hill top above me sat the rising moon  pale yet as a cloud  but
brightening momentarily  she looked over Hay  which  half lost in trees 
sent up a blue smoke from its few chimneys  it was yet a mile distant 
but in the absolute hush I could hear plainly its thin murmurs of life 
My ear  too  felt the flow of currents  in what dales and depths I could
not tell  but there were many hills beyond Hay  and doubtless many becks
threading their passes   That evening calm betrayed alike the tinkle of
the nearest streams  the sough of the most remote 

A rude noise broke on these fine ripplings and whisperings  at once so
far away and so clear  a positive tramp  tramp  a metallic clatter  which
effaced the soft wave wanderings  as  in a picture  the solid mass of a
crag  or the rough boles of a great oak  drawn in dark and strong on the
foreground  efface the aerial distance of azure hill  sunny horizon  and
blended clouds where tint melts into tint 

The din was on the causeway  a horse was coming  the windings of the lane
yet hid it  but it approached   I was just leaving the stile  yet  as the
path was narrow  I sat still to let it go by   In those days I was young 
and all sorts of fancies bright and dark tenanted my mind  the memories
of nursery stories were there amongst other rubbish  and when they
recurred  maturing youth added to them a vigour and vividness beyond what
childhood could give   As this horse approached  and as I watched for it
to appear through the dusk  I remembered certain of Bessie s tales 
wherein figured a North of England spirit called a  Gytrash   which  in
the form of horse  mule  or large dog  haunted solitary ways  and
sometimes came upon belated travellers  as this horse was now coming upon
me 

It was very near  but not yet in sight  when  in addition to the tramp 
tramp  I heard a rush under the hedge  and close down by the hazel stems
glided a great dog  whose black and white colour made him a distinct
object against the trees   It was exactly one form of Bessie s Gytrash  a
lion like creature with long hair and a huge head  it passed me  however 
quietly enough  not staying to look up  with strange pretercanine eyes 
in my face  as I half expected it would   The horse followed   a tall
steed  and on its back a rider   The man  the human being  broke the
spell at once   Nothing ever rode the Gytrash  it was always alone  and
goblins  to my notions  though they might tenant the dumb carcasses of
beasts  could scarce covet shelter in the commonplace human form   No
Gytrash was this   only a traveller taking the short cut to Millcote   He
passed  and I went on  a few steps  and I turned  a sliding sound and an
exclamation of  What the deuce is to do now   and a clattering tumble 
arrested my attention   Man and horse were down  they had slipped on the
sheet of ice which glazed the causeway   The dog came bounding back  and
seeing his master in a predicament  and hearing the horse groan  barked
till the evening hills echoed the sound  which was deep in proportion to
his magnitude   He snuffed round the prostrate group  and then he ran up
to me  it was all he could do   there was no other help at hand to
summon   I obeyed him  and walked down to the traveller  by this time
struggling himself free of his steed   His efforts were so vigorous  I
thought he could not be much hurt  but I asked him the question  

 Are you injured  sir  

I think he was swearing  but am not certain  however  he was pronouncing
some formula which prevented him from replying to me directly 

 Can I do anything   I asked again 

 You must just stand on one side   he answered as he rose  first to his
knees  and then to his feet   I did  whereupon began a heaving  stamping 
clattering process  accompanied by a barking and baying which removed me
effectually some yards  distance  but I would not be driven quite away
till I saw the event   This was finally fortunate  the horse was
re established  and the dog was silenced with a  Down  Pilot    The
traveller now  stooping  felt his foot and leg  as if trying whether they
were sound  apparently something ailed them  for he halted to the stile
whence I had just risen  and sat down 

I was in the mood for being useful  or at least officious  I think  for I
now drew near him again 

 If you are hurt  and want help  sir  I can fetch some one either from
Thornfield Hall or from Hay  

 Thank you  I shall do  I have no broken bones   only a sprain   and
again he stood up and tried his foot  but the result extorted an
involuntary  Ugh  

Something of daylight still lingered  and the moon was waxing bright  I
could see him plainly   His figure was enveloped in a riding cloak  fur
collared and steel clasped  its details were not apparent  but I traced
the general points of middle height and considerable breadth of chest   He
had a dark face  with stern features and a heavy brow  his eyes and
gathered eyebrows looked ireful and thwarted just now  he was past youth 
but had not reached middle age  perhaps he might be thirty five   I felt
no fear of him  and but little shyness   Had he been a handsome  heroic 
looking young gentleman  I should not have dared to stand thus
questioning him against his will  and offering my services unasked   I
had hardly ever seen a handsome youth  never in my life spoken to one   I
had a theoretical reverence and homage for beauty  elegance  gallantry 
fascination  but had I met those qualities incarnate in masculine shape 
I should have known instinctively that they neither had nor could have
sympathy with anything in me  and should have shunned them as one would
fire  lightning  or anything else that is bright but antipathetic 

If even this stranger had smiled and been good humoured to me when I
addressed him  if he had put off my offer of assistance gaily and with
thanks  I should have gone on my way and not felt any vocation to renew
inquiries  but the frown  the roughness of the traveller  set me at my
ease  I retained my station when he waved to me to go  and announced  

 I cannot think of leaving you  sir  at so late an hour  in this solitary
lane  till I see you are fit to mount your horse  

He looked at me when I said this  he had hardly turned his eyes in my
direction before 

 I should think you ought to be at home yourself   said he   if you have
a home in this neighbourhood  where do you come from  

 From just below  and I am not at all afraid of being out late when it is
moonlight  I will run over to Hay for you with pleasure  if you wish it 
indeed  I am going there to post a letter  

 You live just below  do you mean at that house with the battlements  
pointing to Thornfield Hall  on which the moon cast a hoary gleam 
bringing it out distinct and pale from the woods that  by contrast with
the western sky  now seemed one mass of shadow 

 Yes  sir  

 Whose house is it  

 Mr  Rochester s  

 Do you know Mr  Rochester  

 No  I have never seen him  

 He is not resident  then  

 No  

 Can you tell me where he is  

 I cannot  

 You are not a servant at the hall  of course   You are     He stopped 
ran his eye over my dress  which  as usual  was quite simple  a black
merino cloak  a black beaver bonnet  neither of them half fine enough for
a lady s maid   He seemed puzzled to decide what I was  I helped him 

 I am the governess  

 Ah  the governess   he repeated   deuce take me  if I had not forgotten 
The governess   and again my raiment underwent scrutiny   In two minutes
he rose from the stile  his face expressed pain when he tried to move 

 I cannot commission you to fetch help   he said   but you may help me a
little yourself  if you will be so kind  

 Yes  sir  

 You have not an umbrella that I can use as a stick  

 No  

 Try to get hold of my horse s bridle and lead him to me  you are not
afraid  

I should have been afraid to touch a horse when alone  but when told to
do it  I was disposed to obey   I put down my muff on the stile  and went
up to the tall steed  I endeavoured to catch the bridle  but it was a
spirited thing  and would not let me come near its head  I made effort on
effort  though in vain  meantime  I was mortally afraid of its trampling
fore feet   The traveller waited and watched for some time  and at last
he laughed 

 I was mortally afraid of its trampling forefeet  p107 jpg 

 I see   he said   the mountain will never be brought to Mahomet  so all
you can do is to aid Mahomet to go to the mountain  I must beg of you to
come here  

I came    Excuse me   he continued   necessity compels me to make you
useful    He laid a heavy hand on my shoulder  and leaning on me with
some stress  limped to his horse   Having once caught the bridle  he
mastered it directly and sprang to his saddle  grimacing grimly as he
made the effort  for it wrenched his sprain 

 Now   said he  releasing his under lip from a hard bite   just hand me
my whip  it lies there under the hedge  

I sought it and found it 

 Thank you  now make haste with the letter to Hay  and return as fast as
you can  

A touch of a spurred heel made his horse first start and rear  and then
bound away  the dog rushed in his traces  all three vanished 

    Like heath that  in the wilderness 
   The wild wind whirls away  

I took up my muff and walked on   The incident had occurred and was gone
for me  it  was  an incident of no moment  no romance  no interest in a
sense  yet it marked with change one single hour of a monotonous life   My
help had been needed and claimed  I had given it  I was pleased to have
done something  trivial  transitory though the deed was  it was yet an
active thing  and I was weary of an existence all passive   The new face 
too  was like a new picture introduced to the gallery of memory  and it
was dissimilar to all the others hanging there  firstly  because it was
masculine  and  secondly  because it was dark  strong  and stern   I had
it still before me when I entered Hay  and slipped the letter into the
post office  I saw it as I walked fast down hill all the way home   When
I came to the stile  I stopped a minute  looked round and listened  with
an idea that a horse s hoofs might ring on the causeway again  and that a
rider in a cloak  and a Gytrash like Newfoundland dog  might be again
apparent  I saw only the hedge and a pollard willow before me  rising up
still and straight to meet the moonbeams  I heard only the faintest waft
of wind roaming fitful among the trees round Thornfield  a mile distant 
and when I glanced down in the direction of the murmur  my eye 
traversing the hall front  caught a light kindling in a window  it
reminded me that I was late  and I hurried on 

I did not like re entering Thornfield   To pass its threshold was to
return to stagnation  to cross the silent hall  to ascend the darksome
staircase  to seek my own lonely little room  and then to meet tranquil
Mrs  Fairfax  and spend the long winter evening with her  and her only 
was to quell wholly the faint excitement wakened by my walk   to slip
again over my faculties the viewless fetters of an uniform and too still
existence  of an existence whose very privileges of security and ease I
was becoming incapable of appreciating   What good it would have done me
at that time to have been tossed in the storms of an uncertain struggling
life  and to have been taught by rough and bitter experience to long for
the calm amidst which I now repined   Yes  just as much good as it would
do a man tired of sitting still in a  too easy chair  to take a long
walk  and just as natural was the wish to stir  under my circumstances 
as it would be under his 

I lingered at the gates  I lingered on the lawn  I paced backwards and
forwards on the pavement  the shutters of the glass door were closed  I
could not see into the interior  and both my eyes and spirit seemed drawn
from the gloomy house  from the grey hollow filled with rayless cells  as
it appeared to me  to that sky expanded before me   a blue sea absolved
from taint of cloud  the moon ascending it in solemn march  her orb
seeming to look up as she left the hill tops  from behind which she had
come  far and farther below her  and aspired to the zenith  midnight dark
in its fathomless depth and measureless distance  and for those trembling
stars that followed her course  they made my heart tremble  my veins glow
when I viewed them   Little things recall us to earth  the clock struck
in the hall  that sufficed  I turned from moon and stars  opened a side 
door  and went in 

The hall was not dark  nor yet was it lit  only by the high hung bronze
lamp  a warm glow suffused both it and the lower steps of the oak
staircase   This ruddy shine issued from the great dining room  whose two 
leaved door stood open  and showed a genial fire in the grate  glancing
on marble hearth and brass fire irons  and revealing purple draperies and
polished furniture  in the most pleasant radiance   It revealed  too  a
group near the mantelpiece  I had scarcely caught it  and scarcely become
aware of a cheerful mingling of voices  amongst which I seemed to
distinguish the tones of Adele  when the door closed 

I hastened to Mrs  Fairfax s room  there was a fire there too  but no
candle  and no Mrs  Fairfax   Instead  all alone  sitting upright on the
rug  and gazing with gravity at the blaze  I beheld a great black and
white long haired dog  just like the Gytrash of the lane   It was so like
it that I went forward and said   Pilot  and the thing got up and came to
me and snuffed me   I caressed him  and he wagged his great tail  but he
looked an eerie creature to be alone with  and I could not tell whence he
had come   I rang the bell  for I wanted a candle  and I wanted  too  to
get an account of this visitant   Leah entered 

 What dog is this  

 He came with master  

 With whom  

 With master  Mr  Rochester  he is just arrived  

 Indeed  and is Mrs  Fairfax with him  

 Yes  and Miss Adele  they are in the dining room  and John is gone for a
surgeon  for master has had an accident  his horse fell and his ankle is
sprained  

 Did the horse fall in Hay Lane  

 Yes  coming down hill  it slipped on some ice  

 Ah   Bring me a candle will you Leah  

Leah brought it  she entered  followed by Mrs  Fairfax  who repeated the
news  adding that Mr  Carter the surgeon was come  and was now with Mr 
Rochester  then she hurried out to give orders about tea  and I went
upstairs to take off my things 




CHAPTER XIII


Mr  Rochester  it seems  by the surgeon s orders  went to bed early that
night  nor did he rise soon next morning   When he did come down  it was
to attend to business  his agent and some of his tenants were arrived 
and waiting to speak with him 

Adele and I had now to vacate the library  it would be in daily
requisition as a reception room for callers   A fire was lit in an
apartment upstairs  and there I carried our books  and arranged it for
the future schoolroom   I discerned in the course of the morning that
Thornfield Hall was a changed place  no longer silent as a church  it
echoed every hour or two to a knock at the door  or a clang of the bell 
steps  too  often traversed the hall  and new voices spoke in different
keys below  a rill from the outer world was flowing through it  it had a
master  for my part  I liked it better 

Adele was not easy to teach that day  she could not apply  she kept
running to the door and looking over the banisters to see if she could
get a glimpse of Mr  Rochester  then she coined pretexts to go
downstairs  in order  as I shrewdly suspected  to visit the library 
where I knew she was not wanted  then  when I got a little angry  and
made her sit still  she continued to talk incessantly of her  ami 
Monsieur Edouard Fairfax  de  Rochester   as she dubbed him  I had not
before heard his prenomens   and to conjecture what presents he had
brought her  for it appears he had intimated the night before  that when
his luggage came from Millcote  there would be found amongst it a little
box in whose contents she had an interest 

 Et cela doit signifier   said she   qu il y aura la dedans un cadeau
pour moi  et peut etre pour vous aussi  mademoiselle   Monsieur a parle
de vous  il m a demande le nom de ma gouvernante  et si elle n etait pas
une petite personne  assez mince et un peu pale   J ai dit qu oui  car
c est vrai  n est ce pas  mademoiselle  

I and my pupil dined as usual in Mrs  Fairfax s parlour  the afternoon
was wild and snowy  and we passed it in the schoolroom   At dark I
allowed Adele to put away books and work  and to run downstairs  for 
from the comparative silence below  and from the cessation of appeals to
the door bell  I conjectured that Mr  Rochester was now at liberty   Left
alone  I walked to the window  but nothing was to be seen thence 
twilight and snowflakes together thickened the air  and hid the very
shrubs on the lawn   I let down the curtain and went back to the
fireside 

In the clear embers I was tracing a view  not unlike a picture I
remembered to have seen of the castle of Heidelberg  on the Rhine  when
Mrs  Fairfax came in  breaking up by her entrance the fiery mosaic I had
been piercing together  and scattering too some heavy unwelcome thoughts
that were beginning to throng on my solitude 

 Mr  Rochester would be glad if you and your pupil would take tea with
him in the drawing room this evening   said she   he has been so much
engaged all day that he could not ask to see you before  

 When is his tea time   I inquired 

 Oh  at six o clock  he keeps early hours in the country   You had better
change your frock now  I will go with you and fasten it   Here is a
candle  

 Is it necessary to change my frock  

 Yes  you had better  I always dress for the evening when Mr  Rochester
is here  

This additional ceremony seemed somewhat stately  however  I repaired to
my room  and  with Mrs  Fairfax s aid  replaced my black stuff dress by
one of black silk  the best and the only additional one I had  except one
of light grey  which  in my Lowood notions of the toilette  I thought too
fine to be worn  except on first rate occasions 

 You want a brooch   said Mrs  Fairfax   I had a single little pearl
ornament which Miss Temple gave me as a parting keepsake  I put it on 
and then we went downstairs   Unused as I was to strangers  it was rather
a trial to appear thus formally summoned in Mr  Rochester s presence   I
let Mrs  Fairfax precede me into the dining room  and kept in her shade
as we crossed that apartment  and  passing the arch  whose curtain was
now dropped  entered the elegant recess beyond 

Two wax candles stood lighted on the table  and two on the mantelpiece 
basking in the light and heat of a superb fire  lay Pilot  Adele knelt
near him   Half reclined on a couch appeared Mr  Rochester  his foot
supported by the cushion  he was looking at Adele and the dog  the fire
shone full on his face   I knew my traveller with his broad and jetty
eyebrows  his square forehead  made squarer by the horizontal sweep of
his black hair   I recognised his decisive nose  more remarkable for
character than beauty  his full nostrils  denoting  I thought  choler 
his grim mouth  chin  and jaw  yes  all three were very grim  and no
mistake   His shape  now divested of cloak  I perceived harmonised in
squareness with his physiognomy  I suppose it was a good figure in the
athletic sense of the term  broad chested and thin flanked  though
neither tall nor graceful 

Mr  Rochester must have been aware of the entrance of Mrs  Fairfax and
myself  but it appeared he was not in the mood to notice us  for he never
lifted his head as we approached 

 Here is Miss Eyre  sir   said Mrs  Fairfax  in her quiet way   He bowed 
still not taking his eyes from the group of the dog and child 

 Let Miss Eyre be seated   said he  and there was something in the forced
stiff bow  in the impatient yet formal tone  which seemed further to
express   What the deuce is it to me whether Miss Eyre be there or not 
At this moment I am not disposed to accost her  

I sat down quite disembarrassed   A reception of finished politeness
would probably have confused me  I could not have returned or repaid it
by answering grace and elegance on my part  but harsh caprice laid me
under no obligation  on the contrary  a decent quiescence  under the
freak of manner  gave me the advantage   Besides  the eccentricity of the
proceeding was piquant  I felt interested to see how he would go on 

He went on as a statue would  that is  he neither spoke nor moved   Mrs 
Fairfax seemed to think it necessary that some one should be amiable  and
she began to talk   Kindly  as usual  and  as usual  rather trite  she
condoled with him on the pressure of business he had had all day  on the
annoyance it must have been to him with that painful sprain  then she
commended his patience and perseverance in going through with it 

 Madam  I should like some tea   was the sole rejoinder she got   She
hastened to ring the bell  and when the tray came  she proceeded to
arrange the cups  spoons   c   with assiduous celerity   I and Adele went
to the table  but the master did not leave his couch 

 Will you hand Mr  Rochester s cup   said Mrs  Fairfax to me   Adele
might perhaps spill it  

I did as requested   As he took the cup from my hand  Adele  thinking the
moment propitious for making a request in my favour  cried out  

 N est ce pas  monsieur  qu il y a un cadeau pour Mademoiselle Eyre dans
votre petit coffre  

 Who talks of cadeaux   said he gruffly    Did you expect a present  Miss
Eyre   Are you fond of presents   and he searched my face with eyes that
I saw were dark  irate  and piercing 

 I hardly know  sir  I have little experience of them  they are generally
thought pleasant things  

 Generally thought   But what do  you  think  

 I should be obliged to take time  sir  before I could give you an answer
worthy of your acceptance  a present has many faces to it  has it not 
and one should consider all  before pronouncing an opinion as to its
nature  

 Miss Eyre  you are not so unsophisticated as Adele  she demands a
 cadeau   clamorously  the moment she sees me  you beat about the bush  

 Because I have less confidence in my deserts than Adele has  she can
prefer the claim of old acquaintance  and the right too of custom  for
she says you have always been in the habit of giving her playthings  but
if I had to make out a case I should be puzzled  since I am a stranger 
and have done nothing to entitle me to an acknowledgment  

 Oh  don t fall back on over modesty   I have examined Adele  and find
you have taken great pains with her  she is not bright  she has no
talents  yet in a short time she has made much improvement  

 Sir  you have now given me my  cadeau   I am obliged to you  it is the
meed teachers most covet  praise of their pupils  progress  

 Humph   said Mr  Rochester  and he took his tea in silence 

 Come to the fire   said the master  when the tray was taken away  and
Mrs  Fairfax had settled into a corner with her knitting  while Adele was
leading me by the hand round the room  showing me the beautiful books and
ornaments on the consoles and chiffonnieres   We obeyed  as in duty
bound  Adele wanted to take a seat on my knee  but she was ordered to
amuse herself with Pilot 

 You have been resident in my house three months  

 Yes  sir  

 And you came from    

 From Lowood school  in    shire  

 Ah  a charitable concern   How long were you there  

 Eight years  

 Eight years  you must be tenacious of life   I thought half the time in
such a place would have done up any constitution   No wonder you have
rather the look of another world   I marvelled where you had got that
sort of face   When you came on me in Hay Lane last night  I thought
unaccountably of fairy tales  and had half a mind to demand whether you
had bewitched my horse  I am not sure yet   Who are your parents  

 I have none  

 Nor ever had  I suppose  do you remember them  

 No  

 I thought not   And so you were waiting for your people when you sat on
that stile  

 For whom  sir  

 For the men in green  it was a proper moonlight evening for them   Did I
break through one of your rings  that you spread that damned ice on the
causeway  

I shook my head    The men in green all forsook England a hundred years
ago   said I  speaking as seriously as he had done    And not even in Hay
Lane  or the fields about it  could you find a trace of them   I don t
think either summer or harvest  or winter moon  will ever shine on their
revels more  

Mrs  Fairfax had dropped her knitting  and  with raised eyebrows  seemed
wondering what sort of talk this was 

 Well   resumed Mr  Rochester   if you disown parents  you must have some
sort of kinsfolk  uncles and aunts  

 No  none that I ever saw  

 And your home  

 I have none  

 Where do your brothers and sisters live  

 I have no brothers or sisters  

 Who recommended you to come here  

 I advertised  and Mrs  Fairfax answered my advertisement  

 Yes   said the good lady  who now knew what ground we were upon   and I
am daily thankful for the choice Providence led me to make   Miss Eyre
has been an invaluable companion to me  and a kind and careful teacher to
Adele  

 Don t trouble yourself to give her a character   returned Mr  Rochester 
 eulogiums will not bias me  I shall judge for myself   She began by
felling my horse  

 Sir   said Mrs  Fairfax 

 I have to thank her for this sprain  

The widow looked bewildered 

 Miss Eyre  have you ever lived in a town  

 No  sir  

 Have you seen much society  

 None but the pupils and teachers of Lowood  and now the inmates of
Thornfield  

 Have you read much  

 Only such books as came in my way  and they have not been numerous or
very learned  

 You have lived the life of a nun  no doubt you are well drilled in
religious forms   Brocklehurst  who I understand directs Lowood  is a
parson  is he not  

 Yes  sir  

 And you girls probably worshipped him  as a convent full of religieuses
would worship their director  

 Oh  no  

 You are very cool   No   What  a novice not worship her priest   That
sounds blasphemous  

 I disliked Mr  Brocklehurst  and I was not alone in the feeling   He is
a harsh man  at once pompous and meddling  he cut off our hair  and for
economy s sake bought us bad needles and thread  with which we could
hardly sew  

 That was very false economy   remarked Mrs  Fairfax  who now again
caught the drift of the dialogue 

 And was that the head and front of his offending   demanded Mr 
Rochester 

 He starved us when he had the sole superintendence of the provision
department  before the committee was appointed  and he bored us with long
lectures once a week  and with evening readings from books of his own
inditing  about sudden deaths and judgments  which made us afraid to go
to bed  

 What age were you when you went to Lowood  

 About ten  

 And you stayed there eight years  you are now  then  eighteen  

I assented 

 Arithmetic  you see  is useful  without its aid  I should hardly have
been able to guess your age   It is a point difficult to fix where the
features and countenance are so much at variance as in your case   And
now what did you learn at Lowood   Can you play  

 A little  

 Of course  that is the established answer   Go into the library  I mean 
if you please    Excuse my tone of command  I am used to say   Do this  
and it is done  I cannot alter my customary habits for one new
inmate    Go  then  into the library  take a candle with you  leave the
door open  sit down to the piano  and play a tune  

I departed  obeying his directions 

 Enough   he called out in a few minutes    You play  a little   I see 
like any other English school girl  perhaps rather better than some  but
not well  

I closed the piano and returned   Mr  Rochester continued   Adele showed
me some sketches this morning  which she said were yours   I don t know
whether they were entirely of your doing  probably a master aided you  

 No  indeed   I interjected 

 Ah  that pricks pride   Well  fetch me your portfolio  if you can vouch
for its contents being original  but don t pass your word unless you are
certain  I can recognise patchwork  

 Then I will say nothing  and you shall judge for yourself  sir  

I brought the portfolio from the library 

 Approach the table   said he  and I wheeled it to his couch   Adele and
Mrs  Fairfax drew near to see the pictures 

 No crowding   said Mr  Rochester   take the drawings from my hand as I
finish with them  but don t push your faces up to mine  

He deliberately scrutinised each sketch and painting   Three he laid
aside  the others  when he had examined them  he swept from him 

 Take them off to the other table  Mrs  Fairfax   said he   and look at
them with Adele   you   glancing at me   resume your seat  and answer my
questions   I perceive those pictures were done by one hand  was that
hand yours  

 Yes  

 And when did you find time to do them   They have taken much time  and
some thought  

 I did them in the last two vacations I spent at Lowood  when I had no
other occupation  

 Where did you get your copies  

 Out of my head  

 That head I see now on your shoulders  

 Yes  sir  

 Has it other furniture of the same kind within  

 I should think it may have  I should hope  better  

He spread the pictures before him  and again surveyed them alternately 

While he is so occupied  I will tell you  reader  what they are  and
first  I must premise that they are nothing wonderful   The subjects had 
indeed  risen vividly on my mind   As I saw them with the spiritual eye 
before I attempted to embody them  they were striking  but my hand would
not second my fancy  and in each case it had wrought out but a pale
portrait of the thing I had conceived 

These pictures were in water colours   The first represented clouds low
and livid  rolling over a swollen sea  all the distance was in eclipse 
so  too  was the foreground  or rather  the nearest billows  for there
was no land   One gleam of light lifted into relief a half submerged
mast  on which sat a cormorant  dark and large  with wings flecked with
foam  its beak held a gold bracelet set with gems  that I had touched
with as brilliant tints as my palette could yield  and as glittering
distinctness as my pencil could impart   Sinking below the bird and mast 
a drowned corpse glanced through the green water  a fair arm was the only
limb clearly visible  whence the bracelet had been washed or torn 

The second picture contained for foreground only the dim peak of a hill 
with grass and some leaves slanting as if by a breeze   Beyond and above
spread an expanse of sky  dark blue as at twilight  rising into the sky
was a woman s shape to the bust  portrayed in tints as dusk and soft as I
could combine   The dim forehead was crowned with a star  the lineaments
below were seen as through the suffusion of vapour  the eyes shone dark
and wild  the hair streamed shadowy  like a beamless cloud torn by storm
or by electric travail   On the neck lay a pale reflection like
moonlight  the same faint lustre touched the train of thin clouds from
which rose and bowed this vision of the Evening Star 

The third showed the pinnacle of an iceberg piercing a polar winter sky 
a muster of northern lights reared their dim lances  close serried  along
the horizon   Throwing these into distance  rose  in the foreground  a
head   a colossal head  inclined towards the iceberg  and resting against
it   Two thin hands  joined under the forehead  and supporting it  drew
up before the lower features a sable veil  a brow quite bloodless  white
as bone  and an eye hollow and fixed  blank of meaning but for the
glassiness of despair  alone were visible   Above the temples  amidst
wreathed turban folds of black drapery  vague in its character and
consistency as cloud  gleamed a ring of white flame  gemmed with sparkles
of a more lurid tinge   This pale crescent was  the likeness of a kingly
crown   what it diademed was  the shape which shape had none  

 Were you happy when you painted these pictures   asked Mr  Rochester
presently 

 I was absorbed  sir  yes  and I was happy   To paint them  in short  was
to enjoy one of the keenest pleasures I have ever known  

 That is not saying much   Your pleasures  by your own account  have been
few  but I daresay you did exist in a kind of artist s dreamland while
you blent and arranged these strange tints   Did you sit at them long
each day  

 I had nothing else to do  because it was the vacation  and I sat at them
from morning till noon  and from noon till night  the length of the
midsummer days favoured my inclination to apply  

 And you felt self satisfied with the result of your ardent labours  

 Far from it   I was tormented by the contrast between my idea and my
handiwork  in each case I had imagined something which I was quite
powerless to realise  

 Not quite  you have secured the shadow of your thought  but no more 
probably   You had not enough of the artist s skill and science to give
it full being  yet the drawings are  for a school girl  peculiar   As to
the thoughts  they are elfish   These eyes in the Evening Star you must
have seen in a dream   How could you make them look so clear  and yet not
at all brilliant  for the planet above quells their rays   And what
meaning is that in their solemn depth   And who taught you to paint wind 
There is a high gale in that sky  and on this hill top   Where did you
see Latmos   For that is Latmos   There  put the drawings away  

I had scarce tied the strings of the portfolio  when  looking at his
watch  he said abruptly  

 It is nine o clock  what are you about  Miss Eyre  to let Adele sit up
so long   Take her to bed  

Adele went to kiss him before quitting the room  he endured the caress 
but scarcely seemed to relish it more than Pilot would have done  nor so
much 

 I wish you all good night  now   said he  making a movement of the hand
towards the door  in token that he was tired of our company  and wished
to dismiss us   Mrs  Fairfax folded up her knitting  I took my portfolio 
we curtseyed to him  received a frigid bow in return  and so withdrew 

 You said Mr  Rochester was not strikingly peculiar  Mrs  Fairfax   I
observed  when I rejoined her in her room  after putting Adele to bed 

 Well  is he  

 I think so  he is very changeful and abrupt  

 True  no doubt he may appear so to a stranger  but I am so accustomed to
his manner  I never think of it  and then  if he has peculiarities of
temper  allowance should be made  

 Why  

 Partly because it is his nature  and we can none of us help our nature 
and partly because he has painful thoughts  no doubt  to harass him  and
make his spirits unequal  

 What about  

 Family troubles  for one thing  

 But he has no family  

 Not now  but he has had  or  at least  relatives   He lost his elder
brother a few years since  

 His  elder  brother  

 Yes   The present Mr  Rochester has not been very long in possession of
the property  only about nine years  

 Nine years is a tolerable time   Was he so very fond of his brother as
to be still inconsolable for his loss  

 Why  no  perhaps not   I believe there were some misunderstandings
between them   Mr  Rowland Rochester was not quite just to Mr  Edward 
and perhaps he prejudiced his father against him   The old gentleman was
fond of money  and anxious to keep the family estate together   He did
not like to diminish the property by division  and yet he was anxious
that Mr  Edward should have wealth  too  to keep up the consequence of
the name  and  soon after he was of age  some steps were taken that were
not quite fair  and made a great deal of mischief   Old Mr  Rochester and
Mr  Rowland combined to bring Mr  Edward into what he considered a
painful position  for the sake of making his fortune  what the precise
nature of that position was I never clearly knew  but his spirit could
not brook what he had to suffer in it   He is not very forgiving  he
broke with his family  and now for many years he has led an unsettled
kind of life   I don t think he has ever been resident at Thornfield for
a fortnight together  since the death of his brother without a will left
him master of the estate  and  indeed  no wonder he shuns the old place  

 Why should he shun it  

 Perhaps he thinks it gloomy  

The answer was evasive   I should have liked something clearer  but Mrs 
Fairfax either could not  or would not  give me more explicit information
of the origin and nature of Mr  Rochester s trials   She averred they
were a mystery to herself  and that what she knew was chiefly from
conjecture   It was evident  indeed  that she wished me to drop the
subject  which I did accordingly 




CHAPTER XIV


For several subsequent days I saw little of Mr  Rochester   In the
mornings he seemed much engaged with business  and  in the afternoon 
gentlemen from Millcote or the neighbourhood called  and sometimes stayed
to dine with him   When his sprain was well enough to admit of horse
exercise  he rode out a good deal  probably to return these visits  as he
generally did not come back till late at night 

During this interval  even Adele was seldom sent for to his presence  and
all my acquaintance with him was confined to an occasional rencontre in
the hall  on the stairs  or in the gallery  when he would sometimes pass
me haughtily and coldly  just acknowledging my presence by a distant nod
or a cool glance  and sometimes bow and smile with gentlemanlike
affability   His changes of mood did not offend me  because I saw that I
had nothing to do with their alternation  the ebb and flow depended on
causes quite disconnected with me 

One day he had had company to dinner  and had sent for my portfolio  in
order  doubtless  to exhibit its contents  the gentlemen went away early 
to attend a public meeting at Millcote  as Mrs  Fairfax informed me  but
the night being wet and inclement  Mr  Rochester did not accompany them 
Soon after they were gone he rang the bell  a message came that I and
Adele were to go downstairs   I brushed Adele s hair and made her neat 
and having ascertained that I was myself in my usual Quaker trim  where
there was nothing to retouch  all being too close and plain  braided
locks included  to admit of disarrangement  we descended  Adele wondering
whether the  petit coffre  was at length come  for  owing to some
mistake  its arrival had hitherto been delayed   She was gratified  there
it stood  a little carton  on the table when we entered the dining room 
She appeared to know it by instinct 

 Ma boite  ma boite   exclaimed she  running towards it 

 Yes  there is your  boite  at last  take it into a corner  you genuine
daughter of Paris  and amuse yourself with disembowelling it   said the
deep and rather sarcastic voice of Mr  Rochester  proceeding from the
depths of an immense easy chair at the fireside    And mind   he
continued   don t bother me with any details of the anatomical process 
or any notice of the condition of the entrails  let your operation be
conducted in silence  tiens toi tranquille  enfant  comprends tu  

Adele seemed scarcely to need the warning  she had already retired to a
sofa with her treasure  and was busy untying the cord which secured the
lid   Having removed this impediment  and lifted certain silvery
envelopes of tissue paper  she merely exclaimed  

 Oh ciel   Que c est beau   and then remained absorbed in ecstatic
contemplation 

 Is Miss Eyre there   now demanded the master  half rising from his seat
to look round to the door  near which I still stood 

 Ah  well  come forward  be seated here    He drew a chair near his own 
 I am not fond of the prattle of children   he continued   for  old
bachelor as I am  I have no pleasant associations connected with their
lisp   It would be intolerable to me to pass a whole evening
 tete a tete  with a brat   Don t draw that chair farther off  Miss Eyre 
sit down exactly where I placed it  if you please  that is   Confound
these civilities   I continually forget them   Nor do I particularly
affect simple minded old ladies   By the bye  I must have mine in mind 
it won t do to neglect her  she is a Fairfax  or wed to one  and blood is
said to be thicker than water  

He rang  and despatched an invitation to Mrs  Fairfax  who soon arrived 
knitting basket in hand 

 Good evening  madam  I sent to you for a charitable purpose   I have
forbidden Adele to talk to me about her presents  and she is bursting
with repletion  have the goodness to serve her as auditress and
interlocutrice  it will be one of the most benevolent acts you ever
performed  

Adele  indeed  no sooner saw Mrs  Fairfax  than she summoned her to her
sofa  and there quickly filled her lap with the porcelain  the ivory  the
waxen contents of her  boite   pouring out  meantime  explanations and
raptures in such broken English as she was mistress of 

 Now I have performed the part of a good host   pursued Mr  Rochester 
 put my guests into the way of amusing each other  I ought to be at
liberty to attend to my own pleasure   Miss Eyre  draw your chair still a
little farther forward  you are yet too far back  I cannot see you
without disturbing my position in this comfortable chair  which I have no
mind to do  

I did as I was bid  though I would much rather have remained somewhat in
the shade  but Mr  Rochester had such a direct way of giving orders  it
seemed a matter of course to obey him promptly 

We were  as I have said  in the dining room  the lustre  which had been
lit for dinner  filled the room with a festal breadth of light  the large
fire was all red and clear  the purple curtains hung rich and ample
before the lofty window and loftier arch  everything was still  save the
subdued chat of Adele  she dared not speak loud   and  filling up each
pause  the beating of winter rain against the panes 

Mr  Rochester  as he sat in his damask covered chair  looked different to
what I had seen him look before  not quite so stern  much less gloomy 
There was a smile on his lips  and his eyes sparkled  whether with wine
or not  I am not sure  but I think it very probable   He was  in short 
in his after dinner mood  more expanded and genial  and also more self 
indulgent than the frigid and rigid temper of the morning  still he
looked preciously grim  cushioning his massive head against the swelling
back of his chair  and receiving the light of the fire on his granite 
hewn features  and in his great  dark eyes  for he had great  dark eyes 
and very fine eyes  too  not without a certain change in their depths
sometimes  which  if it was not softness  reminded you  at least  of that
feeling 

He had been looking two minutes at the fire  and I had been looking the
same length of time at him  when  turning suddenly  he caught my gaze
fastened on his physiognomy 

 You examine me  Miss Eyre   said he   do you think me handsome  

I should  if I had deliberated  have replied to this question by
something conventionally vague and polite  but the answer somehow slipped
from my tongue before I was aware   No  sir  

 Ah   By my word  there is something singular about you   said he   you
have the air of a little  nonnette   quaint  quiet  grave  and simple  as
you sit with your hands before you  and your eyes generally bent on the
carpet  except  by the bye  when they are directed piercingly to my face 
as just now  for instance   and when one asks you a question  or makes a
remark to which you are obliged to reply  you rap out a round rejoinder 
which  if not blunt  is at least brusque   What do you mean by it  

 Sir  I was too plain  I beg your pardon   I ought to have replied that
it was not easy to give an impromptu answer to a question about
appearances  that tastes mostly differ  and that beauty is of little
consequence  or something of that sort  

 You ought to have replied no such thing   Beauty of little consequence 
indeed   And so  under pretence of softening the previous outrage  of
stroking and soothing me into placidity  you stick a sly penknife under
my ear   Go on  what fault do you find with me  pray   I suppose I have
all my limbs and all my features like any other man  

 Mr  Rochester  allow me to disown my first answer  I intended no pointed
repartee  it was only a blunder  

 Just so  I think so  and you shall be answerable for it   Criticise me 
does my forehead not please you  

He lifted up the sable waves of hair which lay horizontally over his
brow  and showed a solid enough mass of intellectual organs  but an
abrupt deficiency where the suave sign of benevolence should have risen 

 Now  ma am  am I a fool  

 Far from it  sir   You would  perhaps  think me rude if I inquired in
return whether you are a philanthropist  

 There again   Another stick of the penknife  when she pretended to pat
my head  and that is because I said I did not like the society of
children and old women  low be it spoken     No  young lady  I am not a
general philanthropist  but I bear a conscience   and he pointed to the
prominences which are said to indicate that faculty  and which 
fortunately for him  were sufficiently conspicuous  giving  indeed  a
marked breadth to the upper part of his head   and  besides  I once had a
kind of rude tenderness of heart   When I was as old as you  I was a
feeling fellow enough  partial to the unfledged  unfostered  and unlucky 
but Fortune has knocked me about since  she has even kneaded me with her
knuckles  and now I flatter myself I am hard and tough as an India rubber
ball  pervious  though  through a chink or two still  and with one
sentient point in the middle of the lump   Yes  does that leave hope for
me  

 Hope of what  sir  

 Of my final re transformation from India rubber back to flesh  

 Decidedly he has had too much wine   I thought  and I did not know what
answer to make to his queer question  how could I tell whether he was
capable of being re transformed 

 You looked very much puzzled  Miss Eyre  and though you are not pretty
any more than I am handsome  yet a puzzled air becomes you  besides  it
is convenient  for it keeps those searching eyes of yours away from my
physiognomy  and busies them with the worsted flowers of the rug  so
puzzle on   Young lady  I am disposed to be gregarious and communicative
to night  

With this announcement he rose from his chair  and stood  leaning his arm
on the marble mantelpiece  in that attitude his shape was seen plainly as
well as his face  his unusual breadth of chest  disproportionate almost
to his length of limb   I am sure most people would have thought him an
ugly man  yet there was so much unconscious pride in his port  so much
ease in his demeanour  such a look of complete indifference to his own
external appearance  so haughty a reliance on the power of other
qualities  intrinsic or adventitious  to atone for the lack of mere
personal attractiveness  that  in looking at him  one inevitably shared
the indifference  and  even in a blind  imperfect sense  put faith in the
confidence 

 I am disposed to be gregarious and communicative to night   he repeated 
 and that is why I sent for you  the fire and the chandelier were not
sufficient company for me  nor would Pilot have been  for none of these
can talk   Adele is a degree better  but still far below the mark  Mrs 
Fairfax ditto  you  I am persuaded  can suit me if you will  you puzzled
me the first evening I invited you down here   I have almost forgotten
you since  other ideas have driven yours from my head  but to night I am
resolved to be at ease  to dismiss what importunes  and recall what
pleases   It would please me now to draw you out  to learn more of
you  therefore speak  

Instead of speaking  I smiled  and not a very complacent or submissive
smile either 

 Speak   he urged 

 What about  sir  

 Whatever you like   I leave both the choice of subject and the manner of
treating it entirely to yourself  

Accordingly I sat and said nothing   If he expects me to talk for the
mere sake of talking and showing off  he will find he has addressed
himself to the wrong person   I thought 

 You are dumb  Miss Eyre  

I was dumb still   He bent his head a little towards me  and with a
single hasty glance seemed to dive into my eyes 

 Stubborn   he said   and annoyed   Ah  it is consistent   I put my
request in an absurd  almost insolent form   Miss Eyre  I beg your
pardon   The fact is  once for all  I don t wish to treat you like an
inferior  that is   correcting himself    I claim only such superiority
as must result from twenty years  difference in age and a century s
advance in experience   This is legitimate   et j y tiens   as Adele
would say  and it is by virtue of this superiority  and this alone  that
I desire you to have the goodness to talk to me a little now  and divert
my thoughts  which are galled with dwelling on one point  cankering as a
rusty nail  

He had deigned an explanation  almost an apology  and I did not feel
insensible to his condescension  and would not seem so 

 I am willing to amuse you  if I can  sir  quite willing  but I cannot
introduce a topic  because how do I know what will interest you   Ask me
questions  and I will do my best to answer them  

 Then  in the first place  do you agree with me that I have a right to be
a little masterful  abrupt  perhaps exacting  sometimes  on the grounds I
stated  namely  that I am old enough to be your father  and that I have
battled through a varied experience with many men of many nations  and
roamed over half the globe  while you have lived quietly with one set of
people in one house  

 Do as you please  sir  

 That is no answer  or rather it is a very irritating  because a very
evasive one   Reply clearly  

 I don t think  sir  you have a right to command me  merely because you
are older than I  or because you have seen more of the world than I have 
your claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time
and experience  

 Humph   Promptly spoken   But I won t allow that  seeing that it would
never suit my case  as I have made an indifferent  not to say a bad  use
of both advantages   Leaving superiority out of the question  then  you
must still agree to receive my orders now and then  without being piqued
or hurt by the tone of command   Will you  

I smiled  I thought to myself Mr  Rochester  is  peculiar  he seems to
forget that he pays me 30 pounds per annum for receiving his orders 

 The smile is very well   said he  catching instantly the passing
expression   but speak too  

 I was thinking  sir  that very few masters would trouble themselves to
inquire whether or not their paid subordinates were piqued and hurt by
their orders  

 Paid subordinates   What  you are my paid subordinate  are you   Oh yes 
I had forgotten the salary   Well then  on that mercenary ground  will
you agree to let me hector a little  

 No  sir  not on that ground  but  on the ground that you did forget it 
and that you care whether or not a dependent is comfortable in his
dependency  I agree heartily  

 And will you consent to dispense with a great many conventional forms
and phrases  without thinking that the omission arises from insolence  

 I am sure  sir  I should never mistake informality for insolence  one I
rather like  the other nothing free born would submit to  even for a
salary  

 Humbug   Most things free born will submit to anything for a salary 
therefore  keep to yourself  and don t venture on generalities of which
you are intensely ignorant   However  I mentally shake hands with you for
your answer  despite its inaccuracy  and as much for the manner in which
it was said  as for the substance of the speech  the manner was frank and
sincere  one does not often see such a manner  no  on the contrary 
affectation  or coldness  or stupid  coarse minded misapprehension of
one s meaning are the usual rewards of candour   Not three in three
thousand raw school girl governesses would have answered me as you have
just done   But I don t mean to flatter you  if you are cast in a
different mould to the majority  it is no merit of yours  Nature did it 
And then  after all  I go too fast in my conclusions  for what I yet
know  you may be no better than the rest  you may have intolerable
defects to counterbalance your few good points  

 And so may you   I thought   My eye met his as the idea crossed my mind 
he seemed to read the glance  answering as if its import had been spoken
as well as imagined  

 Yes  yes  you are right   said he   I have plenty of faults of my own  I
know it  and I don t wish to palliate them  I assure you   God wot I need
not be too severe about others  I have a past existence  a series of
deeds  a colour of life to contemplate within my own breast  which might
well call my sneers and censures from my neighbours to myself   I
started  or rather  for like other defaulters  I like to lay half the
blame on ill fortune and adverse circumstances  was thrust on to a wrong
tack at the age of one and twenty  and have never recovered the right
course since  but I might have been very different  I might have been as
good as you  wiser  almost as stainless   I envy you your peace of mind 
your clean conscience  your unpolluted memory   Little girl  a memory
without blot or contamination must be an exquisite treasure  an
inexhaustible source of pure refreshment  is it not  

 How was your memory when you were eighteen  sir  

 All right then  limpid  salubrious  no gush of bilge water had turned it
to fetid puddle   I was your equal at eighteen  quite your equal   Nature
meant me to be  on the whole  a good man  Miss Eyre  one of the better
kind  and you see I am not so   You would say you don t see it  at least
I flatter myself I read as much in your eye  beware  by the bye  what you
express with that organ  I am quick at interpreting its language    Then
take my word for it   I am not a villain  you are not to suppose that  not
to attribute to me any such bad eminence  but  owing  I verily believe 
rather to circumstances than to my natural bent  I am a trite commonplace
sinner  hackneyed in all the poor petty dissipations with which the rich
and worthless try to put on life   Do you wonder that I avow this to you 
Know  that in the course of your future life you will often find yourself
elected the involuntary confidant of your acquaintances  secrets  people
will instinctively find out  as I have done  that it is not your forte to
tell of yourself  but to listen while others talk of themselves  they
will feel  too  that you listen with no malevolent scorn of their
indiscretion  but with a kind of innate sympathy  not the less comforting
and encouraging because it is very unobtrusive in its manifestations  

 How do you know   how can you guess all this  sir  

 I know it well  therefore I proceed almost as freely as if I were
writing my thoughts in a diary   You would say  I should have been
superior to circumstances  so I should  so I should  but you see I was
not   When fate wronged me  I had not the wisdom to remain cool  I turned
desperate  then I degenerated   Now  when any vicious simpleton excites
my disgust by his paltry ribaldry  I cannot flatter myself that I am
better than he  I am forced to confess that he and I are on a level   I
wish I had stood firm  God knows I do   Dread remorse when you are
tempted to err  Miss Eyre  remorse is the poison of life  

 Repentance is said to be its cure  sir  

 It is not its cure   Reformation may be its cure  and I could reform  I
have strength yet for that  if  but where is the use of thinking of it 
hampered  burdened  cursed as I am   Besides  since happiness is
irrevocably denied me  I have a right to get pleasure out of life  and I
 will  get it  cost what it may  

 Then you will degenerate still more  sir  

 Possibly  yet why should I  if I can get sweet  fresh pleasure   And I
may get it as sweet and fresh as the wild honey the bee gathers on the
moor  

 It will sting  it will taste bitter  sir  

 How do you know   you never tried it   How very serious  how very solemn
you look  and you are as ignorant of the matter as this cameo head 
 taking one from the mantelpiece     You have no right to preach to me 
you neophyte  that have not passed the porch of life  and are absolutely
unacquainted with its mysteries  

 I only remind you of your own words  sir  you said error brought
remorse  and you pronounced remorse the poison of existence  

 And who talks of error now   I scarcely think the notion that flittered
across my brain was an error   I believe it was an inspiration rather
than a temptation  it was very genial  very soothing  I know that   Here
it comes again   It is no devil  I assure you  or if it be  it has put on
the robes of an angel of light   I think I must admit so fair a guest
when it asks entrance to my heart  

 Distrust it  sir  it is not a true angel  

 Once more  how do you know   By what instinct do you pretend to
distinguish between a fallen seraph of the abyss and a messenger from the
eternal throne  between a guide and a seducer  

 I judged by your countenance  sir  which was troubled when you said the
suggestion had returned upon you   I feel sure it will work you more
misery if you listen to it  

 Not at all  it bears the most gracious message in the world  for the
rest  you are not my conscience keeper  so don t make yourself uneasy 
Here  come in  bonny wanderer  

He said this as if he spoke to a vision  viewless to any eye but his own 
then  folding his arms  which he had half extended  on his chest  he
seemed to enclose in their embrace the invisible being 

 Now   he continued  again addressing me   I have received the pilgrim  a
disguised deity  as I verily believe   Already it has done me good  my
heart was a sort of charnel  it will now be a shrine  

 To speak truth  sir  I don t understand you at all  I cannot keep up the
conversation  because it has got out of my depth   Only one thing  I
know  you said you were not as good as you should like to be  and that
you regretted your own imperfection   one thing I can comprehend  you
intimated that to have a sullied memory was a perpetual bane   It seems
to me  that if you tried hard  you would in time find it possible to
become what you yourself would approve  and that if from this day you
began with resolution to correct your thoughts and actions  you would in
a few years have laid up a new and stainless store of recollections  to
which you might revert with pleasure  

 Justly thought  rightly said  Miss Eyre  and  at this moment  I am
paving hell with energy  

 Sir  

 I am laying down good intentions  which I believe durable as flint 
Certainly  my associates and pursuits shall be other than they have
been  

 And better  

 And better  so much better as pure ore is than foul dross   You seem to
doubt me  I don t doubt myself  I know what my aim is  what my motives
are  and at this moment I pass a law  unalterable as that of the Medes
and Persians  that both are right  

 They cannot be  sir  if they require a new statute to legalise them  

 They are  Miss Eyre  though they absolutely require a new statute 
unheard of combinations of circumstances demand unheard of rules  

 That sounds a dangerous maxim  sir  because one can see at once that it
is liable to abuse  

 Sententious sage  so it is  but I swear by my household gods not to
abuse it  

 You are human and fallible  

 I am  so are you  what then  

 The human and fallible should not arrogate a power with which the divine
and perfect alone can be safely intrusted  

 What power  

 That of saying of any strange  unsanctioned line of action    Let it be
right   

  Let it be right   the very words  you have pronounced them  

  May  it be right then   I said  as I rose  deeming it useless to
continue a discourse which was all darkness to me  and  besides  sensible
that the character of my interlocutor was beyond my penetration  at
least  beyond its present reach  and feeling the uncertainty  the vague
sense of insecurity  which accompanies a conviction of ignorance 

 Where are you going  

 To put Adele to bed  it is past her bedtime  

 You are afraid of me  because I talk like a Sphynx  

 Your language is enigmatical  sir  but though I am bewildered  I am
certainly not afraid  

 You  are  afraid  your self love dreads a blunder  

 In that sense I do feel apprehensive  I have no wish to talk nonsense  

 If you did  it would be in such a grave  quiet manner  I should mistake
it for sense   Do you never laugh  Miss Eyre   Don t trouble yourself to
answer  I see you laugh rarely  but you can laugh very merrily  believe
me  you are not naturally austere  any more than I am naturally vicious 
The Lowood constraint still clings to you somewhat  controlling your
features  muffling your voice  and restricting your limbs  and you fear
in the presence of a man and a brother  or father  or master  or what you
will  to smile too gaily  speak too freely  or move too quickly  but  in
time  I think you will learn to be natural with me  as I find it
impossible to be conventional with you  and then your looks and movements
will have more vivacity and variety than they dare offer now   I see at
intervals the glance of a curious sort of bird through the close set bars
of a cage  a vivid  restless  resolute captive is there  were it but
free  it would soar cloud high   You are still bent on going  

 It has struck nine  sir  

 Never mind   wait a minute  Adele is not ready to go to bed yet   My
position  Miss Eyre  with my back to the fire  and my face to the room 
favours observation   While talking to you  I have also occasionally
watched Adele  I have my own reasons for thinking her a curious
study   reasons that I may  nay  that I shall  impart to you some day  
She pulled out of her box  about ten minutes ago  a little pink silk
frock  rapture lit her face as she unfolded it  coquetry runs in her
blood  blends with her brains  and seasons the marrow of her bones    Il
faut que je l essaie   cried she   et a l instant meme   and she rushed
out of the room   She is now with Sophie  undergoing a robing process  in
a few minutes she will re enter  and I know what I shall see   a
miniature of Celine Varens  as she used to appear on the boards at the
rising of  But never mind that   However  my tenderest feelings are about
to receive a shock  such is my presentiment  stay now  to see whether it
will be realised  

Ere long  Adele s little foot was heard tripping across the hall   She
entered  transformed as her guardian had predicted   A dress of
rose coloured satin  very short  and as full in the skirt as it could be
gathered  replaced the brown frock she had previously worn  a wreath of
rosebuds circled her forehead  her feet were dressed in silk stockings
and small white satin sandals 

 Est ce que ma robe va bien   cried she  bounding forwards   et mes
souliers  et mes bas   Tenez  je crois que je vais danser  

And spreading out her dress  she chasseed across the room till  having
reached Mr  Rochester  she wheeled lightly round before him on tip toe 
then dropped on one knee at his feet  exclaiming  

 Monsieur  je vous remercie mille fois de votre bonte   then rising  she
added   C est comme cela que maman faisait  n est ce pas  monsieur  

 Pre cise ly   was the answer   and   comme cela   she charmed my English
gold out of my British breeches  pocket   I have been green  too  Miss
Eyre   ay  grass green  not a more vernal tint freshens you now than once
freshened me   My Spring is gone  however  but it has left me that French
floweret on my hands  which  in some moods  I would fain be rid of   Not
valuing now the root whence it sprang  having found that it was of a sort
which nothing but gold dust could manure  I have but half a liking to the
blossom  especially when it looks so artificial as just now   I keep it
and rear it rather on the Roman Catholic principle of expiating numerous
sins  great or small  by one good work   I ll explain all this some day 
Good night  




CHAPTER XV


Mr  Rochester did  on a future occasion  explain it   It was one
afternoon  when he chanced to meet me and Adele in the grounds  and while
she played with Pilot and her shuttlecock  he asked me to walk up and
down a long beech avenue within sight of her 

He then said that she was the daughter of a French opera dancer  Celine
Varens  towards whom he had once cherished what he called a   grande
passion     This passion Celine had professed to return with even
superior ardour   He thought himself her idol  ugly as he was  he
believed  as he said  that she preferred his   taille d athlete   to the
elegance of the Apollo Belvidere 

 And  Miss Eyre  so much was I flattered by this preference of the Gallic
sylph for her British gnome  that I installed her in an hotel  gave her a
complete establishment of servants  a carriage  cashmeres  diamonds 
dentelles   c   In short  I began the process of ruining myself in the
received style  like any other spoony   I had not  it seems  the
originality to chalk out a new road to shame and destruction  but trode
the old track with stupid exactness not to deviate an inch from the
beaten centre   I had  as I deserved to have  the fate of all other
spoonies   Happening to call one evening when Celine did not expect me  I
found her out  but it was a warm night  and I was tired with strolling
through Paris  so I sat down in her boudoir  happy to breathe the air
consecrated so lately by her presence   No   I exaggerate  I never
thought there was any consecrating virtue about her  it was rather a sort
of pastille perfume she had left  a scent of musk and amber  than an
odour of sanctity   I was just beginning to stifle with the fumes of
conservatory flowers and sprinkled essences  when I bethought myself to
open the window and step out on to the balcony   It was moonlight and
gaslight besides  and very still and serene   The balcony was furnished
with a chair or two  I sat down  and took out a cigar   I will take one
now  if you will excuse me  

Here ensued a pause  filled up by the producing and lighting of a cigar 
having placed it to his lips and breathed a trail of Havannah incense on
the freezing and sunless air  he went on  

 I liked bonbons too in those days  Miss Eyre  and I was
 croquant    overlook the barbarism    croquant  chocolate comfits  and
smoking alternately  watching meantime the equipages that rolled along
the fashionable streets towards the neighbouring opera house  when in an
elegant close carriage drawn by a beautiful pair of English horses  and
distinctly seen in the brilliant city night  I recognised the  voiture  I
had given Celine   She was returning  of course my heart thumped with
impatience against the iron rails I leant upon   The carriage stopped  as
I had expected  at the hotel door  my flame  that is the very word for an
opera inamorata  alighted  though muffed in a cloak  an unnecessary
encumbrance  by the bye  on so warm a June evening  I knew her instantly
by her little foot  seen peeping from the skirt of her dress  as she
skipped from the carriage step   Bending over the balcony  I was about to
murmur  Mon ange   in a tone  of course  which should be audible to the
ear of love alone  when a figure jumped from the carriage after her 
cloaked also  but that was a spurred heel which had rung on the pavement 
and that was a hatted head which now passed under the arched  porte
cochere  of the hotel 

 You never felt jealousy  did you  Miss Eyre   Of course not  I need not
ask you  because you never felt love   You have both sentiments yet to
experience  your soul sleeps  the shock is yet to be given which shall
waken it   You think all existence lapses in as quiet a flow as that in
which your youth has hitherto slid away   Floating on with closed eyes
and muffled ears  you neither see the rocks bristling not far off in the
bed of the flood  nor hear the breakers boil at their base   But I tell
you  and you may mark my words  you will come some day to a craggy pass
in the channel  where the whole of life s stream will be broken up into
whirl and tumult  foam and noise  either you will be dashed to atoms on
crag points  or lifted up and borne on by some master wave into a calmer
current  as I am now 

 I like this day  I like that sky of steel  I like the sternness and
stillness of the world under this frost   I like Thornfield  its
antiquity  its retirement  its old crow trees and thorn trees  its grey
facade  and lines of dark windows reflecting that metal welkin  and yet
how long have I abhorred the very thought of it  shunned it like a great
plague house   How I do still abhor   

He ground his teeth and was silent  he arrested his step and struck his
boot against the hard ground   Some hated thought seemed to have him in
its grip  and to hold him so tightly that he could not advance 

We were ascending the avenue when he thus paused  the hall was before us 
Lifting his eye to its battlements  he cast over them a glare such as I
never saw before or since   Pain  shame  ire  impatience  disgust 
detestation  seemed momentarily to hold a quivering conflict in the large
pupil dilating under his ebon eyebrow   Wild was the wrestle which should
be paramount  but another feeling rose and triumphed  something hard and
cynical  self willed and resolute  it settled his passion and petrified
his countenance  he went on  

 During the moment I was silent  Miss Eyre  I was arranging a point with
my destiny   She stood there  by that beech trunk  a hag like one of
those who appeared to Macbeth on the heath of Forres    You like
Thornfield   she said  lifting her finger  and then she wrote in the air
a memento  which ran in lurid hieroglyphics all along the house front 
between the upper and lower row of windows   Like it if you can   Like it
if you dare  

  I will like it   said I   I dare like it   and   he subjoined moodily 
 I will keep my word  I will break obstacles to happiness  to
goodness  yes  goodness   I wish to be a better man than I have been 
than I am  as Job s leviathan broke the spear  the dart  and the
habergeon  hindrances which others count as iron and brass  I will esteem
but straw and rotten wood  

Adele here ran before him with her shuttlecock    Away   he cried
harshly   keep at a distance  child  or go in to Sophie    Continuing
then to pursue his walk in silence  I ventured to recall him to the point
whence he had abruptly diverged  

 Did you leave the balcony  sir   I asked   when Mdlle  Varens entered  

I almost expected a rebuff for this hardly well timed question  but  on
the contrary  waking out of his scowling abstraction  he turned his eyes
towards me  and the shade seemed to clear off his brow    Oh  I had
forgotten Celine   Well  to resume   When I saw my charmer thus come in
accompanied by a cavalier  I seemed to hear a hiss  and the green snake
of jealousy  rising on undulating coils from the moonlit balcony  glided
within my waistcoat  and ate its way in two minutes to my heart s core 
Strange   he exclaimed  suddenly starting again from the point    Strange
that I should choose you for the confidant of all this  young lady 
passing strange that you should listen to me quietly  as if it were the
most usual thing in the world for a man like me to tell stories of his
opera mistresses to a quaint  inexperienced girl like you   But the last
singularity explains the first  as I intimated once before  you  with
your gravity  considerateness  and caution were made to be the recipient
of secrets   Besides  I know what sort of a mind I have placed in
communication with my own  I know it is one not liable to take infection 
it is a peculiar mind  it is a unique one   Happily I do not mean to harm
it  but  if I did  it would not take harm from me   The more you and I
converse  the better  for while I cannot blight you  you may refresh me  
After this digression he proceeded  

 I remained in the balcony    They will come to her boudoir  no doubt  
thought I   let me prepare an ambush    So putting my hand in through the
open window  I drew the curtain over it  leaving only an opening through
which I could take observations  then I closed the casement  all but a
chink just wide enough to furnish an outlet to lovers  whispered vows 
then I stole back to my chair  and as I resumed it the pair came in   My
eye was quickly at the aperture   Celine s chamber maid entered  lit a
lamp  left it on the table  and withdrew   The couple were thus revealed
to me clearly  both removed their cloaks  and there was  the Varens  
shining in satin and jewels   my gifts of course   and there was her
companion in an officer s uniform  and I knew him for a young roue of a
vicomte  a brainless and vicious youth whom I had sometimes met in
society  and had never thought of hating because I despised him so
absolutely   On recognising him  the fang of the snake Jealousy was
instantly broken  because at the same moment my love for Celine sank
under an extinguisher   A woman who could betray me for such a rival was
not worth contending for  she deserved only scorn  less  however  than I 
who had been her dupe 

 They began to talk  their conversation eased me completely  frivolous 
mercenary  heartless  and senseless  it was rather calculated to weary
than enrage a listener   A card of mine lay on the table  this being
perceived  brought my name under discussion   Neither of them possessed
energy or wit to belabour me soundly  but they insulted me as coarsely as
they could in their little way  especially Celine  who even waxed rather
brilliant on my personal defects  deformities she termed them   Now it
had been her custom to launch out into fervent admiration of what she
called my   beaute male    wherein she differed diametrically from you 
who told me point blank  at the second interview  that you did not think
me handsome   The contrast struck me at the time and   

Adele here came running up again 

 Monsieur  John has just been to say that your agent has called and
wishes to see you  

 Ah  in that case I must abridge   Opening the window  I walked in upon
them  liberated Celine from my protection  gave her notice to vacate her
hotel  offered her a purse for immediate exigencies  disregarded screams 
hysterics  prayers  protestations  convulsions  made an appointment with
the vicomte for a meeting at the Bois de Boulogne   Next morning I had
the pleasure of encountering him  left a bullet in one of his poor
etiolated arms  feeble as the wing of a chicken in the pip  and then
thought I had done with the whole crew   But unluckily the Varens  six
months before  had given me this filette Adele  who  she affirmed  was my
daughter  and perhaps she may be  though I see no proofs of such grim
paternity written in her countenance  Pilot is more like me than she 
Some years after I had broken with the mother  she abandoned her child 
and ran away to Italy with a musician or singer   I acknowledged no
natural claim on Adele s part to be supported by me  nor do I now
acknowledge any  for I am not her father  but hearing that she was quite
destitute  I e en took the poor thing out of the slime and mud of Paris 
and transplanted it here  to grow up clean in the wholesome soil of an
English country garden   Mrs  Fairfax found you to train it  but now you
know that it is the illegitimate offspring of a French opera girl  you
will perhaps think differently of your post and protegee  you will be
coming to me some day with notice that you have found another place  that
you beg me to look out for a new governess   c   Eh  

 No  Adele is not answerable for either her mother s faults or yours  I
have a regard for her  and now that I know she is  in a sense 
parentless  forsaken by her mother and disowned by you  sir  I shall
cling closer to her than before   How could I possibly prefer the spoilt
pet of a wealthy family  who would hate her governess as a nuisance  to a
lonely little orphan  who leans towards her as a friend  

 Oh  that is the light in which you view it   Well  I must go in now  and
you too  it darkens  

But I stayed out a few minutes longer with Adele and Pilot  ran a race
with her  and played a game of battledore and shuttlecock   When we went
in  and I had removed her bonnet and coat  I took her on my knee  kept
her there an hour  allowing her to prattle as she liked  not rebuking
even some little freedoms and trivialities into which she was apt to
stray when much noticed  and which betrayed in her a superficiality of
character  inherited probably from her mother  hardly congenial to an
English mind   Still she had her merits  and I was disposed to appreciate
all that was good in her to the utmost   I sought in her countenance and
features a likeness to Mr  Rochester  but found none  no trait  no turn
of expression announced relationship   It was a pity  if she could but
have been proved to resemble him  he would have thought more of her 

It was not till after I had withdrawn to my own chamber for the night 
that I steadily reviewed the tale Mr  Rochester had told me   As he had
said  there was probably nothing at all extraordinary in the substance of
the narrative itself  a wealthy Englishman s passion for a French dancer 
and her treachery to him  were every day matters enough  no doubt  in
society  but there was something decidedly strange in the paroxysm of
emotion which had suddenly seized him when he was in the act of
expressing the present contentment of his mood  and his newly revived
pleasure in the old hall and its environs   I meditated wonderingly on
this incident  but gradually quitting it  as I found it for the present
inexplicable  I turned to the consideration of my master s manner to
myself   The confidence he had thought fit to repose in me seemed a
tribute to my discretion  I regarded and accepted it as such   His
deportment had now for some weeks been more uniform towards me than at
the first   I never seemed in his way  he did not take fits of chilling
hauteur  when he met me unexpectedly  the encounter seemed welcome  he
had always a word and sometimes a smile for me  when summoned by formal
invitation to his presence  I was honoured by a cordiality of reception
that made me feel I really possessed the power to amuse him  and that
these evening conferences were sought as much for his pleasure as for my
benefit 

I  indeed  talked comparatively little  but I heard him talk with relish 
It was his nature to be communicative  he liked to open to a mind
unacquainted with the world glimpses of its scenes and ways  I do not
mean its corrupt scenes and wicked ways  but such as derived their
interest from the great scale on which they were acted  the strange
novelty by which they were characterised   and I had a keen delight in
receiving the new ideas he offered  in imagining the new pictures he
portrayed  and following him in thought through the new regions he
disclosed  never startled or troubled by one noxious allusion 

The ease of his manner freed me from painful restraint  the friendly
frankness  as correct as cordial  with which he treated me  drew me to
him   I felt at times as if he were my relation rather than my master 
yet he was imperious sometimes still  but I did not mind that  I saw it
was his way   So happy  so gratified did I become with this new interest
added to life  that I ceased to pine after kindred  my thin
crescent destiny seemed to enlarge  the blanks of existence were filled
up  my bodily health improved  I gathered flesh and strength 

And was Mr  Rochester now ugly in my eyes   No  reader  gratitude  and
many associations  all pleasurable and genial  made his face the object I
best liked to see  his presence in a room was more cheering than the
brightest fire   Yet I had not forgotten his faults  indeed  I could not 
for he brought them frequently before me   He was proud  sardonic  harsh
to inferiority of every description  in my secret soul I knew that his
great kindness to me was balanced by unjust severity to many others   He
was moody  too  unaccountably so  I more than once  when sent for to read
to him  found him sitting in his library alone  with his head bent on his
folded arms  and  when he looked up  a morose  almost a malignant  scowl
blackened his features   But I believed that his moodiness  his
harshness  and his former faults of morality  I say  former   for now he
seemed corrected of them  had their source in some cruel cross of fate   I
believed he was naturally a man of better tendencies  higher principles 
and purer tastes than such as circumstances had developed  education
instilled  or destiny encouraged   I thought there were excellent
materials in him  though for the present they hung together somewhat
spoiled and tangled   I cannot deny that I grieved for his grief 
whatever that was  and would have given much to assuage it 

Though I had now extinguished my candle and was laid down in bed  I could
not sleep for thinking of his look when he paused in the avenue  and told
how his destiny had risen up before him  and dared him to be happy at
Thornfield 

 Why not   I asked myself    What alienates him from the house   Will he
leave it again soon   Mrs  Fairfax said he seldom stayed here longer than
a fortnight at a time  and he has now been resident eight weeks   If he
does go  the change will be doleful   Suppose he should be absent spring 
summer  and autumn  how joyless sunshine and fine days will seem  

I hardly know whether I had slept or not after this musing  at any rate 
I started wide awake on hearing a vague murmur  peculiar and lugubrious 
which sounded  I thought  just above me   I wished I had kept my candle
burning  the night was drearily dark  my spirits were depressed   I rose
and sat up in bed  listening   The sound was hushed 

I tried again to sleep  but my heart beat anxiously  my inward
tranquillity was broken   The clock  far down in the hall  struck two 
Just then it seemed my chamber door was touched  as if fingers had swept
the panels in groping a way along the dark gallery outside   I said   Who
is there    Nothing answered   I was chilled with fear 

All at once I remembered that it might be Pilot  who  when the kitchen 
door chanced to be left open  not unfrequently found his way up to the
threshold of Mr  Rochester s chamber  I had seen him lying there myself
in the mornings   The idea calmed me somewhat  I lay down   Silence
composes the nerves  and as an unbroken hush now reigned again through
the whole house  I began to feel the return of slumber   But it was not
fated that I should sleep that night   A dream had scarcely approached my
ear  when it fled affrighted  scared by a marrow freezing incident
enough 

This was a demoniac laugh  low  suppressed  and deep  uttered  as it
seemed  at the very keyhole of my chamber door   The head of my bed was
near the door  and I thought at first the goblin laugher stood at my
bedside  or rather  crouched by my pillow  but I rose  looked round  and
could see nothing  while  as I still gazed  the unnatural sound was
reiterated  and I knew it came from behind the panels   My first impulse
was to rise and fasten the bolt  my next  again to cry out   Who is
there  

Something gurgled and moaned   Ere long  steps retreated up the gallery
towards the third storey staircase  a door had lately been made to shut
in that staircase  I heard it open and close  and all was still 

 Was that Grace Poole  and is she possessed with a devil   thought I 
Impossible now to remain longer by myself  I must go to Mrs  Fairfax   I
hurried on my frock and a shawl  I withdrew the bolt and opened the door
with a trembling hand   There was a candle burning just outside  and on
the matting in the gallery   I was surprised at this circumstance  but
still more was I amazed to perceive the air quite dim  as if filled with
smoke  and  while looking to the right hand and left  to find whence
these blue wreaths issued  I became further aware of a strong smell of
burning 

Something creaked  it was a door ajar  and that door was Mr  Rochester s 
and the smoke rushed in a cloud from thence   I thought no more of Mrs 
Fairfax  I thought no more of Grace Poole  or the laugh  in an instant  I
was within the chamber   Tongues of flame darted round the bed  the
curtains were on fire   In the midst of blaze and vapour  Mr  Rochester
lay stretched motionless  in deep sleep 

 Wake  wake   I cried   I shook him  but he only murmured and turned  the
smoke had stupefied him   Not a moment could be lost  the very sheets
were kindling  I rushed to his basin and ewer  fortunately  one was wide
and the other deep  and both were filled with water   I heaved them up 
deluged the bed and its occupant  flew back to my own room  brought my
own water jug  baptized the couch afresh  and  by God s aid  succeeded in
extinguishing the flames which were devouring it 

The hiss of the quenched element  the breakage of a pitcher which I flung
from my hand when I had emptied it  and  above all  the splash of the
shower bath I had liberally bestowed  roused Mr  Rochester at last 
Though it was now dark  I knew he was awake  because I heard him
fulminating strange anathemas at finding himself lying in a pool of
water 

 Is there a flood   he cried 

 No  sir   I answered   but there has been a fire  get up  do  you are
quenched now  I will fetch you a candle  

 In the name of all the elves in Christendom  is that Jane Eyre   he
demanded    What have you done with me  witch  sorceress   Who is in the
room besides you   Have you plotted to drown me  

 I will fetch you a candle  sir  and  in Heaven s name  get up   Somebody
has plotted something  you cannot too soon find out who and what it is  

 There   I am up now  but at your peril you fetch a candle yet  wait two
minutes till I get into some dry garments  if any dry there be  yes  here
is my dressing gown   Now run  

I did run  I brought the candle which still remained in the gallery   He
took it from my hand  held it up  and surveyed the bed  all blackened and
scorched  the sheets drenched  the carpet round swimming in water 

 What is it  and who did it   he asked   I briefly related to him what
had transpired  the strange laugh I had heard in the gallery  the step
ascending to the third storey  the smoke   the smell of fire which had
conducted me to his room  in what state I had found matters there  and
how I had deluged him with all the water I could lay hands on 

  What is it and who did it   he asked  p140 jpg 

He listened very gravely  his face  as I went on  expressed more concern
than astonishment  he did not immediately speak when I had concluded 

 Shall I call Mrs  Fairfax   I asked 

 Mrs  Fairfax   No  what the deuce would you call her for   What can she
do   Let her sleep unmolested  

 Then I will fetch Leah  and wake John and his wife  

 Not at all  just be still   You have a shawl on   If you are not warm
enough  you may take my cloak yonder  wrap it about you  and sit down in
the arm chair  there   I will put it on   Now place your feet on the
stool  to keep them out of the wet   I am going to leave you a few
minutes   I shall take the candle   Remain where you are till I return 
be as still as a mouse   I must pay a visit to the second storey   Don t
move  remember  or call any one  

He went  I watched the light withdraw   He passed up the gallery very
softly  unclosed the staircase door with as little noise as possible 
shut it after him  and the last ray vanished   I was left in total
darkness   I listened for some noise  but heard nothing   A very long
time elapsed   I grew weary  it was cold  in spite of the cloak  and then
I did not see the use of staying  as I was not to rouse the house   I was
on the point of risking Mr  Rochester s displeasure by disobeying his
orders  when the light once more gleamed dimly on the gallery wall  and I
heard his unshod feet tread the matting    I hope it is he   thought I 
 and not something worse  

He re entered  pale and very gloomy    I have found it all out   said he 
setting his candle down on the washstand   it is as I thought  

 How  sir  

He made no reply  but stood with his arms folded  looking on the ground 
At the end of a few minutes he inquired in rather a peculiar tone  

 I forget whether you said you saw anything when you opened your chamber
door  

 No  sir  only the candlestick on the ground  

 But you heard an odd laugh   You have heard that laugh before  I should
think  or something like it  

 Yes  sir  there is a woman who sews here  called Grace Poole   she
laughs in that way   She is a singular person  

 Just so   Grace Poole  you have guessed it   She is  as you say 
singular  very   Well  I shall reflect on the subject   Meantime  I am
glad that you are the only person  besides myself  acquainted with the
precise details of to night s incident   You are no talking fool  say
nothing about it   I will account for this state of affairs   pointing to
the bed    and now return to your own room   I shall do very well on the
sofa in the library for the rest of the night   It is near four   in two
hours the servants will be up  

 Good night  then  sir   said I  departing 

He seemed surprised  very inconsistently so  as he had just told me to
go 

 What   he exclaimed   are you quitting me already  and in that way  

 You said I might go  sir  

 But not without taking leave  not without a word or two of
acknowledgment and good will  not  in short  in that brief  dry fashion 
Why  you have saved my life   snatched me from a horrible and
excruciating death  and you walk past me as if we were mutual strangers 
At least shake hands  

He held out his hand  I gave him mine  he took it first in one  them in
both his own 

 You have saved my life  I have a pleasure in owing you so immense a
debt   I cannot say more   Nothing else that has being would have been
tolerable to me in the character of creditor for such an obligation  but
you  it is different   I feel your benefits no burden  Jane  

He paused  gazed at me  words almost visible trembled on his lips   but
his voice was checked 

 Good night again  sir   There is no debt  benefit  burden  obligation 
in the case  

 I knew   he continued   you would do me good in some way  at some
time   I saw it in your eyes when I first beheld you  their expression
and smile did not    again he stopped    did not   he proceeded hastily 
 strike delight to my very inmost heart so for nothing   People talk of
natural sympathies  I have heard of good genii  there are grains of truth
in the wildest fable   My cherished preserver  goodnight  

Strange energy was in his voice  strange fire in his look 

 I am glad I happened to be awake   I said  and then I was going 

 What  you  will  go  

 I am cold  sir  

 Cold   Yes   and standing in a pool   Go  then  Jane  go    But he still
retained my hand  and I could not free it   I bethought myself of an
expedient 

 I think I hear Mrs  Fairfax move  sir   said I 

 Well  leave me   he relaxed his fingers  and I was gone 

I regained my couch  but never thought of sleep   Till morning dawned I
was tossed on a buoyant but unquiet sea  where billows of trouble rolled
under surges of joy   I thought sometimes I saw beyond its wild waters a
shore  sweet as the hills of Beulah  and now and then a freshening gale 
wakened by hope  bore my spirit triumphantly towards the bourne  but I
could not reach it  even in fancy  a counteracting breeze blew off land 
and continually drove me back   Sense would resist delirium  judgment
would warn passion   Too feverish to rest  I rose as soon as day dawned 




CHAPTER XVI


I both wished and feared to see Mr  Rochester on the day which followed
this sleepless night  I wanted to hear his voice again  yet feared to
meet his eye   During the early part of the morning  I momentarily
expected his coming  he was not in the frequent habit of entering the
schoolroom  but he did step in for a few minutes sometimes  and I had the
impression that he was sure to visit it that day 

But the morning passed just as usual  nothing happened to interrupt the
quiet course of Adele s studies  only soon after breakfast  I heard some
bustle in the neighbourhood of Mr  Rochester s chamber  Mrs  Fairfax s
voice  and Leah s  and the cook s  that is  John s wife  and even John s
own gruff tones   There were exclamations of  What a mercy master was not
burnt in his bed     It is always dangerous to keep a candle lit at
night     How providential that he had presence of mind to think of the
water jug     I wonder he waked nobody     It is to be hoped he will not
take cold with sleeping on the library sofa    c 

To much confabulation succeeded a sound of scrubbing and setting to
rights  and when I passed the room  in going downstairs to dinner  I saw
through the open door that all was again restored to complete order  only
the bed was stripped of its hangings   Leah stood up in the window seat 
rubbing the panes of glass dimmed with smoke   I was about to address
her  for I wished to know what account had been given of the affair  but 
on advancing  I saw a second person in the chamber  a woman sitting on a
chair by the bedside  and sewing rings to new curtains   That woman was
no other than Grace Poole 

There she sat  staid and taciturn looking  as usual  in her brown stuff
gown  her check apron  white handkerchief  and cap   She was intent on
her work  in which her whole thoughts seemed absorbed  on her hard
forehead  and in her commonplace features  was nothing either of the
paleness or desperation one would have expected to see marking the
countenance of a woman who had attempted murder  and whose intended
victim had followed her last night to her lair  and  as I believed  
charged her with the crime she wished to perpetrate   I was
amazed  confounded   She looked up  while I still gazed at her  no start 
no increase or failure of colour betrayed emotion  consciousness of
guilt  or fear of detection   She said  Good morning  Miss   in her usual
phlegmatic and brief manner  and taking up another ring and more tape 
went on with her sewing 

 I will put her to some test   thought I   such absolute impenetrability
is past comprehension  

 Good morning  Grace   I said    Has anything happened here   I thought I
heard the servants all talking together a while ago  

 Only master had been reading in his bed last night  he fell asleep with
his candle lit  and the curtains got on fire  but  fortunately  he awoke
before the bed clothes or the wood work caught  and contrived to quench
the flames with the water in the ewer  

 A strange affair   I said  in a low voice  then  looking at her
fixedly   Did Mr  Rochester wake nobody   Did no one hear him move  

She again raised her eyes to me  and this time there was something of
consciousness in their expression   She seemed to examine me warily  then
she answered  

 The servants sleep so far off  you know  Miss  they would not be likely
to hear   Mrs  Fairfax s room and yours are the nearest to master s  but
Mrs  Fairfax said she heard nothing  when people get elderly  they often
sleep heavy    She paused  and then added  with a sort of assumed
indifference  but still in a marked and significant tone   But you are
young  Miss  and I should say a light sleeper  perhaps you may have heard
a noise  

 I did   said I  dropping my voice  so that Leah  who was still polishing
the panes  could not hear me   and at first I thought it was Pilot  but
Pilot cannot laugh  and I am certain I heard a laugh  and a strange one  

She took a new needleful of thread  waxed it carefully  threaded her
needle with a steady hand  and then observed  with perfect composure  

 It is hardly likely master would laugh  I should think  Miss  when he
was in such danger  You must have been dreaming  

 I was not dreaming   I said  with some warmth  for her brazen coolness
provoked me   Again she looked at me  and with the same scrutinising and
conscious eye 

 Have you told master that you heard a laugh   she inquired 

 I have not had the opportunity of speaking to him this morning  

 You did not think of opening your door and looking out into the
gallery   she further asked 

She appeared to be cross questioning me  attempting to draw from me
information unawares   The idea struck me that if she discovered I knew
or suspected her guilt  she would be playing of some of her malignant
pranks on me  I thought it advisable to be on my guard 

 On the contrary   said I   I bolted my door  

 Then you are not in the habit of bolting your door every night before
you get into bed  

 Fiend  she wants to know my habits  that she may lay her plans
accordingly    Indignation again prevailed over prudence  I replied
sharply   Hitherto I have often omitted to fasten the bolt  I did not
think it necessary   I was not aware any danger or annoyance was to be
dreaded at Thornfield Hall  but in future   and I laid marked stress on
the words   I shall take good care to make all secure before I venture to
lie down  

 It will be wise so to do   was her answer   this neighbourhood is as
quiet as any I know  and I never heard of the hall being attempted by
robbers since it was a house  though there are hundreds of pounds  worth
of plate in the plate closet  as is well known   And you see  for such a
large house  there are very few servants  because master has never lived
here much  and when he does come  being a bachelor  he needs little
waiting on  but I always think it best to err on the safe side  a door is
soon fastened  and it is as well to have a drawn bolt between one and any
mischief that may be about   A deal of people  Miss  are for trusting all
to Providence  but I say Providence will not dispense with the means 
though He often blesses them when they are used discreetly    And here
she closed her harangue  a long one for her  and uttered with the
demureness of a Quakeress 

I still stood absolutely dumfoundered at what appeared to me her
miraculous self possession and most inscrutable hypocrisy  when the cook
entered 

 Mrs  Poole   said she  addressing Grace   the servants  dinner will soon
be ready  will you come down  

 No  just put my pint of porter and bit of pudding on a tray  and I ll
carry it upstairs  

 You ll have some meat  

 Just a morsel  and a taste of cheese  that s all  

 And the sago  

 Never mind it at present  I shall be coming down before teatime  I ll
make it myself  

The cook here turned to me  saying that Mrs  Fairfax was waiting for me 
so I departed 

I hardly heard Mrs  Fairfax s account of the curtain conflagration during
dinner  so much was I occupied in puzzling my brains over the enigmatical
character of Grace Poole  and still more in pondering the problem of her
position at Thornfield and questioning why she had not been given into
custody that morning  or  at the very least  dismissed from her master s
service   He had almost as much as declared his conviction of her
criminality last night  what mysterious cause withheld him from accusing
her   Why had he enjoined me  too  to secrecy   It was strange  a bold 
vindictive  and haughty gentleman seemed somehow in the power of one of
the meanest of his dependants  so much in her power  that even when she
lifted her hand against his life  he dared not openly charge her with the
attempt  much less punish her for it 

Had Grace been young and handsome  I should have been tempted to think
that tenderer feelings than prudence or fear influenced Mr  Rochester in
her behalf  but  hard favoured and matronly as she was  the idea could
not be admitted    Yet   I reflected   she has been young once  her youth
would be contemporary with her master s  Mrs  Fairfax told me once  she
had lived here many years   I don t think she can ever have been pretty 
but  for aught I know  she may possess originality and strength of
character to compensate for the want of personal advantages   Mr 
Rochester is an amateur of the decided and eccentric  Grace is eccentric
at least   What if a former caprice  a freak very possible to a nature so
sudden and headstrong as his  has delivered him into her power  and she
now exercises over his actions a secret influence  the result of his own
indiscretion  which he cannot shake off  and dare not disregard    But 
having reached this point of conjecture  Mrs  Poole s square  flat
figure  and uncomely  dry  even coarse face  recurred so distinctly to my
mind s eye  that I thought   No  impossible  my supposition cannot be
correct   Yet   suggested the secret voice which talks to us in our own
hearts   you are not beautiful either  and perhaps Mr  Rochester approves
you  at any rate  you have often felt as if he did  and last
night  remember his words  remember his look  remember his voice  

I well remembered all  language  glance  and tone seemed at the moment
vividly renewed   I was now in the schoolroom  Adele was drawing  I bent
over her and directed her pencil   She looked up with a sort of start 

 Qu  avez vous  mademoiselle   said she    Vos doigts tremblent comme la
feuille  et vos joues sont rouges  mais  rouges comme des cerises  

 I am hot  Adele  with stooping    She went on sketching  I went on
thinking 

I hastened to drive from my mind the hateful notion I had been conceiving
respecting Grace Poole  it disgusted me   I compared myself with her  and
found we were different   Bessie Leaven had said I was quite a lady  and
she spoke truth  I was a lady   And now I looked much better than I did
when Bessie saw me  I had more colour and more flesh  more life  more
vivacity  because I had brighter hopes and keener enjoyments 

 Evening approaches   said I  as I looked towards the window    I have
never heard Mr  Rochester s voice or step in the house to day  but surely
I shall see him before night  I feared the meeting in the morning  now I
desire it  because expectation has been so long baffled that it is grown
impatient  

When dusk actually closed  and when Adele left me to go and play in the
nursery with Sophie  I did most keenly desire it   I listened for the
bell to ring below  I listened for Leah coming up with a message  I
fancied sometimes I heard Mr  Rochester s own tread  and I turned to the
door  expecting it to open and admit him   The door remained shut 
darkness only came in through the window   Still it was not late  he
often sent for me at seven and eight o clock  and it was yet but six 
Surely I should not be wholly disappointed to night  when I had so many
things to say to him   I wanted again to introduce the subject of Grace
Poole  and to hear what he would answer  I wanted to ask him plainly if
he really believed it was she who had made last night s hideous attempt 
and if so  why he kept her wickedness a secret   It little mattered
whether my curiosity irritated him  I knew the pleasure of vexing and
soothing him by turns  it was one I chiefly delighted in  and a sure
instinct always prevented me from going too far  beyond the verge of
provocation I never ventured  on the extreme brink I liked well to try my
skill   Retaining every minute form of respect  every propriety of my
station  I could still meet him in argument without fear or uneasy
restraint  this suited both him and me 

A tread creaked on the stairs at last   Leah made her appearance  but it
was only to intimate that tea was ready in Mrs  Fairfax s room   Thither
I repaired  glad at least to go downstairs  for that brought me  I
imagined  nearer to Mr  Rochester s presence 

 You must want your tea   said the good lady  as I joined her   you ate
so little at dinner   I am afraid   she continued   you are not well to 
day  you look flushed and feverish  

 Oh  quite well   I never felt better  

 Then you must prove it by evincing a good appetite  will you fill the
teapot while I knit off this needle    Having completed her task  she
rose to draw down the blind  which she had hitherto kept up  by way  I
suppose  of making the most of daylight  though dusk was now fast
deepening into total obscurity 

 It is fair to night   said she  as she looked through the panes   though
not starlight  Mr  Rochester has  on the whole  had a favourable day for
his journey  

 Journey   Is Mr  Rochester gone anywhere   I did not know he was out  

 Oh  he set off the moment he had breakfasted   He is gone to the Leas 
Mr  Eshton s place  ten miles on the other side Millcote   I believe
there is quite a party assembled there  Lord Ingram  Sir George Lynn 
Colonel Dent  and others  

 Do you expect him back to night  

 No  nor to morrow either  I should think he is very likely to stay a
week or more  when these fine  fashionable people get together  they are
so surrounded by elegance and gaiety  so well provided with all that can
please and entertain  they are in no hurry to separate   Gentlemen
especially are often in request on such occasions  and Mr  Rochester is
so talented and so lively in society  that I believe he is a general
favourite  the ladies are very fond of him  though you would not think
his appearance calculated to recommend him particularly in their eyes 
but I suppose his acquirements and abilities  perhaps his wealth and good
blood  make amends for any little fault of look  

 Are there ladies at the Leas  

 There are Mrs  Eshton and her three daughters  very elegant young ladies
indeed  and there are the Honourable Blanche and Mary Ingram  most
beautiful women  I suppose  indeed I have seen Blanche  six or seven
years since  when she was a girl of eighteen   She came here to a
Christmas ball and party Mr  Rochester gave   You should have seen the
dining room that day  how richly it was decorated  how brilliantly lit
up   I should think there were fifty ladies and gentlemen present  all of
the first county families  and Miss Ingram was considered the belle of
the evening  

 You saw her  you say  Mrs  Fairfax  what was she like  

 Yes  I saw her   The dining room doors were thrown open  and  as it was
Christmas time  the servants were allowed to assemble in the hall  to
hear some of the ladies sing and play   Mr  Rochester would have me to
come in  and I sat down in a quiet corner and watched them   I never saw
a more splendid scene  the ladies were magnificently dressed  most of
them  at least most of the younger ones  looked handsome  but Miss Ingram
was certainly the queen  

 And what was she like  

 Tall  fine bust  sloping shoulders  long  graceful neck  olive
complexion  dark and clear  noble features  eyes rather like Mr 
Rochester s  large and black  and as brilliant as her jewels   And then
she had such a fine head of hair  raven black and so becomingly arranged 
a crown of thick plaits behind  and in front the longest  the glossiest
curls I ever saw   She was dressed in pure white  an amber coloured scarf
was passed over her shoulder and across her breast  tied at the side  and
descending in long  fringed ends below her knee   She wore an
amber coloured flower  too  in her hair  it contrasted well with the
jetty mass of her curls  

 She was greatly admired  of course  

 Yes  indeed  and not only for her beauty  but for her accomplishments 
She was one of the ladies who sang  a gentleman accompanied her on the
piano   She and Mr  Rochester sang a duet  

 Mr  Rochester   I was not aware he could sing  

 Oh  he has a fine bass voice  and an excellent taste for music  

 And Miss Ingram  what sort of a voice had she  

 A very rich and powerful one  she sang delightfully  it was a treat to
listen to her   and she played afterwards   I am no judge of music  but
Mr  Rochester is  and I heard him say her execution was remarkably good  

 And this beautiful and accomplished lady  she is not yet married  

 It appears not  I fancy neither she nor her sister have very large
fortunes   Old Lord Ingram s estates were chiefly entailed  and the
eldest son came in for everything almost  

 But I wonder no wealthy nobleman or gentleman has taken a fancy to her 
Mr  Rochester  for instance   He is rich  is he not  

 Oh  yes   But you see there is a considerable difference in age  Mr 
Rochester is nearly forty  she is but twenty five  

 What of that   More unequal matches are made every day  

 True  yet I should scarcely fancy Mr  Rochester would entertain an idea
of the sort   But you eat nothing  you have scarcely tasted since you
began tea  

 No  I am too thirsty to eat   Will you let me have another cup  

I was about again to revert to the probability of a union between Mr 
Rochester and the beautiful Blanche  but Adele came in  and the
conversation was turned into another channel 

When once more alone  I reviewed the information I had got  looked into
my heart  examined its thoughts and feelings  and endeavoured to bring
back with a strict hand such as had been straying through imagination s
boundless and trackless waste  into the safe fold of common sense 

Arraigned at my own bar  Memory having given her evidence of the hopes 
wishes  sentiments I had been cherishing since last night  of the general
state of mind in which I had indulged for nearly a fortnight past  Reason
having come forward and told  in her own quiet way a plain  unvarnished
tale  showing how I had rejected the real  and rabidly devoured the
ideal   I pronounced judgment to this effect   

That a greater fool than Jane Eyre had never breathed the breath of life 
that a more fantastic idiot had never surfeited herself on sweet lies 
and swallowed poison as if it were nectar 

  You    I said   a favourite with Mr  Rochester    You  gifted with the
power of pleasing him    You  of importance to him in any way   Go  your
folly sickens me   And you have derived pleasure from occasional tokens
of preference  equivocal tokens shown by a gentleman of family and a man
of the world to a dependent and a novice   How dared you   Poor stupid
dupe   Could not even self interest make you wiser  You repeated to
yourself this morning the brief scene of last night   Cover your face and
be ashamed   He said something in praise of your eyes  did he   Blind
puppy   Open their bleared lids and look on your own accursed
senselessness   It does good to no woman to be flattered by her superior 
who cannot possibly intend to marry her  and it is madness in all women
to let a secret love kindle within them  which  if unreturned and
unknown  must devour the life that feeds it  and  if discovered and
responded to  must lead   ignis fatus  like  into miry wilds whence there
is no extrication 

 Listen  then  Jane Eyre  to your sentence  to morrow  place the glass
before you  and draw in chalk your own picture  faithfully  without
softening one defect  omit no harsh line  smooth away no displeasing
irregularity  write under it   Portrait of a Governess  disconnected 
poor  and plain  

 Afterwards  take a piece of smooth ivory  you have one prepared in your
drawing box  take your palette  mix your freshest  finest  clearest
tints  choose your most delicate camel hair pencils  delineate carefully
the loveliest face you can imagine  paint it in your softest shades and
sweetest lines  according to the description given by Mrs  Fairfax of
Blanche Ingram  remember the raven ringlets  the oriental eye   What  you
revert to Mr  Rochester as a model   Order   No snivel   no sentiment   no
regret   I will endure only sense and resolution   Recall the august yet
harmonious lineaments  the Grecian neck and bust  let the round and
dazzling arm be visible  and the delicate hand  omit neither diamond ring
nor gold bracelet  portray faithfully the attire  aerial lace and
glistening satin  graceful scarf and golden rose  call it  Blanche  an
accomplished lady of rank  

 Whenever  in future  you should chance to fancy Mr  Rochester thinks
well of you  take out these two pictures and compare them  say   Mr 
Rochester might probably win that noble lady s love  if he chose to
strive for it  is it likely he would waste a serious thought on this
indigent and insignificant plebeian   

 I ll do it   I resolved  and having framed this determination  I grew
calm  and fell asleep 

I kept my word   An hour or two sufficed to sketch my own portrait in
crayons  and in less than a fortnight I had completed an ivory miniature
of an imaginary Blanche Ingram   It looked a lovely face enough  and when
compared with the real head in chalk  the contrast was as great as self 
control could desire   I derived benefit from the task  it had kept my
head and hands employed  and had given force and fixedness to the new
impressions I wished to stamp indelibly on my heart 

Ere long  I had reason to congratulate myself on the course of wholesome
discipline to which I had thus forced my feelings to submit   Thanks to
it  I was able to meet subsequent occurrences with a decent calm  which 
had they found me unprepared  I should probably have been unequal to
maintain  even externally 




CHAPTER XVII


A week passed  and no news arrived of Mr  Rochester  ten days  and still
he did not come   Mrs  Fairfax said she should not be surprised if he
were to go straight from the Leas to London  and thence to the Continent 
and not show his face again at Thornfield for a year to come  he had not
unfrequently quitted it in a manner quite as abrupt and unexpected   When
I heard this  I was beginning to feel a strange chill and failing at the
heart   I was actually permitting myself to experience a sickening sense
of disappointment  but rallying my wits  and recollecting my principles 
I at once called my sensations to order  and it was wonderful how I got
over the temporary blunder  how I cleared up the mistake of supposing Mr 
Rochester s movements a matter in which I had any cause to take a vital
interest   Not that I humbled myself by a slavish notion of inferiority 
on the contrary  I just said  

 You have nothing to do with the master of Thornfield  further than to
receive the salary he gives you for teaching his protegee  and to be
grateful for such respectful and kind treatment as  if you do your duty 
you have a right to expect at his hands   Be sure that is the only tie he
seriously acknowledges between you and him  so don t make him the object
of your fine feelings  your raptures  agonies  and so forth   He is not
of your order  keep to your caste  and be too self respecting to lavish
the love of the whole heart  soul  and strength  where such a gift is not
wanted and would be despised  

I went on with my day s business tranquilly  but ever and anon vague
suggestions kept wandering across my brain of reasons why I should quit
Thornfield  and I kept involuntarily framing advertisements and pondering
conjectures about new situations  these thoughts I did not think to
check  they might germinate and bear fruit if they could 

Mr  Rochester had been absent upwards of a fortnight  when the post
brought Mrs  Fairfax a letter 

 It is from the master   said she  as she looked at the direction    Now
I suppose we shall know whether we are to expect his return or not  

And while she broke the seal and perused the document  I went on taking
my coffee  we were at breakfast   it was hot  and I attributed to that
circumstance a fiery glow which suddenly rose to my face   Why my hand
shook  and why I involuntarily spilt half the contents of my cup into my
saucer  I did not choose to consider 

 Well  I sometimes think we are too quiet  but we run a chance of being
busy enough now  for a little while at least   said Mrs  Fairfax  still
holding the note before her spectacles 

Ere I permitted myself to request an explanation  I tied the string of
Adele s pinafore  which happened to be loose  having helped her also to
another bun and refilled her mug with milk  I said  nonchalantly  

 Mr  Rochester is not likely to return soon  I suppose  

 Indeed he is  in three days  he says  that will be next Thursday  and
not alone either   I don t know how many of the fine people at the Leas
are coming with him  he sends directions for all the best bedrooms to be
prepared  and the library and drawing rooms are to be cleaned out  I am
to get more kitchen hands from the George Inn  at Millcote  and from
wherever else I can  and the ladies will bring their maids and the
gentlemen their valets  so we shall have a full house of it    And Mrs 
Fairfax swallowed her breakfast and hastened away to commence operations 

The three days were  as she had foretold  busy enough   I had thought all
the rooms at Thornfield beautifully clean and well arranged  but it
appears I was mistaken   Three women were got to help  and such
scrubbing  such brushing  such washing of paint and beating of carpets 
such taking down and putting up of pictures  such polishing of mirrors
and lustres  such lighting of fires in bedrooms  such airing of sheets
and feather beds on hearths  I never beheld  either before or since 
Adele ran quite wild in the midst of it  the preparations for company and
the prospect of their arrival  seemed to throw her into ecstasies   She
would have Sophie to look over all her  toilettes   as she called frocks 
to furbish up any that were   passees    and to air and arrange the new 
For herself  she did nothing but caper about in the front chambers  jump
on and off the bedsteads  and lie on the mattresses and piled up bolsters
and pillows before the enormous fires roaring in the chimneys   From
school duties she was exonerated  Mrs  Fairfax had pressed me into her
service  and I was all day in the storeroom  helping  or hindering  her
and the cook  learning to make custards and cheese cakes and French
pastry  to truss game and garnish desert dishes 

The party were expected to arrive on Thursday afternoon  in time for
dinner at six   During the intervening period I had no time to nurse
chimeras  and I believe I was as active and gay as anybody  Adele
excepted   Still  now and then  I received a damping check to my
cheerfulness  and was  in spite of myself  thrown back on the region of
doubts and portents  and dark conjectures   This was when I chanced to
see the third storey staircase door  which of late had always been kept
locked  open slowly  and give passage to the form of Grace Poole  in prim
cap  white apron  and handkerchief  when I watched her glide along the
gallery  her quiet tread muffled in a list slipper  when I saw her look
into the bustling  topsy turvy bedrooms   just say a word  perhaps  to
the charwoman about the proper way to polish a grate  or clean a marble
mantelpiece  or take stains from papered walls  and then pass on   She
would thus descend to the kitchen once a day  eat her dinner  smoke a
moderate pipe on the hearth  and go back  carrying her pot of porter with
her  for her private solace  in her own gloomy  upper haunt   Only one
hour in the twenty four did she pass with her fellow servants below  all
the rest of her time was spent in some low ceiled  oaken chamber of the
second storey  there she sat and sewed  and probably laughed drearily to
herself   as companionless as a prisoner in his dungeon 

The strangest thing of all was  that not a soul in the house  except me 
noticed her habits  or seemed to marvel at them  no one discussed her
position or employment  no one pitied her solitude or isolation   I once 
indeed  overheard part of a dialogue between Leah and one of the
charwomen  of which Grace formed the subject   Leah had been saying
something I had not caught  and the charwoman remarked  

 She gets good wages  I guess  

 Yes   said Leah   I wish I had as good  not that mine are to complain
of   there s no stinginess at Thornfield  but they re not one fifth of
the sum Mrs  Poole receives   And she is laying by  she goes every
quarter to the bank at Millcote   I should not wonder but she has saved
enough to keep her independent if she liked to leave  but I suppose she s
got used to the place  and then she s not forty yet  and strong and able
for anything   It is too soon for her to give up business  

 She is a good hand  I daresay   said the charwoman 

 Ah   she understands what she has to do   nobody better   rejoined Leah
significantly   and it is not every one could fill her shoes  not for all
the money she gets  

 That it is not   was the reply    I wonder whether the master   

The charwoman was going on  but here Leah turned and perceived me  and
she instantly gave her companion a nudge 

 Doesn t she know   I heard the woman whisper 

Leah shook her head  and the conversation was of course dropped   All I
had gathered from it amounted to this   that there was a mystery at
Thornfield  and that from participation in that mystery I was purposely
excluded 

Thursday came  all work had been completed the previous evening  carpets
were laid down  bed hangings festooned  radiant white counterpanes
spread  toilet tables arranged  furniture rubbed  flowers piled in vases 
both chambers and saloons looked as fresh and bright as hands could make
them   The hall  too  was scoured  and the great carved clock  as well as
the steps and banisters of the staircase  were polished to the brightness
of glass  in the dining room  the sideboard flashed resplendent with
plate  in the drawing room and boudoir  vases of exotics bloomed on all
sides 

Afternoon arrived  Mrs  Fairfax assumed her best black satin gown  her
gloves  and her gold watch  for it was her part to receive the
company   to conduct the ladies to their rooms   c   Adele  too  would be
dressed  though I thought she had little chance of being introduced to
the party that day at least   However  to please her  I allowed Sophie to
apparel her in one of her short  full muslin frocks   For myself  I had
no need to make any change  I should not be called upon to quit my
sanctum of the schoolroom  for a sanctum it was now become to me    a
very pleasant refuge in time of trouble  

It had been a mild  serene spring day  one of those days which  towards
the end of March or the beginning of April  rise shining over the earth
as heralds of summer   It was drawing to an end now  but the evening was
even warm  and I sat at work in the schoolroom with the window open 

 It gets late   said Mrs  Fairfax  entering in rustling state    I am
glad I ordered dinner an hour after the time Mr  Rochester mentioned  for
it is past six now   I have sent John down to the gates to see if there
is anything on the road  one can see a long way from thence in the
direction of Millcote    She went to the window    Here he is   said she 
 Well  John   leaning out    any news  

 They re coming  ma am   was the answer    They ll be here in ten
minutes  

Adele flew to the window   I followed  taking care to stand on one side 
so that  screened by the curtain  I could see without being seen 

The ten minutes John had given seemed very long  but at last wheels were
heard  four equestrians galloped up the drive  and after them came two
open carriages   Fluttering veils and waving plumes filled the vehicles 
two of the cavaliers were young  dashing looking gentlemen  the third was
Mr  Rochester  on his black horse  Mesrour  Pilot bounding before him  at
his side rode a lady  and he and she were the first of the party   Her
purple riding habit almost swept the ground  her veil streamed long on
the breeze  mingling with its transparent folds  and gleaming through
them  shone rich raven ringlets 

 Miss Ingram   exclaimed Mrs  Fairfax  and away she hurried to her post
below 

The cavalcade  following the sweep of the drive  quickly turned the angle
of the house  and I lost sight of it   Adele now petitioned to go down 
but I took her on my knee  and gave her to understand that she must not
on any account think of venturing in sight of the ladies  either now or
at any other time  unless expressly sent for  that Mr  Rochester would be
very angry   c    Some natural tears she shed  on being told this  but as
I began to look very grave  she consented at last to wipe them 

A joyous stir was now audible in the hall  gentlemen s deep tones and
ladies  silvery accents blent harmoniously together  and distinguishable
above all  though not loud  was the sonorous voice of the master of
Thornfield Hall  welcoming his fair and gallant guests under its roof 
Then light steps ascended the stairs  and there was a tripping through
the gallery  and soft cheerful laughs  and opening and closing doors 
and  for a time  a hush 

 Elles changent de toilettes   said Adele  who  listening attentively 
had followed every movement  and she sighed 

 Chez maman   said she   quand il y avait du monde  je le suivais
partout  au salon et a leurs chambres  souvent je regardais les femmes de
chambre coiffer et habiller les dames  et c etait si amusant  comme cela
on apprend  

 Don t you feel hungry  Adele  

 Mais oui  mademoiselle  voila cinq ou six heures que nous n avons pas
mange  

 Well now  while the ladies are in their rooms  I will venture down and
get you something to eat  

And issuing from my asylum with precaution  I sought a back stairs which
conducted directly to the kitchen   All in that region was fire and
commotion  the soup and fish were in the last stage of projection  and
the cook hung over her crucibles in a frame of mind and body threatening
spontaneous combustion   In the servants  hall two coachmen and three
gentlemen s gentlemen stood or sat round the fire  the abigails  I
suppose  were upstairs with their mistresses  the new servants  that had
been hired from Millcote  were bustling about everywhere   Threading this
chaos  I at last reached the larder  there I took possession of a cold
chicken  a roll of bread  some tarts  a plate or two and a knife and
fork  with this booty I made a hasty retreat   I had regained the
gallery  and was just shutting the back door behind me  when an
accelerated hum warned me that the ladies were about to issue from their
chambers   I could not proceed to the schoolroom without passing some of
their doors  and running the risk of being surprised with my cargo of
victualage  so I stood still at this end  which  being windowless  was
dark  quite dark now  for the sun was set and twilight gathering 

Presently the chambers gave up their fair tenants one after another  each
came out gaily and airily  with dress that gleamed lustrous through the
dusk   For a moment they stood grouped together at the other extremity of
the gallery  conversing in a key of sweet subdued vivacity  they then
descended the staircase almost as noiselessly as a bright mist rolls down
a hill   Their collective appearance had left on me an impression of high 
born elegance  such as I had never before received 

I found Adele peeping through the schoolroom door  which she held ajar 
 What beautiful ladies   cried she in English    Oh  I wish I might go to
them   Do you think Mr  Rochester will send for us by and bye  after
dinner  

 No  indeed  I don t  Mr  Rochester has something else to think about 
Never mind the ladies to night  perhaps you will see them to morrow  here
is your dinner  

She was really hungry  so the chicken and tarts served to divert her
attention for a time   It was well I secured this forage  or both she  I 
and Sophie  to whom I conveyed a share of our repast  would have run a
chance of getting no dinner at all  every one downstairs was too much
engaged to think of us   The dessert was not carried out till after nine
and at ten footmen were still running to and fro with trays and coffee 
cups   I allowed Adele to sit up much later than usual  for she declared
she could not possibly go to sleep while the doors kept opening and
shutting below  and people bustling about   Besides  she added  a message
might possibly come from Mr  Rochester when she was undressed   et alors
quel dommage  

I told her stories as long as she would listen to them  and then for a
change I took her out into the gallery   The hall lamp was now lit  and
it amused her to look over the balustrade and watch the servants passing
backwards and forwards   When the evening was far advanced  a sound of
music issued from the drawing room  whither the piano had been removed 
Adele and I sat down on the top step of the stairs to listen   Presently
a voice blent with the rich tones of the instrument  it was a lady who
sang  and very sweet her notes were   The solo over  a duet followed  and
then a glee  a joyous conversational murmur filled up the intervals   I
listened long  suddenly I discovered that my ear was wholly intent on
analysing the mingled sounds  and trying to discriminate amidst the
confusion of accents those of Mr  Rochester  and when it caught them 
which it soon did  it found a further task in framing the tones  rendered
by distance inarticulate  into words 

The clock struck eleven   I looked at Adele  whose head leant against my
shoulder  her eyes were waxing heavy  so I took her up in my arms and
carried her off to bed   It was near one before the gentlemen and ladies
sought their chambers 

The next day was as fine as its predecessor  it was devoted by the party
to an excursion to some site in the neighbourhood   They set out early in
the forenoon  some on horseback  the rest in carriages  I witnessed both
the departure and the return   Miss Ingram  as before  was the only lady
equestrian  and  as before  Mr  Rochester galloped at her side  the two
rode a little apart from the rest   I pointed out this circumstance to
Mrs  Fairfax  who was standing at the window with me  

 You said it was not likely they should think of being married   said I 
 but you see Mr  Rochester evidently prefers her to any of the other
ladies  

 Yes  I daresay  no doubt he admires her  

 And she him   I added   look how she leans her head towards him as if
she were conversing confidentially  I wish I could see her face  I have
never had a glimpse of it yet  

 You will see her this evening   answered Mrs  Fairfax    I happened to
remark to Mr  Rochester how much Adele wished to be introduced to the
ladies  and he said   Oh  let her come into the drawing room after
dinner  and request Miss Eyre to accompany her   

 Yes  he said that from mere politeness  I need not go  I am sure   I
answered 

 Well  I observed to him that as you were unused to company  I did not
think you would like appearing before so gay a party  all strangers  and
he replied  in his quick way   Nonsense   If she objects  tell her it is
my particular wish  and if she resists  say I shall come and fetch her in
case of contumacy   

 I will not give him that trouble   I answered    I will go  if no better
may be  but I don t like it   Shall you be there  Mrs  Fairfax  

 No  I pleaded off  and he admitted my plea   I ll tell you how to manage
so as to avoid the embarrassment of making a formal entrance  which is
the most disagreeable part of the business   You must go into the drawing 
room while it is empty  before the ladies leave the dinner table  choose
your seat in any quiet nook you like  you need not stay long after the
gentlemen come in  unless you please  just let Mr  Rochester see you are
there and then slip away  nobody will notice you  

 Will these people remain long  do you think  

 Perhaps two or three weeks  certainly not more   After the Easter
recess  Sir George Lynn  who was lately elected member for Millcote  will
have to go up to town and take his seat  I daresay Mr  Rochester will
accompany him  it surprises me that he has already made so protracted a
stay at Thornfield  

It was with some trepidation that I perceived the hour approach when I
was to repair with my charge to the drawing room   Adele had been in a
state of ecstasy all day  after hearing she was to be presented to the
ladies in the evening  and it was not till Sophie commenced the operation
of dressing her that she sobered down   Then the importance of the
process quickly steadied her  and by the time she had her curls arranged
in well smoothed  drooping clusters  her pink satin frock put on  her
long sash tied  and her lace mittens adjusted  she looked as grave as any
judge   No need to warn her not to disarrange her attire  when she was
dressed  she sat demurely down in her little chair  taking care
previously to lift up the satin skirt for fear she should crease it  and
assured me she would not stir thence till I was ready   This I quickly
was  my best dress  the silver grey one  purchased for Miss Temple s
wedding  and never worn since  was soon put on  my hair was soon
smoothed  my sole ornament  the pearl brooch  soon assumed   We
descended 

Fortunately there was another entrance to the drawing room than that
through the saloon where they were all seated at dinner   We found the
apartment vacant  a large fire burning silently on the marble hearth  and
wax candles shining in bright solitude  amid the exquisite flowers with
which the tables were adorned   The crimson curtain hung before the arch 
slight as was the separation this drapery formed from the party in the
adjoining saloon  they spoke in so low a key that nothing of their
conversation could be distinguished beyond a soothing murmur 

Adele  who appeared to be still under the influence of a most solemnising
impression  sat down  without a word  on the footstool I pointed out to
her   I retired to a window seat  and taking a book from a table near 
endeavoured to read   Adele brought her stool to my feet  ere long she
touched my knee 

 What is it  Adele  

 Est ce que je ne puis pas prendrie une seule de ces fleurs magnifiques 
mademoiselle   Seulement pour completer ma toilette  

 You think too much of your  toilette   Adele  but you may have a
flower    And I took a rose from a vase and fastened it in her sash   She
sighed a sigh of ineffable satisfaction  as if her cup of happiness were
now full   I turned my face away to conceal a smile I could not suppress 
there was something ludicrous as well as painful in the little
Parisienne s earnest and innate devotion to matters of dress 

A soft sound of rising now became audible  the curtain was swept back
from the arch  through it appeared the dining room  with its lit lustre
pouring down light on the silver and glass of a magnificent
dessert service covering a long table  a band of ladies stood in the
opening  they entered  and the curtain fell behind them 

There were but eight  yet  somehow  as they flocked in  they gave the
impression of a much larger number   Some of them were very tall  many
were dressed in white  and all had a sweeping amplitude of array that
seemed to magnify their persons as a mist magnifies the moon   I rose and
curtseyed to them  one or two bent their heads in return  the others only
stared at me 

They dispersed about the room  reminding me  by the lightness and
buoyancy of their movements  of a flock of white plumy birds   Some of
them threw themselves in half reclining positions on the sofas and
ottomans  some bent over the tables and examined the flowers and books 
the rest gathered in a group round the fire  all talked in a low but
clear tone which seemed habitual to them   I knew their names afterwards 
and may as well mention them now 

First  there was Mrs  Eshton and two of her daughters   She had evidently
been a handsome woman  and was well preserved still   Of her daughters 
the eldest  Amy  was rather little  naive  and child like in face and
manner  and piquant in form  her white muslin dress and blue sash became
her well   The second  Louisa  was taller and more elegant in figure 
with a very pretty face  of that order the French term  minois chiffone  
both sisters were fair as lilies 

Lady Lynn was a large and stout personage of about forty  very erect 
very haughty looking  richly dressed in a satin robe of changeful sheen 
her dark hair shone glossily under the shade of an azure plume  and
within the circlet of a band of gems 

Mrs  Colonel Dent was less showy  but  I thought  more lady like   She
had a slight figure  a pale  gentle face  and fair hair   Her black satin
dress  her scarf of rich foreign lace  and her pearl ornaments  pleased
me better than the rainbow radiance of the titled dame 

But the three most distinguished  partly  perhaps  because the tallest
figures of the band  were the Dowager Lady Ingram and her daughters 
Blanche and Mary   They were all three of the loftiest stature of women 
The Dowager might be between forty and fifty  her shape was still fine 
her hair  by candle light at least  still black  her teeth  too  were
still apparently perfect   Most people would have termed her a splendid
woman of her age  and so she was  no doubt  physically speaking  but then
there was an expression of almost insupportable haughtiness in her
bearing and countenance   She had Roman features and a double chin 
disappearing into a throat like a pillar  these features appeared to me
not only inflated and darkened  but even furrowed with pride  and the
chin was sustained by the same principle  in a position of almost
preternatural erectness   She had  likewise  a fierce and a hard eye  it
reminded me of Mrs  Reed s  she mouthed her words in speaking  her voice
was deep  its inflections very pompous  very dogmatical   very
intolerable  in short   A crimson velvet robe  and a shawl turban of some
gold wrought Indian fabric  invested her  I suppose she thought  with a
truly imperial dignity 

Blanche and Mary were of equal stature   straight and tall as poplars 
Mary was too slim for her height  but Blanche was moulded like a Dian   I
regarded her  of course  with special interest   First  I wished to see
whether her appearance accorded with Mrs  Fairfax s description 
secondly  whether it at all resembled the fancy miniature I had painted
of her  and thirdly  it will out   whether it were such as I should fancy
likely to suit Mr  Rochester s taste 

As far as person went  she answered point for point  both to my picture
and Mrs  Fairfax s description   The noble bust  the sloping shoulders 
the graceful neck  the dark eyes and black ringlets were all there   but
her face   Her face was like her mother s  a youthful unfurrowed
likeness  the same low brow  the same high features  the same pride   It
was not  however  so saturnine a pride  she laughed continually  her
laugh was satirical  and so was the habitual expression of her arched and
haughty lip 

Genius is said to be self conscious   I cannot tell whether Miss Ingram
was a genius  but she was self conscious  remarkably self conscious
indeed   She entered into a discourse on botany with the gentle Mrs 
Dent   It seemed Mrs  Dent had not studied that science  though  as she
said  she liked flowers   especially wild ones   Miss Ingram had  and she
ran over its vocabulary with an air   I presently perceived she was  what
is vernacularly termed   trailing  Mrs  Dent  that is  playing on her
ignorance  her  trail  might be clever  but it was decidedly not good 
natured   She played  her execution was brilliant  she sang  her voice
was fine  she talked French apart to her mamma  and she talked it well 
with fluency and with a good accent 

Mary had a milder and more open countenance than Blanche  softer features
too  and a skin some shades fairer  Miss Ingram was dark as a
Spaniard   but Mary was deficient in life  her face lacked expression 
her eye lustre  she had nothing to say  and having once taken her seat 
remained fixed like a statue in its niche   The sisters were both attired
in spotless white 

And did I now think Miss Ingram such a choice as Mr  Rochester would be
likely to make   I could not tell  I did not know his taste in female
beauty   If he liked the majestic  she was the very type of majesty  then
she was accomplished  sprightly   Most gentlemen would admire her  I
thought  and that he  did  admire her  I already seemed to have obtained
proof  to remove the last shade of doubt  it remained but to see them
together 

You are not to suppose  reader  that Adele has all this time been sitting
motionless on the stool at my feet  no  when the ladies entered  she
rose  advanced to meet them  made a stately reverence  and said with
gravity  

 Bon jour  mesdames  

And Miss Ingram had looked down at her with a mocking air  and exclaimed 
 Oh  what a little puppet  

Lady Lynn had remarked   It is Mr  Rochester s ward  I suppose  the
little French girl he was speaking of  

Mrs  Dent had kindly taken her hand  and given her a kiss 

Amy and Louisa Eshton had cried out simultaneously   What a love of a
child  

And then they had called her to a sofa  where she now sat  ensconced
between them  chattering alternately in French and broken English 
absorbing not only the young ladies  attention  but that of Mrs  Eshton
and Lady Lynn  and getting spoilt to her heart s content 

At last coffee is brought in  and the gentlemen are summoned   I sit in
the shade  if any shade there be in this brilliantly lit apartment  the
window curtain half hides me   Again the arch yawns  they come   The
collective appearance of the gentlemen  like that of the ladies  is very
imposing  they are all costumed in black  most of them are tall  some
young   Henry and Frederick Lynn are very dashing sparks indeed  and
Colonel Dent is a fine soldierly man   Mr  Eshton  the magistrate of the
district  is gentleman like  his hair is quite white  his eyebrows and
whiskers still dark  which gives him something of the appearance of a
 pere noble de theatre    Lord Ingram  like his sisters  is very tall 
like them  also  he is handsome  but he shares Mary s apathetic and
listless look  he seems to have more length of limb than vivacity of
blood or vigour of brain 

And where is Mr  Rochester 

He comes in last  I am not looking at the arch  yet I see him enter   I
try to concentrate my attention on those netting needles  on the meshes
of the purse I am forming  I wish to think only of the work I have in my
hands  to see only the silver beads and silk threads that lie in my lap 
whereas  I distinctly behold his figure  and I inevitably recall the
moment when I last saw it  just after I had rendered him  what he deemed 
an essential service  and he  holding my hand  and looking down on my
face  surveyed me with eyes that revealed a heart full and eager to
overflow  in whose emotions I had a part   How near had I approached him
at that moment   What had occurred since  calculated to change his and my
relative positions   Yet now  how distant  how far estranged we were   So
far estranged  that I did not expect him to come and speak to me   I did
not wonder  when  without looking at me  he took a seat at the other side
of the room  and began conversing with some of the ladies 

No sooner did I see that his attention was riveted on them  and that I
might gaze without being observed  than my eyes were drawn involuntarily
to his face  I could not keep their lids under control  they would rise 
and the irids would fix on him   I looked  and had an acute pleasure in
looking   a precious yet poignant pleasure  pure gold  with a steely
point of agony  a pleasure like what the thirst perishing man might feel
who knows the well to which he has crept is poisoned  yet stoops and
drinks divine draughts nevertheless 

Most true is it that  beauty is in the eye of the gazer    My master s
colourless  olive face  square  massive brow  broad and jetty eyebrows 
deep eyes  strong features  firm  grim mouth   all energy  decision 
will   were not beautiful  according to rule  but they were more than
beautiful to me  they were full of an interest  an influence that quite
mastered me   that took my feelings from my own power and fettered them
in his   I had not intended to love him  the reader knows I had wrought
hard to extirpate from my soul the germs of love there detected  and now 
at the first renewed view of him  they spontaneously arrived  green and
strong   He made me love him without looking at me 

I compared him with his guests   What was the gallant grace of the Lynns 
the languid elegance of Lord Ingram   even the military distinction of
Colonel Dent  contrasted with his look of native pith and genuine power 
I had no sympathy in their appearance  their expression  yet I could
imagine that most observers would call them attractive  handsome 
imposing  while they would pronounce Mr  Rochester at once harsh featured
and melancholy looking   I saw them smile  laugh  it was nothing  the
light of the candles had as much soul in it as their smile  the tinkle of
the bell as much significance as their laugh   I saw Mr  Rochester
smile   his stern features softened  his eye grew both brilliant and
gentle  its ray both searching and sweet   He was talking  at the moment 
to Louisa and Amy Eshton   I wondered to see them receive with calm that
look which seemed to me so penetrating  I expected their eyes to fall 
their colour to rise under it  yet I was glad when I found they were in
no sense moved    He is not to them what he is to me   I thought   he is
not of their kind   I believe he is of mine   I am sure he is  I feel
akin to him  I understand the language of his countenance and movements 
though rank and wealth sever us widely  I have something in my brain and
heart  in my blood and nerves  that assimilates me mentally to him   Did
I say  a few days since  that I had nothing to do with him but to receive
my salary at his hands   Did I forbid myself to think of him in any other
light than as a paymaster   Blasphemy against nature   Every good  true 
vigorous feeling I have gathers impulsively round him   I know I must
conceal my sentiments  I must smother hope  I must remember that he
cannot care much for me   For when I say that I am of his kind  I do not
mean that I have his force to influence  and his spell to attract  I mean
only that I have certain tastes and feelings in common with him   I must 
then  repeat continually that we are for ever sundered   and yet  while I
breathe and think  I must love him  

Coffee is handed   The ladies  since the gentlemen entered  have become
lively as larks  conversation waxes brisk and merry   Colonel Dent and
Mr  Eshton argue on politics  their wives listen   The two proud
dowagers  Lady Lynn and Lady Ingram  confabulate together   Sir
George  whom  by the bye  I have forgotten to describe   a very big  and
very fresh looking country gentleman  stands before their sofa  coffee 
cup in hand  and occasionally puts in a word   Mr  Frederick Lynn has
taken a seat beside Mary Ingram  and is showing her the engravings of a
splendid volume  she looks  smiles now and then  but apparently says
little   The tall and phlegmatic Lord Ingram leans with folded arms on
the chair back of the little and lively Amy Eshton  she glances up at
him  and chatters like a wren  she likes him better than she does Mr 
Rochester   Henry Lynn has taken possession of an ottoman at the feet of
Louisa  Adele shares it with him  he is trying to talk French with her 
and Louisa laughs at his blunders   With whom will Blanche Ingram pair 
She is standing alone at the table  bending gracefully over an album   She
seems waiting to be sought  but she will not wait too long  she herself
selects a mate 

Mr  Rochester  having quitted the Eshtons  stands on the hearth as
solitary as she stands by the table  she confronts him  taking her
station on the opposite side of the mantelpiece 

 Mr  Rochester  I thought you were not fond of children  

 Nor am I  

 Then  what induced you to take charge of such a little doll as that  
 pointing to Adele     Where did you pick her up  

 I did not pick her up  she was left on my hands  

 You should have sent her to school  

 I could not afford it  schools are so dear  

 Why  I suppose you have a governess for her  I saw a person with her
just now  is she gone   Oh  no  there she is still  behind the window 
curtain   You pay her  of course  I should think it quite as
expensive   more so  for you have them both to keep in addition  

I feared  or should I say  hoped   the allusion to me would make Mr 
Rochester glance my way  and I involuntarily shrank farther into the
shade  but he never turned his eyes 

 I have not considered the subject   said he indifferently  looking
straight before him 

 No  you men never do consider economy and common sense   You should hear
mama on the chapter of governesses  Mary and I have had  I should think 
a dozen at least in our day  half of them detestable and the rest
ridiculous  and all incubi  were they not  mama  

 Did you speak  my own  

The young lady thus claimed as the dowager s special property  reiterated
her question with an explanation 

 My dearest  don t mention governesses  the word makes me nervous   I
have suffered a martyrdom from their incompetency and caprice   I thank
Heaven I have now done with them  

Mrs  Dent here bent over to the pious lady and whispered something in her
ear  I suppose  from the answer elicited  it was a reminder that one of
the anathematised race was present 

 Tant pis   said her Ladyship   I hope it may do her good    Then  in a
lower tone  but still loud enough for me to hear   I noticed her  I am a
judge of physiognomy  and in hers I see all the faults of her class  

 What are they  madam   inquired Mr  Rochester aloud 

 I will tell you in your private ear   replied she  wagging her turban
three times with portentous significancy 

 But my curiosity will be past its appetite  it craves food now  

 Ask Blanche  she is nearer you than I  

 Oh  don t refer him to me  mama   I have just one word to say of the
whole tribe  they are a nuisance   Not that I ever suffered much from
them  I took care to turn the tables   What tricks Theodore and I used to
play on our Miss Wilsons  and Mrs  Greys  and Madame Jouberts   Mary was
always too sleepy to join in a plot with spirit   The best fun was with
Madame Joubert  Miss Wilson was a poor sickly thing  lachrymose and low 
spirited  not worth the trouble of vanquishing  in short  and Mrs  Grey
was coarse and insensible  no blow took effect on her   But poor Madame
Joubert   I see her yet in her raging passions  when we had driven her to
extremities  spilt our tea  crumbled our bread and butter  tossed our
books up to the ceiling  and played a charivari with the ruler and desk 
the fender and fire irons   Theodore  do you remember those merry days  

 Yaas  to be sure I do   drawled Lord Ingram   and the poor old stick
used to cry out  Oh you villains childs    and then we sermonised her on
the presumption of attempting to teach such clever blades as we were 
when she was herself so ignorant  

 We did  and  Tedo  you know  I helped you in prosecuting  or
persecuting  your tutor  whey faced Mr  Vining  the parson in the pip  as
we used to call him   He and Miss Wilson took the liberty of falling in
love with each other  at least Tedo and I thought so  we surprised sundry
tender glances and sighs which we interpreted as tokens of  la belle
passion   and I promise you the public soon had the benefit of our
discovery  we employed it as a sort of lever to hoist our dead weights
from the house   Dear mama  there  as soon as she got an inkling of the
business  found out that it was of an immoral tendency   Did you not  my
lady mother  

 Certainly  my best   And I was quite right  depend on that  there are a
thousand reasons why liaisons between governesses and tutors should never
be tolerated a moment in any well regulated house  firstly   

 Oh  gracious  mama   Spare us the enumeration    Au reste   we all know
them  danger of bad example to innocence of childhood  distractions and
consequent neglect of duty on the part of the attached  mutual alliance
and reliance  confidence thence resulting  insolence accompanying  mutiny
and general blow up   Am I right  Baroness Ingram  of Ingram Park  

 My lily flower  you are right now  as always  

 Then no more need be said  change the subject  

Amy Eshton  not hearing or not heeding this dictum  joined in with her
soft  infantine tone   Louisa and I used to quiz our governess too  but
she was such a good creature  she would bear anything  nothing put her
out   She was never cross with us  was she  Louisa  

 No  never  we might do what we pleased  ransack her desk and her
workbox  and turn her drawers inside out  and she was so good natured 
she would give us anything we asked for  

 I suppose  now   said Miss Ingram  curling her lip sarcastically   we
shall have an abstract of the memoirs of all the governesses extant  in
order to avert such a visitation  I again move the introduction of a new
topic   Mr  Rochester  do you second my motion  

 Madam  I support you on this point  as on every other  

 Then on me be the onus of bringing it forward   Signior Eduardo  are you
in voice to night  

 Donna Bianca  if you command it  I will be  

 Then  signior  I lay on you my sovereign behest to furbish up your lungs
and other vocal organs  as they will be wanted on my royal service  

 Who would not be the Rizzio of so divine a Mary  

 A fig for Rizzio   cried she  tossing her head with all its curls  as
she moved to the piano    It is my opinion the fiddler David must have
been an insipid sort of fellow  I like black Bothwell better  to my mind
a man is nothing without a spice of the devil in him  and history may say
what it will of James Hepburn  but I have a notion  he was just the sort
of wild  fierce  bandit hero whom I could have consented to gift with my
hand  

 Gentlemen  you hear   Now which of you most resembles Bothwell   cried
Mr  Rochester 

 I should say the preference lies with you   responded Colonel Dent 

 On my honour  I am much obliged to you   was the reply 

Miss Ingram  who had now seated herself with proud grace at the piano 
spreading out her snowy robes in queenly amplitude  commenced a brilliant
prelude  talking meantime   She appeared to be on her high horse
to night  both her words and her air seemed intended to excite not only
the admiration  but the amazement of her auditors  she was evidently bent
on striking them as something very dashing and daring indeed 

 Oh  I am so sick of the young men of the present day   exclaimed she 
rattling away at the instrument    Poor  puny things  not fit to stir a
step beyond papa s park gates  nor to go even so far without mama s
permission and guardianship   Creatures so absorbed in care about their
pretty faces  and their white hands  and their small feet  as if a man
had anything to do with beauty   As if loveliness were not the special
prerogative of woman  her legitimate appanage and heritage   I grant an
ugly  woman  is a blot on the fair face of creation  but as to the
 gentlemen   let them be solicitous to possess only strength and valour 
let their motto be   Hunt  shoot  and fight  the rest is not worth a
fillip   Such should be my device  were I a man  

 Whenever I marry   she continued after a pause which none interrupted 
 I am resolved my husband shall not be a rival  but a foil to me   I will
suffer no competitor near the throne  I shall exact an undivided homage 
his devotions shall not be shared between me and the shape he sees in his
mirror   Mr  Rochester  now sing  and I will play for you  

 I am all obedience   was the response 

 Here then is a Corsair song   Know that I doat on Corsairs  and for that
reason  sing it  con spirito   

 Commands from Miss Ingram s lips would put spirit into a mug of milk and
water  

 Take care  then  if you don t please me  I will shame you by showing how
such things  should  be done  

 That is offering a premium on incapacity  I shall now endeavour to
fail  

 Gardez vous en bien   If you err wilfully  I shall devise a
proportionate punishment  

 Miss Ingram ought to be clement  for she has it in her power to inflict
a chastisement beyond mortal endurance  

 Ha  explain   commanded the lady 

 Pardon me  madam  no need of explanation  your own fine sense must
inform you that one of your frowns would be a sufficient substitute for
capital punishment  

 Sing   said she  and again touching the piano  she commenced an
accompaniment in spirited style 

 Now is my time to slip away   thought I  but the tones that then severed
the air arrested me   Mrs  Fairfax had said Mr  Rochester possessed a
fine voice  he did  a mellow  powerful bass  into which he threw his own
feeling  his own force  finding a way through the ear to the heart  and
there waking sensation strangely   I waited till the last deep and full
vibration had expired  till the tide of talk  checked an instant  had
resumed its flow  I then quitted my sheltered corner and made my exit by
the side door  which was fortunately near   Thence a narrow passage led
into the hall  in crossing it  I perceived my sandal was loose  I stopped
to tie it  kneeling down for that purpose on the mat at the foot of the
staircase   I heard the dining room door unclose  a gentleman came out 
rising hastily  I stood face to face with him  it was Mr  Rochester 

 How do you do   he asked 

 I am very well  sir  

 Why did you not come and speak to me in the room  

I thought I might have retorted the question on him who put it  but I
would not take that freedom   I answered  

 I did not wish to disturb you  as you seemed engaged  sir  

 What have you been doing during my absence  

 Nothing particular  teaching Adele as usual  

 And getting a good deal paler than you were  as I saw at first sight 
What is the matter  

 Nothing at all  sir  

 Did you take any cold that night you half drowned me  

 Not the least  

 Return to the drawing room  you are deserting too early  

 I am tired  sir  

He looked at me for a minute 

 And a little depressed   he said    What about   Tell me  

 Nothing  nothing  sir   I am not depressed  

 But I affirm that you are  so much depressed that a few more words would
bring tears to your eyes  indeed  they are there now  shining and
swimming  and a bead has slipped from the lash and fallen on to the flag 
If I had time  and was not in mortal dread of some prating prig of a
servant passing  I would know what all this means   Well  to night I
excuse you  but understand that so long as my visitors stay  I expect you
to appear in the drawing room every evening  it is my wish  don t neglect
it   Now go  and send Sophie for Adele   Good night  my     He stopped 
bit his lip  and abruptly left me 




CHAPTER XVIII


Merry days were these at Thornfield Hall  and busy days too  how
different from the first three months of stillness  monotony  and
solitude I had passed beneath its roof   All sad feelings seemed now
driven from the house  all gloomy associations forgotten  there was life
everywhere  movement all day long   You could not now traverse the
gallery  once so hushed  nor enter the front chambers  once so
tenantless  without encountering a smart lady s maid or a dandy valet 

The kitchen  the butler s pantry  the servants  hall  the entrance hall 
were equally alive  and the saloons were only left void and still when
the blue sky and halcyon sunshine of the genial spring weather called
their occupants out into the grounds   Even when that weather was broken 
and continuous rain set in for some days  no damp seemed cast over
enjoyment  indoor amusements only became more lively and varied  in
consequence of the stop put to outdoor gaiety 

I wondered what they were going to do the first evening a change of
entertainment was proposed  they spoke of  playing charades   but in my
ignorance I did not understand the term   The servants were called in 
the dining room tables wheeled away  the lights otherwise disposed  the
chairs placed in a semicircle opposite the arch   While Mr  Rochester and
the other gentlemen directed these alterations  the ladies were running
up and down stairs ringing for their maids   Mrs  Fairfax was summoned to
give information respecting the resources of the house in shawls 
dresses  draperies of any kind  and certain wardrobes of the third storey
were ransacked  and their contents  in the shape of brocaded and hooped
petticoats  satin sacques  black modes  lace lappets   c   were brought
down in armfuls by the abigails  then a selection was made  and such
things as were chosen were carried to the boudoir within the
drawing room 

Meantime  Mr  Rochester had again summoned the ladies round him  and was
selecting certain of their number to be of his party    Miss Ingram is
mine  of course   said he  afterwards he named the two Misses Eshton  and
Mrs  Dent   He looked at me  I happened to be near him  as I had been
fastening the clasp of Mrs  Dent s bracelet  which had got loose 

 Will you play   he asked   I shook my head   He did not insist  which I
rather feared he would have done  he allowed me to return quietly to my
usual seat 

He and his aids now withdrew behind the curtain  the other party  which
was headed by Colonel Dent  sat down on the crescent of chairs   One of
the gentlemen  Mr  Eshton  observing me  seemed to propose that I should
be asked to join them  but Lady Ingram instantly negatived the notion 

 No   I heard her say   she looks too stupid for any game of the sort  

Ere long a bell tinkled  and the curtain drew up   Within the arch  the
bulky figure of Sir George Lynn  whom Mr  Rochester had likewise chosen 
was seen enveloped in a white sheet  before him  on a table  lay open a
large book  and at his side stood Amy Eshton  draped in Mr  Rochester s
cloak  and holding a book in her hand   Somebody  unseen  rang the bell
merrily  then Adele  who had insisted on being one of her guardian s
party   bounded forward  scattering round her the contents of a basket of
flowers she carried on her arm   Then appeared the magnificent figure of
Miss Ingram  clad in white  a long veil on her head  and a wreath of
roses round her brow  by her side walked Mr  Rochester  and together they
drew near the table   They knelt  while Mrs  Dent and Louisa Eshton 
dressed also in white  took up their stations behind them   A ceremony
followed  in dumb show  in which it was easy to recognise the pantomime
of a marriage   At its termination  Colonel Dent and his party consulted
in whispers for two minutes  then the Colonel called out  

 Bride   Mr  Rochester bowed  and the curtain fell 

A considerable interval elapsed before it again rose   Its second rising
displayed a more elaborately prepared scene than the last   The drawing 
room  as I have before observed  was raised two steps above the dining 
room  and on the top of the upper step  placed a yard or two back within
the room  appeared a large marble basin  which I recognised as an
ornament of the conservatory  where it usually stood  surrounded by
exotics  and tenanted by gold fish  and whence it must have been
transported with some trouble  on account of its size and weight 

Seated on the carpet  by the side of this basin  was seen Mr  Rochester 
costumed in shawls  with a turban on his head   His dark eyes and swarthy
skin and Paynim features suited the costume exactly  he looked the very
model of an Eastern emir  an agent or a victim of the bowstring 
Presently advanced into view Miss Ingram   She  too  was attired in
oriental fashion  a crimson scarf tied sash like round the waist  an
embroidered handkerchief knotted about her temples  her
beautifully moulded arms bare  one of them upraised in the act of
supporting a pitcher  poised gracefully on her head   Both her cast of
form and feature  her complexion and her general air  suggested the idea
of some Israelitish princess of the patriarchal days  and such was
doubtless the character she intended to represent 

She approached the basin  and bent over it as if to fill her pitcher  she
again lifted it to her head   The personage on the well brink now seemed
to accost her  to make some request    She hasted  let down her pitcher
on her hand  and gave him to drink    From the bosom of his robe he then
produced a casket  opened it and showed magnificent bracelets and
earrings  she acted astonishment and admiration  kneeling  he laid the
treasure at her feet  incredulity and delight were expressed by her looks
and gestures  the stranger fastened the bracelets on her arms and the
rings in her ears   It was Eliezer and Rebecca  the camels only were
wanting 

The divining party again laid their heads together  apparently they could
not agree about the word or syllable the scene illustrated   Colonel
Dent  their spokesman  demanded  the tableau of the whole   whereupon the
curtain again descended 

On its third rising only a portion of the drawing room was disclosed  the
rest being concealed by a screen  hung with some sort of dark and coarse
drapery   The marble basin was removed  in its place  stood a deal table
and a kitchen chair  these objects were visible by a very dim light
proceeding from a horn lantern  the wax candles being all extinguished 

Amidst this sordid scene  sat a man with his clenched hands resting on
his knees  and his eyes bent on the ground   I knew Mr  Rochester  though
the begrimed face  the disordered dress  his coat hanging loose from one
arm  as if it had been almost torn from his back in a scuffle   the
desperate and scowling countenance  the rough  bristling hair might well
have disguised him   As he moved  a chain clanked  to his wrists were
attached fetters 

 Bridewell   exclaimed Colonel Dent  and the charade was solved 

A sufficient interval having elapsed for the performers to resume their
ordinary costume  they re entered the dining room   Mr  Rochester led in
Miss Ingram  she was complimenting him on his acting 

 Do you know   said she   that  of the three characters  I liked you in
the last best   Oh  had you but lived a few years earlier  what a gallant
gentleman highwayman you would have made  

 Is all the soot washed from my face   he asked  turning it towards her 

 Alas  yes  the more s the pity   Nothing could be more becoming to your
complexion than that ruffian s rouge  

 You would like a hero of the road then  

 An English hero of the road would be the next best thing to an Italian
bandit  and that could only be surpassed by a Levantine pirate  

 Well  whatever I am  remember you are my wife  we were married an hour
since  in the presence of all these witnesses    She giggled  and her
colour rose 

 Now  Dent   continued Mr  Rochester   it is your turn    And as the
other party withdrew  he and his band took the vacated seats   Miss
Ingram placed herself at her leader s right hand  the other diviners
filled the chairs on each side of him and her   I did not now watch the
actors  I no longer waited with interest for the curtain to rise  my
attention was absorbed by the spectators  my eyes  erewhile fixed on the
arch  were now irresistibly attracted to the semicircle of chairs   What
charade Colonel Dent and his party played  what word they chose  how they
acquitted themselves  I no longer remember  but I still see the
consultation which followed each scene  I see Mr  Rochester turn to Miss
Ingram  and Miss Ingram to him  I see her incline her head towards him 
till the jetty curls almost touch his shoulder and wave against his
cheek  I hear their mutual whisperings  I recall their interchanged
glances  and something even of the feeling roused by the spectacle
returns in memory at this moment 

I have told you  reader  that I had learnt to love Mr  Rochester  I could
not unlove him now  merely because I found that he had ceased to notice
me  because I might pass hours in his presence  and he would never once
turn his eyes in my direction  because I saw all his attentions
appropriated by a great lady  who scorned to touch me with the hem of her
robes as she passed  who  if ever her dark and imperious eye fell on me
by chance  would withdraw it instantly as from an object too mean to
merit observation   I could not unlove him  because I felt sure he would
soon marry this very lady  because I read daily in her a proud security
in his intentions respecting her  because I witnessed hourly in him a
style of courtship which  if careless and choosing rather to be sought
than to seek  was yet  in its very carelessness  captivating  and in its
very pride  irresistible 

There was nothing to cool or banish love in these circumstances  though
much to create despair   Much too  you will think  reader  to engender
jealousy  if a woman  in my position  could presume to be jealous of a
woman in Miss Ingram s   But I was not jealous  or very rarely   the
nature of the pain I suffered could not be explained by that word   Miss
Ingram was a mark beneath jealousy  she was too inferior to excite the
feeling   Pardon the seeming paradox  I mean what I say   She was very
showy  but she was not genuine  she had a fine person  many brilliant
attainments  but her mind was poor  her heart barren by nature  nothing
bloomed spontaneously on that soil  no unforced natural fruit delighted
by its freshness   She was not good  she was not original  she used to
repeat sounding phrases from books  she never offered  nor had  an
opinion of her own   She advocated a high tone of sentiment  but she did
not know the sensations of sympathy and pity  tenderness and truth were
not in her   Too often she betrayed this  by the undue vent she gave to a
spiteful antipathy she had conceived against little Adele  pushing her
away with some contumelious epithet if she happened to approach her 
sometimes ordering her from the room  and always treating her with
coldness and acrimony   Other eyes besides mine watched these
manifestations of character  watched them closely  keenly  shrewdly   Yes 
the future bridegroom  Mr  Rochester himself  exercised over his intended
a ceaseless surveillance  and it was from this sagacity  this guardedness
of his  this perfect  clear consciousness of his fair one s defects  this
obvious absence of passion in his sentiments towards her  that my ever 
torturing pain arose 

I saw he was going to marry her  for family  perhaps political reasons 
because her rank and connections suited him  I felt he had not given her
his love  and that her qualifications were ill adapted to win from him
that treasure   This was the point  this was where the nerve was touched
and teased  this was where the fever was sustained and fed   she could
not charm him  

If she had managed the victory at once  and he had yielded and sincerely
laid his heart at her feet  I should have covered my face  turned to the
wall  and  figuratively  have died to them   If Miss Ingram had been a
good and noble woman  endowed with force  fervour  kindness  sense  I
should have had one vital struggle with two tigers  jealousy and despair 
then  my heart torn out and devoured  I should have admired
her  acknowledged her excellence  and been quiet for the rest of my days 
and the more absolute her superiority  the deeper would have been my
admiration  the more truly tranquil my quiescence   But as matters really
stood  to watch Miss Ingram s efforts at fascinating Mr  Rochester  to
witness their repeated failure  herself unconscious that they did fail 
vainly fancying that each shaft launched hit the mark  and infatuatedly
pluming herself on success  when her pride and self complacency repelled
further and further what she wished to allure  to witness  this   was to
be at once under ceaseless excitation and ruthless restraint 

Because  when she failed  I saw how she might have succeeded   Arrows
that continually glanced off from Mr  Rochester s breast and fell
harmless at his feet  might  I knew  if shot by a surer hand  have
quivered keen in his proud heart  have called love into his stern eye 
and softness into his sardonic face  or  better still  without weapons a
silent conquest might have been won 

 Why can she not influence him more  when she is privileged to draw so
near to him   I asked myself    Surely she cannot truly like him  or not
like him with true affection   If she did  she need not coin her smiles
so lavishly  flash her glances so unremittingly  manufacture airs so
elaborate  graces so multitudinous   It seems to me that she might  by
merely sitting quietly at his side  saying little and looking less  get
nigher his heart   I have seen in his face a far different expression
from that which hardens it now while she is so vivaciously accosting him 
but then it came of itself  it was not elicited by meretricious arts and
calculated manoeuvres  and one had but to accept it  to answer what he
asked without pretension  to address him when needful without grimace  and
it increased and grew kinder and more genial  and warmed one like a
fostering sunbeam   How will she manage to please him when they are
married   I do not think she will manage it  and yet it might be managed 
and his wife might  I verily believe  be the very happiest woman the sun
shines on  

I have not yet said anything condemnatory of Mr  Rochester s project of
marrying for interest and connections   It surprised me when I first
discovered that such was his intention  I had thought him a man unlikely
to be influenced by motives so commonplace in his choice of a wife  but
the longer I considered the position  education   c   of the parties  the
less I felt justified in judging and blaming either him or Miss Ingram
for acting in conformity to ideas and principles instilled into them 
doubtless  from their childhood   All their class held these principles 
I supposed  then  they had reasons for holding them such as I could not
fathom   It seemed to me that  were I a gentleman like him  I would take
to my bosom only such a wife as I could love  but the very obviousness of
the advantages to the husband s own happiness offered by this plan
convinced me that there must be arguments against its general adoption of
which I was quite ignorant  otherwise I felt sure all the world would act
as I wished to act 

But in other points  as well as this  I was growing very lenient to my
master  I was forgetting all his faults  for which I had once kept a
sharp look out   It had formerly been my endeavour to study all sides of
his character  to take the bad with the good  and from the just weighing
of both  to form an equitable judgment   Now I saw no bad   The sarcasm
that had repelled  the harshness that had startled me once  were only
like keen condiments in a choice dish  their presence was pungent  but
their absence would be felt as comparatively insipid   And as for the
vague something  was it a sinister or a sorrowful  a designing or a
desponding expression   that opened upon a careful observer  now and
then  in his eye  and closed again before one could fathom the strange
depth partially disclosed  that something which used to make me fear and
shrink  as if I had been wandering amongst volcanic looking hills  and
had suddenly felt the ground quiver and seen it gape  that something  I 
at intervals  beheld still  and with throbbing heart  but not with
palsied nerves   Instead of wishing to shun  I longed only to dare  to
divine it  and I thought Miss Ingram happy  because one day she might
look into the abyss at her leisure  explore its secrets and analyse their
nature 

Meantime  while I thought only of my master and his future bride  saw
only them  heard only their discourse  and considered only their
movements of importance  the rest of the party were occupied with their
own separate interests and pleasures   The Ladies Lynn and Ingram
continued to consort in solemn conferences  where they nodded their two
turbans at each other  and held up their four hands in confronting
gestures of surprise  or mystery  or horror  according to the theme on
which their gossip ran  like a pair of magnified puppets   Mild Mrs  Dent
talked with good natured Mrs  Eshton  and the two sometimes bestowed a
courteous word or smile on me   Sir George Lynn  Colonel Dent  and Mr 
Eshton discussed politics  or county affairs  or justice business   Lord
Ingram flirted with Amy Eshton  Louisa played and sang to and with one of
the Messrs  Lynn  and Mary Ingram listened languidly to the gallant
speeches of the other   Sometimes all  as with one consent  suspended
their by play to observe and listen to the principal actors  for  after
all  Mr  Rochester and  because closely connected with him  Miss Ingram
were the life and soul of the party   If he was absent from the room an
hour  a perceptible dulness seemed to steal over the spirits of his
guests  and his re entrance was sure to give a fresh impulse to the
vivacity of conversation 

The want of his animating influence appeared to be peculiarly felt one
day that he had been summoned to Millcote on business  and was not likely
to return till late   The afternoon was wet  a walk the party had
proposed to take to see a gipsy camp  lately pitched on a common beyond
Hay  was consequently deferred   Some of the gentlemen were gone to the
stables  the younger ones  together with the younger ladies  were playing
billiards in the billiard room   The dowagers Ingram and Lynn sought
solace in a quiet game at cards   Blanche Ingram  after having repelled 
by supercilious taciturnity  some efforts of Mrs  Dent and Mrs  Eshton to
draw her into conversation  had first murmured over some sentimental
tunes and airs on the piano  and then  having fetched a novel from the
library  had flung herself in haughty listlessness on a sofa  and
prepared to beguile  by the spell of fiction  the tedious hours of
absence   The room and the house were silent  only now and then the
merriment of the billiard players was heard from above 

It was verging on dusk  and the clock had already given warning of the
hour to dress for dinner  when little Adele  who knelt by me in the
drawing room window seat  suddenly exclaimed  

 Voila  Monsieur Rochester  qui revient  

I turned  and Miss Ingram darted forwards from her sofa  the others  too 
looked up from their several occupations  for at the same time a
crunching of wheels and a splashing tramp of horse hoofs became audible
on the wet gravel   A post chaise was approaching 

 What can possess him to come home in that style   said Miss Ingram    He
rode Mesrour  the black horse   did he not  when he went out  and Pilot
was with him   what has he done with the animals  

As she said this  she approached her tall person and ample garments so
near the window  that I was obliged to bend back almost to the breaking
of my spine  in her eagerness she did not observe me at first  but when
she did  she curled her lip and moved to another casement   The
post chaise stopped  the driver rang the door bell  and a gentleman
alighted attired in travelling garb  but it was not Mr  Rochester  it was
a tall  fashionable looking man  a stranger 

 How provoking   exclaimed Miss Ingram   you tiresome monkey  
 apostrophising Adele    who perched you up in the window to give false
intelligence   and she cast on me an angry glance  as if I were in fault 

Some parleying was audible in the hall  and soon the new comer entered 
He bowed to Lady Ingram  as deeming her the eldest lady present 

 It appears I come at an inopportune time  madam   said he   when my
friend  Mr  Rochester  is from home  but I arrive from a very long
journey  and I think I may presume so far on old and intimate
acquaintance as to instal myself here till he returns  

His manner was polite  his accent  in speaking  struck me as being
somewhat unusual   not precisely foreign  but still not altogether
English  his age might be about Mr  Rochester s   between thirty and
forty  his complexion was singularly sallow  otherwise he was a
fine looking man  at first sight especially   On closer examination  you
detected something in his face that displeased  or rather that failed to
please   His features were regular  but too relaxed  his eye was large
and well cut  but the life looking out of it was a tame  vacant life  at
least so I thought 

The sound of the dressing bell dispersed the party   It was not till
after dinner that I saw him again  he then seemed quite at his ease   But
I liked his physiognomy even less than before  it struck me as being at
the same time unsettled and inanimate   His eye wandered  and had no
meaning in its wandering  this gave him an odd look  such as I never
remembered to have seen   For a handsome and not an unamiable looking
man  he repelled me exceedingly  there was no power in that
smooth skinned face of a full oval shape  no firmness in that aquiline
nose and small cherry mouth  there was no thought on the low  even
forehead  no command in that blank  brown eye 

As I sat in my usual nook  and looked at him with the light of the
girandoles on the mantelpiece beaming full over him  for he occupied an
arm chair drawn close to the fire  and kept shrinking still nearer  as if
he were cold  I compared him with Mr  Rochester   I think  with deference
be it spoken  the contrast could not be much greater between a sleek
gander and a fierce falcon  between a meek sheep and the rough coated
keen eyed dog  its guardian 

He had spoken of Mr  Rochester as an old friend   A curious friendship
theirs must have been  a pointed illustration  indeed  of the old adage
that  extremes meet  

Two or three of the gentlemen sat near him  and I caught at times scraps
of their conversation across the room   At first I could not make much
sense of what I heard  for the discourse of Louisa Eshton and Mary
Ingram  who sat nearer to me  confused the fragmentary sentences that
reached me at intervals   These last were discussing the stranger  they
both called him  a beautiful man    Louisa said he was  a love of a
creature   and she  adored him   and Mary instanced his  pretty little
mouth  and nice nose   as her ideal of the charming 

 And what a sweet tempered forehead he has   cried Louisa    so
smooth  none of those frowning irregularities I dislike so much  and such
a placid eye and smile  

And then  to my great relief  Mr  Henry Lynn summoned them to the other
side of the room  to settle some point about the deferred excursion to
Hay Common 

I was now able to concentrate my attention on the group by the fire  and
I presently gathered that the new comer was called Mr  Mason  then I
learned that he was but just arrived in England  and that he came from
some hot country  which was the reason  doubtless  his face was so
sallow  and that he sat so near the hearth  and wore a surtout in the
house   Presently the words Jamaica  Kingston  Spanish Town  indicated
the West Indies as his residence  and it was with no little surprise I
gathered  ere long  that he had there first seen and become acquainted
with Mr  Rochester   He spoke of his friend s dislike of the burning
heats  the hurricanes  and rainy seasons of that region   I knew Mr 
Rochester had been a traveller  Mrs  Fairfax had said so  but I thought
the continent of Europe had bounded his wanderings  till now I had never
heard a hint given of visits to more distant shores 

I was pondering these things  when an incident  and a somewhat unexpected
one  broke the thread of my musings   Mr  Mason  shivering as some one
chanced to open the door  asked for more coal to be put on the fire 
which had burnt out its flame  though its mass of cinder still shone hot
and red   The footman who brought the coal  in going out  stopped near
Mr  Eshton s chair  and said something to him in a low voice  of which I
heard only the words   old woman     quite troublesome  

 Tell her she shall be put in the stocks if she does not take herself
off   replied the magistrate 

 No  stop   interrupted Colonel Dent    Don t send her away  Eshton  we
might turn the thing to account  better consult the ladies    And
speaking aloud  he continued   Ladies  you talked of going to Hay Common
to visit the gipsy camp  Sam here says that one of the old Mother Bunches
is in the servants  hall at this moment  and insists upon being brought
in before  the quality   to tell them their fortunes   Would you like to
see her  

 Surely  colonel   cried Lady Ingram   you would not encourage such a low
impostor   Dismiss her  by all means  at once  

 But I cannot persuade her to go away  my lady   said the footman   nor
can any of the servants  Mrs  Fairfax is with her just now  entreating
her to be gone  but she has taken a chair in the chimney corner  and says
nothing shall stir her from it till she gets leave to come in here  

 What does she want   asked Mrs  Eshton 

  To tell the gentry their fortunes   she says  ma am  and she swears she
must and will do it  

 What is she like   inquired the Misses Eshton  in a breath 

 A shockingly ugly old creature  miss  almost as black as a crock  

 Why  she s a real sorceress   cried Frederick Lynn    Let us have her
in  of course  

 To be sure   rejoined his brother   it would be a thousand pities to
throw away such a chance of fun  

 My dear boys  what are you thinking about   exclaimed Mrs  Lynn 

 I cannot possibly countenance any such inconsistent proceeding   chimed
in the Dowager Ingram 

 Indeed  mama  but you can  and will   pronounced the haughty voice of
Blanche  as she turned round on the piano stool  where till now she had
sat silent  apparently examining sundry sheets of music    I have a
curiosity to hear my fortune told  therefore  Sam  order the beldame
forward  

 My darling Blanche  recollect   

 I do  I recollect all you can suggest  and I must have my will  quick 
Sam  

 Yes  yes  yes   cried all the juveniles  both ladies and gentlemen    Let
her come  it will be excellent sport  

The footman still lingered    She looks such a rough one   said he 

 Go   ejaculated Miss Ingram  and the man went 

Excitement instantly seized the whole party  a running fire of raillery
and jests was proceeding when Sam returned 

 She won t come now   said he    She says it s not her mission to appear
before the  vulgar herd   them s her words    I must show her into a room
by herself  and then those who wish to consult her must go to her one by
one  

 You see now  my queenly Blanche   began Lady Ingram   she encroaches   Be
advised  my angel girl  and   

 Show her into the library  of course   cut in the  angel girl     It is
not my mission to listen to her before the vulgar herd either  I mean to
have her all to myself   Is there a fire in the library  

 Yes  ma am  but she looks such a tinkler  

 Cease that chatter  blockhead  and do my bidding  

Again Sam vanished  and mystery  animation  expectation rose to full flow
once more 

 She s ready now   said the footman  as he reappeared    She wishes to
know who will be her first visitor  

 I think I had better just look in upon her before any of the ladies go  
said Colonel Dent 

 Tell her  Sam  a gentleman is coming  

Sam went and returned 

 She says  sir  that she ll have no gentlemen  they need not trouble
themselves to come near her  nor   he added  with difficulty suppressing
a titter   any ladies either  except the young  and single  

 By Jove  she has taste   exclaimed Henry Lynn 

Miss Ingram rose solemnly   I go first   she said  in a tone which might
have befitted the leader of a forlorn hope  mounting a breach in the van
of his men 

 Oh  my best  oh  my dearest  pause  reflect   was her mama s cry  but
she swept past her in stately silence  passed through the door which
Colonel Dent held open  and we heard her enter the library 

A comparative silence ensued   Lady Ingram thought it  le cas  to wring
her hands  which she did accordingly   Miss Mary declared she felt  for
her part  she never dared venture   Amy and Louisa Eshton tittered under
their breath  and looked a little frightened 

The minutes passed very slowly  fifteen were counted before the library 
door again opened   Miss Ingram returned to us through the arch 

Would she laugh   Would she take it as a joke   All eyes met her with a
glance of eager curiosity  and she met all eyes with one of rebuff and
coldness  she looked neither flurried nor merry  she walked stiffly to
her seat  and took it in silence 

 Well  Blanche   said Lord Ingram 

 What did she say  sister   asked Mary 

 What did you think   How do you feel   Is she a real fortune teller  
demanded the Misses Eshton 

 Now  now  good people   returned Miss Ingram   don t press upon me 
Really your organs of wonder and credulity are easily excited  you seem 
by the importance of you all  my good mama included  ascribe to this
matter  absolutely to believe we have a genuine witch in the house  who
is in close alliance with the old gentleman   I have seen a gipsy
vagabond  she has practised in hackneyed fashion the science of palmistry
and told me what such people usually tell   My whim is gratified  and now
I think Mr  Eshton will do well to put the hag in the stocks to morrow
morning  as he threatened  

Miss Ingram took a book  leant back in her chair  and so declined further
conversation   I watched her for nearly half an hour  during all that
time she never turned a page  and her face grew momently darker  more
dissatisfied  and more sourly expressive of disappointment   She had
obviously not heard anything to her advantage  and it seemed to me  from
her prolonged fit of gloom and taciturnity  that she herself 
notwithstanding her professed indifference  attached undue importance to
whatever revelations had been made her 

 During all that time she never turned a page  p184 jpg 

Meantime  Mary Ingram  Amy and Louisa Eshton  declared they dared not go
alone  and yet they all wished to go   A negotiation was opened through
the medium of the ambassador  Sam  and after much pacing to and fro 
till  I think  the said Sam s calves must have ached with the exercise 
permission was at last  with great difficulty  extorted from the rigorous
Sibyl  for the three to wait upon her in a body 

Their visit was not so still as Miss Ingram s had been  we heard
hysterical giggling and little shrieks proceeding from the library  and
at the end of about twenty minutes they burst the door open  and came
running across the hall  as if they were half scared out of their wits 

 I am sure she is something not right   they cried  one and all    She
told us such things   She knows all about us   and they sank breathless
into the various seats the gentlemen hastened to bring them 

Pressed for further explanation  they declared she had told them of
things they had said and done when they were mere children  described
books and ornaments they had in their boudoirs at home  keepsakes that
different relations had presented to them   They affirmed that she had
even divined their thoughts  and had whispered in the ear of each the
name of the person she liked best in the world  and informed them of what
they most wished for 

Here the gentlemen interposed with earnest petitions to be further
enlightened on these two last named points  but they got only blushes 
ejaculations  tremors  and titters  in return for their importunity   The
matrons  meantime  offered vinaigrettes and wielded fans  and again and
again reiterated the expression of their concern that their warning had
not been taken in time  and the elder gentlemen laughed  and the younger
urged their services on the agitated fair ones 

In the midst of the tumult  and while my eyes and ears were fully engaged
in the scene before me  I heard a hem close at my elbow  I turned  and
saw Sam 

 If you please  miss  the gipsy declares that there is another young
single lady in the room who has not been to her yet  and she swears she
will not go till she has seen all   I thought it must be you  there is no
one else for it   What shall I tell her  

 Oh  I will go by all means   I answered  and I was glad of the
unexpected opportunity to gratify my much excited curiosity   I slipped
out of the room  unobserved by any eye  for the company were gathered in
one mass about the trembling trio just returned  and I closed the door
quietly behind me 

 If you like  miss   said Sam   I ll wait in the hall for you  and if she
frightens you  just call and I ll come in  

 No  Sam  return to the kitchen  I am not in the least afraid    Nor was
I  but I was a good deal interested and excited 




CHAPTER XIX


The library looked tranquil enough as I entered it  and the Sibyl  if
Sibyl she were  was seated snugly enough in an easy chair at the chimney 
corner   She had on a red cloak and a black bonnet  or rather  a broad 
brimmed gipsy hat  tied down with a striped handkerchief under her chin 
An extinguished candle stood on the table  she was bending over the fire 
and seemed reading in a little black book  like a prayer book  by the
light of the blaze  she muttered the words to herself  as most old women
do  while she read  she did not desist immediately on my entrance  it
appeared she wished to finish a paragraph 

I stood on the rug and warmed my hands  which were rather cold with
sitting at a distance from the drawing room fire   I felt now as composed
as ever I did in my life  there was nothing indeed in the gipsy s
appearance to trouble one s calm   She shut her book and slowly looked
up  her hat brim partially shaded her face  yet I could see  as she
raised it  that it was a strange one   It looked all brown and black  elf 
locks bristled out from beneath a white band which passed under her chin 
and came half over her cheeks  or rather jaws  her eye confronted me at
once  with a bold and direct gaze 

 Well  and you want your fortune told   she said  in a voice as decided
as her glance  as harsh as her features 

 I don t care about it  mother  you may please yourself  but I ought to
warn you  I have no faith  

 It s like your impudence to say so  I expected it of you  I heard it in
your step as you crossed the threshold  

 Did you   You ve a quick ear  

 I have  and a quick eye and a quick brain  

 You need them all in your trade  

 I do  especially when I ve customers like you to deal with   Why don t
you tremble  

 I m not cold  

 Why don t you turn pale  

 I am not sick  

 Why don t you consult my art  

 I m not silly  

The old crone  nichered  a laugh under her bonnet and bandage  she then
drew out a short black pipe  and lighting it began to smoke   Having
indulged a while in this sedative  she raised her bent body  took the
pipe from her lips  and while gazing steadily at the fire  said very
deliberately   You are cold  you are sick  and you are silly  

 Prove it   I rejoined 

 I will  in few words   You are cold  because you are alone  no contact
strikes the fire from you that is in you   You are sick  because the best
of feelings  the highest and the sweetest given to man  keeps far away
from you   You are silly  because  suffer as you may  you will not beckon
it to approach  nor will you stir one step to meet it where it waits
you  

She again put her short black pipe to her lips  and renewed her smoking
with vigour 

 You might say all that to almost any one who you knew lived as a
solitary dependent in a great house  

 I might say it to almost any one  but would it be true of almost any
one  

 In my circumstances  

 Yes  just so  in  your  circumstances  but find me another precisely
placed as you are  

 It would be easy to find you thousands  

 You could scarcely find me one   If you knew it  you are peculiarly
situated  very near happiness  yes  within reach of it   The materials
are all prepared  there only wants a movement to combine them   Chance
laid them somewhat apart  let them be once approached and bliss results  

 I don t understand enigmas   I never could guess a riddle in my life  

 If you wish me to speak more plainly  show me your palm  

 And I must cross it with silver  I suppose  

 To be sure  

I gave her a shilling  she put it into an old stocking foot which she
took out of her pocket  and having tied it round and returned it  she
told me to hold out my hand   I did   She approached her face to the
palm  and pored over it without touching it 

 It is too fine   said she    I can make nothing of such a hand as that 
almost without lines  besides  what is in a palm   Destiny is not written
there  

 I believe you   said I 

 No   she continued   it is in the face  on the forehead  about the eyes 
in the lines of the mouth   Kneel  and lift up your head  

 Ah  now you are coming to reality   I said  as I obeyed her    I shall
begin to put some faith in you presently  

I knelt within half a yard of her   She stirred the fire  so that a
ripple of light broke from the disturbed coal  the glare  however  as she
sat  only threw her face into deeper shadow  mine  it illumined 

 I wonder with what feelings you came to me to night   she said  when she
had examined me a while    I wonder what thoughts are busy in your heart
during all the hours you sit in yonder room with the fine people flitting
before you like shapes in a magic lantern  just as little sympathetic
communion passing between you and them as if they were really mere
shadows of human forms  and not the actual substance  

 I feel tired often  sleepy sometimes  but seldom sad  

 Then you have some secret hope to buoy you up and please you with
whispers of the future  

 Not I   The utmost I hope is  to save money enough out of my earnings to
set up a school some day in a little house rented by myself  

 A mean nutriment for the spirit to exist on  and sitting in that window 
seat  you see I know your habits     

 You have learned them from the servants  

 Ah  you think yourself sharp   Well  perhaps I have  to speak truth  I
have an acquaintance with one of them  Mrs  Poole   

I started to my feet when I heard the name 

 You have  have you   thought I   there is diablerie in the business
after all  then  

 Don t be alarmed   continued the strange being   she s a safe hand is
Mrs  Poole  close and quiet  any one may repose confidence in her   But 
as I was saying  sitting in that window seat  do you think of nothing but
your future school   Have you no present interest in any of the company
who occupy the sofas and chairs before you   Is there not one face you
study  one figure whose movements you follow with at least curiosity  

 I like to observe all the faces and all the figures  

 But do you never single one from the rest  or it may be  two  

 I do frequently  when the gestures or looks of a pair seem telling a
tale  it amuses me to watch them  

 What tale do you like best to hear  

 Oh  I have not much choice   They generally run on the same
theme  courtship  and promise to end in the same catastrophe  marriage  

 And do you like that monotonous theme  

 Positively  I don t care about it  it is nothing to me  

 Nothing to you   When a lady  young and full of life and health 
charming with beauty and endowed with the gifts of rank and fortune  sits
and smiles in the eyes of a gentleman you   

 I what  

 You know  and perhaps think well of  

 I don t know the gentlemen here   I have scarcely interchanged a
syllable with one of them  and as to thinking well of them  I consider
some respectable  and stately  and middle aged  and others young 
dashing  handsome  and lively  but certainly they are all at liberty to
be the recipients of whose smiles they please  without my feeling
disposed to consider the transaction of any moment to me  

 You don t know the gentlemen here   You have not exchanged a syllable
with one of them   Will you say that of the master of the house  

 He is not at home  

 A profound remark   A most ingenious quibble   He went to Millcote this
morning  and will be back here to night or to morrow  does that
circumstance exclude him from the list of your acquaintance  blot him  as
it were  out of existence  

 No  but I can scarcely see what Mr  Rochester has to do with the theme
you had introduced  

 I was talking of ladies smiling in the eyes of gentlemen  and of late so
many smiles have been shed into Mr  Rochester s eyes that they overflow
like two cups filled above the brim  have you never remarked that  

 Mr  Rochester has a right to enjoy the society of his guests  

 No question about his right  but have you never observed that  of all
the tales told here about matrimony  Mr  Rochester has been favoured with
the most lively and the most continuous  

 The eagerness of a listener quickens the tongue of a narrator    I said
this rather to myself than to the gipsy  whose strange talk  voice 
manner  had by this time wrapped me in a kind of dream   One unexpected
sentence came from her lips after another  till I got involved in a web
of mystification  and wondered what unseen spirit had been sitting for
weeks by my heart watching its workings and taking record of every pulse 

 Eagerness of a listener   repeated she   yes  Mr  Rochester has sat by
the hour  his ear inclined to the fascinating lips that took such delight
in their task of communicating  and Mr  Rochester was so willing to
receive and looked so grateful for the pastime given him  you have
noticed this  

 Grateful   I cannot remember detecting gratitude in his face  

 Detecting   You have analysed  then   And what did you detect  if not
gratitude  

I said nothing 

 You have seen love  have you not   and  looking forward  you have seen
him married  and beheld his bride happy  

 Humph   Not exactly   Your witch s skill is rather at fault sometimes  

 What the devil have you seen  then  

 Never mind  I came here to inquire  not to confess   Is it known that
Mr  Rochester is to be married  

 Yes  and to the beautiful Miss Ingram  

 Shortly  

 Appearances would warrant that conclusion  and  no doubt  though  with
an audacity that wants chastising out of you  you seem to question it  
they will be a superlatively happy pair   He must love such a handsome 
noble  witty  accomplished lady  and probably she loves him  or  if not
his person  at least his purse   I know she considers the Rochester
estate eligible to the last degree  though  God pardon me   I told her
something on that point about an hour ago which made her look wondrous
grave  the corners of her mouth fell half an inch   I would advise her
blackaviced suitor to look out  if another comes  with a longer or
clearer rent roll   he s dished   

 But  mother  I did not come to hear Mr  Rochester s fortune  I came to
hear my own  and you have told me nothing of it  

 Your fortune is yet doubtful  when I examined your face  one trait
contradicted another   Chance has meted you a measure of happiness  that
I know   I knew it before I came here this evening   She has laid it
carefully on one side for you   I saw her do it   It depends on yourself
to stretch out your hand  and take it up  but whether you will do so  is
the problem I study   Kneel again on the rug  

 Don t keep me long  the fire scorches me  

 She did not stoop towards me  but only gazed  leaning back in her chair 
p190 jpg 

I knelt   She did not stoop towards me  but only gazed  leaning back in
her chair   She began muttering   

 The flame flickers in the eye  the eye shines like dew  it looks soft
and full of feeling  it smiles at my jargon  it is susceptible 
impression follows impression through its clear sphere  where it ceases
to smile  it is sad  an unconscious lassitude weighs on the lid  that
signifies melancholy resulting from loneliness   It turns from me  it
will not suffer further scrutiny  it seems to deny  by a mocking glance 
the truth of the discoveries I have already made   to disown the charge
both of sensibility and chagrin  its pride and reserve only confirm me in
my opinion   The eye is favourable 

 As to the mouth  it delights at times in laughter  it is disposed to
impart all that the brain conceives  though I daresay it would be silent
on much the heart experiences   Mobile and flexible  it was never
intended to be compressed in the eternal silence of solitude  it is a
mouth which should speak much and smile often  and have human affection
for its interlocutor   That feature too is propitious 

 I see no enemy to a fortunate issue but in the brow  and that brow
professes to say    I can live alone  if self respect  and circumstances
require me so to do   I need not sell my soul to buy bliss   I have an
inward treasure born with me  which can keep me alive if all extraneous
delights should be withheld  or offered only at a price I cannot afford
to give    The forehead declares   Reason sits firm and holds the reins 
and she will not let the feelings burst away and hurry her to wild
chasms   The passions may rage furiously  like true heathens  as they
are  and the desires may imagine all sorts of vain things  but judgment
shall still have the last word in every argument  and the casting vote in
every decision   Strong wind  earthquake shock  and fire may pass by  but
I shall follow the guiding of that still small voice which interprets the
dictates of conscience  

 Well said  forehead  your declaration shall be respected   I have formed
my plans  right plans I deem them  and in them I have attended to the
claims of conscience  the counsels of reason   I know how soon youth
would fade and bloom perish  if  in the cup of bliss offered  but one
dreg of shame  or one flavour of remorse were detected  and I do not want
sacrifice  sorrow  dissolution  such is not my taste   I wish to foster 
not to blight  to earn gratitude  not to wring tears of blood  no  nor of
brine  my harvest must be in smiles  in endearments  in sweet  That will
do   I think I rave in a kind of exquisite delirium   I should wish now
to protract this moment  ad infinitum   but I dare not   So far I have
governed myself thoroughly   I have acted as I inwardly swore I would
act  but further might try me beyond my strength   Rise  Miss Eyre  leave
me  the play is played out   

Where was I   Did I wake or sleep   Had I been dreaming   Did I dream
still   The old woman s voice had changed  her accent  her gesture  and
all were familiar to me as my own face in a glass  as the speech of my
own tongue   I got up  but did not go   I looked  I stirred the fire  and
I looked again  but she drew her bonnet and her bandage closer about her
face  and again beckoned me to depart   The flame illuminated her hand
stretched out  roused now  and on the alert for discoveries  I at once
noticed that hand   It was no more the withered limb of eld than my own 
it was a rounded supple member  with smooth fingers  symmetrically
turned  a broad ring flashed on the little finger  and stooping forward 
I looked at it  and saw a gem I had seen a hundred times before   Again I
looked at the face  which was no longer turned from me  on the contrary 
the bonnet was doffed  the bandage displaced  the head advanced 

 Well  Jane  do you know me   asked the familiar voice 

 Only take off the red cloak  sir  and then   

 But the string is in a knot  help me  

 Break it  sir  

 There  then   Off  ye lendings     And Mr  Rochester stepped out of his
disguise 

 Now  sir  what a strange idea  

 But well carried out  eh   Don t you think so  

 With the ladies you must have managed well  

 But not with you  

 You did not act the character of a gipsy with me  

 What character did I act   My own  

 No  some unaccountable one   In short  I believe you have been trying to
draw me out  or in  you have been talking nonsense to make me talk
nonsense   It is scarcely fair  sir  

 Do you forgive me  Jane  

 I cannot tell till I have thought it all over   If  on reflection  I
find I have fallen into no great absurdity  I shall try to forgive you 
but it was not right  

 Oh  you have been very correct  very careful  very sensible  

I reflected  and thought  on the whole  I had   It was a comfort  but 
indeed  I had been on my guard almost from the beginning of the
interview   Something of masquerade I suspected   I knew gipsies and
fortune tellers did not express themselves as this seeming old woman had
expressed herself  besides I had noted her feigned voice  her anxiety to
conceal her features   But my mind had been running on Grace Poole  that
living enigma  that mystery of mysteries  as I considered her   I had
never thought of Mr  Rochester 

 Well   said he   what are you musing about   What does that grave smile
signify  

 Wonder and self congratulation  sir   I have your permission to retire
now  I suppose  

 No  stay a moment  and tell me what the people in the drawing room
yonder are doing  

 Discussing the gipsy  I daresay  

 Sit down   Let me hear what they said about me  

 I had better not stay long  sir  it must be near eleven o clock   Oh 
are you aware  Mr  Rochester  that a stranger has arrived here since you
left this morning  

 A stranger   no  who can it be   I expected no one  is he gone  

 No  he said he had known you long  and that he could take the liberty of
installing himself here till you returned  

 The devil he did   Did he give his name  

 His name is Mason  sir  and he comes from the West Indies  from Spanish
Town  in Jamaica  I think  

Mr  Rochester was standing near me  he had taken my hand  as if to lead
me to a chair   As I spoke he gave my wrist a convulsive grip  the smile
on his lips froze  apparently a spasm caught his breath 

 Mason   the West Indies   he said  in the tone one might fancy a
speaking automaton to enounce its single words   Mason   the West
Indies   he reiterated  and he went over the syllables three times 
growing  in the intervals of speaking  whiter than ashes  he hardly
seemed to know what he was doing 

 Do you feel ill  sir   I inquired 

 Jane  I ve got a blow  I ve got a blow  Jane    He staggered 

 Oh  lean on me  sir  

 Jane  you offered me your shoulder once before  let me have it now  

 Yes  sir  yes  and my arm  

He sat down  and made me sit beside him   Holding my hand in both his
own  he chafed it  gazing on me  at the same time  with the most troubled
and dreary look 

 My little friend   said he   I wish I were in a quiet island with only
you  and trouble  and danger  and hideous recollections removed from me  

 Can I help you  sir   I d give my life to serve you  

 Jane  if aid is wanted  I ll seek it at your hands  I promise you that  

 Thank you  sir   Tell me what to do   I ll try  at least  to do it  

 Fetch me now  Jane  a glass of wine from the dining room  they will be
at supper there  and tell me if Mason is with them  and what he is
doing  

I went   I found all the party in the dining room at supper  as Mr 
Rochester had said  they were not seated at table   the supper was
arranged on the sideboard  each had taken what he chose  and they stood
about here and there in groups  their plates and glasses in their hands 
Every one seemed in high glee  laughter and conversation were general and
animated   Mr  Mason stood near the fire  talking to Colonel and Mrs 
Dent  and appeared as merry as any of them   I filled a wine glass  I saw
Miss Ingram watch me frowningly as I did so  she thought I was taking a
liberty  I daresay   and I returned to the library 

Mr  Rochester s extreme pallor had disappeared  and he looked once more
firm and stern   He took the glass from my hand 

 Here is to your health  ministrant spirit   he said   He swallowed the
contents and returned it to me    What are they doing  Jane  

 Laughing and talking  sir  

 They don t look grave and mysterious  as if they had heard something
strange  

 Not at all  they are full of jests and gaiety  

 And Mason  

 He was laughing too  

 If all these people came in a body and spat at me  what would you do 
Jane  

 Turn them out of the room  sir  if I could  

He half smiled    But if I were to go to them  and they only looked at me
coldly  and whispered sneeringly amongst each other  and then dropped off
and left me one by one  what then   Would you go with them  

 I rather think not  sir  I should have more pleasure in staying with
you  

 To comfort me  

 Yes  sir  to comfort you  as well as I could  

 And if they laid you under a ban for adhering to me  

 I  probably  should know nothing about their ban  and if I did  I should
care nothing about it  

 Then  you could dare censure for my sake  

 I could dare it for the sake of any friend who deserved my adherence  as
you  I am sure  do  

 Go back now into the room  step quietly up to Mason  and whisper in his
ear that Mr  Rochester is come and wishes to see him  show him in here
and then leave me  

 Yes  sir  

I did his behest   The company all stared at me as I passed straight
among them   I sought Mr  Mason  delivered the message  and preceded him
from the room  I ushered him into the library  and then I went upstairs 

At a late hour  after I had been in bed some time  I heard the visitors
repair to their chambers  I distinguished Mr  Rochester s voice  and
heard him say   This way  Mason  this is your room  

He spoke cheerfully  the gay tones set my heart at ease   I was soon
asleep 




CHAPTER XX


I had forgotten to draw my curtain  which I usually did  and also to let
down my window blind   The consequence was  that when the moon  which was
full and bright  for the night was fine   came in her course to that
space in the sky opposite my casement  and looked in at me through the
unveiled panes  her glorious gaze roused me   Awaking in the dead of
night  I opened my eyes on her disk  silver white and crystal clear   It
was beautiful  but too solemn  I half rose  and stretched my arm to draw
the curtain 

Good God   What a cry 

The night  its silence  its rest  was rent in twain by a savage  a sharp 
a shrilly sound that ran from end to end of Thornfield Hall 

My pulse stopped  my heart stood still  my stretched arm was paralysed 
The cry died  and was not renewed   Indeed  whatever being uttered that
fearful shriek could not soon repeat it  not the widest winged condor on
the Andes could  twice in succession  send out such a yell from the cloud
shrouding his eyrie   The thing delivering such utterance must rest ere
it could repeat the effort 

It came out of the third storey  for it passed overhead   And
overhead  yes  in the room just above my chamber ceiling  I now heard a
struggle  a deadly one it seemed from the noise  and a half smothered
voice shouted  

 Help  help  help   three times rapidly 

 Will no one come   it cried  and then  while the staggering and stamping
went on wildly  I distinguished through plank and plaster   

 Rochester   Rochester  for God s sake  come  

A chamber door opened  some one ran  or rushed  along the gallery 
Another step stamped on the flooring above and something fell  and there
was silence 

I had put on some clothes  though horror shook all my limbs  I issued
from my apartment   The sleepers were all aroused  ejaculations 
terrified murmurs sounded in every room  door after door unclosed  one
looked out and another looked out  the gallery filled   Gentlemen and
ladies alike had quitted their beds  and  Oh  what is it     Who is
hurt     What has happened     Fetch a light     Is it fire     Are there
robbers     Where shall we run   was demanded confusedly on all hands 
But for the moonlight they would have been in complete darkness   They
ran to and fro  they crowded together  some sobbed  some stumbled  the
confusion was inextricable 

 Where the devil is Rochester   cried Colonel Dent    I cannot find him
in his bed  

 Here  here   was shouted in return    Be composed  all of you  I m
coming  

And the door at the end of the gallery opened  and Mr  Rochester advanced
with a candle  he had just descended from the upper storey   One of the
ladies ran to him directly  she seized his arm  it was Miss Ingram 

 What awful event has taken place   said she    Speak  let us know the
worst at once  

 But don t pull me down or strangle me   he replied  for the Misses
Eshton were clinging about him now  and the two dowagers  in vast white
wrappers  were bearing down on him like ships in full sail 

 All s right   all s right   he cried    It s a mere rehearsal of Much
Ado about Nothing   Ladies  keep off  or I shall wax dangerous  

And dangerous he looked  his black eyes darted sparks   Calming himself
by an effort  he added  

 A servant has had the nightmare  that is all   She s an excitable 
nervous person  she construed her dream into an apparition  or something
of that sort  no doubt  and has taken a fit with fright   Now  then  I
must see you all back into your rooms  for  till the house is settled 
she cannot be looked after   Gentlemen  have the goodness to set the
ladies the example   Miss Ingram  I am sure you will not fail in evincing
superiority to idle terrors   Amy and Louisa  return to your nests like a
pair of doves  as you are    Mesdames   to the dowagers    you will take
cold to a dead certainty  if you stay in this chill gallery any longer  

And so  by dint of alternate coaxing and commanding  he contrived to get
them all once more enclosed in their separate dormitories   I did not
wait to be ordered back to mine  but retreated unnoticed  as unnoticed I
had left it 

Not  however  to go to bed  on the contrary  I began and dressed myself
carefully   The sounds I had heard after the scream  and the words that
had been uttered  had probably been heard only by me  for they had
proceeded from the room above mine  but they assured me that it was not a
servant s dream which had thus struck horror through the house  and that
the explanation Mr  Rochester had given was merely an invention framed to
pacify his guests   I dressed  then  to be ready for emergencies   When
dressed  I sat a long time by the window looking out over the silent
grounds and silvered fields and waiting for I knew not what   It seemed
to me that some event must follow the strange cry  struggle  and call 

No  stillness returned  each murmur and movement ceased gradually  and in
about an hour Thornfield Hall was again as hushed as a desert   It seemed
that sleep and night had resumed their empire   Meantime the moon
declined  she was about to set   Not liking to sit in the cold and
darkness  I thought I would lie down on my bed  dressed as I was   I left
the window  and moved with little noise across the carpet  as I stooped
to take off my shoes  a cautious hand tapped low at the door 

 Am I wanted   I asked 

 Are you up   asked the voice I expected to hear  viz   my master s 

 Yes  sir  

 And dressed  

 Yes  

 Come out  then  quietly  

I obeyed   Mr  Rochester stood in the gallery holding a light 

 I want you   he said   come this way  take your time  and make no
noise  

My slippers were thin  I could walk the matted floor as softly as a cat 
He glided up the gallery and up the stairs  and stopped in the dark  low
corridor of the fateful third storey  I had followed and stood at his
side 

 Have you a sponge in your room   he asked in a whisper 

 Yes  sir  

 Have you any salts  volatile salts  

 Yes  

 Go back and fetch both  

I returned  sought the sponge on the washstand  the salts in my drawer 
and once more retraced my steps   He still waited  he held a key in his
hand  approaching one of the small  black doors  he put it in the lock 
he paused  and addressed me again 

 You don t turn sick at the sight of blood  

 I think I shall not  I have never been tried yet  

I felt a thrill while I answered him  but no coldness  and no faintness 

 Just give me your hand   he said   it will not do to risk a fainting
fit  

I put my fingers into his    Warm and steady   was his remark  he turned
the key and opened the door 

I saw a room I remembered to have seen before  the day Mrs  Fairfax
showed me over the house  it was hung with tapestry  but the tapestry was
now looped up in one part  and there was a door apparent  which had then
been concealed   This door was open  a light shone out of the room
within  I heard thence a snarling  snatching sound  almost like a dog
quarrelling   Mr  Rochester  putting down his candle  said to me   Wait a
minute   and he went forward to the inner apartment   A shout of laughter
greeted his entrance  noisy at first  and terminating in Grace Poole s
own goblin ha  ha    She  then was there   He made some sort of
arrangement without speaking  though I heard a low voice address him  he
came out and closed the door behind him 

 Here  Jane   he said  and I walked round to the other side of a large
bed  which with its drawn curtains concealed a considerable portion of
the chamber   An easy chair was near the bed head  a man sat in it 
dressed with the exception of his coat  he was still  his head leant
back  his eyes were closed   Mr  Rochester held the candle over him  I
recognised in his pale and seemingly lifeless face  the stranger  Mason 
I saw too that his linen on one side  and one arm  was almost soaked in
blood 

 Hold the candle   said Mr  Rochester  and I took it  he fetched a basin
of water from the washstand   Hold that   said he   I obeyed   He took
the sponge  dipped it in  and moistened the corpse like face  he asked
for my smelling bottle  and applied it to the nostrils   Mr  Mason
shortly unclosed his eyes  he groaned   Mr  Rochester opened the shirt of
the wounded man  whose arm and shoulder were bandaged  he sponged away
blood  trickling fast down 

 Is there immediate danger   murmured Mr  Mason 

 Pooh   No  a mere scratch   Don t be so overcome  man  bear up   I ll
fetch a surgeon for you now  myself  you ll be able to be removed by
morning  I hope   Jane   he continued 

 Sir  

 I shall have to leave you in this room with this gentleman  for an hour 
or perhaps two hours  you will sponge the blood as I do when it returns 
if he feels faint  you will put the glass of water on that stand to his
lips  and your salts to his nose   You will not speak to him on any
pretext  and  Richard  it will be at the peril of your life if you speak
to her  open your lips  agitate yourself  and I ll not answer for the
consequences  

Again the poor man groaned  he looked as if he dared not move  fear 
either of death or of something else  appeared almost to paralyse him 
Mr  Rochester put the now bloody sponge into my hand  and I proceeded to
use it as he had done   He watched me a second  then saying 
 Remember   No conversation   he left the room   I experienced a strange
feeling as the key grated in the lock  and the sound of his retreating
step ceased to be heard 

Here then I was in the third storey  fastened into one of its mystic
cells  night around me  a pale and bloody spectacle under my eyes and
hands  a murderess hardly separated from me by a single door  yes  that
was appalling  the rest I could bear  but I shuddered at the thought of
Grace Poole bursting out upon me 

I must keep to my post  however   I must watch this ghastly
countenance  these blue  still lips forbidden to unclose  these eyes now
shut  now opening  now wandering through the room  now fixing on me  and
ever glazed with the dulness of horror   I must dip my hand again and
again in the basin of blood and water  and wipe away the trickling gore 
I must see the light of the unsnuffed candle wane on my employment  the
shadows darken on the wrought  antique tapestry round me  and grow black
under the hangings of the vast old bed  and quiver strangely over the
doors of a great cabinet opposite  whose front  divided into twelve
panels  bore  in grim design  the heads of the twelve apostles  each
enclosed in its separate panel as in a frame  while above them at the top
rose an ebon crucifix and a dying Christ 

According as the shifting obscurity and flickering gleam hovered here or
glanced there  it was now the bearded physician  Luke  that bent his
brow  now St  John s long hair that waved  and anon the devilish face of
Judas  that grew out of the panel  and seemed gathering life and
threatening a revelation of the arch traitor  of Satan himself  in his
subordinate s form 

Amidst all this  I had to listen as well as watch  to listen for the
movements of the wild beast or the fiend in yonder side den   But since
Mr  Rochester s visit it seemed spellbound  all the night I heard but
three sounds at three long intervals   a step creak  a momentary renewal
of the snarling  canine noise  and a deep human groan 

Then my own thoughts worried me   What crime was this that lived
incarnate in this sequestered mansion  and could neither be expelled nor
subdued by the owner   what mystery  that broke out now in fire and now
in blood  at the deadest hours of night   What creature was it  that 
masked in an ordinary woman s face and shape  uttered the voice  now of a
mocking demon  and anon of a carrion seeking bird of prey 

And this man I bent over  this commonplace  quiet stranger  how had he
become involved in the web of horror  and why had the Fury flown at him 
What made him seek this quarter of the house at an untimely season  when
he should have been asleep in bed   I had heard Mr  Rochester assign him
an apartment below  what brought him here   And why  now  was he so tame
under the violence or treachery done him   Why did he so quietly submit
to the concealment Mr  Rochester enforced   Why  did  Mr  Rochester
enforce this concealment   His guest had been outraged  his own life on a
former occasion had been hideously plotted against  and both attempts he
smothered in secrecy and sank in oblivion   Lastly  I saw Mr  Mason was
submissive to Mr  Rochester  that the impetuous will of the latter held
complete sway over the inertness of the former  the few words which had
passed between them assured me of this   It was evident that in their
former intercourse  the passive disposition of the one had been
habitually influenced by the active energy of the other  whence then had
arisen Mr  Rochester s dismay when he heard of Mr  Mason s arrival   Why
had the mere name of this unresisting individual  whom his word now
sufficed to control like a child  fallen on him  a few hours since  as a
thunderbolt might fall on an oak 

Oh   I could not forget his look and his paleness when he whispered 
 Jane  I have got a blow  I have got a blow  Jane    I could not forget
how the arm had trembled which he rested on my shoulder  and it was no
light matter which could thus bow the resolute spirit and thrill the
vigorous frame of Fairfax Rochester 

 When will he come   When will he come   I cried inwardly  as the night
lingered and lingered  as my bleeding patient drooped  moaned  sickened 
and neither day nor aid arrived   I had  again and again  held the water
to Mason s white lips  again and again offered him the stimulating salts 
my efforts seemed ineffectual  either bodily or mental suffering  or loss
of blood  or all three combined  were fast prostrating his strength   He
moaned so  and looked so weak  wild  and lost  I feared he was dying  and
I might not even speak to him 

The candle  wasted at last  went out  as it expired  I perceived streaks
of grey light edging the window curtains  dawn was then approaching 
Presently I heard Pilot bark far below  out of his distant kennel in the
courtyard  hope revived   Nor was it unwarranted  in five minutes more
the grating key  the yielding lock  warned me my watch was relieved   It
could not have lasted more than two hours  many a week has seemed
shorter 

Mr  Rochester entered  and with him the surgeon he had been to fetch 

 Now  Carter  be on the alert   he said to this last   I give you but
half an hour for dressing the wound  fastening the bandages  getting the
patient downstairs and all  

 But is he fit to move  sir  

 No doubt of it  it is nothing serious  he is nervous  his spirits must
be kept up   Come  set to work  

Mr  Rochester drew back the thick curtain  drew up the holland blind  let
in all the daylight he could  and I was surprised and cheered to see how
far dawn was advanced  what rosy streaks were beginning to brighten the
east   Then he approached Mason  whom the surgeon was already handling 

 Now  my good fellow  how are you   he asked 

 She s done for me  I fear   was the faint reply 

 Not a whit   courage   This day fortnight you ll hardly be a pin the
worse of it  you ve lost a little blood  that s all   Carter  assure him
there s no danger  

 I can do that conscientiously   said Carter  who had now undone the
bandages   only I wish I could have got here sooner  he would not have
bled so much  but how is this   The flesh on the shoulder is torn as well
as cut   This wound was not done with a knife  there have been teeth
here  

 She bit me   he murmured    She worried me like a tigress  when
Rochester got the knife from her  

 You should not have yielded  you should have grappled with her at once  
said Mr  Rochester 

 But under such circumstances  what could one do   returned Mason    Oh 
it was frightful   he added  shuddering    And I did not expect it  she
looked so quiet at first  

 I warned you   was his friend s answer   I said  be on your guard when
you go near her   Besides  you might have waited till to morrow  and had
me with you  it was mere folly to attempt the interview to night  and
alone  

 I thought I could have done some good  

 You thought  you thought   Yes  it makes me impatient to hear you  but 
however  you have suffered  and are likely to suffer enough for not
taking my advice  so I ll say no more   Carter  hurry   hurry   The sun
will soon rise  and I must have him off  

 Directly  sir  the shoulder is just bandaged   I must look to this other
wound in the arm  she has had her teeth here too  I think  

 She sucked the blood  she said she d drain my heart   said Mason 

I saw Mr  Rochester shudder  a singularly marked expression of disgust 
horror  hatred  warped his countenance almost to distortion  but he only
said  

 Come  be silent  Richard  and never mind her gibberish  don t repeat
it  

 I wish I could forget it   was the answer 

 You will when you are out of the country  when you get back to Spanish
Town  you may think of her as dead and buried  or rather  you need not
think of her at all  

 Impossible to forget this night  

 It is not impossible  have some energy  man   You thought you were as
dead as a herring two hours since  and you are all alive and talking now 
There   Carter has done with you or nearly so  I ll make you decent in a
trice   Jane   he turned to me for the first time since his re entrance  
 take this key  go down into my bedroom  and walk straight forward into
my dressing room  open the top drawer of the wardrobe and take out a
clean shirt and neck handkerchief  bring them here  and be nimble  

I went  sought the repository he had mentioned  found the articles named 
and returned with them 

 Now   said he   go to the other side of the bed while I order his
toilet  but don t leave the room  you may be wanted again  

I retired as directed 

 Was anybody stirring below when you went down  Jane   inquired Mr 
Rochester presently 

 No  sir  all was very still  

 We shall get you off cannily  Dick  and it will be better  both for your
sake  and for that of the poor creature in yonder   I have striven long
to avoid exposure  and I should not like it to come at last   Here 
Carter  help him on with his waist coat   Where did you leave your furred
cloak   You can t travel a mile without that  I know  in this damned cold
climate   In your room   Jane  run down to Mr  Mason s room   the one
next mine   and fetch a cloak you will see there  

Again I ran  and again returned  bearing an immense mantle lined and
edged with fur 

 Now  I ve another errand for you   said my untiring master   you must
away to my room again   What a mercy you are shod with velvet  Jane   a
clod hopping messenger would never do at this juncture   You must open
the middle drawer of my toilet table and take out a little phial and a
little glass you will find there   quick  

I flew thither and back  bringing the desired vessels 

 That s well   Now  doctor  I shall take the liberty of administering a
dose myself  on my own responsibility   I got this cordial at Rome  of an
Italian charlatan  a fellow you would have kicked  Carter   It is not a
thing to be used indiscriminately  but it is good upon occasion  as now 
for instance   Jane  a little water  

He held out the tiny glass  and I half filled it from the water bottle on
the washstand 

 That will do   now wet the lip of the phial  

I did so  he measured twelve drops of a crimson liquid  and presented it
to Mason 

 Drink  Richard  it will give you the heart you lack  for an hour or so  

 But will it hurt me   is it inflammatory  

 Drink  drink  drink  

Mr  Mason obeyed  because it was evidently useless to resist   He was
dressed now  he still looked pale  but he was no longer gory and sullied 
Mr  Rochester let him sit three minutes after he had swallowed the
liquid  he then took his arm  

 Now I am sure you can get on your feet   he said   try  

The patient rose 

 Carter  take him under the other shoulder   Be of good cheer  Richard 
step out  that s it  

 I do feel better   remarked Mr  Mason 

 I am sure you do   Now  Jane  trip on before us away to the backstairs 
unbolt the side passage door  and tell the driver of the post chaise you
will see in the yard  or just outside  for I told him not to drive his
rattling wheels over the pavement  to be ready  we are coming  and  Jane 
if any one is about  come to the foot of the stairs and hem  

It was by this time half past five  and the sun was on the point of
rising  but I found the kitchen still dark and silent   The side passage
door was fastened  I opened it with as little noise as possible  all the
yard was quiet  but the gates stood wide open  and there was a
post chaise  with horses ready harnessed  and driver seated on the box 
stationed outside   I approached him  and said the gentlemen were coming 
he nodded  then I looked carefully round and listened   The stillness of
early morning slumbered everywhere  the curtains were yet drawn over the
servants  chamber windows  little birds were just twittering in the
blossom blanched orchard trees  whose boughs drooped like white garlands
over the wall enclosing one side of the yard  the carriage horses stamped
from time to time in their closed stables  all else was still 

The gentlemen now appeared   Mason  supported by Mr  Rochester and the
surgeon  seemed to walk with tolerable ease  they assisted him into the
chaise  Carter followed 

 Take care of him   said Mr  Rochester to the latter   and keep him at
your house till he is quite well  I shall ride over in a day or two to
see how he gets on   Richard  how is it with you  

 The fresh air revives me  Fairfax  

 Leave the window open on his side  Carter  there is no wind  good bye 
Dick  

 Fairfax   

 Well what is it  

 Let her be taken care of  let her be treated as tenderly as may be  let
her    he stopped and burst into tears 

 I do my best  and have done it  and will do it   was the answer  he shut
up the chaise door  and the vehicle drove away 

 Yet would to God there was an end of all this   added Mr  Rochester  as
he closed and barred the heavy yard gates 

This done  he moved with slow step and abstracted air towards a door in
the wall bordering the orchard   I  supposing he had done with me 
prepared to return to the house  again  however  I heard him call  Jane  
He had opened feel portal and stood at it  waiting for me 

 Come where there is some freshness  for a few moments   he said   that
house is a mere dungeon  don t you feel it so  

 It seems to me a splendid mansion  sir  

 The glamour of inexperience is over your eyes   he answered   and you
see it through a charmed medium  you cannot discern that the gilding is
slime and the silk draperies cobwebs  that the marble is sordid slate 
and the polished woods mere refuse chips and scaly bark   Now  here    he
pointed to the leafy enclosure we had entered   all is real  sweet  and
pure  

He strayed down a walk edged with box  with apple trees  pear trees  and
cherry trees on one side  and a border on the other full of all sorts of
old fashioned flowers  stocks  sweet williams  primroses  pansies 
mingled with southernwood  sweet briar  and various fragrant herbs   They
were fresh now as a succession of April showers and gleams  followed by a
lovely spring morning  could make them  the sun was just entering the
dappled east  and his light illumined the wreathed and dewy orchard trees
and shone down the quiet walks under them 

 Jane  will you have a flower  

He gathered a half blown rose  the first on the bush  and offered it to
me 

 Thank you  sir  

 Do you like this sunrise  Jane   That sky with its high and light clouds
which are sure to melt away as the day waxes warm  this placid and balmly
atmosphere  

 I do  very much  

 You have passed a strange night  Jane  

 Yes  sir  

 And it has made you look pale  were you afraid when I left you alone
with Mason  

 I was afraid of some one coming out of the inner room  

 But I had fastened the door  I had the key in my pocket  I should have
been a careless shepherd if I had left a lamb  my pet lamb  so near a
wolf s den  unguarded  you were safe  

 Will Grace Poole live here still  sir  

 Oh yes  don t trouble your head about her  put the thing out of your
thoughts  

 Yet it seems to me your life is hardly secure while she stays  

 Never fear  I will take care of myself  

 Is the danger you apprehended last night gone by now  sir  

 I cannot vouch for that till Mason is out of England  nor even then   To
live  for me  Jane  is to stand on a crater crust which may crack and
spue fire any day  

 But Mr  Mason seems a man easily led   Your influence  sir  is evidently
potent with him  he will never set you at defiance or wilfully injure
you  

 Oh  no   Mason will not defy me  nor  knowing it  will he hurt me  but 
unintentionally  he might in a moment  by one careless word  deprive me 
if not of life  yet for ever of happiness  

 Tell him to be cautious  sir  let him know what you fear  and show him
how to avert the danger  

He laughed sardonically  hastily took my hand  and as hastily threw it
from him 

 If I could do that  simpleton  where would the danger be   Annihilated
in a moment   Ever since I have known Mason  I have only had to say to
him  Do that   and the thing has been done   But I cannot give him orders
in this case  I cannot say  Beware of harming me  Richard   for it is
imperative that I should keep him ignorant that harm to me is possible 
Now you look puzzled  and I will puzzle you further   You are my little
friend  are you not  

 I like to serve you  sir  and to obey you in all that is right  

 Precisely  I see you do   I see genuine contentment in your gait and
mien  your eye and face  when you are helping me and pleasing me  working
for me  and with me  in  as you characteristically say    all that is
right    for if I bid you do what you thought wrong  there would be no
light footed running  no neat handed alacrity  no lively glance and
animated complexion   My friend would then turn to me  quiet and pale 
and would say   No  sir  that is impossible  I cannot do it  because it
is wrong   and would become immutable as a fixed star   Well  you too
have power over me  and may injure me  yet I dare not show you where I am
vulnerable  lest  faithful and friendly as you are  you should transfix
me at once  

 If you have no more to fear from Mr  Mason than you have from me  sir 
you are very safe  

 God grant it may be so   Here  Jane  is an arbour  sit down  

The arbour was an arch in the wall  lined with ivy  it contained a rustic
seat   Mr  Rochester took it  leaving room  however  for me  but I stood
before him 

 Sit   he said   the bench is long enough for two   You don t hesitate to
take a place at my side  do you   Is that wrong  Jane  

I answered him by assuming it  to refuse would  I felt  have been unwise 

 Now  my little friend  while the sun drinks the dew  while all the
flowers in this old garden awake and expand  and the birds fetch their
young ones  breakfast out of the Thornfield  and the early bees do their
first spell of work  I ll put a case to you  which you must endeavour to
suppose your own  but first  look at me  and tell me you are at ease  and
not fearing that I err in detaining you  or that you err in staying  

 No  sir  I am content  

 Well then  Jane  call to aid your fancy   suppose you were no longer a
girl well reared and disciplined  but a wild boy indulged from childhood
upwards  imagine yourself in a remote foreign land  conceive that you
there commit a capital error  no matter of what nature or from what
motives  but one whose consequences must follow you through life and
taint all your existence   Mind  I don t say a  crime   I am not speaking
of shedding of blood or any other guilty act  which might make the
perpetrator amenable to the law  my word is  error    The results of what
you have done become in time to you utterly insupportable  you take
measures to obtain relief  unusual measures  but neither unlawful nor
culpable   Still you are miserable  for hope has quitted you on the very
confines of life  your sun at noon darkens in an eclipse  which you feel
will not leave it till the time of setting   Bitter and base associations
have become the sole food of your memory  you wander here and there 
seeking rest in exile  happiness in pleasure  I mean in heartless 
sensual pleasure  such as dulls intellect and blights feeling 
Heart weary and soul withered  you come home after years of voluntary
banishment  you make a new acquaintance  how or where no matter  you find
in this stranger much of the good and bright qualities which you have
sought for twenty years  and never before encountered  and they are all
fresh  healthy  without soil and without taint   Such society revives 
regenerates  you feel better days come back  higher wishes  purer
feelings  you desire to recommence your life  and to spend what remains
to you of days in a way more worthy of an immortal being   To attain this
end  are you justified in overleaping an obstacle of custom  a mere
conventional impediment which neither your conscience sanctifies nor your
judgment approves  

He paused for an answer  and what was I to say   Oh  for some good spirit
to suggest a judicious and satisfactory response   Vain aspiration   The
west wind whispered in the ivy round me  but no gentle Ariel borrowed its
breath as a medium of speech  the birds sang in the tree tops  but their
song  however sweet  was inarticulate 

Again Mr  Rochester propounded his query 

 Is the wandering and sinful  but now rest seeking and repentant  man
justified in daring the world s opinion  in order to attach to him for
ever this gentle  gracious  genial stranger  thereby securing his own
peace of mind and regeneration of life  

 Sir   I answered   a wanderer s repose or a sinner s reformation should
never depend on a fellow creature   Men and women die  philosophers
falter in wisdom  and Christians in goodness  if any one you know has
suffered and erred  let him look higher than his equals for strength to
amend and solace to heal  

 But the instrument  the instrument   God  who does the work  ordains the
instrument   I have myself  I tell it you without parable  been a
worldly  dissipated  restless man  and I believe I have found the
instrument for my cure in   

He paused  the birds went on carolling  the leaves lightly rustling   I
almost wondered they did not check their songs and whispers to catch the
suspended revelation  but they would have had to wait many minutes  so
long was the silence protracted   At last I looked up at the tardy
speaker  he was looking eagerly at me 

 Little friend   said he  in quite a changed tone  while his face changed
too  losing all its softness and gravity  and becoming harsh and
sarcastic   you have noticed my tender penchant for Miss Ingram  don t
you think if I married her she would regenerate me with a vengeance  

He got up instantly  went quite to the other end of the walk  and when he
came back he was humming a tune 

 Jane  Jane   said he  stopping before me   you are quite pale with your
vigils  don t you curse me for disturbing your rest  

 Curse you   No  sir  

 Shake hands in confirmation of the word   What cold fingers   They were
warmer last night when I touched them at the door of the mysterious
chamber   Jane  when will you watch with me again  

 Whenever I can be useful  sir  

 For instance  the night before I am married   I am sure I shall not be
able to sleep   Will you promise to sit up with me to bear me company   To
you I can talk of my lovely one  for now you have seen her and know her  

 Yes  sir  

 She s a rare one  is she not  Jane  

 Yes  sir  

 A strapper  a real strapper  Jane  big  brown  and buxom  with hair just
such as the ladies of Carthage must have had   Bless me  there s Dent and
Lynn in the stables   Go in by the shrubbery  through that wicket  

As I went one way  he went another  and I heard him in the yard  saying
cheerfully  

 Mason got the start of you all this morning  he was gone before sunrise 
I rose at four to see him off  




CHAPTER XXI


Presentiments are strange things  and so are sympathies  and so are
signs  and the three combined make one mystery to which humanity has not
yet found the key   I never laughed at presentiments in my life  because
I have had strange ones of my own   Sympathies  I believe  exist  for
instance  between far distant  long absent  wholly estranged relatives
asserting  notwithstanding their alienation  the unity of the source to
which each traces his origin  whose workings baffle mortal comprehension 
And signs  for aught we know  may be but the sympathies of Nature with
man 

When I was a little girl  only six years old  I one night heard Bessie
Leaven say to Martha Abbot that she had been dreaming about a little
child  and that to dream of children was a sure sign of trouble  either
to one s self or one s kin   The saying might have worn out of my memory 
had not a circumstance immediately followed which served indelibly to fix
it there   The next day Bessie was sent for home to the deathbed of her
little sister 

Of late I had often recalled this saying and this incident  for during
the past week scarcely a night had gone over my couch that had not
brought with it a dream of an infant  which I sometimes hushed in my
arms  sometimes dandled on my knee  sometimes watched playing with
daisies on a lawn  or again  dabbling its hands in running water   It was
a wailing child this night  and a laughing one the next  now it nestled
close to me  and now it ran from me  but whatever mood the apparition
evinced  whatever aspect it wore  it failed not for seven successive
nights to meet me the moment I entered the land of slumber 

I did not like this iteration of one idea  this strange recurrence of one
image  and I grew nervous as bedtime approached and the hour of the
vision drew near   It was from companionship with this baby phantom I had
been roused on that moonlight night when I heard the cry  and it was on
the afternoon of the day following I was summoned downstairs by a message
that some one wanted me in Mrs  Fairfax s room   On repairing thither  I
found a man waiting for me  having the appearance of a gentleman s
servant  he was dressed in deep mourning  and the hat he held in his hand
was surrounded with a crape band 

 I daresay you hardly remember me  Miss   he said  rising as I entered 
 but my name is Leaven  I lived coachman with Mrs  Reed when you were at
Gateshead  eight or nine years since  and I live there still  

 Oh  Robert  how do you do   I remember you very well  you used to give
me a ride sometimes on Miss Georgiana s bay pony   And how is Bessie   You
are married to Bessie  

 Yes  Miss  my wife is very hearty  thank you  she brought me another
little one about two months since  we have three now  and both mother and
child are thriving  

 And are the family well at the house  Robert  

 I am sorry I can t give you better news of them  Miss  they are very
badly at present  in great trouble  

 I hope no one is dead   I said  glancing at his black dress   He too
looked down at the crape round his hat and replied  

 Mr  John died yesterday was a week  at his chambers in London  

 Mr  John  

 Yes  

 And how does his mother bear it  

 Why  you see  Miss Eyre  it is not a common mishap  his life has been
very wild  these last three years he gave himself up to strange ways  and
his death was shocking  

 I heard from Bessie he was not doing well  

 Doing well   He could not do worse  he ruined his health and his estate
amongst the worst men and the worst women   He got into debt and into
jail  his mother helped him out twice  but as soon as he was free he
returned to his old companions and habits   His head was not strong  the
knaves he lived amongst fooled him beyond anything I ever heard   He came
down to Gateshead about three weeks ago and wanted missis to give up all
to him   Missis refused  her means have long been much reduced by his
extravagance  so he went back again  and the next news was that he was
dead   How he died  God knows   they say he killed himself  

I was silent  the things were frightful   Robert Leaven resumed  

 Missis had been out of health herself for some time  she had got very
stout  but was not strong with it  and the loss of money and fear of
poverty were quite breaking her down   The information about Mr  John s
death and the manner of it came too suddenly  it brought on a stroke   She
was three days without speaking  but last Tuesday she seemed rather
better  she appeared as if she wanted to say something  and kept making
signs to my wife and mumbling   It was only yesterday morning  however 
that Bessie understood she was pronouncing your name  and at last she
made out the words   Bring Jane  fetch Jane Eyre  I want to speak to
her    Bessie is not sure whether she is in her right mind  or means
anything by the words  but she told Miss Reed and Miss Georgiana  and
advised them to send for you   The young ladies put it off at first  but
their mother grew so restless  and said   Jane  Jane   so many times 
that at last they consented   I left Gateshead yesterday  and if you can
get ready  Miss  I should like to take you back with me early to morrow
morning  

 Yes  Robert  I shall be ready  it seems to me that I ought to go  

 I think so too  Miss   Bessie said she was sure you would not refuse 
but I suppose you will have to ask leave before you can get off  

 Yes  and I will do it now   and having directed him to the servants 
hall  and recommended him to the care of John s wife  and the attentions
of John himself  I went in search of Mr  Rochester 

He was not in any of the lower rooms  he was not in the yard  the
stables  or the grounds   I asked Mrs  Fairfax if she had seen him   yes 
she believed he was playing billiards with Miss Ingram   To the billiard 
room I hastened  the click of balls and the hum of voices resounded
thence  Mr  Rochester  Miss Ingram  the two Misses Eshton  and their
admirers  were all busied in the game   It required some courage to
disturb so interesting a party  my errand  however  was one I could not
defer  so I approached the master where he stood at Miss Ingram s side 
She turned as I drew near  and looked at me haughtily  her eyes seemed to
demand   What can the creeping creature want now   and when I said  in a
low voice   Mr  Rochester   she made a movement as if tempted to order me
away   I remember her appearance at the moment  it was very graceful and
very striking  she wore a morning robe of sky blue crape  a gauzy azure
scarf was twisted in her hair   She had been all animation with the game 
and irritated pride did not lower the expression of her haughty
lineaments 

 Does that person want you   she inquired of Mr  Rochester  and Mr 
Rochester turned to see who the  person  was   He made a curious
grimace  one of his strange and equivocal demonstrations  threw down his
cue and followed me from the room 

 Well  Jane   he said  as he rested his back against the schoolroom door 
which he had shut 

 If you please  sir  I want leave of absence for a week or two  

 What to do   where to go  

 To see a sick lady who has sent for me  

 What sick lady   where does she live  

 At Gateshead  in    shire  

  shire   That is a hundred miles off   Who may she be that sends for
people to see her that distance  

 Her name is Reed  sir  Mrs  Reed  

 Reed of Gateshead   There was a Reed of Gateshead  a magistrate  

 It is his widow  sir  

 And what have you to do with her   How do you know her  

 Mr  Reed was my uncle  my mother s brother  

 The deuce he was   You never told me that before  you always said you
had no relations  

 None that would own me  sir   Mr  Reed is dead  and his wife cast me
off  

 Why  

 Because I was poor  and burdensome  and she disliked me  

 But Reed left children   you must have cousins   Sir George Lynn was
talking of a Reed of Gateshead yesterday  who  he said  was one of the
veriest rascals on town  and Ingram was mentioning a Georgiana Reed of
the same place  who was much admired for her beauty a season or two ago
in London  

 John Reed is dead  too  sir  he ruined himself and half ruined his
family  and is supposed to have committed suicide   The news so shocked
his mother that it brought on an apoplectic attack  

 And what good can you do her   Nonsense  Jane   I would never think of
running a hundred miles to see an old lady who will  perhaps  be dead
before you reach her  besides  you say she cast you off  

 Yes  sir  but that is long ago  and when her circumstances were very
different  I could not be easy to neglect her wishes now  

 How long will you stay  

 As short a time as possible  sir  

 Promise me only to stay a week   

 I had better not pass my word  I might be obliged to break it  

 At all events you  will  come back  you will not be induced under any
pretext to take up a permanent residence with her  

 Oh  no   I shall certainly return if all be well  

 And who goes with you   You don t travel a hundred miles alone  

 No  sir  she has sent her coachman  

 A person to be trusted  

 Yes  sir  he has lived ten years in the family  

Mr  Rochester meditated    When do you wish to go  

 Early to morrow morning  sir  

 Well  you must have some money  you can t travel without money  and I
daresay you have not much  I have given you no salary yet   How much have
you in the world  Jane   he asked  smiling 

I drew out my purse  a meagre thing it was    Five shillings  sir    He
took the purse  poured the hoard into his palm  and chuckled over it as
if its scantiness amused him   Soon he produced his pocket book   Here  
said he  offering me a note  it was fifty pounds  and he owed me but
fifteen   I told him I had no change 

 I don t want change  you know that   Take your wages  

I declined accepting more than was my due   He scowled at first  then  as
if recollecting something  he said  

 Right  right   Better not give you all now  you would  perhaps  stay
away three months if you had fifty pounds   There are ten  is it not
plenty  

 Yes  sir  but now you owe me five  

 Come back for it  then  I am your banker for forty pounds  

 Mr  Rochester  I may as well mention another matter of business to you
while I have the opportunity  

 Matter of business   I am curious to hear it  

 You have as good as informed me  sir  that you are going shortly to be
married  

 Yes  what then  

 In that case  sir  Adele ought to go to school  I am sure you will
perceive the necessity of it  

 To get her out of my bride s way  who might otherwise walk over her
rather too emphatically   There s sense in the suggestion  not a doubt of
it   Adele  as you say  must go to school  and you  of course  must march
straight to  the devil  

 I hope not  sir  but I must seek another situation somewhere  

 In course   he exclaimed  with a twang of voice and a distortion of
features equally fantastic and ludicrous   He looked at me some minutes 

 And old Madam Reed  or the Misses  her daughters  will be solicited by
you to seek a place  I suppose  

 No  sir  I am not on such terms with my relatives as would justify me in
asking favours of them  but I shall advertise  

 You shall walk up the pyramids of Egypt   he growled    At your peril
you advertise   I wish I had only offered you a sovereign instead of ten
pounds   Give me back nine pounds  Jane  I ve a use for it  

 And so have I  sir   I returned  putting my hands and my purse behind
me    I could not spare the money on any account  

 Little niggard   said he   refusing me a pecuniary request   Give me
five pounds  Jane  

 Not five shillings  sir  nor five pence  

 Just let me look at the cash  

 No  sir  you are not to be trusted  

 Jane  

 Sir  

 Promise me one thing  

 I ll promise you anything  sir  that I think I am likely to perform  

 Not to advertise  and to trust this quest of a situation to me   I ll
find you one in time  

 I shall be glad so to do  sir  if you  in your turn  will promise that I
and Adele shall be both safe out of the house before your bride enters
it  

 Very well  very well   I ll pledge my word on it   You go to morrow 
then  

 Yes  sir  early  

 Shall you come down to the drawing room after dinner  

 No  sir  I must prepare for the journey  

 Then you and I must bid good bye for a little while  

 I suppose so  sir  

 And how do people perform that ceremony of parting  Jane   Teach me  I m
not quite up to it  

 They say  Farewell  or any other form they prefer  

 Then say it  

 Farewell  Mr  Rochester  for the present  

 What must I say  

 The same  if you like  sir  

 Farewell  Miss Eyre  for the present  is that all  

 Yes  

 It seems stingy  to my notions  and dry  and unfriendly   I should like
something else  a little addition to the rite   If one shook hands  for
instance  but no  that would not content me either   So you ll do no more
than say Farewell  Jane  

 It is enough  sir  as much good will may be conveyed in one hearty word
as in many  

 Very likely  but it is blank and cool   Farewell   

 How long is he going to stand with his back against that door   I asked
myself   I want to commence my packing    The dinner bell rang  and
suddenly away he bolted  without another syllable  I saw him no more
during the day  and was off before he had risen in the morning 

I reached the lodge at Gateshead about five o clock in the afternoon of
the first of May  I stepped in there before going up to the hall   It was
very clean and neat  the ornamental windows were hung with little white
curtains  the floor was spotless  the grate and fire irons were burnished
bright  and the fire burnt clear   Bessie sat on the hearth  nursing her
last born  and Robert and his sister played quietly in a corner 

 Bless you   I knew you would come   exclaimed Mrs  Leaven  as I entered 

 Yes  Bessie   said I  after I had kissed her   and I trust I am not too
late   How is Mrs  Reed   Alive still  I hope  

 Yes  she is alive  and more sensible and collected than she was   The
doctor says she may linger a week or two yet  but he hardly thinks she
will finally recover  

 Has she mentioned me lately  

 She was talking of you only this morning  and wishing you would come 
but she is sleeping now  or was ten minutes ago  when I was up at the
house   She generally lies in a kind of lethargy all the afternoon  and
wakes up about six or seven   Will you rest yourself here an hour  Miss 
and then I will go up with you  

Robert here entered  and Bessie laid her sleeping child in the cradle and
went to welcome him  afterwards she insisted on my taking off my bonnet
and having some tea  for she said I looked pale and tired   I was glad to
accept her hospitality  and I submitted to be relieved of my travelling
garb just as passively as I used to let her undress me when a child 

Old times crowded fast back on me as I watched her bustling about  setting
out the tea tray with her best china  cutting bread and butter  toasting
a tea cake  and  between whiles  giving little Robert or Jane an
occasional tap or push  just as she used to give me in former days 
Bessie had retained her quick temper as well as her light foot and good
looks 

Tea ready  I was going to approach the table  but she desired me to sit
still  quite in her old peremptory tones   I must be served at the
fireside  she said  and she placed before me a little round stand with my
cup and a plate of toast  absolutely as she used to accommodate me with
some privately purloined dainty on a nursery chair  and I smiled and
obeyed her as in bygone days 

She wanted to know if I was happy at Thornfield Hall  and what sort of a
person the mistress was  and when I told her there was only a master 
whether he was a nice gentleman  and if I liked him   I told her he was
rather an ugly man  but quite a gentleman  and that he treated me kindly 
and I was content   Then I went on to describe to her the gay company
that had lately been staying at the house  and to these details Bessie
listened with interest  they were precisely of the kind she relished 

In such conversation an hour was soon gone  Bessie restored to me my
bonnet   c   and  accompanied by her  I quitted the lodge for the hall 
It was also accompanied by her that I had  nearly nine years ago  walked
down the path I was now ascending   On a dark  misty  raw morning in
January  I had left a hostile roof with a desperate and embittered
heart  a sense of outlawry and almost of reprobation  to seek the chilly
harbourage of Lowood  that bourne so far away and unexplored   The same
hostile roof now again rose before me  my prospects were doubtful yet 
and I had yet an aching heart   I still felt as a wanderer on the face of
the earth  but I experienced firmer trust in myself and my own powers 
and less withering dread of oppression   The gaping wound of my wrongs 
too  was now quite healed  and the flame of resentment extinguished 

 You shall go into the breakfast room first   said Bessie  as she
preceded me through the hall   the young ladies will be there  

In another moment I was within that apartment   There was every article
of furniture looking just as it did on the morning I was first introduced
to Mr  Brocklehurst  the very rug he had stood upon still covered the
hearth   Glancing at the bookcases  I thought I could distinguish the two
volumes of Bewick s British Birds occupying their old place on the third
shelf  and Gulliver s Travels and the Arabian Nights ranged just above 
The inanimate objects were not changed  but the living things had altered
past recognition 

Two young ladies appeared before me  one very tall  almost as tall as
Miss Ingram  very thin too  with a sallow face and severe mien   There
was something ascetic in her look  which was augmented by the extreme
plainness of a straight skirted  black  stuff dress  a starched linen
collar  hair combed away from the temples  and the nun like ornament of a
string of ebony beads and a crucifix   This I felt sure was Eliza  though
I could trace little resemblance to her former self in that elongated and
colourless visage 

The other was as certainly Georgiana  but not the Georgiana I
remembered  the slim and fairy like girl of eleven   This was a
full blown  very plump damsel  fair as waxwork  with handsome and regular
features  languishing blue eyes  and ringleted yellow hair   The hue of
her dress was black too  but its fashion was so different from her
sister s  so much more flowing and becoming  it looked as stylish as the
other s looked puritanical 

In each of the sisters there was one trait of the mother  and only one 
the thin and pallid elder daughter had her parent s Cairngorm eye  the
blooming and luxuriant younger girl had her contour of jaw and
chin  perhaps a little softened  but still imparting an indescribable
hardness to the countenance otherwise so voluptuous and buxom 

Both ladies  as I advanced  rose to welcome me  and both addressed me by
the name of  Miss Eyre    Eliza s greeting was delivered in a short 
abrupt voice  without a smile  and then she sat down again  fixed her
eyes on the fire  and seemed to forget me   Georgiana added to her  How
d ye do   several commonplaces about my journey  the weather  and so on 
uttered in rather a drawling tone  and accompanied by sundry side glances
that measured me from head to foot  now traversing the folds of my drab
merino pelisse  and now lingering on the plain trimming of my cottage
bonnet   Young ladies have a remarkable way of letting you know that they
think you a  quiz  without actually saying the words   A certain
superciliousness of look  coolness of manner  nonchalance of tone 
express fully their sentiments on the point  without committing them by
any positive rudeness in word or deed 

A sneer  however  whether covert or open  had now no longer that power
over me it once possessed  as I sat between my cousins  I was surprised
to find how easy I felt under the total neglect of the one and the semi 
sarcastic attentions of the other  Eliza did not mortify  nor Georgiana
ruffle me   The fact was  I had other things to think about  within the
last few months feelings had been stirred in me so much more potent than
any they could raise  pains and pleasures so much more acute and
exquisite had been excited than any it was in their power to inflict or
bestow  that their airs gave me no concern either for good or bad 

 How is Mrs  Reed   I asked soon  looking calmly at Georgiana  who
thought fit to bridle at the direct address  as if it were an unexpected
liberty 

 Mrs  Reed   Ah  mama  you mean  she is extremely poorly  I doubt if you
can see her to night  

 If   said I   you would just step upstairs and tell her I am come  I
should be much obliged to you  

Georgiana almost started  and she opened her blue eyes wild and wide    I
know she had a particular wish to see me   I added   and I would not
defer attending to her desire longer than is absolutely necessary  

 Mama dislikes being disturbed in an evening   remarked Eliza   I soon
rose  quietly took off my bonnet and gloves  uninvited  and said I would
just step out to Bessie  who was  I dared say  in the kitchen  and ask
her to ascertain whether Mrs  Reed was disposed to receive me or not to 
night   I went  and having found Bessie and despatched her on my errand 
I proceeded to take further measures   It had heretofore been my habit
always to shrink from arrogance  received as I had been to day  I should 
a year ago  have resolved to quit Gateshead the very next morning  now 
it was disclosed to me all at once that that would be a foolish plan   I
had taken a journey of a hundred miles to see my aunt  and I must stay
with her till she was better  or dead  as to her daughters  pride or
folly  I must put it on one side  make myself independent of it   So I
addressed the housekeeper  asked her to show me a room  told her I should
probably be a visitor here for a week or two  had my trunk conveyed to my
chamber  and followed it thither myself  I met Bessie on the landing 

 Missis is awake   said she   I have told her you are here  come and let
us see if she will know you  

I did not need to be guided to the well known room  to which I had so
often been summoned for chastisement or reprimand in former days   I
hastened before Bessie  I softly opened the door  a shaded light stood on
the table  for it was now getting dark   There was the great four post
bed with amber hangings as of old  there the toilet table  the armchair 
and the footstool  at which I had a hundred times been sentenced to
kneel  to ask pardon for offences by me uncommitted   I looked into a
certain corner near  half expecting to see the slim outline of a once
dreaded switch which used to lurk there  waiting to leap out imp like and
lace my quivering palm or shrinking neck   I approached the bed  I opened
the curtains and leant over the high piled pillows 

Well did I remember Mrs  Reed s face  and I eagerly sought the familiar
image   It is a happy thing that time quells the longings of vengeance
and hushes the promptings of rage and aversion   I had left this woman in
bitterness and hate  and I came back to her now with no other emotion
than a sort of ruth for her great sufferings  and a strong yearning to
forget and forgive all injuries  to be reconciled and clasp hands in
amity 

The well known face was there  stern  relentless as ever  there was that
peculiar eye which nothing could melt  and the somewhat raised 
imperious  despotic eyebrow   How often had it lowered on me menace and
hate  and how the recollection of childhood s terrors and sorrows revived
as I traced its harsh line now   And yet I stooped down and kissed her 
she looked at me 

 Is this Jane Eyre   she said 

 Yes  Aunt Reed   How are you  dear aunt  

I had once vowed that I would never call her aunt again  I thought it no
sin to forget and break that vow now   My fingers had fastened on her
hand which lay outside the sheet  had she pressed mine kindly  I should
at that moment have experienced true pleasure   But unimpressionable
natures are not so soon softened  nor are natural antipathies so readily
eradicated   Mrs  Reed took her hand away  and  turning her face rather
from me  she remarked that the night was warm   Again she regarded me so
icily  I felt at once that her opinion of me  her feeling towards me  was
unchanged and unchangeable   I knew by her stony eye  opaque to
tenderness  indissoluble to tears  that she was resolved to consider me
bad to the last  because to believe me good would give her no generous
pleasure  only a sense of mortification 

I felt pain  and then I felt ire  and then I felt a determination to
subdue her  to be her mistress in spite both of her nature and her will 
My tears had risen  just as in childhood  I ordered them back to their
source   I brought a chair to the bed head  I sat down and leaned over
the pillow 

 You sent for me   I said   and I am here  and it is my intention to stay
till I see how you get on  

 Oh  of course   You have seen my daughters  

 Yes  

 Well  you may tell them I wish you to stay till I can talk some things
over with you I have on my mind  to night it is too late  and I have a
difficulty in recalling them   But there was something I wished to
say  let me see   

The wandering look and changed utterance told what wreck had taken place
in her once vigorous frame   Turning restlessly  she drew the bedclothes
round her  my elbow  resting on a corner of the quilt  fixed it down  she
was at once irritated 

 Sit up   said she   don t annoy me with holding the clothes fast   Are
you Jane Eyre  

 I am Jane Eyre  

 I have had more trouble with that child than any one would believe   Such
a burden to be left on my hands  and so much annoyance as she caused me 
daily and hourly  with her incomprehensible disposition  and her sudden
starts of temper  and her continual  unnatural watchings of one s
movements   I declare she talked to me once like something mad  or like a
fiend  no child ever spoke or looked as she did  I was glad to get her
away from the house   What did they do with her at Lowood   The fever
broke out there  and many of the pupils died   She  however  did not die 
but I said she did  I wish she had died  

 A strange wish  Mrs  Reed  why do you hate her so  

 I had a dislike to her mother always  for she was my husband s only
sister  and a great favourite with him  he opposed the family s disowning
her when she made her low marriage  and when news came of her death  he
wept like a simpleton   He would send for the baby  though I entreated
him rather to put it out to nurse and pay for its maintenance   I hated
it the first time I set my eyes on it  a sickly  whining  pining thing 
It would wail in its cradle all night long  not screaming heartily like
any other child  but whimpering and moaning   Reed pitied it  and he used
to nurse it and notice it as if it had been his own  more  indeed  than
he ever noticed his own at that age   He would try to make my children
friendly to the little beggar  the darlings could not bear it  and he was
angry with them when they showed their dislike   In his last illness  he
had it brought continually to his bedside  and but an hour before he
died  he bound me by vow to keep the creature   I would as soon have been
charged with a pauper brat out of a workhouse  but he was weak  naturally
weak   John does not at all resemble his father  and I am glad of it 
John is like me and like my brothers  he is quite a Gibson   Oh  I wish
he would cease tormenting me with letters for money   I have no more
money to give him  we are getting poor   I must send away half the
servants and shut up part of the house  or let it off   I can never
submit to do that  yet how are we to get on   Two thirds of my income
goes in paying the interest of mortgages   John gambles dreadfully  and
always loses  poor boy   He is beset by sharpers  John is sunk and
degraded  his look is frightful  I feel ashamed for him when I see him  

She was getting much excited    I think I had better leave her now   said
I to Bessie  who stood on the other side of the bed 

 Perhaps you had  Miss  but she often talks in this way towards night  in
the morning she is calmer  

I rose    Stop   exclaimed Mrs  Reed   there is another thing I wished to
say   He threatens me  he continually threatens me with his own death  or
mine  and I dream sometimes that I see him laid out with a great wound in
his throat  or with a swollen and blackened face   I am come to a strange
pass  I have heavy troubles   What is to be done   How is the money to be
had  

Bessie now endeavoured to persuade her to take a sedative draught  she
succeeded with difficulty   Soon after  Mrs  Reed grew more composed  and
sank into a dozing state   I then left her 

More than ten days elapsed before I had again any conversation with her 
She continued either delirious or lethargic  and the doctor forbade
everything which could painfully excite her   Meantime  I got on as well
as I could with Georgiana and Eliza   They were very cold  indeed  at
first   Eliza would sit half the day sewing  reading  or writing  and
scarcely utter a word either to me or her sister   Georgiana would
chatter nonsense to her canary bird by the hour  and take no notice of
me   But I was determined not to seem at a loss for occupation or
amusement  I had brought my drawing materials with me  and they served me
for both 

Provided with a case of pencils  and some sheets of paper  I used to take
a seat apart from them  near the window  and busy myself in sketching
fancy vignettes  representing any scene that happened momentarily to
shape itself in the ever shifting kaleidoscope of imagination  a glimpse
of sea between two rocks  the rising moon  and a ship crossing its disk 
a group of reeds and water flags  and a naiad s head  crowned with lotus 
flowers  rising out of them  an elf sitting in a hedge sparrow s nest 
under a wreath of hawthorn bloom 

One morning I fell to sketching a face  what sort of a face it was to be 
I did not care or know   I took a soft black pencil  gave it a broad
point  and worked away   Soon I had traced on the paper a broad and
prominent forehead and a square lower outline of visage  that contour
gave me pleasure  my fingers proceeded actively to fill it with features 
Strongly marked horizontal eyebrows must be traced under that brow  then
followed  naturally  a well defined nose  with a straight ridge and full
nostrils  then a flexible looking mouth  by no means narrow  then a firm
chin  with a decided cleft down the middle of it  of course  some black
whiskers were wanted  and some jetty hair  tufted on the temples  and
waved above the forehead   Now for the eyes  I had left them to the last 
because they required the most careful working   I drew them large  I
shaped them well  the eyelashes I traced long and sombre  the irids
lustrous and large    Good  but not quite the thing   I thought  as I
surveyed the effect   they want more force and spirit   and I wrought the
shades blacker  that the lights might flash more brilliantly  a happy
touch or two secured success   There  I had a friend s face under my
gaze  and what did it signify that those young ladies turned their backs
on me   I looked at it  I smiled at the speaking likeness  I was absorbed
and content 

 Is that a portrait of some one you know   asked Eliza  who had
approached me unnoticed   I responded that it was merely a fancy head 
and hurried it beneath the other sheets   Of course  I lied  it was  in
fact  a very faithful representation of Mr  Rochester   But what was that
to her  or to any one but myself   Georgiana also advanced to look   The
other drawings pleased her much  but she called that  an ugly man   They
both seemed surprised at my skill   I offered to sketch their portraits 
and each  in turn  sat for a pencil outline   Then Georgiana produced her
album   I promised to contribute a water colour drawing  this put her at
once into good humour   She proposed a walk in the grounds   Before we
had been out two hours  we were deep in a confidential conversation  she
had favoured me with a description of the brilliant winter she had spent
in London two seasons ago  of the admiration she had there excited  the
attention she had received  and I even got hints of the titled conquest
she had made   In the course of the afternoon and evening these hints
were enlarged on  various soft conversations were reported  and
sentimental scenes represented  and  in short  a volume of a novel of
fashionable life was that day improvised by her for my benefit   The
communications were renewed from day to day  they always ran on the same
theme  herself  her loves  and woes   It was strange she never once
adverted either to her mother s illness  or her brother s death  or the
present gloomy state of the family prospects   Her mind seemed wholly
taken up with reminiscences of past gaiety  and aspirations after
dissipations to come   She passed about five minutes each day in her
mother s sick room  and no more 

Eliza still spoke little  she had evidently no time to talk   I never saw
a busier person than she seemed to be  yet it was difficult to say what
she did  or rather  to discover any result of her diligence   She had an
alarm to call her up early   I know not how she occupied herself before
breakfast  but after that meal she divided her time into regular
portions  and each hour had its allotted task   Three times a day she
studied a little book  which I found  on inspection  was a Common Prayer
Book   I asked her once what was the great attraction of that volume  and
she said   the Rubric    Three hours she gave to stitching  with gold
thread  the border of a square crimson cloth  almost large enough for a
carpet   In answer to my inquiries after the use of this article  she
informed me it was a covering for the altar of a new church lately
erected near Gateshead   Two hours she devoted to her diary  two to
working by herself in the kitchen garden  and one to the regulation of
her accounts   She seemed to want no company  no conversation   I believe
she was happy in her way  this routine sufficed for her  and nothing
annoyed her so much as the occurrence of any incident which forced her to
vary its clockwork regularity 

She told me one evening  when more disposed to be communicative than
usual  that John s conduct  and the threatened ruin of the family  had
been a source of profound affliction to her  but she had now  she said 
settled her mind  and formed her resolution   Her own fortune she had
taken care to secure  and when her mother died  and it was wholly
improbable  she tranquilly remarked  that she should either recover or
linger long  she would execute a long cherished project  seek a
retirement where punctual habits would be permanently secured from
disturbance  and place safe barriers between herself and a frivolous
world   I asked if Georgiana would accompany her 

 Of course not   Georgiana and she had nothing in common  they never had
had   She would not be burdened with her society for any consideration 
Georgiana should take her own course  and she  Eliza  would take hers  

Georgiana  when not unburdening her heart to me  spent most of her time
in lying on the sofa  fretting about the dulness of the house  and
wishing over and over again that her aunt Gibson would send her an
invitation up to town    It would be so much better   she said   if she
could only get out of the way for a month or two  till all was over    I
did not ask what she meant by  all being over   but I suppose she
referred to the expected decease of her mother and the gloomy sequel of
funeral rites   Eliza generally took no more notice of her sister s
indolence and complaints than if no such murmuring  lounging object had
been before her   One day  however  as she put away her account book and
unfolded her embroidery  she suddenly took her up thus  

 Georgiana  a more vain and absurd animal than you was certainly never
allowed to cumber the earth   You had no right to be born  for you make
no use of life   Instead of living for  in  and with yourself  as a
reasonable being ought  you seek only to fasten your feebleness on some
other person s strength  if no one can be found willing to burden her or
himself with such a fat  weak  puffy  useless thing  you cry out that you
are ill treated  neglected  miserable   Then  too  existence for you must
be a scene of continual change and excitement  or else the world is a
dungeon  you must be admired  you must be courted  you must be
flattered  you must have music  dancing  and society  or you languish 
you die away   Have you no sense to devise a system which will make you
independent of all efforts  and all wills  but your own   Take one day 
share it into sections  to each section apportion its task  leave no
stray unemployed quarters of an hour  ten minutes  five minutes  include
all  do each piece of business in its turn with method  with rigid
regularity   The day will close almost before you are aware it has begun 
and you are indebted to no one for helping you to get rid of one vacant
moment  you have had to seek no one s company  conversation  sympathy 
forbearance  you have lived  in short  as an independent being ought to
do   Take this advice  the first and last I shall offer you  then you
will not want me or any one else  happen what may   Neglect it  go on as
heretofore  craving  whining  and idling  and suffer the results of your
idiocy  however bad and insuperable they may be   I tell you this
plainly  and listen  for though I shall no more repeat what I am now
about to say  I shall steadily act on it   After my mother s death  I
wash my hands of you  from the day her coffin is carried to the vault in
Gateshead Church  you and I will be as separate as if we had never known
each other   You need not think that because we chanced to be born of the
same parents  I shall suffer you to fasten me down by even the feeblest
claim  I can tell you this  if the whole human race  ourselves excepted 
were swept away  and we two stood alone on the earth  I would leave you
in the old world  and betake myself to the new  

She closed her lips 

 You might have spared yourself the trouble of delivering that tirade  
answered Georgiana    Everybody knows you are the most selfish  heartless
creature in existence  and  I  know your spiteful hatred towards me  I
have had a specimen of it before in the trick you played me about Lord
Edwin Vere  you could not bear me to be raised above you  to have a
title  to be received into circles where you dare not show your face  and
so you acted the spy and informer  and ruined my prospects for ever  
Georgiana took out her handkerchief and blew her nose for an hour
afterwards  Eliza sat cold  impassable  and assiduously industrious 

True  generous feeling is made small account of by some  but here were
two natures rendered  the one intolerably acrid  the other despicably
savourless for the want of it   Feeling without judgment is a washy
draught indeed  but judgment untempered by feeling is too bitter and
husky a morsel for human deglutition 

It was a wet and windy afternoon  Georgiana had fallen asleep on the sofa
over the perusal of a novel  Eliza was gone to attend a saint s day
service at the new church  for in matters of religion she was a rigid
formalist  no weather ever prevented the punctual discharge of what she
considered her devotional duties  fair or foul  she went to church thrice
every Sunday  and as often on week days as there were prayers 

I bethought myself to go upstairs and see how the dying woman sped  who
lay there almost unheeded  the very servants paid her but a remittent
attention  the hired nurse  being little looked after  would slip out of
the room whenever she could   Bessie was faithful  but she had her own
family to mind  and could only come occasionally to the hall   I found
the sick room unwatched  as I had expected  no nurse was there  the
patient lay still  and seemingly lethargic  her livid face sunk in the
pillows  the fire was dying in the grate   I renewed the fuel 
re arranged the bedclothes  gazed awhile on her who could not now gaze on
me  and then I moved away to the window 

The rain beat strongly against the panes  the wind blew tempestuously 
 One lies there   I thought   who will soon be beyond the war of earthly
elements   Whither will that spirit  now struggling to quit its material
tenement  flit when at length released  

In pondering the great mystery  I thought of Helen Burns  recalled her
dying words  her faith  her doctrine of the equality of disembodied
souls   I was still listening in thought to her well remembered
tones  still picturing her pale and spiritual aspect  her wasted face and
sublime gaze  as she lay on her placid deathbed  and whispered her
longing to be restored to her divine Father s bosom  when a feeble voice
murmured from the couch behind   Who is that  

I knew Mrs  Reed had not spoken for days  was she reviving   I went up to
her 

 It is I  Aunt Reed  

 Who  I   was her answer    Who are you   looking at me with surprise and
a sort of alarm  but still not wildly    You are quite a stranger to
me  where is Bessie  

 She is at the lodge  aunt  

 Aunt   she repeated    Who calls me aunt   You are not one of the
Gibsons  and yet I know you  that face  and the eyes and forehead  are
quiet familiar to me  you are like  why  you are like Jane Eyre  

I said nothing  I was afraid of occasioning some shock by declaring my
identity 

 Yet   said she   I am afraid it is a mistake  my thoughts deceive me   I
wished to see Jane Eyre  and I fancy a likeness where none exists 
besides  in eight years she must be so changed    I now gently assured
her that I was the person she supposed and desired me to be  and seeing
that I was understood  and that her senses were quite collected  I
explained how Bessie had sent her husband to fetch me from Thornfield 

 I am very ill  I know   she said ere long    I was trying to turn myself
a few minutes since  and find I cannot move a limb   It is as well I
should ease my mind before I die  what we think little of in health 
burdens us at such an hour as the present is to me   Is the nurse here 
or is there no one in the room but you  

I assured her we were alone 

 Well  I have twice done you a wrong which I regret now   One was in
breaking the promise which I gave my husband to bring you up as my own
child  the other    she stopped    After all  it is of no great
importance  perhaps   she murmured to herself   and then I may get
better  and to humble myself so to her is painful  

She made an effort to alter her position  but failed  her face changed 
she seemed to experience some inward sensation  the precursor  perhaps 
of the last pang 

 Well  I must get it over   Eternity is before me  I had better tell
her   Go to my dressing case  open it  and take out a letter you will see
there  

I obeyed her directions    Read the letter   she said 

It was short  and thus conceived   

    Madam   Will you have the goodness to send me the address of my
   niece  Jane Eyre  and to tell me how she is   It is my intention to
   write shortly and desire her to come to me at Madeira   Providence has
   blessed my endeavours to secure a competency  and as I am unmarried
   and childless  I wish to adopt her during my life  and bequeath her at
   my death whatever I may have to leave   I am  Madam   c    c  

    JOHN EYRE  Madeira  

It was dated three years back 

 Why did I never hear of this   I asked 

 Because I disliked you too fixedly and thoroughly ever to lend a hand in
lifting you to prosperity   I could not forget your conduct to me 
Jane  the fury with which you once turned on me  the tone in which you
declared you abhorred me the worst of anybody in the world  the
unchildlike look and voice with which you affirmed that the very thought
of me made you sick  and asserted that I had treated you with miserable
cruelty   I could not forget my own sensations when you thus started up
and poured out the venom of your mind  I felt fear as if an animal that I
had struck or pushed had looked up at me with human eyes and cursed me in
a man s voice   Bring me some water   Oh  make haste  

 Dear Mrs  Reed   said I  as I offered her the draught she required 
 think no more of all this  let it pass away from your mind   Forgive me
for my passionate language  I was a child then  eight  nine years have
passed since that day  

She heeded nothing of what I said  but when she had tasted the water and
drawn breath  she went on thus  

 I tell you I could not forget it  and I took my revenge  for you to be
adopted by your uncle  and placed in a state of ease and comfort  was
what I could not endure   I wrote to him  I said I was sorry for his
disappointment  but Jane Eyre was dead  she had died of typhus fever at
Lowood   Now act as you please  write and contradict my assertion  expose
my falsehood as soon as you like   You were born  I think  to be my
torment  my last hour is racked by the recollection of a deed which  but
for you  I should never have been tempted to commit  

 If you could but be persuaded to think no more of it  aunt  and to
regard me with kindness and forgiveness 

 You have a very bad disposition   said she   and one to this day I feel
it impossible to understand  how for nine years you could be patient and
quiescent under any treatment  and in the tenth break out all fire and
violence  I can never comprehend  

 My disposition is not so bad as you think  I am passionate  but not
vindictive   Many a time  as a little child  I should have been glad to
love you if you would have let me  and I long earnestly to be reconciled
to you now  kiss me  aunt  

I approached my cheek to her lips  she would not touch it   She said I
oppressed her by leaning over the bed  and again demanded water   As I
laid her down  for I raised her and supported her on my arm while she
drank  I covered her ice cold and clammy hand with mine  the feeble
fingers shrank from my touch  the glazing eyes shunned my gaze 

 Love me  then  or hate me  as you will   I said at last   you have my
full and free forgiveness  ask now for God s  and be at peace  

Poor  suffering woman  it was too late for her to make now the effort to
change her habitual frame of mind  living  she had ever hated me  dying 
she must hate me still 

The nurse now entered  and Bessie followed   I yet lingered half an hour
longer  hoping to see some sign of amity  but she gave none   She was
fast relapsing into stupor  nor did her mind again rally  at twelve
o clock that night she died   I was not present to close her eyes  nor
were either of her daughters   They came to tell us the next morning that
all was over   She was by that time laid out   Eliza and I went to look
at her  Georgiana  who had burst out into loud weeping  said she dared
not go   There was stretched Sarah Reed s once robust and active frame 
rigid and still  her eye of flint was covered with its cold lid  her brow
and strong traits wore yet the impress of her inexorable soul   A strange
and solemn object was that corpse to me   I gazed on it with gloom and
pain  nothing soft  nothing sweet  nothing pitying  or hopeful  or
subduing did it inspire  only a grating anguish for  her  woes  not  my 
loss  and a sombre tearless dismay at the fearfulness of death in such a
form 

Eliza surveyed her parent calmly   After a silence of some minutes she
observed  

 With her constitution she should have lived to a good old age  her life
was shortened by trouble    And then a spasm constricted her mouth for an
instant  as it passed away she turned and left the room  and so did I 
Neither of us had dropt a tear 




CHAPTER XXII


Mr  Rochester had given me but one week s leave of absence  yet a month
elapsed before I quitted Gateshead   I wished to leave immediately after
the funeral  but Georgiana entreated me to stay till she could get off to
London  whither she was now at last invited by her uncle  Mr  Gibson  who
had come down to direct his sister s interment and settle the family
affairs   Georgiana said she dreaded being left alone with Eliza  from
her she got neither sympathy in her dejection  support in her fears  nor
aid in her preparations  so I bore with her feeble minded wailings and
selfish lamentations as well as I could  and did my best in sewing for
her and packing her dresses   It is true  that while I worked  she would
idle  and I thought to myself   If you and I were destined to live always
together  cousin  we would commence matters on a different footing   I
should not settle tamely down into being the forbearing party  I should
assign you your share of labour  and compel you to accomplish it  or else
it should be left undone  I should insist  also  on your keeping some of
those drawling  half insincere complaints hushed in your own breast   It
is only because our connection happens to be very transitory  and comes
at a peculiarly mournful season  that I consent thus to render it so
patient and compliant on my part  

At last I saw Georgiana off  but now it was Eliza s turn to request me to
stay another week   Her plans required all her time and attention  she
said  she was about to depart for some unknown bourne  and all day long
she stayed in her own room  her door bolted within  filling trunks 
emptying drawers  burning papers  and holding no communication with any
one   She wished me to look after the house  to see callers  and answer
notes of condolence 

One morning she told me I was at liberty    And   she added   I am
obliged to you for your valuable services and discreet conduct   There is
some difference between living with such an one as you and with
Georgiana  you perform your own part in life and burden no one 
To morrow   she continued   I set out for the Continent   I shall take up
my abode in a religious house near Lisle  a nunnery you would call it 
there I shall be quiet and unmolested   I shall devote myself for a time
to the examination of the Roman Catholic dogmas  and to a careful study
of the workings of their system  if I find it to be  as I half suspect it
is  the one best calculated to ensure the doing of all things decently
and in order  I shall embrace the tenets of Rome and probably take the
veil  

I neither expressed surprise at this resolution nor attempted to dissuade
her from it    The vocation will fit you to a hair   I thought   much
good may it do you  

When we parted  she said   Good bye  cousin Jane Eyre  I wish you well 
you have some sense  

I then returned   You are not without sense  cousin Eliza  but what you
have  I suppose  in another year will be walled up alive in a French
convent   However  it is not my business  and so it suits you  I don t
much care  

 You are in the right   said she  and with these words we each went our
separate way   As I shall not have occasion to refer either to her or her
sister again  I may as well mention here  that Georgiana made an
advantageous match with a wealthy worn out man of fashion  and that Eliza
actually took the veil  and is at this day superior of the convent where
she passed the period of her novitiate  and which she endowed with her
fortune 

How people feel when they are returning home from an absence  long or
short  I did not know  I had never experienced the sensation   I had
known what it was to come back to Gateshead when a child after a long
walk  to be scolded for looking cold or gloomy  and later  what it was to
come back from church to Lowood  to long for a plenteous meal and a good
fire  and to be unable to get either   Neither of these returnings was
very pleasant or desirable  no magnet drew me to a given point 
increasing in its strength of attraction the nearer I came   The return
to Thornfield was yet to be tried 

My journey seemed tedious  very tedious  fifty miles one day  a night
spent at an inn  fifty miles the next day   During the first twelve hours
I thought of Mrs  Reed in her last moments  I saw her disfigured and
discoloured face  and heard her strangely altered voice   I mused on the
funeral day  the coffin  the hearse  the black train of tenants and
servants  few was the number of relatives  the gaping vault  the silent
church  the solemn service   Then I thought of Eliza and Georgiana  I
beheld one the cynosure of a ball room  the other the inmate of a convent
cell  and I dwelt on and analysed their separate peculiarities of person
and character   The evening arrival at the great town of  scattered these
thoughts  night gave them quite another turn  laid down on my traveller s
bed  I left reminiscence for anticipation 

I was going back to Thornfield  but how long was I to stay there   Not
long  of that I was sure   I had heard from Mrs  Fairfax in the interim
of my absence  the party at the hall was dispersed  Mr  Rochester had
left for London three weeks ago  but he was then expected to return in a
fortnight   Mrs  Fairfax surmised that he was gone to make arrangements
for his wedding  as he had talked of purchasing a new carriage  she said
the idea of his marrying Miss Ingram still seemed strange to her  but
from what everybody said  and from what she had herself seen  she could
no longer doubt that the event would shortly take place    You would be
strangely incredulous if you did doubt it   was my mental comment    I
don t doubt it  

The question followed   Where was I to go    I dreamt of Miss Ingram all
the night  in a vivid morning dream I saw her closing the gates of
Thornfield against me and pointing me out another road  and Mr  Rochester
looked on with his arms folded  smiling sardonically  as it seemed  at
both her and me 

I had not notified to Mrs  Fairfax the exact day of my return  for I did
not wish either car or carriage to meet me at Millcote   I proposed to
walk the distance quietly by myself  and very quietly  after leaving my
box in the ostler s care  did I slip away from the George Inn  about six
o clock of a June evening  and take the old road to Thornfield  a road
which lay chiefly through fields  and was now little frequented 

It was not a bright or splendid summer evening  though fair and soft  the
haymakers were at work all along the road  and the sky  though far from
cloudless  was such as promised well for the future  its blue  where blue
was visible  was mild and settled  and its cloud strata high and thin 
The west  too  was warm  no watery gleam chilled it  it seemed as if
there was a fire lit  an altar burning behind its screen of marbled
vapour  and out of apertures shone a golden redness 

I felt glad as the road shortened before me  so glad that I stopped once
to ask myself what that joy meant  and to remind reason that it was not
to my home I was going  or to a permanent resting place  or to a place
where fond friends looked out for me and waited my arrival    Mrs 
Fairfax will smile you a calm welcome  to be sure   said I   and little
Adele will clap her hands and jump to see you  but you know very well you
are thinking of another than they  and that he is not thinking of you  

But what is so headstrong as youth   What so blind as inexperience   These
affirmed that it was pleasure enough to have the privilege of again
looking on Mr  Rochester  whether he looked on me or not  and they
added   Hasten  hasten  be with him while you may  but a few more days or
weeks  at most  and you are parted from him for ever    And then I
strangled a new born agony  a deformed thing which I could not persuade
myself to own and rear  and ran on 

They are making hay  too  in Thornfield meadows  or rather  the labourers
are just quitting their work  and returning home with their rakes on
their shoulders  now  at the hour I arrive   I have but a field or two to
traverse  and then I shall cross the road and reach the gates   How full
the hedges are of roses   But I have no time to gather any  I want to be
at the house   I passed a tall briar  shooting leafy and flowery branches
across the path  I see the narrow stile with stone steps  and I see  Mr 
Rochester sitting there  a book and a pencil in his hand  he is writing 

Well  he is not a ghost  yet every nerve I have is unstrung  for a moment
I am beyond my own mastery   What does it mean   I did not think I should
tremble in this way when I saw him  or lose my voice or the power of
motion in his presence   I will go back as soon as I can stir  I need not
make an absolute fool of myself   I know another way to the house   It
does not signify if I knew twenty ways  for he has seen me 

 Hillo   he cries  and he puts up his book and his pencil    There you
are   Come on  if you please  

I suppose I do come on  though in what fashion I know not  being scarcely
cognisant of my movements  and solicitous only to appear calm  and  above
all  to control the working muscles of my face  which I feel rebel
insolently against my will  and struggle to express what I had resolved
to conceal   But I have a veil  it is down  I may make shift yet to
behave with decent composure 

 And this is Jane Eyre   Are you coming from Millcote  and on foot 
Yes  just one of your tricks  not to send for a carriage  and come
clattering over street and road like a common mortal  but to steal into
the vicinage of your home along with twilight  just as if you were a
dream or a shade   What the deuce have you done with yourself this last
month  

 I have been with my aunt  sir  who is dead  

 A true Janian reply   Good angels be my guard   She comes from the other
world  from the abode of people who are dead  and tells me so when she
meets me alone here in the gloaming   If I dared  I d touch you  to see
if you are substance or shadow  you elf   but I d as soon offer to take
hold of a blue  ignis fatuus  light in a marsh   Truant  truant   he
added  when he had paused an instant    Absent from me a whole month  and
forgetting me quite  I ll be sworn  

I knew there would be pleasure in meeting my master again  even though
broken by the fear that he was so soon to cease to be my master  and by
the knowledge that I was nothing to him  but there was ever in Mr 
Rochester  so at least I thought  such a wealth of the power of
communicating happiness  that to taste but of the crumbs he scattered to
stray and stranger birds like me  was to feast genially   His last words
were balm  they seemed to imply that it imported something to him whether
I forgot him or not   And he had spoken of Thornfield as my home  would
that it were my home 

He did not leave the stile  and I hardly liked to ask to go by   I
inquired soon if he had not been to London 

 Yes  I suppose you found that out by second sight  

 Mrs  Fairfax told me in a letter  

 And did she inform you what I went to do  

 Oh  yes  sir   Everybody knew your errand  

 You must see the carriage  Jane  and tell me if you don t think it will
suit Mrs  Rochester exactly  and whether she won t look like Queen
Boadicea  leaning back against those purple cushions   I wish  Jane  I
were a trifle better adapted to match with her externally   Tell me now 
fairy as you are  can t you give me a charm  or a philter  or something
of that sort  to make me a handsome man  

 It would be past the power of magic  sir   and  in thought  I added   A
loving eye is all the charm needed  to such you are handsome enough  or
rather your sternness has a power beyond beauty  

Mr  Rochester had sometimes read my unspoken thoughts with an acumen to
me incomprehensible  in the present instance he took no notice of my
abrupt vocal response  but he smiled at me with a certain smile he had of
his own  and which he used but on rare occasions   He seemed to think it
too good for common purposes  it was the real sunshine of feeling  he
shed it over me now 

 Pass  Janet   said he  making room for me to cross the stile   go up
home  and stay your weary little wandering feet at a friend s threshold  

All I had now to do was to obey him in silence  no need for me to
colloquise further   I got over the stile without a word  and meant to
leave him calmly   An impulse held me fast  a force turned me round   I
said  or something in me said for me  and in spite of me  

 Thank you  Mr  Rochester  for your great kindness   I am strangely glad
to get back again to you  and wherever you are is my home  my only home  

I walked on so fast that even he could hardly have overtaken me had he
tried   Little Adele was half wild with delight when she saw me   Mrs 
Fairfax received me with her usual plain friendliness   Leah smiled  and
even Sophie bid me  bon soir  with glee   This was very pleasant  there
is no happiness like that of being loved by your fellow creatures  and
feeling that your presence is an addition to their comfort 

I that evening shut my eyes resolutely against the future  I stopped my
cars against the voice that kept warning me of near separation and coming
grief   When tea was over and Mrs  Fairfax had taken her knitting  and I
had assumed a low seat near her  and Adele  kneeling on the carpet  had
nestled close up to me  and a sense of mutual affection seemed to
surround us with a ring of golden peace  I uttered a silent prayer that
we might not be parted far or soon  but when  as we thus sat  Mr 
Rochester entered  unannounced  and looking at us  seemed to take
pleasure in the spectacle of a group so amicable  when he said he
supposed the old lady was all right now that she had got her adopted
daughter back again  and added that he saw Adele was  prete a croquer sa
petite maman Anglaise   I half ventured to hope that he would  even after
his marriage  keep us together somewhere under the shelter of his
protection  and not quite exiled from the sunshine of his presence 

A fortnight of dubious calm succeeded my return to Thornfield Hall 
Nothing was said of the master s marriage  and I saw no preparation going
on for such an event   Almost every day I asked Mrs  Fairfax if she had
yet heard anything decided  her answer was always in the negative   Once
she said she had actually put the question to Mr  Rochester as to when he
was going to bring his bride home  but he had answered her only by a joke
and one of his queer looks  and she could not tell what to make of him 

One thing specially surprised me  and that was  there were no journeyings
backward and forward  no visits to Ingram Park  to be sure it was twenty
miles off  on the borders of another county  but what was that distance
to an ardent lover   To so practised and indefatigable a horseman as Mr 
Rochester  it would be but a morning s ride   I began to cherish hopes I
had no right to conceive  that the match was broken off  that rumour had
been mistaken  that one or both parties had changed their minds   I used
to look at my master s face to see if it were sad or fierce  but I could
not remember the time when it had been so uniformly clear of clouds or
evil feelings   If  in the moments I and my pupil spent with him  I
lacked spirits and sank into inevitable dejection  he became even gay 
Never had he called me more frequently to his presence  never been kinder
to me when there  and  alas  never had I loved him so well 




CHAPTER XXIII


A splendid Midsummer shone over England  skies so pure  suns so radiant
as were then seen in long succession  seldom favour even singly  our wave 
girt land   It was as if a band of Italian days had come from the South 
like a flock of glorious passenger birds  and lighted to rest them on the
cliffs of Albion   The hay was all got in  the fields round Thornfield
were green and shorn  the roads white and baked  the trees were in their
dark prime  hedge and wood  full leaved and deeply tinted  contrasted
well with the sunny hue of the cleared meadows between 

On Midsummer eve  Adele  weary with gathering wild strawberries in Hay
Lane half the day  had gone to bed with the sun   I watched her drop
asleep  and when I left her  I sought the garden 

It was now the sweetest hour of the twenty four    Day its fervid fires
had wasted   and dew fell cool on panting plain and scorched summit 
Where the sun had gone down in simple state  pure of the pomp of
clouds  spread a solemn purple  burning with the light of red jewel and
furnace flame at one point  on one hill peak  and extending high and
wide  soft and still softer  over half heaven   The east had its own
charm or fine deep blue  and its own modest gem  a casino and solitary
star  soon it would boast the moon  but she was yet beneath the horizon 

I walked a while on the pavement  but a subtle  well known scent  that of
a cigar  stole from some window  I saw the library casement open a
handbreadth  I knew I might be watched thence  so I went apart into the
orchard   No nook in the grounds more sheltered and more Eden like  it
was full of trees  it bloomed with flowers  a very high wall shut it out
from the court  on one side  on the other  a beech avenue screened it
from the lawn   At the bottom was a sunk fence  its sole separation from
lonely fields  a winding walk  bordered with laurels and terminating in a
giant horse chestnut  circled at the base by a seat  led down to the
fence   Here one could wander unseen   While such honey dew fell  such
silence reigned  such gloaming gathered  I felt as if I could haunt such
shade for ever  but in threading the flower and fruit parterres at the
upper part of the enclosure  enticed there by the light the now rising
moon cast on this more open quarter  my step is stayed  not by sound  not
by sight  but once more by a warning fragrance 

Sweet briar and southernwood  jasmine  pink  and rose have long been
yielding their evening sacrifice of incense  this new scent is neither of
shrub nor flower  it is  I know it well  it is Mr  Rochester s cigar   I
look round and I listen   I see trees laden with ripening fruit   I hear
a nightingale warbling in a wood half a mile off  no moving form is
visible  no coming step audible  but that perfume increases  I must flee 
I make for the wicket leading to the shrubbery  and I see Mr  Rochester
entering   I step aside into the ivy recess  he will not stay long  he
will soon return whence he came  and if I sit still he will never see me 

But no  eventide is as pleasant to him as to me  and this antique garden
as attractive  and he strolls on  now lifting the gooseberry tree
branches to look at the fruit  large as plums  with which they are laden 
now taking a ripe cherry from the wall  now stooping towards a knot of
flowers  either to inhale their fragrance or to admire the dew beads on
their petals   A great moth goes humming by me  it alights on a plant at
Mr  Rochester s foot  he sees it  and bends to examine it 

 Now  he has his back towards me   thought I   and he is occupied too 
perhaps  if I walk softly  I can slip away unnoticed  

I trode on an edging of turf that the crackle of the pebbly gravel might
not betray me  he was standing among the beds at a yard or two distant
from where I had to pass  the moth apparently engaged him    I shall get
by very well   I meditated   As I crossed his shadow  thrown long over
the garden by the moon  not yet risen high  he said quietly  without
turning  

 Jane  come and look at this fellow  

I had made no noise  he had not eyes behind  could his shadow feel   I
started at first  and then I approached him 

 Look at his wings   said he   he reminds me rather of a West Indian
insect  one does not often see so large and gay a night rover in England 
there  he is flown  

The moth roamed away   I was sheepishly retreating also  but Mr 
Rochester followed me  and when we reached the wicket  he said  

 Turn back  on so lovely a night it is a shame to sit in the house  and
surely no one can wish to go to bed while sunset is thus at meeting with
moonrise  

It is one of my faults  that though my tongue is sometimes prompt enough
at an answer  there are times when it sadly fails me in framing an
excuse  and always the lapse occurs at some crisis  when a facile word or
plausible pretext is specially wanted to get me out of painful
embarrassment   I did not like to walk at this hour alone with Mr 
Rochester in the shadowy orchard  but I could not find a reason to allege
for leaving him   I followed with lagging step  and thoughts busily bent
on discovering a means of extrication  but he himself looked so composed
and so grave also  I became ashamed of feeling any confusion  the evil  if
evil existent or prospective there was  seemed to lie with me only  his
mind was unconscious and quiet 

 Jane   he recommenced  as we entered the laurel walk  and slowly strayed
down in the direction of the sunk fence and the horse chestnut 
 Thornfield is a pleasant place in summer  is it not  

 Yes  sir  

 You must have become in some degree attached to the house   you  who
have an eye for natural beauties  and a good deal of the organ of
Adhesiveness  

 I am attached to it  indeed  

 And though I don t comprehend how it is  I perceive you have acquired a
degree of regard for that foolish little child Adele  too  and even for
simple dame Fairfax  

 Yes  sir  in different ways  I have an affection for both  

 And would be sorry to part with them  

 Yes  

 Pity   he said  and sighed and paused    It is always the way of events
in this life   he continued presently   no sooner have you got settled in
a pleasant resting place  than a voice calls out to you to rise and move
on  for the hour of repose is expired  

 Must I move on  sir   I asked    Must I leave Thornfield  

 I believe you must  Jane   I am sorry  Janet  but I believe indeed you
must  

This was a blow  but I did not let it prostrate me 

 Well  sir  I shall be ready when the order to march comes  

 It is come now  I must give it to night  

 Then you  are  going to be married  sir  

 Ex act ly  pre cise ly  with your usual acuteness  you have hit the nail
straight on the head  

 Soon  sir  

 Very soon  my  that is  Miss Eyre  and you ll remember  Jane  the first
time I  or Rumour  plainly intimated to you that it was my intention to
put my old bachelor s neck into the sacred noose  to enter into the holy
estate of matrimony  to take Miss Ingram to my bosom  in short  she s an
extensive armful  but that s not to the point  one can t have too much of
such a very excellent thing as my beautiful Blanche   well  as I was
saying  listen to me  Jane   You re not turning your head to look after
more moths  are you   That was only a lady clock  child   flying away
home    I wish to remind you that it was you who first said to me  with
that discretion I respect in you  with that foresight  prudence  and
humility which befit your responsible and dependent position  that in
case I married Miss Ingram  both you and little Adele had better trot
forthwith   I pass over the sort of slur conveyed in this suggestion on
the character of my beloved  indeed  when you are far away  Janet  I ll
try to forget it  I shall notice only its wisdom  which is such that I
have made it my law of action   Adele must go to school  and you  Miss
Eyre  must get a new situation  

 Yes  sir  I will advertise immediately  and meantime  I suppose    I was
going to say   I suppose I may stay here  till I find another shelter to
betake myself to   but I stopped  feeling it would not do to risk a long
sentence  for my voice was not quite under command 

 In about a month I hope to be a bridegroom   continued Mr  Rochester 
 and in the interim  I shall myself look out for employment and an asylum
for you  

 Thank you  sir  I am sorry to give   

 Oh  no need to apologise   I consider that when a dependent does her
duty as well as you have done yours  she has a sort of claim upon her
employer for any little assistance he can conveniently render her  indeed
I have already  through my future mother in law  heard of a place that I
think will suit  it is to undertake the education of the five daughters
of Mrs  Dionysius O Gall of Bitternutt Lodge  Connaught  Ireland   You ll
like Ireland  I think  they re such warm hearted people there  they say  

 It is a long way off  sir  

 No matter  a girl of your sense will not object to the voyage or the
distance  

 Not the voyage  but the distance  and then the sea is a barrier   

 From what  Jane  

 From England and from Thornfield  and   

 Well  

 From  you   sir  

I said this almost involuntarily  and  with as little sanction of free
will  my tears gushed out   I did not cry so as to be heard  however  I
avoided sobbing   The thought of Mrs  O Gall and Bitternutt Lodge struck
cold to my heart  and colder the thought of all the brine and foam 
destined  as it seemed  to rush between me and the master at whose side I
now walked  and coldest the remembrance of the wider ocean  wealth 
caste  custom intervened between me and what I naturally and inevitably
loved 

 It is a long way   I again said 

 It is  to be sure  and when you get to Bitternutt Lodge  Connaught 
Ireland  I shall never see you again  Jane  that s morally certain   I
never go over to Ireland  not having myself much of a fancy for the
country   We have been good friends  Jane  have we not  

 Yes  sir  

 And when friends are on the eve of separation  they like to spend the
little time that remains to them close to each other   Come  we ll talk
over the voyage and the parting quietly half an hour or so  while the
stars enter into their shining life up in heaven yonder  here is the
chestnut tree  here is the bench at its old roots   Come  we will sit
there in peace to night  though we should never more be destined to sit
there together    He seated me and himself 

 It is a long way to Ireland  Janet  and I am sorry to send my little
friend on such weary travels  but if I can t do better  how is it to be
helped   Are you anything akin to me  do you think  Jane  

I could risk no sort of answer by this time  my heart was still 

 Because   he said   I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to
you  especially when you are near me  as now  it is as if I had a string
somewhere under my left ribs  tightly and inextricably knotted to a
similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little
frame   And if that boisterous Channel  and two hundred miles or so of
land come broad between us  I am afraid that cord of communion will be
snapt  and then I ve a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly 
As for you   you d forget me  

 That I  never  should  sir  you know     Impossible to proceed 

 Jane  do you hear that nightingale singing in the wood   Listen  

In listening  I sobbed convulsively  for I could repress what I endured
no longer  I was obliged to yield  and I was shaken from head to foot
with acute distress   When I did speak  it was only to express an
impetuous wish that I had never been born  or never come to Thornfield 

 Because you are sorry to leave it  

The vehemence of emotion  stirred by grief and love within me  was
claiming mastery  and struggling for full sway  and asserting a right to
predominate  to overcome  to live  rise  and reign at last  yes   and to
speak 

 I grieve to leave Thornfield  I love Thornfield   I love it  because I
have lived in it a full and delightful life   momentarily at least   I
have not been trampled on   I have not been petrified   I have not been
buried with inferior minds  and excluded from every glimpse of communion
with what is bright and energetic and high   I have talked  face to face 
with what I reverence  with what I delight in   with an original  a
vigorous  an expanded mind   I have known you  Mr  Rochester  and it
strikes me with terror and anguish to feel I absolutely must be torn from
you for ever   I see the necessity of departure  and it is like looking
on the necessity of death  

 Where do you see the necessity   he asked suddenly 

 Where   You  sir  have placed it before me  

 In what shape  

 In the shape of Miss Ingram  a noble and beautiful woman   your bride  

 My bride   What bride   I have no bride  

 But you will have  

 Yes   I will   I will    He set his teeth 

 Then I must go   you have said it yourself  

 No  you must stay   I swear it  and the oath shall be kept  

 I tell you I must go   I retorted  roused to something like passion    Do
you think I can stay to become nothing to you   Do you think I am an
automaton   a machine without feelings  and can bear to have my morsel of
bread snatched from my lips  and my drop of living water dashed from my
cup   Do you think  because I am poor  obscure  plain  and little  I am
soulless and heartless   You think wrong   I have as much soul as
you   and full as much heart   And if God had gifted me with some beauty
and much wealth  I should have made it as hard for you to leave me  as it
is now for me to leave you   I am not talking to you now through the
medium of custom  conventionalities  nor even of mortal flesh   it is my
spirit that addresses your spirit  just as if both had passed through the
grave  and we stood at God s feet  equal   as we are  

 As we are   repeated Mr  Rochester   so   he added  enclosing me in his
arms   Gathering me to his breast  pressing his lips on my lips   so 
Jane  

 Yes  so  sir   I rejoined   and yet not so  for you are a married man  or
as good as a married man  and wed to one inferior to you  to one with
whom you have no sympathy  whom I do not believe you truly love  for I
have seen and heard you sneer at her   I would scorn such a union 
therefore I am better than you  let me go  

 Where  Jane   To Ireland  

 Yes  to Ireland   I have spoken my mind  and can go anywhere now  

 Jane  be still  don t struggle so  like a wild frantic bird that is
rending its own plumage in its desperation  

 I am no bird  and no net ensnares me  I am a free human being with an
independent will  which I now exert to leave you  

Another effort set me at liberty  and I stood erect before him 

 And your will shall decide your destiny   he said   I offer you my hand 
my heart  and a share of all my possessions  

 You play a farce  which I merely laugh at  

 I ask you to pass through life at my side  to be my second self  and
best earthly companion  

 For that fate you have already made your choice  and must abide by it  

 Jane  be still a few moments  you are over excited  I will be still
too  

A waft of wind came sweeping down the laurel walk  and trembled through
the boughs of the chestnut  it wandered away  away  to an indefinite
distance  it died   The nightingale s song was then the only voice of the
hour  in listening to it  I again wept   Mr  Rochester sat quiet  looking
at me gently and seriously   Some time passed before he spoke  he at last
said  

 Come to my side  Jane  and let us explain and understand one another  

 I will never again come to your side  I am torn away now  and cannot
return  

 But  Jane  I summon you as my wife  it is you only I intend to marry  

I was silent  I thought he mocked me 

 Come  Jane  come hither  

 Your bride stands between us  

He rose  and with a stride reached me 

 My bride is here   he said  again drawing me to him   because my equal
is here  and my likeness   Jane  will you marry me  

Still I did not answer  and still I writhed myself from his grasp  for I
was still incredulous 

 Do you doubt me  Jane  

 Entirely  

 You have no faith in me  

 Not a whit  

 Am I a liar in your eyes   he asked passionately    Little sceptic  you
 shall  be convinced   What love have I for Miss Ingram   None  and that
you know   What love has she for me   None  as I have taken pains to
prove  I caused a rumour to reach her that my fortune was not a third of
what was supposed  and after that I presented myself to see the result 
it was coldness both from her and her mother   I would not  I could
not  marry Miss Ingram   You  you strange  you almost unearthly thing   I
love as my own flesh   You  poor and obscure  and small and plain as you
are  I entreat to accept me as a husband  

 What  me   I ejaculated  beginning in his earnestness  and especially in
his incivility  to credit his sincerity   me who have not a friend in the
world but you  if you are my friend  not a shilling but what you have
given me  

 You  Jane  I must have you for my own  entirely my own   Will you be
mine   Say yes  quickly  

 Mr  Rochester  let me look at your face  turn to the moonlight  

 Why  

 Because I want to read your countenance  turn  

 There  you will find it scarcely more legible than a crumpled  scratched
page   Read on  only make haste  for I suffer  

His face was very much agitated and very much flushed  and there were
strong workings in the features  and strange gleams in the eyes 

 Oh  Jane  you torture me   he exclaimed    With that searching and yet
faithful and generous look  you torture me  

 How can I do that   If you are true  and your offer real  my only
feelings to you must be gratitude and devotion  they cannot torture  

 Gratitude   he ejaculated  and added wildly   Jane accept me quickly 
Say  Edward  give me my name  Edward  I will marry you  

 Are you in earnest   Do you truly love me   Do you sincerely wish me to
be your wife  

 I do  and if an oath is necessary to satisfy you  I swear it  

 Then  sir  I will marry you  

 Edward  my little wife  

 Dear Edward  

 Come to me  come to me entirely now   said he  and added  in his deepest
tone  speaking in my ear as his cheek was laid on mine   Make my
happiness  I will make yours  

 God pardon me   he subjoined ere long   and man meddle not with me  I
have her  and will hold her  

 There is no one to meddle  sir   I have no kindred to interfere  

 No  that is the best of it   he said   And if I had loved him less I
should have thought his accent and look of exultation savage  but 
sitting by him  roused from the nightmare of parting  called to the
paradise of union  I thought only of the bliss given me to drink in so
abundant a flow   Again and again he said   Are you happy  Jane    And
again and again I answered   Yes    After which he murmured   It will
atone  it will atone   Have I not found her friendless  and cold  and
comfortless   Will I not guard  and cherish  and solace her   Is there
not love in my heart  and constancy in my resolves   It will expiate at
God s tribunal   I know my Maker sanctions what I do   For the world s
judgment  I wash my hands thereof   For man s opinion  I defy it  

But what had befallen the night   The moon was not yet set  and we were
all in shadow  I could scarcely see my master s face  near as I was   And
what ailed the chestnut tree  it writhed and groaned  while wind roared
in the laurel walk  and came sweeping over us 

 We must go in   said Mr  Rochester   the weather changes   I could have
sat with thee till morning  Jane  

 And so   thought I   could I with you    I should have said so  perhaps 
but a livid  vivid spark leapt out of a cloud at which I was looking  and
there was a crack  a crash  and a close rattling peal  and I thought only
of hiding my dazzled eyes against Mr  Rochester s shoulder 

The rain rushed down   He hurried me up the walk  through the grounds 
and into the house  but we were quite wet before we could pass the
threshold   He was taking off my shawl in the hall  and shaking the water
out of my loosened hair  when Mrs  Fairfax emerged from her room   I did
not observe her at first  nor did Mr  Rochester   The lamp was lit   The
clock was on the stroke of twelve 

 Hasten to take off your wet things   said he   and before you go  good 
night  good night  my darling  

He kissed me repeatedly   When I looked up  on leaving his arms  there
stood the widow  pale  grave  and amazed   I only smiled at her  and ran
upstairs    Explanation will do for another time   thought I   Still 
when I reached my chamber  I felt a pang at the idea she should even
temporarily misconstrue what she had seen   But joy soon effaced every
other feeling  and loud as the wind blew  near and deep as the thunder
crashed  fierce and frequent as the lightning gleamed  cataract like as
the rain fell during a storm of two hours  duration  I experienced no
fear and little awe   Mr  Rochester came thrice to my door in the course
of it  to ask if I was safe and tranquil  and that was comfort  that was
strength for anything 

Before I left my bed in the morning  little Adele came running in to tell
me that the great horse chestnut at the bottom of the orchard had been
struck by lightning in the night  and half of it split away 




CHAPTER XXIV


As I rose and dressed  I thought over what had happened  and wondered if
it were a dream   I could not be certain of the reality till I had seen
Mr  Rochester again  and heard him renew his words of love and promise 

While arranging my hair  I looked at my face in the glass  and felt it
was no longer plain  there was hope in its aspect and life in its colour 
and my eyes seemed as if they had beheld the fount of fruition  and
borrowed beams from the lustrous ripple   I had often been unwilling to
look at my master  because I feared he could not be pleased at my look 
but I was sure I might lift my face to his now  and not cool his
affection by its expression   I took a plain but clean and light summer
dress from my drawer and put it on  it seemed no attire had ever so well
become me  because none had I ever worn in so blissful a mood 

I was not surprised  when I ran down into the hall  to see that a
brilliant June morning had succeeded to the tempest of the night  and to
feel  through the open glass door  the breathing of a fresh and fragrant
breeze   Nature must be gladsome when I was so happy   A beggar woman and
her little boy  pale  ragged objects both  were coming up the walk  and I
ran down and gave them all the money I happened to have in my purse  some
three or four shillings  good or bad  they must partake of my jubilee 
The rooks cawed  and blither birds sang  but nothing was so merry or so
musical as my own rejoicing heart 

Mrs  Fairfax surprised me by looking out of the window with a sad
countenance  and saying gravely   Miss Eyre  will you come to breakfast  
During the meal she was quiet and cool  but I could not undeceive her
then   I must wait for my master to give explanations  and so must she   I
ate what I could  and then I hastened upstairs   I met Adele leaving the
schoolroom 

 Where are you going   It is time for lessons  

 Mr  Rochester has sent me away to the nursery  

 Where is he  

 In there   pointing to the apartment she had left  and I went in  and
there he stood 

 Come and bid me good morning   said he   I gladly advanced  and it was
not merely a cold word now  or even a shake of the hand that I received 
but an embrace and a kiss   It seemed natural  it seemed genial to be so
well loved  so caressed by him 

 Jane  you look blooming  and smiling  and pretty   said he   truly
pretty this morning   Is this my pale  little elf   Is this my mustard 
seed   This little sunny faced girl with the dimpled cheek and rosy lips 
the satin smooth hazel hair  and the radiant hazel eyes     I had green
eyes  reader  but you must excuse the mistake  for him they were
new dyed  I suppose  

 It is Jane Eyre  sir  

 Soon to be Jane Rochester   he added   in four weeks  Janet  not a day
more   Do you hear that  

I did  and I could not quite comprehend it  it made me giddy   The
feeling  the announcement sent through me  was something stronger than
was consistent with joy  something that smote and stunned   It was  I
think almost fear 

 You blushed  and now you are white  Jane  what is that for  

 Because you gave me a new name  Jane Rochester  and it seems so
strange  

 Yes  Mrs  Rochester   said he   young Mrs  Rochester  Fairfax
Rochester s girl bride  

 It can never be  sir  it does not sound likely   Human beings never
enjoy complete happiness in this world   I was not born for a different
destiny to the rest of my species  to imagine such a lot befalling me is
a fairy tale  a day dream  

 Which I can and will realise   I shall begin to day   This morning I
wrote to my banker in London to send me certain jewels he has in his
keeping   heirlooms for the ladies of Thornfield   In a day or two I hope
to pour them into your lap  for every privilege  every attention shall be
yours that I would accord a peer s daughter  if about to marry her  

 Oh  sir   never rain jewels   I don t like to hear them spoken of 
Jewels for Jane Eyre sounds unnatural and strange  I would rather not
have them  

 I will myself put the diamond chain round your neck  and the circlet on
your forehead   which it will become  for nature  at least  has stamped
her patent of nobility on this brow  Jane  and I will clasp the bracelets
on these fine wrists  and load these fairy like fingers with rings  

 No  no  sir  think of other subjects  and speak of other things  and in
another strain   Don t address me as if I were a beauty  I am your plain 
Quakerish governess  

 You are a beauty in my eyes  and a beauty just after the desire of my
heart   delicate and aerial  

 Puny and insignificant  you mean   You are dreaming  sir   or you are
sneering   For God s sake don t be ironical  

 I will make the world acknowledge you a beauty  too   he went on  while
I really became uneasy at the strain he had adopted  because I felt he
was either deluding himself or trying to delude me    I will attire my
Jane in satin and lace  and she shall have roses in her hair  and I will
cover the head I love best with a priceless veil  

 And then you won t know me  sir  and I shall not be your Jane Eyre any
longer  but an ape in a harlequin s jacket  a jay in borrowed plumes   I
would as soon see you  Mr  Rochester  tricked out in stage trappings  as
myself clad in a court lady s robe  and I don t call you handsome  sir 
though I love you most dearly  far too dearly to flatter you   Don t
flatter me  

He pursued his theme  however  without noticing my deprecation    This
very day I shall take you in the carriage to Millcote  and you must
choose some dresses for yourself   I told you we shall be married in four
weeks   The wedding is to take place quietly  in the church down below
yonder  and then I shall waft you away at once to town   After a brief
stay there  I shall bear my treasure to regions nearer the sun  to French
vineyards and Italian plains  and she shall see whatever is famous in old
story and in modern record  she shall taste  too  of the life of cities 
and she shall learn to value herself by just comparison with others  

 Shall I travel   and with you  sir  

 You shall sojourn at Paris  Rome  and Naples  at Florence  Venice  and
Vienna  all the ground I have wandered over shall be re trodden by you 
wherever I stamped my hoof  your sylph s foot shall step also   Ten years
since  I flew through Europe half mad  with disgust  hate  and rage as my
companions  now I shall revisit it healed and cleansed  with a very angel
as my comforter  

I laughed at him as he said this    I am not an angel   I asserted   and
I will not be one till I die  I will be myself   Mr  Rochester  you must
neither expect nor exact anything celestial of me  for you will not get
it  any more than I shall get it of you  which I do not at all
anticipate  

 What do you anticipate of me  

 For a little while you will perhaps be as you are now   a very little
while  and then you will turn cool  and then you will be capricious  and
then you will be stern  and I shall have much ado to please you  but when
you get well used to me  you will perhaps like me again    like  me  I
say  not  love  me   I suppose your love will effervesce in six months 
or less   I have observed in books written by men  that period assigned
as the farthest to which a husband s ardour extends   Yet  after all  as
a friend and companion  I hope never to become quite distasteful to my
dear master  

 Distasteful  and like you again   I think I shall like you again  and
yet again  and I will make you confess I do not only  like   but  love 
you  with truth  fervour  constancy  

 Yet are you not capricious  sir  

 To women who please me only by their faces  I am the very devil when I
find out they have neither souls nor hearts  when they open to me a
perspective of flatness  triviality  and perhaps imbecility  coarseness 
and ill temper  but to the clear eye and eloquent tongue  to the soul
made of fire  and the character that bends but does not break  at once
supple and stable  tractable and consistent  I am ever tender and true  

 Had you ever experience of such a character  sir   Did you ever love
such an one  

 I love it now  

 But before me  if I  indeed  in any respect come up to your difficult
standard  

 I never met your likeness   Jane  you please me  and you master me  you
seem to submit  and I like the sense of pliancy you impart  and while I
am twining the soft  silken skein round my finger  it sends a thrill up
my arm to my heart   I am influenced  conquered  and the influence is
sweeter than I can express  and the conquest I undergo has a witchery
beyond any triumph I can win   Why do you smile  Jane   What does that
inexplicable  that uncanny turn of countenance mean  

 I was thinking  sir  you will excuse the idea  it was involuntary   I
was thinking of Hercules and Samson with their charmers   

 You were  you little elfish   

 Hush  sir   You don t talk very wisely just now  any more than those
gentlemen acted very wisely   However  had they been married  they would
no doubt by their severity as husbands have made up for their softness as
suitors  and so will you  I fear   I wonder how you will answer me a year
hence  should I ask a favour it does not suit your convenience or
pleasure to grant  

 Ask me something now  Jane   the least thing  I desire to be entreated   

 Indeed I will  sir  I have my petition all ready  

 Speak   But if you look up and smile with that countenance  I shall
swear concession before I know to what  and that will make a fool of me  

 Not at all  sir  I ask only this  don t send for the jewels  and don t
crown me with roses  you might as well put a border of gold lace round
that plain pocket handkerchief you have there  

 I might as well  gild refined gold    I know it  your request is granted
then  for the time   I will remand the order I despatched to my banker 
But you have not yet asked for anything  you have prayed a gift to be
withdrawn  try again  

 Well then  sir  have the goodness to gratify my curiosity  which is much
piqued on one point  

He looked disturbed    What  what   he said hastily    Curiosity is a
dangerous petition  it is well I have not taken a vow to accord every
request   

 But there can be no danger in complying with this  sir  

 Utter it  Jane  but I wish that instead of a mere inquiry into  perhaps 
a secret  it was a wish for half my estate  

 Now  King Ahasuerus   What do I want with half your estate   Do you
think I am a Jew usurer  seeking good investment in land   I would much
rather have all your confidence   You will not exclude me from your
confidence if you admit me to your heart  

 You are welcome to all my confidence that is worth having  Jane  but for
God s sake  don t desire a useless burden   Don t long for poison  don t
turn out a downright Eve on my hands  

 Why not  sir   You have just been telling me how much you liked to be
conquered  and how pleasant over persuasion is to you   Don t you think I
had better take advantage of the confession  and begin and coax and
entreat  even cry and be sulky if necessary  for the sake of a mere essay
of my power  

 I dare you to any such experiment   Encroach  presume  and the game is
up  

 Is it  sir   You soon give in   How stern you look now   Your eyebrows
have become as thick as my finger  and your forehead resembles what  in
some very astonishing poetry  I once saw styled   a blue piled
thunderloft    That will be your married look  sir  I suppose  

 If that will be  your  married look  I  as a Christian  will soon give
up the notion of consorting with a mere sprite or salamander   But what
had you to ask  thing   out with it  

 There  you are less than civil now  and I like rudeness a great deal
better than flattery   I had rather be a  thing  than an angel   This is
what I have to ask   Why did you take such pains to make me believe you
wished to marry Miss Ingram  

 Is that all   Thank God it is no worse    And now he unknit his black
brows  looked down  smiling at me  and stroked my hair  as if well
pleased at seeing a danger averted    I think I may confess   he
continued   even although I should make you a little indignant  Jane  and
I have seen what a fire spirit you can be when you are indignant   You
glowed in the cool moonlight last night  when you mutinied against fate 
and claimed your rank as my equal   Janet  by the bye  it was you who
made me the offer  

 Of course I did   But to the point if you please  sir  Miss Ingram  

 Well  I feigned courtship of Miss Ingram  because I wished to render you
as madly in love with me as I was with you  and I knew jealousy would be
the best ally I could call in for the furtherance of that end  

 Excellent   Now you are small  not one whit bigger than the end of my
little finger   It was a burning shame and a scandalous disgrace to act
in that way   Did you think nothing of Miss Ingram s feelings  sir  

 Her feelings are concentrated in one  pride  and that needs humbling 
Were you jealous  Jane  

 Never mind  Mr  Rochester  it is in no way interesting to you to know
that   Answer me truly once more   Do you think Miss Ingram will not
suffer from your dishonest coquetry   Won t she feel forsaken and
deserted  

 Impossible   when I told you how she  on the contrary  deserted me  the
idea of my insolvency cooled  or rather extinguished  her flame in a
moment  

 You have a curious  designing mind  Mr  Rochester   I am afraid your
principles on some points are eccentric  

 My principles were never trained  Jane  they may have grown a little
awry for want of attention  

 Once again  seriously  may I enjoy the great good that has been
vouchsafed to me  without fearing that any one else is suffering the
bitter pain I myself felt a while ago  

 That you may  my good little girl  there is not another being in the
world has the same pure love for me as yourself  for I lay that pleasant
unction to my soul  Jane  a belief in your affection  

I turned my lips to the hand that lay on my shoulder   I loved him very
much  more than I could trust myself to say  more than words had power to
express 

 Ask something more   he said presently   it is my delight to be
entreated  and to yield  

I was again ready with my request    Communicate your intentions to Mrs 
Fairfax  sir  she saw me with you last night in the hall  and she was
shocked   Give her some explanation before I see her again   It pains me
to be misjudged by so good a woman  

 Go to your room  and put on your bonnet   he replied    I mean you to
accompany me to Millcote this morning  and while you prepare for the
drive  I will enlighten the old lady s understanding   Did she think 
Janet  you had given the world for love  and considered it well lost  

 I believe she thought I had forgotten my station  and yours  sir  

 Station  station   your station is in my heart  and on the necks of
those who would insult you  now or hereafter   Go  

I was soon dressed  and when I heard Mr  Rochester quit Mrs  Fairfax s
parlour  I hurried down to it   The old lady  had been reading her
morning portion of Scripture  the Lesson for the day  her Bible lay open
before her  and her spectacles were upon it   Her occupation  suspended
by Mr  Rochester s announcement  seemed now forgotten  her eyes  fixed on
the blank wall opposite  expressed the surprise of a quiet mind stirred
by unwonted tidings   Seeing me  she roused herself  she made a sort of
effort to smile  and framed a few words of congratulation  but the smile
expired  and the sentence was abandoned unfinished   She put up her
spectacles  shut the Bible  and pushed her chair back from the table 

 I feel so astonished   she began   I hardly know what to say to you 
Miss Eyre   I have surely not been dreaming  have I   Sometimes I half
fall asleep when I am sitting alone and fancy things that have never
happened   It has seemed to me more than once when I have been in a doze 
that my dear husband  who died fifteen years since  has come in and sat
down beside me  and that I have even heard him call me by my name  Alice 
as he used to do   Now  can you tell me whether it is actually true that
Mr  Rochester has asked you to marry him   Don t laugh at me   But I
really thought he came in here five minutes ago  and said that in a month
you would be his wife  

 He has said the same thing to me   I replied 

 He has   Do you believe him   Have you accepted him  

 Yes  

She looked at me bewildered    I could never have thought it   He is a
proud man  all the Rochesters were proud  and his father  at least  liked
money   He  too  has always been called careful   He means to marry you  

 He tells me so  

She surveyed my whole person  in her eyes I read that they had there
found no charm powerful enough to solve the enigma 

 It passes me   she continued   but no doubt  it is true since you say
so   How it will answer  I cannot tell  I really don t know   Equality of
position and fortune is often advisable in such cases  and there are
twenty years of difference in your ages   He might almost be your
father  

 No  indeed  Mrs  Fairfax   exclaimed I  nettled   he is nothing like my
father   No one  who saw us together  would suppose it for an instant 
Mr  Rochester looks as young  and is as young  as some men at five and 
twenty  

 Is it really for love he is going to marry you   she asked 

I was so hurt by her coldness and scepticism  that the tears rose to my
eyes 

 I am sorry to grieve you   pursued the widow   but you are so young  and
so little acquainted with men  I wished to put you on your guard   It is
an old saying that  all is not gold that glitters   and in this case I do
fear there will be something found to be different to what either you or
I expect  

 Why   am I a monster   I said   is it impossible that Mr  Rochester
should have a sincere affection for me  

 No  you are very well  and much improved of late  and Mr  Rochester  I
daresay  is fond of you   I have always noticed that you were a sort of
pet of his   There are times when  for your sake  I have been a little
uneasy at his marked preference  and have wished to put you on your
guard  but I did not like to suggest even the possibility of wrong   I
knew such an idea would shock  perhaps offend you  and you were so
discreet  and so thoroughly modest and sensible  I hoped you might be
trusted to protect yourself   Last night I cannot tell you what I
suffered when I sought all over the house  and could find you nowhere 
nor the master either  and then  at twelve o clock  saw you come in with
him  

 Well  never mind that now   I interrupted impatiently   it is enough
that all was right  

 I hope all will be right in the end   she said   but believe me  you
cannot be too careful   Try and keep Mr  Rochester at a distance 
distrust yourself as well as him   Gentlemen in his station are not
accustomed to marry their governesses  

I was growing truly irritated  happily  Adele ran in 

 Let me go   let me go to Millcote too   she cried    Mr  Rochester
won t  though there is so much room in the new carriage   Beg him to let
me go mademoiselle  

 That I will  Adele   and I hastened away with her  glad to quit my
gloomy monitress   The carriage was ready  they were bringing it round to
the front  and my master was pacing the pavement  Pilot following him
backwards and forwards 

 Adele may accompany us  may she not  sir  

 I told her no   I ll have no brats   I ll have only you  

 Do let her go  Mr  Rochester  if you please  it would be better  

 Not it  she will be a restraint  

He was quite peremptory  both in look and voice   The chill of Mrs 
Fairfax s warnings  and the damp of her doubts were upon me  something of
unsubstantiality and uncertainty had beset my hopes   I half lost the
sense of power over him   I was about mechanically to obey him  without
further remonstrance  but as he helped me into the carriage  he looked at
my face 

 What is the matter   he asked   all the sunshine is gone   Do you really
wish the bairn to go   Will it annoy you if she is left behind  

 I would far rather she went  sir  

 Then off for your bonnet  and back like a flash of lightning   cried he
to Adele 

She obeyed him with what speed she might 

 After all  a single morning s interruption will not matter much   said
he   when I mean shortly to claim you  your thoughts  conversation  and
company  for life  

Adele  when lifted in  commenced kissing me  by way of expressing her
gratitude for my intercession  she was instantly stowed away into a
corner on the other side of him   She then peeped round to where I sat 
so stern a neighbour was too restrictive to him  in his present fractious
mood  she dared whisper no observations  nor ask of him any information 

 Let her come to me   I entreated   she will  perhaps  trouble you  sir 
there is plenty of room on this side  

He handed her over as if she had been a lapdog    I ll send her to school
yet   he said  but now he was smiling 

Adele heard him  and asked if she was to go to school  sans
mademoiselle  

 Yes   he replied   absolutely sans mademoiselle  for I am to take
mademoiselle to the moon  and there I shall seek a cave in one of the
white valleys among the volcano tops  and mademoiselle shall live with me
there  and only me  

 She will have nothing to eat  you will starve her   observed Adele 

 I shall gather manna for her morning and night  the plains and hillsides
in the moon are bleached with manna  Adele  

 She will want to warm herself  what will she do for a fire  

 Fire rises out of the lunar mountains  when she is cold  I ll carry her
up to a peak  and lay her down on the edge of a crater  

 Oh  qu  elle y sera mal  peu comfortable   And her clothes  they will
wear out  how can she get new ones  

Mr  Rochester professed to be puzzled    Hem   said he    What would you
do  Adele   Cudgel your brains for an expedient   How would a white or a
pink cloud answer for a gown  do you think   And one could cut a pretty
enough scarf out of a rainbow  

 She is far better as she is   concluded Adele  after musing some time 
 besides  she would get tired of living with only you in the moon   If I
were mademoiselle  I would never consent to go with you  

 She has consented  she has pledged her word  

 But you can t get her there  there is no road to the moon  it is all
air  and neither you nor she can fly  

 Adele  look at that field    We were now outside Thornfield gates  and
bowling lightly along the smooth road to Millcote  where the dust was
well laid by the thunderstorm  and  where the low hedges and lofty timber
trees on each side glistened green and rain refreshed 

 In that field  Adele  I was walking late one evening about a fortnight
since  the evening of the day you helped me to make hay in the orchard
meadows  and  as I was tired with raking swaths  I sat down to rest me on
a stile  and there I took out a little book and a pencil  and began to
write about a misfortune that befell me long ago  and a wish I had for
happy days to come  I was writing away very fast  though daylight was
fading from the leaf  when something came up the path and stopped two
yards off me   I looked at it   It was a little thing with a veil of
gossamer on its head   I beckoned it to come near me  it stood soon at my
knee   I never spoke to it  and it never spoke to me  in words  but I
read its eyes  and it read mine  and our speechless colloquy was to this
effect  

 It was a fairy  and come from Elf land  it said  and its errand was to
make me happy  I must go with it out of the common world to a lonely
place  such as the moon  for instance  and it nodded its head towards her
horn  rising over Hay hill  it told me of the alabaster cave and silver
vale where we might live   I said I should like to go  but reminded it 
as you did me  that I had no wings to fly 

  Oh   returned the fairy   that does not signify   Here is a talisman
will remove all difficulties   and she held out a pretty gold ring    Put
it   she said   on the fourth finger of my left hand  and I am yours  and
you are mine  and we shall leave earth  and make our own heaven yonder  
She nodded again at the moon   The ring  Adele  is in my breeches pocket 
under the disguise of a sovereign  but I mean soon to change it to a ring
again  

 But what has mademoiselle to do with it   I don t care for the fairy 
you said it was mademoiselle you would take to the moon  

 Mademoiselle is a fairy   he said  whispering mysteriously   Whereupon I
told her not to mind his badinage  and she  on her part  evinced a fund
of genuine French scepticism  denominating Mr  Rochester  un vrai
menteur   and assuring him that she made no account whatever of his
 contes de fee   and that  du reste  il n y avait pas de fees  et quand
meme il y en avait   she was sure they would never appear to him  nor
ever give him rings  or offer to live with him in the moon 

The hour spent at Millcote was a somewhat harassing one to me   Mr 
Rochester obliged me to go to a certain silk warehouse  there I was
ordered to choose half a dozen dresses   I hated the business  I begged
leave to defer it  no  it should be gone through with now   By dint of
entreaties expressed in energetic whispers  I reduced the half dozen to
two  these however  he vowed he would select himself   With anxiety I
watched his eye rove over the gay stores  he fixed on a rich silk of the
most brilliant amethyst dye  and a superb pink satin   I told him in a
new series of whispers  that he might as well buy me a gold gown and a
silver bonnet at once  I should certainly never venture to wear his
choice   With infinite difficulty  for he was stubborn as a stone  I
persuaded him to make an exchange in favour of a sober black satin and
pearl grey silk    It might pass for the present   he said   but he would
yet see me glittering like a parterre  

Glad was I to get him out of the silk warehouse  and then out of a
jewellers shop  the more he bought me  the more my cheek burned with a
sense of annoyance and degradation   As we re entered the carriage  and I
sat back feverish and fagged  I remembered what  in the hurry of events 
dark and bright  I had wholly forgotten  the letter of my uncle  John
Eyre  to Mrs  Reed  his intention to adopt me and make me his legatee 
 It would  indeed  be a relief   I thought   if I had ever so small an
independency  I never can bear being dressed like a doll by Mr 
Rochester  or sitting like a second Danae with the golden shower falling
daily round me   I will write to Madeira the moment I get home  and tell
my uncle John I am going to be married  and to whom  if I had but a
prospect of one day bringing Mr  Rochester an accession of fortune  I
could better endure to be kept by him now    And somewhat relieved by
this idea  which I failed not to execute that day   I ventured once more
to meet my master s and lover s eye  which most pertinaciously sought
mine  though I averted both face and gaze   He smiled  and I thought his
smile was such as a sultan might  in a blissful and fond moment  bestow
on a slave his gold and gems had enriched  I crushed his hand  which was
ever hunting mine  vigorously  and thrust it back to him red with the
passionate pressure 

 You need not look in that way   I said   if you do  I ll wear nothing
but my old Lowood frocks to the end of the chapter   I ll be married in
this lilac gingham  you may make a dressing gown for yourself out of the
pearl grey silk  and an infinite series of waistcoats out of the black
satin  

He chuckled  he rubbed his hands    Oh  it is rich to see and hear her  
he exclaimed    Is she original   Is she piquant   I would not exchange
this one little English girl for the Grand Turk s whole seraglio  gazelle 
eyes  houri forms  and all  

The Eastern allusion bit me again    I ll not stand you an inch in the
stead of a seraglio   I said   so don t consider me an equivalent for
one   If you have a fancy for anything in that line  away with you  sir 
to the bazaars of Stamboul without delay  and lay out in extensive slave 
purchases some of that spare cash you seem at a loss to spend
satisfactorily here  

 And what will you do  Janet  while I am bargaining for so many tons of
flesh and such an assortment of black eyes  

 I ll be preparing myself to go out as a missionary to preach liberty to
them that are enslaved  your harem inmates amongst the rest   I ll get
admitted there  and I ll stir up mutiny  and you  three tailed bashaw as
you are  sir  shall in a trice find yourself fettered amongst our hands 
nor will I  for one  consent to cut your bonds till you have signed a
charter  the most liberal that despot ever yet conferred  

 I would consent to be at your mercy  Jane  

 I would have no mercy  Mr  Rochester  if you supplicated for it with an
eye like that   While you looked so  I should be certain that whatever
charter you might grant under coercion  your first act  when released 
would be to violate its conditions  

 Why  Jane  what would you have   I fear you will compel me to go through
a private marriage ceremony  besides that performed at the altar   You
will stipulate  I see  for peculiar terms  what will they be  

 I only want an easy mind  sir  not crushed by crowded obligations   Do
you remember what you said of Celine Varens   of the diamonds  the
cashmeres you gave her   I will not be your English Celine Varens   I
shall continue to act as Adele s governess  by that I shall earn my board
and lodging  and thirty pounds a year besides   I ll furnish my own
wardrobe out of that money  and you shall give me nothing but   

 Well  but what  

 Your regard  and if I give you mine in return  that debt will be quit  

 Well  for cool native impudence and pure innate pride  you haven t your
equal   said he   We were now approaching Thornfield    Will it please
you to dine with me to day   he asked  as we re entered the gates 

 No  thank you  sir  

 And what for   no  thank you   if one may inquire  

 I never have dined with you  sir  and I see no reason why I should now 
till   

 Till what   You delight in half phrases  

 Till I can t help it  

 Do you suppose I eat like an ogre or a ghoul  that you dread being the
companion of my repast  

 I have formed no supposition on the subject  sir  but I want to go on as
usual for another month  

 You will give up your governessing slavery at once  

 Indeed  begging your pardon  sir  I shall not   I shall just go on with
it as usual   I shall keep out of your way all day  as I have been
accustomed to do  you may send for me in the evening  when you feel
disposed to see me  and I ll come then  but at no other time  

 I want a smoke  Jane  or a pinch of snuff  to comfort me under all this 
 pour me donner une contenance   as Adele would say  and unfortunately I
have neither my cigar case  nor my snuff box   But listen  whisper   It
is your time now  little tyrant  but it will be mine presently  and when
once I have fairly seized you  to have and to hold  I ll
just  figuratively speaking  attach you to a chain like this   touching
his watch guard     Yes  bonny wee thing  I ll wear you in my bosom  lest
my jewel I should tyne  

He said this as he helped me to alight from the carriage  and while he
afterwards lifted out Adele  I entered the house  and made good my
retreat upstairs 

He duly summoned me to his presence in the evening   I had prepared an
occupation for him  for I was determined not to spend the whole time in a
 tete a tete  conversation   I remembered his fine voice  I knew he liked
to sing  good singers generally do   I was no vocalist myself  and  in
his fastidious judgment  no musician  either  but I delighted in
listening when the performance was good   No sooner had twilight  that
hour of romance  began to lower her blue and starry banner over the
lattice  than I rose  opened the piano  and entreated him  for the love
of heaven  to give me a song   He said I was a capricious witch  and that
he would rather sing another time  but I averred that no time was like
the present 

 Did I like his voice   he asked 

 Very much    I was not fond of pampering that susceptible vanity of his 
but for once  and from motives of expediency  I would e en soothe and
stimulate it 

 Then  Jane  you must play the accompaniment  

 Very well  sir  I will try  

I did try  but was presently swept off the stool and denominated  a
little bungler    Being pushed unceremoniously to one side  which was
precisely what I wished  he usurped my place  and proceeded to accompany
himself  for he could play as well as sing   I hied me to the
window recess   And while I sat there and looked out on the still trees
and dim lawn  to a sweet air was sung in mellow tones the following
strain   

    The truest love that ever heart
      Felt at its kindled core 
   Did through each vein  in quickened start 
      The tide of being pour 

   Her coming was my hope each day 
      Her parting was my pain 
   The chance that did her steps delay
      Was ice in every vein 

   I dreamed it would be nameless bliss 
      As I loved  loved to be 
   And to this object did I press
      As blind as eagerly 

   But wide as pathless was the space
      That lay our lives between 
   And dangerous as the foamy race
      Of ocean surges green 

   And haunted as a robber path
      Through wilderness or wood 
   For Might and Right  and Woe and Wrath 
      Between our spirits stood 

   I dangers dared  I hindrance scorned 
      I omens did defy 
   Whatever menaced  harassed  warned 
      I passed impetuous by 

   On sped my rainbow  fast as light 
      I flew as in a dream 
   For glorious rose upon my sight
      That child of Shower and Gleam 

   Still bright on clouds of suffering dim
      Shines that soft  solemn joy 
   Nor care I now  how dense and grim
      Disasters gather nigh 

   I care not in this moment sweet 
      Though all I have rushed o er
   Should come on pinion  strong and fleet 
      Proclaiming vengeance sore 

   Though haughty Hate should strike me down 
      Right  bar approach to me 
   And grinding Might  with furious frown 
      Swear endless enmity 

   My love has placed her little hand
      With noble faith in mine 
   And vowed that wedlock s sacred band
      Our nature shall entwine 

   My love has sworn  with sealing kiss 
      With me to live  to die 
   I have at last my nameless bliss 
      As I love  loved am I  

He rose and came towards me  and I saw his face all kindled  and his full
falcon eye flashing  and tenderness and passion in every lineament   I
quailed momentarily  then I rallied   Soft scene  daring demonstration  I
would not have  and I stood in peril of both  a weapon of defence must be
prepared  I whetted my tongue  as he reached me  I asked with asperity 
 whom he was going to marry now  

 That was a strange question to be put by his darling Jane  

 Indeed   I considered it a very natural and necessary one  he had talked
of his future wife dying with him   What did he mean by such a pagan
idea    I  had no intention of dying with him  he might depend on that  

 Oh  all he longed  all he prayed for  was that I might live with him 
Death was not for such as I  

 Indeed it was  I had as good a right to die when my time came as he had 
but I should bide that time  and not be hurried away in a suttee  

 Would I forgive him for the selfish idea  and prove my pardon by a
reconciling kiss  

 No  I would rather be excused  

Here I heard myself apostrophised as a  hard little thing   and it was
added   any other woman would have been melted to marrow at hearing such
stanzas crooned in her praise  

I assured him I was naturally hard  very flinty  and that he would often
find me so  and that  moreover  I was determined to show him divers
rugged points in my character before the ensuing four weeks elapsed  he
should know fully what sort of a bargain he had made  while there was yet
time to rescind it 

 Would I be quiet and talk rationally  

 I would be quiet if he liked  and as to talking rationally  I flattered
myself I was doing that now  

He fretted  pished  and pshawed    Very good   I thought   you may fume
and fidget as you please  but this is the best plan to pursue with you  I
am certain   I like you more than I can say  but I ll not sink into a
bathos of sentiment  and with this needle of repartee I ll keep you from
the edge of the gulf too  and  moreover  maintain by its pungent aid that
distance between you and myself most conducive to our real mutual
advantage  

From less to more  I worked him up to considerable irritation  then 
after he had retired  in dudgeon  quite to the other end of the room  I
got up  and saying   I wish you good night  sir   in my natural and
wonted respectful manner  I slipped out by the side door and got away 

The system thus entered on  I pursued during the whole season of
probation  and with the best success   He was kept  to be sure  rather
cross and crusty  but on the whole I could see he was excellently
entertained  and that a lamb like submission and turtle dove sensibility 
while fostering his despotism more  would have pleased his judgment 
satisfied his common sense  and even suited his taste less 

In other people s presence I was  as formerly  deferential and quiet  any
other line of conduct being uncalled for  it was only in the evening
conferences I thus thwarted and afflicted him   He continued to send for
me punctually the moment the clock struck seven  though when I appeared
before him now  he had no such honeyed terms as  love  and  darling  on
his lips  the best words at my service were  provoking puppet  
 malicious elf    sprite    changeling    c   For caresses  too  I now
got grimaces  for a pressure of the hand  a pinch on the arm  for a kiss
on the cheek  a severe tweak of the ear   It was all right  at present I
decidedly preferred these fierce favours to anything more tender   Mrs 
Fairfax  I saw  approved me  her anxiety on my account vanished 
therefore I was certain I did well   Meantime  Mr  Rochester affirmed I
was wearing him to skin and bone  and threatened awful vengeance for my
present conduct at some period fast coming   I laughed in my sleeve at
his menaces    I can keep you in reasonable check now   I reflected   and
I don t doubt to be able to do it hereafter  if one expedient loses its
virtue  another must be devised  

Yet after all my task was not an easy one  often I would rather have
pleased than teased him   My future husband was becoming to me my whole
world  and more than the world  almost my hope of heaven   He stood
between me and every thought of religion  as an eclipse intervenes
between man and the broad sun   I could not  in those days  see God for
His creature  of whom I had made an idol 




CHAPTER XXV


The month of courtship had wasted  its very last hours were being
numbered   There was no putting off the day that advanced  the bridal
day  and all preparations for its arrival were complete    I   at least 
had nothing more to do  there were my trunks  packed  locked  corded 
ranged in a row along the wall of my little chamber  to morrow  at this
time  they would be far on their road to London  and so should I
 D V     or rather  not I  but one Jane Rochester  a person whom as yet I
knew not   The cards of address alone remained to nail on  they lay  four
little squares  in the drawer   Mr  Rochester had himself written the
direction   Mrs  Rochester      Hotel  London   on each  I could not
persuade myself to affix them  or to have them affixed   Mrs  Rochester 
She did not exist  she would not be born till to morrow  some time after
eight o clock a m   and I would wait to be assured she had come into the
world alive before I assigned to her all that property   It was enough
that in yonder closet  opposite my dressing table  garments said to be
hers had already displaced my black stuff Lowood frock and straw bonnet 
for not to me appertained that suit of wedding raiment  the
pearl coloured robe  the vapoury veil pendent from the usurped
portmanteau   I shut the closet to conceal the strange  wraith like
apparel it contained  which  at this evening hour  nine o clock  gave out
certainly a most ghostly shimmer through the shadow of my apartment    I
will leave you by yourself  white dream   I said    I am feverish  I hear
the wind blowing  I will go out of doors and feel it  

It was not only the hurry of preparation that made me feverish  not only
the anticipation of the great change  the new life which was to commence
to morrow  both these circumstances had their share  doubtless  in
producing that restless  excited mood which hurried me forth at this late
hour into the darkening grounds  but a third cause influenced my mind
more than they 

I had at heart a strange and anxious thought   Something had happened
which I could not comprehend  no one knew of or had seen the event but
myself  it had taken place the preceding night   Mr  Rochester that night
was absent from home  nor was he yet returned  business had called him to
a small estate of two or three farms he possessed thirty miles
off  business it was requisite he should settle in person  previous to
his meditated departure from England   I waited now his return  eager to
disburthen my mind  and to seek of him the solution of the enigma that
perplexed me   Stay till he comes  reader  and  when I disclose my secret
to him  you shall share the confidence 

I sought the orchard  driven to its shelter by the wind  which all day
had blown strong and full from the south  without  however  bringing a
speck of rain   Instead of subsiding as night drew on  it seemed to
augment its rush and deepen its roar  the trees blew steadfastly one way 
never writhing round  and scarcely tossing back their boughs once in an
hour  so continuous was the strain bending their branchy heads
northward  the clouds drifted from pole to pole  fast following  mass on
mass  no glimpse of blue sky had been visible that July day 

It was not without a certain wild pleasure I ran before the wind 
delivering my trouble of mind to the measureless air torrent thundering
through space   Descending the laurel walk  I faced the wreck of the
chestnut tree  it stood up black and riven  the trunk  split down the
centre  gasped ghastly   The cloven halves were not broken from each
other  for the firm base and strong roots kept them unsundered below 
though community of vitality was destroyed  the sap could flow no more 
their great boughs on each side were dead  and next winter s tempests
would be sure to fell one or both to earth  as yet  however  they might
be said to form one tree  a ruin  but an entire ruin 

 You did right to hold fast to each other   I said  as if the monster 
splinters were living things  and could hear me    I think  scathed as
you look  and charred and scorched  there must be a little sense of life
in you yet  rising out of that adhesion at the faithful  honest roots 
you will never have green leaves more  never more see birds making nests
and singing idyls in your boughs  the time of pleasure and love is over
with you  but you are not desolate  each of you has a comrade to
sympathise with him in his decay    As I looked up at them  the moon
appeared momentarily in that part of the sky which filled their fissure 
her disk was blood red and half overcast  she seemed to throw on me one
bewildered  dreary glance  and buried herself again instantly in the deep
drift of cloud   The wind fell  for a second  round Thornfield  but far
away over wood and water  poured a wild  melancholy wail  it was sad to
listen to  and I ran off again 

Here and there I strayed through the orchard  gathered up the apples with
which the grass round the tree roots was thickly strewn  then I employed
myself in dividing the ripe from the unripe  I carried them into the
house and put them away in the store room   Then I repaired to the
library to ascertain whether the fire was lit  for  though summer  I knew
on such a gloomy evening Mr  Rochester would like to see a cheerful
hearth when he came in  yes  the fire had been kindled some time  and
burnt well   I placed his arm chair by the chimney corner  I wheeled the
table near it  I let down the curtain  and had the candles brought in
ready for lighting   More restless than ever  when I had completed these
arrangements I could not sit still  nor even remain in the house  a
little time piece in the room and the old clock in the hall
simultaneously struck ten 

 How late it grows   I said    I will run down to the gates  it is
moonlight at intervals  I can see a good way on the road   He may be
coming now  and to meet him will save some minutes of suspense  

The wind roared high in the great trees which embowered the gates  but
the road as far as I could see  to the right hand and the left  was all
still and solitary  save for the shadows of clouds crossing it at
intervals as the moon looked out  it was but a long pale line  unvaried
by one moving speck 

A puerile tear dimmed my eye while I looked  a tear of disappointment and
impatience  ashamed of it  I wiped it away   I lingered  the moon shut
herself wholly within her chamber  and drew close her curtain of dense
cloud  the night grew dark  rain came driving fast on the gale 

 I wish he would come   I wish he would come   I exclaimed  seized with
hypochondriac foreboding   I had expected his arrival before tea  now it
was dark  what could keep him   Had an accident happened   The event of
last night again recurred to me   I interpreted it as a warning of
disaster   I feared my hopes were too bright to be realised  and I had
enjoyed so much bliss lately that I imagined my fortune had passed its
meridian  and must now decline 

 Well  I cannot return to the house   I thought   I cannot sit by the
fireside  while he is abroad in inclement weather  better tire my limbs
than strain my heart  I will go forward and meet him  

I set out  I walked fast  but not far  ere I had measured a quarter of a
mile  I heard the tramp of hoofs  a horseman came on  full gallop  a dog
ran by his side   Away with evil presentiment   It was he  here he was 
mounted on Mesrour  followed by Pilot   He saw me  for the moon had
opened a blue field in the sky  and rode in it watery bright  he took his
hat off  and waved it round his head   I now ran to meet him 

 There   he exclaimed  as he stretched out his hand and bent from the
saddle   You can t do without me  that is evident   Step on my boot toe 
give me both hands  mount  

I obeyed  joy made me agile  I sprang up before him   A hearty kissing I
got for a welcome  and some boastful triumph  which I swallowed as well
as I could   He checked himself in his exultation to demand   But is
there anything the matter  Janet  that you come to meet me at such an
hour   Is there anything wrong  

 No  but I thought you would never come   I could not bear to wait in the
house for you  especially with this rain and wind  

 Rain and wind  indeed   Yes  you are dripping like a mermaid  pull my
cloak round you  but I think you are feverish  Jane  both your cheek and
hand are burning hot   I ask again  is there anything the matter  

 Nothing now  I am neither afraid nor unhappy  

 Then you have been both  

 Rather  but I ll tell you all about it by and bye  sir  and I daresay
you will only laugh at me for my pains  

 I ll laugh at you heartily when to morrow is past  till then I dare not 
my prize is not certain   This is you  who have been as slippery as an
eel this last month  and as thorny as a briar rose   I could not lay a
finger anywhere but I was pricked  and now I seem to have gathered up a
stray lamb in my arms   You wandered out of the fold to seek your
shepherd  did you  Jane  

 I wanted you  but don t boast   Here we are at Thornfield  now let me
get down  

He landed me on the pavement   As John took his horse  and he followed me
into the hall  he told me to make haste and put something dry on  and
then return to him in the library  and he stopped me  as I made for the
staircase  to extort a promise that I would not be long  nor was I long 
in five minutes I rejoined him   I found him at supper 

 Take a seat and bear me company  Jane  please God  it is the last meal
but one you will eat at Thornfield Hall for a long time  

I sat down near him  but told him I could not eat    Is it because you
have the prospect of a journey before you  Jane   Is it the thoughts of
going to London that takes away your appetite  

 I cannot see my prospects clearly to night  sir  and I hardly know what
thoughts I have in my head   Everything in life seems unreal  

 Except me  I am substantial enough  touch me  

 You  sir  are the most phantom like of all  you are a mere dream  

He held out his hand  laughing    Is that a dream   said he  placing it
close to my eyes   He had a rounded  muscular  and vigorous hand  as well
as a long  strong arm 

 Yes  though I touch it  it is a dream   said I  as I put it down from
before my face    Sir  have you finished supper  

 Yes  Jane  

I rang the bell and ordered away the tray   When we were again alone  I
stirred the fire  and then took a low seat at my master s knee 

 It is near midnight   I said 

 Yes  but remember  Jane  you promised to wake with me the night before
my wedding  

 I did  and I will keep my promise  for an hour or two at least  I have
no wish to go to bed  

 Are all your arrangements complete  

 All  sir  

 And on my part likewise   he returned   I have settled everything  and
we shall leave Thornfield to morrow  within half an hour after our return
from church  

 Very well  sir  

 With what an extraordinary smile you uttered that word   very well  
Jane   What a bright spot of colour you have on each cheek  and how
strangely your eyes glitter   Are you well  

 I believe I am  

 Believe   What is the matter   Tell me what you feel  

 I could not  sir  no words could tell you what I feel   I wish this
present hour would never end  who knows with what fate the next may come
charged  

 This is hypochondria  Jane   You have been over excited  or
over fatigued  

 Do you  sir  feel calm and happy  

 Calm   no  but happy  to the heart s core  

I looked up at him to read the signs of bliss in his face  it was ardent
and flushed 

 Give me your confidence  Jane   he said   relieve your mind of any
weight that oppresses it  by imparting it to me   What do you fear   that
I shall not prove a good husband  

 It is the idea farthest from my thoughts  

 Are you apprehensive of the new sphere you are about to enter   of the
new life into which you are passing  

 No  

 You puzzle me  Jane  your look and tone of sorrowful audacity perplex
and pain me   I want an explanation  

 Then  sir  listen   You were from home last night  

 I was  I know that  and you hinted a while ago at something which had
happened in my absence   nothing  probably  of consequence  but  in
short  it has disturbed you   Let me hear it   Mrs  Fairfax has said
something  perhaps  or you have overheard the servants talk   your
sensitive self respect has been wounded  

 No  sir    It struck twelve  I waited till the time piece had concluded
its silver chime  and the clock its hoarse  vibrating stroke  and then I
proceeded 

 All day yesterday I was very busy  and very happy in my ceaseless
bustle  for I am not  as you seem to think  troubled by any haunting
fears about the new sphere  et cetera  I think it a glorious thing to
have the hope of living with you  because I love you   No  sir  don t
caress me now  let me talk undisturbed   Yesterday I trusted well in
Providence  and believed that events were working together for your good
and mine  it was a fine day  if you recollect  the calmness of the air
and sky forbade apprehensions respecting your safety or comfort on your
journey   I walked a little while on the pavement after tea  thinking of
you  and I beheld you in imagination so near me  I scarcely missed your
actual presence   I thought of the life that lay before me   your  life 
sir  an existence more expansive and stirring than my own  as much more
so as the depths of the sea to which the brook runs are than the shallows
of its own strait channel   I wondered why moralists call this world a
dreary wilderness  for me it blossomed like a rose   Just at sunset  the
air turned cold and the sky cloudy  I went in  Sophie called me upstairs
to look at my wedding dress  which they had just brought  and under it in
the box I found your present  the veil which  in your princely
extravagance  you sent for from London  resolved  I suppose  since I
would not have jewels  to cheat me into accepting something as costly   I
smiled as I unfolded it  and devised how I would tease you about your
aristocratic tastes  and your efforts to masque your plebeian bride in
the attributes of a peeress   I thought how I would carry down to you the
square of unembroidered blond I had myself prepared as a covering for my
low born head  and ask if that was not good enough for a woman who could
bring her husband neither fortune  beauty  nor connections   I saw
plainly how you would look  and heard your impetuous republican answers 
and your haughty disavowal of any necessity on your part to augment your
wealth  or elevate your standing  by marrying either a purse or a
coronet  

 How well you read me  you witch   interposed Mr  Rochester   but what
did you find in the veil besides its embroidery   Did you find poison  or
a dagger  that you look so mournful now  

 No  no  sir  besides the delicacy and richness of the fabric  I found
nothing save Fairfax Rochester s pride  and that did not scare me 
because I am used to the sight of the demon   But  sir  as it grew dark 
the wind rose  it blew yesterday evening  not as it blows now  wild and
high  but  with a sullen  moaning sound  far more eerie   I wished you
were at home   I came into this room  and the sight of the empty chair
and fireless hearth chilled me   For some time after I went to bed  I
could not sleep  a sense of anxious excitement distressed me   The gale
still rising  seemed to my ear to muffle a mournful under sound  whether
in the house or abroad I could not at first tell  but it recurred 
doubtful yet doleful at every lull  at last I made out it must be some
dog howling at a distance   I was glad when it ceased   On sleeping  I
continued in dreams the idea of a dark and gusty night   I continued also
the wish to be with you  and experienced a strange  regretful
consciousness of some barrier dividing us   During all my first sleep  I
was following the windings of an unknown road  total obscurity environed
me  rain pelted me  I was burdened with the charge of a little child  a
very small creature  too young and feeble to walk  and which shivered in
my cold arms  and wailed piteously in my ear   I thought  sir  that you
were on the road a long way before me  and I strained every nerve to
overtake you  and made effort on effort to utter your name and entreat
you to stop  but my movements were fettered  and my voice still died away
inarticulate  while you  I felt  withdrew farther and farther every
moment  

 And these dreams weigh on your spirits now  Jane  when I am close to
you   Little nervous subject   Forget visionary woe  and think only of
real happiness   You say you love me  Janet  yes  I will not forget that 
and you cannot deny it    Those  words did not die inarticulate on your
lips   I heard them clear and soft  a thought too solemn perhaps  but
sweet as music   I think it is a glorious thing to have the hope of
living with you  Edward  because I love you    Do you love me 
Jane   repeat it  

 I do  sir  I do  with my whole heart  

 Well   he said  after some minutes  silence   it is strange  but that
sentence has penetrated my breast painfully   Why   I think because you
said it with such an earnest  religious energy  and because your upward
gaze at me now is the very sublime of faith  truth  and devotion  it is
too much as if some spirit were near me   Look wicked  Jane  as you know
well how to look  coin one of your wild  shy  provoking smiles  tell me
you hate me  tease me  vex me  do anything but move me  I would rather be
incensed than saddened  

 I will tease you and vex you to your heart s content  when I have
finished my tale  but hear me to the end  

 I thought  Jane  you had told me all   I thought I had found the source
of your melancholy in a dream  

I shook my head    What  is there more   But I will not believe it to be
anything important   I warn you of incredulity beforehand   Go on  

The disquietude of his air  the somewhat apprehensive impatience of his
manner  surprised me  but I proceeded 

 I dreamt another dream  sir  that Thornfield Hall was a dreary ruin  the
retreat of bats and owls   I thought that of all the stately front
nothing remained but a shell like wall  very high and very
fragile looking   I wandered  on a moonlight night  through the grass 
grown enclosure within  here I stumbled over a marble hearth  and there
over a fallen fragment of cornice   Wrapped up in a shawl  I still
carried the unknown little child  I might not lay it down anywhere 
however tired were my arms  however much its weight impeded my progress 
I must retain it   I heard the gallop of a horse at a distance on the
road  I was sure it was you  and you were departing for many years and
for a distant country   I climbed the thin wall with frantic perilous
haste  eager to catch one glimpse of you from the top  the stones rolled
from under my feet  the ivy branches I grasped gave way  the child clung
round my neck in terror  and almost strangled me  at last I gained the
summit   I saw you like a speck on a white track  lessening every moment 
The blast blew so strong I could not stand   I sat down on the narrow
ledge  I hushed the scared infant in my lap  you turned an angle of the
road  I bent forward to take a last look  the wall crumbled  I was
shaken  the child rolled from my knee  I lost my balance  fell  and
woke  

 Now  Jane  that is all  

 All the preface  sir  the tale is yet to come   On waking  a gleam
dazzled my eyes  I thought  Oh  it is daylight   But I was mistaken  it
was only candlelight   Sophie  I supposed  had come in   There was a
light in the dressing table  and the door of the closet  where  before
going to bed  I had hung my wedding dress and veil  stood open  I heard a
rustling there   I asked   Sophie  what are you doing    No one answered 
but a form emerged from the closet  it took the light  held it aloft  and
surveyed the garments pendent from the portmanteau    Sophie   Sophie    I
again cried  and still it was silent   I had risen up in bed  I bent
forward  first surprise  then bewilderment  came over me  and then my
blood crept cold through my veins   Mr  Rochester  this was not Sophie 
it was not Leah  it was not Mrs  Fairfax  it was not  no  I was sure of
it  and am still  it was not even that strange woman  Grace Poole  

 It must have been one of them   interrupted my master 

 No  sir  I solemnly assure you to the contrary   The shape standing
before me had never crossed my eyes within the precincts of Thornfield
Hall before  the height  the contour were new to me  

 Describe it  Jane  

 It seemed  sir  a woman  tall and large  with thick and dark hair
hanging long down her back   I know not what dress she had on  it was
white and straight  but whether gown  sheet  or shroud  I cannot tell  

 Did you see her face  

 Not at first   But presently she took my veil from its place  she held
it up  gazed at it long  and then she threw it over her own head  and
turned to the mirror   At that moment I saw the reflection of the visage
and features quite distinctly in the dark oblong glass  

 And how were they  

 Fearful and ghastly to me  oh  sir  I never saw a face like it   It was
a discoloured face  it was a savage face   I wish I could forget the roll
of the red eyes and the fearful blackened inflation of the lineaments  

 Ghosts are usually pale  Jane  

 This  sir  was purple  the lips were swelled and dark  the brow
furrowed  the black eyebrows widely raised over the bloodshot eyes   Shall
I tell you of what it reminded me  

 You may  

 Of the foul German spectre  the Vampyre  

 Ah   what did it do  

 Sir  it removed my veil from its gaunt head  rent it in two parts  and
flinging both on the floor  trampled on them  

 It removed my veil from its gaunt head  rent it in two parts  and
flinging both on the floor  trampled on them  p272 jpg 

 Afterwards  

 It drew aside the window curtain and looked out  perhaps it saw dawn
approaching  for  taking the candle  it retreated to the door   Just at
my bedside  the figure stopped  the fiery eyes glared upon me  she thrust
up her candle close to my face  and extinguished it under my eyes   I was
aware her lurid visage flamed over mine  and I lost consciousness  for
the second time in my life  only the second time  I became insensible
from terror  

 Who was with you when you revived  

 No one  sir  but the broad day   I rose  bathed my head and face in
water  drank a long draught  felt that though enfeebled I was not ill 
and determined that to none but you would I impart this vision   Now 
sir  tell me who and what that woman was  

 The creature of an over stimulated brain  that is certain   I must be
careful of you  my treasure  nerves like yours were not made for rough
handling  

 Sir  depend on it  my nerves were not in fault  the thing was real  the
transaction actually took place  

 And your previous dreams  were they real too   Is Thornfield Hall a
ruin   Am I severed from you by insuperable obstacles   Am I leaving you
without a tear  without a kiss  without a word  

 Not yet  

 Am I about to do it   Why  the day is already commenced which is to bind
us indissolubly  and when we are once united  there shall be no
recurrence of these mental terrors  I guarantee that  

 Mental terrors  sir   I wish I could believe them to be only such  I
wish it more now than ever  since even you cannot explain to me the
mystery of that awful visitant  

 And since I cannot do it  Jane  it must have been unreal  

 But  sir  when I said so to myself on rising this morning  and when I
looked round the room to gather courage and comfort from the cheerful
aspect of each familiar object in full daylight  there  on the carpet  I
saw what gave the distinct lie to my hypothesis   the veil  torn from top
to bottom in two halves  

I felt Mr  Rochester start and shudder  he hastily flung his arms round
me    Thank God   he exclaimed   that if anything malignant did come near
you last night  it was only the veil that was harmed   Oh  to think what
might have happened  

He drew his breath short  and strained me so close to him  I could
scarcely pant   After some minutes  silence  he continued  cheerily  

 Now  Janet  I ll explain to you all about it   It was half dream  half
reality   A woman did  I doubt not  enter your room  and that woman
was  must have been  Grace Poole   You call her a strange being yourself 
from all you know  you have reason so to call her  what did she do to me 
what to Mason   In a state between sleeping and waking  you noticed her
entrance and her actions  but feverish  almost delirious as you were  you
ascribed to her a goblin appearance different from her own  the long
dishevelled hair  the swelled black face  the exaggerated stature  were
figments of imagination  results of nightmare  the spiteful tearing of
the veil was real  and it is like her   I see you would ask why I keep
such a woman in my house  when we have been married a year and a day  I
will tell you  but not now   Are you satisfied  Jane   Do you accept my
solution of the mystery  

I reflected  and in truth it appeared to me the only possible one 
satisfied I was not  but to please him I endeavoured to appear
so  relieved  I certainly did feel  so I answered him with a contented
smile   And now  as it was long past one  I prepared to leave him 

 Does not Sophie sleep with Adele in the nursery   he asked  as I lit my
candle 

 Yes  sir  

 And there is room enough in Adele s little bed for you   You must share
it with her to night  Jane  it is no wonder that the incident you have
related should make you nervous  and I would rather you did not sleep
alone  promise me to go to the nursery  

 I shall be very glad to do so  sir  

 And fasten the door securely on the inside   Wake Sophie when you go
upstairs  under pretence of requesting her to rouse you in good time to 
morrow  for you must be dressed and have finished breakfast before eight 
And now  no more sombre thoughts  chase dull care away  Janet   Don t you
hear to what soft whispers the wind has fallen  and there is no more
beating of rain against the window panes  look here   he lifted up the
curtain    it is a lovely night  

It was   Half heaven was pure and stainless  the clouds  now trooping
before the wind  which had shifted to the west  were filing off eastward
in long  silvered columns   The moon shone peacefully 

 Well   said Mr  Rochester  gazing inquiringly into my eyes   how is my
Janet now  

 The night is serene  sir  and so am I  

 And you will not dream of separation and sorrow to night  but of happy
love and blissful union  

This prediction was but half fulfilled  I did not indeed dream of sorrow 
but as little did I dream of joy  for I never slept at all   With little
Adele in my arms  I watched the slumber of childhood  so tranquil  so
passionless  so innocent  and waited for the coming day  all my life was
awake and astir in my frame  and as soon as the sun rose I rose too   I
remember Adele clung to me as I left her  I remember I kissed her as I
loosened her little hands from my neck  and I cried over her with strange
emotion  and quitted her because I feared my sobs would break her still
sound repose   She seemed the emblem of my past life  and here I was now
to array myself to meet  the dread  but adored  type of my unknown future
day 




CHAPTER XXVI


Sophie came at seven to dress me  she was very long indeed in
accomplishing her task  so long that Mr  Rochester  grown  I suppose 
impatient of my delay  sent up to ask why I did not come   She was just
fastening my veil  the plain square of blond after all  to my hair with a
brooch  I hurried from under her hands as soon as I could 

 Stop   she cried in French    Look at yourself in the mirror  you have
not taken one peep  

So I turned at the door  I saw a robed and veiled figure  so unlike my
usual self that it seemed almost the image of a stranger    Jane   called
a voice  and I hastened down   I was received at the foot of the stairs
by Mr  Rochester 

 Lingerer   he said   my brain is on fire with impatience  and you tarry
so long  

He took me into the dining room  surveyed me keenly all over  pronounced
me  fair as a lily  and not only the pride of his life  but the desire of
his eyes   and then telling me he would give me but ten minutes to eat
some breakfast  he rang the bell   One of his lately hired servants  a
footman  answered it 

 Is John getting the carriage ready  

 Yes  sir  

 Is the luggage brought down  

 They are bringing it down  sir  

 Go you to the church  see if Mr  Wood  the clergyman  and the clerk are
there  return and tell me  

The church  as the reader knows  was but just beyond the gates  the
footman soon returned 

 Mr  Wood is in the vestry  sir  putting on his surplice  

 And the carriage  

 The horses are harnessing  

 We shall not want it to go to church  but it must be ready the moment we
return  all the boxes and luggage arranged and strapped on  and the
coachman in his seat  

 Yes  sir  

 Jane  are you ready  

I rose   There were no groomsmen  no bridesmaids  no relatives to wait
for or marshal  none but Mr  Rochester and I   Mrs  Fairfax stood in the
hall as we passed    I would fain have spoken to her  but my hand was
held by a grasp of iron  I was hurried along by a stride I could hardly
follow  and to look at Mr  Rochester s face was to feel that not a second
of delay would be tolerated for any purpose   I wonder what other
bridegroom ever looked as he did  so bent up to a purpose  so grimly
resolute  or who  under such steadfast brows  ever revealed such flaming
and flashing eyes 

I know not whether the day was fair or foul  in descending the drive  I
gazed neither on sky nor earth  my heart was with my eyes  and both
seemed migrated into Mr  Rochester s frame   I wanted to see the
invisible thing on which  as we went along  he appeared to fasten a
glance fierce and fell   I wanted to feel the thoughts whose force he
seemed breasting and resisting 

At the churchyard wicket he stopped  he discovered I was quite out of
breath    Am I cruel in my love   he said    Delay an instant  lean on
me  Jane  

And now I can recall the picture of the grey old house of God rising calm
before me  of a rook wheeling round the steeple  of a ruddy morning sky
beyond   I remember something  too  of the green grave mounds  and I have
not forgotten  either  two figures of strangers straying amongst the low
hillocks and reading the mementoes graven on the few mossy head stones   I
noticed them  because  as they saw us  they passed round to the back of
the church  and I doubted not they were going to enter by the side aisle
door and witness the ceremony   By Mr  Rochester they were not observed 
he was earnestly looking at my face from which the blood had  I daresay 
momentarily fled  for I felt my forehead dewy  and my cheeks and lips
cold   When I rallied  which I soon did  he walked gently with me up the
path to the porch 

We entered the quiet and humble temple  the priest waited in his white
surplice at the lowly altar  the clerk beside him   All was still  two
shadows only moved in a remote corner   My conjecture had been correct 
the strangers had slipped in before us  and they now stood by the vault
of the Rochesters  their backs towards us  viewing through the rails the
old time stained marble tomb  where a kneeling angel guarded the remains
of Damer de Rochester  slain at Marston Moor in the time of the civil
wars  and of Elizabeth  his wife 

Our place was taken at the communion rails   Hearing a cautious step
behind me  I glanced over my shoulder  one of the strangers  a gentleman 
evidently  was advancing up the chancel   The service began   The
explanation of the intent of matrimony was gone through  and then the
clergyman came a step further forward  and  bending slightly towards Mr 
Rochester  went on 

 I require and charge you both  as ye will answer at the dreadful day of
judgment  when the secrets of all hearts shall be disclosed   that if
either of you know any impediment why ye may not lawfully be joined
together in matrimony  ye do now confess it  for be ye well assured that
so many as are coupled together otherwise than God s Word doth allow  are
not joined together by God  neither is their matrimony lawful  

He paused  as the custom is   When is the pause after that sentence ever
broken by reply   Not  perhaps  once in a hundred years   And the
clergyman  who had not lifted his eyes from his book  and had held his
breath but for a moment  was proceeding  his hand was already stretched
towards Mr  Rochester  as his lips unclosed to ask   Wilt thou have this
woman for thy wedded wife    when a distinct and near voice said  

 The marriage cannot go on  I declare the existence of an impediment  

The clergyman looked up at the speaker and stood mute  the clerk did the
same  Mr  Rochester moved slightly  as if an earthquake had rolled under
his feet  taking a firmer footing  and not turning his head or eyes  he
said   Proceed  

Profound silence fell when he had uttered that word  with deep but low
intonation   Presently Mr  Wood said  

 I cannot proceed without some investigation into what has been asserted 
and evidence of its truth or falsehood  

 The ceremony is quite broken off   subjoined the voice behind us    I am
in a condition to prove my allegation  an insuperable impediment to this
marriage exists  

Mr  Rochester heard  but heeded not  he stood stubborn and rigid  making
no movement but to possess himself of my hand   What a hot and strong
grasp he had  and how like quarried marble was his pale  firm  massive
front at this moment   How his eye shone  still watchful  and yet wild
beneath 

Mr  Wood seemed at a loss    What is the nature of the impediment   he
asked    Perhaps it may be got over  explained away  

 Hardly   was the answer    I have called it insuperable  and I speak
advisedly  

The speaker came forward and leaned on the rails   He continued  uttering
each word distinctly  calmly  steadily  but not loudly  

 It simply consists in the existence of a previous marriage   Mr 
Rochester has a wife now living  

My nerves vibrated to those low spoken words as they had never vibrated
to thunder  my blood felt their subtle violence as it had never felt
frost or fire  but I was collected  and in no danger of swooning   I
looked at Mr  Rochester  I made him look at me   His whole face was
colourless rock  his eye was both spark and flint   He disavowed nothing 
he seemed as if he would defy all things   Without speaking  without
smiling  without seeming to recognise in me a human being  he only twined
my waist with his arm and riveted me to his side 

 Who are you   he asked of the intruder 

 My name is Briggs  a solicitor of     Street  London  

 And you would thrust on me a wife  

 I would remind you of your lady s existence  sir  which the law
recognises  if you do not  

 Favour me with an account of her  with her name  her parentage  her
place of abode  

 Certainly    Mr  Briggs calmly took a paper from his pocket  and read
out in a sort of official  nasal voice   

  I affirm and can prove that on the 20th of October A D       a date of
fifteen years back   Edward Fairfax Rochester  of Thornfield Hall  in the
county of      and of Ferndean Manor  in    shire  England  was married
to my sister  Bertha Antoinetta Mason  daughter of Jonas Mason  merchant 
and of Antoinetta his wife  a Creole  at     church  Spanish Town 
Jamaica   The record of the marriage will be found in the register of
that church  a copy of it is now in my possession   Signed  Richard
Mason   

 That  if a genuine document  may prove I have been married  but it does
not prove that the woman mentioned therein as my wife is still living  

 She was living three months ago   returned the lawyer 

 How do you know  

 I have a witness to the fact  whose testimony even you  sir  will
scarcely controvert  

 Produce him  or go to hell  

 I will produce him first  he is on the spot   Mr  Mason  have the
goodness to step forward  

Mr  Rochester  on hearing the name  set his teeth  he experienced  too  a
sort of strong convulsive quiver  near to him as I was  I felt the
spasmodic movement of fury or despair run through his frame   The second
stranger  who had hitherto lingered in the background  now drew near  a
pale face looked over the solicitor s shoulder  yes  it was Mason
himself   Mr  Rochester turned and glared at him   His eye  as I have
often said  was a black eye  it had now a tawny  nay  a bloody light in
its gloom  and his face flushed  olive cheek and hueless forehead
received a glow as from spreading  ascending heart fire  and he stirred 
lifted his strong arm  he could have struck Mason  dashed him on the
church floor  shocked by ruthless blow the breath from his body  but
Mason shrank away  and cried faintly   Good God    Contempt fell cool on
Mr  Rochester  his passion died as if a blight had shrivelled it up  he
only asked   What have  you  to say  

An inaudible reply escaped Mason s white lips 

 The devil is in it if you cannot answer distinctly   I again demand 
what have you to say  

 Sir  sir   interrupted the clergyman   do not forget you are in a sacred
place    Then addressing Mason  he inquired gently   Are you aware  sir 
whether or not this gentleman s wife is still living  

 Courage   urged the lawyer    speak out  

 She is now living at Thornfield Hall   said Mason  in more articulate
tones   I saw her there last April   I am her brother  

 At Thornfield Hall   ejaculated the clergyman    Impossible   I am an
old resident in this neighbourhood  sir  and I never heard of a Mrs 
Rochester at Thornfield Hall  

I saw a grim smile contort Mr  Rochester s lips  and he muttered  

 No  by God   I took care that none should hear of it  or of her under
that name    He mused  for ten minutes he held counsel with himself  he
formed his resolve  and announced it  

 Enough  all shall bolt out at once  like the bullet from the barrel 
Wood  close your book and take off your surplice  John Green  to the
clerk   leave the church  there will be no wedding to day    The man
obeyed 

Mr  Rochester continued  hardily and recklessly   Bigamy is an ugly
word   I meant  however  to be a bigamist  but fate has out manoeuvred
me  or Providence has checked me   perhaps the last   I am little better
than a devil at this moment  and  as my pastor there would tell me 
deserve no doubt the sternest judgments of God  even to the quenchless
fire and deathless worm   Gentlemen  my plan is broken up   what this
lawyer and his client say is true  I have been married  and the woman to
whom I was married lives   You say you never heard of a Mrs  Rochester at
the house up yonder  Wood  but I daresay you have many a time inclined
your ear to gossip about the mysterious lunatic kept there under watch
and ward   Some have whispered to you that she is my bastard half sister 
some  my cast off mistress   I now inform you that she is my wife  whom I
married fifteen years ago   Bertha Mason by name  sister of this resolute
personage  who is now  with his quivering limbs and white cheeks  showing
you what a stout heart men may bear   Cheer up  Dick   never fear me   I d
almost as soon strike a woman as you   Bertha Mason is mad  and she came
of a mad family  idiots and maniacs through three generations   Her
mother  the Creole  was both a madwoman and a drunkard   as I found out
after I had wed the daughter  for they were silent on family secrets
before   Bertha  like a dutiful child  copied her parent in both points 
I had a charming partner  pure  wise  modest  you can fancy I was a happy
man   I went through rich scenes   Oh  my experience has been heavenly 
if you only knew it   But I owe you no further explanation   Briggs 
Wood  Mason  I invite you all to come up to the house and visit Mrs 
Poole s patient  and  my wife    You shall see what sort of a being I was
cheated into espousing  and judge whether or not I had a right to break
the compact  and seek sympathy with something at least human   This
girl   he continued  looking at me   knew no more than you  Wood  of the
disgusting secret  she thought all was fair and legal and never dreamt
she was going to be entrapped into a feigned union with a defrauded
wretch  already bound to a bad  mad  and embruted partner   Come all of
you  follow  

Still holding me fast  he left the church  the three gentlemen came
after   At the front door of the hall we found the carriage 

 Take it back to the coach house  John   said Mr  Rochester coolly   it
will not be wanted to day  

At our entrance  Mrs  Fairfax  Adele  Sophie  Leah  advanced to meet and
greet us 

 To the right about  every soul   cried the master   away with your
congratulations   Who wants them   Not I   they are fifteen years too
late  

He passed on and ascended the stairs  still holding my hand  and still
beckoning the gentlemen to follow him  which they did   We mounted the
first staircase  passed up the gallery  proceeded to the third storey 
the low  black door  opened by Mr  Rochester s master key  admitted us to
the tapestried room  with its great bed and its pictorial cabinet 

 You know this place  Mason   said our guide   she bit and stabbed you
here  

He lifted the hangings from the wall  uncovering the second door  this 
too  he opened   In a room without a window  there burnt a fire guarded
by a high and strong fender  and a lamp suspended from the ceiling by a
chain   Grace Poole bent over the fire  apparently cooking something in a
saucepan   In the deep shade  at the farther end of the room  a figure
ran backwards and forwards   What it was  whether beast or human being 
one could not  at first sight  tell  it grovelled  seemingly  on all
fours  it snatched and growled like some strange wild animal  but it was
covered with clothing  and a quantity of dark  grizzled hair  wild as a
mane  hid its head and face 

 Good morrow  Mrs  Poole   said Mr  Rochester    How are you  and how is
your charge to day  

 We re tolerable  sir  I thank you   replied Grace  lifting the boiling
mess carefully on to the hob   rather snappish  but not  rageous  

A fierce cry seemed to give the lie to her favourable report  the clothed
hyena rose up  and stood tall on its hind feet 

 Ah  sir  she sees you   exclaimed Grace   you d better not stay  

 Only a few moments  Grace  you must allow me a few moments  

 Take care then  sir   for God s sake  take care  

The maniac bellowed  she parted her shaggy locks from her visage  and
gazed wildly at her visitors   I recognised well that purple face   those
bloated features   Mrs  Poole advanced 

 Keep out of the way   said Mr  Rochester  thrusting her aside   she has
no knife now  I suppose  and I m on my guard  

 One never knows what she has  sir  she is so cunning  it is not in
mortal discretion to fathom her craft  

 We had better leave her   whispered Mason 

 Go to the devil   was his brother in law s recommendation 

  Ware   cried Grace   The three gentlemen retreated simultaneously   Mr 
Rochester flung me behind him  the lunatic sprang and grappled his throat
viciously  and laid her teeth to his cheek  they struggled   She was a
big woman  in stature almost equalling her husband  and corpulent
besides  she showed virile force in the contest  more than once she
almost throttled him  athletic as he was   He could have settled her with
a well planted blow  but he would not strike  he would only wrestle   At
last he mastered her arms  Grace Poole gave him a cord  and he pinioned
them behind her  with more rope  which was at hand  he bound her to a
chair   The operation was performed amidst the fiercest yells and the
most convulsive plunges   Mr  Rochester then turned to the spectators  he
looked at them with a smile both acrid and desolate 

 That is  my wife    said he    Such is the sole conjugal embrace I am
ever to know  such are the endearments which are to solace my leisure
hours   And  this  is what I wished to have   laying his hand on my
shoulder    this young girl  who stands so grave and quiet at the mouth
of hell  looking collectedly at the gambols of a demon  I wanted her just
as a change after that fierce ragout   Wood and Briggs  look at the
difference   Compare these clear eyes with the red balls yonder  this
face with that mask  this form with that bulk  then judge me  priest of
the gospel and man of the law  and remember with what judgment ye judge
ye shall be judged   Off with you now   I must shut up my prize  

We all withdrew   Mr  Rochester stayed a moment behind us  to give some
further order to Grace Poole   The solicitor addressed me as he descended
the stair 

 You  madam   said he   are cleared from all blame  your uncle will be
glad to hear it  if  indeed  he should be still living  when Mr  Mason
returns to Madeira  

 My uncle   What of him   Do you know him  

 Mr  Mason does   Mr  Eyre has been the Funchal correspondent of his
house for some years   When your uncle received your letter intimating
the contemplated union between yourself and Mr  Rochester  Mr  Mason  who
was staying at Madeira to recruit his health  on his way back to Jamaica 
happened to be with him   Mr  Eyre mentioned the intelligence  for he
knew that my client here was acquainted with a gentleman of the name of
Rochester   Mr  Mason  astonished and distressed as you may suppose 
revealed the real state of matters   Your uncle  I am sorry to say  is
now on a sick bed  from which  considering the nature of his
disease  decline  and the stage it has reached  it is unlikely he will
ever rise   He could not then hasten to England himself  to extricate you
from the snare into which you had fallen  but he implored Mr  Mason to
lose no time in taking steps to prevent the false marriage   He referred
him to me for assistance   I used all despatch  and am thankful I was not
too late  as you  doubtless  must be also   Were I not morally certain
that your uncle will be dead ere you reach Madeira  I would advise you to
accompany Mr  Mason back  but as it is  I think you had better remain in
England till you can hear further  either from or of Mr  Eyre   Have we
anything else to stay for   he inquired of Mr  Mason 

 No  no  let us be gone   was the anxious reply  and without waiting to
take leave of Mr  Rochester  they made their exit at the hall door   The
clergyman stayed to exchange a few sentences  either of admonition or
reproof  with his haughty parishioner  this duty done  he too departed 

I heard him go as I stood at the half open door of my own room  to which
I had now withdrawn   The house cleared  I shut myself in  fastened the
bolt that none might intrude  and proceeded  not to weep  not to mourn  I
was yet too calm for that  but  mechanically to take off the wedding
dress  and replace it by the stuff gown I had worn yesterday  as I
thought  for the last time   I then sat down  I felt weak and tired   I
leaned my arms on a table  and my head dropped on them   And now I
thought  till now I had only heard  seen  moved  followed up and down
where I was led or dragged  watched event rush on event  disclosure open
beyond disclosure  but  now    I thought  

The morning had been a quiet morning enough  all except the brief scene
with the lunatic  the transaction in the church had not been noisy  there
was no explosion of passion  no loud altercation  no dispute  no defiance
or challenge  no tears  no sobs  a few words had been spoken  a calmly
pronounced objection to the marriage made  some stern  short questions
put by Mr  Rochester  answers  explanations given  evidence adduced  an
open admission of the truth had been uttered by my master  then the
living proof had been seen  the intruders were gone  and all was over 

I was in my own room as usual  just myself  without obvious change 
nothing had smitten me  or scathed me  or maimed me   And yet where was
the Jane Eyre of yesterday   where was her life   where were her
prospects 

Jane Eyre  who had been an ardent  expectant woman  almost a bride  was a
cold  solitary girl again  her life was pale  her prospects were
desolate   A Christmas frost had come at midsummer  a white December
storm had whirled over June  ice glazed the ripe apples  drifts crushed
the blowing roses  on hayfield and cornfield lay a frozen shroud  lanes
which last night blushed full of flowers  to day were pathless with
untrodden snow  and the woods  which twelve hours since waved leafy and
flagrant as groves between the tropics  now spread  waste  wild  and
white as pine forests in wintry Norway   My hopes were all dead  struck
with a subtle doom  such as  in one night  fell on all the first born in
the land of Egypt   I looked on my cherished wishes  yesterday so
blooming and glowing  they lay stark  chill  livid corpses that could
never revive   I looked at my love  that feeling which was my
master s  which he had created  it shivered in my heart  like a suffering
child in a cold cradle  sickness and anguish had seized it  it could not
seek Mr  Rochester s arms  it could not derive warmth from his breast 
Oh  never more could it turn to him  for faith was blighted  confidence
destroyed   Mr  Rochester was not to me what he had been  for he was not
what I had thought him   I would not ascribe vice to him  I would not say
he had betrayed me  but the attribute of stainless truth was gone from
his idea  and from his presence I must go   that  I perceived well 
When  how  whither  I could not yet discern  but he himself  I doubted
not  would hurry me from Thornfield   Real affection  it seemed  he could
not have for me  it had been only fitful passion  that was balked  he
would want me no more   I should fear even to cross his path now  my view
must be hateful to him   Oh  how blind had been my eyes   How weak my
conduct 

My eyes were covered and closed  eddying darkness seemed to swim round
me  and reflection came in as black and confused a flow   Self abandoned 
relaxed  and effortless  I seemed to have laid me down in the dried up
bed of a great river  I heard a flood loosened in remote mountains  and
felt the torrent come  to rise I had no will  to flee I had no strength 
I lay faint  longing to be dead   One idea only still throbbed life like
within me  a remembrance of God  it begot an unuttered prayer  these
words went wandering up and down in my rayless mind  as something that
should be whispered  but no energy was found to express them  

 Be not far from me  for trouble is near  there is none to help  

It was near  and as I had lifted no petition to Heaven to avert it  as I
had neither joined my hands  nor bent my knees  nor moved my lips  it
came  in full heavy swing the torrent poured over me   The whole
consciousness of my life lorn  my love lost  my hope quenched  my faith
death struck  swayed full and mighty above me in one sullen mass   That
bitter hour cannot be described  in truth   the waters came into my soul 
I sank in deep mire  I felt no standing  I came into deep waters  the
floods overflowed me  




CHAPTER XXVII


Some time in the afternoon I raised my head  and looking round and seeing
the western sun gilding the sign of its decline on the wall  I asked 
 What am I to do  

But the answer my mind gave   Leave Thornfield at once   was so prompt 
so dread  that I stopped my ears   I said I could not bear such words
now    That I am not Edward Rochester s bride is the least part of my
woe   I alleged   that I have wakened out of most glorious dreams  and
found them all void and vain  is a horror I could bear and master  but
that I must leave him decidedly  instantly  entirely  is intolerable   I
cannot do it  

But  then  a voice within me averred that I could do it and foretold that
I should do it   I wrestled with my own resolution  I wanted to be weak
that I might avoid the awful passage of further suffering I saw laid out
for me  and Conscience  turned tyrant  held Passion by the throat  told
her tauntingly  she had yet but dipped her dainty foot in the slough  and
swore that with that arm of iron he would thrust her down to unsounded
depths of agony 

 Let me be torn away   then I cried    Let another help me  

 No  you shall tear yourself away  none shall help you  you shall
yourself pluck out your right eye  yourself cut off your right hand  your
heart shall be the victim  and you the priest to transfix it  

I rose up suddenly  terror struck at the solitude which so ruthless a
judge haunted   at the silence which so awful a voice filled   My head
swam as I stood erect   I perceived that I was sickening from excitement
and inanition  neither meat nor drink had passed my lips that day  for I
had taken no breakfast   And  with a strange pang  I now reflected that 
long as I had been shut up here  no message had been sent to ask how I
was  or to invite me to come down  not even little Adele had tapped at
the door  not even Mrs  Fairfax had sought me    Friends always forget
those whom fortune forsakes   I murmured  as I undrew the bolt and passed
out   I stumbled over an obstacle  my head was still dizzy  my sight was
dim  and my limbs were feeble   I could not soon recover myself   I fell 
but not on to the ground  an outstretched arm caught me   I looked up  I
was supported by Mr  Rochester  who sat in a chair across my chamber
threshold 

 You come out at last   he said    Well  I have been waiting for you
long  and listening  yet not one movement have I heard  nor one sob  five
minutes more of that death like hush  and I should have forced the lock
like a burglar   So you shun me   you shut yourself up and grieve alone 
I would rather you had come and upbraided me with vehemence   You are
passionate   I expected a scene of some kind   I was prepared for the hot
rain of tears  only I wanted them to be shed on my breast  now a
senseless floor has received them  or your drenched handkerchief   But I
err  you have not wept at all   I see a white cheek and a faded eye  but
no trace of tears   I suppose  then  your heart has been weeping blood  

 Well  Jane  not a word of reproach   Nothing bitter  nothing poignant 
Nothing to cut a feeling or sting a passion   You sit quietly where I
have placed you  and regard me with a weary  passive look  

 Jane  I never meant to wound you thus   If the man who had but one
little ewe lamb that was dear to him as a daughter  that ate of his bread
and drank of his cup  and lay in his bosom  had by some mistake
slaughtered it at the shambles  he would not have rued his bloody blunder
more than I now rue mine   Will you ever forgive me  

Reader  I forgave him at the moment and on the spot   There was such deep
remorse in his eye  such true pity in his tone  such manly energy in his
manner  and besides  there was such unchanged love in his whole look and
mien  I forgave him all  yet not in words  not outwardly  only at my
heart s core 

 You know I am a scoundrel  Jane   ere long he inquired
wistfully  wondering  I suppose  at my continued silence and tameness 
the result rather of weakness than of will 

 Yes  sir  

 Then tell me so roundly and sharply  don t spare me  

 I cannot  I am tired and sick   I want some water    He heaved a sort of
shuddering sigh  and taking me in his arms  carried me downstairs   At
first I did not know to what room he had borne me  all was cloudy to my
glazed sight  presently I felt the reviving warmth of a fire  for  summer
as it was  I had become icy cold in my chamber   He put wine to my lips 
I tasted it and revived  then I ate something he offered me  and was soon
myself   I was in the library  sitting in his chair  he was quite near 
 If I could go out of life now  without too sharp a pang  it would be
well for me   I thought   then I should not have to make the effort of
cracking my heart strings in rending them from among Mr  Rochester s   I
must leave him  it appears   I do not want to leave him  I cannot leave
him  

 How are you now  Jane  

 Much better  sir  I shall be well soon  

 Taste the wine again  Jane  

I obeyed him  then he put the glass on the table  stood before me  and
looked at me attentively   Suddenly he turned away  with an inarticulate
exclamation  full of passionate emotion of some kind  he walked fast
through the room and came back  he stooped towards me as if to kiss me 
but I remembered caresses were now forbidden   I turned my face away and
put his aside 

 What   How is this   he exclaimed hastily    Oh  I know  you won t kiss
the husband of Bertha Mason   You consider my arms filled and my embraces
appropriated  

 At any rate  there is neither room nor claim for me  sir  

 Why  Jane   I will spare you the trouble of much talking  I will answer
for you  Because I have a wife already  you would reply   I guess
rightly  

 Yes  

 If you think so  you must have a strange opinion of me  you must regard
me as a plotting profligate  a base and low rake who has been simulating
disinterested love in order to draw you into a snare deliberately laid 
and strip you of honour and rob you of self respect   What do you say to
that   I see you can say nothing in the first place  you are faint still 
and have enough to do to draw your breath  in the second place  you
cannot yet accustom yourself to accuse and revile me  and besides  the
flood gates of tears are opened  and they would rush out if you spoke
much  and you have no desire to expostulate  to upbraid  to make a scene 
you are thinking how  to act    talking  you consider is of no use   I
know you  I am on my guard  

 Sir  I do not wish to act against you   I said  and my unsteady voice
warned me to curtail my sentence 

 Not in your sense of the word  but in mine you are scheming to destroy
me   You have as good as said that I am a married man  as a married man
you will shun me  keep out of my way  just now you have refused to kiss
me   You intend to make yourself a complete stranger to me  to live under
this roof only as Adele s governess  if ever I say a friendly word to
you  if ever a friendly feeling inclines you again to me  you will
say    That man had nearly made me his mistress  I must be ice and rock
to him   and ice and rock you will accordingly become  

I cleared and steadied my voice to reply   All is changed about me  sir 
I must change too  there is no doubt of that  and to avoid fluctuations
of feeling  and continual combats with recollections and associations 
there is only one way  Adele must have a new governess  sir  

 Oh  Adele will go to school  I have settled that already  nor do I mean
to torment you with the hideous associations and recollections of
Thornfield Hall  this accursed place  this tent of Achan  this insolent
vault  offering the ghastliness of living death to the light of the open
sky  this narrow stone hell  with its one real fiend  worse than a legion
of such as we imagine   Jane  you shall not stay here  nor will I   I was
wrong ever to bring you to Thornfield Hall  knowing as I did how it was
haunted   I charged them to conceal from you  before I ever saw you  all
knowledge of the curse of the place  merely because I feared Adele never
would have a governess to stay if she knew with what inmate she was
housed  and my plans would not permit me to remove the maniac
elsewhere  though I possess an old house  Ferndean Manor  even more
retired and hidden than this  where I could have lodged her safely
enough  had not a scruple about the unhealthiness of the situation  in
the heart of a wood  made my conscience recoil from the arrangement 
Probably those damp walls would soon have eased me of her charge  but to
each villain his own vice  and mine is not a tendency to indirect
assassination  even of what I most hate 

 Concealing the mad woman s neighbourhood from you  however  was
something like covering a child with a cloak and laying it down near a
upas tree  that demon s vicinage is poisoned  and always was   But I ll
shut up Thornfield Hall  I ll nail up the front door and board the lower
windows  I ll give Mrs  Poole two hundred a year to live here with  my
wife   as you term that fearful hag  Grace will do much for money  and
she shall have her son  the keeper at Grimsby Retreat  to bear her
company and be at hand to give her aid in the paroxysms  when  my wife 
is prompted by her familiar to burn people in their beds at night  to
stab them  to bite their flesh from their bones  and so on   

 Sir   I interrupted him   you are inexorable for that unfortunate lady 
you speak of her with hate  with vindictive antipathy   It is cruel  she
cannot help being mad  

 Jane  my little darling  so I will call you  for so you are   you don t
know what you are talking about  you misjudge me again  it is not because
she is mad I hate her   If you were mad  do you think I should hate you  

 I do indeed  sir  

 Then you are mistaken  and you know nothing about me  and nothing about
the sort of love of which I am capable   Every atom of your flesh is as
dear to me as my own  in pain and sickness it would still be dear   Your
mind is my treasure  and if it were broken  it would be my treasure
still  if you raved  my arms should confine you  and not a strait
waistcoat  your grasp  even in fury  would have a charm for me  if you
flew at me as wildly as that woman did this morning  I should receive you
in an embrace  at least as fond as it would be restrictive   I should not
shrink from you with disgust as I did from her  in your quiet moments you
should have no watcher and no nurse but me  and I could hang over you
with untiring tenderness  though you gave me no smile in return  and
never weary of gazing into your eyes  though they had no longer a ray of
recognition for me   But why do I follow that train of ideas   I was
talking of removing you from Thornfield   All  you know  is prepared for
prompt departure  to morrow you shall go   I only ask you to endure one
more night under this roof  Jane  and then  farewell to its miseries and
terrors for ever   I have a place to repair to  which will be a secure
sanctuary from hateful reminiscences  from unwelcome intrusion  even from
falsehood and slander  

 And take Adele with you  sir   I interrupted   she will be a companion
for you  

 What do you mean  Jane   I told you I would send Adele to school  and
what do I want with a child for a companion  and not my own child   a
French dancer s bastard   Why do you importune me about her   I say  why
do you assign Adele to me for a companion  

 You spoke of a retirement  sir  and retirement and solitude are dull 
too dull for you  

 Solitude  solitude   he reiterated with irritation    I see I must come
to an explanation   I don t know what sphynx like expression is forming
in your countenance   You are to share my solitude   Do you understand  

I shook my head  it required a degree of courage  excited as he was
becoming  even to risk that mute sign of dissent   He had been walking
fast about the room  and he stopped  as if suddenly rooted to one spot 
He looked at me long and hard  I turned my eyes from him  fixed them on
the fire  and tried to assume and maintain a quiet  collected aspect 

 Now for the hitch in Jane s character   he said at last  speaking more
calmly than from his look I had expected him to speak    The reel of silk
has run smoothly enough so far  but I always knew there would come a knot
and a puzzle  here it is   Now for vexation  and exasperation  and
endless trouble   By God   I long to exert a fraction of Samson s
strength  and break the entanglement like tow  

He recommenced his walk  but soon again stopped  and this time just
before me 

 Jane  will you hear reason    he stooped and approached his lips to my
ear    because  if you won t  I ll try violence    His voice was hoarse 
his look that of a man who is just about to burst an insufferable bond
and plunge headlong into wild license   I saw that in another moment  and
with one impetus of frenzy more  I should be able to do nothing with him 
The present  the passing second of time  was all I had in which to
control and restrain him  a movement of repulsion  flight  fear would
have sealed my doom   and his   But I was not afraid  not in the least   I
felt an inward power  a sense of influence  which supported me   The
crisis was perilous  but not without its charm  such as the Indian 
perhaps  feels when he slips over the rapid in his canoe   I took hold of
his clenched hand  loosened the contorted fingers  and said to him 
soothingly  

 Sit down  I ll talk to you as long as you like  and hear all you have to
say  whether reasonable or unreasonable  

He sat down  but he did not get leave to speak directly   I had been
struggling with tears for some time  I had taken great pains to repress
them  because I knew he would not like to see me weep   Now  however  I
considered it well to let them flow as freely and as long as they liked 
If the flood annoyed him  so much the better   So I gave way and cried
heartily 

Soon I heard him earnestly entreating me to be composed   I said I could
not while he was in such a passion 

 But I am not angry  Jane  I only love you too well  and you had steeled
your little pale face with such a resolute  frozen look  I could not
endure it   Hush  now  and wipe your eyes  

His softened voice announced that he was subdued  so I  in my turn 
became calm   Now he made an effort to rest his head on my shoulder  but
I would not permit it   Then he would draw me to him  no 

 Jane  Jane   he said  in such an accent of bitter sadness it thrilled
along every nerve I had   you don t love me  then   It was only my
station  and the rank of my wife  that you valued   Now that you think me
disqualified to become your husband  you recoil from my touch as if I
were some toad or ape  

These words cut me  yet what could I do or I say   I ought probably to
have done or said nothing  but I was so tortured by a sense of remorse at
thus hurting his feelings  I could not control the wish to drop balm
where I had wounded 

 I  do  love you   I said   more than ever  but I must not show or
indulge the feeling  and this is the last time I must express it  

 The last time  Jane   What  do you think you can live with me  and see
me daily  and yet  if you still love me  be always cold and distant  

 No  sir  that I am certain I could not  and therefore I see there is but
one way  but you will be furious if I mention it  

 Oh  mention it   If I storm  you have the art of weeping  

 Mr  Rochester  I must leave you  

 For how long  Jane   For a few minutes  while you smooth your hair  which
is somewhat dishevelled  and bathe your face  which looks feverish  

 I must leave Adele and Thornfield   I must part with you for my whole
life  I must begin a new existence among strange faces and strange
scenes  

 Of course  I told you you should   I pass over the madness about parting
from me   You mean you must become a part of me   As to the new
existence  it is all right  you shall yet be my wife  I am not married 
You shall be Mrs  Rochester  both virtually and nominally   I shall keep
only to you so long as you and I live   You shall go to a place I have in
the south of France  a whitewashed villa on the shores of the
Mediterranean   There you shall live a happy  and guarded  and most
innocent life   Never fear that I wish to lure you into error  to make
you my mistress   Why did you shake your head   Jane  you must be
reasonable  or in truth I shall again become frantic  

His voice and hand quivered  his large nostrils dilated  his eye blazed 
still I dared to speak 

 Sir  your wife is living  that is a fact acknowledged this morning by
yourself   If I lived with you as you desire  I should then be your
mistress  to say otherwise is sophistical  is false  

 Jane  I am not a gentle tempered man  you forget that  I am not long 
enduring  I am not cool and dispassionate   Out of pity to me and
yourself  put your finger on my pulse  feel how it throbs  and  beware  

He bared his wrist  and offered it to me  the blood was forsaking his
cheek and lips  they were growing livid  I was distressed on all hands 
To agitate him thus deeply  by a resistance he so abhorred  was cruel  to
yield was out of the question   I did what human beings do instinctively
when they are driven to utter extremity  looked for aid to one higher
than man  the words  God help me   burst involuntarily from my lips 

 I am a fool   cried Mr  Rochester suddenly    I keep telling her I am
not married  and do not explain to her why   I forget she knows nothing
of the character of that woman  or of the circumstances attending my
infernal union with her   Oh  I am certain Jane will agree with me in
opinion  when she knows all that I know   Just put your hand in mine 
Janet  that I may have the evidence of touch as well as sight  to prove
you are near me  and I will in a few words show you the real state of the
case   Can you listen to me  

 Yes  sir  for hours if you will  

 I ask only minutes   Jane  did you ever hear or know that I was not the
eldest son of my house  that I had once a brother older than I  

 I remember Mrs  Fairfax told me so once  

 And did you ever hear that my father was an avaricious  grasping man  

 I have understood something to that effect  

 Well  Jane  being so  it was his resolution to keep the property
together  he could not bear the idea of dividing his estate and leaving
me a fair portion  all  he resolved  should go to my brother  Rowland 
Yet as little could he endure that a son of his should be a poor man   I
must be provided for by a wealthy marriage   He sought me a partner
betimes   Mr  Mason  a West India planter and merchant  was his old
acquaintance   He was certain his possessions were real and vast  he made
inquiries   Mr  Mason  he found  had a son and daughter  and he learned
from him that he could and would give the latter a fortune of thirty
thousand pounds  that sufficed   When I left college  I was sent out to
Jamaica  to espouse a bride already courted for me   My father said
nothing about her money  but he told me Miss Mason was the boast of
Spanish Town for her beauty  and this was no lie   I found her a fine
woman  in the style of Blanche Ingram  tall  dark  and majestic   Her
family wished to secure me because I was of a good race  and so did she 
They showed her to me in parties  splendidly dressed   I seldom saw her
alone  and had very little private conversation with her   She flattered
me  and lavishly displayed for my pleasure her charms and
accomplishments   All the men in her circle seemed to admire her and envy
me   I was dazzled  stimulated  my senses were excited  and being
ignorant  raw  and inexperienced  I thought I loved her   There is no
folly so besotted that the idiotic rivalries of society  the prurience 
the rashness  the blindness of youth  will not hurry a man to its
commission   Her relatives encouraged me  competitors piqued me  she
allured me  a marriage was achieved almost before I knew where I was   Oh 
I have no respect for myself when I think of that act   an agony of
inward contempt masters me   I never loved  I never esteemed  I did not
even know her   I was not sure of the existence of one virtue in her
nature  I had marked neither modesty  nor benevolence  nor candour  nor
refinement in her mind or manners  and  I married her   gross 
grovelling  mole eyed blockhead that I was   With less sin I might
have  But let me remember to whom I am speaking  

 My bride s mother I had never seen  I understood she was dead   The
honeymoon over  I learned my mistake  she was only mad  and shut up in a
lunatic asylum   There was a younger brother  too  a complete dumb idiot 
The elder one  whom you have seen  and whom I cannot hate  whilst I abhor
all his kindred  because he has some grains of affection in his feeble
mind  shown in the continued interest he takes in his wretched sister 
and also in a dog like attachment he once bore me   will probably be in
the same state one day   My father and my brother Rowland knew all this 
but they thought only of the thirty thousand pounds  and joined in the
plot against me  

 These were vile discoveries  but except for the treachery of
concealment  I should have made them no subject of reproach to my wife 
even when I found her nature wholly alien to mine  her tastes obnoxious
to me  her cast of mind common  low  narrow  and singularly incapable of
being led to anything higher  expanded to anything larger  when I found
that I could not pass a single evening  nor even a single hour of the day
with her in comfort  that kindly conversation could not be sustained
between us  because whatever topic I started  immediately received from
her a turn at once coarse and trite  perverse and imbecile  when I
perceived that I should never have a quiet or settled household  because
no servant would bear the continued outbreaks of her violent and
unreasonable temper  or the vexations of her absurd  contradictory 
exacting orders  even then I restrained myself  I eschewed upbraiding  I
curtailed remonstrance  I tried to devour my repentance and disgust in
secret  I repressed the deep antipathy I felt 

 Jane  I will not trouble you with abominable details  some strong words
shall express what I have to say   I lived with that woman upstairs four
years  and before that time she had tried me indeed  her character
ripened and developed with frightful rapidity  her vices sprang up fast
and rank  they were so strong  only cruelty could check them  and I would
not use cruelty   What a pigmy intellect she had  and what giant
propensities   How fearful were the curses those propensities entailed on
me   Bertha Mason  the true daughter of an infamous mother  dragged me
through all the hideous and degrading agonies which must attend a man
bound to a wife at once intemperate and unchaste 

 My brother in the interval was dead  and at the end of the four years my
father died too   I was rich enough now  yet poor to hideous indigence  a
nature the most gross  impure  depraved I ever saw  was associated with
mine  and called by the law and by society a part of me   And I could not
rid myself of it by any legal proceedings  for the doctors now discovered
that  my wife  was mad  her excesses had prematurely developed the germs
of insanity   Jane  you don t like my narrative  you look almost
sick  shall I defer the rest to another day  

 No  sir  finish it now  I pity you  I do earnestly pity you  

 Pity  Jane  from some people is a noxious and insulting sort of tribute 
which one is justified in hurling back in the teeth of those who offer
it  but that is the sort of pity native to callous  selfish hearts  it is
a hybrid  egotistical pain at hearing of woes  crossed with ignorant
contempt for those who have endured them   But that is not your pity 
Jane  it is not the feeling of which your whole face is full at this
moment  with which your eyes are now almost overflowing  with which your
heart is heaving  with which your hand is trembling in mine   Your pity 
my darling  is the suffering mother of love  its anguish is the very
natal pang of the divine passion   I accept it  Jane  let the daughter
have free advent  my arms wait to receive her  

 Now  sir  proceed  what did you do when you found she was mad  

 Jane  I approached the verge of despair  a remnant of self respect was
all that intervened between me and the gulf   In the eyes of the world  I
was doubtless covered with grimy dishonour  but I resolved to be clean in
my own sight  and to the last I repudiated the contamination of her
crimes  and wrenched myself from connection with her mental defects 
Still  society associated my name and person with hers  I yet saw her and
heard her daily  something of her breath  faugh   mixed with the air I
breathed  and besides  I remembered I had once been her husband  that
recollection was then  and is now  inexpressibly odious to me  moreover 
I knew that while she lived I could never be the husband of another and
better wife  and  though five years my senior  her family and her father
had lied to me even in the particular of her age   she was likely to live
as long as I  being as robust in frame as she was infirm in mind   Thus 
at the age of twenty six  I was hopeless 

 One night I had been awakened by her yells   since the medical men had
pronounced her mad  she had  of course  been shut up   it was a fiery
West Indian night  one of the description that frequently precede the
hurricanes of those climates   Being unable to sleep in bed  I got up and
opened the window   The air was like sulphur steams  I could find no
refreshment anywhere   Mosquitoes came buzzing in and hummed sullenly
round the room  the sea  which I could hear from thence  rumbled dull
like an earthquake  black clouds were casting up over it  the moon was
setting in the waves  broad and red  like a hot cannon ball  she threw
her last bloody glance over a world quivering with the ferment of
tempest   I was physically influenced by the atmosphere and scene  and my
ears were filled with the curses the maniac still shrieked out  wherein
she momentarily mingled my name with such a tone of demon hate  with such
language   no professed harlot ever had a fouler vocabulary than she 
though two rooms off  I heard every word  the thin partitions of the West
India house opposing but slight obstruction to her wolfish cries 

  This life   said I at last   is hell  this is the air  those are the
sounds of the bottomless pit   I have a right to deliver myself from it
if I can   The sufferings of this mortal state will leave me with the
heavy flesh that now cumbers my soul   Of the fanatic s burning eternity
I have no fear  there is not a future state worse than this present
one  let me break away  and go home to God  

 I said this whilst I knelt down at  and unlocked a trunk which contained
a brace of loaded pistols  I mean to shoot myself   I only entertained
the intention for a moment  for  not being insane  the crisis of
exquisite and unalloyed despair  which had originated the wish and design
of self destruction  was past in a second 

 A wind fresh from Europe blew over the ocean and rushed through the open
casement  the storm broke  streamed  thundered  blazed  and the air grew
pure   I then framed and fixed a resolution   While I walked under the
dripping orange trees of my wet garden  and amongst its drenched
pomegranates and pine apples  and while the refulgent dawn of the tropics
kindled round me  I reasoned thus  Jane  and now listen  for it was true
Wisdom that consoled me in that hour  and showed me the right path to
follow 

 The sweet wind from Europe was still whispering in the refreshed leaves 
and the Atlantic was thundering in glorious liberty  my heart  dried up
and scorched for a long time  swelled to the tone  and filled with living
blood  my being longed for renewal  my soul thirsted for a pure draught 
I saw hope revive  and felt regeneration possible   From a flowery arch
at the bottom of my garden I gazed over the sea  bluer than the sky  the
old world was beyond  clear prospects opened thus   

  Go   said Hope   and live again in Europe  there it is not known what a
sullied name you bear  nor what a filthy burden is bound to you   You may
take the maniac with you to England  confine her with due attendance and
precautions at Thornfield  then travel yourself to what clime you will 
and form what new tie you like   That woman  who has so abused your long 
suffering  so sullied your name  so outraged your honour  so blighted
your youth  is not your wife  nor are you her husband   See that she is
cared for as her condition demands  and you have done all that God and
humanity require of you   Let her identity  her connection with yourself 
be buried in oblivion  you are bound to impart them to no living being 
Place her in safety and comfort  shelter her degradation with secrecy 
and leave her  

 I acted precisely on this suggestion   My father and brother had not
made my marriage known to their acquaintance  because  in the very first
letter I wrote to apprise them of the union  having already begun to
experience extreme disgust of its consequences  and  from the family
character and constitution  seeing a hideous future opening to me  I
added an urgent charge to keep it secret  and very soon the infamous
conduct of the wife my father had selected for me was such as to make him
blush to own her as his daughter in law   Far from desiring to publish
the connection  he became as anxious to conceal it as myself 

 To England  then  I conveyed her  a fearful voyage I had with such a
monster in the vessel   Glad was I when I at last got her to Thornfield 
and saw her safely lodged in that third storey room  of whose secret
inner cabinet she has now for ten years made a wild beast s den  a
goblin s cell   I had some trouble in finding an attendant for her  as it
was necessary to select one on whose fidelity dependence could be placed 
for her ravings would inevitably betray my secret  besides  she had lucid
intervals of days  sometimes weeks  which she filled up with abuse of me 
At last I hired Grace Poole from the Grimbsy Retreat   She and the
surgeon  Carter  who dressed Mason s wounds that night he was stabbed and
worried   are the only two I have ever admitted to my confidence   Mrs 
Fairfax may indeed have suspected something  but she could have gained no
precise knowledge as to facts   Grace has  on the whole  proved a good
keeper  though  owing partly to a fault of her own  of which it appears
nothing can cure her  and which is incident to her harassing profession 
her vigilance has been more than once lulled and baffled   The lunatic is
both cunning and malignant  she has never failed to take advantage of her
guardian s temporary lapses  once to secrete the knife with which she
stabbed her brother  and twice to possess herself of the key of her cell 
and issue therefrom in the night time   On the first of these occasions 
she perpetrated the attempt to burn me in my bed  on the second  she paid
that ghastly visit to you   I thank Providence  who watched over you 
that she then spent her fury on your wedding apparel  which perhaps
brought back vague reminiscences of her own bridal days  but on what
might have happened  I cannot endure to reflect   When I think of the
thing which flew at my throat this morning  hanging its black and scarlet
visage over the nest of my dove  my blood curdles   

 And what  sir   I asked  while he paused   did you do when you had
settled her here   Where did you go  

 What did I do  Jane   I transformed myself into a will o  the wisp 
Where did I go   I pursued wanderings as wild as those of the
March spirit   I sought the Continent  and went devious through all its
lands   My fixed desire was to seek and find a good and intelligent
woman  whom I could love  a contrast to the fury I left at Thornfield   

 But you could not marry  sir  

 I had determined and was convinced that I could and ought   It was not
my original intention to deceive  as I have deceived you   I meant to
tell my tale plainly  and make my proposals openly  and it appeared to me
so absolutely rational that I should be considered free to love and be
loved  I never doubted some woman might be found willing and able to
understand my case and accept me  in spite of the curse with which I was
burdened  

 Well  sir  

 When you are inquisitive  Jane  you always make me smile   You open your
eyes like an eager bird  and make every now and then a restless movement 
as if answers in speech did not flow fast enough for you  and you wanted
to read the tablet of one s heart   But before I go on  tell me what you
mean by your  Well  sir    It is a small phrase very frequent with you 
and which many a time has drawn me on and on through interminable talk  I
don t very well know why  

 I mean   What next   How did you proceed   What came of such an event  

 Precisely  and what do you wish to know now  

 Whether you found any one you liked  whether you asked her to marry you 
and what she said  

 I can tell you whether I found any one I liked  and whether I asked her
to marry me  but what she said is yet to be recorded in the book of Fate 
For ten long years I roved about  living first in one capital  then
another  sometimes in St  Petersburg  oftener in Paris  occasionally in
Rome  Naples  and Florence   Provided with plenty of money and the
passport of an old name  I could choose my own society  no circles were
closed against me   I sought my ideal of a woman amongst English ladies 
French countesses  Italian signoras  and German grafinnen   I could not
find her   Sometimes  for a fleeting moment  I thought I caught a glance 
heard a tone  beheld a form  which announced the realisation of my dream 
but I was presently undeserved   You are not to suppose that I desired
perfection  either of mind or person   I longed only for what suited
me  for the antipodes of the Creole  and I longed vainly   Amongst them
all I found not one whom  had I been ever so free  I  warned as I was of
the risks  the horrors  the loathings of incongruous unions  would have
asked to marry me   Disappointment made me reckless   I tried
dissipation  never debauchery  that I hated  and hate   That was my
Indian Messalina s attribute  rooted disgust at it and her restrained me
much  even in pleasure   Any enjoyment that bordered on riot seemed to
approach me to her and her vices  and I eschewed it 

 Yet I could not live alone  so I tried the companionship of mistresses 
The first I chose was Celine Varens  another of those steps which make a
man spurn himself when he recalls them   You already know what she was 
and how my liaison with her terminated   She had two successors  an
Italian  Giacinta  and a German  Clara  both considered singularly
handsome   What was their beauty to me in a few weeks   Giacinta was
unprincipled and violent  I tired of her in three months   Clara was
honest and quiet  but heavy  mindless  and unimpressible  not one whit to
my taste   I was glad to give her a sufficient sum to set her up in a
good line of business  and so get decently rid of her   But  Jane  I see
by your face you are not forming a very favourable opinion of me just
now   You think me an unfeeling  loose principled rake  don t you  

 I don t like you so well as I have done sometimes  indeed  sir   Did it
not seem to you in the least wrong to live in that way  first with one
mistress and then another   You talk of it as a mere matter of course  

 It was with me  and I did not like it   It was a grovelling fashion of
existence  I should never like to return to it   Hiring a mistress is the
next worse thing to buying a slave  both are often by nature  and always
by position  inferior  and to live familiarly with inferiors is
degrading   I now hate the recollection of the time I passed with Celine 
Giacinta  and Clara  

I felt the truth of these words  and I drew from them the certain
inference  that if I were so far to forget myself and all the teaching
that had ever been instilled into me  as  under any pretext  with any
justification  through any temptation  to become the successor of these
poor girls  he would one day regard me with the same feeling which now in
his mind desecrated their memory   I did not give utterance to this
conviction  it was enough to feel it   I impressed it on my heart  that
it might remain there to serve me as aid in the time of trial 

 Now  Jane  why don t you say  Well  sir    I have not done   You are
looking grave   You disapprove of me still  I see   But let me come to
the point   Last January  rid of all mistresses  in a harsh  bitter frame
of mind  the result of a useless  roving  lonely life  corroded with
disappointment  sourly disposed against all men  and especially against
all womankind  for I began to regard the notion of an intellectual 
faithful  loving woman as a mere dream   recalled by business  I came
back to England 

 On a frosty winter afternoon  I rode in sight of Thornfield Hall 
Abhorred spot   I expected no peace  no pleasure there   On a stile in
Hay Lane I saw a quiet little figure sitting by itself   I passed it as
negligently as I did the pollard willow opposite to it  I had no
presentiment of what it would be to me  no inward warning that the
arbitress of my life  my genius for good or evil  waited there in humble
guise   I did not know it  even when  on the occasion of Mesrour s
accident  it came up and gravely offered me help   Childish and slender
creature   It seemed as if a linnet had hopped to my foot and proposed to
bear me on its tiny wing   I was surly  but the thing would not go  it
stood by me with strange perseverance  and looked and spoke with a sort
of authority   I must be aided  and by that hand  and aided I was 

 When once I had pressed the frail shoulder  something new  a fresh sap
and sense  stole into my frame   It was well I had learnt that this elf
must return to me  that it belonged to my house down below  or I could
not have felt it pass away from under my hand  and seen it vanish behind
the dim hedge  without singular regret   I heard you come home that
night  Jane  though probably you were not aware that I thought of you or
watched for you   The next day I observed you  myself unseen  for half an 
hour  while you played with Adele in the gallery   It was a snowy day  I
recollect  and you could not go out of doors   I was in my room  the door
was ajar  I could both listen and watch   Adele claimed your outward
attention for a while  yet I fancied your thoughts were elsewhere  but
you were very patient with her  my little Jane  you talked to her and
amused her a long time   When at last she left you  you lapsed at once
into deep reverie  you betook yourself slowly to pace the gallery   Now
and then  in passing a casement  you glanced out at the thick falling
snow  you listened to the sobbing wind  and again you paced gently on and
dreamed   I think those day visions were not dark  there was a
pleasurable illumination in your eye occasionally  a soft excitement in
your aspect  which told of no bitter  bilious  hypochondriac brooding 
your look revealed rather the sweet musings of youth when its spirit
follows on willing wings the flight of Hope up and on to an ideal heaven 
The voice of Mrs  Fairfax  speaking to a servant in the hall  wakened
you  and how curiously you smiled to and at yourself  Janet   There was
much sense in your smile  it was very shrewd  and seemed to make light of
your own abstraction   It seemed to say   My fine visions are all very
well  but I must not forget they are absolutely unreal   I have a rosy
sky and a green flowery Eden in my brain  but without  I am perfectly
aware  lies at my feet a rough tract to travel  and around me gather
black tempests to encounter    You ran downstairs and demanded of Mrs 
Fairfax some occupation  the weekly house accounts to make up  or
something of that sort  I think it was   I was vexed with you for getting
out of my sight 

 Impatiently I waited for evening  when I might summon you to my
presence   An unusual  to me  a perfectly new character I suspected was
yours  I desired to search it deeper and know it better   You entered the
room with a look and air at once shy and independent  you were quaintly
dressed  much as you are now   I made you talk  ere long I found you full
of strange contrasts   Your garb and manner were restricted by rule  your
air was often diffident  and altogether that of one refined by nature 
but absolutely unused to society  and a good deal afraid of making
herself disadvantageously conspicuous by some solecism or blunder  yet
when addressed  you lifted a keen  a daring  and a glowing eye to your
interlocutor s face  there was penetration and power in each glance you
gave  when plied by close questions  you found ready and round answers 
Very soon you seemed to get used to me  I believe you felt the existence
of sympathy between you and your grim and cross master  Jane  for it was
astonishing to see how quickly a certain pleasant ease tranquillised your
manner  snarl as I would  you showed no surprise  fear  annoyance  or
displeasure at my moroseness  you watched me  and now and then smiled at
me with a simple yet sagacious grace I cannot describe   I was at once
content and stimulated with what I saw  I liked what I had seen  and
wished to see more   Yet  for a long time  I treated you distantly  and
sought your company rarely   I was an intellectual epicure  and wished to
prolong the gratification of making this novel and piquant acquaintance 
besides  I was for a while troubled with a haunting fear that if I
handled the flower freely its bloom would fade  the sweet charm of
freshness would leave it   I did not then know that it was no transitory
blossom  but rather the radiant resemblance of one  cut in an
indestructible gem   Moreover  I wished to see whether you would seek me
if I shunned you  but you did not  you kept in the schoolroom as still as
your own desk and easel  if by chance I met you  you passed me as soon 
and with as little token of recognition  as was consistent with respect 
Your habitual expression in those days  Jane  was a thoughtful look  not
despondent  for you were not sickly  but not buoyant  for you had little
hope  and no actual pleasure   I wondered what you thought of me  or if
you ever thought of me  and resolved to find this out 

 I resumed my notice of you   There was something glad in your glance 
and genial in your manner  when you conversed  I saw you had a social
heart  it was the silent schoolroom  it was the tedium of your life  that
made you mournful   I permitted myself the delight of being kind to you 
kindness stirred emotion soon  your face became soft in expression  your
tones gentle  I liked my name pronounced by your lips in a grateful happy
accent   I used to enjoy a chance meeting with you  Jane  at this time 
there was a curious hesitation in your manner  you glanced at me with a
slight trouble  a hovering doubt  you did not know what my caprice might
be  whether I was going to play the master and be stern  or the friend
and be benignant   I was now too fond of you often to simulate the first
whim  and  when I stretched my hand out cordially  such bloom and light
and bliss rose to your young  wistful features  I had much ado often to
avoid straining you then and there to my heart  

 Don t talk any more of those days  sir   I interrupted  furtively
dashing away some tears from my eyes  his language was torture to me  for
I knew what I must do  and do soon  and all these reminiscences  and
these revelations of his feelings only made my work more difficult 

 No  Jane   he returned   what necessity is there to dwell on the Past 
when the Present is so much surer  the Future so much brighter  

I shuddered to hear the infatuated assertion 

 You see now how the case stands  do you not   he continued    After a
youth and manhood passed half in unutterable misery and half in dreary
solitude  I have for the first time found what I can truly love  I have
found you   You are my sympathy  my better self  my good angel   I am
bound to you with a strong attachment   I think you good  gifted  lovely 
a fervent  a solemn passion is conceived in my heart  it leans to you 
draws you to my centre and spring of life  wraps my existence about you 
and  kindling in pure  powerful flame  fuses you and me in one 

 It was because I felt and knew this  that I resolved to marry you   To
tell me that I had already a wife is empty mockery  you know now that I
had but a hideous demon   I was wrong to attempt to deceive you  but I
feared a stubbornness that exists in your character   I feared early
instilled prejudice  I wanted to have you safe before hazarding
confidences   This was cowardly  I should have appealed to your nobleness
and magnanimity at first  as I do now  opened to you plainly my life of
agony  described to you my hunger and thirst after a higher and worthier
existence  shown to you  not my  resolution   that word is weak   but my
resistless  bent  to love faithfully and well  where I am faithfully and
well loved in return   Then I should have asked you to accept my pledge
of fidelity and to give me yours   Jane  give it me now  

A pause 

 Why are you silent  Jane  

I was experiencing an ordeal  a hand of fiery iron grasped my vitals 
Terrible moment  full of struggle  blackness  burning   Not a human being
that ever lived could wish to be loved better than I was loved  and him
who thus loved me I absolutely worshipped  and I must renounce love and
idol   One drear word comprised my intolerable duty   Depart  

 Jane  you understand what I want of you   Just this promise   I will be
yours  Mr  Rochester   

 Mr  Rochester  I will  not  be yours  

Another long silence 

 Jane   recommenced he  with a gentleness that broke me down with grief 
and turned me stone cold with ominous terror  for this still voice was
the pant of a lion rising   Jane  do you mean to go one way in the world 
and to let me go another  

 I do  

 Jane   bending towards and embracing me    do you mean it now  

 I do  

 And now   softly kissing my forehead and cheek 

 I do   extricating myself from restraint rapidly and completely 

 Oh  Jane  this is bitter   This  this is wicked   It would not be wicked
to love me  

 It would to obey you  

A wild look raised his brows  crossed his features  he rose  but he
forebore yet   I laid my hand on the back of a chair for support  I
shook  I feared  but I resolved 

 One instant  Jane   Give one glance to my horrible life when you are
gone   All happiness will be torn away with you   What then is left   For
a wife I have but the maniac upstairs  as well might you refer me to some
corpse in yonder churchyard   What shall I do  Jane   Where turn for a
companion and for some hope  

 Do as I do  trust in God and yourself   Believe in heaven   Hope to meet
again there  

 Then you will not yield  

 No  

 Then you condemn me to live wretched and to die accursed    His voice
rose 

 I advise you to live sinless  and I wish you to die tranquil  

 Then you snatch love and innocence from me   You fling me back on lust
for a passion  vice for an occupation  

 Mr  Rochester  I no more assign this fate to you than I grasp at it for
myself   We were born to strive and endure  you as well as I  do so   You
will forget me before I forget you  

 You make me a liar by such language  you sully my honour   I declared I
could not change  you tell me to my face I shall change soon   And what a
distortion in your judgment  what a perversity in your ideas  is proved
by your conduct   Is it better to drive a fellow creature to despair than
to transgress a mere human law  no man being injured by the breach  for
you have neither relatives nor acquaintances whom you need fear to offend
by living with me  

This was true  and while he spoke my very conscience and reason turned
traitors against me  and charged me with crime in resisting him   They
spoke almost as loud as Feeling  and that clamoured wildly    Oh 
comply   it said    Think of his misery  think of his danger  look at his
state when left alone  remember his headlong nature  consider the
recklessness following on despair  soothe him  save him  love him  tell
him you love him and will be his   Who in the world cares for  you   or
who will be injured by what you do  

Still indomitable was the reply    I  care for myself   The more
solitary  the more friendless  the more unsustained I am  the more I will
respect myself   I will keep the law given by God  sanctioned by man   I
will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane  and not
mad  as I am now   Laws and principles are not for the times when there
is no temptation  they are for such moments as this  when body and soul
rise in mutiny against their rigour  stringent are they  inviolate they
shall be   If at my individual convenience I might break them  what would
be their worth   They have a worth  so I have always believed  and if I
cannot believe it now  it is because I am insane  quite insane  with my
veins running fire  and my heart beating faster than I can count its
throbs   Preconceived opinions  foregone determinations  are all I have
at this hour to stand by  there I plant my foot  

I did   Mr  Rochester  reading my countenance  saw I had done so   His
fury was wrought to the highest  he must yield to it for a moment 
whatever followed  he crossed the floor and seized my arm and grasped my
waist   He seemed to devour me with his flaming glance  physically  I
felt  at the moment  powerless as stubble exposed to the draught and glow
of a furnace  mentally  I still possessed my soul  and with it the
certainty of ultimate safety   The soul  fortunately  has an
interpreter  often an unconscious  but still a truthful interpreter  in
the eye   My eye rose to his  and while I looked in his fierce face I
gave an involuntary sigh  his gripe was painful  and my over taxed
strength almost exhausted 

 Never   said he  as he ground his teeth   never was anything at once so
frail and so indomitable   A mere reed she feels in my hand     And he
shook me with the force of his hold     I could bend her with my finger
and thumb  and what good would it do if I bent  if I uptore  if I crushed
her   Consider that eye  consider the resolute  wild  free thing looking
out of it  defying me  with more than courage  with a stern triumph 
Whatever I do with its cage  I cannot get at it  the savage  beautiful
creature   If I tear  if I rend the slight prison  my outrage will only
let the captive loose   Conqueror I might be of the house  but the inmate
would escape to heaven before I could call myself possessor of its clay
dwelling place   And it is you  spirit  with will and energy  and virtue
and purity  that I want  not alone your brittle frame   Of yourself you
could come with soft flight and nestle against my heart  if you would 
seized against your will  you will elude the grasp like an essence  you
will vanish ere I inhale your fragrance   Oh  come  Jane  come  

As he said this  he released me from his clutch  and only looked at me 
The look was far worse to resist than the frantic strain  only an idiot 
however  would have succumbed now   I had dared and baffled his fury  I
must elude his sorrow  I retired to the door 

 You are going  Jane  

 I am going  sir  

 You are leaving me  

 Yes  

 You will not come   You will not be my comforter  my rescuer   My deep
love  my wild woe  my frantic prayer  are all nothing to you  

What unutterable pathos was in his voice   How hard it was to reiterate
firmly   I am going  

 Jane  

 Mr  Rochester  

 Withdraw  then   I consent  but remember  you leave me here in anguish 
Go up to your own room  think over all I have said  and  Jane  cast a
glance on my sufferings  think of me  

He turned away  he threw himself on his face on the sofa    Oh  Jane  my
hope  my love  my life   broke in anguish from his lips   Then came a
deep  strong sob 

I had already gained the door  but  reader  I walked back  walked back as
determinedly as I had retreated   I knelt down by him  I turned his face
from the cushion to me  I kissed his cheek  I smoothed his hair with my
hand 

 God bless you  my dear master   I said    God keep you from harm and
wrong  direct you  solace you  reward you well for your past kindness to
me  

 Little Jane s love would have been my best reward   he answered 
 without it  my heart is broken   But Jane will give me her love 
yes  nobly  generously  

Up the blood rushed to his face  forth flashed the fire from his eyes 
erect he sprang  he held his arms out  but I evaded the embrace  and at
once quitted the room 

 Farewell   was the cry of my heart as I left him   Despair added 
 Farewell for ever  

         

That night I never thought to sleep  but a slumber fell on me as soon as
I lay down in bed   I was transported in thought to the scenes of
childhood  I dreamt I lay in the red room at Gateshead  that the night
was dark  and my mind impressed with strange fears   The light that long
ago had struck me into syncope  recalled in this vision  seemed glidingly
to mount the wall  and tremblingly to pause in the centre of the obscured
ceiling   I lifted up my head to look  the roof resolved to clouds  high
and dim  the gleam was such as the moon imparts to vapours she is about
to sever   I watched her come  watched with the strangest anticipation 
as though some word of doom were to be written on her disk   She broke
forth as never moon yet burst from cloud  a hand first penetrated the
sable folds and waved them away  then  not a moon  but a white human form
shone in the azure  inclining a glorious brow earthward   It gazed and
gazed on me   It spoke to my spirit  immeasurably distant was the tone 
yet so near  it whispered in my heart  

 My daughter  flee temptation  

 Mother  I will  

So I answered after I had waked from the trance like dream   It was yet
night  but July nights are short  soon after midnight  dawn comes    It
cannot be too early to commence the task I have to fulfil   thought I   I
rose  I was dressed  for I had taken off nothing but my shoes   I knew
where to find in my drawers some linen  a locket  a ring   In seeking
these articles  I encountered the beads of a pearl necklace Mr  Rochester
had forced me to accept a few days ago   I left that  it was not mine  it
was the visionary bride s who had melted in air   The other articles I
made up in a parcel  my purse  containing twenty shillings  it was all I
had   I put in my pocket  I tied on my straw bonnet  pinned my shawl 
took the parcel and my slippers  which I would not put on yet  and stole
from my room 

 Farewell  kind Mrs  Fairfax   I whispered  as I glided past her door 
 Farewell  my darling Adele   I said  as I glanced towards the nursery 
No thought could be admitted of entering to embrace her   I had to
deceive a fine ear  for aught I knew it might now be listening 

I would have got past Mr  Rochester s chamber without a pause  but my
heart momentarily stopping its beat at that threshold  my foot was forced
to stop also   No sleep was there  the inmate was walking restlessly from
wall to wall  and again and again he sighed while I listened   There was
a heaven  a temporary heaven  in this room for me  if I chose  I had but
to go in and to say  

 Mr  Rochester  I will love you and live with you through life till
death   and a fount of rapture would spring to my lips   I thought of
this 

That kind master  who could not sleep now  was waiting with impatience
for day   He would send for me in the morning  I should be gone   He
would have me sought for  vainly   He would feel himself forsaken  his
love rejected  he would suffer  perhaps grow desperate   I thought of
this too   My hand moved towards the lock  I caught it back  and glided
on 

Drearily I wound my way downstairs  I knew what I had to do  and I did it
mechanically   I sought the key of the side door in the kitchen  I
sought  too  a phial of oil and a feather  I oiled the key and the lock 
I got some water  I got some bread  for perhaps I should have to walk
far  and my strength  sorely shaken of late  must not break down   All
this I did without one sound   I opened the door  passed out  shut it
softly   Dim dawn glimmered in the yard   The great gates were closed and
locked  but a wicket in one of them was only latched   Through that I
departed  it  too  I shut  and now I was out of Thornfield 

A mile off  beyond the fields  lay a road which stretched in the contrary
direction to Millcote  a road I had never travelled  but often noticed 
and wondered where it led  thither I bent my steps   No reflection was to
be allowed now  not one glance was to be cast back  not even one forward 
Not one thought was to be given either to the past or the future   The
first was a page so heavenly sweet  so deadly sad  that to read one line
of it would dissolve my courage and break down my energy   The last was
an awful blank  something like the world when the deluge was gone by 

I skirted fields  and hedges  and lanes till after sunrise   I believe it
was a lovely summer morning  I know my shoes  which I had put on when I
left the house  were soon wet with dew   But I looked neither to rising
sun  nor smiling sky  nor wakening nature   He who is taken out to pass
through a fair scene to the scaffold  thinks not of the flowers that
smile on his road  but of the block and axe edge  of the disseverment of
bone and vein  of the grave gaping at the end  and I thought of drear
flight and homeless wandering  and oh  with agony I thought of what I
left   I could not help it   I thought of him now  in his room  watching
the sunrise  hoping I should soon come to say I would stay with him and
be his   I longed to be his  I panted to return  it was not too late  I
could yet spare him the bitter pang of bereavement   As yet my flight  I
was sure  was undiscovered   I could go back and be his comforter  his
pride  his redeemer from misery  perhaps from ruin   Oh  that fear of his
self abandonment  far worse than my abandonment  how it goaded me   It
was a barbed arrow head in my breast  it tore me when I tried to extract
it  it sickened me when remembrance thrust it farther in   Birds began
singing in brake and copse  birds were faithful to their mates  birds
were emblems of love   What was I   In the midst of my pain of heart and
frantic effort of principle  I abhorred myself   I had no solace from
self approbation  none even from self respect   I had
injured  wounded  left my master   I was hateful in my own eyes   Still I
could not turn  nor retrace one step   God must have led me on   As to my
own will or conscience  impassioned grief had trampled one and stifled
the other   I was weeping wildly as I walked along my solitary way  fast 
fast I went like one delirious   A weakness  beginning inwardly 
extending to the limbs  seized me  and I fell  I lay on the ground some
minutes  pressing my face to the wet turf   I had some fear  or hope  that
here I should die  but I was soon up  crawling forwards on my hands and
knees  and then again raised to my feet  as eager and as determined as
ever to reach the road 

When I got there  I was forced to sit to rest me under the hedge  and
while I sat  I heard wheels  and saw a coach come on   I stood up and
lifted my hand  it stopped   I asked where it was going  the driver named
a place a long way off  and where I was sure Mr  Rochester had no
connections   I asked for what sum he would take me there  he said thirty
shillings  I answered I had but twenty  well  he would try to make it do 
He further gave me leave to get into the inside  as the vehicle was
empty  I entered  was shut in  and it rolled on its way 

Gentle reader  may you never feel what I then felt   May your eyes never
shed such stormy  scalding  heart wrung tears as poured from mine   May
you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonised as in
that hour left my lips  for never may you  like me  dread to be the
instrument of evil to what you wholly love 




CHAPTER XXVIII


Two days are passed   It is a summer evening  the coachman has set me
down at a place called Whitcross  he could take me no farther for the sum
I had given  and I was not possessed of another shilling in the world 
The coach is a mile off by this time  I am alone   At this moment I
discover that I forgot to take my parcel out of the pocket of the coach 
where I had placed it for safety  there it remains  there it must remain 
and now  I am absolutely destitute 

Whitcross is no town  nor even a hamlet  it is but a stone pillar set up
where four roads meet  whitewashed  I suppose  to be more obvious at a
distance and in darkness   Four arms spring from its summit  the nearest
town to which these point is  according to the inscription  distant ten
miles  the farthest  above twenty   From the well known names of these
towns I learn in what county I have lighted  a north midland shire  dusk
with moorland  ridged with mountain  this I see   There are great moors
behind and on each hand of me  there are waves of mountains far beyond
that deep valley at my feet   The population here must be thin  and I see
no passengers on these roads  they stretch out east  west  north  and
south  white  broad  lonely  they are all cut in the moor  and the
heather grows deep and wild to their very verge   Yet a chance traveller
might pass by  and I wish no eye to see me now  strangers would wonder
what I am doing  lingering here at the sign post  evidently objectless
and lost   I might be questioned  I could give no answer but what would
sound incredible and excite suspicion   Not a tie holds me to human
society at this moment  not a charm or hope calls me where my
fellow creatures are  none that saw me would have a kind thought or a
good wish for me   I have no relative but the universal mother  Nature  I
will seek her breast and ask repose 

I struck straight into the heath  I held on to a hollow I saw deeply
furrowing the brown moorside  I waded knee deep in its dark growth  I
turned with its turnings  and finding a moss blackened granite crag in a
hidden angle  I sat down under it   High banks of moor were about me  the
crag protected my head  the sky was over that 

Some time passed before I felt tranquil even here  I had a vague dread
that wild cattle might be near  or that some sportsman or poacher might
discover me   If a gust of wind swept the waste  I looked up  fearing it
was the rush of a bull  if a plover whistled  I imagined it a man 
Finding my apprehensions unfounded  however  and calmed by the deep
silence that reigned as evening declined at nightfall  I took confidence 
As yet I had not thought  I had only listened  watched  dreaded  now I
regained the faculty of reflection 

What was I to do   Where to go   Oh  intolerable questions  when I could
do nothing and go nowhere   when a long way must yet be measured by my
weary  trembling limbs before I could reach human habitation  when cold
charity must be entreated before I could get a lodging  reluctant
sympathy importuned  almost certain repulse incurred  before my tale
could be listened to  or one of my wants relieved 

I touched the heath  it was dry  and yet warm with the heat of the summer
day   I looked at the sky  it was pure  a kindly star twinkled just above
the chasm ridge   The dew fell  but with propitious softness  no breeze
whispered   Nature seemed to me benign and good  I thought she loved me 
outcast as I was  and I  who from man could anticipate only mistrust 
rejection  insult  clung to her with filial fondness   To night  at
least  I would be her guest  as I was her child  my mother would lodge me
without money and without price   I had one morsel of bread yet  the
remnant of a roll I had bought in a town we passed through at noon with a
stray penny  my last coin   I saw ripe bilberries gleaming here and
there  like jet beads in the heath  I gathered a handful and ate them
with the bread   My hunger  sharp before  was  if not satisfied  appeased
by this hermit s meal   I said my evening prayers at its conclusion  and
then chose my couch 

 I said my evening prayers  p311 jpg 

Beside the crag the heath was very deep  when I lay down my feet were
buried in it  rising high on each side  it left only a narrow space for
the night air to invade   I folded my shawl double  and spread it over me
for a coverlet  a low  mossy swell was my pillow   Thus lodged  I was
not  at least  at the commencement of the night  cold 

My rest might have been blissful enough  only a sad heart broke it   It
plained of its gaping wounds  its inward bleeding  its riven chords   It
trembled for Mr  Rochester and his doom  it bemoaned him with bitter
pity  it demanded him with ceaseless longing  and  impotent as a bird
with both wings broken  it still quivered its shattered pinions in vain
attempts to seek him 

Worn out with this torture of thought  I rose to my knees   Night was
come  and her planets were risen  a safe  still night  too serene for the
companionship of fear   We know that God is everywhere  but certainly we
feel His presence most when His works are on the grandest scale spread
before us  and it is in the unclouded night sky  where His worlds wheel
their silent course  that we read clearest His infinitude  His
omnipotence  His omnipresence   I had risen to my knees to pray for Mr 
Rochester   Looking up  I  with tear dimmed eyes  saw the mighty Milky 
way   Remembering what it was  what countless systems there swept space
like a soft trace of light  I felt the might and strength of God   Sure
was I of His efficiency to save what He had made  convinced I grew that
neither earth should perish  nor one of the souls it treasured   I turned
my prayer to thanksgiving  the Source of Life was also the Saviour of
spirits   Mr  Rochester was safe  he was God s  and by God would he be
guarded   I again nestled to the breast of the hill  and ere long in
sleep forgot sorrow 

But next day  Want came to me pale and bare   Long after the little birds
had left their nests  long after bees had come in the sweet prime of day
to gather the heath honey before the dew was dried  when the long morning
shadows were curtailed  and the sun filled earth and sky  I got up  and I
looked round me 

What a still  hot  perfect day   What a golden desert this spreading
moor   Everywhere sunshine   I wished I could live in it and on it   I
saw a lizard run over the crag  I saw a bee busy among the sweet
bilberries   I would fain at the moment have become bee or lizard  that I
might have found fitting nutriment  permanent shelter here   But I was a
human being  and had a human being s wants  I must not linger where there
was nothing to supply them   I rose  I looked back at the bed I had left 
Hopeless of the future  I wished but this  that my Maker had that night
thought good to require my soul of me while I slept  and that this weary
frame  absolved by death from further conflict with fate  had now but to
decay quietly  and mingle in peace with the soil of this wilderness 
Life  however  was yet in my possession  with all its requirements  and
pains  and responsibilities   The burden must be carried  the want
provided for  the suffering endured  the responsibility fulfilled   I set
out 

Whitcross regained  I followed a road which led from the sun  now fervent
and high   By no other circumstance had I will to decide my choice   I
walked a long time  and when I thought I had nearly done enough  and
might conscientiously yield to the fatigue that almost overpowered
me  might relax this forced action  and  sitting down on a stone I saw
near  submit resistlessly to the apathy that clogged heart and limb  I
heard a bell chime  a church bell 

I turned in the direction of the sound  and there  amongst the romantic
hills  whose changes and aspect I had ceased to note an hour ago  I saw a
hamlet and a spire   All the valley at my right hand was full of pasture 
fields  and cornfields  and wood  and a glittering stream ran zig zag
through the varied shades of green  the mellowing grain  the sombre
woodland  the clear and sunny lea   Recalled by the rumbling of wheels to
the road before me  I saw a heavily laden waggon labouring up the hill 
and not far beyond were two cows and their drover   Human life and human
labour were near   I must struggle on  strive to live and bend to toil
like the rest 

About two o clock p m  I entered the village   At the bottom of its one
street there was a little shop with some cakes of bread in the window   I
coveted a cake of bread   With that refreshment I could perhaps regain a
degree of energy  without it  it would be difficult to proceed   The wish
to have some strength and some vigour returned to me as soon as I was
amongst my fellow beings   I felt it would be degrading to faint with
hunger on the causeway of a hamlet   Had I nothing about me I could offer
in exchange for one of these rolls   I considered   I had a small silk
handkerchief tied round my throat  I had my gloves   I could hardly tell
how men and women in extremities of destitution proceeded   I did not
know whether either of these articles would be accepted  probably they
would not  but I must try 

I entered the shop  a woman was there   Seeing a respectably dressed
person  a lady as she supposed  she came forward with civility   How
could she serve me   I was seized with shame  my tongue would not utter
the request I had prepared   I dared not offer her the half worn gloves 
the creased handkerchief  besides  I felt it would be absurd   I only
begged permission to sit down a moment  as I was tired   Disappointed in
the expectation of a customer  she coolly acceded to my request   She
pointed to a seat  I sank into it   I felt sorely urged to weep  but
conscious how unseasonable such a manifestation would be  I restrained
it   Soon I asked her  if there were any dressmaker or plain workwoman in
the village  

 Yes  two or three   Quite as many as there was employment for  

I reflected   I was driven to the point now   I was brought face to face
with Necessity   I stood in the position of one without a resource 
without a friend  without a coin   I must do something   What   I must
apply somewhere   Where 

 Did she know of any place in the neighbourhood where a servant was
wanted  

 Nay  she couldn t say  

 What was the chief trade in this place   What did most of the people
do  

 Some were farm labourers  a good deal worked at Mr  Oliver s
needle factory  and at the foundry  

 Did Mr  Oliver employ women  

 Nay  it was men s work  

 And what do the women do  

 I knawn t   was the answer    Some does one thing  and some another 
Poor folk mun get on as they can  

She seemed to be tired of my questions  and  indeed  what claim had I to
importune her   A neighbour or two came in  my chair was evidently
wanted   I took leave 

I passed up the street  looking as I went at all the houses to the right
hand and to the left  but I could discover no pretext  nor see an
inducement to enter any   I rambled round the hamlet  going sometimes to
a little distance and returning again  for an hour or more   Much
exhausted  and suffering greatly now for want of food  I turned aside
into a lane and sat down under the hedge   Ere many minutes had elapsed 
I was again on my feet  however  and again searching something  a
resource  or at least an informant   A pretty little house stood at the
top of the lane  with a garden before it  exquisitely neat and
brilliantly blooming   I stopped at it   What business had I to approach
the white door or touch the glittering knocker   In what way could it
possibly be the interest of the inhabitants of that dwelling to serve me 
Yet I drew near and knocked   A mild looking  cleanly attired young woman
opened the door   In such a voice as might be expected from a hopeless
heart and fainting frame  a voice wretchedly low and faltering  I asked
if a servant was wanted here 

 No   said she   we do not keep a servant  

 Can you tell me where I could get employment of any kind   I continued 
 I am a stranger  without acquaintance in this place   I want some work 
no matter what  

But it was not her business to think for me  or to seek a place for me 
besides  in her eyes  how doubtful must have appeared my character 
position  tale   She shook her head  she  was sorry she could give me no
information   and the white door closed  quite gently and civilly  but it
shut me out   If she had held it open a little longer  I believe I should
have begged a piece of bread  for I was now brought low 

I could not bear to return to the sordid village  where  besides  no
prospect of aid was visible   I should have longed rather to deviate to a
wood I saw not far off  which appeared in its thick shade to offer
inviting shelter  but I was so sick  so weak  so gnawed with nature s
cravings  instinct kept me roaming round abodes where there was a chance
of food   Solitude would be no solitude  rest no rest  while the vulture 
hunger  thus sank beak and talons in my side 

I drew near houses  I left them  and came back again  and again I
wandered away  always repelled by the consciousness of having no claim to
ask  no right to expect interest in my isolated lot   Meantime  the
afternoon advanced  while I thus wandered about like a lost and starving
dog   In crossing a field  I saw the church spire before me  I hastened
towards it   Near the churchyard  and in the middle of a garden  stood a
well built though small house  which I had no doubt was the parsonage   I
remembered that strangers who arrive at a place where they have no
friends  and who want employment  sometimes apply to the clergyman for
introduction and aid   It is the clergyman s function to help  at least
with advice  those who wished to help themselves   I seemed to have
something like a right to seek counsel here   Renewing then my courage 
and gathering my feeble remains of strength  I pushed on   I reached the
house  and knocked at the kitchen door   An old woman opened  I asked was
this the parsonage 

 Yes  

 Was the clergyman in  

 No  

 Would he be in soon  

 No  he was gone from home  

 To a distance  

 Not so far  happen three mile   He had been called away by the sudden
death of his father  he was at Marsh End now  and would very likely stay
there a fortnight longer  

 Was there any lady of the house  

 Nay  there was naught but her  and she was housekeeper   and of her 
reader  I could not bear to ask the relief for want of which I was
sinking  I could not yet beg  and again I crawled away 

Once more I took off my handkerchief  once more I thought of the cakes of
bread in the little shop   Oh  for but a crust  for but one mouthful to
allay the pang of famine   Instinctively I turned my face again to the
village  I found the shop again  and I went in  and though others were
there besides the woman I ventured the request   Would she give me a roll
for this handkerchief  

She looked at me with evident suspicion   Nay  she never sold stuff i 
that way  

Almost desperate  I asked for half a cake  she again refused    How could
she tell where I had got the handkerchief   she said 

 Would she take my gloves  

 No  what could she do with them  

Reader  it is not pleasant to dwell on these details   Some say there is
enjoyment in looking back to painful experience past  but at this day I
can scarcely bear to review the times to which I allude  the moral
degradation  blent with the physical suffering  form too distressing a
recollection ever to be willingly dwelt on   I blamed none of those who
repulsed me   I felt it was what was to be expected  and what could not
be helped  an ordinary beggar is frequently an object of suspicion  a
well dressed beggar inevitably so   To be sure  what I begged was
employment  but whose business was it to provide me with employment   Not 
certainly  that of persons who saw me then for the first time  and who
knew nothing about my character   And as to the woman who would not take
my handkerchief in exchange for her bread  why  she was right  if the
offer appeared to her sinister or the exchange unprofitable   Let me
condense now   I am sick of the subject 

A little before dark I passed a farm house  at the open door of which the
farmer was sitting  eating his supper of bread and cheese   I stopped and
said  

 Will you give me a piece of bread  for I am very hungry    He cast on me
a glance of surprise  but without answering  he cut a thick slice from
his loaf  and gave it to me   I imagine he did not think I was a beggar 
but only an eccentric sort of lady  who had taken a fancy to his brown
loaf   As soon as I was out of sight of his house  I sat down and ate it 

I could not hope to get a lodging under a roof  and sought it in the wood
I have before alluded to   But my night was wretched  my rest broken  the
ground was damp  the air cold  besides  intruders passed near me more
than once  and I had again and again to change my quarters  no sense of
safety or tranquillity befriended me   Towards morning it rained  the
whole of the following day was wet   Do not ask me  reader  to give a
minute account of that day  as before  I sought work  as before  I was
repulsed  as before  I starved  but once did food pass my lips   At the
door of a cottage I saw a little girl about to throw a mess of cold
porridge into a pig trough    Will you give me that   I asked 

  Will you give me that    I asked  p316 jpg 

She stared at me    Mother   she exclaimed   there is a woman wants me to
give her these porridge  

 Well lass   replied a voice within   give it her if she s a beggar   T 
pig doesn t want it  

The girl emptied the stiffened mould into my hand  and I devoured it
ravenously 

As the wet twilight deepened  I stopped in a solitary bridle path  which
I had been pursuing an hour or more 

 My strength is quite failing me   I said in a soliloquy    I feel I
cannot go much farther   Shall I be an outcast again this night   While
the rain descends so  must I lay my head on the cold  drenched ground   I
fear I cannot do otherwise  for who will receive me   But it will be very
dreadful  with this feeling of hunger  faintness  chill  and this sense
of desolation  this total prostration of hope   In all likelihood 
though  I should die before morning   And why cannot I reconcile myself
to the prospect of death   Why do I struggle to retain a valueless life 
Because I know  or believe  Mr  Rochester is living  and then  to die of
want and cold is a fate to which nature cannot submit passively   Oh 
Providence  sustain me a little longer   Aid   direct me  

My glazed eye wandered over the dim and misty landscape   I saw I had
strayed far from the village  it was quite out of sight   The very
cultivation surrounding it had disappeared   I had  by cross ways and by 
paths  once more drawn near the tract of moorland  and now  only a few
fields  almost as wild and unproductive as the heath from which they were
scarcely reclaimed  lay between me and the dusky hill 

 Well  I would rather die yonder than in a street or on a frequented
road   I reflected    And far better that crows and ravens  if any ravens
there be in these regions  should pick my flesh from my bones  than that
they should be prisoned in a workhouse coffin and moulder in a pauper s
grave  

To the hill  then  I turned   I reached it   It remained now only to find
a hollow where I could lie down  and feel at least hidden  if not secure 
But all the surface of the waste looked level   It showed no variation
but of tint  green  where rush and moss overgrew the marshes  black 
where the dry soil bore only heath   Dark as it was getting  I could
still see these changes  though but as mere alternations of light and
shade  for colour had faded with the daylight 

My eye still roved over the sullen swell and along the moor edge 
vanishing amidst the wildest scenery  when at one dim point  far in among
the marshes and the ridges  a light sprang up    That is an  ignis
fatuus    was my first thought  and I expected it would soon vanish   It
burnt on  however  quite steadily  neither receding nor advancing    Is
it  then  a bonfire just kindled   I questioned   I watched to see
whether it would spread  but no  as it did not diminish  so it did not
enlarge    It may be a candle in a house   I then conjectured   but if
so  I can never reach it   It is much too far away  and were it within a
yard of me  what would it avail   I should but knock at the door to have
it shut in my face  

And I sank down where I stood  and hid my face against the ground   I lay
still a while  the night wind swept over the hill and over me  and died
moaning in the distance  the rain fell fast  wetting me afresh to the
skin   Could I but have stiffened to the still frost  the friendly
numbness of death  it might have pelted on  I should not have felt it 
but my yet living flesh shuddered at its chilling influence   I rose ere
long 

The light was yet there  shining dim but constant through the rain   I
tried to walk again  I dragged my exhausted limbs slowly towards it   It
led me aslant over the hill  through a wide bog  which would have been
impassable in winter  and was splashy and shaking even now  in the height
of summer   Here I fell twice  but as often I rose and rallied my
faculties   This light was my forlorn hope  I must gain it 

Having crossed the marsh  I saw a trace of white over the moor   I
approached it  it was a road or a track  it led straight up to the light 
which now beamed from a sort of knoll  amidst a clump of trees  firs 
apparently  from what I could distinguish of the character of their forms
and foliage through the gloom   My star vanished as I drew near  some
obstacle had intervened between me and it   I put out my hand to feel the
dark mass before me  I discriminated the rough stones of a low wall  above
it  something like palisades  and within  a high and prickly hedge   I
groped on   Again a whitish object gleamed before me  it was a gate  a
wicket  it moved on its hinges as I touched it   On each side stood a
sable bush holly or yew 

Entering the gate and passing the shrubs  the silhouette of a house rose
to view  black  low  and rather long  but the guiding light shone
nowhere   All was obscurity   Were the inmates retired to rest   I feared
it must be so   In seeking the door  I turned an angle  there shot out
the friendly gleam again  from the lozenged panes of a very small
latticed window  within a foot of the ground  made still smaller by the
growth of ivy or some other creeping plant  whose leaves clustered thick
over the portion of the house wall in which it was set   The aperture was
so screened and narrow  that curtain or shutter had been deemed
unnecessary  and when I stooped down and put aside the spray of foliage
shooting over it  I could see all within   I could see clearly a room
with a sanded floor  clean scoured  a dresser of walnut  with pewter
plates ranged in rows  reflecting the redness and radiance of a glowing
peat fire   I could see a clock  a white deal table  some chairs   The
candle  whose ray had been my beacon  burnt on the table  and by its
light an elderly woman  somewhat rough looking  but scrupulously clean 
like all about her  was knitting a stocking 

I noticed these objects cursorily only  in them there was nothing
extraordinary   A group of more interest appeared near the hearth 
sitting still amidst the rosy peace and warmth suffusing it   Two young 
graceful women  ladies in every point  sat  one in a low rocking chair 
the other on a lower stool  both wore deep mourning of crape and
bombazeen  which sombre garb singularly set off very fair necks and
faces  a large old pointer dog rested its massive head on the knee of one
girl  in the lap of the other was cushioned a black cat 

A strange place was this humble kitchen for such occupants   Who were
they   They could not be the daughters of the elderly person at the
table  for she looked like a rustic  and they were all delicacy and
cultivation   I had nowhere seen such faces as theirs  and yet  as I
gazed on them  I seemed intimate with every lineament   I cannot call
them handsome  they were too pale and grave for the word  as they each
bent over a book  they looked thoughtful almost to severity   A stand
between them supported a second candle and two great volumes  to which
they frequently referred  comparing them  seemingly  with the smaller
books they held in their hands  like people consulting a dictionary to
aid them in the task of translation   This scene was as silent as if all
the figures had been shadows and the firelit apartment a picture  so
hushed was it  I could hear the cinders fall from the grate  the clock
tick in its obscure corner  and I even fancied I could distinguish the
click click of the woman s knitting needles   When  therefore  a voice
broke the strange stillness at last  it was audible enough to me 

 Listen  Diana   said one of the absorbed students   Franz and old Daniel
are together in the night time  and Franz is telling a dream from which
he has awakened in terror  listen    And in a low voice she read
something  of which not one word was intelligible to me  for it was in an
unknown tongue  neither French nor Latin   Whether it were Greek or
German I could not tell 

 That is strong   she said  when she had finished   I relish it    The
other girl  who had lifted her head to listen to her sister  repeated 
while she gazed at the fire  a line of what had been read   At a later
day  I knew the language and the book  therefore  I will here quote the
line  though  when I first heard it  it was only like a stroke on
sounding brass to me  conveying no meaning   

  Da trat hervor Einer  anzusehen wie die Sternen Nacht    Good  good  
she exclaimed  while her dark and deep eye sparkled    There you have a
dim and mighty archangel fitly set before you   The line is worth a
hundred pages of fustian    Ich wage die Gedanken in der Schale meines
Zornes und die Werke mit dem Gewichte meines Grimms    I like it  

Both were again silent 

 Is there ony country where they talk i  that way   asked the old woman 
looking up from her knitting 

 Yes  Hannah  a far larger country than England  where they talk in no
other way  

 Well  for sure case  I knawn t how they can understand t  one t other 
and if either o  ye went there  ye could tell what they said  I guess  

 We could probably tell something of what they said  but not all  for we
are not as clever as you think us  Hannah   We don t speak German  and we
cannot read it without a dictionary to help us  

 And what good does it do you  

 We mean to teach it some time  or at least the elements  as they say 
and then we shall get more money than we do now  

 Varry like  but give ower studying  ye ve done enough for to night  

 I think we have  at least I m tired   Mary  are you  

 Mortally  after all  it s tough work fagging away at a language with no
master but a lexicon  

 It is  especially such a language as this crabbed but glorious Deutsch 
I wonder when St  John will come home  

 Surely he will not be long now  it is just ten  looking at a little gold
watch she drew from her girdle    It rains fast  Hannah  will you have
the goodness to look at the fire in the parlour  

The woman rose  she opened a door  through which I dimly saw a passage 
soon I heard her stir a fire in an inner room  she presently came back 

 Ah  childer   said she   it fair troubles me to go into yond  room now 
it looks so lonesome wi  the chair empty and set back in a corner  

She wiped her eyes with her apron  the two girls  grave before  looked
sad now 

 But he is in a better place   continued Hannah   we shouldn t wish him
here again   And then  nobody need to have a quieter death nor he had  

 You say he never mentioned us   inquired one of the ladies 

 He hadn t time  bairn  he was gone in a minute  was your father   He had
been a bit ailing like the day before  but naught to signify  and when
Mr  St  John asked if he would like either o  ye to be sent for  he fair
laughed at him   He began again with a bit of a heaviness in his head the
next day  that is  a fortnight sin   and he went to sleep and niver
wakened  he wor a most stark when your brother went into t  chamber and
fand him   Ah  childer  that s t  last o  t  old stock  for ye and Mr 
St  John is like of different soart to them  at s gone  for all your
mother wor mich i  your way  and a most as book learned   She wor the
pictur  o  ye  Mary  Diana is more like your father  

I thought them so similar I could not tell where the old servant  for
such I now concluded her to be  saw the difference   Both were fair
complexioned and slenderly made  both possessed faces full of distinction
and intelligence   One  to be sure  had hair a shade darker than the
other  and there was a difference in their style of wearing it  Mary s
pale brown locks were parted and braided smooth  Diana s duskier tresses
covered her neck with thick curls   The clock struck ten 

 Ye ll want your supper  I am sure   observed Hannah   and so will Mr 
St  John when he comes in  

And she proceeded to prepare the meal   The ladies rose  they seemed
about to withdraw to the parlour   Till this moment  I had been so intent
on watching them  their appearance and conversation had excited in me so
keen an interest  I had half forgotten my own wretched position  now it
recurred to me   More desolate  more desperate than ever  it seemed from
contrast   And how impossible did it appear to touch the inmates of this
house with concern on my behalf  to make them believe in the truth of my
wants and woes  to induce them to vouchsafe a rest for my wanderings   As
I groped out the door  and knocked at it hesitatingly  I felt that last
idea to be a mere chimera   Hannah opened 

 What do you want   she inquired  in a voice of surprise  as she surveyed
me by the light of the candle she held 

 May I speak to your mistresses   I said 

 You had better tell me what you have to say to them   Where do you come
from  

 I am a stranger  

 What is your business here at this hour  

 I want a night s shelter in an out house or anywhere  and a morsel of
bread to eat  

Distrust  the very feeling I dreaded  appeared in Hannah s face    I ll
give you a piece of bread   she said  after a pause   but we can t take
in a vagrant to lodge   It isn t likely  

 Do let me speak to your mistresses  

 No  not I   What can they do for you   You should not be roving about
now  it looks very ill  

 But where shall I go if you drive me away   What shall I do  

 Oh  I ll warrant you know where to go and what to do   Mind you don t do
wrong  that s all   Here is a penny  now go   

 A penny cannot feed me  and I have no strength to go farther   Don t
shut the door   oh  don t  for God s sake  

 I must  the rain is driving in   

 Tell the young ladies   Let me see them   

 Indeed  I will not   You are not what you ought to be  or you wouldn t
make such a noise   Move off  

 But I must die if I am turned away  

 Not you   I m fear d you have some ill plans agate  that bring you about
folk s houses at this time o  night   If you ve any
followers  housebreakers or such like  anywhere near  you may tell them
we are not by ourselves in the house  we have a gentleman  and dogs  and
guns    Here the honest but inflexible servant clapped the door to and
bolted it within 

This was the climax   A pang of exquisite suffering  a throe of true
despair  rent and heaved my heart   Worn out  indeed  I was  not another
step could I stir   I sank on the wet doorstep  I groaned  I wrung my
hands  I wept in utter anguish   Oh  this spectre of death   Oh  this
last hour  approaching in such horror   Alas  this isolation  this
banishment from my kind   Not only the anchor of hope  but the footing of
fortitude was gone  at least for a moment  but the last I soon
endeavoured to regain 

 I can but die   I said   and I believe in God   Let me try to wait His
will in silence  

These words I not only thought  but uttered  and thrusting back all my
misery into my heart  I made an effort to compel it to remain there  dumb
and still 

 All men must die   said a voice quite close at hand   but all are not
condemned to meet a lingering and premature doom  such as yours would be
if you perished here of want  

 Who or what speaks   I asked  terrified at the unexpected sound  and
incapable now of deriving from any occurrence a hope of aid   A form was
near  what form  the pitch dark night and my enfeebled vision prevented
me from distinguishing   With a loud long knock  the new comer appealed
to the door 

 Is it you  Mr  St  John   cried Hannah 

 Yes  yes  open quickly  

 Well  how wet and cold you must be  such a wild night as it is   Come
in  your sisters are quite uneasy about you  and I believe there are bad
folks about   There has been a beggar woman  I declare she is not gone
yet   laid down there   Get up  for shame   Move off  I say  

 Hush  Hannah   I have a word to say to the woman   You have done your
duty in excluding  now let me do mine in admitting her   I was near  and
listened to both you and her   I think this is a peculiar case  I must at
least examine into it   Young woman  rise  and pass before me into the
house  

 Hush  Hannah  I have a word to say to the woman  p323 jpg 

With difficulty I obeyed him   Presently I stood within that clean 
bright kitchen  on the very hearth  trembling  sickening  conscious of an
aspect in the last degree ghastly  wild  and weather beaten   The two
ladies  their brother  Mr  St  John  the old servant  were all gazing at
me 

 St  John  who is it   I heard one ask 

 I cannot tell  I found her at the door   was the reply 

 She does look white   said Hannah 

 As white as clay or death   was responded    She will fall  let her
sit  

And indeed my head swam  I dropped  but a chair received me   I still
possessed my senses  though just now I could not speak 

 Perhaps a little water would restore her   Hannah  fetch some   But she
is worn to nothing   How very thin  and how very bloodless  

 A mere spectre  

 Is she ill  or only famished  

 Famished  I think   Hannah  is that milk   Give it me  and a piece of
bread  

Diana  I knew her by the long curls which I saw drooping between me and
the fire as she bent over me  broke some bread  dipped it in milk  and
put it to my lips   Her face was near mine  I saw there was pity in it 
and I felt sympathy in her hurried breathing   In her simple words  too 
the same balm like emotion spoke   Try to eat  

 Yes  try   repeated Mary gently  and Mary s hand removed my sodden
bonnet and lifted my head   I tasted what they offered me  feebly at
first  eagerly soon 

 Not too much at first  restrain her   said the brother   she has had
enough    And he withdrew the cup of milk and the plate of bread 

 A little more  St  John  look at the avidity in her eyes  

 No more at present  sister   Try if she can speak now  ask her her
name  

I felt I could speak  and I answered   My name is Jane Elliott    Anxious
as ever to avoid discovery  I had before resolved to assume an  alias  

 And where do you live   Where are your friends  

I was silent 

 Can we send for any one you know  

I shook my head 

 What account can you give of yourself  

Somehow  now that I had once crossed the threshold of this house  and
once was brought face to face with its owners  I felt no longer outcast 
vagrant  and disowned by the wide world   I dared to put off the
mendicant  to resume my natural manner and character   I began once more
to know myself  and when Mr  St  John demanded an account  which at
present I was far too weak to render  I said after a brief pause  

 Sir  I can give you no details to night  

 But what  then   said he   do you expect me to do for you  

 Nothing   I replied   My strength sufficed for but short answers   Diana
took the word  

 Do you mean   she asked   that we have now given you what aid you
require  and that we may dismiss you to the moor and the rainy night  

I looked at her   She had  I thought  a remarkable countenance  instinct
both with power and goodness   I took sudden courage   Answering her
compassionate gaze with a smile  I said   I will trust you   If I were a
masterless and stray dog  I know that you would not turn me from your
hearth to night  as it is  I really have no fear   Do with me and for me
as you like  but excuse me from much discourse  my breath is short  I
feel a spasm when I speak    All three surveyed me  and all three were
silent 

 Hannah   said Mr  St  John  at last   let her sit there at present  and
ask her no questions  in ten minutes more  give her the remainder of that
milk and bread   Mary and Diana  let us go into the parlour and talk the
matter over  

They withdrew   Very soon one of the ladies returned  I could not tell
which   A kind of pleasant stupor was stealing over me as I sat by the
genial fire   In an undertone she gave some directions to Hannah   Ere
long  with the servant s aid  I contrived to mount a staircase  my
dripping clothes were removed  soon a warm  dry bed received me   I
thanked God  experienced amidst unutterable exhaustion a glow of grateful
joy  and slept 




CHAPTER XXIX


The recollection of about three days and nights succeeding this is very
dim in my mind   I can recall some sensations felt in that interval  but
few thoughts framed  and no actions performed   I knew I was in a small
room and in a narrow bed   To that bed I seemed to have grown  I lay on
it motionless as a stone  and to have torn me from it would have been
almost to kill me   I took no note of the lapse of time  of the change
from morning to noon  from noon to evening   I observed when any one
entered or left the apartment  I could even tell who they were  I could
understand what was said when the speaker stood near to me  but I could
not answer  to open my lips or move my limbs was equally impossible 
Hannah  the servant  was my most frequent visitor   Her coming disturbed
me   I had a feeling that she wished me away  that she did not understand
me or my circumstances  that she was prejudiced against me   Diana and
Mary appeared in the chamber once or twice a day   They would whisper
sentences of this sort at my bedside  

 It is very well we took her in  

 Yes  she would certainly have been found dead at the door in the morning
had she been left out all night   I wonder what she has gone through  

 Strange hardships  I imagine  poor  emaciated  pallid wanderer  

 She is not an uneducated person  I should think  by her manner of
speaking  her accent was quite pure  and the clothes she took off  though
splashed and wet  were little worn and fine  

 She has a peculiar face  fleshless and haggard as it is  I rather like
it  and when in good health and animated  I can fancy her physiognomy
would be agreeable  

Never once in their dialogues did I hear a syllable of regret at the
hospitality they had extended to me  or of suspicion of  or aversion to 
myself   I was comforted 

Mr  St  John came but once  he looked at me  and said my state of
lethargy was the result of reaction from excessive and protracted
fatigue   He pronounced it needless to send for a doctor  nature  he was
sure  would manage best  left to herself   He said every nerve had been
overstrained in some way  and the whole system must sleep torpid a while 
There was no disease   He imagined my recovery would be rapid enough when
once commenced   These opinions he delivered in a few words  in a quiet 
low voice  and added  after a pause  in the tone of a man little
accustomed to expansive comment   Rather an unusual physiognomy 
certainly  not indicative of vulgarity or degradation  

 Far otherwise   responded Diana    To speak truth  St  John  my heart
rather warms to the poor little soul   I wish we may be able to benefit
her permanently  

 That is hardly likely   was the reply    You will find she is some young
lady who has had a misunderstanding with her friends  and has probably
injudiciously left them   We may  perhaps  succeed in restoring her to
them  if she is not obstinate  but I trace lines of force in her face
which make me sceptical of her tractability    He stood considering me
some minutes  then added   She looks sensible  but not at all handsome  

 She is so ill  St  John  

 Ill or well  she would always be plain   The grace and harmony of beauty
are quite wanting in those features  

On the third day I was better  on the fourth  I could speak  move  rise
in bed  and turn   Hannah had brought me some gruel and dry toast  about 
as I supposed  the dinner hour   I had eaten with relish  the food was
good  void of the feverish flavour which had hitherto poisoned what I had
swallowed   When she left me  I felt comparatively strong and revived 
ere long satiety of repose and desire for action stirred me   I wished to
rise  but what could I put on   Only my damp and bemired apparel  in
which I had slept on the ground and fallen in the marsh   I felt ashamed
to appear before my benefactors so clad   I was spared the humiliation 

On a chair by the bedside were all my own things  clean and dry   My
black silk frock hung against the wall   The traces of the bog were
removed from it  the creases left by the wet smoothed out  it was quite
decent   My very shoes and stockings were purified and rendered
presentable   There were the means of washing in the room  and a comb and
brush to smooth my hair   After a weary process  and resting every five
minutes  I succeeded in dressing myself   My clothes hung loose on me 
for I was much wasted  but I covered deficiencies with a shawl  and once
more  clean and respectable looking  no speck of the dirt  no trace of
the disorder I so hated  and which seemed so to degrade me  left  I crept
down a stone staircase with the aid of the banisters  to a narrow low
passage  and found my way presently to the kitchen 

It was full of the fragrance of new bread and the warmth of a generous
fire   Hannah was baking   Prejudices  it is well known  are most
difficult to eradicate from the heart whose soil has never been loosened
or fertilised by education  they grow there  firm as weeds among stones 
Hannah had been cold and stiff  indeed  at the first  latterly she had
begun to relent a little  and when she saw me come in tidy and
well dressed  she even smiled 

 What  you have got up   she said    You are better  then   You may sit
you down in my chair on the hearthstone  if you will  

She pointed to the rocking chair  I took it   She bustled about 
examining me every now and then with the corner of her eye   Turning to
me  as she took some loaves from the oven  she asked bluntly  

 Did you ever go a begging afore you came here  

I was indignant for a moment  but remembering that anger was out of the
question  and that I had indeed appeared as a beggar to her  I answered
quietly  but still not without a certain marked firmness  

 You are mistaken in supposing me a beggar   I am no beggar  any more
than yourself or your young ladies  

After a pause she said   I dunnut understand that  you ve like no house 
nor no brass  I guess  

 The want of house or brass  by which I suppose you mean money  does not
make a beggar in your sense of the word  

 Are you book learned   she inquired presently 

 Yes  very  

 But you ve never been to a boarding school  

 I was at a boarding school eight years  

She opened her eyes wide    Whatever cannot ye keep yourself for  then  

 I have kept myself  and  I trust  shall keep myself again   What are you
going to do with these gooseberries   I inquired  as she brought out a
basket of the fruit 

 Mak   em into pies  

 Give them to me and I ll pick them  

 Nay  I dunnut want ye to do nought  

 But I must do something   Let me have them  

She consented  and she even brought me a clean towel to spread over my
dress   lest   as she said   I should mucky it  

 Ye ve not been used to sarvant s wark  I see by your hands   she
remarked    Happen ye ve been a dressmaker  

 No  you are wrong   And now  never mind what I have been  don t trouble
your head further about me  but tell me the name of the house where we
are  

 Some calls it Marsh End  and some calls it Moor House  

 And the gentleman who lives here is called Mr  St  John  

 Nay  he doesn t live here  he is only staying a while   When he is at
home  he is in his own parish at Morton  

 That village a few miles off 

 Aye  

 And what is he  

 He is a parson  

I remembered the answer of the old housekeeper at the parsonage  when I
had asked to see the clergyman    This  then  was his father s
residence  

 Aye  old Mr  Rivers lived here  and his father  and grandfather  and
gurt  great  grandfather afore him  

 The name  then  of that gentleman  is Mr  St  John Rivers  

 Aye  St  John is like his kirstened name  

 And his sisters are called Diana and Mary Rivers  

 Yes  

 Their father is dead  

 Dead three weeks sin  of a stroke  

 They have no mother  

 The mistress has been dead this mony a year  

 Have you lived with the family long  

 I ve lived here thirty year   I nursed them all three  

 That proves you must have been an honest and faithful servant   I will
say so much for you  though you have had the incivility to call me a
beggar  

She again regarded me with a surprised stare    I believe   she said   I
was quite mista en in my thoughts of you  but there is so mony cheats
goes about  you mun forgie me  

 And though   I continued  rather severely   you wished to turn me from
the door  on a night when you should not have shut out a dog  

 Well  it was hard  but what can a body do   I thought more o  th 
childer nor of mysel  poor things   They ve like nobody to tak  care on
 em but me   I m like to look sharpish  

I maintained a grave silence for some minutes 

 You munnut think too hardly of me   she again remarked 

 But I do think hardly of you   I said   and I ll tell you why  not so
much because you refused to give me shelter  or regarded me as an
impostor  as because you just now made it a species of reproach that I
had no  brass  and no house   Some of the best people that ever lived
have been as destitute as I am  and if you are a Christian  you ought not
to consider poverty a crime  

 No more I ought   said she   Mr  St  John tells me so too  and I see I
wor wrang  but I ve clear a different notion on you now to what I had 
You look a raight down dacent little crater  

 That will do  I forgive you now   Shake hands  

She put her floury and horny hand into mine  another and heartier smile
illumined her rough face  and from that moment we were friends 

Hannah was evidently fond of talking   While I picked the fruit  and she
made the paste for the pies  she proceeded to give me sundry details
about her deceased master and mistress  and  the childer   as she called
the young people 

Old Mr  Rivers  she said  was a plain man enough  but a gentleman  and of
as ancient a family as could be found   Marsh End had belonged to the
Rivers ever since it was a house  and it was  she affirmed   aboon two
hundred year old  for all it looked but a small  humble place  naught to
compare wi  Mr  Oliver s grand hall down i  Morton Vale   But she could
remember Bill Oliver s father a journeyman needlemaker  and th  Rivers
wor gentry i  th  owd days o  th  Henrys  as onybody might see by looking
into th  registers i  Morton Church vestry    Still  she allowed   the
owd maister was like other folk  naught mich out o  t  common way  stark
mad o  shooting  and farming  and sich like    The mistress was
different   She was a great reader  and studied a deal  and the  bairns 
had taken after her   There was nothing like them in these parts  nor
ever had been  they had liked learning  all three  almost from the time
they could speak  and they had always been  of a mak  of their own    Mr 
St  John  when he grew up  would go to college and be a parson  and the
girls  as soon as they left school  would seek places as governesses  for
they had told her their father had some years ago lost a great deal of
money by a man he had trusted turning bankrupt  and as he was now not
rich enough to give them fortunes  they must provide for themselves   They
had lived very little at home for a long while  and were only come now to
stay a few weeks on account of their father s death  but they did so like
Marsh End and Morton  and all these moors and hills about   They had been
in London  and many other grand towns  but they always said there was no
place like home  and then they were so agreeable with each other  never
fell out nor  threaped    She did not know where there was such a family
for being united 

Having finished my task of gooseberry picking  I asked where the two
ladies and their brother were now 

 Gone over to Morton for a walk  but they would be back in half an hour
to tea  

They returned within the time Hannah had allotted them  they entered by
the kitchen door   Mr  St  John  when he saw me  merely bowed and passed
through  the two ladies stopped  Mary  in a few words  kindly and calmly
expressed the pleasure she felt in seeing me well enough to be able to
come down  Diana took my hand  she shook her head at me 

 You should have waited for my leave to descend   she said    You still
look very pale  and so thin   Poor child   poor girl  

Diana had a voice toned  to my ear  like the cooing of a dove   She
possessed eyes whose gaze I delighted to encounter   Her whole face
seemed to me full of charm   Mary s countenance was equally
intelligent  her features equally pretty  but her expression was more
reserved  and her manners  though gentle  more distant   Diana looked and
spoke with a certain authority  she had a will  evidently   It was my
nature to feel pleasure in yielding to an authority supported like hers 
and to bend  where my conscience and self respect permitted  to an active
will 

 And what business have you here   she continued    It is not your place 
Mary and I sit in the kitchen sometimes  because at home we like to be
free  even to license  but you are a visitor  and must go into the
parlour  

 I am very well here  

 Not at all  with Hannah bustling about and covering you with flour  

 Besides  the fire is too hot for you   interposed Mary 

 To be sure   added her sister    Come  you must be obedient    And still
holding my hand she made me rise  and led me into the inner room 

 Sit there   she said  placing me on the sofa   while we take our things
off and get the tea ready  it is another privilege we exercise in our
little moorland home  to prepare our own meals when we are so inclined 
or when Hannah is baking  brewing  washing  or ironing  

She closed the door  leaving me solus with Mr  St  John  who sat
opposite  a book or newspaper in his hand   I examined first  the
parlour  and then its occupant 

The parlour was rather a small room  very plainly furnished  yet
comfortable  because clean and neat   The old fashioned chairs were very
bright  and the walnut wood table was like a looking glass   A few
strange  antique portraits of the men and women of other days decorated
the stained walls  a cupboard with glass doors contained some books and
an ancient set of china   There was no superfluous ornament in the
room  not one modern piece of furniture  save a brace of workboxes and a
lady s desk in rosewood  which stood on a side table 
everything  including the carpet and curtains  looked at once well worn
and well saved 

Mr  St  John  sitting as still as one of the dusty pictures on the walls 
keeping his eyes fixed on the page he perused  and his lips mutely
sealed  was easy enough to examine   Had he been a statue instead of a
man  he could not have been easier   He was young  perhaps from twenty 
eight to thirty  tall  slender  his face riveted the eye  it was like a
Greek face  very pure in outline  quite a straight  classic nose  quite
an Athenian mouth and chin   It is seldom  indeed  an English face comes
so near the antique models as did his   He might well be a little shocked
at the irregularity of my lineaments  his own being so harmonious   His
eyes were large and blue  with brown lashes  his high forehead 
colourless as ivory  was partially streaked over by careless locks of
fair hair 

This is a gentle delineation  is it not  reader   Yet he whom it
describes scarcely impressed one with the idea of a gentle  a yielding 
an impressible  or even of a placid nature   Quiescent as he now sat 
there was something about his nostril  his mouth  his brow  which  to my
perceptions  indicated elements within either restless  or hard  or
eager   He did not speak to me one word  nor even direct to me one
glance  till his sisters returned   Diana  as she passed in and out  in
the course of preparing tea  brought me a little cake  baked on the top
of the oven 

 Eat that now   she said   you must be hungry   Hannah says you have had
nothing but some gruel since breakfast  

I did not refuse it  for my appetite was awakened and keen   Mr  Rivers
now closed his book  approached the table  and  as he took a seat  fixed
his blue pictorial looking eyes full on me   There was an unceremonious
directness  a searching  decided steadfastness in his gaze now  which
told that intention  and not diffidence  had hitherto kept it averted
from the stranger 

 You are very hungry   he said 

 I am  sir    It is my way  it always was my way  by instinct  ever to
meet the brief with brevity  the direct with plainness 

 It is well for you that a low fever has forced you to abstain for the
last three days  there would have been danger in yielding to the cravings
of your appetite at first   Now you may eat  though still not
immoderately  

 I trust I shall not eat long at your expense  sir   was my very clumsily 
contrived  unpolished answer 

 No   he said coolly   when you have indicated to us the residence of
your friends  we can write to them  and you may be restored to home  

 That  I must plainly tell you  is out of my power to do  being
absolutely without home and friends  

The three looked at me  but not distrustfully  I felt there was no
suspicion in their glances  there was more of curiosity   I speak
particularly of the young ladies   St  John s eyes  though clear enough
in a literal sense  in a figurative one were difficult to fathom   He
seemed to use them rather as instruments to search other people s
thoughts  than as agents to reveal his own  the which combination of
keenness and reserve was considerably more calculated to embarrass than
to encourage 

 Do you mean to say   he asked   that you are completely isolated from
every connection  

 I do   Not a tie links me to any living thing  not a claim do I possess
to admittance under any roof in England  

 A most singular position at your age  

Here I saw his glance directed to my hands  which were folded on the
table before me   I wondered what he sought there  his words soon
explained the quest 

 You have never been married   You are a spinster  

Diana laughed    Why  she can t be above seventeen or eighteen years old 
St  John   said she 

 I am near nineteen  but I am not married   No  

I felt a burning glow mount to my face  for bitter and agitating
recollections were awakened by the allusion to marriage   They all saw
the embarrassment and the emotion   Diana and Mary relieved me by turning
their eyes elsewhere than to my crimsoned visage  but the colder and
sterner brother continued to gaze  till the trouble he had excited forced
out tears as well as colour 

 Where did you last reside   he now asked 

 You are too inquisitive  St  John   murmured Mary in a low voice  but he
leaned over the table and required an answer by a second firm and
piercing look 

 The name of the place where  and of the person with whom I lived  is my
secret   I replied concisely 

 Which  if you like  you have  in my opinion  a right to keep  both from
St  John and every other questioner   remarked Diana 

 Yet if I know nothing about you or your history  I cannot help you   he
said    And you need help  do you not  

 I need it  and I seek it so far  sir  that some true philanthropist will
put me in the way of getting work which I can do  and the remuneration
for which will keep me  if but in the barest necessaries of life  

 I know not whether I am a true philanthropist  yet I am willing to aid
you to the utmost of my power in a purpose so honest   First  then  tell
me what you have been accustomed to do  and what you  can  do  

I had now swallowed my tea   I was mightily refreshed by the beverage  as
much so as a giant with wine  it gave new tone to my unstrung nerves  and
enabled me to address this penetrating young judge steadily 

 Mr  Rivers   I said  turning to him  and looking at him  as he looked at
me  openly and without diffidence   you and your sisters have done me a
great service  the greatest man can do his fellow being  you have rescued
me  by your noble hospitality  from death   This benefit conferred gives
you an unlimited claim on my gratitude  and a claim  to a certain extent 
on my confidence   I will tell you as much of the history of the wanderer
you have harboured  as I can tell without compromising my own peace of
mind  my own security  moral and physical  and that of others 

 I am an orphan  the daughter of a clergyman   My parents died before I
could know them   I was brought up a dependant  educated in a charitable
institution   I will even tell you the name of the establishment  where I
passed six years as a pupil  and two as a teacher  Lowood Orphan Asylum 
   shire  you will have heard of it  Mr  Rivers   the Rev  Robert
Brocklehurst is the treasurer  

 I have heard of Mr  Brocklehurst  and I have seen the school  

 I left Lowood nearly a year since to become a private governess   I
obtained a good situation  and was happy   This place I was obliged to
leave four days before I came here   The reason of my departure I cannot
and ought not to explain  it would be useless  dangerous  and would sound
incredible   No blame attached to me  I am as free from culpability as
any one of you three   Miserable I am  and must be for a time  for the
catastrophe which drove me from a house I had found a paradise was of a
strange and direful nature   I observed but two points in planning my
departure  speed  secrecy  to secure these  I had to leave behind me
everything I possessed except a small parcel  which  in my hurry and
trouble of mind  I forgot to take out of the coach that brought me to
Whitcross   To this neighbourhood  then  I came  quite destitute   I
slept two nights in the open air  and wandered about two days without
crossing a threshold  but twice in that space of time did I taste food 
and it was when brought by hunger  exhaustion  and despair almost to the
last gasp  that you  Mr  Rivers  forbade me to perish of want at your
door  and took me under the shelter of your roof   I know all your
sisters have done for me since  for I have not been insensible during my
seeming torpor  and I owe to their spontaneous  genuine  genial
compassion as large a debt as to your evangelical charity  

 Don t make her talk any more now  St  John   said Diana  as I paused 
 she is evidently not yet fit for excitement   Come to the sofa and sit
down now  Miss Elliott  

I gave an involuntary half start at hearing the  alias   I had forgotten
my new name   Mr  Rivers  whom nothing seemed to escape  noticed it at
once 

 You said your name was Jane Elliott   he observed 

 I did say so  and it is the name by which I think it expedient to be
called at present  but it is not my real name  and when I hear it  it
sounds strange to me  

 Your real name you will not give  

 No  I fear discovery above all things  and whatever disclosure would
lead to it  I avoid  

 You are quite right  I am sure   said Diana    Now do  brother  let her
be at peace a while  

But when St  John had mused a few moments he recommenced as imperturbably
and with as much acumen as ever 

 You would not like to be long dependent on our hospitality  you would
wish  I see  to dispense as soon as may be with my sisters  compassion 
and  above all  with my  charity   I am quite sensible of the distinction
drawn  nor do I resent it  it is just   you desire to be independent of
us  

 I do  I have already said so   Show me how to work  or how to seek work 
that is all I now ask  then let me go  if it be but to the meanest
cottage  but till then  allow me to stay here  I dread another essay of
the horrors of homeless destitution  

 Indeed you  shall  stay here   said Diana  putting her white hand on my
head    You  shall    repeated Mary  in the tone of undemonstrative
sincerity which seemed natural to her 

 My sisters  you see  have a pleasure in keeping you   said Mr  St  John 
 as they would have a pleasure in keeping and cherishing a half frozen
bird  some wintry wind might have driven through their casement   I feel
more inclination to put you in the way of keeping yourself  and shall
endeavour to do so  but observe  my sphere is narrow   I am but the
incumbent of a poor country parish  my aid must be of the humblest sort 
And if you are inclined to despise the day of small things  seek some
more efficient succour than such as I can offer  

 She has already said that she is willing to do anything honest she can
do   answered Diana for me   and you know  St  John  she has no choice of
helpers  she is forced to put up with such crusty people as you  

 I will be a dressmaker  I will be a plain workwoman  I will be a
servant  a nurse girl  if I can be no better   I answered 

 Right   said Mr  St  John  quite coolly    If such is your spirit  I
promise to aid you  in my own time and way  

He now resumed the book with which he had been occupied before tea   I
soon withdrew  for I had talked as much  and sat up as long  as my
present strength would permit 




CHAPTER XXX


The more I knew of the inmates of Moor House  the better I liked them   In
a few days I had so far recovered my health that I could sit up all day 
and walk out sometimes   I could join with Diana and Mary in all their
occupations  converse with them as much as they wished  and aid them when
and where they would allow me   There was a reviving pleasure in this
intercourse  of a kind now tasted by me for the first time  the pleasure
arising from perfect congeniality of tastes  sentiments  and principles 

I liked to read what they liked to read  what they enjoyed  delighted me 
what they approved  I reverenced   They loved their sequestered home   I 
too  in the grey  small  antique structure  with its low roof  its
latticed casements  its mouldering walls  its avenue of aged firs  all
grown aslant under the stress of mountain winds  its garden  dark with
yew and holly  and where no flowers but of the hardiest species would
bloom  found a charm both potent and permanent   They clung to the purple
moors behind and around their dwelling  to the hollow vale into which the
pebbly bridle path leading from their gate descended  and which wound
between fern banks first  and then amongst a few of the wildest little
pasture fields that ever bordered a wilderness of heath  or gave
sustenance to a flock of grey moorland sheep  with their little mossy 
faced lambs   they clung to this scene  I say  with a perfect enthusiasm
of attachment   I could comprehend the feeling  and share both its
strength and truth   I saw the fascination of the locality   I felt the
consecration of its loneliness  my eye feasted on the outline of swell
and sweep  on the wild colouring communicated to ridge and dell by moss 
by heath bell  by flower sprinkled turf  by brilliant bracken  and mellow
granite crag   These details were just to me what they were to them  so
many pure and sweet sources of pleasure   The strong blast and the soft
breeze  the rough and the halcyon day  the hours of sunrise and sunset 
the moonlight and the clouded night  developed for me  in these regions 
the same attraction as for them  wound round my faculties the same spell
that entranced theirs 

Indoors we agreed equally well   They were both more accomplished and
better read than I was  but with eagerness I followed in the path of
knowledge they had trodden before me   I devoured the books they lent me 
then it was full satisfaction to discuss with them in the evening what I
had perused during the day   Thought fitted thought  opinion met opinion 
we coincided  in short  perfectly 

If in our trio there was a superior and a leader  it was Diana 
Physically  she far excelled me  she was handsome  she was vigorous   In
her animal spirits there was an affluence of life and certainty of flow 
such as excited my wonder  while it baffled my comprehension   I could
talk a while when the evening commenced  but the first gush of vivacity
and fluency gone  I was fain to sit on a stool at Diana s feet  to rest
my head on her knee  and listen alternately to her and Mary  while they
sounded thoroughly the topic on which I had but touched   Diana offered
to teach me German   I liked to learn of her  I saw the part of
instructress pleased and suited her  that of scholar pleased and suited
me no less   Our natures dovetailed  mutual affection  of the strongest
kind  was the result   They discovered I could draw  their pencils and
colour boxes were immediately at my service   My skill  greater in this
one point than theirs  surprised and charmed them   Mary would sit and
watch me by the hour together  then she would take lessons  and a docile 
intelligent  assiduous pupil she made   Thus occupied  and mutually
entertained  days passed like hours  and weeks like days 

As to Mr  St John  the intimacy which had arisen so naturally and rapidly
between me and his sisters did not extend to him   One reason of the
distance yet observed between us was  that he was comparatively seldom at
home  a large proportion of his time appeared devoted to visiting the
sick and poor among the scattered population of his parish 

No weather seemed to hinder him in these pastoral excursions  rain or
fair  he would  when his hours of morning study were over  take his hat 
and  followed by his father s old pointer  Carlo  go out on his mission
of love or duty  I scarcely know in which light he regarded it 
Sometimes  when the day was very unfavourable  his sisters would
expostulate   He would then say  with a peculiar smile  more solemn than
cheerful  

 And if I let a gust of wind or a sprinkling of rain turn me aside from
these easy tasks  what preparation would such sloth be for the future I
propose to myself  

Diana and Mary s general answer to this question was a sigh  and some
minutes of apparently mournful meditation 

But besides his frequent absences  there was another barrier to
friendship with him  he seemed of a reserved  an abstracted  and even of
a brooding nature   Zealous in his ministerial labours  blameless in his
life and habits  he yet did not appear to enjoy that mental serenity 
that inward content  which should be the reward of every sincere
Christian and practical philanthropist   Often  of an evening  when he
sat at the window  his desk and papers before him  he would cease reading
or writing  rest his chin on his hand  and deliver himself up to I know
not what course of thought  but that it was perturbed and exciting might
be seen in the frequent flash and changeful dilation of his eye 

I think  moreover  that Nature was not to him that treasury of delight it
was to his sisters   He expressed once  and but once in my hearing  a
strong sense of the rugged charm of the hills  and an inborn affection
for the dark roof and hoary walls he called his home  but there was more
of gloom than pleasure in the tone and words in which the sentiment was
manifested  and never did he seem to roam the moors for the sake of their
soothing silence  never seek out or dwell upon the thousand peaceful
delights they could yield 

Incommunicative as he was  some time elapsed before I had an opportunity
of gauging his mind   I first got an idea of its calibre when I heard him
preach in his own church at Morton   I wish I could describe that sermon 
but it is past my power   I cannot even render faithfully the effect it
produced on me 

It began calm  and indeed  as far as delivery and pitch of voice went  it
was calm to the end  an earnestly felt  yet strictly restrained zeal
breathed soon in the distinct accents  and prompted the nervous language 
This grew to force  compressed  condensed  controlled   The heart was
thrilled  the mind astonished  by the power of the preacher  neither were
softened   Throughout there was a strange bitterness  an absence of
consolatory gentleness  stern allusions to Calvinistic
doctrines  election  predestination  reprobation  were frequent  and each
reference to these points sounded like a sentence pronounced for doom 
When he had done  instead of feeling better  calmer  more enlightened by
his discourse  I experienced an inexpressible sadness  for it seemed to
me  I know not whether equally so to others  that the eloquence to which
I had been listening had sprung from a depth where lay turbid dregs of
disappointment  where moved troubling impulses of insatiate yearnings and
disquieting aspirations   I was sure St  John Rivers  pure lived 
conscientious  zealous as he was  had not yet found that peace of God
which passeth all understanding  he had no more found it  I thought  than
had I with my concealed and racking regrets for my broken idol and lost
elysium  regrets to which I have latterly avoided referring  but which
possessed me and tyrannised over me ruthlessly 

Meantime a month was gone   Diana and Mary were soon to leave Moor House 
and return to the far different life and scene which awaited them  as
governesses in a large  fashionable  south of England city  where each
held a situation in families by whose wealthy and haughty members they
were regarded only as humble dependants  and who neither knew nor sought
out their innate excellences  and appreciated only their acquired
accomplishments as they appreciated the skill of their cook or the taste
of their waiting woman   Mr  St  John had said nothing to me yet about
the employment he had promised to obtain for me  yet it became urgent
that I should have a vocation of some kind   One morning  being left
alone with him a few minutes in the parlour  I ventured to approach the
window recess  which his table  chair  and desk consecrated as a kind of
study  and I was going to speak  though not very well knowing in what
words to frame my inquiry  for it is at all times difficult to break the
ice of reserve glassing over such natures as his  when he saved me the
trouble by being the first to commence a dialogue 

Looking up as I drew near   You have a question to ask of me   he said 

 Yes  I wish to know whether you have heard of any service I can offer
myself to undertake  

 I found or devised something for you three weeks ago  but as you seemed
both useful and happy here  as my sisters had evidently become attached
to you  and your society gave them unusual pleasure  I deemed it
inexpedient to break in on your mutual comfort till their approaching
departure from Marsh End should render yours necessary  

 And they will go in three days now   I said 

 Yes  and when they go  I shall return to the parsonage at Morton  Hannah
will accompany me  and this old house will be shut up  

I waited a few moments  expecting he would go on with the subject first
broached  but he seemed to have entered another train of reflection  his
look denoted abstraction from me and my business   I was obliged to
recall him to a theme which was of necessity one of close and anxious
interest to me 

 What is the employment you had in view  Mr  Rivers   I hope this delay
will not have increased the difficulty of securing it  

 Oh  no  since it is an employment which depends only on me to give  and
you to accept  

He again paused  there seemed a reluctance to continue   I grew
impatient  a restless movement or two  and an eager and exacting glance
fastened on his face  conveyed the feeling to him as effectually as words
could have done  and with less trouble 

 You need be in no hurry to hear   he said   let me frankly tell you  I
have nothing eligible or profitable to suggest   Before I explain 
recall  if you please  my notice  clearly given  that if I helped you  it
must be as the blind man would help the lame   I am poor  for I find
that  when I have paid my father s debts  all the patrimony remaining to
me will be this crumbling grange  the row of scathed firs behind  and the
patch of moorish soil  with the yew trees and holly bushes in front   I
am obscure  Rivers is an old name  but of the three sole descendants of
the race  two earn the dependant s crust among strangers  and the third
considers himself an alien from his native country  not only for life 
but in death   Yes  and deems  and is bound to deem  himself honoured by
the lot  and aspires but after the day when the cross of separation from
fleshly ties shall be laid on his shoulders  and when the Head of that
church militant of whose humblest members he is one  shall give the word 
 Rise  follow Me   

St  John said these words as he pronounced his sermons  with a quiet 
deep voice  with an unflushed cheek  and a coruscating radiance of
glance   He resumed  

 And since I am myself poor and obscure  I can offer you but a service of
poverty and obscurity    You  may even think it degrading  for I see now
your habits have been what the world calls refined  your tastes lean to
the ideal  and your society has at least been amongst the educated  but
 I  consider that no service degrades which can better our race   I hold
that the more arid and unreclaimed the soil where the Christian
labourer s task of tillage is appointed him  the scantier the meed his
toil brings  the higher the honour   His  under such circumstances  is
the destiny of the pioneer  and the first pioneers of the Gospel were the
Apostles  their captain was Jesus  the Redeemer  Himself  

 Well   I said  as he again paused   proceed  

He looked at me before he proceeded  indeed  he seemed leisurely to read
my face  as if its features and lines were characters on a page   The
conclusions drawn from this scrutiny he partially expressed in his
succeeding observations 

 I believe you will accept the post I offer you   said he   and hold it
for a while  not permanently  though  any more than I could permanently
keep the narrow and narrowing  the tranquil  hidden office of English
country incumbent  for in your nature is an alloy as detrimental to
repose as that in mine  though of a different kind  

 Do explain   I urged  when he halted once more 

 I will  and you shall hear how poor the proposal is   how trivial  how
cramping   I shall not stay long at Morton  now that my father is dead 
and that I am my own master   I shall leave the place probably in the
course of a twelve month  but while I do stay  I will exert myself to the
utmost for its improvement   Morton  when I came to it two years ago  had
no school  the children of the poor were excluded from every hope of
progress   I established one for boys  I mean now to open a second school
for girls   I have hired a building for the purpose  with a cottage of
two rooms attached to it for the mistress s house   Her salary will be
thirty pounds a year  her house is already furnished  very simply  but
sufficiently  by the kindness of a lady  Miss Oliver  the only daughter
of the sole rich man in my parish  Mr  Oliver  the proprietor of a needle 
factory and iron foundry in the valley   The same lady pays for the
education and clothing of an orphan from the workhouse  on condition that
she shall aid the mistress in such menial offices connected with her own
house and the school as her occupation of teaching will prevent her
having time to discharge in person   Will you be this mistress  

He put the question rather hurriedly  he seemed half to expect an
indignant  or at least a disdainful rejection of the offer  not knowing
all my thoughts and feelings  though guessing some  he could not tell in
what light the lot would appear to me   In truth it was humble  but then
it was sheltered  and I wanted a safe asylum  it was plodding  but then 
compared with that of a governess in a rich house  it was independent 
and the fear of servitude with strangers entered my soul like iron  it
was not ignoble  not unworthy  not mentally degrading  I made my
decision 

 I thank you for the proposal  Mr  Rivers  and I accept it with all my
heart  

 But you comprehend me   he said    It is a village school  your scholars
will be only poor girls  cottagers  children  at the best  farmers 
daughters   Knitting  sewing  reading  writing  ciphering  will be all
you will have to teach   What will you do with your accomplishments 
What  with the largest portion of your mind  sentiments  tastes  

 Save them till they are wanted   They will keep  

 You know what you undertake  then  

 I do  

He now smiled  and not a bitter or a sad smile  but one well pleased and
deeply gratified 

 And when will you commence the exercise of your function  

 I will go to my house to morrow  and open the school  if you like  next
week  

 Very well  so be it  

He rose and walked through the room   Standing still  he again looked at
me   He shook his head 

 What do you disapprove of  Mr  Rivers   I asked 

 You will not stay at Morton long  no  no  

 Why   What is your reason for saying so  

 I read it in your eye  it is not of that description which promises the
maintenance of an even tenor in life  

 I am not ambitious  

He started at the word  ambitious    He repeated   No   What made you
think of ambition   Who is ambitious   I know I am  but how did you find
it out  

 I was speaking of myself  

 Well  if you are not ambitious  you are     He paused 

 What  

 I was going to say  impassioned  but perhaps you would have
misunderstood the word  and been displeased   I mean  that human
affections and sympathies have a most powerful hold on you   I am sure
you cannot long be content to pass your leisure in solitude  and to
devote your working hours to a monotonous labour wholly void of stimulus 
any more than I can be content   he added  with emphasis   to live here
buried in morass  pent in with mountains  my nature  that God gave me 
contravened  my faculties  heaven bestowed  paralysed  made useless   You
hear now how I contradict myself   I  who preached contentment with a
humble lot  and justified the vocation even of hewers of wood and drawers
of water in God s service  I  His ordained minister  almost rave in my
restlessness   Well  propensities and principles must be reconciled by
some means  

He left the room   In this brief hour I had learnt more of him than in
the whole previous month  yet still he puzzled me 

Diana and Mary Rivers became more sad and silent as the day approached
for leaving their brother and their home   They both tried to appear as
usual  but the sorrow they had to struggle against was one that could not
be entirely conquered or concealed   Diana intimated that this would be a
different parting from any they had ever yet known   It would probably 
as far as St  John was concerned  be a parting for years  it might be a
parting for life 

 He will sacrifice all to his long framed resolves   she said   natural
affection and feelings more potent still   St  John looks quiet  Jane 
but he hides a fever in his vitals   You would think him gentle  yet in
some things he is inexorable as death  and the worst of it is  my
conscience will hardly permit me to dissuade him from his severe
decision  certainly  I cannot for a moment blame him for it   It is
right  noble  Christian  yet it breaks my heart    And the tears gushed
to her fine eyes   Mary bent her head low over her work 

 We are now without father  we shall soon be without home and brother  
she murmured 

At that moment a little accident supervened  which seemed decreed by fate
purposely to prove the truth of the adage  that  misfortunes never come
singly   and to add to their distresses the vexing one of the slip
between the cup and the lip   St  John passed the window reading a
letter   He entered 

 Our uncle John is dead   said he 

Both the sisters seemed struck  not shocked or appalled  the tidings
appeared in their eyes rather momentous than afflicting 

 Dead   repeated Diana 

 Yes  

She riveted a searching gaze on her brother s face    And what then   she
demanded  in a low voice 

 What then  Die   he replied  maintaining a marble immobility of feature 
 What then   Why  nothing   Read  

He threw the letter into her lap   She glanced over it  and handed it to
Mary   Mary perused it in silence  and returned it to her brother   All
three looked at each other  and all three smiled  a dreary  pensive smile
enough 

 Amen   We can yet live   said Diana at last 

 At any rate  it makes us no worse off than we were before   remarked
Mary 

 Only it forces rather strongly on the mind the picture of what  might
have been    said Mr  Rivers   and contrasts it somewhat too vividly with
what  is   

He folded the letter  locked it in his desk  and again went out 

For some minutes no one spoke   Diana then turned to me 

 Jane  you will wonder at us and our mysteries   she said   and think us
hard hearted beings not to be more moved at the death of so near a
relation as an uncle  but we have never seen him or known him   He was my
mother s brother   My father and he quarrelled long ago   It was by his
advice that my father risked most of his property in the speculation that
ruined him   Mutual recrimination passed between them  they parted in
anger  and were never reconciled   My uncle engaged afterwards in more
prosperous undertakings  it appears he realised a fortune of twenty
thousand pounds   He was never married  and had no near kindred but
ourselves and one other person  not more closely related than we   My
father always cherished the idea that he would atone for his error by
leaving his possessions to us  that letter informs us that he has
bequeathed every penny to the other relation  with the exception of
thirty guineas  to be divided between St  John  Diana  and Mary Rivers 
for the purchase of three mourning rings   He had a right  of course  to
do as he pleased  and yet a momentary damp is cast on the spirits by the
receipt of such news   Mary and I would have esteemed ourselves rich with
a thousand pounds each  and to St  John such a sum would have been
valuable  for the good it would have enabled him to do  

This explanation given  the subject was dropped  and no further reference
made to it by either Mr  Rivers or his sisters   The next day I left
Marsh End for Morton   The day after  Diana and Mary quitted it for
distant B    In a week  Mr  Rivers and Hannah repaired to the parsonage 
and so the old grange was abandoned 




CHAPTER XXXI


My home  then  when I at last find a home   is a cottage  a little room
with whitewashed walls and a sanded floor  containing four painted chairs
and a table  a clock  a cupboard  with two or three plates and dishes 
and a set of tea things in delf   Above  a chamber of the same dimensions
as the kitchen  with a deal bedstead and chest of drawers  small  yet too
large to be filled with my scanty wardrobe  though the kindness of my
gentle and generous friends has increased that  by a modest stock of such
things as are necessary 

It is evening   I have dismissed  with the fee of an orange  the little
orphan who serves me as a handmaid   I am sitting alone on the hearth 
This morning  the village school opened   I had twenty scholars   But
three of the number can read  none write or cipher   Several knit  and a
few sew a little   They speak with the broadest accent of the district 
At present  they and I have a difficulty in understanding each other s
language   Some of them are unmannered  rough  intractable  as well as
ignorant  but others are docile  have a wish to learn  and evince a
disposition that pleases me   I must not forget that these coarsely clad
little peasants are of flesh and blood as good as the scions of gentlest
genealogy  and that the germs of native excellence  refinement 
intelligence  kind feeling  are as likely to exist in their hearts as in
those of the best born   My duty will be to develop these germs  surely I
shall find some happiness in discharging that office   Much enjoyment I
do not expect in the life opening before me  yet it will  doubtless  if I
regulate my mind  and exert my powers as I ought  yield me enough to live
on from day to day 

Was I very gleeful  settled  content  during the hours I passed in yonder
bare  humble schoolroom this morning and afternoon   Not to deceive
myself  I must reply  No  I felt desolate to a degree   I felt  yes 
idiot that I am  I felt degraded   I doubted I had taken a step which
sank instead of raising me in the scale of social existence   I was
weakly dismayed at the ignorance  the poverty  the coarseness of all I
heard and saw round me   But let me not hate and despise myself too much
for these feelings  I know them to be wrong  that is a great step gained 
I shall strive to overcome them   To morrow  I trust  I shall get the
better of them partially  and in a few weeks  perhaps  they will be quite
subdued   In a few months  it is possible  the happiness of seeing
progress  and a change for the better in my scholars may substitute
gratification for disgust 

Meantime  let me ask myself one question  Which is better   To have
surrendered to temptation  listened to passion  made no painful effort  no
struggle   but to have sunk down in the silken snare  fallen asleep on
the flowers covering it  wakened in a southern clime  amongst the
luxuries of a pleasure villa  to have been now living in France  Mr 
Rochester s mistress  delirious with his love half my time  for he
would  oh  yes  he would have loved me well for a while   He  did  love
me  no one will ever love me so again   I shall never more know the sweet
homage given to beauty  youth  and grace  for never to any one else shall
I seem to possess these charms   He was fond and proud of me  it is what
no man besides will ever be   But where am I wandering  and what am I
saying  and above all  feeling   Whether is it better  I ask  to be a
slave in a fool s paradise at Marseilles  fevered with delusive bliss one
hour  suffocating with the bitterest tears of remorse and shame the
next  or to be a village schoolmistress  free and honest  in a breezy
mountain nook in the healthy heart of England 

Yes  I feel now that I was right when I adhered to principle and law  and
scorned and crushed the insane promptings of a frenzied moment   God
directed me to a correct choice  I thank His providence for the guidance 

Having brought my eventide musings to this point  I rose  went to my
door  and looked at the sunset of the harvest day  and at the quiet
fields before my cottage  which  with the school  was distant half a mile
from the village   The birds were singing their last strains  

    The air was mild  the dew was balm  

While I looked  I thought myself happy  and was surprised to find myself
ere long weeping  and why   For the doom which had reft me from adhesion
to my master  for him I was no more to see  for the desperate grief and
fatal fury  consequences of my departure  which might now  perhaps  be
dragging him from the path of right  too far to leave hope of ultimate
restoration thither   At this thought  I turned my face aside from the
lovely sky of eve and lonely vale of Morton  I say  lonely   for in that
bend of it visible to me there was no building apparent save the church
and the parsonage  half hid in trees  and  quite at the extremity  the
roof of Vale Hall  where the rich Mr  Oliver and his daughter lived   I
hid my eyes  and leant my head against the stone frame of my door  but
soon a slight noise near the wicket which shut in my tiny garden from the
meadow beyond it made me look up   A dog  old Carlo  Mr  Rivers  pointer 
as I saw in a moment  was pushing the gate with his nose  and St  John
himself leant upon it with folded arms  his brow knit  his gaze  grave
almost to displeasure  fixed on me   I asked him to come in 

 No  I cannot stay  I have only brought you a little parcel my sisters
left for you   I think it contains a colour box  pencils  and paper  

I approached to take it  a welcome gift it was   He examined my face  I
thought  with austerity  as I came near  the traces of tears were
doubtless very visible upon it 

 Have you found your first day s work harder than you expected   he
asked 

 Oh  no   On the contrary  I think in time I shall get on with my
scholars very well  

 But perhaps your accommodations  your cottage  your furniture  have
disappointed your expectations   They are  in truth  scanty enough  but   
I interrupted  

 My cottage is clean and weather proof  my furniture sufficient and
commodious   All I see has made me thankful  not despondent   I am not
absolutely such a fool and sensualist as to regret the absence of a
carpet  a sofa  and silver plate  besides  five weeks ago I had nothing  I
was an outcast  a beggar  a vagrant  now I have acquaintance  a home  a
business   I wonder at the goodness of God  the generosity of my friends 
the bounty of my lot   I do not repine  

 But you feel solitude an oppression   The little house there behind you
is dark and empty  

 I have hardly had time yet to enjoy a sense of tranquillity  much less
to grow impatient under one of loneliness  

 Very well  I hope you feel the content you express  at any rate  your
good sense will tell you that it is too soon yet to yield to the
vacillating fears of Lot s wife   What you had left before I saw you  of
course I do not know  but I counsel you to resist firmly every temptation
which would incline you to look back  pursue your present career
steadily  for some months at least  

 It is what I mean to do   I answered   St  John continued  

 It is hard work to control the workings of inclination and turn the bent
of nature  but that it may be done  I know from experience   God has
given us  in a measure  the power to make our own fate  and when our
energies seem to demand a sustenance they cannot get  when our will
strains after a path we may not follow  we need neither starve from
inanition  nor stand still in despair  we have but to seek another
nourishment for the mind  as strong as the forbidden food it longed to
taste  and perhaps purer  and to hew out for the adventurous foot a road
as direct and broad as the one Fortune has blocked up against us  if
rougher than it 

 A year ago I was myself intensely miserable  because I thought I had
made a mistake in entering the ministry  its uniform duties wearied me to
death   I burnt for the more active life of the world  for the more
exciting toils of a literary career  for the destiny of an artist 
author  orator  anything rather than that of a priest  yes  the heart of
a politician  of a soldier  of a votary of glory  a lover of renown  a
luster after power  beat under my curate s surplice   I considered  my
life was so wretched  it must be changed  or I must die   After a season
of darkness and struggling  light broke and relief fell  my cramped
existence all at once spread out to a plain without bounds  my powers
heard a call from heaven to rise  gather their full strength  spread
their wings  and mount beyond ken   God had an errand for me  to bear
which afar  to deliver it well  skill and strength  courage and
eloquence  the best qualifications of soldier  statesman  and orator 
were all needed  for these all centre in the good missionary 

 A missionary I resolved to be   From that moment my state of mind
changed  the fetters dissolved and dropped from every faculty  leaving
nothing of bondage but its galling soreness  which time only can heal   My
father  indeed  imposed the determination  but since his death  I have
not a legitimate obstacle to contend with  some affairs settled  a
successor for Morton provided  an entanglement or two of the feelings
broken through or cut asunder  a last conflict with human weakness  in
which I know I shall overcome  because I have vowed that I  will 
overcome  and I leave Europe for the East  

He said this  in his peculiar  subdued  yet emphatic voice  looking  when
he had ceased speaking  not at me  but at the setting sun  at which I
looked too   Both he and I had our backs towards the path leading up the
field to the wicket   We had heard no step on that grass grown track  the
water running in the vale was the one lulling sound of the hour and
scene  we might well then start when a gay voice  sweet as a silver bell 
exclaimed  

 Good evening  Mr  Rivers   And good evening  old Carlo   Your dog is
quicker to recognise his friends than you are  sir  he pricked his ears
and wagged his tail when I was at the bottom of the field  and you have
your back towards me now  

It was true   Though Mr  Rivers had started at the first of those musical
accents  as if a thunderbolt had split a cloud over his head  he stood
yet  at the close of the sentence  in the same attitude in which the
speaker had surprised him  his arm resting on the gate  his face directed
towards the west   He turned at last  with measured deliberation   A
vision  as it seemed to me  had risen at his side   There appeared 
within three feet of him  a form clad in pure white  a youthful  graceful
form  full  yet fine in contour  and when  after bending to caress Carlo 
it lifted up its head  and threw back a long veil  there bloomed under
his glance a face of perfect beauty   Perfect beauty is a strong
expression  but I do not retrace or qualify it  as sweet features as ever
the temperate clime of Albion moulded  as pure hues of rose and lily as
ever her humid gales and vapoury skies generated and screened  justified 
in this instance  the term   No charm was wanting  no defect was
perceptible  the young girl had regular and delicate lineaments  eyes
shaped and coloured as we see them in lovely pictures  large  and dark 
and full  the long and shadowy eyelash which encircles a fine eye with so
soft a fascination  the pencilled brow which gives such clearness  the
white smooth forehead  which adds such repose to the livelier beauties of
tint and ray  the cheek oval  fresh  and smooth  the lips  fresh too 
ruddy  healthy  sweetly formed  the even and gleaming teeth without flaw 
the small dimpled chin  the ornament of rich  plenteous tresses  all
advantages  in short  which  combined  realise the ideal of beauty  were
fully hers   I wondered  as I looked at this fair creature  I admired her
with my whole heart   Nature had surely formed her in a partial mood 
and  forgetting her usual stinted step mother dole of gifts  had endowed
this  her darling  with a grand dame s bounty 

What did St  John Rivers think of this earthly angel   I naturally asked
myself that question as I saw him turn to her and look at her  and  as
naturally  I sought the answer to the inquiry in his countenance   He had
already withdrawn his eye from the Peri  and was looking at a humble tuft
of daisies which grew by the wicket 

 A lovely evening  but late for you to be out alone   he said  as he
crushed the snowy heads of the closed flowers with his foot 

 Oh  I only came home from S    she mentioned the name of a large town
some twenty miles distant   this afternoon   Papa told me you had opened
your school  and that the new mistress was come  and so I put on my
bonnet after tea  and ran up the valley to see her  this is she  
pointing to me 

 It is   said St  John 

 Do you think you shall like Morton   she asked of me  with a direct and
naive simplicity of tone and manner  pleasing  if child like 

 I hope I shall   I have many inducements to do so  

 Did you find your scholars as attentive as you expected  

 Quite  

 Do you like your house  

 Very much  

 Have I furnished it nicely  

 Very nicely  indeed  

 And made a good choice of an attendant for you in Alice Wood  

 You have indeed   She is teachable and handy     This then  I thought 
is Miss Oliver  the heiress  favoured  it seems  in the gifts of fortune 
as well as in those of nature   What happy combination of the planets
presided over her birth  I wonder  

 I shall come up and help you to teach sometimes   she added    It will
be a change for me to visit you now and then  and I like a change   Mr 
Rivers  I have been  so  gay during my stay at S    Last night  or rather
this morning  I was dancing till two o clock   The    th regiment are
stationed there since the riots  and the officers are the most agreeable
men in the world  they put all our young knife grinders and scissor
merchants to shame  

It seemed to me that Mr  St  John s under lip protruded  and his upper
lip curled a moment   His mouth certainly looked a good deal compressed 
and the lower part of his face unusually stern and square  as the
laughing girl gave him this information   He lifted his gaze  too  from
the daisies  and turned it on her   An unsmiling  a searching  a meaning
gaze it was   She answered it with a second laugh  and laughter well
became her youth  her roses  her dimples  her bright eyes 

As he stood  mute and grave  she again fell to caressing Carlo    Poor
Carlo loves me   said she     He  is not stern and distant to his
friends  and if he could speak  he would not be silent  

As she patted the dog s head  bending with native grace before his young
and austere master  I saw a glow rise to that master s face   I saw his
solemn eye melt with sudden fire  and flicker with resistless emotion 
Flushed and kindled thus  he looked nearly as beautiful for a man as she
for a woman   His chest heaved once  as if his large heart  weary of
despotic constriction  had expanded  despite the will  and made a
vigorous bound for the attainment of liberty   But he curbed it  I think 
as a resolute rider would curb a rearing steed   He responded neither by
word nor movement to the gentle advances made him 

 Papa says you never come to see us now   continued Miss Oliver  looking
up    You are quite a stranger at Vale Hall   He is alone this evening 
and not very well  will you return with me and visit him  

 It is not a seasonable hour to intrude on Mr  Oliver   answered St 
John 

 Not a seasonable hour   But I declare it is   It is just the hour when
papa most wants company  when the works are closed and he has no business
to occupy him   Now  Mr  Rivers   do  come   Why are you so very shy  and
so very sombre    She filled up the hiatus his silence left by a reply of
her own 

 I forgot   she exclaimed  shaking her beautiful curled head  as if
shocked at herself    I am so giddy and thoughtless    Do  excuse me   It
had slipped my memory that you have good reasons to be indisposed for
joining in my chatter   Diana and Mary have left you  and Moor House is
shut up  and you are so lonely   I am sure I pity you   Do come and see
papa  

 Not to night  Miss Rosamond  not to night  

Mr  St  John spoke almost like an automaton  himself only knew the effort
it cost him thus to refuse 

 Well  if you are so obstinate  I will leave you  for I dare not stay any
longer  the dew begins to fall   Good evening  

She held out her hand   He just touched it    Good evening   he repeated 
in a voice low and hollow as an echo   She turned  but in a moment
returned 

 Are you well   she asked   Well might she put the question  his face was
blanched as her gown 

 Quite well   he enunciated  and  with a bow  he left the gate   She went
one way  he another   She turned twice to gaze after him as she tripped
fairy like down the field  he  as he strode firmly across  never turned
at all 

This spectacle of another s suffering and sacrifice rapt my thoughts from
exclusive meditation on my own   Diana Rivers had designated her brother
 inexorable as death    She had not exaggerated 




CHAPTER XXXII


I continued the labours of the village school as actively and faithfully
as I could   It was truly hard work at first   Some time elapsed before 
with all my efforts  I could comprehend my scholars and their nature 
Wholly untaught  with faculties quite torpid  they seemed to me
hopelessly dull  and  at first sight  all dull alike  but I soon found I
was mistaken   There was a difference amongst them as amongst the
educated  and when I got to know them  and they me  this difference
rapidly developed itself   Their amazement at me  my language  my rules 
and ways  once subsided  I found some of these heavy looking  gaping
rustics wake up into sharp witted girls enough   Many showed themselves
obliging  and amiable too  and I discovered amongst them not a few
examples of natural politeness  and innate self respect  as well as of
excellent capacity  that won both my goodwill and my admiration   These
soon took a pleasure in doing their work well  in keeping their persons
neat  in learning their tasks regularly  in acquiring quiet and orderly
manners   The rapidity of their progress  in some instances  was even
surprising  and an honest and happy pride I took in it  besides  I began
personally to like some of the best girls  and they liked me   I had
amongst my scholars several farmers  daughters  young women grown 
almost   These could already read  write  and sew  and to them I taught
the elements of grammar  geography  history  and the finer kinds of
needlework   I found estimable characters amongst them  characters
desirous of information and disposed for improvement  with whom I passed
many a pleasant evening hour in their own homes   Their parents then  the
farmer and his wife  loaded me with attentions   There was an enjoyment
in accepting their simple kindness  and in repaying it by a
consideration  a scrupulous regard to their feelings  to which they were
not  perhaps  at all times accustomed  and which both charmed and
benefited them  because  while it elevated them in their own eyes  it
made them emulous to merit the deferential treatment they received 

I felt I became a favourite in the neighbourhood   Whenever I went out  I
heard on all sides cordial salutations  and was welcomed with friendly
smiles   To live amidst general regard  though it be but the regard of
working people  is like  sitting in sunshine  calm and sweet   serene
inward feelings bud and bloom under the ray   At this period of my life 
my heart far oftener swelled with thankfulness than sank with dejection 
and yet  reader  to tell you all  in the midst of this calm  this useful
existence  after a day passed in honourable exertion amongst my scholars 
an evening spent in drawing or reading contentedly alone  I used to rush
into strange dreams at night  dreams many coloured  agitated  full of the
ideal  the stirring  the stormy  dreams where  amidst unusual scenes 
charged with adventure  with agitating risk and romantic chance  I still
again and again met Mr  Rochester  always at some exciting crisis  and
then the sense of being in his arms  hearing his voice  meeting his eye 
touching his hand and cheek  loving him  being loved by him  the hope of
passing a lifetime at his side  would be renewed  with all its first
force and fire   Then I awoke   Then I recalled where I was  and how
situated   Then I rose up on my curtainless bed  trembling and quivering 
and then the still  dark night witnessed the convulsion of despair  and
heard the burst of passion   By nine o clock the next morning I was
punctually opening the school  tranquil  settled  prepared for the steady
duties of the day 

Rosamond Oliver kept her word in coming to visit me   Her call at the
school was generally made in the course of her morning ride   She would
canter up to the door on her pony  followed by a mounted livery servant 
Anything more exquisite than her appearance  in her purple habit  with
her Amazon s cap of black velvet placed gracefully above the long curls
that kissed her cheek and floated to her shoulders  can scarcely be
imagined  and it was thus she would enter the rustic building  and glide
through the dazzled ranks of the village children   She generally came at
the hour when Mr  Rivers was engaged in giving his daily catechising
lesson   Keenly  I fear  did the eye of the visitress pierce the young
pastor s heart   A sort of instinct seemed to warn him of her entrance 
even when he did not see it  and when he was looking quite away from the
door  if she appeared at it  his cheek would glow  and his marble seeming
features  though they refused to relax  changed indescribably  and in
their very quiescence became expressive of a repressed fervour  stronger
than working muscle or darting glance could indicate 

Of course  she knew her power  indeed  he did not  because he could not 
conceal it from her   In spite of his Christian stoicism  when she went
up and addressed him  and smiled gaily  encouragingly  even fondly in his
face  his hand would tremble and his eye burn   He seemed to say  with
his sad and resolute look  if he did not say it with his lips   I love
you  and I know you prefer me   It is not despair of success that keeps
me dumb   If I offered my heart  I believe you would accept it   But that
heart is already laid on a sacred altar  the fire is arranged round it 
It will soon be no more than a sacrifice consumed  

And then she would pout like a disappointed child  a pensive cloud would
soften her radiant vivacity  she would withdraw her hand hastily from
his  and turn in transient petulance from his aspect  at once so heroic
and so martyr like   St  John  no doubt  would have given the world to
follow  recall  retain her  when she thus left him  but he would not give
one chance of heaven  nor relinquish  for the elysium of her love  one
hope of the true  eternal Paradise   Besides  he could not bind all that
he had in his nature  the rover  the aspirant  the poet  the priest  in
the limits of a single passion   He could not  he would not  renounce his
wild field of mission warfare for the parlours and the peace of Vale
Hall   I learnt so much from himself in an inroad I once  despite his
reserve  had the daring to make on his confidence 

Miss Oliver already honoured me with frequent visits to my cottage   I
had learnt her whole character  which was without mystery or disguise 
she was coquettish but not heartless  exacting  but not worthlessly
selfish   She had been indulged from her birth  but was not absolutely
spoilt   She was hasty  but good humoured  vain  she could not help it 
when every glance in the glass showed her such a flush of loveliness  
but not affected  liberal handed  innocent of the pride of wealth 
ingenuous  sufficiently intelligent  gay  lively  and unthinking  she was
very charming  in short  even to a cool observer of her own sex like me 
but she was not profoundly interesting or thoroughly impressive   A very
different sort of mind was hers from that  for instance  of the sisters
of St  John   Still  I liked her almost as I liked my pupil Adele  except
that  for a child whom we have watched over and taught  a closer
affection is engendered than we can give an equally attractive adult
acquaintance 

She had taken an amiable caprice to me   She said I was like Mr  Rivers 
only  certainly  she allowed   not one tenth so handsome  though I was a
nice neat little soul enough  but he was an angel    I was  however 
good  clever  composed  and firm  like him   I was a  lusus naturae   she
affirmed  as a village schoolmistress  she was sure my previous history 
if known  would make a delightful romance 

One evening  while  with her usual child like activity  and thoughtless
yet not offensive inquisitiveness  she was rummaging the cupboard and the
table drawer of my little kitchen  she discovered first two French books 
a volume of Schiller  a German grammar and dictionary  and then my
drawing materials and some sketches  including a pencil head of a pretty
little cherub like girl  one of my scholars  and sundry views from
nature  taken in the Vale of Morton and on the surrounding moors   She
was first transfixed with surprise  and then electrified with delight 

 Had I done these pictures   Did I know French and German   What a
love  what a miracle I was   I drew better than her master in the first
school in S    Would I sketch a portrait of her  to show to papa  

 With pleasure   I replied  and I felt a thrill of artist delight at the
idea of copying from so perfect and radiant a model   She had then on a
dark blue silk dress  her arms and her neck were bare  her only ornament
was her chestnut tresses  which waved over her shoulders with all the
wild grace of natural curls   I took a sheet of fine card board  and drew
a careful outline   I promised myself the pleasure of colouring it  and 
as it was getting late then  I told her she must come and sit another
day 

She made such a report of me to her father  that Mr  Oliver himself
accompanied her next evening  a tall  massive featured  middle aged  and
grey headed man  at whose side his lovely daughter looked like a bright
flower near a hoary turret   He appeared a taciturn  and perhaps a proud
personage  but he was very kind to me   The sketch of Rosamond s portrait
pleased him highly  he said I must make a finished picture of it   He
insisted  too  on my coming the next day to spend the evening at Vale
Hall 

I went   I found it a large  handsome residence  showing abundant
evidences of wealth in the proprietor   Rosamond was full of glee and
pleasure all the time I stayed   Her father was affable  and when he
entered into conversation with me after tea  he expressed in strong terms
his approbation of what I had done in Morton school  and said he only
feared  from what he saw and heard  I was too good for the place  and
would soon quit it for one more suitable 

 Indeed   cried Rosamond   she is clever enough to be a governess in a
high family  papa  

I thought I would far rather be where I am than in any high family in the
land   Mr  Oliver spoke of Mr  Rivers  of the Rivers family  with great
respect   He said it was a very old name in that neighbourhood  that the
ancestors of the house were wealthy  that all Morton had once belonged to
them  that even now he considered the representative of that house might 
if he liked  make an alliance with the best   He accounted it a pity that
so fine and talented a young man should have formed the design of going
out as a missionary  it was quite throwing a valuable life away   It
appeared  then  that her father would throw no obstacle in the way of
Rosamond s union with St  John   Mr  Oliver evidently regarded the young
clergyman s good birth  old name  and sacred profession as sufficient
compensation for the want of fortune 

It was the 5th of November  and a holiday   My little servant  after
helping me to clean my house  was gone  well satisfied with the fee of a
penny for her aid   All about me was spotless and bright  scoured floor 
polished grate  and well rubbed chairs   I had also made myself neat  and
had now the afternoon before me to spend as I would 

The translation of a few pages of German occupied an hour  then I got my
palette and pencils  and fell to the more soothing  because easier
occupation  of completing Rosamond Oliver s miniature   The head was
finished already  there was but the background to tint and the drapery to
shade off  a touch of carmine  too  to add to the ripe lips  a soft curl
here and there to the tresses  a deeper tinge to the shadow of the lash
under the azured eyelid   I was absorbed in the execution of these nice
details  when  after one rapid tap  my door unclosed  admitting St  John
Rivers 

 I am come to see how you are spending your holiday   he said    Not  I
hope  in thought   No  that is well  while you draw you will not feel
lonely   You see  I mistrust you still  though you have borne up
wonderfully so far   I have brought you a book for evening solace   and
he laid on the table a new publication  a poem  one of those genuine
productions so often vouchsafed to the fortunate public of those days  the
golden age of modern literature   Alas  the readers of our era are less
favoured   But courage   I will not pause either to accuse or repine   I
know poetry is not dead  nor genius lost  nor has Mammon gained power
over either  to bind or slay  they will both assert their existence 
their presence  their liberty and strength again one day   Powerful
angels  safe in heaven  they smile when sordid souls triumph  and feeble
ones weep over their destruction   Poetry destroyed   Genius banished 
No   Mediocrity  no  do not let envy prompt you to the thought   No  they
not only live  but reign and redeem  and without their divine influence
spread everywhere  you would be in hell  the hell of your own meanness 

While I was eagerly glancing at the bright pages of  Marmion   for
 Marmion  it was   St  John stooped to examine my drawing   His tall
figure sprang erect again with a start  he said nothing   I looked up at
him  he shunned my eye   I knew his thoughts well  and could read his
heart plainly  at the moment I felt calmer and cooler than he  I had then
temporarily the advantage of him  and I conceived an inclination to do
him some good  if I could 

 With all his firmness and self control   thought I   he tasks himself
too far  locks every feeling and pang within  expresses  confesses 
imparts nothing   I am sure it would benefit him to talk a little about
this sweet Rosamond  whom he thinks he ought not to marry  I will make
him talk  

I said first   Take a chair  Mr  Rivers    But he answered  as he always
did  that he could not stay    Very well   I responded  mentally   stand
if you like  but you shall not go just yet  I am determined  solitude is
at least as bad for you as it is for me   I ll try if I cannot discover
the secret spring of your confidence  and find an aperture in that marble
breast through which I can shed one drop of the balm of sympathy  

 Is this portrait like   I asked bluntly 

 Like   Like whom   I did not observe it closely  

 You did  Mr  Rivers  

He almost started at my sudden and strange abruptness  he looked at me
astonished    Oh  that is nothing yet   I muttered within    I don t mean
to be baffled by a little stiffness on your part  I m prepared to go to
considerable lengths    I continued   You observed it closely and
distinctly  but I have no objection to your looking at it again   and I
rose and placed it in his hand 

 A well executed picture   he said   very soft  clear colouring  very
graceful and correct drawing  

 Yes  yes  I know all that   But what of the resemblance   Who is it
like  

Mastering some hesitation  he answered   Miss Oliver  I presume  

 Of course   And now  sir  to reward you for the accurate guess  I will
promise to paint you a careful and faithful duplicate of this very
picture  provided you admit that the gift would be acceptable to you   I
don t wish to throw away my time and trouble on an offering you would
deem worthless  

He continued to gaze at the picture  the longer he looked  the firmer he
held it  the more he seemed to covet it    It is like   he murmured   the
eye is well managed  the colour  light  expression  are perfect   It
smiles  

 Would it comfort  or would it wound you to have a similar painting   Tell
me that   When you are at Madagascar  or at the Cape  or in India  would
it be a consolation to have that memento in your possession  or would the
sight of it bring recollections calculated to enervate and distress  

He now furtively raised his eyes  he glanced at me  irresolute 
disturbed  he again surveyed the picture 

 That I should like to have it is certain  whether it would be judicious
or wise is another question  

Since I had ascertained that Rosamond really preferred him  and that her
father was not likely to oppose the match  I  less exalted in my views
than St  John  had been strongly disposed in my own heart to advocate
their union   It seemed to me that  should he become the possessor of Mr 
Oliver s large fortune  he might do as much good with it as if he went
and laid his genius out to wither  and his strength to waste  under a
tropical sun   With this persuasion I now answered  

 As far as I can see  it would be wiser and more judicious if you were to
take to yourself the original at once  

By this time he had sat down  he had laid the picture on the table before
him  and with his brow supported on both hands  hung fondly over it   I
discerned he was now neither angry nor shocked at my audacity   I saw
even that to be thus frankly addressed on a subject he had deemed
unapproachable  to hear it thus freely handled  was beginning to be felt
by him as a new pleasure  an unhoped for relief   Reserved people often
really need the frank discussion of their sentiments and griefs more than
the expansive   The sternest seeming stoic is human after all  and to
 burst  with boldness and good will into  the silent sea  of their souls
is often to confer on them the first of obligations 

 She likes you  I am sure   said I  as I stood behind his chair   and her
father respects you   Moreover  she is a sweet girl  rather thoughtless 
but you would have sufficient thought for both yourself and her   You
ought to marry her  

  Does  she like me   he asked 

 Certainly  better than she likes any one else   She talks of you
continually  there is no subject she enjoys so much or touches upon so
often  

 It is very pleasant to hear this   he said   very  go on for another
quarter of an hour    And he actually took out his watch and laid it upon
the table to measure the time 

 But where is the use of going on   I asked   when you are probably
preparing some iron blow of contradiction  or forging a fresh chain to
fetter your heart  

 Don t imagine such hard things   Fancy me yielding and melting  as I am
doing  human love rising like a freshly opened fountain in my mind and
overflowing with sweet inundation all the field I have so carefully and
with such labour prepared  so assiduously sown with the seeds of good
intentions  of self denying plans   And now it is deluged with a
nectarous flood  the young germs swamped  delicious poison cankering
them  now I see myself stretched on an ottoman in the drawing room at
Vale Hall at my bride Rosamond Oliver s feet  she is talking to me with
her sweet voice  gazing down on me with those eyes your skilful hand has
copied so well  smiling at me with these coral lips   She is mine  I am
hers  this present life and passing world suffice to me   Hush  say
nothing  my heart is full of delight  my senses are entranced  let the
time I marked pass in peace  

I humoured him  the watch ticked on  he breathed fast and low  I stood
silent   Amidst this hush the quartet sped  he replaced the watch  laid
the picture down  rose  and stood on the hearth 

 Now   said he   that little space was given to delirium and delusion   I
rested my temples on the breast of temptation  and put my neck
voluntarily under her yoke of flowers   I tasted her cup   The pillow was
burning  there is an asp in the garland  the wine has a bitter taste  her
promises are hollow  her offers false  I see and know all this  

I gazed at him in wonder 

 It is strange   pursued he   that while I love Rosamond Oliver so
wildly  with all the intensity  indeed  of a first passion  the object of
which is exquisitely beautiful  graceful  fascinating  I experience at
the same time a calm  unwarped consciousness that she would not make me a
good wife  that she is not the partner suited to me  that I should
discover this within a year after marriage  and that to twelve months 
rapture would succeed a lifetime of regret   This I know  

 Strange indeed   I could not help ejaculating 

 While something in me   he went on   is acutely sensible to her charms 
something else is as deeply impressed with her defects  they are such
that she could sympathise in nothing I aspired to  co operate in nothing
I undertook   Rosamond a sufferer  a labourer  a female apostle   Rosamond
a missionary s wife   No  

 But you need not be a missionary   You might relinquish that scheme  

 Relinquish   What  my vocation   My great work   My foundation laid on
earth for a mansion in heaven   My hopes of being numbered in the band
who have merged all ambitions in the glorious one of bettering their
race  of carrying knowledge into the realms of ignorance  of substituting
peace for war  freedom for bondage  religion for superstition  the hope
of heaven for the fear of hell   Must I relinquish that   It is dearer
than the blood in my veins   It is what I have to look forward to  and to
live for  

After a considerable pause  I said   And Miss Oliver   Are her
disappointment and sorrow of no interest to you  

 Miss Oliver is ever surrounded by suitors and flatterers  in less than a
month  my image will be effaced from her heart   She will forget me  and
will marry  probably  some one who will make her far happier than I
should do  

 You speak coolly enough  but you suffer in the conflict   You are
wasting away  

 No   If I get a little thin  it is with anxiety about my prospects  yet
unsettled  my departure  continually procrastinated   Only this morning 
I received intelligence that the successor  whose arrival I have been so
long expecting  cannot be ready to replace me for three months to come
yet  and perhaps the three months may extend to six  

 You tremble and become flushed whenever Miss Oliver enters the
schoolroom  

Again the surprised expression crossed his face   He had not imagined
that a woman would dare to speak so to a man   For me  I felt at home in
this sort of discourse   I could never rest in communication with strong 
discreet  and refined minds  whether male or female  till I had passed
the outworks of conventional reserve  and crossed the threshold of
confidence  and won a place by their heart s very hearthstone 

 You are original   said he   and not timid   There is something brave in
your spirit  as well as penetrating in your eye  but allow me to assure
you that you partially misinterpret my emotions   You think them more
profound and potent than they are   You give me a larger allowance of
sympathy than I have a just claim to   When I colour  and when I shade
before Miss Oliver  I do not pity myself   I scorn the weakness   I know
it is ignoble  a mere fever of the flesh  not  I declare  the convulsion
of the soul    That  is just as fixed as a rock  firm set in the depths
of a restless sea   Know me to be what I am  a cold hard man  

I smiled incredulously 

 You have taken my confidence by storm   he continued   and now it is
much at your service   I am simply  in my original state  stripped of
that blood bleached robe with which Christianity covers human deformity  a
cold  hard  ambitious man   Natural affection only  of all the
sentiments  has permanent power over me   Reason  and not feeling  is my
guide  my ambition is unlimited  my desire to rise higher  to do more
than others  insatiable   I honour endurance  perseverance  industry 
talent  because these are the means by which men achieve great ends and
mount to lofty eminence   I watch your career with interest  because I
consider you a specimen of a diligent  orderly  energetic woman  not
because I deeply compassionate what you have gone through  or what you
still suffer  

 You would describe yourself as a mere pagan philosopher   I said 

 No   There is this difference between me and deistic philosophers  I
believe  and I believe the Gospel   You missed your epithet   I am not a
pagan  but a Christian philosopher  a follower of the sect of Jesus   As
His disciple I adopt His pure  His merciful  His benignant doctrines   I
advocate them  I am sworn to spread them   Won in youth to religion  she
has cultivated my original qualities thus   From the minute germ  natural
affection  she has developed the overshadowing tree  philanthropy   From
the wild stringy root of human uprightness  she has reared a due sense of
the Divine justice   Of the ambition to win power and renown for my
wretched self  she has formed the ambition to spread my Master s kingdom 
to achieve victories for the standard of the cross   So much has religion
done for me  turning the original materials to the best account  pruning
and training nature   But she could not eradicate nature  nor will it be
eradicated  till this mortal shall put on immortality   

Having said this  he took his hat  which lay on the table beside my
palette   Once more he looked at the portrait 

 She  is  lovely   he murmured    She is well named the Rose of the
World  indeed  

 And may I not paint one like it for you  

  Cui bono    No  

He drew over the picture the sheet of thin paper on which I was
accustomed to rest my hand in painting  to prevent the cardboard from
being sullied   What he suddenly saw on this blank paper  it was
impossible for me to tell  but something had caught his eye   He took it
up with a snatch  he looked at the edge  then shot a glance at me 
inexpressibly peculiar  and quite incomprehensible  a glance that seemed
to take and make note of every point in my shape  face  and dress  for it
traversed all  quick  keen as lightning   His lips parted  as if to
speak  but he checked the coming sentence  whatever it was 

 What is the matter   I asked 

 Nothing in the world   was the reply  and  replacing the paper  I saw
him dexterously tear a narrow slip from the margin   It disappeared in
his glove  and  with one hasty nod and  good afternoon   he vanished 

 Well   I exclaimed  using an expression of the district   that caps the
globe  however  

I  in my turn  scrutinised the paper  but saw nothing on it save a few
dingy stains of paint where I had tried the tint in my pencil   I
pondered the mystery a minute or two  but finding it insolvable  and
being certain it could not be of much moment  I dismissed  and soon
forgot it 




CHAPTER XXXIII


When Mr  St  John went  it was beginning to snow  the whirling storm
continued all night   The next day a keen wind brought fresh and blinding
falls  by twilight the valley was drifted up and almost impassable   I
had closed my shutter  laid a mat to the door to prevent the snow from
blowing in under it  trimmed my fire  and after sitting nearly an hour on
the hearth listening to the muffled fury of the tempest  I lit a candle 
took down  Marmion   and beginning  

    Day set on Norham s castled steep 
   And Tweed s fair river broad and deep 
      And Cheviot s mountains lone 
   The massive towers  the donjon keep 
   The flanking walls that round them sweep 
      In yellow lustre shone   

I soon forgot storm in music 

I heard a noise  the wind  I thought  shook the door   No  it was St 
John Rivers  who  lifting the latch  came in out of the frozen
hurricane  the howling darkness  and stood before me  the cloak that
covered his tall figure all white as a glacier   I was almost in
consternation  so little had I expected any guest from the blocked up
vale that night 

 Any ill news   I demanded    Has anything happened  

 No   How very easily alarmed you are   he answered  removing his cloak
and hanging it up against the door  towards which he again coolly pushed
the mat which his entrance had deranged   He stamped the snow from his
boots 

 I shall sully the purity of your floor   said he   but you must excuse
me for once    Then he approached the fire    I have had hard work to get
here  I assure you   he observed  as he warmed his hands over the flame 
 One drift took me up to the waist  happily the snow is quite soft yet  

 But why are you come   I could not forbear saying 

 Rather an inhospitable question to put to a visitor  but since you ask
it  I answer simply to have a little talk with you  I got tired of my
mute books and empty rooms   Besides  since yesterday I have experienced
the excitement of a person to whom a tale has been half told  and who is
impatient to hear the sequel  

He sat down   I recalled his singular conduct of yesterday  and really I
began to fear his wits were touched   If he were insane  however  his was
a very cool and collected insanity  I had never seen that
handsome featured face of his look more like chiselled marble than it did
just now  as he put aside his snow wet hair from his forehead and let the
firelight shine free on his pale brow and cheek as pale  where it grieved
me to discover the hollow trace of care or sorrow now so plainly graved 
I waited  expecting he would say something I could at least comprehend 
but his hand was now at his chin  his finger on his lip  he was thinking 
It struck me that his hand looked wasted like his face   A perhaps
uncalled for gush of pity came over my heart  I was moved to say  

 I wish Diana or Mary would come and live with you  it is too bad that
you should be quite alone  and you are recklessly rash about your own
health  

 Not at all   said he   I care for myself when necessary   I am well now 
What do you see amiss in me  

This was said with a careless  abstracted indifference  which showed that
my solicitude was  at least in his opinion  wholly superfluous   I was
silenced 

He still slowly moved his finger over his upper lip  and still his eye
dwelt dreamily on the glowing grate  thinking it urgent to say something 
I asked him presently if he felt any cold draught from the door  which
was behind him 

 No  no   he responded shortly and somewhat testily 

 Well   I reflected   if you won t talk  you may be still  I ll let you
alone now  and return to my book  

So I snuffed the candle and resumed the perusal of  Marmion    He soon
stirred  my eye was instantly drawn to his movements  he only took out a
morocco pocket book  thence produced a letter  which he read in silence 
folded it  put it back  relapsed into meditation   It was vain to try to
read with such an inscrutable fixture before me  nor could I  in
impatience  consent to be dumb  he might rebuff me if he liked  but talk
I would 

 Have you heard from Diana and Mary lately  

 Not since the letter I showed you a week ago  

 There has not been any change made about your own arrangements   You
will not be summoned to leave England sooner than you expected  

 I fear not  indeed  such chance is too good to befall me    Baffled so
far  I changed my ground   I bethought myself to talk about the school
and my scholars 

 Mary Garrett s mother is better  and Mary came back to the school this
morning  and I shall have four new girls next week from the Foundry
Close  they would have come to day but for the snow  

 Indeed  

 Mr  Oliver pays for two  

 Does he  

 He means to give the whole school a treat at Christmas  

 I know  

 Was it your suggestion  

 No  

 Whose  then  

 His daughter s  I think  

 It is like her  she is so good natured  

 Yes  

Again came the blank of a pause  the clock struck eight strokes   It
aroused him  he uncrossed his legs  sat erect  turned to me 

 Leave your book a moment  and come a little nearer the fire   he said 

Wondering  and of my wonder finding no end  I complied 

 Half an hour ago   he pursued   I spoke of my impatience to hear the
sequel of a tale  on reflection  I find the matter will be better managed
by my assuming the narrator s part  and converting you into a listener 
Before commencing  it is but fair to warn you that the story will sound
somewhat hackneyed in your ears  but stale details often regain a degree
of freshness when they pass through new lips   For the rest  whether
trite or novel  it is short 

 Twenty years ago  a poor curate  never mind his name at this moment  fell
in love with a rich man s daughter  she fell in love with him  and
married him  against the advice of all her friends  who consequently
disowned her immediately after the wedding   Before two years passed  the
rash pair were both dead  and laid quietly side by side under one slab 
 I have seen their grave  it formed part of the pavement of a huge
churchyard surrounding the grim  soot black old cathedral of an overgrown
manufacturing town in    shire    They left a daughter  which  at its
very birth  Charity received in her lap  cold as that of the snow drift I
almost stuck fast in to night   Charity carried the friendless thing to
the house of its rich maternal relations  it was reared by an aunt in 
law  called  I come to names now  Mrs  Reed of Gateshead   You start  did
you hear a noise   I daresay it is only a rat scrambling along the
rafters of the adjoining schoolroom  it was a barn before I had it
repaired and altered  and barns are generally haunted by rats   To
proceed   Mrs  Reed kept the orphan ten years  whether it was happy or
not with her  I cannot say  never having been told  but at the end of
that time she transferred it to a place you know  being no other than
Lowood School  where you so long resided yourself   It seems her career
there was very honourable  from a pupil  she became a teacher  like
yourself  really it strikes me there are parallel points in her history
and yours  she left it to be a governess  there  again  your fates were
analogous  she undertook the education of the ward of a certain Mr 
Rochester  

 Mr  Rivers   I interrupted 

 I can guess your feelings   he said   but restrain them for a while  I
have nearly finished  hear me to the end   Of Mr  Rochester s character I
know nothing  but the one fact that he professed to offer honourable
marriage to this young girl  and that at the very altar she discovered he
had a wife yet alive  though a lunatic   What his subsequent conduct and
proposals were is a matter of pure conjecture  but when an event
transpired which rendered inquiry after the governess necessary  it was
discovered she was gone  no one could tell when  where  or how   She had
left Thornfield Hall in the night  every research after her course had
been vain  the country had been scoured far and wide  no vestige of
information could be gathered respecting her   Yet that she should be
found is become a matter of serious urgency  advertisements have been put
in all the papers  I myself have received a letter from one Mr  Briggs  a
solicitor  communicating the details I have just imparted   Is it not an
odd tale  

 Just tell me this   said I   and since you know so much  you surely can
tell it me  what of Mr  Rochester   How and where is he   What is he
doing   Is he well  

 I am ignorant of all concerning Mr  Rochester  the letter never mentions
him but to narrate the fraudulent and illegal attempt I have adverted to 
You should rather ask the name of the governess  the nature of the event
which requires her appearance  

 Did no one go to Thornfield Hall  then   Did no one see Mr  Rochester  

 I suppose not  

 But they wrote to him  

 Of course  

 And what did he say   Who has his letters  

 Mr  Briggs intimates that the answer to his application was not from Mr 
Rochester  but from a lady  it is signed  Alice Fairfax   

I felt cold and dismayed  my worst fears then were probably true  he had
in all probability left England and rushed in reckless desperation to
some former haunt on the Continent   And what opiate for his severe
sufferings  what object for his strong passions  had he sought there   I
dared not answer the question   Oh  my poor master  once almost my
husband  whom I had often called  my dear Edward  

 He must have been a bad man   observed Mr  Rivers 

 You don t know him  don t pronounce an opinion upon him   I said  with
warmth 

 Very well   he answered quietly   and indeed my head is otherwise
occupied than with him  I have my tale to finish   Since you won t ask
the governess s name  I must tell it of my own accord   Stay   I have it
here  it is always more satisfactory to see important points written
down  fairly committed to black and white  

And the pocket book was again deliberately produced  opened  sought
through  from one of its compartments was extracted a shabby slip of
paper  hastily torn off  I recognised in its texture and its stains of
ultra marine  and lake  and vermillion  the ravished margin of the
portrait cover   He got up  held it close to my eyes  and I read  traced
in Indian ink  in my own handwriting  the words  JANE EYRE   the work
doubtless of some moment of abstraction 

 Briggs wrote to me of a Jane Eyre   he said   the advertisements
demanded a Jane Eyre  I knew a Jane Elliott   I confess I had my
suspicions  but it was only yesterday afternoon they were at once
resolved into certainty   You own the name and renounce the  alias   

 Yes  yes  but where is Mr  Briggs   He perhaps knows more of Mr 
Rochester than you do  

 Briggs is in London   I should doubt his knowing anything at all about
Mr  Rochester  it is not in Mr  Rochester he is interested   Meantime 
you forget essential points in pursuing trifles  you do not inquire why
Mr  Briggs sought after you  what he wanted with you  

 Well  what did he want  

 Merely to tell you that your uncle  Mr  Eyre of Madeira  is dead  that
he has left you all his property  and that you are now rich  merely
that  nothing more  

 I   rich  

 Yes  you  rich  quite an heiress  

Silence succeeded 

 You must prove your identity of course   resumed St  John presently   a
step which will offer no difficulties  you can then enter on immediate
possession   Your fortune is vested in the English funds  Briggs has the
will and the necessary documents  

Here was a new card turned up   It is a fine thing  reader  to be lifted
in a moment from indigence to wealth  a very fine thing  but not a matter
one can comprehend  or consequently enjoy  all at once   And then there
are other chances in life far more thrilling and rapture giving   this 
is solid  an affair of the actual world  nothing ideal about it  all its
associations are solid and sober  and its manifestations are the same 
One does not jump  and spring  and shout hurrah  at hearing one has got a
fortune  one begins to consider responsibilities  and to ponder business 
on a base of steady satisfaction rise certain grave cares  and we contain
ourselves  and brood over our bliss with a solemn brow 

Besides  the words Legacy  Bequest  go side by side with the words 
Death  Funeral   My uncle I had heard was dead  my only relative  ever
since being made aware of his existence  I had cherished the hope of one
day seeing him  now  I never should   And then this money came only to
me  not to me and a rejoicing family  but to my isolated self   It was a
grand boon doubtless  and independence would be glorious  yes  I felt
that  that thought swelled my heart 

 You unbend your forehead at last   said Mr  Rivers    I thought Medusa
had looked at you  and that you were turning to stone   Perhaps now you
will ask how much you are worth  

 How much am I worth  

 Oh  a trifle   Nothing of course to speak of  twenty thousand pounds  I
think they say  but what is that  

 Twenty thousand pounds  

Here was a new stunner  I had been calculating on four or five thousand 
This news actually took my breath for a moment  Mr  St  John  whom I had
never heard laugh before  laughed now 

 Well   said he   if you had committed a murder  and I had told you your
crime was discovered  you could scarcely look more aghast  

 It is a large sum  don t you think there is a mistake  

 No mistake at all  

 Perhaps you have read the figures wrong  it may be two thousand  

 It is written in letters  not figures   twenty thousand  

I again felt rather like an individual of but average gastronomical
powers sitting down to feast alone at a table spread with provisions for
a hundred   Mr  Rivers rose now and put his cloak on 

 If it were not such a very wild night   he said   I would send Hannah
down to keep you company  you look too desperately miserable to be left
alone   But Hannah  poor woman  could not stride the drifts so well as I 
her legs are not quite so long  so I must e en leave you to your sorrows 
Good night  

He was lifting the latch  a sudden thought occurred to me    Stop one
minute   I cried 

 Well  

 It puzzles me to know why Mr  Briggs wrote to you about me  or how he
knew you  or could fancy that you  living in such an out of the way
place  had the power to aid in my discovery  

 Oh   I am a clergyman   he said   and the clergy are often appealed to
about odd matters    Again the latch rattled 

 No  that does not satisfy me   I exclaimed  and indeed there was
something in the hasty and unexplanatory reply which  instead of
allaying  piqued my curiosity more than ever 

 It is a very strange piece of business   I added   I must know more
about it  

 Another time  

 No  to night   to night   and as he turned from the door  I placed
myself between it and him   He looked rather embarrassed 

 You certainly shall not go till you have told me all   I said 

 I would rather not just now  

 You shall   you must  

 I would rather Diana or Mary informed you  

Of course these objections wrought my eagerness to a climax  gratified it
must be  and that without delay  and I told him so 

 But I apprised you that I was a hard man   said he   difficult to
persuade  

 And I am a hard woman   impossible to put off  

 And I am a hard woman   impossible to put off  p369 jpg 

 And then   he pursued   I am cold  no fervour infects me  

 Whereas I am hot  and fire dissolves ice   The blaze there has thawed
all the snow from your cloak  by the same token  it has streamed on to my
floor  and made it like a trampled street   As you hope ever to be
forgiven  Mr  Rivers  the high crime and misdemeanour of spoiling a
sanded kitchen  tell me what I wish to know  

 Well  then   he said   I yield  if not to your earnestness  to your
perseverance  as stone is worn by continual dropping   Besides  you must
know some day   as well now as later   Your name is Jane Eyre  

 Of course  that was all settled before  

 You are not  perhaps  aware that I am your namesake   that I was
christened St  John Eyre Rivers  

 No  indeed   I remember now seeing the letter E  comprised in your
initials written in books you have at different times lent me  but I
never asked for what name it stood   But what then   Surely   

I stopped  I could not trust myself to entertain  much less to express 
the thought that rushed upon me  that embodied itself   that  in a
second  stood out a strong  solid probability   Circumstances knit
themselves  fitted themselves  shot into order  the chain that had been
lying hitherto a formless lump of links was drawn out straight   every
ring was perfect  the connection complete   I knew  by instinct  how the
matter stood  before St  John had said another word  but I cannot expect
the reader to have the same intuitive perception  so I must repeat his
explanation 

 My mother s name was Eyre  she had two brothers  one a clergyman  who
married Miss Jane Reed  of Gateshead  the other  John Eyre  Esq  
merchant  late of Funchal  Madeira   Mr  Briggs  being Mr  Eyre s
solicitor  wrote to us last August to inform us of our uncle s death  and
to say that he had left his property to his brother the clergyman s
orphan daughter  overlooking us  in consequence of a quarrel  never
forgiven  between him and my father   He wrote again a few weeks since 
to intimate that the heiress was lost  and asking if we knew anything of
her   A name casually written on a slip of paper has enabled me to find
her out   You know the rest    Again he was going  but I set my back
against the door 

 Do let me speak   I said   let me have one moment to draw breath and
reflect    I paused  he stood before me  hat in hand  looking composed
enough   I resumed  

 Your mother was my father s sister  

 Yes  

 My aunt  consequently  

He bowed 

 My uncle John was your uncle John   You  Diana  and Mary are his
sister s children  as I am his brother s child  

 Undeniably  

 You three  then  are my cousins  half our blood on each side flows from
the same source  

 We are cousins  yes  

I surveyed him   It seemed I had found a brother  one I could be proud
of   one I could love  and two sisters  whose qualities were such  that 
when I knew them but as mere strangers  they had inspired me with genuine
affection and admiration   The two girls  on whom  kneeling down on the
wet ground  and looking through the low  latticed window of Moor House
kitchen  I had gazed with so bitter a mixture of interest and despair 
were my near kinswomen  and the young and stately gentleman who had found
me almost dying at his threshold was my blood relation   Glorious
discovery to a lonely wretch   This was wealth indeed   wealth to the
heart   a mine of pure  genial affections   This was a blessing  bright 
vivid  and exhilarating   not like the ponderous gift of gold  rich and
welcome enough in its way  but sobering from its weight   I now clapped
my hands in sudden joy  my pulse bounded  my veins thrilled 

 Oh  I am glad   I am glad   I exclaimed 

St  John smiled    Did I not say you neglected essential points to pursue
trifles   he asked    You were serious when I told you you had got a
fortune  and now  for a matter of no moment  you are excited  

 What can you mean   It may be of no moment to you  you have sisters and
don t care for a cousin  but I had nobody  and now three relations   or
two  if you don t choose to be counted   are born into my world
full grown   I say again  I am glad  

I walked fast through the room  I stopped  half suffocated with the
thoughts that rose faster than I could receive  comprehend  settle
them   thoughts of what might  could  would  and should be  and that ere
long   I looked at the blank wall  it seemed a sky thick with ascending
stars   every one lit me to a purpose or delight   Those who had saved my
life  whom  till this hour  I had loved barrenly  I could now benefit 
They were under a yoke   I could free them  they were scattered   I could
reunite them  the independence  the affluence which was mine  might be
theirs too   Were we not four   Twenty thousand pounds shared equally
would be five thousand each  justice  enough and to spare  justice would
be done   mutual happiness secured   Now the wealth did not weigh on me 
now it was not a mere bequest of coin   it was a legacy of life  hope 
enjoyment 

How I looked while these ideas were taking my spirit by storm  I cannot
tell  but I perceived soon that Mr  Rivers had placed a chair behind me 
and was gently attempting to make me sit down on it   He also advised me
to be composed  I scorned the insinuation of helplessness and
distraction  shook off his hand  and began to walk about again 

 Write to Diana and Mary to morrow   I said   and tell them to come home
directly   Diana said they would both consider themselves rich with a
thousand pounds  so with five thousand they will do very well  

 Tell me where I can get you a glass of water   said St  John   you must
really make an effort to tranquillise your feelings  

 Nonsense  and what sort of an effect will the bequest have on you   Will
it keep you in England  induce you to marry Miss Oliver  and settle down
like an ordinary mortal  

 You wander  your head becomes confused   I have been too abrupt in
communicating the news  it has excited you beyond your strength  

 Mr  Rivers  you quite put me out of patience  I am rational enough  it
is you who misunderstand  or rather who affect to misunderstand  

 Perhaps  if you explained yourself a little more fully  I should
comprehend better  

 Explain   What is there to explain   You cannot fail to see that twenty
thousand pounds  the sum in question  divided equally between the nephew
and three nieces of our uncle  will give five thousand to each   What I
want is  that you should write to your sisters and tell them of the
fortune that has accrued to them  

 To you  you mean  

 I have intimated my view of the case  I am incapable of taking any
other   I am not brutally selfish  blindly unjust  or fiendishly
ungrateful   Besides  I am resolved I will have a home and connections   I
like Moor House  and I will live at Moor House  I like Diana and Mary 
and I will attach myself for life to Diana and Mary   It would please and
benefit me to have five thousand pounds  it would torment and oppress me
to have twenty thousand  which  moreover  could never be mine in justice 
though it might in law   I abandon to you  then  what is absolutely
superfluous to me   Let there be no opposition  and no discussion about
it  let us agree amongst each other  and decide the point at once  

 This is acting on first impulses  you must take days to consider such a
matter  ere your word can be regarded as valid  

 Oh  if all you doubt is my sincerity  I am easy  you see the justice of
the case  

 I  do  see a certain justice  but it is contrary to all custom   Besides 
the entire fortune is your right  my uncle gained it by his own efforts 
he was free to leave it to whom he would  he left it to you   After all 
justice permits you to keep it  you may  with a clear conscience 
consider it absolutely your own  

 With me   said I   it is fully as much a matter of feeling as of
conscience  I must indulge my feelings  I so seldom have had an
opportunity of doing so   Were you to argue  object  and annoy me for a
year  I could not forego the delicious pleasure of which I have caught a
glimpse  that of repaying  in part  a mighty obligation  and winning to
myself lifelong friends  

 You think so now   rejoined St  John   because you do not know what it
is to possess  nor consequently to enjoy wealth  you cannot form a notion
of the importance twenty thousand pounds would give you  of the place it
would enable you to take in society  of the prospects it would open to
you  you cannot   

 And you   I interrupted   cannot at all imagine the craving I have for
fraternal and sisterly love   I never had a home  I never had brothers or
sisters  I must and will have them now  you are not reluctant to admit me
and own me  are you  

 Jane  I will be your brother  my sisters will be your sisters  without
stipulating for this sacrifice of your just rights  

 Brother   Yes  at the distance of a thousand leagues   Sisters   Yes 
slaving amongst strangers   I  wealthy  gorged with gold I never earned
and do not merit   You  penniless   Famous equality and fraternisation 
Close union   Intimate attachment  

 But  Jane  your aspirations after family ties and domestic happiness may
be realised otherwise than by the means you contemplate  you may marry  

 Nonsense  again   Marry   I don t want to marry  and never shall marry  

 That is saying too much  such hazardous affirmations are a proof of the
excitement under which you labour  

 It is not saying too much  I know what I feel  and how averse are my
inclinations to the bare thought of marriage   No one would take me for
love  and I will not be regarded in the light of a mere money
speculation   And I do not want a stranger  unsympathising  alien 
different from me  I want my kindred  those with whom I have full fellow 
feeling   Say again you will be my brother  when you uttered the words I
was satisfied  happy  repeat them  if you can  repeat them sincerely  

 I think I can   I know I have always loved my own sisters  and I know on
what my affection for them is grounded   respect for their worth and
admiration of their talents   You too have principle and mind  your
tastes and habits resemble Diana s and Mary s  your presence is always
agreeable to me  in your conversation I have already for some time found
a salutary solace   I feel I can easily and naturally make room in my
heart for you  as my third and youngest sister  

 Thank you  that contents me for to night   Now you had better go  for if
you stay longer  you will perhaps irritate me afresh by some mistrustful
scruple  

 And the school  Miss Eyre   It must now be shut up  I suppose  

 No   I will retain my post of mistress till you get a substitute  

He smiled approbation  we shook hands  and he took leave 

I need not narrate in detail the further struggles I had  and arguments I
used  to get matters regarding the legacy settled as I wished   My task
was a very hard one  but  as I was absolutely resolved  as my cousins saw
at length that my mind was really and immutably fixed on making a just
division of the property  as they must in their own hearts have felt the
equity of the intention  and must  besides  have been innately conscious
that in my place they would have done precisely what I wished to do  they
yielded at length so far as to consent to put the affair to arbitration 
The judges chosen were Mr  Oliver and an able lawyer  both coincided in
my opinion  I carried my point   The instruments of transfer were drawn
out  St  John  Diana  Mary  and I  each became possessed of a competency 




CHAPTER XXXIV


It was near Christmas by the time all was settled  the season of general
holiday approached   I now closed Morton school  taking care that the
parting should not be barren on my side   Good fortune opens the hand as
well as the heart wonderfully  and to give somewhat when we have largely
received  is but to afford a vent to the unusual ebullition of the
sensations   I had long felt with pleasure that many of my rustic
scholars liked me  and when we parted  that consciousness was confirmed 
they manifested their affection plainly and strongly   Deep was my
gratification to find I had really a place in their unsophisticated
hearts  I promised them that never a week should pass in future that I
did not visit them  and give them an hour s teaching in their school 

Mr  Rivers came up as  having seen the classes  now numbering sixty
girls  file out before me  and locked the door  I stood with the key in
my hand  exchanging a few words of special farewell with some half dozen
of my best scholars  as decent  respectable  modest  and well informed
young women as could be found in the ranks of the British peasantry   And
that is saying a great deal  for after all  the British peasantry are the
best taught  best mannered  most self respecting of any in Europe  since
those days I have seen paysannes and Bauerinnen  and the best of them
seemed to me ignorant  coarse  and besotted  compared with my Morton
girls 

 Do you consider you have got your reward for a season of exertion  
asked Mr  Rivers  when they were gone    Does not the consciousness of
having done some real good in your day and generation give pleasure  

 Doubtless  

 And you have only toiled a few months   Would not a life devoted to the
task of regenerating your race be well spent  

 Yes   I said   but I could not go on for ever so  I want to enjoy my own
faculties as well as to cultivate those of other people   I must enjoy
them now  don t recall either my mind or body to the school  I am out of
it and disposed for full holiday  

He looked grave    What now   What sudden eagerness is this you evince 
What are you going to do  

 To be active  as active as I can   And first I must beg you to set
Hannah at liberty  and get somebody else to wait on you  

 Do you want her  

 Yes  to go with me to Moor House   Diana and Mary will be at home in a
week  and I want to have everything in order against their arrival  

 I understand   I thought you were for flying off on some excursion   It
is better so  Hannah shall go with you  

 Tell her to be ready by to morrow then  and here is the schoolroom key 
I will give you the key of my cottage in the morning  

He took it    You give it up very gleefully   said he   I don t quite
understand your light heartedness  because I cannot tell what employment
you propose to yourself as a substitute for the one you are
relinquishing   What aim  what purpose  what ambition in life have you
now  

 My first aim will be to  clean down   do you comprehend the full force
of the expression    to  clean down  Moor House from chamber to cellar 
my next to rub it up with bees wax  oil  and an indefinite number of
cloths  till it glitters again  my third  to arrange every chair  table 
bed  carpet  with mathematical precision  afterwards I shall go near to
ruin you in coals and peat to keep up good fires in every room  and
lastly  the two days preceding that on which your sisters are expected
will be devoted by Hannah and me to such a beating of eggs  sorting of
currants  grating of spices  compounding of Christmas cakes  chopping up
of materials for mince pies  and solemnising of other culinary rites  as
words can convey but an inadequate notion of to the uninitiated like you 
My purpose  in short  is to have all things in an absolutely perfect
state of readiness for Diana and Mary before next Thursday  and my
ambition is to give them a beau ideal of a welcome when they come  

St  John smiled slightly  still he was dissatisfied 

 It is all very well for the present   said he   but seriously  I trust
that when the first flush of vivacity is over  you will look a little
higher than domestic endearments and household joys  

 The best things the world has   I interrupted 

 No  Jane  no  this world is not the scene of fruition  do not attempt to
make it so  nor of rest  do not turn slothful  

 I mean  on the contrary  to be busy  

 Jane  I excuse you for the present  two months  grace I allow you for
the full enjoyment of your new position  and for pleasing yourself with
this late found charm of relationship  but  then   I hope you will begin
to look beyond Moor House and Morton  and sisterly society  and the
selfish calm and sensual comfort of civilised affluence   I hope your
energies will then once more trouble you with their strength  

I looked at him with surprise    St  John   I said   I think you are
almost wicked to talk so   I am disposed to be as content as a queen  and
you try to stir me up to restlessness   To what end  

 To the end of turning to profit the talents which God has committed to
your keeping  and of which He will surely one day demand a strict
account   Jane  I shall watch you closely and anxiously  I warn you of
that   And try to restrain the disproportionate fervour with which you
throw yourself into commonplace home pleasures   Don t cling so
tenaciously to ties of the flesh  save your constancy and ardour for an
adequate cause  forbear to waste them on trite transient objects   Do you
hear  Jane  

 Yes  just as if you were speaking Greek   I feel I have adequate cause
to be happy  and I  will  be happy   Goodbye  

Happy at Moor House I was  and hard I worked  and so did Hannah  she was
charmed to see how jovial I could be amidst the bustle of a house turned
topsy turvy  how I could brush  and dust  and clean  and cook   And
really  after a day or two of confusion worse confounded  it was
delightful by degrees to invoke order from the chaos ourselves had made 
I had previously taken a journey to S    to purchase some new furniture 
my cousins having given me  carte blanche  to effect what alterations I
pleased  and a sum having been set aside for that purpose   The ordinary
sitting room and bedrooms I left much as they were  for I knew Diana and
Mary would derive more pleasure from seeing again the old homely tables 
and chairs  and beds  than from the spectacle of the smartest
innovations   Still some novelty was necessary  to give to their return
the piquancy with which I wished it to be invested   Dark handsome new
carpets and curtains  an arrangement of some carefully selected antique
ornaments in porcelain and bronze  new coverings  and mirrors  and
dressing cases  for the toilet tables  answered the end  they looked
fresh without being glaring   A spare parlour and bedroom I refurnished
entirely  with old mahogany and crimson upholstery  I laid canvas on the
passage  and carpets on the stairs   When all was finished  I thought
Moor House as complete a model of bright modest snugness within  as it
was  at this season  a specimen of wintry waste and desert dreariness
without 

The eventful Thursday at length came   They were expected about dark  and
ere dusk fires were lit upstairs and below  the kitchen was in perfect
trim  Hannah and I were dressed  and all was in readiness 

St  John arrived first   I had entreated him to keep quite clear of the
house till everything was arranged  and  indeed  the bare idea of the
commotion  at once sordid and trivial  going on within its walls sufficed
to scare him to estrangement   He found me in the kitchen  watching the
progress of certain cakes for tea  then baking   Approaching the hearth 
he asked   If I was at last satisfied with housemaid s work    I answered
by inviting him to accompany me on a general inspection of the result of
my labours   With some difficulty  I got him to make the tour of the
house   He just looked in at the doors I opened  and when he had wandered
upstairs and downstairs  he said I must have gone through a great deal of
fatigue and trouble to have effected such considerable changes in so
short a time  but not a syllable did he utter indicating pleasure in the
improved aspect of his abode 

This silence damped me   I thought perhaps the alterations had disturbed
some old associations he valued   I inquired whether this was the case 
no doubt in a somewhat crest fallen tone 

 Not at all  he had  on the contrary  remarked that I had scrupulously
respected every association  he feared  indeed  I must have bestowed more
thought on the matter than it was worth   How many minutes  for instance 
had I devoted to studying the arrangement of this very room   By the bye 
could I tell him where such a book was  

I showed him the volume on the shelf  he took it down  and withdrawing to
his accustomed window recess  he began to read it 

Now  I did not like this  reader   St  John was a good man  but I began
to feel he had spoken truth of himself when he said he was hard and cold 
The humanities and amenities of life had no attraction for him  its
peaceful enjoyments no charm   Literally  he lived only to aspire  after
what was good and great  certainly  but still he would never rest  nor
approve of others resting round him   As I looked at his lofty forehead 
still and pale as a white stone  at his fine lineaments fixed in study  I
comprehended all at once that he would hardly make a good husband  that
it would be a trying thing to be his wife   I understood  as by
inspiration  the nature of his love for Miss Oliver  I agreed with him
that it was but a love of the senses   I comprehended how he should
despise himself for the feverish influence it exercised over him  how he
should wish to stifle and destroy it  how he should mistrust its ever
conducting permanently to his happiness or hers   I saw he was of the
material from which nature hews her heroes  Christian and Pagan  her
lawgivers  her statesmen  her conquerors  a steadfast bulwark for great
interests to rest upon  but  at the fireside  too often a cold cumbrous
column  gloomy and out of place 

 This parlour is not his sphere   I reflected   the Himalayan ridge or
Caffre bush  even the plague cursed Guinea Coast swamp would suit him
better   Well may he eschew the calm of domestic life  it is not his
element  there his faculties stagnate  they cannot develop or appear to
advantage   It is in scenes of strife and danger  where courage is
proved  and energy exercised  and fortitude tasked  that he will speak
and move  the leader and superior   A merry child would have the
advantage of him on this hearth   He is right to choose a missionary s
career  I see it now  

 They are coming  they are coming   cried Hannah  throwing open the
parlour door   At the same moment old Carlo barked joyfully   Out I ran 
It was now dark  but a rumbling of wheels was audible   Hannah soon had a
lantern lit   The vehicle had stopped at the wicket  the driver opened
the door  first one well known form  then another  stepped out   In a
minute I had my face under their bonnets  in contact first with Mary s
soft cheek  then with Diana s flowing curls   They laughed  kissed
me  then Hannah  patted Carlo  who was half wild with delight  asked
eagerly if all was well  and being assured in the affirmative  hastened
into the house 

They were stiff with their long and jolting drive from Whitcross  and
chilled with the frosty night air  but their pleasant countenances
expanded to the cheerful firelight   While the driver and Hannah brought
in the boxes  they demanded St  John   At this moment he advanced from
the parlour   They both threw their arms round his neck at once   He gave
each one quiet kiss  said in a low tone a few words of welcome  stood a
while to be talked to  and then  intimating that he supposed they would
soon rejoin him in the parlour  withdrew there as to a place of refuge 

I had lit their candles to go upstairs  but Diana had first to give
hospitable orders respecting the driver  this done  both followed me 
They were delighted with the renovation and decorations of their rooms 
with the new drapery  and fresh carpets  and rich tinted china vases 
they expressed their gratification ungrudgingly   I had the pleasure of
feeling that my arrangements met their wishes exactly  and that what I
had done added a vivid charm to their joyous return home 

Sweet was that evening   My cousins  full of exhilaration  were so
eloquent in narrative and comment  that their fluency covered St  John s
taciturnity  he was sincerely glad to see his sisters  but in their glow
of fervour and flow of joy he could not sympathise   The event of the
day  that is  the return of Diana and Mary  pleased him  but the
accompaniments of that event  the glad tumult  the garrulous glee of
reception irked him  I saw he wished the calmer morrow was come   In the
very meridian of the night s enjoyment  about an hour after tea  a rap
was heard at the door   Hannah entered with the intimation that  a poor
lad was come  at that unlikely time  to fetch Mr  Rivers to see his
mother  who was drawing away  

 Where does she live  Hannah  

 Clear up at Whitcross Brow  almost four miles off  and moor and moss all
the way  

 Tell him I will go  

 I m sure  sir  you had better not   It s the worst road to travel after
dark that can be  there s no track at all over the bog   And then it is
such a bitter night  the keenest wind you ever felt   You had better send
word  sir  that you will be there in the morning  

But he was already in the passage  putting on his cloak  and without one
objection  one murmur  he departed   It was then nine o clock  he did not
return till midnight   Starved and tired enough he was  but he looked
happier than when he set out   He had performed an act of duty  made an
exertion  felt his own strength to do and deny  and was on better terms
with himself 

I am afraid the whole of the ensuing week tried his patience   It was
Christmas week  we took to no settled employment  but spent it in a sort
of merry domestic dissipation   The air of the moors  the freedom of
home  the dawn of prosperity  acted on Diana and Mary s spirits like some
life giving elixir  they were gay from morning till noon  and from noon
till night   They could always talk  and their discourse  witty  pithy 
original  had such charms for me  that I preferred listening to  and
sharing in it  to doing anything else   St  John did not rebuke our
vivacity  but he escaped from it  he was seldom in the house  his parish
was large  the population scattered  and he found daily business in
visiting the sick and poor in its different districts 

One morning at breakfast  Diana  after looking a little pensive for some
minutes  asked him   If his plans were yet unchanged  

 Unchanged and unchangeable   was the reply   And he proceeded to inform
us that his departure from England was now definitively fixed for the
ensuing year 

 And Rosamond Oliver   suggested Mary  the words seeming to escape her
lips involuntarily  for no sooner had she uttered them  than she made a
gesture as if wishing to recall them   St  John had a book in his hand  it
was his unsocial custom to read at meals  he closed it  and looked up 

 Rosamond Oliver   said he   is about to be married to Mr  Granby  one of
the best connected and most estimable residents in S   grandson and heir
to Sir Frederic Granby  I had the intelligence from her father
yesterday  

His sisters looked at each other and at me  we all three looked at him 
he was serene as glass 

 The match must have been got up hastily   said Diana   they cannot have
known each other long  

 But two months  they met in October at the county ball at S    But where
there are no obstacles to a union  as in the present case  where the
connection is in every point desirable  delays are unnecessary  they will
be married as soon as S    Place  which Sir Frederic gives up to them 
can he refitted for their reception  

The first time I found St  John alone after this communication  I felt
tempted to inquire if the event distressed him  but he seemed so little
to need sympathy  that  so far from venturing to offer him more  I
experienced some shame at the recollection of what I had already
hazarded   Besides  I was out of practice in talking to him  his reserve
was again frozen over  and my frankness was congealed beneath it   He had
not kept his promise of treating me like his sisters  he continually made
little chilling differences between us  which did not at all tend to the
development of cordiality  in short  now that I was acknowledged his
kinswoman  and lived under the same roof with him  I felt the distance
between us to be far greater than when he had known me only as the
village schoolmistress   When I remembered how far I had once been
admitted to his confidence  I could hardly comprehend his present
frigidity 

Such being the case  I felt not a little surprised when he raised his
head suddenly from the desk over which he was stooping  and said  

 You see  Jane  the battle is fought and the victory won  

Startled at being thus addressed  I did not immediately reply  after a
moment s hesitation I answered  

 But are you sure you are not in the position of those conquerors whose
triumphs have cost them too dear   Would not such another ruin you  

 I think not  and if I were  it does not much signify  I shall never be
called upon to contend for such another   The event of the conflict is
decisive  my way is now clear  I thank God for it    So saying  he
returned to his papers and his silence 

As our mutual happiness   i e    Diana s  Mary s  and mine  settled into
a quieter character  and we resumed our usual habits and regular studies 
St  John stayed more at home  he sat with us in the same room  sometimes
for hours together   While Mary drew  Diana pursued a course of
encyclopaedic reading she had  to my awe and amazement  undertaken  and I
fagged away at German  he pondered a mystic lore of his own  that of some
Eastern tongue  the acquisition of which he thought necessary to his
plans 

Thus engaged  he appeared  sitting in his own recess  quiet and absorbed
enough  but that blue eye of his had a habit of leaving the outlandish 
looking grammar  and wandering over  and sometimes fixing upon us  his
fellow students  with a curious intensity of observation  if caught  it
would be instantly withdrawn  yet ever and anon  it returned searchingly
to our table   I wondered what it meant  I wondered  too  at the punctual
satisfaction he never failed to exhibit on an occasion that seemed to me
of small moment  namely  my weekly visit to Morton school  and still more
was I puzzled when  if the day was unfavourable  if there was snow  or
rain  or high wind  and his sisters urged me not to go  he would
invariably make light of their solicitude  and encourage me to accomplish
the task without regard to the elements 

 Jane is not such a weakling as you would make her   he would say   she
can bear a mountain blast  or a shower  or a few flakes of snow  as well
as any of us   Her constitution is both sound and elastic   better
calculated to endure variations of climate than many more robust  

And when I returned  sometimes a good deal tired  and not a little
weather beaten  I never dared complain  because I saw that to murmur
would be to vex him  on all occasions fortitude pleased him  the reverse
was a special annoyance 

One afternoon  however  I got leave to stay at home  because I really had
a cold   His sisters were gone to Morton in my stead  I sat reading
Schiller  he  deciphering his crabbed Oriental scrolls   As I exchanged a
translation for an exercise  I happened to look his way  there I found
myself under the influence of the ever watchful blue eye   How long it
had been searching me through and through  and over and over  I cannot
tell  so keen was it  and yet so cold  I felt for the moment
superstitious  as if I were sitting in the room with something uncanny 

 Jane  what are you doing  

 Learning German  

 I want you to give up German and learn Hindostanee  

 You are not in earnest  

 In such earnest that I must have it so  and I will tell you why  

He then went on to explain that Hindostanee was the language he was
himself at present studying  that  as he advanced  he was apt to forget
the commencement  that it would assist him greatly to have a pupil with
whom he might again and again go over the elements  and so fix them
thoroughly in his mind  that his choice had hovered for some time between
me and his sisters  but that he had fixed on me because he saw I could
sit at a task the longest of the three   Would I do him this favour   I
should not  perhaps  have to make the sacrifice long  as it wanted now
barely three months to his departure 

St  John was not a man to be lightly refused  you felt that every
impression made on him  either for pain or pleasure  was deep graved and
permanent   I consented   When Diana and Mary returned  the former found
her scholar transferred from her to her brother  she laughed  and both
she and Mary agreed that St  John should never have persuaded them to
such a step   He answered quietly  

 I know it  

I found him a very patient  very forbearing  and yet an exacting master 
he expected me to do a great deal  and when I fulfilled his expectations 
he  in his own way  fully testified his approbation   By degrees  he
acquired a certain influence over me that took away my liberty of mind 
his praise and notice were more restraining than his indifference   I
could no longer talk or laugh freely when he was by  because a tiresomely
importunate instinct reminded me that vivacity  at least in me  was
distasteful to him   I was so fully aware that only serious moods and
occupations were acceptable  that in his presence every effort to sustain
or follow any other became vain  I fell under a freezing spell   When he
said  go   I went   come   I came   do this   I did it   But I did not
love my servitude  I wished  many a time  he had continued to neglect me 

One evening when  at bedtime  his sisters and I stood round him  bidding
him good night  he kissed each of them  as was his custom  and  as was
equally his custom  he gave me his hand   Diana  who chanced to be in a
frolicsome humour   she  was not painfully controlled by his will  for
hers  in another way  was as strong   exclaimed  

 St  John  you used to call Jane your third sister  but you don t treat
her as such  you should kiss her too  

She pushed me towards him   I thought Diana very provoking  and felt
uncomfortably confused  and while I was thus thinking and feeling  St 
John bent his head  his Greek face was brought to a level with mine  his
eyes questioned my eyes piercingly  he kissed me   There are no such
things as marble kisses or ice kisses  or I should say my ecclesiastical
cousin s salute belonged to one of these classes  but there may be
experiment kisses  and his was an experiment kiss   When given  he viewed
me to learn the result  it was not striking  I am sure I did not blush 
perhaps I might have turned a little pale  for I felt as if this kiss
were a seal affixed to my fetters   He never omitted the ceremony
afterwards  and the gravity and quiescence with which I underwent it 
seemed to invest it for him with a certain charm 

As for me  I daily wished more to please him  but to do so  I felt daily
more and more that I must disown half my nature  stifle half my
faculties  wrest my tastes from their original bent  force myself to the
adoption of pursuits for which I had no natural vocation   He wanted to
train me to an elevation I could never reach  it racked me hourly to
aspire to the standard he uplifted   The thing was as impossible as to
mould my irregular features to his correct and classic pattern  to give
to my changeable green eyes the sea blue tint and solemn lustre of his
own 

Not his ascendancy alone  however  held me in thrall at present   Of late
it had been easy enough for me to look sad  a cankering evil sat at my
heart and drained my happiness at its source  the evil of suspense 

Perhaps you think I had forgotten Mr  Rochester  reader  amidst these
changes of place and fortune   Not for a moment   His idea was still with
me  because it was not a vapour sunshine could disperse  nor a
sand traced effigy storms could wash away  it was a name graven on a
tablet  fated to last as long as the marble it inscribed   The craving to
know what had become of him followed me everywhere  when I was at Morton 
I re entered my cottage every evening to think of that  and now at Moor
House  I sought my bedroom each night to brood over it 

In the course of my necessary correspondence with Mr  Briggs about the
will  I had inquired if he knew anything of Mr  Rochester s present
residence and state of health  but  as St  John had conjectured  he was
quite ignorant of all concerning him   I then wrote to Mrs  Fairfax 
entreating information on the subject   I had calculated with certainty
on this step answering my end  I felt sure it would elicit an early
answer   I was astonished when a fortnight passed without reply  but when
two months wore away  and day after day the post arrived and brought
nothing for me  I fell a prey to the keenest anxiety 

I wrote again  there was a chance of my first letter having missed 
Renewed hope followed renewed effort  it shone like the former for some
weeks  then  like it  it faded  flickered  not a line  not a word reached
me   When half a year wasted in vain expectancy  my hope died out  and
then I felt dark indeed 

A fine spring shone round me  which I could not enjoy   Summer
approached  Diana tried to cheer me  she said I looked ill  and wished to
accompany me to the sea side   This St  John opposed  he said I did not
want dissipation  I wanted employment  my present life was too
purposeless  I required an aim  and  I suppose  by way of supplying
deficiencies  he prolonged still further my lessons in Hindostanee  and
grew more urgent in requiring their accomplishment  and I  like a fool 
never thought of resisting him  I could not resist him 

One day I had come to my studies in lower spirits than usual  the ebb was
occasioned by a poignantly felt disappointment   Hannah had told me in
the morning there was a letter for me  and when I went down to take it 
almost certain that the long looked for tidings were vouchsafed me at
last  I found only an unimportant note from Mr  Briggs on business   The
bitter check had wrung from me some tears  and now  as I sat poring over
the crabbed characters and flourishing tropes of an Indian scribe  my
eyes filled again 

St  John called me to his side to read  in attempting to do this my voice
failed me  words were lost in sobs   He and I were the only occupants of
the parlour  Diana was practising her music in the drawing room  Mary was
gardening  it was a very fine May day  clear  sunny  and breezy   My
companion expressed no surprise at this emotion  nor did he question me
as to its cause  he only said  

 We will wait a few minutes  Jane  till you are more composed    And
while I smothered the paroxysm with all haste  he sat calm and patient 
leaning on his desk  and looking like a physician watching with the eye
of science an expected and fully understood crisis in a patient s malady 
Having stifled my sobs  wiped my eyes  and muttered something about not
being very well that morning  I resumed my task  and succeeded in
completing it   St  John put away my books and his  locked his desk  and
said  

 Now  Jane  you shall take a walk  and with me  

 I will call Diana and Mary  

 No  I want only one companion this morning  and that must be you   Put
on your things  go out by the kitchen door  take the road towards the
head of Marsh Glen  I will join you in a moment  

I know no medium  I never in my life have known any medium in my dealings
with positive  hard characters  antagonistic to my own  between absolute
submission and determined revolt   I have always faithfully observed the
one  up to the very moment of bursting  sometimes with volcanic
vehemence  into the other  and as neither present circumstances
warranted  nor my present mood inclined me to mutiny  I observed careful
obedience to St  John s directions  and in ten minutes I was treading the
wild track of the glen  side by side with him 

The breeze was from the west  it came over the hills  sweet with scents
of heath and rush  the sky was of stainless blue  the stream descending
the ravine  swelled with past spring rains  poured along plentiful and
clear  catching golden gleams from the sun  and sapphire tints from the
firmament   As we advanced and left the track  we trod a soft turf  mossy
fine and emerald green  minutely enamelled with a tiny white flower  and
spangled with a star like yellow blossom  the hills  meantime  shut us
quite in  for the glen  towards its head  wound to their very core 

 Let us rest here   said St  John  as we reached the first stragglers of
a battalion of rocks  guarding a sort of pass  beyond which the beck
rushed down a waterfall  and where  still a little farther  the mountain
shook off turf and flower  had only heath for raiment and crag for
gem  where it exaggerated the wild to the savage  and exchanged the fresh
for the frowning  where it guarded the forlorn hope of solitude  and a
last refuge for silence 

I took a seat  St  John stood near me   He looked up the pass and down
the hollow  his glance wandered away with the stream  and returned to
traverse the unclouded heaven which coloured it  he removed his hat  let
the breeze stir his hair and kiss his brow   He seemed in communion with
the genius of the haunt  with his eye he bade farewell to something 

 And I shall see it again   he said aloud   in dreams when I sleep by the
Ganges  and again in a more remote hour  when another slumber overcomes
me  on the shore of a darker stream  

Strange words of a strange love   An austere patriot s passion for his
fatherland   He sat down  for half an hour we never spoke  neither he to
me nor I to him  that interval past  he recommenced  

 Jane  I go in six weeks  I have taken my berth in an East Indiaman which
sails on the 20th of June  

 God will protect you  for you have undertaken His work   I answered 

 Yes   said he   there is my glory and joy   I am the servant of an
infallible Master   I am not going out under human guidance  subject to
the defective laws and erring control of my feeble fellow worms  my king 
my lawgiver  my captain  is the All perfect   It seems strange to me that
all round me do not burn to enlist under the same banner   to join in the
same enterprise  

 All have not your powers  and it would be folly for the feeble to wish
to march with the strong  

 I do not speak to the feeble  or think of them  I address only such as
are worthy of the work  and competent to accomplish it  

 Those are few in number  and difficult to discover  

 You say truly  but when found  it is right to stir them up  to urge and
exhort them to the effort  to show them what their gifts are  and why
they were given  to speak Heaven s message in their ear   to offer them 
direct from God  a place in the ranks of His chosen  

 If they are really qualified for the task  will not their own hearts be
the first to inform them of it  

I felt as if an awful charm was framing round and gathering over me  I
trembled to hear some fatal word spoken which would at once declare and
rivet the spell 

 And what does  your  heart say   demanded St  John 

 My heart is mute   my heart is mute   I answered  struck and thrilled 

 Then I must speak for it   continued the deep  relentless voice    Jane 
come with me to India  come as my helpmeet and fellow labourer  

The glen and sky spun round  the hills heaved   It was as if I had heard
a summons from Heaven  as if a visionary messenger  like him of
Macedonia  had enounced   Come over and help us    But I was no
apostle   I could not behold the herald   I could not receive his call 

 Oh  St  John   I cried   have some mercy  

I appealed to one who  in the discharge of what he believed his duty 
knew neither mercy nor remorse   He continued  

 God and nature intended you for a missionary s wife   It is not
personal  but mental endowments they have given you  you are formed for
labour  not for love   A missionary s wife you must  shall be   You shall
be mine  I claim you  not for my pleasure  but for my Sovereign s
service  

 I am not fit for it  I have no vocation   I said 

He had calculated on these first objections  he was not irritated by
them   Indeed  as he leaned back against the crag behind him  folded his
arms on his chest  and fixed his countenance  I saw he was prepared for a
long and trying opposition  and had taken in a stock of patience to last
him to its close  resolved  however  that that close should be conquest
for him 

 Humility  Jane   said he   is the groundwork of Christian virtues  you
say right that you are not fit for the work   Who is fit for it   Or who 
that ever was truly called  believed himself worthy of the summons   I 
for instance  am but dust and ashes   With St  Paul  I acknowledge myself
the chiefest of sinners  but I do not suffer this sense of my personal
vileness to daunt me   I know my Leader  that He is just as well as
mighty  and while He has chosen a feeble instrument to perform a great
task  He will  from the boundless stores of His providence  supply the
inadequacy of the means to the end   Think like me  Jane  trust like me 
It is the Rock of Ages I ask you to lean on  do not doubt but it will
bear the weight of your human weakness  

 I do not understand a missionary life  I have never studied missionary
labours  

 There I  humble as I am  can give you the aid you want  I can set you
your task from hour to hour  stand by you always  help you from moment to
moment   This I could do in the beginning  soon  for I know your powers 
you would be as strong and apt as myself  and would not require my help  

 But my powers  where are they for this undertaking   I do not feel them 
Nothing speaks or stirs in me while you talk   I am sensible of no light
kindling  no life quickening  no voice counselling or cheering   Oh  I
wish I could make you see how much my mind is at this moment like a
rayless dungeon  with one shrinking fear fettered in its depths  the fear
of being persuaded by you to attempt what I cannot accomplish  

 I have an answer for you  hear it   I have watched you ever since we
first met  I have made you my study for ten months   I have proved you in
that time by sundry tests  and what have I seen and elicited   In the
village school I found you could perform well  punctually  uprightly 
labour uncongenial to your habits and inclinations  I saw you could
perform it with capacity and tact  you could win while you controlled   In
the calm with which you learnt you had become suddenly rich  I read a
mind clear of the vice of Demas   lucre had no undue power over you   In
the resolute readiness with which you cut your wealth into four shares 
keeping but one to yourself  and relinquishing the three others to the
claim of abstract justice  I recognised a soul that revelled in the flame
and excitement of sacrifice   In the tractability with which  at my wish 
you forsook a study in which you were interested  and adopted another
because it interested me  in the untiring assiduity with which you have
since persevered in it  in the unflagging energy and unshaken temper with
which you have met its difficulties  I acknowledge the complement of the
qualities I seek   Jane  you are docile  diligent  disinterested 
faithful  constant  and courageous  very gentle  and very heroic  cease
to mistrust yourself  I can trust you unreservedly   As a conductress of
Indian schools  and a helper amongst Indian women  your assistance will
be to me invaluable  

My iron shroud contracted round me  persuasion advanced with slow sure
step   Shut my eyes as I would  these last words of his succeeded in
making the way  which had seemed blocked up  comparatively clear   My
work  which had appeared so vague  so hopelessly diffuse  condensed
itself as he proceeded  and assumed a definite form under his shaping
hand   He waited for an answer   I demanded a quarter of an hour to
think  before I again hazarded a reply 

 Very willingly   he rejoined  and rising  he strode a little distance up
the pass  threw himself down on a swell of heath  and there lay still 

 He threw himself down on a swell of heath  and there lay still 
p389 jpg 

 I  can  do what he wants me to do  I am forced to see and acknowledge
that   I meditated    that is  if life be spared me   But I feel mine is
not the existence to be long protracted under an Indian sun   What then 
He does not care for that  when my time came to die  he would resign me 
in all serenity and sanctity  to the God who gave me   The case is very
plain before me   In leaving England  I should leave a loved but empty
land  Mr  Rochester is not there  and if he were  what is  what can that
ever be to me   My business is to live without him now  nothing so
absurd  so weak as to drag on from day to day  as if I were waiting some
impossible change in circumstances  which might reunite me to him   Of
course  as St  John once said  I must seek another interest in life to
replace the one lost  is not the occupation he now offers me truly the
most glorious man can adopt or God assign   Is it not  by its noble cares
and sublime results  the one best calculated to fill the void left by
uptorn affections and demolished hopes   I believe I must say  Yes  and
yet I shudder   Alas   If I join St  John  I abandon half myself  if I go
to India  I go to premature death   And how will the interval between
leaving England for India  and India for the grave  be filled   Oh  I
know well   That  too  is very clear to my vision   By straining to
satisfy St  John till my sinews ache  I  shall  satisfy him  to the
finest central point and farthest outward circle of his expectations   If
I  do  go with him  if I  do  make the sacrifice he urges  I will make it
absolutely  I will throw all on the altar  heart  vitals  the entire
victim   He will never love me  but he shall approve me  I will show him
energies he has not yet seen  resources he has never suspected   Yes  I
can work as hard as he can  and with as little grudging 

 Consent  then  to his demand is possible  but for one item  one dreadful
item   It is  that he asks me to be his wife  and has no more of a
husband s heart for me than that frowning giant of a rock  down which the
stream is foaming in yonder gorge   He prizes me as a soldier would a
good weapon  and that is all   Unmarried to him  this would never grieve
me  but can I let him complete his calculations  coolly put into practice
his plans  go through the wedding ceremony   Can I receive from him the
bridal ring  endure all the forms of love  which I doubt not he would
scrupulously observe  and know that the spirit was quite absent   Can I
bear the consciousness that every endearment he bestows is a sacrifice
made on principle   No  such a martyrdom would be monstrous   I will
never undergo it   As his sister  I might accompany him  not as his wife 
I will tell him so  

I looked towards the knoll  there he lay  still as a prostrate column 
his face turned to me  his eye beaming watchful and keen   He started to
his feet and approached me 

 I am ready to go to India  if I may go free  

 Your answer requires a commentary   he said   it is not clear  

 You have hitherto been my adopted brother  I  your adopted sister  let
us continue as such  you and I had better not marry  

He shook his head    Adopted fraternity will not do in this case   If you
were my real sister it would be different  I should take you  and seek no
wife   But as it is  either our union must be consecrated and sealed by
marriage  or it cannot exist  practical obstacles oppose themselves to
any other plan   Do you not see it  Jane   Consider a moment  your strong
sense will guide you  

I did consider  and still my sense  such as it was  directed me only to
the fact that we did not love each other as man and wife should  and
therefore it inferred we ought not to marry   I said so    St  John   I
returned   I regard you as a brother  you  me as a sister  so let us
continue  

 We cannot  we cannot   he answered  with short  sharp determination   it
would not do   You have said you will go with me to India  remember  you
have said that  

 Conditionally  

 Well  well   To the main point  the departure with me from England  the
co operation with me in my future labours  you do not object   You have
already as good as put your hand to the plough  you are too consistent to
withdraw it   You have but one end to keep in view  how the work you have
undertaken can best be done   Simplify your complicated interests 
feelings  thoughts  wishes  aims  merge all considerations in one
purpose  that of fulfilling with effect  with power  the mission of your
great Master   To do so  you must have a coadjutor  not a brother  that
is a loose tie  but a husband   I  too  do not want a sister  a sister
might any day be taken from me   I want a wife  the sole helpmeet I can
influence efficiently in life  and retain absolutely till death  

I shuddered as he spoke  I felt his influence in my marrow  his hold on
my limbs 

 Seek one elsewhere than in me  St  John  seek one fitted to you  

 One fitted to my purpose  you mean  fitted to my vocation   Again I tell
you it is not the insignificant private individual  the mere man  with
the man s selfish senses  I wish to mate  it is the missionary  

 And I will give the missionary my energies  it is all he wants  but not
myself  that would be only adding the husk and shell to the kernel   For
them he has no use  I retain them  

 You cannot  you ought not   Do you think God will be satisfied with half
an oblation   Will He accept a mutilated sacrifice   It is the cause of
God I advocate  it is under His standard I enlist you   I cannot accept
on His behalf a divided allegiance  it must be entire  

 Oh   I will give my heart to God   I said     You  do not want it  

I will not swear  reader  that there was not something of repressed
sarcasm both in the tone in which I uttered this sentence  and in the
feeling that accompanied it   I had silently feared St  John till now 
because I had not understood him   He had held me in awe  because he had
held me in doubt   How much of him was saint  how much mortal  I could
not heretofore tell  but revelations were being made in this conference 
the analysis of his nature was proceeding before my eyes   I saw his
fallibilities  I comprehended them   I understood that  sitting there
where I did  on the bank of heath  and with that handsome form before me 
I sat at the feet of a man  caring as I   The veil fell from his hardness
and despotism   Having felt in him the presence of these qualities  I
felt his imperfection and took courage   I was with an equal  one with
whom I might argue  one whom  if I saw good  I might resist 

He was silent after I had uttered the last sentence  and I presently
risked an upward glance at his countenance 

His eye  bent on me  expressed at once stern surprise and keen inquiry 
 Is she sarcastic  and sarcastic to  me    it seemed to say    What does
this signify  

 Do not let us forget that this is a solemn matter   he said ere long 
 one of which we may neither think nor talk lightly without sin   I
trust  Jane  you are in earnest when you say you will serve your heart to
God  it is all I want   Once wrench your heart from man  and fix it on
your Maker  the advancement of that Maker s spiritual kingdom on earth
will be your chief delight and endeavour  you will be ready to do at once
whatever furthers that end   You will see what impetus would be given to
your efforts and mine by our physical and mental union in marriage  the
only union that gives a character of permanent conformity to the
destinies and designs of human beings  and  passing over all minor
caprices  all trivial difficulties and delicacies of feeling  all scruple
about the degree  kind  strength or tenderness of mere personal
inclination  you will hasten to enter into that union at once  

 Shall I   I said briefly  and I looked at his features  beautiful in
their harmony  but strangely formidable in their still severity  at his
brow  commanding but not open  at his eyes  bright and deep and
searching  but never soft  at his tall imposing figure  and fancied
myself in idea  his wife    Oh  it would never do   As his curate  his
comrade  all would be right  I would cross oceans with him in that
capacity  toil under Eastern suns  in Asian deserts with him in that
office  admire and emulate his courage and devotion and vigour 
accommodate quietly to his masterhood  smile undisturbed at his
ineradicable ambition  discriminate the Christian from the man 
profoundly esteem the one  and freely forgive the other   I should suffer
often  no doubt  attached to him only in this capacity  my body would be
under rather a stringent yoke  but my heart and mind would be free   I
should still have my unblighted self to turn to  my natural unenslaved
feelings with which to communicate in moments of loneliness   There would
be recesses in my mind which would be only mine  to which he never came 
and sentiments growing there fresh and sheltered which his austerity
could never blight  nor his measured warrior march trample down  but as
his wife  at his side always  and always restrained  and always
checked  forced to keep the fire of my nature continually low  to compel
it to burn inwardly and never utter a cry  though the imprisoned flame
consumed vital after vital   this  would be unendurable 

 St  John   I exclaimed  when I had got so far in my meditation 

 Well   he answered icily 

 I repeat I freely consent to go with you as your fellow missionary  but
not as your wife  I cannot marry you and become part of you  

 A part of me you must become   he answered steadily   otherwise the
whole bargain is void   How can I  a man not yet thirty  take out with me
to India a girl of nineteen  unless she be married to me   How can we be
for ever together  sometimes in solitudes  sometimes amidst savage
tribes  and unwed  

 Very well   I said shortly   under the circumstances  quite as well as
if I were either your real sister  or a man and a clergyman like
yourself  

 It is known that you are not my sister  I cannot introduce you as such 
to attempt it would be to fasten injurious suspicions on us both   And
for the rest  though you have a man s vigorous brain  you have a woman s
heart and  it would not do  

 It would do   I affirmed with some disdain   perfectly well   I have a
woman s heart  but not where you are concerned  for you I have only a
comrade s constancy  a fellow soldier s frankness  fidelity  fraternity 
if you like  a neophyte s respect and submission to his hierophant 
nothing more  don t fear  

 It is what I want   he said  speaking to himself   it is just what I
want   And there are obstacles in the way  they must be hewn down   Jane 
you would not repent marrying me  be certain of that  we  must  be
married   I repeat it  there is no other way  and undoubtedly enough of
love would follow upon marriage to render the union right even in your
eyes  

 I scorn your idea of love   I could not help saying  as I rose up and
stood before him  leaning my back against the rock    I scorn the
counterfeit sentiment you offer  yes  St  John  and I scorn you when you
offer it  

He looked at me fixedly  compressing his well cut lips while he did so 
Whether he was incensed or surprised  or what  it was not easy to tell 
he could command his countenance thoroughly 

 I scarcely expected to hear that expression from you   he said   I think
I have done and uttered nothing to deserve scorn  

I was touched by his gentle tone  and overawed by his high  calm mien 

 Forgive me the words  St  John  but it is your own fault that I have
been roused to speak so unguardedly   You have introduced a topic on
which our natures are at variance  a topic we should never discuss  the
very name of love is an apple of discord between us   If the reality were
required  what should we do   How should we feel   My dear cousin 
abandon your scheme of marriage  forget it  

 No   said he   it is a long cherished scheme  and the only one which can
secure my great end  but I shall urge you no further at present 
To morrow  I leave home for Cambridge  I have many friends there to whom
I should wish to say farewell   I shall be absent a fortnight  take that
space of time to consider my offer  and do not forget that if you reject
it  it is not me you deny  but God   Through my means  He opens to you a
noble career  as my wife only can you enter upon it   Refuse to be my
wife  and you limit yourself for ever to a track of selfish ease and
barren obscurity   Tremble lest in that case you should be numbered with
those who have denied the faith  and are worse than infidels  

He had done   Turning from me  he once more

    Looked to river  looked to hill  

But this time his feelings were all pent in his heart  I was not worthy
to hear them uttered   As I walked by his side homeward  I read well in
his iron silence all he felt towards me  the disappointment of an austere
and despotic nature  which has met resistance where it expected
submission  the disapprobation of a cool  inflexible judgment  which has
detected in another feelings and views in which it has no power to
sympathise  in short  as a man  he would have wished to coerce me into
obedience  it was only as a sincere Christian he bore so patiently with
my perversity  and allowed so long a space for reflection and repentance 

That night  after he had kissed his sisters  he thought proper to forget
even to shake hands with me  but left the room in silence   I  who 
though I had no love  had much friendship for him  was hurt by the marked
omission  so much hurt that tears started to my eyes 

 I see you and St  John have been quarrelling  Jane   said Diana   during
your walk on the moor   But go after him  he is now lingering in the
passage expecting you  he will make it up  

I have not much pride under such circumstances  I would always rather be
happy than dignified  and I ran after him  he stood at the foot of the
stairs 

 Good night  St  John   said I 

 Good night  Jane   he replied calmly 

 Then shake hands   I added 

What a cold  loose touch  he impressed on my fingers   He was deeply
displeased by what had occurred that day  cordiality would not warm  nor
tears move him   No happy reconciliation was to be had with him  no
cheering smile or generous word  but still the Christian was patient and
placid  and when I asked him if he forgave me  he answered that he was
not in the habit of cherishing the remembrance of vexation  that he had
nothing to forgive  not having been offended 

And with that answer he left me   I would much rather he had knocked me
down 




CHAPTER XXXV


He did not leave for Cambridge the next day  as he had said he would   He
deferred his departure a whole week  and during that time he made me feel
what severe punishment a good yet stern  a conscientious yet implacable
man can inflict on one who has offended him   Without one overt act of
hostility  one upbraiding word  he contrived to impress me momently with
the conviction that I was put beyond the pale of his favour 

Not that St  John harboured a spirit of unchristian vindictiveness  not
that he would have injured a hair of my head  if it had been fully in his
power to do so   Both by nature and principle  he was superior to the
mean gratification of vengeance  he had forgiven me for saying I scorned
him and his love  but he had not forgotten the words  and as long as he
and I lived he never would forget them   I saw by his look  when he
turned to me  that they were always written on the air between me and
him  whenever I spoke  they sounded in my voice to his ear  and their
echo toned every answer he gave me 

He did not abstain from conversing with me  he even called me as usual
each morning to join him at his desk  and I fear the corrupt man within
him had a pleasure unimparted to  and unshared by  the pure Christian  in
evincing with what skill he could  while acting and speaking apparently
just as usual  extract from every deed and every phrase the spirit of
interest and approval which had formerly communicated a certain austere
charm to his language and manner   To me  he was in reality become no
longer flesh  but marble  his eye was a cold  bright  blue gem  his
tongue a speaking instrument  nothing more 

All this was torture to me  refined  lingering torture   It kept up a
slow fire of indignation and a trembling trouble of grief  which harassed
and crushed me altogether   I felt how  if I were his wife  this good
man  pure as the deep sunless source  could soon kill me  without drawing
from my veins a single drop of blood  or receiving on his own crystal
conscience the faintest stain of crime   Especially I felt this when I
made any attempt to propitiate him   No ruth met my ruth    He 
experienced no suffering from estrangement  no yearning after
reconciliation  and though  more than once  my fast falling tears
blistered the page over which we both bent  they produced no more effect
on him than if his heart had been really a matter of stone or metal   To
his sisters  meantime  he was somewhat kinder than usual  as if afraid
that mere coldness would not sufficiently convince me how completely I
was banished and banned  he added the force of contrast  and this I am
sure he did not by force  but on principle 

The night before he left home  happening to see him walking in the garden
about sunset  and remembering  as I looked at him  that this man 
alienated as he now was  had once saved my life  and that we were near
relations  I was moved to make a last attempt to regain his friendship   I
went out and approached him as he stood leaning over the little gate  I
spoke to the point at once 

 St  John  I am unhappy because you are still angry with me   Let us be
friends  

 I hope we are friends   was the unmoved reply  while he still watched
the rising of the moon  which he had been contemplating as I approached 

 No  St  John  we are not friends as we were   You know that  

 Are we not   That is wrong   For my part  I wish you no ill and all
good  

 I believe you  St  John  for I am sure you are incapable of wishing any
one ill  but  as I am your kinswoman  I should desire somewhat more of
affection than that sort of general philanthropy you extend to mere
strangers  

 Of course   he said    Your wish is reasonable  and I am far from
regarding you as a stranger  

This  spoken in a cool  tranquil tone  was mortifying and baffling
enough   Had I attended to the suggestions of pride and ire  I should
immediately have left him  but something worked within me more strongly
than those feelings could   I deeply venerated my cousin s talent and
principle   His friendship was of value to me  to lose it tried me
severely   I would not so soon relinquish the attempt to reconquer it 

 Must we part in this way  St  John   And when you go to India  will you
leave me so  without a kinder word than you have yet spoken  

He now turned quite from the moon and faced me 

 When I go to India  Jane  will I leave you   What  do you not go to
India  

 You said I could not unless I married you  

 And you will not marry me   You adhere to that resolution  

Reader  do you know  as I do  what terror those cold people can put into
the ice of their questions   How much of the fall of the avalanche is in
their anger  of the breaking up of the frozen sea in their displeasure 

 No   St  John  I will not marry you   I adhere to my resolution  

The avalanche had shaken and slid a little forward  but it did not yet
crash down 

 Once more  why this refusal   he asked 

 Formerly   I answered   because you did not love me  now  I reply 
because you almost hate me   If I were to marry you  you would kill me 
You are killing me now  

His lips and cheeks turned white  quite white 

  I should kill you    I am killing you    Your words are such as ought
not to be used  violent  unfeminine  and untrue   They betray an
unfortunate state of mind  they merit severe reproof  they would seem
inexcusable  but that it is the duty of man to forgive his fellow even
until seventy and seven times  

I had finished the business now   While earnestly wishing to erase from
his mind the trace of my former offence  I had stamped on that tenacious
surface another and far deeper impression  I had burnt it in 

 Now you will indeed hate me   I said    It is useless to attempt to
conciliate you  I see I have made an eternal enemy of you  

A fresh wrong did these words inflict  the worse  because they touched on
the truth   That bloodless lip quivered to a temporary spasm   I knew the
steely ire I had whetted   I was heart wrung 

 You utterly misinterpret my words   I said  at once seizing his hand   I
have no intention to grieve or pain you  indeed  I have not  

Most bitterly he smiled  most decidedly he withdrew his hand from mine 
 And now you recall your promise  and will not go to India at all  I
presume   said he  after a considerable pause 

 Yes  I will  as your assistant   I answered 

A very long silence succeeded   What struggle there was in him between
Nature and Grace in this interval  I cannot tell  only singular gleams
scintillated in his eyes  and strange shadows passed over his face   He
spoke at last 

 I before proved to you the absurdity of a single woman of your age
proposing to accompany abroad a single man of mine   I proved it to you
in such terms as  I should have thought  would have prevented your ever
again alluding to the plan   That you have done so  I regret  for your
sake  

I interrupted him   Anything like a tangible reproach gave me courage at
once    Keep to common sense  St  John  you are verging on nonsense   You
pretend to be shocked by what I have said   You are not really shocked 
for  with your superior mind  you cannot be either so dull or so
conceited as to misunderstand my meaning   I say again  I will be your
curate  if you like  but never your wife  

Again he turned lividly pale  but  as before  controlled his passion
perfectly   He answered emphatically but calmly  

 A female curate  who is not my wife  would never suit me   With me 
then  it seems  you cannot go  but if you are sincere in your offer  I
will  while in town  speak to a married missionary  whose wife needs a
coadjutor   Your own fortune will make you independent of the Society s
aid  and thus you may still be spared the dishonour of breaking your
promise and deserting the band you engaged to join  

Now I never had  as the reader knows  either given any formal promise or
entered into any engagement  and this language was all much too hard and
much too despotic for the occasion   I replied  

 There is no dishonour  no breach of promise  no desertion in the case   I
am not under the slightest obligation to go to India  especially with
strangers   With you I would have ventured much  because I admire 
confide in  and  as a sister  I love you  but I am convinced that  go
when and with whom I would  I should not live long in that climate  

 Ah  you are afraid of yourself   he said  curling his lip 

 I am   God did not give me my life to throw away  and to do as you wish
me would  I begin to think  be almost equivalent to committing suicide 
Moreover  before I definitively resolve on quitting England  I will know
for certain whether I cannot be of greater use by remaining in it than by
leaving it  

 What do you mean  

 It would be fruitless to attempt to explain  but there is a point on
which I have long endured painful doubt  and I can go nowhere till by
some means that doubt is removed  

 I know where your heart turns and to what it clings   The interest you
cherish is lawless and unconsecrated   Long since you ought to have
crushed it  now you should blush to allude to it   You think of Mr 
Rochester  

It was true   I confessed it by silence 

 Are you going to seek Mr  Rochester  

 I must find out what is become of him  

 It remains for me  then   he said   to remember you in my prayers  and
to entreat God for you  in all earnestness  that you may not indeed
become a castaway   I had thought I recognised in you one of the chosen 
But God sees not as man sees   His  will be done   

He opened the gate  passed through it  and strayed away down the glen   He
was soon out of sight 

On re entering the parlour  I found Diana standing at the window  looking
very thoughtful   Diana was a great deal taller than I  she put her hand
on my shoulder  and  stooping  examined my face 

 Jane   she said   you are always agitated and pale now   I am sure there
is something the matter   Tell me what business St  John and you have on
hands   I have watched you this half hour from the window  you must
forgive my being such a spy  but for a long time I have fancied I hardly
know what   St  John is a strange being   

She paused  I did not speak  soon she resumed  

 That brother of mine cherishes peculiar views of some sort respecting
you  I am sure  he has long distinguished you by a notice and interest he
never showed to any one else  to what end   I wish he loved you  does he 
Jane  

I put her cool hand to my hot forehead   No  Die  not one whit  

 Then why does he follow you so with his eyes  and get you so frequently
alone with him  and keep you so continually at his side   Mary and I had
both concluded he wished you to marry him  

 He does  he has asked me to be his wife  

Diana clapped her hands    That is just what we hoped and thought   And
you will marry him  Jane  won t you   And then he will stay in England  

 Far from that  Diana  his sole idea in proposing to me is to procure a
fitting fellow labourer in his Indian toils  

 What   He wishes you to go to India  

 Yes  

 Madness   she exclaimed    You would not live three months there  I am
certain   You never shall go  you have not consented  have you  Jane  

 I have refused to marry him   

 And have consequently displeased him   she suggested 

 Deeply  he will never forgive me  I fear  yet I offered to accompany him
as his sister  

 It was frantic folly to do so  Jane   Think of the task you
undertook  one of incessant fatigue  where fatigue kills even the strong 
and you are weak   St  John  you know him  would urge you to
impossibilities  with him there would be no permission to rest during the
hot hours  and unfortunately  I have noticed  whatever he exacts  you
force yourself to perform   I am astonished you found courage to refuse
his hand   You do not love him then  Jane  

 Not as a husband  

 Yet he is a handsome fellow  

 And I am so plain  you see  Die   We should never suit  

 Plain   You   Not at all   You are much too pretty  as well as too good 
to be grilled alive in Calcutta    And again she earnestly conjured me to
give up all thoughts of going out with her brother 

 I must indeed   I said   for when just now I repeated the offer of
serving him for a deacon  he expressed himself shocked at my want of
decency   He seemed to think I had committed an impropriety in proposing
to accompany him unmarried  as if I had not from the first hoped to find
in him a brother  and habitually regarded him as such  

 What makes you say he does not love you  Jane  

 You should hear himself on the subject   He has again and again
explained that it is not himself  but his office he wishes to mate   He
has told me I am formed for labour  not for love  which is true  no
doubt   But  in my opinion  if I am not formed for love  it follows that
I am not formed for marriage   Would it not be strange  Die  to be
chained for life to a man who regarded one but as a useful tool  

 Insupportable  unnatural  out of the question  

 And then   I continued   though I have only sisterly affection for him
now  yet  if forced to be his wife  I can imagine the possibility of
conceiving an inevitable  strange  torturing kind of love for him 
because he is so talented  and there is often a certain heroic grandeur
in his look  manner  and conversation   In that case  my lot would become
unspeakably wretched   He would not want me to love him  and if I showed
the feeling  he would make me sensible that it was a superfluity 
unrequired by him  unbecoming in me   I know he would  

 And yet St  John is a good man   said Diana 

 He is a good and a great man  but he forgets  pitilessly  the feelings
and claims of little people  in pursuing his own large views   It is
better  therefore  for the insignificant to keep out of his way  lest  in
his progress  he should trample them down   Here he comes   I will leave
you  Diana    And I hastened upstairs as I saw him entering the garden 

But I was forced to meet him again at supper   During that meal he
appeared just as composed as usual   I had thought he would hardly speak
to me  and I was certain he had given up the pursuit of his matrimonial
scheme  the sequel showed I was mistaken on both points   He addressed me
precisely in his ordinary manner  or what had  of late  been his ordinary
manner  one scrupulously polite   No doubt he had invoked the help of the
Holy Spirit to subdue the anger I had roused in him  and now believed he
had forgiven me once more 

For the evening reading before prayers  he selected the twenty first
chapter of Revelation   It was at all times pleasant to listen while from
his lips fell the words of the Bible  never did his fine voice sound at
once so sweet and full  never did his manner become so impressive in its
noble simplicity  as when he delivered the oracles of God  and to night
that voice took a more solemn tone  that manner a more thrilling
meaning  as he sat in the midst of his household circle  the May moon
shining in through the uncurtained window  and rendering almost
unnecessary the light of the candle on the table   as he sat there 
bending over the great old Bible  and described from its page the vision
of the new heaven and the new earth  told how God would come to dwell
with men  how He would wipe away all tears from their eyes  and promised
that there should be no more death  neither sorrow nor crying  nor any
more pain  because the former things were passed away 

The succeeding words thrilled me strangely as he spoke them  especially
as I felt  by the slight  indescribable alteration in sound  that in
uttering them  his eye had turned on me 

 He that overcometh shall inherit all things  and I will be his God  and
he shall be my son   But   was slowly  distinctly read   the fearful  the
unbelieving   c   shall have their part in the lake which burneth with
fire and brimstone  which is the second death  

Henceforward  I knew what fate St  John feared for me 

A calm  subdued triumph  blent with a longing earnestness  marked his
enunciation of the last glorious verses of that chapter   The reader
believed his name was already written in the Lamb s book of life  and he
yearned after the hour which should admit him to the city to which the
kings of the earth bring their glory and honour  which has no need of sun
or moon to shine in it  because the glory of God lightens it  and the
Lamb is the light thereof 

In the prayer following the chapter  all his energy gathered  all his
stern zeal woke  he was in deep earnest  wrestling with God  and resolved
on a conquest   He supplicated strength for the weak hearted  guidance
for wanderers from the fold  a return  even at the eleventh hour  for
those whom the temptations of the world and the flesh were luring from
the narrow path   He asked  he urged  he claimed the boon of a brand
snatched from the burning   Earnestness is ever deeply solemn  first  as
I listened to that prayer  I wondered at his  then  when it continued and
rose  I was touched by it  and at last awed   He felt the greatness and
goodness of his purpose so sincerely  others who heard him plead for it 
could not but feel it too 

The prayer over  we took leave of him  he was to go at a very early hour
in the morning   Diana and Mary having kissed him  left the room  in
compliance  I think  with a whispered hint from him  I tendered my hand 
and wished him a pleasant journey 

 Thank you  Jane   As I said  I shall return from Cambridge in a
fortnight  that space  then  is yet left you for reflection   If I
listened to human pride  I should say no more to you of marriage with me 
but I listen to my duty  and keep steadily in view my first aim  to do
all things to the glory of God   My Master was long suffering  so will I
be   I cannot give you up to perdition as a vessel of wrath 
repent  resolve  while there is yet time   Remember  we are bid to work
while it is day  warned that  the night cometh when no man shall work  
Remember the fate of Dives  who had his good things in this life   God
give you strength to choose that better part which shall not be taken
from you  

He laid his hand on my head as he uttered the last words   He had spoken
earnestly  mildly  his look was not  indeed  that of a lover beholding
his mistress  but it was that of a pastor recalling his wandering
sheep  or better  of a guardian angel watching the soul for which he is
responsible   All men of talent  whether they be men of feeling or not 
whether they be zealots  or aspirants  or despots  provided only they be
sincere  have their sublime moments  when they subdue and rule   I felt
veneration for St  John  veneration so strong that its impetus thrust me
at once to the point I had so long shunned   I was tempted to cease
struggling with him  to rush down the torrent of his will into the gulf
of his existence  and there lose my own   I was almost as hard beset by
him now as I had been once before  in a different way  by another   I was
a fool both times   To have yielded then would have been an error of
principle  to have yielded now would have been an error of judgment   So
I think at this hour  when I look back to the crisis through the quiet
medium of time  I was unconscious of folly at the instant 

I stood motionless under my hierophant s touch   My refusals were
forgotten  my fears overcome  my wrestlings paralysed   The
Impossible   i e    my marriage with St  John  was fast becoming the
Possible   All was changing utterly with a sudden sweep   Religion
called  Angels beckoned  God commanded  life rolled together like a
scroll  death s gates opening  showed eternity beyond  it seemed  that
for safety and bliss there  all here might be sacrificed in a second   The
dim room was full of visions 

 Could you decide now   asked the missionary   The inquiry was put in
gentle tones  he drew me to him as gently   Oh  that gentleness  how far
more potent is it than force   I could resist St  John s wrath  I grew
pliant as a reed under his kindness   Yet I knew all the time  if I
yielded now  I should not the less be made to repent  some day  of my
former rebellion   His nature was not changed by one hour of solemn
prayer  it was only elevated 

 I could decide if I were but certain   I answered   were I but convinced
that it is God s will I should marry you  I could vow to marry you here
and now  come afterwards what would  

 My prayers are heard   ejaculated St  John   He pressed his hand firmer
on my head  as if he claimed me  he surrounded me with his arm   almost 
as if he loved me  I say  almost   I knew the difference  for I had felt
what it was to be loved  but  like him  I had now put love out of the
question  and thought only of duty    I contended with my inward dimness
of vision  before which clouds yet rolled   I sincerely  deeply 
fervently longed to do what was right  and only that    Show me  show me
the path   I entreated of Heaven   I was excited more than I had ever
been  and whether what followed was the effect of excitement the reader
shall judge 

All the house was still  for I believe all  except St  John and myself 
were now retired to rest   The one candle was dying out  the room was
full of moonlight   My heart beat fast and thick  I heard its throb 
Suddenly it stood still to an inexpressible feeling that thrilled it
through  and passed at once to my head and extremities   The feeling was
not like an electric shock  but it was quite as sharp  as strange  as
startling  it acted on my senses as if their utmost activity hitherto had
been but torpor  from which they were now summoned and forced to wake 
They rose expectant  eye and ear waited while the flesh quivered on my
bones 

 What have you heard   What do you see   asked St  John   I saw nothing 
but I heard a voice somewhere cry  

 Jane   Jane   Jane    nothing more 

 O God  what is it   I gasped 

I might have said   Where is it   for it did not seem in the room  nor in
the house  nor in the garden  it did not come out of the air  nor from
under the earth  nor from overhead   I had heard it  where  or whence 
for ever impossible to know   And it was the voice of a human being  a
known  loved  well remembered voice  that of Edward Fairfax Rochester 
and it spoke in pain and woe  wildly  eerily  urgently 

 I am coming   I cried    Wait for me   Oh  I will come    I flew to the
door and looked into the passage  it was dark   I ran out into the
garden  it was void 

 Where are you   I exclaimed 

The hills beyond Marsh Glen sent the answer faintly back   Where are
you    I listened   The wind sighed low in the firs  all was moorland
loneliness and midnight hush 

 Down superstition   I commented  as that spectre rose up black by the
black yew at the gate    This is not thy deception  nor thy witchcraft 
it is the work of nature   She was roused  and did  no miracle  but her
best  

I broke from St  John  who had followed  and would have detained me   It
was  my  time to assume ascendency    My  powers were in play and in
force   I told him to forbear question or remark  I desired him to leave
me  I must and would be alone   He obeyed at once   Where there is energy
to command well enough  obedience never fails   I mounted to my chamber 
locked myself in  fell on my knees  and prayed in my way  a different way
to St  John s  but effective in its own fashion   I seemed to penetrate
very near a Mighty Spirit  and my soul rushed out in gratitude at His
feet   I rose from the thanksgiving  took a resolve  and lay down 
unscared  enlightened  eager but for the daylight 




CHAPTER XXXVI


The daylight came   I rose at dawn   I busied myself for an hour or two
with arranging my things in my chamber  drawers  and wardrobe  in the
order wherein I should wish to leave them during a brief absence 
Meantime  I heard St  John quit his room   He stopped at my door  I
feared he would knock  no  but a slip of paper was passed under the door 
I took it up   It bore these words  

 You left me too suddenly last night   Had you stayed but a little
longer  you would have laid your hand on the Christian s cross and the
angel s crown   I shall expect your clear decision when I return this day
fortnight   Meantime  watch and pray that you enter not into temptation 
the spirit  I trust  is willing  but the flesh  I see  is weak   I shall
pray for you hourly   Yours  ST  JOHN  

 My spirit   I answered mentally   is willing to do what is right  and my
flesh  I hope  is strong enough to accomplish the will of Heaven  when
once that will is distinctly known to me   At any rate  it shall be
strong enough to search  inquire  to grope an outlet from this cloud of
doubt  and find the open day of certainty  

It was the first of June  yet the morning was overcast and chilly  rain
beat fast on my casement   I heard the front door open  and St  John pass
out   Looking through the window  I saw him traverse the garden   He took
the way over the misty moors in the direction of Whitcross  there he
would meet the coach 

 In a few more hours I shall succeed you in that track  cousin   thought
I   I too have a coach to meet at Whitcross   I too have some to see and
ask after in England  before I depart for ever  

It wanted yet two hours of breakfast time   I filled the interval in
walking softly about my room  and pondering the visitation which had
given my plans their present bent   I recalled that inward sensation I
had experienced  for I could recall it  with all its unspeakable
strangeness   I recalled the voice I had heard  again I questioned whence
it came  as vainly as before  it seemed in  me   not in the external
world   I asked was it a mere nervous impression  a delusion   I could
not conceive or believe  it was more like an inspiration   The wondrous
shock of feeling had come like the earthquake which shook the foundations
of Paul and Silas s prison  it had opened the doors of the soul s cell
and loosed its bands  it had wakened it out of its sleep  whence it
sprang trembling  listening  aghast  then vibrated thrice a cry on my
startled ear  and in my quaking heart and through my spirit  which
neither feared nor shook  but exulted as if in joy over the success of
one effort it had been privileged to make  independent of the cumbrous
body 

 Ere many days   I said  as I terminated my musings   I will know
something of him whose voice seemed last night to summon me   Letters
have proved of no avail  personal inquiry shall replace them  

At breakfast I announced to Diana and Mary that I was going a journey 
and should be absent at least four days 

 Alone  Jane   they asked 

 Yes  it was to see or hear news of a friend about whom I had for some
time been uneasy  

They might have said  as I have no doubt they thought  that they had
believed me to be without any friends save them  for  indeed  I had often
said so  but  with their true natural delicacy  they abstained from
comment  except that Diana asked me if I was sure I was well enough to
travel   I looked very pale  she observed   I replied  that nothing ailed
me save anxiety of mind  which I hoped soon to alleviate 

It was easy to make my further arrangements  for I was troubled with no
inquiries  no surmises   Having once explained to them that I could not
now be explicit about my plans  they kindly and wisely acquiesced in the
silence with which I pursued them  according to me the privilege of free
action I should under similar circumstances have accorded them 

I left Moor House at three o clock p m   and soon after four I stood at
the foot of the sign post of Whitcross  waiting the arrival of the coach
which was to take me to distant Thornfield   Amidst the silence of those
solitary roads and desert hills  I heard it approach from a great
distance   It was the same vehicle whence  a year ago  I had alighted one
summer evening on this very spot  how desolate  and hopeless  and
objectless   It stopped as I beckoned   I entered  not now obliged to
part with my whole fortune as the price of its accommodation   Once more
on the road to Thornfield  I felt like the messenger pigeon flying home 

It was a journey of six and thirty hours   I had set out from Whitcross
on a Tuesday afternoon  and early on the succeeding Thursday morning the
coach stopped to water the horses at a wayside inn  situated in the midst
of scenery whose green hedges and large fields and low pastoral hills
 how mild of feature and verdant of hue compared with the stern North 
Midland moors of Morton   met my eye like the lineaments of a once
familiar face   Yes  I knew the character of this landscape  I was sure
we were near my bourne 

 How far is Thornfield Hall from here   I asked of the ostler 

 Just two miles  ma am  across the fields  

 My journey is closed   I thought to myself   I got out of the coach 
gave a box I had into the ostler s charge  to be kept till I called for
it  paid my fare  satisfied the coachman  and was going  the brightening
day gleamed on the sign of the inn  and I read in gilt letters   The
Rochester Arms    My heart leapt up  I was already on my master s very
lands   It fell again  the thought struck it   

 Your master himself may be beyond the British Channel  for aught you
know  and then  if he is at Thornfield Hall  towards which you hasten 
who besides him is there   His lunatic wife  and you have nothing to do
with him  you dare not speak to him or seek his presence   You have lost
your labour  you had better go no farther   urged the monitor    Ask
information of the people at the inn  they can give you all you seek 
they can solve your doubts at once   Go up to that man  and inquire if
Mr  Rochester be at home  

The suggestion was sensible  and yet I could not force myself to act on
it   I so dreaded a reply that would crush me with despair   To prolong
doubt was to prolong hope   I might yet once more see the Hall under the
ray of her star   There was the stile before me  the very fields through
which I had hurried  blind  deaf  distracted with a revengeful fury
tracking and scourging me  on the morning I fled from Thornfield  ere I
well knew what course I had resolved to take  I was in the midst of them 
How fast I walked   How I ran sometimes   How I looked forward to catch
the first view of the well known woods   With what feelings I welcomed
single trees I knew  and familiar glimpses of meadow and hill between
them 

At last the woods rose  the rookery clustered dark  a loud cawing broke
the morning stillness   Strange delight inspired me  on I hastened 
Another field crossed  a lane threaded  and there were the courtyard
walls  the back offices  the house itself  the rookery still hid    My
first view of it shall be in front   I determined   where its bold
battlements will strike the eye nobly at once  and where I can single out
my master s very window  perhaps he will be standing at it  he rises
early  perhaps he is now walking in the orchard  or on the pavement in
front   Could I but see him   but a moment   Surely  in that case  I
should not be so mad as to run to him   I cannot tell  I am not certain 
And if I did  what then   God bless him   What then   Who would be hurt
by my once more tasting the life his glance can give me   I rave  perhaps
at this moment he is watching the sun rise over the Pyrenees  or on the
tideless sea of the south  

I had coasted along the lower wall of the orchard  turned its angle 
there was a gate just there  opening into the meadow  between two stone
pillars crowned by stone balls   From behind one pillar I could peep
round quietly at the full front of the mansion   I advanced my head with
precaution  desirous to ascertain if any bedroom window blinds were yet
drawn up  battlements  windows  long front  all from this sheltered
station were at my command 

The crows sailing overhead perhaps watched me while I took this survey   I
wonder what they thought   They must have considered I was very careful
and timid at first  and that gradually I grew very bold and reckless   A
peep  and then a long stare  and then a departure from my niche and a
straying out into the meadow  and a sudden stop full in front of the
great mansion  and a protracted  hardy gaze towards it    What
affectation of diffidence was this at first   they might have demanded 
 what stupid regardlessness now  

Hear an illustration  reader 

A lover finds his mistress asleep on a mossy bank  he wishes to catch a
glimpse of her fair face without waking her   He steals softly over the
grass  careful to make no sound  he pauses  fancying she has stirred  he
withdraws  not for worlds would he be seen   All is still  he again
advances  he bends above her  a light veil rests on her features  he
lifts it  bends lower  now his eyes anticipate the vision of beauty  warm 
and blooming  and lovely  in rest   How hurried was their first glance 
But how they fix   How he starts   How he suddenly and vehemently clasps
in both arms the form he dared not  a moment since  touch with his
finger   How he calls aloud a name  and drops his burden  and gazes on it
wildly   He thus grasps and cries  and gazes  because he no longer fears
to waken by any sound he can utter  by any movement he can make   He
thought his love slept sweetly  he finds she is stone dead 

I looked with timorous joy towards a stately house  I saw a blackened
ruin 

No need to cower behind a gate post  indeed   to peep up at chamber
lattices  fearing life was astir behind them   No need to listen for
doors opening  to fancy steps on the pavement or the gravel walk   The
lawn  the grounds were trodden and waste  the portal yawned void   The
front was  as I had once seen it in a dream  but a well like wall  very
high and very fragile looking  perforated with paneless windows  no roof 
no battlements  no chimneys  all had crashed in 

And there was the silence of death about it  the solitude of a lonesome
wild   No wonder that letters addressed to people here had never received
an answer  as well despatch epistles to a vault in a church aisle   The
grim blackness of the stones told by what fate the Hall had fallen  by
conflagration  but how kindled   What story belonged to this disaster 
What loss  besides mortar and marble and wood work had followed upon it 
Had life been wrecked as well as property   If so  whose   Dreadful
question  there was no one here to answer it  not even dumb sign  mute
token 

In wandering round the shattered walls and through the devastated
interior  I gathered evidence that the calamity was not of late
occurrence   Winter snows  I thought  had drifted through that void arch 
winter rains beaten in at those hollow casements  for  amidst the
drenched piles of rubbish  spring had cherished vegetation  grass and
weed grew here and there between the stones and fallen rafters   And oh 
where meantime was the hapless owner of this wreck   In what land   Under
what auspices   My eye involuntarily wandered to the grey church tower
near the gates  and I asked   Is he with Damer de Rochester  sharing the
shelter of his narrow marble house  

Some answer must be had to these questions   I could find it nowhere but
at the inn  and thither  ere long  I returned   The host himself brought
my breakfast into the parlour   I requested him to shut the door and sit
down  I had some questions to ask him   But when he complied  I scarcely
knew how to begin  such horror had I of the possible answers   And yet
the spectacle of desolation I had just left prepared me in a measure for
a tale of misery   The host was a respectable looking  middle aged man 

 You know Thornfield Hall  of course   I managed to say at last 

 Yes  ma am  I lived there once  

 Did you    Not in my time  I thought  you are a stranger to me 

 I was the late Mr  Rochester s butler   he added 

The late   I seem to have received  with full force  the blow I had been
trying to evade 

 The late   I gasped    Is he dead  

 I mean the present gentleman  Mr  Edward s father   he explained   I
breathed again  my blood resumed its flow   Fully assured by these words
that Mr  Edward   my  Mr  Rochester  God bless him  wherever he was    was
at least alive  was  in short   the present gentleman    Gladdening
words   It seemed I could hear all that was to come  whatever the
disclosures might be  with comparative tranquillity   Since he was not in
the grave  I could bear  I thought  to learn that he was at the
Antipodes 

 Is Mr  Rochester living at Thornfield Hall now   I asked  knowing  of
course  what the answer would be  but yet desirous of deferring the
direct question as to where he really was 

 No  ma am  oh  no   No one is living there   I suppose you are a
stranger in these parts  or you would have heard what happened last
autumn   Thornfield Hall is quite a ruin  it was burnt down just about
harvest time   A dreadful calamity  such an immense quantity of valuable
property destroyed  hardly any of the furniture could be saved   The fire
broke out at dead of night  and before the engines arrived from Millcote 
the building was one mass of flame   It was a terrible spectacle  I
witnessed it myself  

 At dead of night   I muttered   Yes  that was ever the hour of fatality
at Thornfield    Was it known how it originated   I demanded 

 They guessed  ma am  they guessed   Indeed  I should say it was
ascertained beyond a doubt   You are not perhaps aware   he continued 
edging his chair a little nearer the table  and speaking low   that there
was a lady  a  a lunatic  kept in the house  

 I have heard something of it  

 She was kept in very close confinement  ma am  people even for some
years was not absolutely certain of her existence   No one saw her  they
only knew by rumour that such a person was at the Hall  and who or what
she was it was difficult to conjecture   They said Mr  Edward had brought
her from abroad  and some believed she had been his mistress   But a
queer thing happened a year since  a very queer thing  

I feared now to hear my own story   I endeavoured to recall him to the
main fact 

 And this lady  

 This lady  ma am   he answered   turned out to be Mr  Rochester s wife 
The discovery was brought about in the strangest way   There was a young
lady  a governess at the Hall  that Mr  Rochester fell in   

 But the fire   I suggested 

 I m coming to that  ma am  that Mr  Edward fell in love with   The
servants say they never saw anybody so much in love as he was  he was
after her continually   They used to watch him  servants will  you know 
ma am  and he set store on her past everything  for all  nobody but him
thought her so very handsome   She was a little small thing  they say 
almost like a child   I never saw her myself  but I ve heard Leah  the
house maid  tell of her   Leah liked her well enough   Mr  Rochester was
about forty  and this governess not twenty  and you see  when gentlemen
of his age fall in love with girls  they are often like as if they were
bewitched   Well  he would marry her  

 You shall tell me this part of the story another time   I said   but now
I have a particular reason for wishing to hear all about the fire   Was
it suspected that this lunatic  Mrs  Rochester  had any hand in it  

 You ve hit it  ma am  it s quite certain that it was her  and nobody but
her  that set it going   She had a woman to take care of her called Mrs 
Poole  an able woman in her line  and very trustworthy  but for one
fault  a fault common to a deal of them nurses and matrons  she  kept a
private bottle of gin by her   and now and then took a drop over much   It
is excusable  for she had a hard life of it  but still it was dangerous 
for when Mrs  Poole was fast asleep after the gin and water  the mad
lady  who was as cunning as a witch  would take the keys out of her
pocket  let herself out of her chamber  and go roaming about the house 
doing any wild mischief that came into her head   They say she had nearly
burnt her husband in his bed once  but I don t know about that   However 
on this night  she set fire first to the hangings of the room next her
own  and then she got down to a lower storey  and made her way to the
chamber that had been the governess s   she was like as if she knew
somehow how matters had gone on  and had a spite at her   and she kindled
the bed there  but there was nobody sleeping in it  fortunately   The
governess had run away two months before  and for all Mr  Rochester
sought her as if she had been the most precious thing he had in the
world  he never could hear a word of her  and he grew savage  quite
savage on his disappointment  he never was a wild man  but he got
dangerous after he lost her   He would be alone  too   He sent Mrs 
Fairfax  the housekeeper  away to her friends at a distance  but he did
it handsomely  for he settled an annuity on her for life  and she
deserved it  she was a very good woman   Miss Adele  a ward he had  was
put to school   He broke off acquaintance with all the gentry  and shut
himself up like a hermit at the Hall  

 What  did he not leave England  

 Leave England   Bless you  no   He would not cross the door stones of
the house  except at night  when he walked just like a ghost about the
grounds and in the orchard as if he had lost his senses  which it is my
opinion he had  for a more spirited  bolder  keener gentleman than he was
before that midge of a governess crossed him  you never saw  ma am   He
was not a man given to wine  or cards  or racing  as some are  and he was
not so very handsome  but he had a courage and a will of his own  if ever
man had   I knew him from a boy  you see  and for my part  I have often
wished that Miss Eyre had been sunk in the sea before she came to
Thornfield Hall  

 Then Mr  Rochester was at home when the fire broke out  

 Yes  indeed was he  and he went up to the attics when all was burning
above and below  and got the servants out of their beds and helped them
down himself  and went back to get his mad wife out of her cell   And
then they called out to him that she was on the roof  where she was
standing  waving her arms  above the battlements  and shouting out till
they could hear her a mile off  I saw her and heard her with my own eyes 
She was a big woman  and had long black hair  we could see it streaming
against the flames as she stood   I witnessed  and several more
witnessed  Mr  Rochester ascend through the sky light on to the roof  we
heard him call  Bertha    We saw him approach her  and then  ma am  she
yelled and gave a spring  and the next minute she lay smashed on the
pavement  

 The next minute she lay smashed on the pavement  p413 jpg 

 Dead  

 Dead   Ay  dead as the stones on which her brains and blood were
scattered  

 Good God  

 You may well say so  ma am  it was frightful  

He shuddered 

 And afterwards   I urged 

 Well  ma am  afterwards the house was burnt to the ground  there are
only some bits of walls standing now  

 Were any other lives lost  

 No  perhaps it would have been better if there had  

 What do you mean  

 Poor Mr  Edward   he ejaculated   I little thought ever to have seen it 
Some say it was a just judgment on him for keeping his first marriage
secret  and wanting to take another wife while he had one living  but I
pity him  for my part  

 You said he was alive   I exclaimed 

 Yes  yes  he is alive  but many think he had better be dead  

 Why   How    My blood was again running cold    Where is he   I
demanded    Is he in England  

 Ay  ay  he s in England  he can t get out of England  I fancy  he s a
fixture now  

What agony was this   And the man seemed resolved to protract it 

 He is stone blind   he said at last    Yes  he is stone blind  is Mr 
Edward  

I had dreaded worse   I had dreaded he was mad   I summoned strength to
ask what had caused this calamity 

 It was all his own courage  and a body may say  his kindness  in a way 
ma am  he wouldn t leave the house till every one else was out before
him   As he came down the great staircase at last  after Mrs  Rochester
had flung herself from the battlements  there was a great crash  all
fell   He was taken out from under the ruins  alive  but sadly hurt  a
beam had fallen in such a way as to protect him partly  but one eye was
knocked out  and one hand so crushed that Mr  Carter  the surgeon  had to
amputate it directly   The other eye inflamed  he lost the sight of that
also   He is now helpless  indeed  blind and a cripple  

 Where is he   Where does he now live  

 At Ferndean  a manor house on a farm he has  about thirty miles off 
quite a desolate spot  

 Who is with him  

 Old John and his wife  he would have none else   He is quite broken
down  they say  

 Have you any sort of conveyance  

 We have a chaise  ma am  a very handsome chaise  

 Let it be got ready instantly  and if your post boy can drive me to
Ferndean before dark this day  I ll pay both you and him twice the hire
you usually demand  




CHAPTER XXXVII


The manor house of Ferndean was a building of considerable antiquity 
moderate size  and no architectural pretensions  deep buried in a wood   I
had heard of it before   Mr  Rochester often spoke of it  and sometimes
went there   His father had purchased the estate for the sake of the game
covers   He would have let the house  but could find no tenant  in
consequence of its ineligible and insalubrious site   Ferndean then
remained uninhabited and unfurnished  with the exception of some two or
three rooms fitted up for the accommodation of the squire when he went
there in the season to shoot 

To this house I came just ere dark on an evening marked by the
characteristics of sad sky  cold gale  and continued small penetrating
rain   The last mile I performed on foot  having dismissed the chaise and
driver with the double remuneration I had promised   Even when within a
very short distance of the manor house  you could see nothing of it  so
thick and dark grew the timber of the gloomy wood about it   Iron gates
between granite pillars showed me where to enter  and passing through
them  I found myself at once in the twilight of close ranked trees   There
was a grass grown track descending the forest aisle between hoar and
knotty shafts and under branched arches   I followed it  expecting soon
to reach the dwelling  but it stretched on and on  it would far and
farther  no sign of habitation or grounds was visible 

I thought I had taken a wrong direction and lost my way   The darkness of
natural as well as of sylvan dusk gathered over me   I looked round in
search of another road   There was none  all was interwoven stem 
columnar trunk  dense summer foliage  no opening anywhere 

I proceeded  at last my way opened  the trees thinned a little  presently
I beheld a railing  then the house  scarce  by this dim light 
distinguishable from the trees  so dank and green were its decaying
walls   Entering a portal  fastened only by a latch  I stood amidst a
space of enclosed ground  from which the wood swept away in a semicircle 
There were no flowers  no garden beds  only a broad gravel walk girdling
a grass plat  and this set in the heavy frame of the forest   The house
presented two pointed gables in its front  the windows were latticed and
narrow  the front door was narrow too  one step led up to it   The whole
looked  as the host of the Rochester Arms had said   quite a desolate
spot    It was as still as a church on a week day  the pattering rain on
the forest leaves was the only sound audible in its vicinage 

 Can there be life here   I asked 

Yes  life of some kind there was  for I heard a movement  that narrow
front door was unclosing  and some shape was about to issue from the
grange 

It opened slowly  a figure came out into the twilight and stood on the
step  a man without a hat  he stretched forth his hand as if to feel
whether it rained   Dusk as it was  I had recognised him  it was my
master  Edward Fairfax Rochester  and no other 

I stayed my step  almost my breath  and stood to watch him  to examine
him  myself unseen  and alas  to him invisible   It was a sudden meeting 
and one in which rapture was kept well in check by pain   I had no
difficulty in restraining my voice from exclamation  my step from hasty
advance 

His form was of the same strong and stalwart contour as ever  his port
was still erect  his hair was still raven black  nor were his features
altered or sunk  not in one year s space  by any sorrow  could his
athletic strength be quelled or his vigorous prime blighted   But in his
countenance I saw a change  that looked desperate and brooding  that
reminded me of some wronged and fettered wild beast or bird  dangerous to
approach in his sullen woe   The caged eagle  whose gold ringed eyes
cruelty has extinguished  might look as looked that sightless Samson 

And  reader  do you think I feared him in his blind ferocity   if you do 
you little know me   A soft hope blest with my sorrow that soon I should
dare to drop a kiss on that brow of rock  and on those lips so sternly
sealed beneath it  but not yet   I would not accost him yet 

He descended the one step  and advanced slowly and gropingly towards the
grass plat   Where was his daring stride now   Then he paused  as if he
knew not which way to turn   He lifted his hand and opened his eyelids 
gazed blank  and with a straining effort  on the sky  and toward the
amphitheatre of trees  one saw that all to him was void darkness   He
stretched his right hand  the left arm  the mutilated one  he kept hidden
in his bosom   he seemed to wish by touch to gain an idea of what lay
around him  he met but vacancy still  for the trees were some yards off
where he stood   He relinquished the endeavour  folded his arms  and
stood quiet and mute in the rain  now falling fast on his uncovered head 
At this moment John approached him from some quarter 

 Will you take my arm  sir   he said   there is a heavy shower coming on 
had you not better go in  

 Let me alone   was the answer 

John withdrew without having observed me   Mr  Rochester now tried to
walk about  vainly   all was too uncertain   He groped his way back to
the house  and  re entering it  closed the door 

I now drew near and knocked  John s wife opened for me    Mary   I said 
 how are you  

She started as if she had seen a ghost  I calmed her   To her hurried  Is
it really you  miss  come at this late hour to this lonely place    I
answered by taking her hand  and then I followed her into the kitchen 
where John now sat by a good fire   I explained to them  in few words 
that I had heard all which had happened since I left Thornfield  and that
I was come to see Mr  Rochester   I asked John to go down to the turn 
pike house  where I had dismissed the chaise  and bring my trunk  which I
had left there  and then  while I removed my bonnet and shawl  I
questioned Mary as to whether I could be accommodated at the Manor House
for the night  and finding that arrangements to that effect  though
difficult  would not be impossible  I informed her I should stay   Just
at this moment the parlour bell rang 

 When you go in   said I   tell your master that a person wishes to speak
to him  but do not give my name  

 I don t think he will see you   she answered   he refuses everybody  

When she returned  I inquired what he had said    You are to send in your
name and your business   she replied   She then proceeded to fill a glass
with water  and place it on a tray  together with candles 

 Is that what he rang for   I asked 

 Yes  he always has candles brought in at dark  though he is blind  

 Give the tray to me  I will carry it in  

I took it from her hand  she pointed me out the parlour door   The tray
shook as I held it  the water spilt from the glass  my heart struck my
ribs loud and fast   Mary opened the door for me  and shut it behind me 

This parlour looked gloomy  a neglected handful of fire burnt low in the
grate  and  leaning over it  with his head supported against the high 
old fashioned mantelpiece  appeared the blind tenant of the room   His
old dog  Pilot  lay on one side  removed out of the way  and coiled up as
if afraid of being inadvertently trodden upon   Pilot pricked up his ears
when I came in  then he jumped up with a yelp and a whine  and bounded
towards me  he almost knocked the tray from my hands   I set it on the
table  then patted him  and said softly   Lie down    Mr  Rochester
turned mechanically to  see  what the commotion was  but as he  saw 
nothing  he returned and sighed 

 Give me the water  Mary   he said 

I approached him with the now only half filled glass  Pilot followed me 
still excited 

 What is the matter   he inquired 

 Down  Pilot   I again said   He checked the water on its way to his
lips  and seemed to listen  he drank  and put the glass down    This is
you  Mary  is it not  

 Mary is in the kitchen   I answered 

He put out his hand with a quick gesture  but not seeing where I stood 
he did not touch me    Who is this   Who is this   he demanded  trying 
as it seemed  to  see  with those sightless eyes  unavailing and
distressing attempt    Answer me  speak again   he ordered  imperiously
and aloud 

 Will you have a little more water  sir   I spilt half of what was in the
glass   I said 

  Who  is it    What  is it   Who speaks  

 Pilot knows me  and John and Mary know I am here   I came only this
evening   I answered 

 Great God   what delusion has come over me   What sweet madness has
seized me  

 No delusion  no madness  your mind  sir  is too strong for delusion 
your health too sound for frenzy  

 And where is the speaker   Is it only a voice   Oh   I  cannot  see  but
I must feel  or my heart will stop and my brain burst   Whatever  whoever
you are  be perceptible to the touch or I cannot live  

He groped  I arrested his wandering hand  and prisoned it in both mine 

 Her very fingers   he cried   her small  slight fingers   If so there
must be more of her  

The muscular hand broke from my custody  my arm was seized  my
shoulder  neck  waist  I was entwined and gathered to him 

 Is it Jane    What  is it   This is her shape  this is her size   

 And this her voice   I added    She is all here  her heart  too   God
bless you  sir   I am glad to be so near you again  

 Jane Eyre   Jane Eyre   was all he said 

 My dear master   I answered   I am Jane Eyre  I have found you out  I am
come back to you  

 In truth   in the flesh   My living Jane  

 You touch me  sir   you hold me  and fast enough  I am not cold like a
corpse  nor vacant like air  am I  

 My living darling   These are certainly her limbs  and these her
features  but I cannot be so blest  after all my misery   It is a dream 
such dreams as I have had at night when I have clasped her once more to
my heart  as I do now  and kissed her  as thus  and felt that she loved
me  and trusted that she would not leave me  

 Which I never will  sir  from this day  

 Never will  says the vision   But I always woke and found it an empty
mockery  and I was desolate and abandoned  my life dark  lonely 
hopeless  my soul athirst and forbidden to drink  my heart famished and
never to be fed   Gentle  soft dream  nestling in my arms now  you will
fly  too  as your sisters have all fled before you  but kiss me before
you go  embrace me  Jane  

 There  sir  and there   

I pressed my lips to his once brilliant and now rayless eyes  I swept his
hair from his brow  and kissed that too   He suddenly seemed to arouse
himself  the conviction of the reality of all this seized him 

 It is you  is it  Jane   You are come back to me then  

 I am  

 And you do not lie dead in some ditch under some stream   And you are
not a pining outcast amongst strangers  

 No  sir   I am an independent woman now  

 Independent   What do you mean  Jane  

 My uncle in Madeira is dead  and he left me five thousand pounds  

 Ah  this is practical  this is real   he cried   I should never dream
that   Besides  there is that peculiar voice of hers  so animating and
piquant  as well as soft  it cheers my withered heart  it puts life into
it   What  Janet   Are you an independent woman   A rich woman  

 If you won t let me live with you  I can build a house of my own close
up to your door  and you may come and sit in my parlour when you want
company of an evening  

 But as you are rich  Jane  you have now  no doubt  friends who will look
after you  and not suffer you to devote yourself to a blind lameter like
me  

 I told you I am independent  sir  as well as rich  I am my own
mistress  

 And you will stay with me  

 Certainly  unless you object   I will be your neighbour  your nurse 
your housekeeper   I find you lonely  I will be your companion  to read
to you  to walk with you  to sit with you  to wait on you  to be eyes and
hands to you   Cease to look so melancholy  my dear master  you shall not
be left desolate  so long as I live  

He replied not  he seemed serious  abstracted  he sighed  he half opened
his lips as if to speak  he closed them again   I felt a little
embarrassed   Perhaps I had too rashly over leaped conventionalities  and
he  like St  John  saw impropriety in my inconsiderateness   I had indeed
made my proposal from the idea that he wished and would ask me to be his
wife  an expectation  not the less certain because unexpressed  had
buoyed me up  that he would claim me at once as his own   But no hint to
that effect escaping him and his countenance becoming more overcast  I
suddenly remembered that I might have been all wrong  and was perhaps
playing the fool unwittingly  and I began gently to withdraw myself from
his arms  but he eagerly snatched me closer 

 No  no  Jane  you must not go   No  I have touched you  heard you  felt
the comfort of your presence  the sweetness of your consolation  I cannot
give up these joys   I have little left in myself  I must have you   The
world may laugh  may call me absurd  selfish  but it does not signify   My
very soul demands you  it will be satisfied  or it will take deadly
vengeance on its frame  

 Well  sir  I will stay with you  I have said so  

 Yes  but you understand one thing by staying with me  and I understand
another   You  perhaps  could make up your mind to be about my hand and
chair  to wait on me as a kind little nurse  for you have an affectionate
heart and a generous spirit  which prompt you to make sacrifices for
those you pity   and that ought to suffice for me no doubt   I suppose I
should now entertain none but fatherly feelings for you  do you think so 
Come  tell me  

 I will think what you like  sir  I am content to be only your nurse  if
you think it better  

 But you cannot always be my nurse  Janet  you are young  you must marry
one day  

 I don t care about being married  

 You should care  Janet  if I were what I once was  I would try to make
you care  but  a sightless block  

He relapsed again into gloom   I  on the contrary  became more cheerful 
and took fresh courage  these last words gave me an insight as to where
the difficulty lay  and as it was no difficulty with me  I felt quite
relieved from my previous embarrassment   I resumed a livelier vein of
conversation 

 It is time some one undertook to rehumanise you   said I  parting his
thick and long uncut locks   for I see you are being metamorphosed into a
lion  or something of that sort   You have a  faux air  of Nebuchadnezzar
in the fields about you  that is certain  your hair reminds me of eagles 
feathers  whether your nails are grown like birds  claws or not  I have
not yet noticed  

 On this arm  I have neither hand nor nails   he said  drawing the
mutilated limb from his breast  and showing it to me    It is a mere
stump  a ghastly sight   Don t you think so  Jane  

 It is a pity to see it  and a pity to see your eyes  and the scar of
fire on your forehead  and the worst of it is  one is in danger of loving
you too well for all this  and making too much of you  

 I thought you would be revolted  Jane  when you saw my arm  and my
cicatrised visage  

 Did you   Don t tell me so  lest I should say something disparaging to
your judgment   Now  let me leave you an instant  to make a better fire 
and have the hearth swept up   Can you tell when there is a good fire  

 Yes  with the right eye I see a glow  a ruddy haze  

 And you see the candles  

 Very dimly  each is a luminous cloud  

 Can you see me  

 No  my fairy  but I am only too thankful to hear and feel you  

 When do you take supper  

 I never take supper  

 But you shall have some to night   I am hungry  so are you  I daresay 
only you forget  

Summoning Mary  I soon had the room in more cheerful order  I prepared
him  likewise  a comfortable repast   My spirits were excited  and with
pleasure and ease I talked to him during supper  and for a long time
after   There was no harassing restraint  no repressing of glee and
vivacity with him  for with him I was at perfect ease  because I knew I
suited him  all I said or did seemed either to console or revive him 
Delightful consciousness   It brought to life and light my whole nature 
in his presence I thoroughly lived  and he lived in mine   Blind as he
was  smiles played over his face  joy dawned on his forehead  his
lineaments softened and warmed 

After supper  he began to ask me many questions  of where I had been 
what I had been doing  how I had found him out  but I gave him only very
partial replies  it was too late to enter into particulars that night 
Besides  I wished to touch no deep thrilling chord  to open no fresh well
of emotion in his heart  my sole present aim was to cheer him   Cheered 
as I have said  he was  and yet but by fits   If a moment s silence broke
the conversation  he would turn restless  touch me  then say   Jane  

 You are altogether a human being  Jane   You are certain of that  

 You are altogether a human being  Jane   You are certain of that  
p422 jpg 

 I conscientiously believe so  Mr  Rochester  

 Yet how  on this dark and doleful evening  could you so suddenly rise on
my lone hearth   I stretched my hand to take a glass of water from a
hireling  and it was given me by you  I asked a question  expecting
John s wife to answer me  and your voice spoke at my ear  

 Because I had come in  in Mary s stead  with the tray  

 And there is enchantment in the very hour I am now spending with you 
Who can tell what a dark  dreary  hopeless life I have dragged on for
months past   Doing nothing  expecting nothing  merging night in day 
feeling but the sensation of cold when I let the fire go out  of hunger
when I forgot to eat  and then a ceaseless sorrow  and  at times  a very
delirium of desire to behold my Jane again   Yes  for her restoration I
longed  far more than for that of my lost sight   How can it be that Jane
is with me  and says she loves me   Will she not depart as suddenly as
she came   To morrow  I fear I shall find her no more  

A commonplace  practical reply  out of the train of his own disturbed
ideas  was  I was sure  the best and most reassuring for him in this
frame of mind   I passed my finger over his eyebrows  and remarked that
they were scorched  and that I would apply something which would make
them grow as broad and black as ever 

 Where is the use of doing me good in any way  beneficent spirit  when 
at some fatal moment  you will again desert me  passing like a shadow 
whither and how to me unknown  and for me remaining afterwards
undiscoverable 

 Have you a pocket comb about you  sir  

 What for  Jane  

 Just to comb out this shaggy black mane   I find you rather alarming 
when I examine you close at hand  you talk of my being a fairy  but I am
sure  you are more like a brownie  

 Am I hideous  Jane  

 Very  sir  you always were  you know  

 Humph   The wickedness has not been taken out of you  wherever you have
sojourned  

 Yet I have been with good people  far better than you  a hundred times
better people  possessed of ideas and views you never entertained in your
life  quite more refined and exalted  

 Who the deuce have you been with  

 If you twist in that way you will make me pull the hair out of your
head  and then I think you will cease to entertain doubts of my
substantiality  

 Who have you been with  Jane  

 You shall not get it out of me to night  sir  you must wait till
to morrow  to leave my tale half told  will  you know  be a sort of
security that I shall appear at your breakfast table to finish it   By
the bye  I must mind not to rise on your hearth with only a glass of
water then  I must bring an egg at the least  to say nothing of fried
ham  

 You mocking changeling  fairy born and human bred   You make me feel as
I have not felt these twelve months   If Saul could have had you for his
David  the evil spirit would have been exorcised without the aid of the
harp  

 There  sir  you are redd up and made decent   Now I ll leave you  I have
been travelling these last three days  and I believe I am tired   Good
night  

 Just one word  Jane  were there only ladies in the house where you have
been  

I laughed and made my escape  still laughing as I ran upstairs    A good
idea    I thought with glee    I see I have the means of fretting him out
of his melancholy for some time to come  

Very early the next morning I heard him up and astir  wandering from one
room to another   As soon as Mary came down I heard the question   Is
Miss Eyre here    Then   Which room did you put her into   Was it dry   Is
she up   Go and ask if she wants anything  and when she will come down  

I came down as soon as I thought there was a prospect of breakfast 
Entering the room very softly  I had a view of him before he discovered
my presence   It was mournful  indeed  to witness the subjugation of that
vigorous spirit to a corporeal infirmity   He sat in his chair  still 
but not at rest  expectant evidently  the lines of now habitual sadness
marking his strong features   His countenance reminded one of a lamp
quenched  waiting to be re lit  and alas  it was not himself that could
now kindle the lustre of animated expression  he was dependent on another
for that office   I had meant to be gay and careless  but the
powerlessness of the strong man touched my heart to the quick  still I
accosted him with what vivacity I could 

 It is a bright  sunny morning  sir   I said    The rain is over and
gone  and there is a tender shining after it  you shall have a walk
soon  

I had wakened the glow  his features beamed 

 Oh  you are indeed there  my skylark   Come to me   You are not gone 
not vanished   I heard one of your kind an hour ago  singing high over
the wood  but its song had no music for me  any more than the rising sun
had rays   All the melody on earth is concentrated in my Jane s tongue to
my ear  I am glad it is not naturally a silent one   all the sunshine I
can feel is in her presence  

The water stood in my eyes to hear this avowal of his dependence  just as
if a royal eagle  chained to a perch  should be forced to entreat a
sparrow to become its purveyor   But I would not be lachrymose  I dashed
off the salt drops  and busied myself with preparing breakfast 

Most of the morning was spent in the open air   I led him out of the wet
and wild wood into some cheerful fields  I described to him how
brilliantly green they were  how the flowers and hedges looked refreshed 
how sparklingly blue was the sky   I sought a seat for him in a hidden
and lovely spot  a dry stump of a tree  nor did I refuse to let him  when
seated  place me on his knee   Why should I  when both he and I were
happier near than apart   Pilot lay beside us  all was quiet   He broke
out suddenly while clasping me in his arms  

 Cruel  cruel deserter   Oh  Jane  what did I feel when I discovered you
had fled from Thornfield  and when I could nowhere find you  and  after
examining your apartment  ascertained that you had taken no money  nor
anything which could serve as an equivalent   A pearl necklace I had
given you lay untouched in its little casket  your trunks were left
corded and locked as they had been prepared for the bridal tour   What
could my darling do  I asked  left destitute and penniless   And what did
she do   Let me hear now  

Thus urged  I began the narrative of my experience for the last year   I
softened considerably what related to the three days of wandering and
starvation  because to have told him all would have been to inflict
unnecessary pain  the little I did say lacerated his faithful heart
deeper than I wished 

I should not have left him thus  he said  without any means of making my
way  I should have told him my intention   I should have confided in him 
he would never have forced me to be his mistress   Violent as he had
seemed in his despair  he  in truth  loved me far too well and too
tenderly to constitute himself my tyrant  he would have given me half his
fortune  without demanding so much as a kiss in return  rather than I
should have flung myself friendless on the wide world   I had endured  he
was certain  more than I had confessed to him 

 Well  whatever my sufferings had been  they were very short   I
answered  and then I proceeded to tell him how I had been received at
Moor House  how I had obtained the office of schoolmistress   c   The
accession of fortune  the discovery of my relations  followed in due
order   Of course  St  John Rivers  name came in frequently in the
progress of my tale   When I had done  that name was immediately taken
up 

 This St  John  then  is your cousin  

 Yes  

 You have spoken of him often  do you like him  

 He was a very good man  sir  I could not help liking him  

 A good man   Does that mean a respectable well conducted man of fifty 
Or what does it mean  

 St John was only twenty nine  sir  

   Jeune encore    as the French say   Is he a person of low stature 
phlegmatic  and plain   A person whose goodness consists rather in his
guiltlessness of vice  than in his prowess in virtue  

 He is untiringly active   Great and exalted deeds are what he lives to
perform  

 But his brain   That is probably rather soft   He means well  but you
shrug your shoulders to hear him talk  

 He talks little  sir  what he does say is ever to the point   His brain
is first rate  I should think not impressible  but vigorous  

 Is he an able man  then  

 Truly able  

 A thoroughly educated man  

 St  John is an accomplished and profound scholar  

 His manners  I think  you said are not to your taste   priggish and
parsonic  

 I never mentioned his manners  but  unless I had a very bad taste  they
must suit it  they are polished  calm  and gentlemanlike  

 His appearance   I forget what description you gave of his appearance   a
sort of raw curate  half strangled with his white neckcloth  and stilted
up on his thick soled high lows  eh  

 St  John dresses well   He is a handsome man  tall  fair  with blue
eyes  and a Grecian profile  

 Aside     Damn him     To me     Did you like him  Jane  

 Yes  Mr  Rochester  I liked him  but you asked me that before  

I perceived  of course  the drift of my interlocutor   Jealousy had got
hold of him  she stung him  but the sting was salutary  it gave him
respite from the gnawing fang of melancholy   I would not  therefore 
immediately charm the snake 

 Perhaps you would rather not sit any longer on my knee  Miss Eyre   was
the next somewhat unexpected observation 

 Why not  Mr  Rochester  

 The picture you have just drawn is suggestive of a rather too
overwhelming contrast   Your words have delineated very prettily a
graceful Apollo  he is present to your imagination   tall  fair  blue 
eyed  and with a Grecian profile   Your eyes dwell on a Vulcan   a real
blacksmith  brown  broad shouldered  and blind and lame into the
bargain  

 I never thought of it  before  but you certainly are rather like Vulcan 
sir  

 Well  you can leave me  ma am  but before you go   and he retained me by
a firmer grasp than ever    you will be pleased just to answer me a
question or two    He paused 

 What questions  Mr  Rochester  

Then followed this cross examination 

 St  John made you schoolmistress of Morton before he knew you were his
cousin  

 Yes  

 You would often see him   He would visit the school sometimes  

 Daily  

 He would approve of your plans  Jane   I know they would be clever  for
you are a talented creature  

 He approved of them  yes  

 He would discover many things in you he could not have expected to find 
Some of your accomplishments are not ordinary  

 I don t know about that  

 You had a little cottage near the school  you say  did he ever come
there to see you  

 Now and then  

 Of an evening  

 Once or twice  

A pause 

 How long did you reside with him and his sisters after the cousinship
was discovered  

 Five months  

 Did Rivers spend much time with the ladies of his family  

 Yes  the back parlour was both his study and ours  he sat near the
window  and we by the table  

 Did he study much  

 A good deal  

 What  

 Hindostanee  

 And what did you do meantime  

 I learnt German  at first  

 Did he teach you  

 He did not understand German  

 Did he teach you nothing  

 A little Hindostanee  

 Rivers taught you Hindostanee  

 Yes  sir  

 And his sisters also  

 No  

 Only you  

 Only me  

 Did you ask to learn  

 No  

 He wished to teach you  

 Yes  

A second pause 

 Why did he wish it   Of what use could Hindostanee be to you  

 He intended me to go with him to India  

 Ah  here I reach the root of the matter   He wanted you to marry him  

 He asked me to marry him  

 That is a fiction  an impudent invention to vex me  

 I beg your pardon  it is the literal truth  he asked me more than once 
and was as stiff about urging his point as ever you could be  

 Miss Eyre  I repeat it  you can leave me   How often am I to say the
same thing   Why do you remain pertinaciously perched on my knee  when I
have given you notice to quit  

 Because I am comfortable there  

 No  Jane  you are not comfortable there  because your heart is not with
me  it is with this cousin  this St  John   Oh  till this moment  I
thought my little Jane was all mine   I had a belief she loved me even
when she left me  that was an atom of sweet in much bitter   Long as we
have been parted  hot tears as I have wept over our separation  I never
thought that while I was mourning her  she was loving another   But it is
useless grieving   Jane  leave me  go and marry Rivers  

 Shake me off  then  sir   push me away  for I ll not leave you of my own
accord  

 Jane  I ever like your tone of voice  it still renews hope  it sounds so
truthful   When I hear it  it carries me back a year   I forget that you
have formed a new tie   But I am not a fool  go   

 Where must I go  sir  

 Your own way  with the husband you have chosen  

 Who is that  

 You know  this St  John Rivers  

 He is not my husband  nor ever will be   He does not love me  I do not
love him   He loves  as he  can  love  and that is not as you love  a
beautiful young lady called Rosamond   He wanted to marry me only because
he thought I should make a suitable missionary s wife  which she would
not have done   He is good and great  but severe  and  for me  cold as an
iceberg   He is not like you  sir  I am not happy at his side  nor near
him  nor with him   He has no indulgence for me  no fondness   He sees
nothing attractive in me  not even youth  only a few useful mental
points   Then I must leave you  sir  to go to him  

I shuddered involuntarily  and clung instinctively closer to my blind but
beloved master   He smiled 

 What  Jane   Is this true   Is such really the state of matters between
you and Rivers  

 Absolutely  sir   Oh  you need not be jealous   I wanted to tease you a
little to make you less sad  I thought anger would be better than grief 
But if you wish me to love you  could you but see how much I  do  love
you  you would be proud and content   All my heart is yours  sir  it
belongs to you  and with you it would remain  were fate to exile the rest
of me from your presence for ever  

Again  as he kissed me  painful thoughts darkened his aspect 

 My seared vision   My crippled strength   he murmured regretfully 

I caressed  in order to soothe him   I knew of what he was thinking  and
wanted to speak for him  but dared not   As he turned aside his face a
minute  I saw a tear slide from under the sealed eyelid  and trickle down
the manly cheek   My heart swelled 

 I am no better than the old lightning struck chestnut tree in Thornfield
orchard   he remarked ere long    And what right would that ruin have to
bid a budding woodbine cover its decay with freshness  

 You are no ruin  sir  no lightning struck tree  you are green and
vigorous   Plants will grow about your roots  whether you ask them or
not  because they take delight in your bountiful shadow  and as they grow
they will lean towards you  and wind round you  because your strength
offers them so safe a prop  

Again he smiled  I gave him comfort 

 You speak of friends  Jane   he asked 

 Yes  of friends   I answered rather hesitatingly  for I knew I meant
more than friends  but could not tell what other word to employ   He
helped me 

 Ah   Jane   But I want a wife  

 Do you  sir  

 Yes  is it news to you  

 Of course  you said nothing about it before  

 Is it unwelcome news  

 That depends on circumstances  sir  on your choice  

 Which you shall make for me  Jane   I will abide by your decision  

 Choose then  sir   her who loves you best   

 I will at least choose   her I love best    Jane  will you marry me  

 Yes  sir  

 A poor blind man  whom you will have to lead about by the hand  

 Yes  sir  

 A crippled man  twenty years older than you  whom you will have to wait
on  

 Yes  sir  

 Truly  Jane  

 Most truly  sir  

 Oh  my darling   God bless you and reward you  

 Mr  Rochester  if ever I did a good deed in my life  if ever I thought a
good thought  if ever I prayed a sincere and blameless prayer  if ever I
wished a righteous wish   I am rewarded now   To be your wife is  for me 
to be as happy as I can be on earth  

 Because you delight in sacrifice  

 Sacrifice   What do I sacrifice   Famine for food  expectation for
content   To be privileged to put my arms round what I value  to press my
lips to what I love  to repose on what I trust  is that to make a
sacrifice   If so  then certainly I delight in sacrifice  

 And to bear with my infirmities  Jane  to overlook my deficiencies  

 Which are none  sir  to me   I love you better now  when I can really be
useful to you  than I did in your state of proud independence  when you
disdained every part but that of the giver and protector  

 Hitherto I have hated to be helped  to be led  henceforth  I feel I
shall hate it no more   I did not like to put my hand into a hireling s 
but it is pleasant to feel it circled by Jane s little fingers   I
preferred utter loneliness to the constant attendance of servants  but
Jane s soft ministry will be a perpetual joy   Jane suits me  do I suit
her  

 To the finest fibre of my nature  sir  

 The case being so  we have nothing in the world to wait for  we must be
married instantly  

He looked and spoke with eagerness  his old impetuosity was rising 

 We must become one flesh without any delay  Jane  there is but the
licence to get  then we marry  

 Mr  Rochester  I have just discovered the sun is far declined from its
meridian  and Pilot is actually gone home to his dinner   Let me look at
your watch  

 Fasten it into your girdle  Janet  and keep it henceforward  I have no
use for it  

 It is nearly four o clock in the afternoon  sir   Don t you feel
hungry  

 The third day from this must be our wedding day  Jane   Never mind fine
clothes and jewels  now  all that is not worth a fillip  

 The sun has dried up all the rain drops  sir   The breeze is still  it
is quite hot  

 Do you know  Jane  I have your little pearl necklace at this moment
fastened round my bronze scrag under my cravat   I have worn it since the
day I lost my only treasure  as a memento of her  

 We will go home through the wood  that will be the shadiest way  

He pursued his own thoughts without heeding me 

 Jane  you think me  I daresay  an irreligious dog  but my heart swells
with gratitude to the beneficent God of this earth just now   He sees not
as man sees  but far clearer  judges not as man judges  but far more
wisely   I did wrong  I would have sullied my innocent flower  breathed
guilt on its purity  the Omnipotent snatched it from me   I  in my stiff 
necked rebellion  almost cursed the dispensation  instead of bending to
the decree  I defied it   Divine justice pursued its course  disasters
came thick on me  I was forced to pass through the valley of the shadow
of death    His  chastisements are mighty  and one smote me which has
humbled me for ever   You know I was proud of my strength  but what is it
now  when I must give it over to foreign guidance  as a child does its
weakness   Of late  Jane  only  only of late  I began to see and
acknowledge the hand of God in my doom   I began to experience remorse 
repentance  the wish for reconcilement to my Maker   I began sometimes to
pray  very brief prayers they were  but very sincere 

 Some days since  nay  I can number them  four  it was last Monday night 
a singular mood came over me  one in which grief replaced frenzy  sorrow 
sullenness   I had long had the impression that since I could nowhere
find you  you must be dead   Late that night  perhaps it might be between
eleven and twelve o clock  ere I retired to my dreary rest  I supplicated
God  that  if it seemed good to Him  I might soon be taken from this
life  and admitted to that world to come  where there was still hope of
rejoining Jane 

 I was in my own room  and sitting by the window  which was open  it
soothed me to feel the balmy night air  though I could see no stars and
only by a vague  luminous haze  knew the presence of a moon   I longed
for thee  Janet   Oh  I longed for thee both with soul and flesh   I
asked of God  at once in anguish and humility  if I had not been long
enough desolate  afflicted  tormented  and might not soon taste bliss and
peace once more   That I merited all I endured  I acknowledged  that I
could scarcely endure more  I pleaded  and the alpha and omega of my
heart s wishes broke involuntarily from my lips in the words   Jane 
Jane   Jane   

 Did you speak these words aloud  

 I did  Jane   If any listener had heard me  he would have thought me
mad  I pronounced them with such frantic energy  

 And it was last Monday night  somewhere near midnight  

 Yes  but the time is of no consequence  what followed is the strange
point   You will think me superstitious   some superstition I have in my
blood  and always had  nevertheless  this is true  true at least it is
that I heard what I now relate 

 As I exclaimed  Jane   Jane   Jane   a voice  I cannot tell whence the
voice came  but I know whose voice it was  replied   I am coming  wait
for me   and a moment after  went whispering on the wind the words   Where
are you  

 I ll tell you  if I can  the idea  the picture these words opened to my
mind  yet it is difficult to express what I want to express   Ferndean is
buried  as you see  in a heavy wood  where sound falls dull  and dies
unreverberating    Where are you   seemed spoken amongst mountains  for I
heard a hill sent echo repeat the words   Cooler and fresher at the
moment the gale seemed to visit my brow  I could have deemed that in some
wild  lone scene  I and Jane were meeting   In spirit  I believe we must
have met   You no doubt were  at that hour  in unconscious sleep  Jane 
perhaps your soul wandered from its cell to comfort mine  for those were
your accents  as certain as I live  they were yours  

Reader  it was on Monday night  near midnight  that I too had received
the mysterious summons  those were the very words by which I replied to
it   I listened to Mr  Rochester s narrative  but made no disclosure in
return   The coincidence struck me as too awful and inexplicable to be
communicated or discussed   If I told anything  my tale would be such as
must necessarily make a profound impression on the mind of my hearer  and
that mind  yet from its sufferings too prone to gloom  needed not the
deeper shade of the supernatural   I kept these things then  and pondered
them in my heart 

 You cannot now wonder   continued my master   that when you rose upon me
so unexpectedly last night  I had difficulty in believing you any other
than a mere voice and vision  something that would melt to silence and
annihilation  as the midnight whisper and mountain echo had melted
before   Now  I thank God   I know it to be otherwise   Yes  I thank
God  

He put me off his knee  rose  and reverently lifting his hat from his
brow  and bending his sightless eyes to the earth  he stood in mute
devotion   Only the last words of the worship were audible 

 I thank my Maker  that  in the midst of judgment  he has remembered
mercy   I humbly entreat my Redeemer to give me strength to lead
henceforth a purer life than I have done hitherto  

Then he stretched his hand out to be led   I took that dear hand  held it
a moment to my lips  then let it pass round my shoulder  being so much
lower of stature than he  I served both for his prop and guide   We
entered the wood  and wended homeward 




CHAPTER XXXVIII  CONCLUSION


Reader  I married him   A quiet wedding we had  he and I  the parson and
clerk  were alone present   When we got back from church  I went into the
kitchen of the manor house  where Mary was cooking the dinner and John
cleaning the knives  and I said  

 Mary  I have been married to Mr  Rochester this morning    The
housekeeper and her husband were both of that decent phlegmatic order of
people  to whom one may at any time safely communicate a remarkable piece
of news without incurring the danger of having one s ears pierced by some
shrill ejaculation  and subsequently stunned by a torrent of wordy
wonderment   Mary did look up  and she did stare at me  the ladle with
which she was basting a pair of chickens roasting at the fire  did for
some three minutes hang suspended in air  and for the same space of time
John s knives also had rest from the polishing process  but Mary  bending
again over the roast  said only  

 Have you  Miss   Well  for sure  

A short time after she pursued   I seed you go out with the master  but I
didn t know you were gone to church to be wed   and she basted away 
John  when I turned to him  was grinning from ear to ear 

 I telled Mary how it would be   he said   I knew what Mr  Edward   John
was an old servant  and had known his master when he was the cadet of the
house  therefore  he often gave him his Christian name    I knew what Mr 
Edward would do  and I was certain he would not wait long neither  and
he s done right  for aught I know   I wish you joy  Miss   and he
politely pulled his forelock 

 Thank you  John   Mr  Rochester told me to give you and Mary this    I
put into his hand a five pound note   Without waiting to hear more  I
left the kitchen   In passing the door of that sanctum some time after  I
caught the words  

 She ll happen do better for him nor ony o t  grand ladies    And again 
 If she ben t one o  th  handsomest  she s noan faal and varry
good natured  and i  his een she s fair beautiful  onybody may see that  

I wrote to Moor House and to Cambridge immediately  to say what I had
done  fully explaining also why I had thus acted   Diana and Mary
approved the step unreservedly   Diana announced that she would just give
me time to get over the honeymoon  and then she would come and see me 

 She had better not wait till then  Jane   said Mr  Rochester  when I
read her letter to him   if she does  she will be too late  for our
honeymoon will shine our life long  its beams will only fade over your
grave or mine  

How St  John received the news  I don t know  he never answered the
letter in which I communicated it  yet six months after he wrote to me 
without  however  mentioning Mr  Rochester s name or alluding to my
marriage   His letter was then calm  and  though very serious  kind   He
has maintained a regular  though not frequent  correspondence ever since 
he hopes I am happy  and trusts I am not of those who live without God in
the world  and only mind earthly things 

You have not quite forgotten little Adele  have you  reader   I had not 
I soon asked and obtained leave of Mr  Rochester  to go and see her at
the school where he had placed her   Her frantic joy at beholding me
again moved me much   She looked pale and thin  she said she was not
happy   I found the rules of the establishment were too strict  its
course of study too severe for a child of her age  I took her home with
me   I meant to become her governess once more  but I soon found this
impracticable  my time and cares were now required by another  my husband
needed them all   So I sought out a school conducted on a more indulgent
system  and near enough to permit of my visiting her often  and bringing
her home sometimes   I took care she should never want for anything that
could contribute to her comfort  she soon settled in her new abode 
became very happy there  and made fair progress in her studies   As she
grew up  a sound English education corrected in a great measure her
French defects  and when she left school  I found in her a pleasing and
obliging companion  docile  good tempered  and well principled   By her
grateful attention to me and mine  she has long since well repaid any
little kindness I ever had it in my power to offer her 

My tale draws to its close  one word respecting my experience of married
life  and one brief glance at the fortunes of those whose names have most
frequently recurred in this narrative  and I have done 

I have now been married ten years   I know what it is to live entirely
for and with what I love best on earth   I hold myself supremely
blest  blest beyond what language can express  because I am my husband s
life as fully as he is mine   No woman was ever nearer to her mate than I
am  ever more absolutely bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh   I know
no weariness of my Edward s society  he knows none of mine  any more than
we each do of the pulsation of the heart that beats in our separate
bosoms  consequently  we are ever together   To be together is for us to
be at once as free as in solitude  as gay as in company   We talk  I
believe  all day long  to talk to each other is but a more animated and
an audible thinking   All my confidence is bestowed on him  all his
confidence is devoted to me  we are precisely suited in character  perfect
concord is the result 

Mr  Rochester continued blind the first two years of our union  perhaps
it was that circumstance that drew us so very near  that knit us so very
close  for I was then his vision  as I am still his right hand 
Literally  I was  what he often called me  the apple of his eye   He saw
nature  he saw books through me  and never did I weary of gazing for his
behalf  and of putting into words the effect of field  tree  town  river 
cloud  sunbeam  of the landscape before us  of the weather round us  and
impressing by sound on his ear what light could no longer stamp on his
eye   Never did I weary of reading to him  never did I weary of
conducting him where he wished to go  of doing for him what he wished to
be done   And there was a pleasure in my services  most full  most
exquisite  even though sad  because he claimed these services without
painful shame or damping humiliation   He loved me so truly  that he knew
no reluctance in profiting by my attendance  he felt I loved him so
fondly  that to yield that attendance was to indulge my sweetest wishes 

One morning at the end of the two years  as I was writing a letter to his
dictation  he came and bent over me  and said   Jane  have you a
glittering ornament round your neck  

I had a gold watch chain  I answered  Yes  

 And have you a pale blue dress on  

 And have you a pale blue dress on   p435 jpg 

I had   He informed me then  that for some time he had fancied the
obscurity clouding one eye was becoming less dense  and that now he was
sure of it 

He and I went up to London   He had the advice of an eminent oculist  and
he eventually recovered the sight of that one eye   He cannot now see
very distinctly  he cannot read or write much  but he can find his way
without being led by the hand  the sky is no longer a blank to him  the
earth no longer a void   When his first born was put into his arms  he
could see that the boy had inherited his own eyes  as they once
were  large  brilliant  and black   On that occasion  he again  with a
full heart  acknowledged that God had tempered judgment with mercy 

My Edward and I  then  are happy  and the more so  because those we most
love are happy likewise   Diana and Mary Rivers are both married 
alternately  once every year  they come to see us  and we go to see them 
Diana s husband is a captain in the navy  a gallant officer and a good
man   Mary s is a clergyman  a college friend of her brother s  and  from
his attainments and principles  worthy of the connection   Both Captain
Fitzjames and Mr  Wharton love their wives  and are loved by them 

As to St  John Rivers  he left England  he went to India   He entered on
the path he had marked for himself  he pursues it still   A more
resolute  indefatigable pioneer never wrought amidst rocks and dangers 
Firm  faithful  and devoted  full of energy  and zeal  and truth  he
labours for his race  he clears their painful way to improvement  he hews
down like a giant the prejudices of creed and caste that encumber it   He
may be stern  he may be exacting  he may be ambitious yet  but his is the
sternness of the warrior Greatheart  who guards his pilgrim convoy from
the onslaught of Apollyon   His is the exaction of the apostle  who
speaks but for Christ  when he says   Whosoever will come after me  let
him deny himself  and take up his cross and follow me    His is the
ambition of the high master spirit  which aims to fill a place in the
first rank of those who are redeemed from the earth  who stand without
fault before the throne of God  who share the last mighty victories of
the Lamb  who are called  and chosen  and faithful 

St  John is unmarried  he never will marry now   Himself has hitherto
sufficed to the toil  and the toil draws near its close  his glorious sun
hastens to its setting   The last letter I received from him drew from my
eyes human tears  and yet filled my heart with divine joy  he anticipated
his sure reward  his incorruptible crown   I know that a stranger s hand
will write to me next  to say that the good and faithful servant has been
called at length into the joy of his Lord   And why weep for this   No
fear of death will darken St  John s last hour  his mind will be
unclouded  his heart will be undaunted  his hope will be sure  his faith
steadfast   His own words are a pledge of this  

 My Master   he says   has forewarned me   Daily He announces more
distinctly    Surely I come quickly   and hourly I more eagerly
respond    Amen  even so come  Lord Jesus   



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